02x09 - Don’t You Want to Get Better

[bunniefuu]

- [INSECTS CHIRPING]
- [BIRDS TWITTERING]

[SHEILA] I'm healthier than I've been

in a long, long time,

longer than I can remember.

Actually, I'm not sure
I've ever been this healthy. [CHUCKLES]

I can't wait to take everything I've

learned in here over the past two weeks

and apply it to my life out there.

I mean, meal meditations.

I can a-already see doing those
at the kitchen table

every morning with my family.

The "honest expressions" work.
That's gonna be really helpful.

Not to mention the
art and the journaling,

and just the feeling of community
you have all given me.

I mean, thank you.
Knowing that I'm not alone.

[SIGHS]

[PATIENT SIGHS] Right.

I mean, I feel like a new person.

[PATIENT SCOFFS]

A new me. A healthy me.

Yeah, I guess you could say I have a...

A whole new outlook on life.

[PATIENT ] I'll bet.

I'm better.

And for that,
I'm just truly grateful to all of you.

But especially you, Luanne,

for creating this truly unique
environment for recovery.

It's thanks to you that I'm ready.

I'm ready to go.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

[PATIENTS MURMURING]

- Excuse me?
- You're all better, huh? [SCOFFS]

- You're delusional.
- [SCOFFS]

Come on, Luanne.
Am I the crazy one here? Or...

You know how I feel
about the word "crazy."

Crazy only means
"a woman I disagree with."

- Okay, thank you. So this...
- [LUANNE] You're also way out of line.

I-I-I feel very att*cked right now.

Well, I feel like you just took a sh*t

on the floor in front of all of us

- and called it a hot fudge sundae.
- [PATIENTS CHUCKLING]

- Harriet.
- What? Am I supposed to sit here

and listen to Miss America give
a f*cking acceptance speech?

[LUANNE] We know that confrontation
comes easy for you, Harriet.

But we also know
where it gets you, right?

So cool your jets, hon.

I think that will be the end
of our session this morning.

Thank you, everybody, for showing up.

Please enjoy your personal hour,

and I will see you
in the dining room, : .

Sheila, wanna join me in the bungalow
for a quick chat?

Sure.

[SHEILA] You sure took this
from bad to worse, didn't you?

Here you go.

So, just in case you forgot,
and frankly, you wouldn't be the first,

this experience is voluntary.
You remember that, right?

I do. Yes, I do.

Good, good. Because if I haven't been
reminding you of that,

I'm not doing my job.

The whole reason I started this place…

[SHEILA] Here we go,
the whole backstory again.

She wouldn't eat. Her parents sent her
to a mental institution.

They strapped her down. Force-fed her.

She vowed it would never happen
to anyone else. You know all this.

…until I'm blue in the face. But at
the end of the day, it's up to you.

So, what do you think?

Sheila?

Yeah. I was just thinking about
something else for a second.

But, um, could you say that again?
What... What did I think of what?

Sheila, you really think
you're ready to go home?

I'm really sorry that I tried
to manipulate in there,

instead of just asking if I could leave.

You don't need to apologize.

Recognition of harm.

It's... It's one of your steps.
It's on the list.

It is. It's my list.

But, in this instance,
while an apology is due someone,

it's not me.

I'm not apologizing to Harriet.
I mean, that woman is...

I know you don't like the word "crazy,"
but she's a bit...

[LUANNE] I'm talking about you, Sheila.

If you don't engage honestly
with this process,

you'll owe yourself an apology.

[SHEILA] Ugh.
You should've seen that one coming.

She probably has it stitched
on one of her stupid f*cking pillows.

What do you think you're getting from

this? Other than a big f*cking bill.

Put another way,

if you're not going to try, then, yeah.

You shouldn't be here.

I'm doing all the activities
and exercises. I'm showing up.

Showing up means being honest.

Not saying what I wanna hear,
but what's really on your mind.

[SHEILA] Nobody wants to know
what you think, least of all her.

Besides, you're showing up
with your checkbook.

All that turquoise can't be cheap.
Should be.

And it's up to you, Sheila.
You can go home right now.

You can call it a win, pick up
right where you left off in life.

Or you can stay here and commit,
and dig into the tough stuff.

That's where the real change lives.

So what's it gonna be?

[SHEILA] All you had to do
was tell her you were done.

You were ready to go.

But you lost your nerve
like you always do.

I laughed out loud
when I saw your little bag all packed.

Thank you for that.

Glad I could put a smile on your face.

Did you really think that would work?

Just you being all sincere and grateful?

"I'm cured. Bye-bye."

That was fascinating to watch.

In an unnatural way,
like a squirrel water-skiing.

Why do you care?

Well, care doesn't feel
like the right word, but...

We can't all love it here
as much as you do.

Why are you such a perpetual assh*le
to me?

- That's a fair question actually.
- I know.

There is a reason.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.

Um, it's face-related.
At least, in part.

[SCOFFS]

Did you do something
with my hand weights?

Do I look like I did something
with your hand weights?

[MOUTHING WORDS] Oh, my God.

[SHEILA] Stay here much longer,
you're gonna be just as bad as she is.

That's enough.

[SHEILA] You sure about that?
You might end up even worse.

Two weeks of this sh*t
and all they want is more from you.

Sucking you dry
while your business dies on the vine.

This whole thing is a racket.

Look at all this real estate.
How do you think Luanne affords it?

You haven't done it in two weeks.

You look better. You feel better.

But she doesn't want you to believe it.

Because the sicker you are,
the more she cleans up.

More revenue for greedy-ass Luanne.
Less chance of any for you.

[LUANNE] Mindful eating. What is it?

It's pretty much what it sounds like.

Eating with awareness for enjoyment
and nourishment

instead of all the other things
that we use food for.

Wanna help me out?

Comfort.

Companionship.

Avoidance.

All familiar.

[SHEILA] You're on your own here.
Sink or swim. See if I care.

Love?

Was that a question? 'Cause you went…
[IN HIGH VOICE] …up at the end.

- And back talk takes a walk.
- [HARRIET, NORMAL] Really?

- We're not doing that again, are we?
- Mmm. I can make it two.

Who would like to share
the six steps of the orange exercise?

Anyone but Harriet.

[SHEILA] Anorexics
are such overachievers.

sh**ting her hand in the air
like an approval-seeking m*ssile.

Holding, seeing, smelling, tasting,

swallowing, following.

- [SHEILA] Don't forget ass-kissing.
- [LUANNE] That's good, Melinda.

This is about sitting within yourself,

within your sensory experience.

And for some of us, that is not
the most comfortable place to be.

You don't have to raise your hand here.

- I'm sorry.
- And you don't need to apologize.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- That's okay. It's okay.

Can I pick a different orange?

This one feels like
it might have a problem inside it.

[SHEILA] Oh, boy.
This is gonna take a while.

[LUANNE] You go right ahead.

I'm sorry. This is crazy.
I'm making everyone wait.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

[SHEILA] You had a life, a workout tape,
a growing business,

and you're leaving it all behind
for this nonsense.

This is your tribe now.
This is where you wanna be?

…as if an alien dropped it
from a distant planet.

You've never seen anything like it
in your life before.

What are its qualities?
Its colors? Its shape?

[SHEILA] It's just an orange.
An ordinary f*cking orange.

How does it feel in your hand?
Its weight, its texture.

Look at all those little divots
and stubbles.

And now we're starting
with just one piece of the peel,

where all that fragrant oil is stored,

- protecting the skin of the fruit.
- Mmm.

Mmm. Try taking that in.

Let's be aware of how smelling
is a kind of consuming.

Travels through your nose
all the way to your lungs.

[SHEILA] It'll be a year
before you actually take a bite.

This is ridiculous.

And now placing one segment
of the fruit in your mouth,

trying not to bite it yet.
Just feeling it in your mouth.

Notice the sensations that come up
and how your system responds.

We're just gonna notice those things
for a moment without judgment.

[SHEILA] And without dignity.

[MOANS]

[LUANNE] I love that
vocalizing, Melinda.

Yes. Anything that comes up is okay,
but still trying not to bite.

We're just being mindful, observing.

[SHEILA] What's next?
Going to the bathroom together

and consciously sh1tting the orange out?
You're missing your chance.

You're wasting the little time you have

left to do something with your life.

No, you have to stop!

- [YELPS]
- [SHEILA] I'm sorry.

I just... I can't do this. You can.

I'm just, um... This one's not for me.

[HARRIET] She can't do that.
She can't just bail.

[LUANNE] Back to your orange, Harriet.
Back to your oranges, please.

Can I pick one?

- [DANNY] Sure.
- No, sweetie.

Sorry, sweetie. They're just
for everyone here, not just us.

How long are you here, Mama?

I told you, honey. It's gonna be
a couple weeks. We're almost there.

Yeah. It's ten sleeps,
and then I'm home.

It's not too bad. How's
Pinky, by the way?

She's sick. She hurt her head.

She's going to the head doctors
to feel better.

Oh. How'd she hurt her head?

Well, we haven't really gotten that far.

I'm getting a dog.

What? Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Wow, that's big and different.

Yeah. We visited a, uh,
animal… [SIGHS] …shelter.

And, uh, met some cute dogs.

One of 'em was named Oreo…
[CHUCKLES] …which we liked.

But, uh, she had some behavioral issues
and a runny thing from her eye,

so that was concerning, so...
But yeah, we're talking about it.

That's exciting.

Thank you for bringing her.

It's very generous of you.
You didn't have to do that.

Well, whatever we're dealing with,
I'm not gonna put that on her.

[SHEILA] He wants
her to see you like this

so he can be the hero, the dog provider.

More sh*t for you to shovel.
That's what that is.

I am so mad at you.

I don't know if there's ever gonna
be a time that I'm not mad at you.

- I'm so... Danny. I'm sorry.
- No. No, listen. Shh.

Please listen. Let me say this, okay?

I recognize that you are here
dealing with something

that is very big and very real,
and I am proud of you for facing it.

That is something to be commended.

There's a cycle here
that needs to be broken,

and it's up to you to break it.

For Maya.

So good for you. And that's all.

But I am still so mad at you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SHEILA ON TV]
Whoo! Let's do this thing.

- [SHEILA ON TV] Whoo! Whoo!
- [SHEILA] What the f*ck was that?

- Is that... Oh, f*ck.
- [SHEILA ON TV] Okay, folks.

I know how you're feeling.
Feeling pushed to the limit?

Figured out why I don't like ya.

[SHEILA] This was inevitable, wasn't it?

- Where did you even...
- Lucy got a copy.

I forgot all about it until
I popped it in today to sweat a little.

[CHUCKLES] And there you were.

Wait a second.
I can explain the whole thing.

Do you do this and
teach school or just...

Yeah, just this.

[CHUCKLES] Unbelievable.

[STAMMERS] I just said that I taught.
And I do teach.

So you guys, kind of,
filled in the blanks.

Partial lies are just as bad
as outright ones.

I personally think they're worse
on account of the sneakiness involved.

[SCOFFS] She's pretty f*cking sneaky.
That's for sure.

[SHEILA] I don't see it that way.

And I'm not sure what business it is

of any of yours what I do for a living.

You're peddling the very thing
we're all in here getting treatment for.

You're a fox in the henhouse.

[SHEILA] They don't want you here.
They don't like you here.

And yet you insist on
being here. Wake up!

What happens to you slinging this sh*t
after you leave here?

Well, I... I-I don't see what one thing
has to do with the other.

Why would anyone buy your tape
once they find out you're one of us?

"For the low, low price of $ .
and a crippling eating disorder,

you too can look just like me."

Yeah, this is definitely
what I don't like about ya.

[SHEILA] They won't be happy
until you're as miserable and broken

and devoid of options as they are.

Well, the... the truth is, I don't even

know if I'm gonna go back to this.

I-I don't know if I can...

I like it.

- The music is fun.
- Yeah, it is pretty catchy.

And Luanne says moderate exercise
is okay. Healthy, even.

You eat mustard packets for dinner.
What do you know about healthy?

[SIGHS]
We're going for a body gratitude swim.

Would you like to come?

[SHEILA]
You know you'd rather bathe in acid.

Okay.

Great. [CHUCKLES]

[LUANNE] I used to tell my ex
she was lucky she was a cokehead,

'cause she could just stop.

When your addiction is food,
it's much tougher.

You have to make friends with the enemy.

Develop a healthy, ongoing relationship

with the thing that's k*lling you.

But I'm not here to lecture anyone.

[SHEILA] Here comes a lecture,
in three, two... Three, two…

The truth is that I have as much to

learn from all of you as I do to teach.

[SHEILA] Self-serving,
sanctimonious crap!

Belongs on a coffee mug
on a middle school principal's desk.

Sheila, you're up. Gratitude time.

Um, okay. Uh, I woke up today.

Always better than the alternative.

[HARRIET LAUGHS]

Mmm, I saw my daughter
for the first time in two weeks.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

And, um, she looked bigger.

Different. [CHUCKLES]

But, uh, she can't be, can she?

I mean… [SCOFFS] …she probably
just matured being away from her mom.

Anything else you're grateful for
in there? It can be small.

[SHEILA] What about getting called out

for being full of sh*t? Is that small?

I can't think of anything.

Try not thinking. I find that
my mouth can work just fine on its own.

Sometimes all too well.

[SHEILA] Exactly as full of sh*t
as everyone else here.

Sitting around, sharing their feelings,
peeling their oranges,

while the Vinnie Greens of the world
take over.

[LUANNE] I can see something else
going on in there.

Something that you're not saying.
I'm interested in that.

[SHEILA] Oh, no, she isn't.

You've done the withholding
thing, Sheila. We're all aware of that.

Can you try letting it out for a change?

You don't have magic powers.
You don't see inside my soul. [LAUGHS]

You're not wise, and you're
n-not even clever. Definitely not funny.

Everything you say sounds like
you read it off of a bumper sticker

at a motel gift shop.

You act like you're the Dalai Lama,

when really what you are is a lonely,
formerly-fat lesbian

wearing way too much turquoise
to ever take seriously.

- Is that all?
- No.

This is back talk. She
should take a walk.

Shut up, Melinda. You f*cking child!
You're so g*dd*mn eager to please.

You can't even focus
on your own recovery

without begging every
grown-up in the room

to pat you on your f*cking head!

And you,
you act like this tough women's libber,

but the truth is you hate me

for the crime of being prettier
and more successful than you.

You have no life out there
in the real world.

This is your summer camp,

the only place where anyone
thinks you're anybody.

Okay, Sheila.

When I see what recovery
really looks like,

I'd rather be back on the bathroom floor

with my arms around the f*cking toilet.

[SHEILA] You did it. It's done. Now go.

[LUANNE] Sheila, wait.

[SHEILA] Are you crazy?
They hate you now. You are hated. Go!

You know what's cool about having
this particular mental illness?

There's nothing anyone can say to you,
no matter how vile,

that you haven't
already said to yourself.

I might have read that
on a bumper sticker somewhere.

[PATIENTS LAUGHING]

- Thank you for finally showing up.
- [SNIFFLES, SIGHS]

["TIME AFTER TIME" PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

Welcome to recovery. It sucks here.

[SHEILA CHUCKLES]

[SHEILA] Okay, I
get it. I've been a jerk.

I've been tough on you,
and it makes sense that you're angry.

You have every right
to be. I deserve it.

Maybe you'd be better off
without me in your ear all the time.

Maybe you'd be happier
and healthier for it.

Don't idealize the body.
Draw the curves. Draw what you see.

[SHEILA] I've been way too harsh on you.

The way I spoke about your body,
that was mean. And totally unfair.

But it hasn't been all bad.
I did motivate you at times, didn't I?

The video. The classes.
Would you have gone there,

pushed yourself, without me?
Can you honestly say that?

Who do you think you'll
become without me?

Everything good in your life
is because of...

[SONG CONTINUES]

[SIGHING]

[SHEILA] I'm really, really, really

just so sad about the waste. [SNIFFLES]

Wasting of my time. Feeling
shitty about, of all things, myself.

Like, I could have used that time
and energy to... [SIGHS]

I don't know. Make friends. [LAUGHS]
Make a difference.

Make anything, really, truly,
do anything else. [SNIFFLES]

[GROUP MURMURING, CHUCKLING]

Like, I could have learned an
instrument. Or f*cking Italian.

Or, you know, Japanese or something.
I don't know.

Maybe not Japanese. That's very hard.
But… [SNIFFLES] …I could have.

I mean, where I could be
with my business today,

if only... if I'd devoted, like,
half of that time and energy to...

[SIGHS] And I know that
it's not productive to talk like this,

but I just... you
know, I f... I feel sad.

And like all the lies I've told

and the harm I've done, and... You know?

And I wanna pick up
the pieces of my life.

But I just...
I'm worried that it's too late.

Look, I'm not here to pretend
like it's all unicorns and rainbows

on the other side of recovery.

But…

Did I say there was a "but"?

Well, I felt like you implied it.

And tell me what I implied.

That it's not too late.

If you say so.

I think I was under the impression

this would be more of
a couple-centric appointment.

[LUANNE] Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint you, Danny.

But this session is designed to pull

back the curtain on the recovery process

and in so doing, let in loved ones

to the lonely, isolating

and deeply secretive experience

of battling addictive
and compulsive behaviors.

Well, if that's the case,

were you able to get
an invitation out to her lover?

- Oh, please don't do this. Please.
- Did she mention that?

Did she mention that she's f*cking
a Mormon shopping mall developer?

Who I'm pretty sure might be the devil.

- I-I told you it was over.
- You told me nothing.

You told me nothing but lies.

You're angry. That makes sense.

But, for now,
I'm gonna ask that we keep our...

I'm trying to change.
That's what I'm doing here.

I'm trying to get better,
and I am getting better.

I'm... I'm owning up to my... my sh*t.
All of it.

And all of the things
that you're angry about…

- [SNIFFS] Mm-hmm. Mmm.
- …I did them, all of them.

But they're... they're...
They're not separate.

- It's connected. All of the work...
- I got it. I got it.

This is gonna be one of those
"my affair was a symptom" thing.

- No.
- [STAMMERS] You didn't do it.

- The disease did, right?
- That's not what I'm saying.

- That's not what I'm saying at all.
- Yeah, I don't care.

I... I... I'm...
I'm done being in your cheering section.

Sounds like you already
got plenty of that here anyway, so…

Yeah, good. You are working on you.
That must be nice.

It's not. It's work.
It's really hard work.

Yeah. Okay. I am gonna get out of here.

Got a pretty long drive ahead of me
and a big day tomorrow.

Job interview for the ACLU.

And not like soapbox work.
Like actual, like, real policy work.

Grunt work. Like, real work.

I'm glad to hear it.

Well, I'll let you know how it goes.
If you care or anything. [SIGHS]

[SHEILA] Well, look
at that. Almost there.

You might just make
it out of this place.

I'm happy for you. I really am.
But what's next?

[SNORES]

Your personal life is a flop.

That leaves more time
for the fitness business.

But what does that even look like now?

Are you gonna put out another video?

The Recovering Bulimic's Guide
to Health and Well-being?

Who's gonna want
anything to do with that?

You've got a lot of empty days to fill.

What are you gonna fill them with?

[RETCHING, COUGHING]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Couldn't sleep?

Uh, no. Not... Not feeling great.

Yeah, me neither.
I was a little thirsty, so…

Anyway, good night.

[SHEILA] Perfect. Just perfect.
She's a phony too.

Just like everyone here
kidding themselves.

Wait.

I'm sorry, I just... I...

I-I heard you.

Okay.

I'm not trying to bust you or anything.

I'm just telling you I... I heard.

This is crossing a boundary.

You're the resident. I'm the counselor.

[SIGHS] But, here we are.

I backslid. I don't feel great about it.

It wasn't my first time,
and it probably won't be my last.

Was this because of those awful things

- that I was saying about...
- Oh, no. No.

It wasn't you, sweetie, no.
No. You're not that powerful.

I could give you a million excuses.

But, you know, the truth is that
I still get pulled under sometimes.

All right? Recovery is a long road.

You disappointed?

No, I'm...

Yeah, a-a... a little.

I am too.

But tomorrow's another day.

Get some sleep, Sheila. Okay?

Good night.

[KNOCKING]

Hey. They told me to wait
in the lobby-type living room thing.

But I talked to this really lovely woman

and told her who I
was coming to pick up,

and then, um, she told me
where you were. So…

Anyway, hi.

You came. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, it's sort of my thing,
showing up.

I got the attendance
award in high school.

Super sexy. So…

- Do you, uh, need help with the bags?
- No, no. No, I'm good.

[SIGHS] I'm s... I'm sorry.

[STAMMERS] You were right.
It turns out. I do need help.

I did. I do. I still do. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Wait, we're not talking about
the bags, right?

- No.
- [GRETA] No. I know.

The whole mental health thing.
Yeah, just checking. Got it.

No, I can handle the suitcase,
but, um, the rest of it, I don't know.

- We'll see. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah. Yeah.

[SHEILA SIGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not sure I've got it in me anymore.

You know, the aerobics. The business.

Oh, come on now.

It just all might be too much for me.

Okay.

How can you say that?
How can you give up?

I don't know how to stand up there
and act like an expert

when I've still got so much
to figure out myself.

Um, you got some fan mail.

The folks at Stahl/Grunner sent it to me

when they thought
we were still working together.

Are we still working together?

Never mind. [CHUCKLES]
Lots to figure out.

That's nice. I got a letter?

Uh, it's more than one.

["A LITTLE RESPECT" PLAYING]

[FAN ] Dear Sheila,
this workout tape is the best.

[FAN ] Dear Sheila,
Body By Sheila is a lifesaver.

- I honestly don't know where I'd be…
- [FAN ] Dear Sheila, thank you.

Thank you for giving me my life back and

my health back and my confidence back.

I was recently laid up
after a health scare.

I was in such a…

[FAN ] Well, you should
because it's the absolute truth.

[FAN ] You changed my life.