03x02 - There's No Ivy in Team

[bunniefuu]

[d*ck] Gotham City. Demons are rising up.

Criminals breathe in the shadows.

Blood paints the streets like graffiti.

My home needs Night wing.

Uh, anyone want to switch seats?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Finally! Hey, next time
we steal an invisible jet,

let's just, like, fly home
before it explodes.

Hello, Alfred.

Looks like the prodigal son
has returned... [GRUNTS]

What up, Gotham City?
You ready to lick off my toes?

Harley and Ivy are back!

That's how you wax poetic, you f*cking dork.

- [ALFRED] My word!
- [HARLEY LAUGHS]

- Hmm.
- I'll grab a cab.

Mmm. Hoda Kotb, your
pantry is beyond organized.

An oatmeal shelf. I am gagged!

My Meyer lemon tree
is finally producing fruit.

You know, they're not like regular lemons.

It's that hint of sweetness
that makes all the diff...

Hello, clayfaces and shark men!

[HORN BLARING]

[FRANK] And me!

I got your cheap Hudson
News-ass postcard from Paris.

I know you got this sh*t at the airport.

Oui, oui, m*therf*cker!

Oh, you're back! And creating all
kinds of fun new holes in the wall.

Did you know Mr. Kool-Aid improved
to that style of entry on the day?

Some talent you cannot teach.

Well, stealing classic commercial
bits are only the beginning

because now that the crew's
back together, we got mad plans, yo!

I knew you'd come back for a giant caper.

So what are we going to do?

Okay, Ivy came up with
the most badass, most genius,

crazy, sexy, cool plan ever!

Well, I... I wouldn't go that far.

It is so awesome and f*cked-up,

it would make Lex Luthor sh*t his pants!

That man does not sh*t
his pants for anything.

Dear heavens, Harley,
tell us what the plan is.

It's Ivy's plan. You gotta ask her.

I know you guys are used
to me being in charge,

but this is all Ivy, her time to shine.

Hit it, Ivy.

Oh, yes.

I will hit it

'cause I'm the boss lady, if you will.

The big honcho,
the top pepperoni. [CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT] You know what, guys?

We just walked in. I haven't even unpacked.

I smell like a bus. Can we just
talk about the plan in a little bit?

You are gonna cream
when you hear this plan. Huh.

And once again, our house is a home.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Huh. Feels smaller.

Uh... Why does this suit have boobs?

If you want to keep that one,
I have a spare in my locker.

This is my alcove, and you're not Batman.

He wishes, right?

He doesn't wish. I'm Batgirl.

And you're d*ck Grayson. Last of the
Flying Gray sons, ward of Bruce Wayne,

the original Robin, Teen Titan,
and now the protector of Bludhaven.

Night wing!

Night wing. Got it.

You were gone for a while.

We had to make some expansions stick.

Well, I see you've installed some new
darkened corners, and it's Night wing.

We're equals. Not Batman and Robin.

Got that right.

Ah, I thought you were four.

It's been eight years.
That's how time works, dickwad.

What's with your voice?

What are you talking about?

It's a bit overly serious.

I think it's an appropriate
amount of serious.

[ALARM BEEPING]

Firefly's attacking the Gotham corn factory,

but he's going to see his plan
go up in flames. To the Batmobile!

Shotgun.

Don't worry. You can ride with The Macaroni.

Who's The Macaroni?

Your chariot awaits.

f*ck The Macaroni.

[POISON IVY CLEARS THROAT]
Good evening. Welcome.

Bienvenue.

Is this an MLM? 'Cause I'm in.

- The dictionary defines terraforming as...
- [HARLEY] Ooh, ooh, me!

- Yes?
- You're doing great. [SMOOCHES]

Thank you. So thousands of
years ago, Gotham looked like this.

Before it became trash like this.

We're going to reanimate the
dead plant matter underneath the city

and supercharge it
to terraform Gotham into this.

Well, I'm sold.

Harls, just hang on a second,
I haven't said the actual plan.

I thought she was finished too.

Now, to terraform this city, I
need to create the Eden Serum.

But to do that, I need a compound
found only in prehistoric mosquitoes

that have been trapped in sap.

- Like in Jurassic Park!
- Uh... Yeah. I mean, I don't... Sure.

- She's never even seen Jurassic Park!
- [POISON IVY] Guys...

What? You are missing out
on % of my personality.

Why do you think I kept making
Jeff Goldblum references?

The good news is that

our friends over at the Natural
History Museum have such a mosquito.

Then let us heist!

I call the role of... [IN FEMALE
VOICE] Eleanor St. Cloud.

She's a widowed archaeologist
fresh off her latest find, love.

Actually, if you go ahead
and pick up your binders,

I've already assigned
each of you a fantastic role.

"Lookout number two"?

The roles have been carefully
chosen based on ability.

And this heist has been
planned, dare I say, to perfection.

- What about hidden security cams?
- It's in the binder.

- What about lasers?
- Also in the binder.

What if one of the day guards
picks up an extra shift

so he can finally propose
to his high school squeeze?

He quit smoking ages ago, but
carries around a cigarette for the smell.

- Nervous about the proposal...
- [SIGHS DEEPLY]

...he goes out for a whiff of the
old confidence stick and spots us.

That's not in the binder
because it's not going to happen.

Guys, I've thought of everything, okay?

I mean, look how sick this binder is.

That is leadership.

I know I wasn't invited on this
adventure, but I do have n-zotes.

Not listening to you.
Okay, so that's the plan.

[APPLAUDING] Great plan.

Sorry if this clap sounds sarcastic.

I sprained my hand playing table tennis.

What the hell are you doing here, Bane?

I am here for revenge!

I gave Amy and Kite Man a very
expensive pasta maker for their wedding,

but they didn't get married!

[COUGHS] It's gauche to keep the gift.

Yeah, and it's double gauche
to ask for it back, you d*ck stick.

And we don't even know where it is.

[BURPING]

I asked nicely, but next time I
return, there will be no good manners.

All right, boss, time to steal a mosquito.

Okay, on three.

[ALL] One, two, three!

sh*t! Sorry I didn't tell you what
to say on three. I just counted.

Should we go again? No, let's just go.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

All clear.

You know why I picked up this extra shift?

Because I need a little extra money.

I'm proposing to my high school sweetheart,

and I don't know why
this is so nerve-wracking.

We're basically married.

I quit smoking a long time ago.

I just carry it around for the smell.

What, King Shark and his g*ng?

[ALARM BLARING]

Ah, sh*t on a pony, there
shouldn't be guards here...

[HARLEY] Come on, let's go, let's go.

- Ive, what do we do?
- Run!

[KING SHARK] Did she just ditch us?

Okay. Ivy is not leading our next thing.

Okay, look, I'm sure
this is just part of the plan.

She's got it under control. Okay?

Was this in the binder?

Oh, good! You got the magic bug.

- What now, Ive?
- Should we escape through the basement?

Or bust open the front door?

[ALL] Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy!

Ah!

How is an Ivy plan even more
of a disaster than a Harley plan?

It's a surprise to me too.

Okay. Successful heist, right?

- [ALL GROAN]
- All right.

Yeah. It looks like it went great, boss.

Look, there's dead plant matter
under this piece of concrete,

and when I apply the Eden Serum, it
will reanimate the plant and enhance it.

Watch and learn.

[SQUEAKS]

Ah, yes!

Oh-ho, success!

Oh, my gosh, this is...

- Oh, no!
- [KING SHARK GROANS]

Aah!

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, that's terrifying!

Oh, my God.

sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

- [SIZZLES]
- [SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

I'm not going to repeat what that
plant said, but he f*cking hates you.

Knock, knock. I'mma coming in,
so I'm gonna... [GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

Hey, Ive, I can't find the
opening to your flower.

[CHUCKLES] Which is a first.

- [GASPING] Hey!
- I screwed it up.

I screwed up the Eden Serum formula.

What makes you think that?

There are too many cooks in the kitchen.

It will be way better if I can
just work on this plan alone.

Yeah, no problem. I will tell King
Shark and Clayface it is just gonna be us.

I will let them down easy.

I mean alone, Harley. Like, just me.

[GASPS, SOBS]

[BATGIRL] Okay, what's the plan?

Batgirl, take out the g*ons.

Robin, get the sprinklers back online.

Night wing...

Wait. Where's Night wing?

Evening, gentlemen.

Didn't your mom ever tell you
not to play with matches?

Well, maybe he doesn't have a mom

or wasn't raised in a traditional household.

You're making a lot of assumptions here.

It's the Bat Family. Get them.

Change of plans, I guess.

The plan was to be discreet.

I don't do discreet. [GRUNTS]

Hey!

[GRUNTS]

Firefly, twelve o'clock.

[NIGHT WING] I'm on it.

- [GASPS]
- Whoa...

[BOTH GRUNTING]

We need to do something about the team.

Yeah, I have notes for everyone.

We're still getting pizza after this, right?

Give me that.

Ugh, ugh!

I cannot believe that she doesn't want me.

I mean us, us!

If I've learned anything from my one day

on the set of the Thomas Wayne biopic,

everyone can be a star in
their own role. Give her time.

I'm sure Ivy will inhabit
the character of leader.

[FRANK] Good luck with that.

I've known Ivy for years and she didn't
even let me be a part of the plant plan,

and I'm a g*dd*mn plant. That's my thing.

[GROANING] I wish there was some way
to teach her how important teamwork is.

[MAN ON TV] Are you looking
for a fun team-building activity?

[YELPS] That's exactly what I need.

Something to foster camaraderie.

Perhaps you need
to foster group camaraderie.

It's at the top of my
foster list above the kittens.

♪ If you want to have fun And do
it as a team Then come on down ♪

♪ To Green Street ♪

I have an idea.

Is it the commercial we all just heard?

No, I am not a dumb sponge soaking up,
spitting out whatever I hear on TV. Okay?

[AUTOMATED BEEPING]

Uh, usually when
a b*mb beeps, it's a bad thing.

Because they're about to explo...

Eh.

- [ALARM BUZZES]
- Your card's been declined.

Impossible. I use autopay.

I also went paperless to save the trees.

Declined. There's a hold for identity theft.

You'll have to talk to your bank.

This is outrageous!

I need to blow up a mall tonight.

Could you hold it for me?

If I do that for you,
I gotta do it for everybody.

You're giving my expl*sives
to freaking Calendar Man?

What's he going to blow up? Valentine's Day?

I hate this place.

I will take the full fury
of my business elsewhere.

The ransom video said
they're holding Harley in here.

Well, are you sure?

What the hell is this place? Huh?

A great way to take your mind off
things and let those creative juices flow.

So, being kidnapped...

Was, on second thought, an
over-the-top lie to get you here,

- which, by the way, took a lot of work.
- And where is here?

An escape room! Oh, no!

Did we stumble upon the abandoned
home of Professor Phineas T. Puzzler?

Eccentric inventor and noted recluse.

The only way out of this mysterious mansion

is to solve a series of clues,
each more fiendish than the next.

You know, there's no way
I'm going to do that.

Oh, it's just one hour, and I already forged
your signature on the release, so, ha.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, great. Noobs.

It was half price if we didn't
ask for a private group.

I'm Nelvin Eckles,
escape room extraordinaire.

You don't follow me on social?

Yeah, I'm done.

I'm not spending an hour with this guy.

Wait. Is this thing real?

- Ahoy.
- Riddler?

It's me, Professor Puzzler,

who's trapped in an escape room
with minutes to spare.

A wrong answer would lead you
to your mortal despair.

Fail to solve the puzzle,
you'll be squashed like a bug.

Win and you'll get a group photo

and personalized mug,
limited to characters.

Huh! The ad did not mention this.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Guys, it's gonna be okay.
We'll figure this out.

- Okay, we won't but Ivy will.
- Ah, sh*t maggots.

I should be working on the
Eden Serum right now. Ugh!

And you're gonna totally figure that
out, right after you help us out of this jam

because there is no one...

Damn it, Harley! Please stop telling me
how smart and what a great leader I am.

I don't want the responsibility.
I don't. Not a good leader!

You've got to stop hitting
things when you're mad.

It's ironic, I know, but...

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY] Huh?

- Okay, ID?
- I'm Bane.

You know... Bane! Bane.

Okay, so we put a hold on your account

due to suspicious activity, and
we can go through the charges.

So there's, like, $ at
Big Belly Burger at : a.m.

Yeah, I like that breakfast
sandwich as much as the next guy.

Another $ at Big Belly Burger at : a.m.

Well, perhaps it's more than the next guy.

Twenty-five cases of hard seltzer.

One hundred cals and cheaper in bulk.

There's nothing suspicious
about these activities.

The wedding dress
worn by Sarah Jessica Parker

in the Sex and the City movie,
that was such a cash grab,

and you paid $ , for it.
I'm sorry, what?

You can't put a price
on a bespoke Vivienne Westwood.

It's a work of art!

I know I'm just, like, a simple
bank teller or whatever,

but looking at your purchase history,
I'm just like, are you depressed?

No... [HESITATES]

I couldn't help but wonder.

Was the teller telling the truth?

Was I depressed?

Perhaps my identity had been stolen,

by myself.

- [CLOCK BEEPING]
- Mmm.

- So we're gonna die, aren't we?
- Oh, yeah.

And it might be incredibly painful.

If you'd like, I can just eat you right now.

Just save you the trouble.

Piss cakes of a d*ck...

Let the game begin, my sad little pawns.

Your opponent awaits,
a chess master of brawls.

Time's wasted in danger, will never abate.

So make haste and escape,
with a nimble checkmate.

Gonna need you to step aside, ma'am.

Card-carrying Mensa member.
JK, Mensa doesn't gift cards.

My incredible brain is my card.

I know this is terrifying,
but I am so impressed

- with the production value.
- Right?

So what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I heard the commercial and
thought, "That's what we need..."

- Group camaraderie!
- Yes!

Yes, that's why I brought us here.

We are so fricking smart.

I can't believe we got tricked
into coming here by Riddler.

It was a catchy commercial.

It was so catchy.

Ha! Checkmate, b*tches.

Whoo! [CHUCKLES]

You're welcome.

Hey, Searching for Bobby
f*ck stick, you just k*lled us.

You're right.

[MOANS] I'm so stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

And on IMDB, I'm actually listed
as Clayface, Roman numeral four.

But I hope I'll reclaim numeral
one when they update my credits

to include my role in the new
Thomas Wayne movie.

What Thomas Wayne movie?

Great, great, great, great! I'm
going to die with the eighth Robin.

I'm the first!

I thought I could cape crusade on my
own, but I let Tarantula k*ll Blockbuster.

It was big news in Bludhaven. [GROANS]

If the Bat Family knew about it,

they'd know what a failure I was.

If it was big news, don't you
think they'd already know about it?

I'm going to k*ll myself.

You do not have to do that. We're going
to die in, like, three and a half minutes.

Not fast enough!

Hey, I want to get out of here,
and I'm trying to form

a complete f*cking thought
before acting on it. Unlike you...

Yeah, well, the spikes ain't gonna wait
for you to come up with something perfect.

You might as well come up here with me.

I should have never left
Gotham in the first place.

I got restless and Batman pushed me.

Oh, my God, shut up!

He said, "Failure isn't fatal,
but failure to change might be."

Later, I found out he was just
quoting John Wooden,

which is so basic!

Oh, maybe that's it. Maybe
we have to fail to succeed.

Riddler's sh*t about checkmate.

He didn't say it was us
doing the checking, mate.

Ugh, yeah, I'm going to k*ll myself too.

Try jamming the gears. Stall.

Okay, Mensa boy, what's the
quickest way to lose a chess match?

That's easy. It's called a fool's mate.

- It dates back to...
- Ugh, just tell me what to move!

Okay, okay. Move your F pawn up one.

[GRUNTS]

Okay, now move your G pawn up two.

[STRAINING]

- I did it.
- Oh, my God!

We are not going to die.

Haven't they exploited that
poor, rich Wayne family enough?

Every few years, there's another
film depicting the Waynes' m*rder.

We get it. Crime alley.

The pearls, those pearls,
their beautiful child

watches them fall, as life is extinguished

from his mother's eyes,
so too is his innocence.

It's one thing for Bruce Wayne
to talk about his trauma,

but for others to do it
over and over again...

Yes, yes, go on. I can use all of this.

[RUMBLING]

- Oh, look, we did it.
- Teamwork!

- Ive!
- Harles.

Did my stupid, smart escape room idea work?

I mean, we still might die, but
sure. I don't know how you did it,

setting me up to tackle
my exact issue back there.

I mean, embracing failure to win.

How did you find this place?

I have no idea what you're talking about,

but no one expects you to be perfect.

We will always have your back,

- even if you screw up.
- This is very touching,

and it will make an
excellent Hallmark movie...

But we're going to die in three minutes!

No, we're not because I'm going
to do everything I can to save us.

And who cares if it's not perfect?

- I am...
- I just finished it.

- Thank God.
- Oh, great.

Yeah, congrats. You got it. f*ck you!

Please exit to the right
and leave the upper view

to collect your photo
and mug. Eleven characters!

You've got this, Ive.
We are all here for you.

You gave this to that
knobby-kneed dandelion.

- This is too strong.
- Okay, just hand me that.

If I fail, I fail.

And we'll try again tomorrow, right?

Yes!

You did it! Oh, you're such a
smoke show when you're planning.

Oh, something's wrong.
Something's very wrong.

Whoa! [COUGHS]

[POISON IVY] Not in a hot and sexy way.

Run, run!

sh*t... It went down my throat!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

At last! I shall have
my revenge for the pasta maker.

Oh, oh, wow.

I... I feel nothing.

I couldn't help but wonder.

Did I need a therapist after all?

[GRUNTING]

Is anyone hurt? Suffering from
current traumatic stress disorder?

Oh, no. Frank didn't make it out.

Frank, are you...

Are you okay?

I am...

a God!

Do you have any fours?

Okay, let's try again.

Hi, I'm Night wing.

I know. Last of the Flying Gray sons,
ward of Bruce Wayne, the original Robin.

[CHUCKLES] No, no.

Night wing, member of the Bat Family.

[ROBIN] You forgot
"giant dickhead," dickhead!

- [SIGHS]
- It's Firefly.

He's attacking an orphanage.

Quick, Bat Family, to the Batmobile!

- Shotgun.
- You can ride with me.

Thanks.

Maybe next time...

[YELPS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]