01x36 - Alice and the Blonde

[bunniefuu]

Ralph?

Shh!

What's the matter with you?

Are you crazy or something?
Shut up!

I can't get in upstairs.

Do you want
to wake up Alice?

Trixie's got the
chain on the door.

That's not my problem.
That's your problem.

Well, it so happens that
it is your problem, too.

If Trixie finds out I come in
at 2 a.m. in the morning,

Alice is gonna find out that
you came in at the same time.

We're in this together.

Well, what do you want
me to do about it?

Well, I figured
I'd use your window,

go out on the fire escape
and go upstairs there.

The only chance is that
Trixie left a window open.

Go ahead, but don't
make any noise.

All right.

Shh, shh...

The latch is stuck.

Let me open it.

Be careful when
you open that.

I knew a guy once that got
his finger caught in a latch

and it hurt like anything.

Will you let me
handle it?

( yelling )

Eeeeee!

All I can say, it's a lucky
thing I was here

to stop you from yelling
and screaming.

You'd have woke up
the whole house.

If you weren't here
in the first place,

I'd have never
hurt my hand.

Well, the latch is open.

Go ahead, and don't
make a sound.

( screeching )

Must be warped.

Shh.

Good night.

( soft whistle )

Pssst, Ralph!

What do you want?

Wear your rubbers
tomorrow morning.

It looks like rain.

Hello.

And just what do you
think you're doing, Ralph?

Well, well, I couldn't sleep,

so I thought I'd get up
and get a glass of milk.

I like the pajamas
you're wearing.

Ralph, do you know
what time it is?

Yeah. It's a little
after 11:00.

You're right.
It's three hours after 11:00.

Do you realize, Ralph,

that you've been out almost
every single night this week?

And I stay home here alone,
while you're out

at that crazy lodge
having fun with the fellows.

Having fun with
the fellows?

Having fun
with the fellows?

That shows how
much you know.

It just so happens
that the Racoon Lodge

is going through
a financial crisis.

And I'm the treasurer, Alice.
I'm responsible.

If I don't get some money
into that treasury,

you know what might happen?

The Bensonhurst chapter of the
Racoon Lodge may no longer be.

Do you know what that means?

Yeah. Real estate values in
Bensonhurst will go up 100%.

Bang! Zoom!

I'll tell you what it
really means, Alice.

It means that I failed
my job as treasurer.

And I don't care how
hard I have to work

and I'm not quitting
until the job is done.

I'm getting money
into that treasury.

You'd have plenty of money
in the treasury, Ralph

if you all didn't waste it
on childish things.

Childish things?

Where do we
waste any money?

How about $35 for this
Admiral Dewey sports jacket?

Oh, you're gonna get it, Alice.

You're gonna get it.

What do you want now?

Can I sleep on your cot?

Listen. Trixie caught me
as I was sneaking in.

She tried to slam the
window down on my head.

She's a regular
Madame Guillotine!

Fine couple of wives we got.

Trixie won't let you in,
my wife won't let me out.

I hope by tomorrow
they forget about it,
that's all I hope.

I don't care whether they
forgot about it or not tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm playing pool
with Burt Weidermeier.

Now, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.

On account of the way
the girls are feeling,

do you think it's wise
to go out tomorrow night?

I don't care whether
it's wise or not,

I'm not breaking that date
with Burt Weidermeier.

A whole thing going down
at the bus depot says

that he's going to be
the new general manager.

And if he's going to be
general manager,

I'm getting
on the good side of him

Well, all I know is
you're going to have

a tough time
convincing Alice

that playing pool
with Burt Weidermeier

is going to help
your career.

Don't worry.
I'll convince her.

Wait a minute.
What?

I got it!

Let's take the
wives with us!

To the poolroom?

Certainly not!
To Burt's house!

But I thought Burt
wanted to play pool.

No. It was my idea
to play pool.

At first he wanted us
to go over to his house.

You know, he thinks a lot of
you, as well as he does me.

But I thought that would
be a little stale,

so I was the one that
suggested playing pool.

Oh, oh, oh, I get it.
I go along with you.

That's a good idea.

You k*ll two birds
with one stone.

You spend the evening with Burt,
and the girls have a night out.

And not only that,

I just thought
of something.
What?

I got the perfect way to get
on the good side of Burt.

How?
Through his wife.

You know, he just
got married.

And ever since he's been
married, every day

he starts to tell me
how wonderful his wife is.

She's good
looking, he says,

and she's this,
and she's that...

Well, all I have to
do when I walk in

is flatter her
a little bit.

You know, compliment her.
That's it.

Tell her she is lovely,
and she does look beautiful,

and she's a nice housekeeper
and everything.

Certainly.

I'll have that bird
eating out of my hand

before the night's over.

Yep. And I'm going
to go along with you,
I'll cooperate.

What more can I do
than promise than that...

that I'll be my
usual charming self?

Edward?

Come on upstairs.

Yeah, fins, fins, fins, Trixie.
Fins. I'm guilty.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

I'll explain this
whole thing, Trixie.

But first I'd like
to get Alice out here.

Alice, sweetheart?
Do you mind coming out?

TRIXIE:
Oh, I'm warning you,
this had better be good.

RALPH:
It's nothing to worry about,
nothing to worry about.

Alice, Trixie, I would like
to say a few words

on behalf of Ralph
and myself.

We admit that it was wrong

that we come home
at 2 a.m. this morning,

and we came home late
last night, Friday night, ditto,

and Thursday night
when we were playing po...

What Norton is trying
to tell you girls

is that we apologize.

And we realize we were wrong
and, to make everything up,

we're taking out the whole crowd
of you girls tomorrow night,

over to Burt Weidermeier's
house, to meet his wife.

Burt Weidermeier?
Who's Burt Weidermeier?

He's a friend of mine.

Works down
at the bus depot.

He just got married, and this
is a perfect chance for us

to go over and get
acquainted with him.

We'll have a lovely evening.

Well, I don't know, Ralph.
Now, I don't want
any excuses.

We're all going tomorrow
night and we'll have a ball.

Well, I'm
a little tired now.

I think I'll hit
the hay.

Good night, Trix,
Good night, Norton.
I'll see you later.

Night.

Night, Alice.

I'll be right in, Ralph.

Well, night, Alice.

Uh, Trixie,
will you come along please?

Don't be late!

I'll be right up.

I want to talk to Alice.

Oh, Alice, you know
as well as I do,

all they're interested in
is getting together with
that Burt Weidermeier.

The only reason
they asked us along

is because they know we won't
let them out of the house alone

after what happened tonight.

Yeah, you may
be right, Trix,

but something tells me
we should go anyway.

What do you mean?

Well, I've been
thinking, Trix,

and maybe the reason the boys
go out so much at night

and don't pay any attention
to us anymore is our fault.

Our fault?

Well, sure. Do you
remember the days

when Ed and Ralph
wouldn't dream

of going anywhere
without us?

Sure. That was before
we were married.

Exactly.

Now, the whole reason that
it happened then was 'cause

we used to knock ourselves
out to be attractive,

and to look
glamorous for them,

and they paid plenty
of attention to us
in those days.

I get it!

Alice, the watch word
is "glamour."

We're going to dress
to the teeth

and make a fuss
over the boys.

Then they'll treat us like
they did before were married.

That's right, and
tomorrow night, Trix,

we're not going to be wives,
we're going to be dates.

Yeah. Ooh, I'll wear
my new blue satin!

Oh, it's a knock out!

Hey, what are you
gonna wear?

I'll wear my green dress
'cause Ralph's never
seen me in that.

Ooh, wonderful!

Hey, uh, Trix.

You got the key
to the front door?

I left it open.

Well, it ain't open now.

Oh, what are
we going to do?

When you slammed the window
down, did you lock it?

No.

May I escort you home?

Ladies first.

Oh, my.

Watch it.

Boy...

I'll tell you, Alice,
going home like this

reminds me of
that old poem

I used to love
in my childhood.

"When he crept out into
the stealthy night air,

little did he realize the
fire escape was not there."

( mumbling )

Good night, Ed.
Good night, Ed.

( mumbling )
Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

( sniffing )

Rita, I smell something burning.

I think it's the cookies.

Will you take care
of it, Twinkles?

I'm dressing.

Oh, okay. All right.

I'll take them out of
the oven, then. Fine.

( door bell rings )

Oh, hiya, Burt.
Oh, hiya, fellows!

Burtie, boy!
Hiya, pal.

Hi, how are you?

Hi.
Oh, it's good to see you.

You'll have
to excuse me.

Something's burning
in the stove.

Just put your coats in the
first room down the hall.

I'll be right
with you.

Okay, Burt.

Nice guy, isn't he?

Let's get rid
of our coats.

Well, whoever said
the age of chivalry
is dead was right.

And I know the two
guys that k*lled it.

Oh, Alice, our campaign
has been a complete flop.

On the way to the bus,
they walked 20 feet ahead of us,

and they only talked
to each other.

And if that
isn't bad enough,

on the bus there are just
two empty seats.

And who sits in those
two empty seats?

Ralph.

Well, you can't
expect miracles, Trix.

I figured it would
take a little time.

A little time?

Alice, they didn't even
notice our new dresses!

Well, we were hurrying
and rushing,

and we threw our coats
right on over them.

Believe me, they'll
notice our dresses now.

Bet you a quarter
they don't.

It's a bet.

Boy, I wanna tell you,
that's really living.

A spare room
just to play cards

and watch television in.

Let me tell you, if they
had an icebox in there,

it'd be a perfect
setup, huh?

Yep.

Why don't you girls
take your coats in?

Ralph...

What?

Don't you notice anything?

Your stockings are crooked.

Don't forget
the quarter you owe me.

Boy, this is some place,
isn't it?

Sorry I had to leave
you that way,

but it couldn't
be helped.

Oh, that's all right, Burt.

You know, you really got
a great place here.

I'm telling you,
it's fixed up real good.

Well, thanks
a lot, thanks.

My wife picked out
everything herself.

Your wife?
Yes.

Are you going to stand there
and tell me

that your wife decorated
this thing here?

You know, I would've made a bet

that a professional
interior decorator

come in here
and did all this.

That's right.
That's right, Burt.

I mean, there's only one
word that I can find

to describe this place.

Suave.

Yeah, that's the word.

Well, as long as nobody's going
to introduce us, I'm Alice.

I'm Trixie.

Oh, Pardon me.
Mrs. Kramden, Mrs. Norton.

Pleased to meet you,
Mrs. Kramden, Mrs. Norton.

Oh! Oh, say, your
coats are here.

I'll take them for you.

My wife is dressing.

She'll be out in a moment.

Just take the
pocketbooks, too.

Oh, surely. Fine, I will.

Thank you very much.

Either that or this one
will be toting it

all over the place with her.

Can't you put your pocket
down for five minutes?

Always carrying it.

You think she had a big
load or something in there.

Oh, hey, by the way, when
Mrs. Weidermeier comes out,

it might be good if you
complimented her

on how she decorated
this place.

You know, she might give you a
tip on how to fix up our place.

Yeah. I could sure use her help.

I just can't
make up my mind

what color pan goes best
under our icebox.

Ohhh-oh!

Oh!
Look at these here, Ralph.

Boy, they had me fooled.
They're real!

I mean it! They're
almost as good

as the artificial ones!

Nice, huh?

Oh, I'm sure glad we could
all get together tonight.

We should've done this

a long, long time ago,
you know?

You're right about that, Burt,
but you know...

Oh, say, say!
Here's my wife.

Oh...
Hello.

( Ralph stammering )

You look lovely, darling,
lovely.

Oh, this is Mrs. Kramden,
Mrs. Norton.

Mr. Norton, Mr. Kramden.

So nice
to meet you.
How do you do?

Mrs. Weidermeier,
pardon me...

Surely.

May I say, when your husband
started to tell me about you,

when you just got married,
I thought that he was bragging.

But after seeing you
in person,

I can truthfully
and honestly say

that his words were inadequate,
to say the least.

Oh, well...

Mrs. Weidermeier, charmed.

Well, I'm very happy
to meet all of you.

Well!

Now that everybody
knows everybody,

why don't
we sit down?

Good thinking,
Burt!

Oh, good, good.
All right.

Well, I must say that
that is a lovely dress
you have on.

I noticed it as soon as
you came through the door.

Thank you.

Aren't we lucky
to have husbands

who notice
our clothes?

Yes.
We sure are.

Well, I'm pretty
lucky, too.

I have a wife who,
every time she gets

something for herself,
she gives something to me.

Well, I want to say,
Mrs. Weidermeier,

that that's
very thoughtful.

It's not many wives
who want to give their
husbands something.

Oh, I don't know, Ralph.

I've been thinking of
giving you something.

And you may get it
real soon.

Well, you can pick up
some wonderful things

at the Millman shop,
Mrs. Kramden.

Really?
Hey, listen...

why are we being
so formal?

Let's cut out the
last names, shall we?

Oh, all right.

That's right, Burt.

"Burt" sounds so strange to me.

I haven't called
you Burt for years.

Well, uh, Burt's
his name, ain't it?

Yes, but you see, we have
pet names for each other.

Pet names for each other!

Now isn't that cute?

I bet you
that was your idea.

Yes, it was.

Don't you have
certain names

you like to call
your husbands?

Oh, I have several
I'd love to call him.

All you have to do
is pick your husband's
outstanding feature,

and find a name
that fits.

Oh, I see! Isn't that
a good idea, Tubby?

What do you mean, "Tubby"?

Tubby? That's
a perfectly
darling name!

Do you think so,
Mrs. Weidermeier?

Oh, I like it!

( chuckles )

Boys in the poolroom
will love it!

I just can't seem
to smoke a cigarette

unless it's in a holder.

Uh, let me get you
a match here.

I have a torch,
I have a torch.

Such gentlemen!

Look, folks, we skipped
our dessert at dinner.

Thought you might like
to have it with us.

I wouldn't dream of having
it without you, Burt!

Well, how about
it, kitten?

Shall we serve
the cookies
and coffee now?

That's a good idea.

You know, if Twinkles
didn't remind me about food,

we'd never eat!

All our friends
say we live on love.

( men laughing )

I'll bring it in.

Oh, let me
help you get it.

I'll help
you get it.

Me, too, me, too.

Really, there's
no need to bother.

Perfectly all right.

This way we can bring it
all in together.

( chortles )

What a husband you have!

He certainly is a treasure!

A treasure!

If he keeps this
up much longer,

he's going to be
a buried treasure!

Look, Alice, let's talk
about it tomorrow.

I've got to get out of here.

I can't take
anymore of this!

Well, we'll need
an excuse, Trix.
Yeah.

Headache?
Yeah, headache!

All right.
That's what we'll do.

As soon as they come in.
Oh, boy, I'm telling you...

I want to tell you,

I've seen some two-toned
kitchens in my day,

but that is a beauty
you have in there.

And may I add, Burt,
that you have

a sensible-sized
refrigerator there.

Whoops!

Leave it there,
the cat'll get it.

( guffaws )

"Leave it there,
the cat'll get it"!

Leave it there,
the cat'll get it!

I heard him, I heard him.

By any chance,
Mrs. Weidermeier,

did you make these cookies?

No, Twinkles made them.

I didn't have the time!

I was at the beauty
parlor all day!

Well, one hasn't got time
to do everything, has one?

Oh, uh...

Sugar and cream?

Uh, no, thank you.

I really don't care
for any coffee.

Well, how about
some tea, or a
glass of milk?

Well, no, thank you.
Nothing for me at all.

I've suddenly got
the most splitting headache.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Can I get you
some aspirin?

No, thank you.

I don't get these
att*cks very often,

but when I do, the best
place for me is home.

Yes, that's right.

I've seen this happen before,
and we've really got to go.

Well, look, when you
get her home, Trixie,

make sure she goes to bed.

We're all going home.

Oh, you know,
I sympathize
with you, Alice.

I get those headaches
once in a while.

I know how bad
they can get.

I'll just get your coats.

Thank you.

Surely.
Thank you, Burt.

Well, I certainly did enjoy
having all of you over.

It's been a lovely evening.

Thank you.
How could it be otherwise,

with a hostess
such as you?

Mrs. Weidermeier, may
I echo those words?

Here we are.
Thank you.

I'm sure you'll feel
all right in the morning.

Sometimes these things go away
just like that, you know?

Yes. Good night,
and thanks for everything.

Here we are.
Good night.

We'll have to do
this again, real soon.

How about
tomorrow night?

Come on, Ralph.
Good night!

Good night!
Good night!

And before going,
may I say... Ho-ho!

Good night, Burt.
Good night.

Say, uh, you mind if I had
one for the road?

A drink?

No, no.
One of those cookies!

Oh, I do like
a short cookie, Burt!

You do make them short!

Oh, me! Well...

Alice, honey, I'm home!

( with affected speech ):
Hello, big boy.

Hi, Alice.

Oh, I thought this day
would never end.

Oh, I'm so glad you're
home at last!

Alice... You've been
at that rum candy again!

Who needs rum?

It's you who
go to my head.

You intoxicate me.

Don't give me that!

You've been eating
that candy!

Who needs food?

We can live
on love, Ralph.

Kiss me!

Now! Can you compare
pot roast to that?

Oh, I must be smeared.

I'll go fix my lipstick.

I won't be gone long... k*ller.

I call you "k*ller,"
'cause you slay me.

And I'm calling Bellevue,
'cause you're nuts!

Come out here!

Now look, Alice,
you're doing something,

and I wanna know
what it is!

What do you mean, Ralph?

You know what I mean!

Smoking that thing,
acting like this!

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just trying to be

the kind of woman
you admire, Ralph.

What do you mean,
the kind of woman I admire?

I saw...
Oh, look out now!

I saw the kind of woman
you admire, Ralph!

I watched you!

Oh, I watched you all last
night being so attentive

to a woman that you admire.

A woman who, in my opinion,
is silly, self-centered,

and takes terrible
advantage of her husband.

But if that's the kind
of woman you admire,

that's the kind of
woman I'm going to be.

And it's going to be
terribly easy for me, Ralph,

because I'll spend all my
days at the beauty parlor

and shopping for dresses, and
when I come home here at night,

you'll be waiting for me

with the same kind of
flattery that you gave Rita!

Rita? Rita?!

Is that what's
bothering you-- Rita?

Well, that's a laugh!

Well, let me in on it!

I'd like a laugh, too,
you know.

Are you nuts or something?

I don't care about...

Did you think
that I like Rita?

I was just throwing
the old charm on her

to make a hit with Burt!

He's gonna be the general
manager down at the depot,

and I want to get
in good with him!

Well, that may explain
your being so attentive
to Rita, Ralph,

but it doesn't explain
something much more important.

It doesn't explain why,
in all these years, Ralph,

you've never tried to make me
feel like your sweetheart,

or even noticed
how I looked.

I wish you had an explanation
for that, Ralph.

Oh, how I wish you had
an explanation for that.

I have got
an explanation for it.

I'm a mope.

But I love you, sweetheart.

Honest I do.

You're the greatest.

Oh, Ralph!