01x34 - The Safety Award

[bunniefuu]

You know, Charlie,
let's, uh...

let's take a sh*t of him
from here

as he's coming out
of the building after
a day's work, huh?

You know, I've taken
pictures of big sh*ts,

movie stars, kings.

I've never run into
a ham like this one.

Well, what do you expect?

Yesterday, he's an
ordinary bus driver.

Today, he's gonna have
his picture taken,

get a three-page spread
in Universal magazine,

tomorrow, he's being
honored at city hall.

It's got to affect him.

Ah, big deal.
He won an award

as the safest bus
driver in the city.

Sure, sure,
it's a big deal.

It's the biggest thing
could happen to a bus driver.

Look, you all set?

Yeah, bring in
the Man of the Hour.

Okay.

Mr. Kramden,
you can come in now.

Oh, look, uh,
make it natural, eh?

Mr. Kramden, what are
you trying to do?

Well, I thought that
would be a good pose

you know, for the cover
of your magazine.

Look, Mr. Kramden, this picture
isn't gonna be on the cover.

This is just one
in a series of articles

dealing with the big days
in the lives

of people in various
lines of work.

Well, when you wrote the story
about Marilyn Monroe,

you had her picture
on the cover.

If you get into a
bikini bathing suit,

we'll put your picture
on the cover.

Now, look, look,

Mr. Kramden, just
stand there as you are

and we'll take the sh*t
as though you've just
come out, eh?

Charlie, go ahead.

Thank you.

Well, if that's all, I'm
going back to the office.

Okay, Charlie.

See you tomorrow
at city hall.

Uh... the
commissioner's office.

Yeah, 12:30 sharp.
Okay.

Well, Mr. Kramden, can we
finish this interview

over a cup of coffee?

Oh, well, I'd like
to, but, like I said

I'm waiting for my
friend that I told
you about, Ed Norton.

Oh...
He's gonna
meet me here.

Well, I guess
we can do it here.

Mr. Kramden, something
you said struck me as
being very strange.

Now, uh, you've
just won the award

as the safest bus driver
of the year

and yet you say that
you felt that bus drivers

don't get the recognition
they should.

Well, that's right.

You see, this award
that I'm getting
is a special award.

Mm-hmm.
You know,

it's not an award that's
given out all the time.

And, uh... like cops
and firemen-- they get
awards all the time,

and I think
that a bus driver

is just as much of
a public servant
as they are.

Yeah, but those awards
are usually given out

for bravery in the face
of extreme danger.

Now, uh, when does
a bus driver

have to show bravery in
the face of extreme danger?

When?! All the time!

Oh?

Heh, only the other day,
a lady got on my bus,

she's got a dog must've
been six-foot high.

It's one of those
French poodles, you know,

with the Italian haircuts.

Yeah?
( chuckles )

So she tries to get
on the bus with the dog.

I said, "Wait
a minute, lady.

You can't bring that
mongrel in here."

She says, "What do
you mean, mongrel?
It's a pedigree."

I said, "I don't
care what it is.

"Pedigree or a mongrel,
it can't get on the bus."

Well, uh, what did
she say to that?

She says, "How dare you!

She says, "This dog
is worth $10,000!"

Well, then what
did you do?

Well, I said,
"If he's worth

that much,
let him take a cab."

( both laughing )

ED:
Hey, there,
Ralphie boy!

Well, how's
the celebrity?

You all ready
to go home now?

Yeah, pal.
Oh, by the way,

this is Mr. Martin
from Universal magazine.

This is my friend Ed Norton
I was telling you about.

Oh, yes.
How do you do.
How do you
do there?

Well, I'm glad
to have the chance

to ask you some questions,
Mr. Norton.

Well, if the category
is Ralph Kramden,

I'm willing to take a sh*t
at the $64,000 question.

Well, let's see now.

To begin with,
you're close friends?

Well, I'm as close
as anybody can get
to Ralph Kramden.

Mm-hmm.

We've known each other
for a long time.

Tell me, how long ago
did you meet?

Oh, I'd say, uh...

150 pounds ago.

You're a riot, Norton.
A real riot.

Uh, Mr. Norton,
tell me something:

What kind of work
do you do?

Well, I'm employed
by the city.

I see.
In a white collar job?

No, you see, it's more
of a wet collar job.

I'm a, uh,
underground engineer.

Oh.

He works in the sewer.

That's a layman's
way of putting it.

Now, Mr. Norton,
tell me something:

Have you ever ridden
in your friend's bus here?

Oh, yes, I ride
my friend's bus

every opportunity
I get the chance,

because I am assured
of a comfortable,
smooth, safe ride.

Mm-hmm.

And besides that,

he lets me ride on
the bus for nothing.

Gee, I'm sorry
Charlie left.

I'd like to have gotten
a picture of you two together.

Oh, well, if you want to get
a picture of the two of us,

just be at the commissioner's
office tomorrow.

My friend is gonna be there
to see me get the award.

You betcha. I wouldn't
let my old buddy boy

be there receiving
a big award,

the biggest day
in his life,

without me being there.
I'll be there.

And by the way, uh,
our wives will be there, too.

You can take a picture
of them.

Oh, that's right.
Tell me something:

How about the women.
Are they close friends, too?

Oh, they're inseparable.

Well, that's fine.

Well, Mr. Kramden,
according to my notes,

you're, uh,
you're very consistent.

No, no, no,
no, no, you're steady.

That's it. Steady.

Hey, wait a minute.

That's the angle I'll
feature in my story:
your steadiness.

Now 14 years with
the same bus company,

happily married,
and all of you good friends

throughout all those years.

Oh, ho-ho.

The four of us get
along like the
Three Musketeers.

Well, I'll see you
and your wives

tomorrow afternoon at
the commissioner's office.

Okay.

Mr. Norton.
Nice to have
met you.

Mr. Kramden, a pleasure.
Glad to have seen you,
Mr. Martin.

See you, men.
Thank you.

All right.
Good reporter.

Well, I don't mind
telling you one
thing, Ralph.

I'm telling you,
I've been worrying
all day long.

What a day I've
been put through.

What are you
worried about?

What am I worried about?

This is the last day,
this is the last day

before you receive
the award.

You've gone all this
time with no accidents.

Now, I mean, what
would happen to you,

the thing that would
happen, you'd get in
an accident--

that's the logical
thing to happen to you--

and ruin the whole thing.

That's ridiculous.

One day is just the same
as another to me.

Well, I don't care.

Just for safekeeping,
when I got up early
this morning,

I crossed both my
fingers on both hands.

And it's not easy
working a shovel

this way,
I tell you that.

MAN:
Hi, Ralph!

Oh, hiya, Freddy.
What do you say,
Norton?

Hey, Freddy.

Well, tomorrow's
the big day, huh?

Yeah, right, and you're
just the guy I wanna see.

Eh? What about?

Well, I gotta go down

to the commissioner's office
tomorrow

and I'm bringing Norton
and his wife

and I'm taking Alice with me

and I'd like to go
in class.

Would you lend me your car?

Well, let me see, uh,
I'm working tonight,

Clemens'll give me
a lift home,

I'm gonna sleep
all day tomorrow...

I don't see why not.

Here, I got the key
somewhere.

Aw, that's swell, Fred.
Here's the key.

The car's in the parking lot
down the street.

Thank you very much.
Have a great day, Ralph.

All right, pal.

I'll leave it in the parking
lot for you tomorrow.

Fine. Thanks.
All right, buddy.

He's all right,
that guy.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what,
Ralph, I was just
thinking,

and, you know, there's
a lot of good drivers
in the bus company

and you've been
driving now

for 14 years
without an accident.

I mean, how come some
of the other fellas

haven't been
able to do that?

How do you
account for that?

Well, Norton...

it's like everything else.

A group of men
are picked to do a job,

trained in the same
fashion as each other,

but there's always
one man in the group

that stands out
far in front of the others.

Yeah, I guess you're
right there, Ralph.

If you stood out
any more in front,

you wouldn't be able to get
behind the wheel of a bus.

Let's go home, Norton.

Alice... Alice,
where did you put my belt?

It's right here on
the table for you, Ralph.

Why do you have
to hide everything?

Ralph, will you
please relax?

Now, here's your tie.

All right.
Will you hurry up?

We're gonna be late.

Are you sure this tie
is gonna match my new jacket?

Ralph, I wouldn't
have picked it out
if I didn't think so.

All right. Will
you hurry up
and get dressed?

Ralph, I could've been
dressed a long time ago,

if you'd only
let me alone.

Now, will you
do me a favor?

Just calm down and stop
being so nervous.

I am not nervous, Alice.

I am not nervous!

You're just saying that
to make me nervous!

All right, you satisfied?

You got me nervous now!

Alice, I don't like the way
these shoes look.

Where are my other ones?

They're at
the shoemaker's, Ralph.

Well, you took 'em there
last night.

Aren't they ready yet?

Ralph, will you
be reasonable?

He couldn't possibly have
finished them this fast.

He could if he paid more
attention to fixing shoes

instead of the grand opera.

Let me see your shoes.

They look perfectly
all right to me, Ralph.

They're fine.

Sure, they look
fine to you.

Well, they don't
look fine to me.

Never mind all of that.

How do you like
my new dress, Ralph?

Very nice.

I certainly hope
it'll look well

when they take
the pictures.

It'll look fine.
Now will you hurry up?

We gotta be there at 12:30!

Ralph, uh...
Yeah?

our laundry
didn't come back yet

and I'd like to have
a handkerchief

for the vest pocket
of my new sport coat.

All right. There's
some handkerchiefs
in the top drawer.

How about this one?

It's one of my new ones.

Remember, just wear
it in the pocket.

It's for showin',
not blowin'.

What are you doing?

I can't make a knot
with this thing.

It's made of silk
and the knot won't stick.

Well, you're nervous.

Here, wait a minute,
wait, wait... wait!

Let the old sailor
show you here now.

Now, wait a minute.
Just hold still.

Do you want a big knot
or a small knot?

I don't care, just as
long as it's a knot.

Just hold still and
don't be so excited.

( choking )

Wait a minute!

What are you trying to
do, choke me to death?

Just trying to help you,
that's all.

Now you spoiled the knot.

I'll spoil your head
in a minute.

Why I ask you
to do anything for me...

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Ed, honey, what have you been
doing down here so long?

I'm all ready.

I've been helping Ralph,
there, tie his tie.

All I gotta do is put on
my jacket; I'm all ready.

Oh. Oh, Ralph, Ralph,
is Alice ready?

I don't know what
she's doing in there.

She's been dressing
for three hours and a half.

Will you come on?

Oh, well,
if I gotta wait,

I might as well
take my coat off.

Hey, Ralph, how do you like
my new dress?

It's all right.

Didn't I see you
wearing that before?

Oh, you couldn't possibly.
I just bought it.

How do you like
it, Ralphie boy?

That's an exclusive
creation.

Aw, Edmund, will you please
go up and get your jacket?

I'm going,
I'm going.

Hiya, Trixie.
How do you like my new--

Alice!

Trixie!

Hey, don't those
dresses look alike?

Alike?! They're like
the Bobbsey Twins.

Trixie, how could you
do this to me?

What are you
talking about?

You know perfectly well
what I'm talking about, Trix.

I told you I was going
down to Bloomgarden's
to buy this dress.

I described it right down
to the smallest detail.

You mean I told you.

Trixie, you know that
I described this dress
to you first.

The shoe is on
the other foot.

Oh, you gonna start
on the shoes now?

Now, wait a minute.

There's nothing wrong
with wearing the same
dress, is there?

What?!
What?!

Well, look,
it's very simple

how to fix
this whole thing up.

One of youse will have
to take the dress off

and wear something else.

Yeah, but which one?

I guess you better go upstairs
and change your dress, Trixie.

Mine fits.

I'm... I'm wearing
this dress.

I'm wearing this dress.

Well, I'm not going
if she's wearing it.

I'm not going if
she's wearing that dress.

Oh!

What are they doing?!

Look, Ralph, uh...

you and Alice
ought to make plans,

go there without us.

You know how I'd
like to be there

to see you get
the award, Ralph.

Look, Norton,
you gotta go up

and talk Trixie
out of taking
that dress off.

I'm too young to die!

Here it is,
the biggest day of my life

and everybody's
ruining it.

Look... Look, Ralph,
I'll do it-- only for you.

I wouldn't do it
for nobody else,

but I'll do it for you.

"Into the Valley of Death
rides the 600."

Alice, will you come
out here?

I want to talk
to you for a minute.

It's no use, Ralph.

I'm not gonna
change my mind.

Alice, are you
going to tell me

that you're going to let
14 years of friendship

between you and Trixie
be broken up over a dress?

Yes, if it's
the same dress.

Everybody's going nuts!

This is ridiculous.

Ralph, how do you
think it's gonna look

when the pictures come out
in the magazine

and there I am standing
right next to Trixie

in the exact same
dress that she has on.

Every woman who sees
the magazine's gonna
laugh at me.

Is that all
you're worried about?

All right, when
they start to take
a picture of us,

I'll step right
in front of Trixie.

No, Ralph.

Do you realize
we gotta be there
in a few minutes, Alice?

I'm sorry, Ralph, you'll
just have to go without me.

Go without you?!

All the fun in receiving
the award, Alice,

is having you by my side
when they give it to me.

Can't you
understand that?

All right, Ralph.
I'm sorry.

I guess I was just
being selfish

and childish,
like you said.

I'll go in and change
my dress, Ralph,

and I'll be right out.

Sweetheart, you're
the greatest.

Alice, Alice, could I speak
to you a minute?

Trixie,
I'm awfully sorry

for the way
I spoke to you before,

and I've decided
I'm gonna go in

and change my dress
and I'll be right out.

No, no, no.
Now, you wear the dress

and I'll keep my raincoat on,
buttoned up like this

and nobody will even know
we have identical dresses on.

Oh, and Alice,
I'm awful sorry

for the silly things I said.

Oh, that's
all right, Trix.

But really, it isn't fair.
I don't mind.

Alice, will you
shut up?!

Now let it be this way.

She'll wear the coat,
you'll wear the dress.

I'm going in
to put on my jacket.

Will you tell Norton
to get ready?

He'll be right
down here.

Trixie, you sure
you don't mind?

Course not.

Oh, Alice, we've been
through too much together

to let a silly thing
like this come between us.

We certainly have.

Oh, Alice, I don't know,

I just think that dress
is just wonderful on you.

Well, you know something?

It looks awful cute
on you, too.

( both laughing )

Well, we ready to go?

You look very sharp.
Thank you.

That you, Norton?

Yeah! Here I am!

All right, come on,
let's go.

You sneak.

I'm not going
out of this house

till you take that coat off!

( indistinct arguing )

All right, Norton, all right.

I heard you, I heard you.

After all, you want
to get dressed up
nice; so do I.

And you were big enough

to say, "Norton,
you wear the jacket."

I mean, you liked the jacket.
You liked the looks of it.

It looked good on you.

It was nice,
but you let me wear it

because you're
a friend of mine

and I want to thank you
and I appreciate it.

You're welcome,
Norton.

I admit I got
the build for it,

for this particular
type of garment.

All right, Norton!
Now let's get going.

Come on.

TRIXIE:
Ow, ow, oh!
What? What?

I'm gonna have to go
upstairs-- ooh!

What'd you do?

Well, I just took a step
and my heel came loose.

If I take another one,
it's gonna fall off.

This is a plot.
It's a plot.

This whole thing
is a plot against me.

Everybody's plotting
against me!

We're late!

All right, Ralph.

Just go and bring
the car around

while we wait
for Trixie.

That'll save time.

Yeah, I'll hurry.

Go hurry,
get you heel fixed.

I know how
she hurries.

Come on,
give me the keys.

I'll go get the car
for you.

What do you mean,
give you the keys?

Give me the keys.
I'll get the car for you.

You're driving
to the Safe Award dinner,

you're a little nervous,
and you're upset,

Let me get the car.
I'll chauffeur you,

I'll drive it for you.
We'll be better off.

Are you trying
to put the jinx on me?

No, I'm not trying to put
the jinx on you!

I'll get the car
myself.

Will you please
leave him alone?

He's a little jumpy.

I know.

That's why I offered
to drive the car,

to take the strain off
his nerves, that's all.

Well, he'll be all right.

You know Ralph.

It's just that this is
such a big day for him.

Boy, I know
it's a big day.

Going down there to city hall,
getting the award,

meeting all
the muckety-mucks.

The commissioner,
the mayor,

Universal magazine
interviewing him and all.

I know.

Just between
you and me, Ed,

I'm a little
nervous myself.

Well, you, you...

This could mean a lot to
Ralph's career, you know.

Certainly it could.

Hey, uh, I wasn't
gonna mention this,

but somebody I heard
down at the bus company

somebody said that, uh,

somebody had an idea
of putting a plaque

on the front
of Ralph's bus saying,

"You are now driving

with the World's Safest
Bus Driver, Ralph Kramden."

Ooh! A plaque like that?

Ed, you can tell me.
Who got the idea?

Ralph.

Oh.

Well, I'll be very glad
when we get there.

Boy, so will I.

What is keeping him,
anyway?

( tires screech )

( cars crash )

What do you think
that was, Ed?

I don't know.
I'm afraid to look.

It can't be, Ed.

It just can't be.

RALPH:
Why don't you look
where you're going?!

MAN:
Well, it's not my fault!
It's your fault!

RALPH:
My fault? I had
the right of way!

Why don't you learn
how to drive?

MAN:
Look what you did
to my car!

RALPH:
Your car?!
How about my car?

Oh, boy.
Oh...

Ed, I feel very faint
all of a sudden.

All right, take it easy.
Take it easy now, Alice.

Sit down and rest.
Wait a minute.

I'll be right back.

MAN:
You pulled out of...

Good thing I had another
pair of the same color.

Alice, what's the matter?

Ralph had an accident.

( groans )

RALPH:
And I'll find--

MAN:
I'll find one!

Yeah, go ahead and find a cop

'cause I'd like to see one.

You're gonna
be sorry for this!

I'm gonna be sorry?
Are you kidding?

Where did you get
your license, in a raffle?

I'll show you!

Helen, you wait in the car.
I'm getting a policeman.

Go ahead and get
a policeman.

I want a
policeman, too!

Wait a minute!

There's nothing in the world

that you want less
than a policeman.

Don't you realize that?

What are you talking about?
This wasn't my fault.

Well, the policeman
will get here,

he's gotta make
a report, don't he?

He goes over to the accident,
makes a report,

gives it to the paper,
newspaper reporter gets it,

I could just
see the headline:

So what? What's wrong...?

"Safe Award Drive Winner

on Way to Receiving Award,
Has Accident."

You're right.

Well, what am I
gonna do?

Well, just settle
the thing here.

You pay for the scratch
you put on his car,

and you get
Freddy Muller a new fender.

Hey, that's right.

That way, nobody
will be any the wiser.

Certainly.
Yeah!

Well, maybe
you're right.

( man muttering )

There's never a policeman
around when you need him!

Now, look, pal.
What are you getting
all upset for?

( laughing )

Yeah, well,
it's your fault!

Who cares
whose fault it was?

We don't need
a policeman.

We don't need
a cop to settle this.

Listen...
Look,

all I did was
scratch your fender.

Now, look,
I'll pay for it
Yeah.

and square the whole thing.

Yeah, well, it's a
good thing for you

that I'm in a big hurry.

Otherwise, I'd make you
go to the police station.

Drivers like you are a
menace to the community.

You're absolutely right.

Now, uh, do you want
to take my name and address?

Yeah, well, I
can only repeat

that you're very
fortunate that I'm...

I'll settle the whole thing
with you Monday.

...such a big hurry!
Yes, no-- I'll make
you settle it!

Now what's your name?

Ralph Kramden.
K-R-A-M-D-E-N.

328 Chauncey Street.

You'll hear from me!
...settle things.

Okay.

Well, at least
it turned out okay.

Heh-heh,
you dirty old...

That kills me.
That kills me.

It was not my fault!

Look, just don't
get upset.

You're getting
all upset now.

Let's calm down
and look nice when
we go down there.

There's no sense
in getting upset.

Now, listen, the boys
in the sewer there,
when we get upset,

we got a little motto,
a little saying

that gives us a little
comfort in time of need.

Maybe I can pass
it on to you.

May I favor you
with this little ode?

"When the tides of life
turn against you,

"and the current
upsets your boat,

"don't waste those tears
on what might have been,

just lay on your
back and float."

( groans )

Where are they?

They should
be right here.

Gentlemen, they'll be
right here in a minute.

They're on their way up now.
Just relax.

RALPH:
Come on...

There they are.
Here they are.

How are you?

Right over here in
the light, please.

All right.

Right this way.
Over here?

Mr. Kramden, is there
any particular type
of pose you'd like?

Oh, are we gonna
take a pic...?

All right.

Good to see
you again.

How are you?

You can arrange
it yourself, sir.

Arrange it?
All right.

Just get close
together.

My... does my hat look
all right, Ralph?

Huh? Yeah.
My hat.

ED:
Hot day, huh?
How are you?

"Pro-feel"?

A little closer,
please.
Hat.

Oh.

All right, folks.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it.

That's wonderful!
Thank you.

Mr. Kramden, I want
to congratulate you.

And the city is proud
of your record.

Thank you very,
very much, sir.

Yes. Oh, by the way,
Mr. Kramden, uh,

I'm very sorry that
the commissioner

won't be here himself
to give you the award,

but he was taken down with
a sudden att*ck of the flu.

REPORTER:
Well, who's gonna
present the award?

Well, I've arranged to
have Judge Lawrence
Norton Hurdle

take the
commissioner's place.

Judge Hurdle?
That's right.

( whistles )

Hollerin' Hurdle.

Hollerin' Hurdle?

Yeah, he's a traffic
court judge famous
for his $50 fines

and 50-minute
lectures.

Oh, yes, that's right.

He's very strict about
traffic offenders,

but there's nobody
in the world

he admires more than
a careful driver.

Well...

He said he'd be
very honored

to give you
the award.

Thank you very much.

Yes, now, uh,
I'll get the judge.

Oh, by the way, after
you get your award,

I'll take you upstairs
and let you meet the mayor.

( all oohing )

Oh, I'm so proud of you,
sweetheart.

I've always wanted
to meet the mayor,
I'll tell you that.

His Honor, Judge Hurdle.

Here is Mr.
Ralph Kramden.

Is this the man
who gets the award?

( hemming and hawing )

Judge, uh...
is something wrong?

Well, Mr. Kramden and
I were involved

in a traffic accident
a few moments ago.

Accident?!

Now wait, wait,
wait, until you hear
the whole story.

I was under the impression
that the accident was
Mr. Kramden's fault.

That he didn't put out his
hand to make a right turn.

But on the way over here,
my wife informed me

that he did put out his hand
and that I failed to see it.

Well, and for a
very good reason,

because unwittingly
I was wearing my
reading glasses

instead of my
regular glasses.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

So there, yes, the
accident is my fault!

( all laughing )

And to keep the
record straight,
I'm fining myself $50.

( all laughing )

Don't forget
the 50-minute lecture.

Mr. Kramden, it gives
me real pleasure

to present to you this
award as "The Year's
Safest Bus Driver."

Thank you.

My Ralphie boy, there.
Thank you.

Uh, may I say
thank you very much

in presenting me
with this award.

I know that
I am not worthy of it,

but still I would wish
to accept it

on behalf of all
the other bus drivers

in the country who drive...

uh, who drive... buses.

I'm glad to see
that people realize

that a bus driver hasn't
got an easy job of it,

and that the safety
of the public is always

the uppermost things
in their mind.

And, once again,
I want to thank you

and you for presenting
me with this

and thank you fellas
for taking the pictures.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'd like to go upstairs
with my wife and my friends

and meet the mayor.

Yes, sir.
This way.

Thank you very much.

Hear, hear.
Nice speech.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.
Bye.