01x38 - Dial J for Janitor

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Alice.

Hey, could I, uh, borrow Ralph's
big, uh, monkey wrench?

I'm working
on the pipes upstairs,

and I ain't got no water.

Yeah, Trixie was
telling me about that.

But I thought the janitor
was going to fix the pipes.

Aw, janitor fix the pipes?
He don't fix nothing.

I'm telling you,
I-I'm getting pretty sick

and tired of this,
you know.

Hey, everybody in the building
gets water except us.

I know, Ed,
and it's no joke.

You tell me it's no joke.

Boy, I-I never thought
I'd live to see the day

when I'd work
eight hours in the sewer

and come home
and want to see water.

( chuckles )

Well, I'll see
if I can find

the wrench for you.
Yeah.

Hey, there,
Ralphie boy!

Will you stop that?!

I got
a splitting headache.

Well, I'm sorry, Ralph.

Must you always
be loud like that?

Can't you say,
"Hello, Ralph?"

( quietly ):
Hello, Ralph.

Why don't you take
some aspirin?
I did.

Didn't it help?
Didn't it do no good?

Now, isn't that a
stupid question--

to ask me if
it did any good?

If it did any good,

would I be sitting
here holding my head,

waiting for it
to blow up?

I know just what
you're going through, Ralph.

When I was in the navy,

boy, I'll never forget
I had a headache like that once.

Boy, pounding.

Bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang, bang...

Stop that!

Oh, sorry, Ralph.

Have you any
consideration?

Well, anyway,
like I was telling you,

I had this headache.
I couldn't get rid of it, see?

So, I went to the navy doctor.

So he examined me. He says
I had pressure on the brain.

He should remove it.

So, well...
( chuckles )

...I took a lot of kidding from
the boys on the ship, you know,

'cause afterwards
they-they said,

"What did he do, remove
the pressure or the brain?"

( laughing )

Don't ask me 'cause I
know what he removed.

Here you are, Ed.
Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Hiya, hon.

Thank you very much, Alice.

I shall return it.

Okay.

( door slams )
Ooh!

What's the matter, Ralph?

Oh, I got a headache.

Oh, I'll fix you
an ice pack.

Wait a minute.

What are you going
to do with that?

I'm going to chop some ice,
of course.

No, I don't want to
hear any banging.

Don't chop anything.
Just keep quiet.

Open the window.
Let some fresh air in.

I'll be all right in
a couple of minutes.

Okay.

( sighs )

( window slams )
Ah!

What's the matter with you?

I told you to
tell the janitor
to fix that window.

I did tell him, Ralph.

I told him a hundred times.

I also told him to fix
the bedroom closet

and the leaky faucet.

Well, that's what you get.

That's what you get
for treating a janitor

in the correct manner.

That's my thanks
for giving him a
Christmas present.

I didn't have to
do that, you know.

I could have smoked
that cigar myself.

I didn't have to
give it to him.

Well, since you're the one

that's so good
to the janitor, Ralph,

why don't you run down
and ask him

to fix a few things
around here?

Don't worry, I will.

Up to now I've been
a little too lenient.

I've only been down there
five or six times this week.

But from here on in,

he's gonna know that
I live in this building.

( metallic clanging )

What's that?

That's Ed.
He's working on his water pipes.

( clanging continues )

Well, can't he get
the janitor to fix
it in the daytime?

He asked him to, Ralph,
but I guess he didn't give him

a nice Christmas present
like you did.

Norton! Norton!

ED:
What? What? What? What?

Will you stop that
banging up there?

I've got a headache.

Well, I need water!
I've got to take a bath.

Do me a favor and stay
dirty just for the night.

( sighs )

( yells )

Ralph, it's no good your going
on suffering like this.

I'm gonna run next door
to Mrs. Manicotti

and get some of those
headache powders she uses.

All right, sweetheart.

I'll be right back.

Ralph.
( clears throat )
Yes?

Out of consideration for you,
I stopped banging on the pipes,

but I need some water.

Do you mind
if I borrow some?

Take all you want.

Use one of the pots
to take it upstairs
if you want.

No, never mind.

I've got something
to hold it in.

I'm sorry to keep barging in
like this on you.

I know you don't feel well,

but, uh, we-we got
unexpected company.

Trixie's folks
came in there for dinner,

and we've just got
to stretch the soup.

( knocking )

Come in.

Oh, oh, here he is--

our lovely landlord,
Mr. Johnson.

I knew you'd be up here.

Headaches and you go together.

Oh, well, I'm
certainly happy

to see you there,
Mr. Johnson.

Why don't you send your
janitor up to my place

and give me some water?

I haven't had any
water in so long,

I'm beginning
to see mirages.

Look, you two are pretty good at
making complaints, aren't you?

Well, let me tell you something.

There ain't no janitor.
He just quit.

And do you know why he quit?

He quit on account
of you and you.

Now that's the fourth janitor
that I've had this year,

and they all quit
on account of you

because you wouldn't give them
time to rest.

Because you'd hound them
night and day,

and you made their lives
miserable!

We make their lives miserable?
Get a load of that!

Now, look,
I pay my janitors very well.

I give them $150 a month
and free rent.

And still they quit.

They wouldn't stay
in the same building with you

if I paid them
$1,000 a month!

Now, this is the end.

Tomorrow morning
I'm going to see my lawyer,

and I'm going to get you
out of this building.

One way or another

I'm going to get you and you
out of this building!

Now, wait a minute,
Mr. Johnson.

Don't get upset.

I'm sure that
I can straighten...

What's going on here?

Uh, nothing, sweetheart.

Uh, would you step out
into the hall with me,

Mr. Johnson?

I'm sure I can straighten
this whole thing out.

Ed, what's there
to straighten out?

( grumbling )

Johnson's...
oh, I don't know.

He's mad. He's mad
at-at Ralph and me.

We're too tough on his...
on his precious janitors.

He's threatening to throw
us out of the building,

or something,
I don't know.

What?!

Yeah. Well, let him try.
Let him go ahead.

Get a lawyer.
I don't care.

I'll fight fire
with fire.

I'll get a lawyer.

You ever heard
of Sam Wiggims?

No.

Oh, boy.
Best lawyer in town.

He specializes
in those cases,

you know, where
a landlord threatens

to throw out a tenant?

Let me see, uh...

If I only knew how
to get ahold of him.

Well, don't you know
his office number?

I knew his old number.
He was evicted last week.

Well, everything's fixed.

What do you mean,
everything's fixed?

Everything's fixed.

Now, look, the tenants in this
building have to realize this--

that a janitor is a human being.

He's got to be treated
with respect.

He's not a sl*ve,
not a horse.

If you want things done
for you,

you've got to speak nice
to the janitor.

And another thing.

When the janitor
does you a favor,

tip him a couple of bucks, show
him that you're on his side.

As a matter of fact,

I think everybody should chip in
around Christmas time

and give him sort of a bonus
or something.

Maybe around Easter time too.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait a minute.

$150 a month,
free rent, tips,

Christmas,
Easter bonuses.
( chuckles )

Boy, if the job
was that good,

I'd take it myself.

You're, uh, too late.
I b*at you to it.

Ralph!

I am the new janitor
of this building.

Have you gone completely
out of your mind, Ralph?

You've already got a job.

So what? Now I'm going
to get two salaries,

and we don't have to pay
the rent on this apartment.

Ralph, you can't possibly
handle all of that.

Boy, you've done some
crazy things in your time,

but this is without a doubt
the craziest.

Har, har, hardy, har-har.

Uh, wait a minute, Ralph.

Wait, I think...
I think your wife
speaks words of wisdom.

I think that
a time like this,

you should just stop

and give serious
consideration to this

before you assume these
grave responsibilities.

Now, do you realize
all the long hours
entailed in this job?

Long hours that normally
would be devoted to Alice

and to your other friends
and to recreational activity?

True, there will
be some financial
reward or renumerinaries,

but have you realized that
money doesn't mean nothing

uh, compared to the sacrifices
you're going to make

to this here job as janitor.

Now, considering
all of this,

you still want
to be janitor?

I certainly do.

Okay.

Fix my pipes.

Ho-ho, would I...

Oh, hiya, Ralph.
You're home already?

Yeah. I came right home

as soon as I
took the bus in.

I want to tell you,
this job as janitor

certainly keeps you hopping.

What's that?

Oh, this is a
house telephone.

It's, uh, keeping in line
with my new efficiency system.

You see, now, if anybody
in the building wants me,

all they have to
do is buzz me,

instead of yelling
out the window for me

or yelling down the
hall or screaming,
"Where is he?"

You see, if other janitors
that took care of this job

had this efficiency
system in mind,

they'd still be here.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I got
a few items for you

to try out
your new efficiency system on.

While you were working today,

Mrs. Bennett dropped in
to complain about her radiator.

Two, Norton wants
his water pipes fixed.

Three, the fire inspector
was around.

He said you'd better
clean out the cellar or else.

Four and five, Norton wants
his water pipes fixed.

Six, Mrs. Olsen said you
didn't fix her venetian blinds.

You broke it.

All right.
I heard enough.

Oh, you haven't heard
anything yet, Ralph.

Wait till I get through telling
you about Mrs. Hannon's bathtub.

That's really a doozy.

What's the matter
with these people?

Don't they realize a
janitor only has two hands?

Don't expect any sympathy
from me, Ralph.

The work has piled up on you
for one reason:

because you had
to go bowling last night.

And while you were bowling,

I had to take out the ashes
and bank the furnace.

Now, I did not ask for the job
of janitor, Ralph, you did.

So if you don't want
the work to pile up on you,

then you'll just have
to cut out bowling

and some of this other
foolishness of yours.

Now, that's one of
the most ridiculous
things I ever heard of.

Why should I cut
out bowling?

It's my only relaxation.

Besides, the
exercise is good

for me to keep
down my weight.

You don't need anything
to keep your weight down.

You need something
to hold it up.

Oh, ho-ho, ho.

Bang! Zoom!

Get my supper.

I'll be very happy
to fix it for you, Ralph,

if only to prove
that somebody in this family

can fix something.

Well, I guess that does it.

Now I'll tell all the tenants
in the building

that the house phone is in,
and they can buzz me.

RALPH ( yelling ):
Attention, everyone!

Everybody in the building!

Hear this!

The house phone is in.

If you want me, just buzz.

You don't have to yell
in the hall anymore.

( coughs )

( clears throat )

It's dusty out in that hall.

( buzzer blaring )

Hello?

Oh, hiya, Mrs. Manicotti.

What do you mean,
I didn't fix your sink?

While you were out Sunday,

I spent three hours
fixing your sink.

And by the way, you could
at least have the courtesy

if you want me to fix your sink,

to take the dirty dishes
out of it.

Huh?

Oh.

All right.

( clears throat )

How do you like that?

I spent three hours Sunday
fixing the kitchen sink,

and it was the bathroom sink
that was stopped up.

( buzzer blaring )

Hello?

( buzzing continues )

Hello?

What do you want, Mrs. Fogarty?

Somebody's been taking things
out of your icebox?

Well, what are you
telling me for?

You think I'm the type of man
that goes around

taking things out
of people's iceboxes?

Don't be a wisenheimer,
Mrs. Fogarty.

They're all nuts.

( buzzer blaring )

Aww...!

Hello?

No, Mrs. Schwartz,
this is a house phone.

You can't get Jersey on it.

They're all nuts, Alice.
They're all gone.

Sorry you took
the job, Ralph?

No, I'm not sorry.

It'll take more than a few
complaints to make me quit.

( gasping, choking )

What's the matter?
What's the matter, Norton?

Are you having an att*ck
or something?

Can I get you anything,
Norton?

Yes. Water, water, water.
I want water!

I hope there's some water
on the moon

'cause that's where
you're going to end up!

Ah, come on, you've
been telling me for
a whole week now

you're gonna fix my pipes
so I can get water.

Well, I'm not gonna vote for you
for Janitor of the Year.

You've done nothing.
You're the worst yet.

You didn't even pick up
my garbage this morning.

I didn't pick
up your garbage

because that is part
of my efficiency system.

Efficiency?!

Yes, efficiency.

Your garbage pail
was half full.

When it's full full,
I'll take it down.

That way I'll make one trip
instead of two trips.

Save a trip here
and a trip there,

and it all mounts up.

That's what I'm afraid of.

It's mounting all up
over the building.

Look, can't you
and the rest of the
tenants understand

that you've
got to cooperate
with the janitor?

You help me, and
I'll help you.

There's an old
saying, you know.

"One hand washes
the other hand,

and both hands
wash the face."

Never mind
with the old sayings.

Just give me the water.
I know how to wash!

Sarcasm will get you no place.

Just remember,
you can catch
more flies with honey

than you can with vinegar.

Yeah. Well, with
your efficiency program there

with the garbage cans,

the least worry I have
is attracting flies. Phooey!

Listen, Ralph,
I don't blame Ed
for getting sore.

How would you like
to go without water?

Now, I think you should
drop everything else

and go up and fix
his water pipes.

I can't drop everything else.

I'll fix your water
for you tomorrow morning.

Thank you very much.
Just make sure you do.

My patience is exhausted.

And mark my words, this is
the last night I take a bath

in Fred's gasoline station.

Ralph, why do you
have to wait until
tomorrow morning?

Why can't you
do it tonight?

It's very simple.

Tonight I have
to clean out the cellar

before the fire inspector
gets there.

Now, I don't want to hear
any more about being a janitor.

I just want to sit down
and eat my supper.

And may I say
that this roast beef

is a very pleasant surprise.

Thank you.

( buzzer blaring )

I'm not answering.

Let them ring and ring and ring
'cause I'm not answering!

But they're
playing your song.

I don't care whose song
they're playing.

I'm not answering!

( buzzer continues )

Yeah?

All right.
I'll tell him.

Well, who was that?

Mr. Riley.

He said, and I quote,

"Eureka, my garbage
can is full."

ALICE:
Ralph?

Yes!

Are you down there?

Yes, I'm down here.

You'd better hurry up, Ralph.

It's a quarter to 8:00.
You'll be late for work.

I know what time it is.

I think I know
where the trouble is

on account of
the water pressure.

It's down here.
I'll be up in a minute.

( coughs )

Janitor?

Oh, janitor.

Oh, excuse me, janitor,

for barging into your
private office here.

If I told you once,
I told you a hundred times,

don't call me janitor.

I am a maintenance engineer.

Would you mind engineering
a little maintenance

and getting my pipes fixed
up in my place, please?

It just so happens for
your information, Mr. Norton,

that the solution
to your problem

is not upstairs,
it's down here.

The whole trouble
is water pressure.

There's nothing wrong
with your pipes.

Pressure, huh?

That's right. Pressure.

It's a simple
scientific principle.

I hope that you realize that
water always seeks its level.

Yes, we've heard
rumors to that effect

down in the sewer.

Well, the trouble is
that all I have to do

is turn this wheel
on that water pipe,

it'll increase the pressure,

and you'll have
all the water you need.

Oh, I see.

Now move those boxes
out of the way...

and hold this.

What's the matter?

I can't reach it enough
to get a good grip on it.

ALICE:
Ralph!

What?

It's five minutes
to eight!

I know it's five minutes
to 8:00!

Well, get around in a
different position at it.

Look, you asked me
to give you water this morning,

I'm gonna give you
water this morning.

And there's more ways
to skin a cat.

If I can't reach it
this way,

I'll just go around the back
and come through there.

Uh...

Uh, Ralph, I, uh,

I think it's a little
tight squeeze in there.

This is a case
where the spirit is willing,

but the flesh
is just too much!

Will you just stay
out of this and
let me handle it?

Yeah.

( grunts )

What's the matter?

I'm stuck.

You're stuck?

Wait a minute.

Hold-hold-hold everything.

I'll give you a
little push now.

Wait a minute. Just...

Stop that!

What are you trying to do?
Break my leg?

I can't reach it.

You can't reach it, huh?

Well, now,
just-just-just be calm.

Uh, let me see now.

Uh...
( grunts )

Look, maybe if I
get out of here

and you get in here,
you can reach it.

That'll do it, that'll do it.
I'm smaller.

I mean, I hate to embarrass you
or anything like that,

but, you know,
you're just a little too chubby.

Ah, shut up.

All right, get out.

Get out there,
and I'll get in there.

( grunts )

Go on,
out, out, out, out.

I'm trying to get
out! I'm stuck!

Oh, you're stuck?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute now.

Uh, let's see,
I couldn't push you in,

but maybe...
maybe I could push you out.

Ow! Get off me!

What are you trying
to do? Break my neck?

Oh, Mr. Kramden!

I'm stuck in here.
Will you get me some help?

Oh, my goodness! Help! Help!

Is everybody
going nuts in here?

Ralph, maybe we could call
the fire department.

What good is the fire
department gonna do?

Well, they're good
at a lot of things.

They get cats out of trees.

I knew a fireman
that delivered...

I am no cat!

I've gotta get out
of here, Norton.

The heat from these
pipes is k*lling me.

Well, wait a minute now,
you've gotta...

Is there some way
I can turn off the steam?

ALICE:
Hey, Ralph...

Listen, go into
the other room.
Eh?

What is it, Alice?!

It's 8:00.
You better get moving.

I know it's 8:00!

Well, what do I do?

Go into the other room,
the furnace room

and there's a
wheel in there.

Turn it toward the wall.

Turn it... roger, wilco.

Norton! You turned
it the wrong way!

Huh?
You turned
it the wrong way!

Turn it toward the wall!

The wall?
Yes, the wall.

There are four walls!

Turn it to the right!

All right!

I'm not in...

I know it's 8:00!

Norton, will
you turn it...?

( fire alarm clanging,
siren wailing )

( buzzer blaring )

All right, all right,
I'm coming.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Mr. Johnson.

Yes, we did want to see you.

Well, if you can come up
right now, it'd be perfect.

Thanks.

Whew...

Don't start anything,
Alice.

Don't start anything,
or you'll get yours.

Who was that?

Mr. Johnson.

And he's on his
way up here, Ralph.

Now, when he
gets up here,

you just tell him
that you're quitting.

You tell him that
you've discovered

that you're
absolutely incapable

of handling this
janitor's job.

Now, that's exactly what
I'm not going to tell him.

I'm not incapable
of handling this job.

I was handling that janitor job
just perfect.

Then that thing had to happen,
and it wasn't my fault, Alice.

It wasn't my fault.

No. No, it wasn't
your fault, Ralph.

You were just doing
an impersonation

of two pounds of baloney
in a one-pound bag.

Ho, ho-ho, you're a riot,
Alice, a regular riot!

( knocking )

Come in.

Oh.

Hello, there,
Mr. Kramden.

I hear you had
a little bit of trouble

in the cellar
this morning.

Well, I don't want...

I don't want to say
anything about it.

It's a mere bag of shells.

I don't know why everybody's
making such a fuss about it.

And it wasn't my fault
in the first place.

Uh, by the way,
I'm glad you've come
up here, Mr. Johnson,

because I have some
bad news for you.

Unfortunately,
I'll have to give up

my job as janitor here.

Not because I'm incapable

but only because it
makes a few demands

on my leisure time
that I can't afford.

I see.

However, I don't want
you to be panicky

because until you get
another janitor,

I'll keep on at the job,
taking care of everything.

D-D-don't do that.

I-I mean, uh,
it's very nice of you

to be so thoughtful,
but as a matter of fact

I've already found
another janitor.

In fact,
he's already on the job.

That, Mr. Johnson,
is pretty sneaky.

I hope whoever you
got is on the ball,

a guy that doesn't goof

'cause there's plenty of
things in this apartment

that need attention.

That window needs to be fixed.
That sink needs to be fixed.

It leaks all the time.

I'm glad you brought it up.

The janitor's
on the floor right now.

In fact,
I'll send him right in.

Thank you very much,
Mr. Johnson.

Thank heaven
that's over with.

Isn't it a
relief, Ralph,

not to have to go
to work tonight?

You busy yourself
around this house.

Now you can go
bowling with Norton.

You won't have a thing in
the world to worry about.

Go bowling with Norton?
Go bowling with Norton?

If I live to be
a hundred years old,

I wouldn't go bowling
with Norton.

The gall that that man has
to do what he did to me--

circulate a petition
amongst the tenants

and get them to sign it
to fire me as janitor!

( knocking )

Come in.

Probably the
new janitor now.

Come in!

At your service,
folks.

No, ho-ho.
No, no, no.

That can't be it!

It can't be any...