01x33 - Unconventional Behavior

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Alice.

Hi, Trix.

Alice, here's that can

of corned beef
hash you wanted.

Oh, thanks, Trix.

Awful nice of you
to pick it up for me.

Oh, sure.

Say, Alice...

have you done any marketing
down at Kraus' lately?

Oh, I guess so, why?

Well, Kraus' youngest kid
is working there now,

and is he ever fresh.

He thinks just 'cause
his father owns the place,

he can say anything.

Well, what happened?

Well, I walked
in there today

and I asked him, "How much
is your chopped meat?"

And you know what
he said to me?

"58 cents a pound,
sweetie pie."

Gee, that is fresh.

Why didn't you tell
old man Kraus about it?

I did, and you know
what he said?

"Don't worry, I'll
take care of it, honey."

Oh, I'm telling you, Alice,
ever since the w*r

these butchers don't know how
to treat a woman with respect.

Oh, and speaking of someone not
treating a woman with respect,

my Ed will be
home any minute.

Oh, Trix.

I gotta get up there
and fix his supper.

Oh, Alice, I almost forgot
what I wanted to ask you.

Look, while Ralph
and Ed are away

on the Racoon convention,

why don't you come upstairs
and stay with me?

Oh, thanks, Trix,
but I already told my mother

I'd stay over there
with her.

Oh.

Gee, I wish just once

the fellas would take us
along on a convention.

Oh, not that I care anything
about those silly old Racoons,

but it'd be nice to
go to Minneapolis

and get away from
here for awhile.

Well, you can just
forget about that, Trix.

Every year we ask them
and every year they refuse.

I know.

I don't suppose I can
force Ed into taking me.

After all, he saved up
his own money out of
his allowance.

He's got almost $50.

No!
How much did Ralph save?

About 50 cents.

It'll be the usual thing.

Any night now he'll
be coming home asking me

to give him the money to go.

But Alice, that puts you
in the driver's seat.

Don't give it to him
unless he takes you along.

Oh, no, Trix.
I made up my mind.

Ralph would rather not go
than take me with him.

And I've been able
to save some money

out of the housekeeping,
you know,

so I figured he's
been working pretty
hard this year,

and if this is
his idea of fun,

well, he deserves it.

Well, all I know is if
I were in your shoes,

he wouldn't get the money
unless I went along.

Well, I'm sort of inclined
to agree with you, Trix.

But no, I've made up my mind.

I'm going to tell him as soon
as he gets home tonight.

Well...

Hey, there.

Hi, Ed.

Well, what do you
say there, Alice?

Well, Trixie, I figured
that you'd be down here.

Why aren't you upstairs
making my supper?

Oh, Ed, I was
just going up.

Hey, Alice, why don't
you come up with me?

I'm going to call Mildred
about the card game tonight,

and with you there we
could settle everything.

Oh, okay.

Uh, if you
don't mind, Alice,

I'll hang around
on the premises here

and wait till Ralph gets home.
All right, Ed.

Uh, by the way,
what is for supper?

Chopped meat.

Oh.

Oh, and that reminds me, Ed.
What?

You know that young Kraus kid

that's working downstairs
for his father now?

Yeah?
Boy, has he got some nerve.

I walked in there today
and asked him,

"How much is your chopped meat?"

And you know what he said?
What?

"58 cents a pound,
sweetie pie."

Boy, oh boy. You're not
going in that shop again.

I don't blame you
for getting mad.

What a nerve.

58 cents a pound
for chopped meat!

Ed!

I was referring to him
calling me "sweetie pie."

Well, what do you want him
to call you, "lover lips"?

He hardly knows you.

Ed!

Oh, come on, Alice.

Go, go, go.

( whistling )

What are you doing?

Wait, be right with you.

Now, uh, what was that
all about?

Oh, I was just, uh,
setting my watch.

You mean to tell me you can look
at the sun and set your watch?

What do you mean, "look at
the sun and set my watch?"

I set my watch by the
Chinese restaurant.

It opens at 5:00 p.m.
every day.

You don't believe
me, do you?

I can tell by the way
you're looking at me

that you don't
believe me.

I can tell you the time,

all night long just by
that Chinese restaurant.

For instance...

they start cooking
the egg foo yung at 5:26.

The first whiffs of that
reach my apartment window
upstairs at about, oh, 5:28.

And they reach your window at
about 5:27 and 56 seconds.

It's a known fact that
the aroma of egg foo yung

rises at the rate of
320 feet per second.

Now, moo goo gai pan,

which is of a heavier
consistency,

travels upwards
at a slower rate.

They start making that
at about 5:37.

Sometimes somebody comes in,
orders the family dinner,

then I'm
completely thrown.

I don't ever know
what time it is.

Wouldn't it be much easier
if you bought a new watch?

No, why? Nothing
wrong with my watch.

All it needs is
a new main spring.

I just got to find
a guy to fix it.

I think I'll write a letter
to Walt Disney tonight.

Well?
Well.

What you got
there? What?

I stopped off at
the novelty store,

and bought a few things to take
with me on the convention.

I'm telling you, Norton,
I'm going to be a riot.

Get a load of this stuff.
What have you got?

Get a load of this.
Now this is a trick camera.

How's that work?
Well, you ask somebody

if they want to have
their picture taken.

They say "yes,"
and they start to pose,

and then you just push
the plunger

and they get a face
full of water.

( both laughing )

What else you got?

Here. I got a box
full of cherry bombs.

Oh, they're great.

You know what a racket
they make when they go off.

Sure, ba-boom.
Here's a buzzer.

You put it on your finger, you
know, shake hands with somebody.

They get a shock.
Yeah.

This'll k*ll everybody.
Yeah, sure.

Oh, I bought a couple
of false faces, too.

I got one for you.
This is for scaring people.

Oh! Hey, look at these.

Hey, wait a minute.
Let me see that.

I'd like to borrow
one of these.

No, I'll borrow
this one here.

See, because I
want to wear it.
Why that one?

Well, I want to wear it
down in the sewer tomorrow,

you know,
just for laughs.

That one looks
just like my boss,

and he'll get
his feelings hurt.

He'll think I'm
making fun of him.

What else, what else?

Oh, here's a fake
box of candy.

You know, you say, "Have a piece
of candy?" to someone,

they grab the box and...

Get a load of that.

I don't know, it's
kind of subtle.

I don't think
they'll get it.

They really come out
of there, don't they?
Yeah.

Pick those up.
Sure.

And here is
the pièce de résistance.

What?
These are just the right
consistency.

Bags for filling
with water

and dropping
out of the hotel windows.

Oh, boy!

Hey, remember last year
at the convention

when the cops were
cracking down

on people, you know, that were
throwing bags full of water out?

Yeah.
Didn't stop me none.

Boy, I just got the paper bag,
filled it full of water,

one, two, three.
Let it ride!

What happened?

I almost drowned--
the window was closed.

Well with you doing it,
that figures.

Boy, are we gonna have fun
this year at the convention?

A regular ball.

Hey, I saved up some
money, I know that.

I got about fifty bucks.
What about you?

Well, uh, I haven't
any money yet.

But I know where
to get some.

Good day, sir,
very nice to have met you.

Wait a minute!

I don't mean you, Norton.

I'm gonna get
it from Alice.

You're gonna get it
from Alice?

Yeah. And I'm gonna
get it tonight, too.

Look, every year
you try the same thing.

You ask Alice for money,
and she turns you down.

Well, she's not gonna
turn me down this year

because I have a plan
that can't miss.

I have heard that phrase
turned before.

May 3rd, 1953...

Ralph Kramden in
search for money

for capital, to enter
his no-cal pizzeria.

Says, "I have a surefire
plan of getting the money.

It can't fail."

Alice Kramden says,
"No." Unquote.

All things are as they were
then, except you are there...

Oh, shut up!

Don't worry, I'm not
gonna miss this time,

because I'm making
the supreme sacrifice.

What do you mean?

Well, I've figured it out.

There's only one way
for me to get the money.

I'm going to take Alice
on the convention with me.

You are what?

I know how you feel, Norton,
but what am I going to do?

It's the only way
I can get the dough.

I got to take
her with me.

Now, wait a minute, Ralph.

Don't-Don't-Don't ask Alice,

because if you do that,
Trixie will make me take her.

Well, I'll have Alice.

But I don't want
to take Trixie!

She was away with me
once on a trip.

Boy, she was on my neck
all the time, nagging.

I couldn't go bowling,
I couldn't sh**t pool.

She just ruined everything.

When was that?

On our honeymoon!

I just got to do
it, that's all.

Hiya, Ralph.

Hello, Alice.
Oh, hi, Alice.

What's all this stuff
on the table Ralph?

Oh, I went down to
the novelty store,

and bought this stuff
for the convention.

And speaking of
the convention...

I got something
I'd like to tell you.

Oh, Ralph, I have something
I want to tell you, too...

I've been thinking
the whole thing over.
Oh, wait. It'll wait.

It'll wait, until I tell
you what I have to tell you,

and is it a surprise.

Ralph, what I'm gonna
tell you is going

to be a big surprise
to you, too.

Now, please let
me tell you.

I don't care how big
a surprise it is.

What I have to tell you is going
to be an even bigger surprise.

Ralph...
Please sit down.

All right, Ralph, what is it?

Alice...

I would like to have
the honor and privilege

of having you accompany me

on the Racoon convention
to Minneapolis this year.

Ralph!

You mean you want
me to go with you?

I don't mean
anything else.

But all of those
other years, Ralph,

you never wanted
to take me.

That's when I made some of
the biggest mistakes of my life.

A man can't have any fun
at a convention

unless he takes his wife along!

Right, Norton?

Uh, yeah...

Well, what is your answer?

Are you sure you really
want me to go, Ralph?

What other reason
could I have for asking?

Oh, then I'd love to go.

All right, fine. Now get
the money you got hid,
so we can make the plans.

Well, it's
in the bedroom, Ralph.

The top drawer
of the dresser.

Oh, all right.

Say, what was the big surprise
you were gonna to tell me?

Well, I guess it's not so
much of a surprise now, Ralph.

You see, then I didn't know

that you wanted me to go
to the convention with you.

But I had already decided

to give you the money
to go to convention by yourself.

Oh....

What?!

I'd already decided
to give you the money

to go to the convention
by yourself.

Oh, we're going to have
such a wonderful time, Ralph.

I tell you what.
I'll go in and get the money,

and you sit down here
and figure out

exactly what we're going
to need.

Well, we're gonna
have a lot of laughs

at this convention
with the wives along.

I have a feeling
that I may replace you

as poster boy during
"National Nut Week."

Will you tell me
one thing, please?

How do you get us
into these fixes?

Very simple...

Very simple, Norton.

I have a big mouth!

All aboard!

Bo-o-a-ard!

I found it! It's upper three
and lower three.

ED:
Hey, Ralph!
Where are you?

Right down here!

( mumbling )

( screams )

What is the matter
with you?

What?

What are you
trying to do,

give me a heart att*ck
or something?

Running in here,
wearing that mask.

Having a little
fun, that's all.

I wanted to
try it out,

see how it works.
All right, have fun!

But wait till we get
to Minneapolis.

We'll be there tomorrow.

Oh, another thing.

What?

What happened to you
in the station?

I looked all over for you.

Oh, I stopped at a...

one of those novelty
counters there

in the station, you know,
and I got some more stuff.

Boy, I got a lot of
good stuff, you know.

Never mind that,
where are the girls?

Huh?
I say,
where are the girls?

I don't know. I thought
they were with you.

What do you mean "with me"?
I left them in the coffee shop.

Oh. Well, I don't know.

They're on the train,
they're probably
looking for us.

Well, we have nothing
to worry about.

They got the tickets, they
know where the berths are.
Certainly.

Let's get rid of the bags.

What time is it?

Eh... a quarter...
Uh...

Come on, the train is getting
ready to leave...

It stopped! I don't
know what time it is.

Well, ask somebody
and find out what time it is.

Uh, conductor, pardon me.

Are there any Chinese
restaurants in the station?

Will you stop that?!

We'd like to know
what time it is.

Oh, certainly.
Certainly.

Just about 11:15.

We'll be pulling out
any second now.

Pulling out any sec...?

Wait a minute, conductor.
Yeah?

Did you happen
to see our wives

as you were coming
through the train?

Mine is a red-headed one,
his is a blonde.

Mine is wearing
a checkered coat,

and his has an imitation
dyed rabbit fur coat on.

No, sir, I'm sorry.
I haven't seen them.

Hey, they're liable
to miss this train.

If they don't get here
in a second,

we're a cinch
to miss them.

Well, maybe they're on
one of the other trains.

Hey, wouldn't
that be terrible?

They'd have
to wait until...

( chuckling )

tomorrow night to
get another train
to Minneapolis.

That would give us one whole
free day at the convention.

( both chortling )

Wouldn't that be terrible?
Yeah!

CONDUCTOR:
All aboard!

All aboard!

Hey, maybe they did
really miss it.

What are you
worrying about?

The worst thing
that can happen

is they get the train
tomorrow night
for Minneapolis.

They've got their
own tickets.

I guess your right.

Well... let's
get to bed, Norton.

Yeah.

Because tomorrow starts
about five days of hilarity.

You know, these conventions
are certainly good.

You know, they give you
freedom to let yourself
go for a couple of days.

I know, I know.
To live it up.

That's what I like.

Real, unbound fun.

Good, clean fun.

Exactly.

Well, let's get a
good night's sleep.

Hey, look, look.
I love these.

Boy, what fun
I'm gonna have.

I'll walk along
the streets in
Minneapolis, see,

and tap somebody
on the shoulder and
say, "Pardon me."

They look around to see
who it is and I go, "Boo!"

Let me see those, huh?

Try them on for size.

They're all right at that.

Give you a good effect.
Yeah.

They're okay.

I got a lot
of stuff here.

Gee, I wish I had
a pair of these.

Take them, I'll get
another pair.

I know the guy
that makes them.

Oh, thank you.

I got these
rubber marshmallows.

You know, the trick kind.
Yeah, yeah.

I got these here, uh...
trick handcuffs.

Hey, is that Alice?

Where?

No.
Oh.

What did you
say you had?

Oh, these-- trick handcuffs.

You know, you put them
on your wrists, see,

then you get out of them
without using no key.

You just go like this,
you go "boomf."

And you're right
out of them.

Well, that doesn't sound like
a great deal of fun to me--

sitting in a hotel room
all day going "boomf."

No, no. You don't get
the idea of it.

I put it on one of my wrists,
see, like this.

Now watch.

Bring it out here, see.

No key, no key.

Then I go up to some other
fellow and say,

"Let me have
your wrist, please."

Then I put it on
like this, see.

Now I let it go on
there for a while,

we're yakking it up a little,

pretty soon he gets a
little panicky, you know.

He's, "Well, let's get them off.

So, I start looking
for the key, you know,

like there's a key to it.

But there ain't
no key, you know.

So I'm looking all over,

and then he gets real
good and panicky, you know,

'cause he's
handcuffed to me.

So, I'm starting to look,
and when he gets real scared,

then I just go "boomf,"
and they're off.

And that's supposed
to be funny?
Oh, yeah.

Personally, I think
the bulging eyes

are much funnier
than the handcuffs.

You do?
Now would you mind
saying "boomf,"

and let us get
out of here?

All right.

Boomf!

Come on. Say "boomf"
and get me out.

Boomf, boomf!

You're not "boomfing"
right, Norton.

I'm "boomfing" right.

Watch how's the way
you "boomf."

Let's do it together now.

One, two, three...

Boomf!
Boomf!

All right, I had enough
of the "boomfing,"

now get the key out
and open them up.

There ain't no key.

You got to "boomf"
your way out.

I'll "boomf" you
out of the whole car!

Now, come on, "boomf"
me out of these.

I don't understand.
It worked with the clerk.

He said, "One, two, three,
boomf," and we were out of it.

Just wait a minute.
Just be calm, take it easy.

Have a marshmallow.
Thank you.

What's the matter
with you?!

Don't pull any
tricks on me!

They work good,
don't they?

Very funny.

Now wait a minute.
Come on.

Maybe I could step on it
and stamp it out, force it.

Get your foot out
of there, Norton.

Get it out of there!

Get your foot
out of there!

I can't get it out.

There we go.
There you are.

Now look, Norton...

I'm going to give
you one more "boomf,"

and you'd better get me
out of these handcuffs.

All right.

One...

two, three...

boomf.

All right, that's all.

Now, look,
let's get to bed.

When we get to
Minneapolis tomorrow,

we'll get a hacksaw
and we'll get out

of the handcuffs.
Okay.

Guess we'll have to...

Yes, we'll both
have to sleep

in the bottom berth.

Get those bags out of the way.

Why does this have
to happen to me?

Get in there.

Don't pull, don't pull!

Don't pull, you're
knocking my teeth out!

Good night.

Good night.

Uh, Ralph...

What is it?

It's kind of hot sleeping
with a jacket on.

I'd like to take it off.

Why does this always
have to happen to me?

I, uh... wonder
what went wrong.

I guess we'll just have to
sleep with our jackets on.

Now get in there!

All right.

Want to give it
another "boomf"?

Get in there.

Now watch out for my teeth.

Yes.

Ralph?

What is it now?

You mind if I sleep
on the outside?

I don't like to sleep
on the inside.

I got claustrophobia.

All right, go ahead.

Now, climb over slowly.

Oww!
Oww!

You're breaking my arm!

You're on my coat.

Now will you go to sleep?
Yeah.

Uh...

( clears throat )

Ralph...

Oh, Ralph.

What do you want, Norton?

I, uh...

I can't sleep on
my back very well.

Get up! Get up!

Get up. Get up.

You can't sleep
on your back?

No, I can't.
Get up there!

Get up!
Here?

Get up!

Get on your stomach!

Hey, look!

Never mind that!

Lean your arm over.

Reach down a little.

Reach up a little.

Hey...

I wonder where the girls are.

I wonder if they really
missed the train.

You know, if they did,
I'm glad they did.

Because if they were along,
they'd be nothing but trouble.

Will you shut up,
and go to sleep!

Hey, uh... Ralph?

What?

Mind if I smoke?

I don't care if you burn.

Uh... do you have a cigarette?

No, I don't have
a cigarette.

Uh, there are some

in one of my suitcases,
right underneath your bunk.

Would you mind getting me one?

All right.

Get down.
Huh?

Get down.
Down?

Get down!
Down.

Get down.

All right.

Get under there.

Get them out.

Yeah, sure.
Get them out.

Hurry up.

All right, now I want to ask
you a question.

What?
You got the cigarettes?

Oh, yeah.
All right now.

I want you to go up there,
but before you go,

I want to know
a few things.

Are you thirsty?
No.

Are you hungry?
No.

Everything's fine?
Sure.

Okay.

Now that I've asked
you that, get up there.

Get up there.

Good night, Norton.

Good night.

Oww!

Ralph...

you forgot to
ask me one thing:

Did I want a match?

All right!

Get down! Get down!

Now look!
This is the end!

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
what seems to be the trouble?

What seems to
be the trouble?

I'll tell you what
the trouble is!

First of all,
he makes my wife

and his own wife
miss the train

'cause he can't
keep an eye on them!

Then he gets in here,
puts handcuffs on my wrist!

That isn't enough!

I ask him if he wants
a drink of water. No!

I ask him if he wants
something to eat. No!

He doesn't want anything
until he gets up there!

And then he wants a match!

And on top of everything,

I have to be handcuffed
to this idiot

all the way to Minneapolis!

Minneapolis?

Gentlemen, this train
isn't going to Minneapolis.

We're going in
the other direction,
to Norfolk, Virginia.