02x09 - The Greatest Mother of Them All

[bunniefuu]

Another dazzling
day in Gotham City...

a metropolis which prides itself
on family fidelity, paternal devotion...

and most particularly, its annual
Mother of the Year presentation.

And so it gives me a
great deal of pleasure...

to present the winner of this
year's Mother of the Year Award.

Such a dear little lady.

Won't you say a few
words, Mother of the Year?

Why, Mrs. Chairlady, I'd
be happy to say a few words.

Stick them up!

Now, calm down.
Calm down, ladies.

I wanna introduce my boys.

Pretty Boy.

Machine g*n.

And Mad Dog.

- And now, ladies...
- Ma.

Oh, yeah, my fourth
child, a girl, Legs.

All right, boys, let's relieve
these ladies of a few extra pounds.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Thanks for letting me come along, Ma.

I don't know
whether I should've.

Girls just don't
belong in crime.

Ma, I'll prove myself.

Hand it over, fat lady.

I'm not fat. I'm not, I'm not.

The earrings.

Get the ring. The money, the
money in the purse. Go on, boys.

This is bad news, Chief O'Hara.

Ma Parker and her
boys in Gotham City.

Bad news, commissioner?

It's disaster.

They've terrorized almost
every other city in the country.

But they've never operated
in our fair metropolis before.

Now, there's been a
special reason for that, chief?

Yes, sir. We've got the finest law
enforcement organization there is.

Chief O'Hara, let's give credit
where credit is due, shall we?

I just did.

I mean Batman and Robin,
they're the ones she's always feared.

And you don't think she's
frightened of them anymore?

I wouldn't venture to guess...

but I do know it will take the
Dynamic Duo to end her career...

once and for all.

I'll call him, sir.

Gosh, Bruce, Greek
is still Greek to me.

It's Greek to a lot
of Greeks too. Heh.

It's one of the world's oldest, most
important, most beautiful languages.

It may be, Aunt Harriet...

but can't we take a breather and
work out in the gym for a while?

But the mind needs
exercise too, d*ck.

Well, my mind is
getting muscle-bound.

There's an old saying, d*ck.

A sound mind and a
sound body. A worthy goal.

Now, what do you wanna do first?

- Parse, conjugate, or decline?
- Decline.

- It's the Batphone, sir.
- Hm? Yes.

It just occurred to me, d*ck.

Commissioner Gordon
is a Greek scholar of note.

He may be able to tell us more
than books and blackboards.

I'd like to talk to him.

Excuse us, Aunt Harriet.

You know, Bruce comes
up with such bright ideas.

Indeed, madam, yes.

Yes, commissioner?

Batman, a crisis.

The infamous Ma Parker
has invaded our fair city.

We're on our way.

To the Batpoles.

Why?

This criminal
record is incredible.

How, gentlemen? How has
this Ma Parker remained at large?

She's crafty,
Batman. She's clever.

But most of all, she's motherly.

You mean toward her four sons?

Three sons and a
daughter, Batman.

The girl, if anything, is even
more dangerous than the boys.

Although Ma Parker
only likes boys.

In fact, she calls
every hoodlum her boy.

She's the greatest
mother of them all.

Surely, a woman with her
maternal instinct can't be all bad.

Don't let false sentiment
trap you, Batman.

Ma Parker may also be the
greatest menace of your career.

Holy rocking chair.

Gordon speaking.

What?

Yes. Fine.

The Gotham police have surrounded
their hideout on Cherry Blossom Road.

Ma Parker and her
family are inside.

Come on, Robin.

Let's help a little old
lady across the street...

and in to the penitentiary.

All right, Ma Parker,
we know you're in there.

We've got the house surrounded.

Hey, Ma, did you hear that?

You eat your vegetables, Machine
g*n, or you ain't gonna get no dessert.

Oh, Ma, I hate carrots.

They're good for your eyes, son,
you eat them, help you sh**t straight.

Hey, Mad Dog,
that's my grapefruit.

You want it? Take it.

Stop the horseplay, you two.

Ma Parker, you
haven't got a chance.

Surrender or we're
coming after you.

Ma, do you think they mean it?

You just eat your supper,
boys. I'll take care of them.

- We haven't got a chance.
- We have if we stand in the direct line of fire.

Ma Parker and her boys
are known as the worst sh*ts.

Yeah, maybe.

Here come the Cape Crusaders.

Well, well, guess who's paying
us a social call, Batman and Robin.

Just like I hoped.

Nincompoops, how many times I have to
tell you, Batman and Robin can't hurt us.

They can only help us.

Oh, gee, that's right.

I almost forgot.

Good old Ma.

You mean good old Dynamic Duo?

It's no use, Batman.

Ma Parker has an arsenal in there.
It would take an army to get her out.

Holy gunpowder,
Batman. What can we do?

Remember, Robin, they say
an army travels on its stomach.

- I get it, Batman. We crawl on the roof.
- Precisely, Robin.

This time, it won't be
necessary to use Batropes.

What's happening, Ma?

Batman and Robin are
climbing up the side of the house.

Where are they now, Ma?

Oh, they're crawling
along the drain pipe.

Boy, that was some meal, Ma.

Oh, they've reached the window.

Hey, Ma, what's for dessert?

Apple pie.

Oh, they're coming through it.

They sure are.

- Batman, look out for Ma Parker.
- This Batmagnet should do the trick.

Legs, clear the table.
Go get him, boys.

My babies.

My boys, my poor boys.

What have you done
to them, Batman?

Sorry, Ma Parker,
v*olence begets v*olence.

Oh, Pretty Boy, you're
bleeding. You're bleeding.

It's only ketchup.
A bottle fell on him.

Oh, Batman, please,
please don't hurt my boys.

The law will see to
their punishment, not I.

But, Batman, I'm only a
poor mother all alone...

trying to raise my little
brood the best I know how.

I didn't mean any harm.

I'm sure the law will deal
with you mercifully, Ma.

Oh, thank you, Batman.

I always knew that
you had a heart.

Look, Batman and
Robin have captured her.

Ohh.

Oh, don't sh**t, officers.

Don't sh**t this old gray head.

Why, she looks
like my own mother.

I never meant to harm anybody.

I'm just a poor mother
trying to get along.

Take that, you
sentimental fools.

Holy hairdo. She's
got a smoke b*mb.

Come on, children, come on.

Batman, they're getting away.

Not if I can help it.

One down, four to go, Robin.

There they go.

- Let's go after them, Batman.
- It's no use.

We couldn't even find the
Batmobile in this smoke.

At least we got
one of their g*ng.

We would've had them all if I
hadn't let my emotions lead me astray.

Mark my word.

I won't rest until Ma Parker and her
brood are in Gotham State Penitentiary.

Neither will Ma,
Batman. Ha-ha-ha!

I just programmed the
crime computer, Robin.

It contains the information
about Ma Parker and her activities.

Holy forecast, Batman.

- Can it really tell us where she'll strike next?
- Criminals invariably follow a pattern, Robin.

Remember Archer
and the way he worked.

I've designed this computer to
trace that pattern electronically.

You think of everything.

When fighting crime, even the most
minute detail must not be ignored.

Ah. There's the answer.

The crime computer points out that Ma Parker's
been robbing wealthy society gatherings.

The box office at
the horse show.

The Flower Guild Tea Dance.

A wedding reception at
the Gotham Plaza Hotel.

That may be interesting
and very valuable...

but how can we tell where
she's gonna strike next?

In my everyday role as Bruce Wayne,
I receive many invitations, Robin.

Today's social calendar includes the monthly
meeting of the Gotham Breakfast Club.

But that's a little early
even for Ma Parker.

There's the mayor's
luncheon for that visiting prince.

But that's too heavily guarded.

And there's a special society gathering, a
benefit at the Bijou Theater this afternoon.

It's been well publicized.

Now, that event may
attract a wealthier crowd.

Bingo. Maybe we
better catch that matinee.

Yes, Robin.

We're off to the movies.

Good work, boys. That
was a four-star performance.

Look, Ma.

Let's get out of here.

Sonny, would you give
a poor old lady a lift.

b*at it, Granny.

Why, is that any way for
you to talk to your elders?

Sorry, ma'am.

I've got a slight headache.

So now, I wanna pick up a pill.

Get in the back, kids.

- Okay, Caped Crusader, you got me.
- All right, let's see what's in that case.

- A violin.
- Yeah, Ma wants me to take lessons.

You'll have plenty of time
to practice in the penitentiary.

Everything is going great,
Ma. Just like you planned.

I told you to wear a sweater in the
air-conditioned theater, Mad Dog.

- Now you'll catch a cold.
- I'm okay, Ma.

That reminds me, I've gotta
send Pretty Boy's long underwear.

And some of my special
nutty cookies, huh?

I hear the food's
good in the pen, Ma.

Well, we're soon
gonna find out, huh?

We've scoured the city,
Batman, no sign of that truck.

There's one more place
we might try, Robin.

Remember what Ma Parker said before
she got away about a slight headache?

- You think she went to a drugstore?
- Perhaps, but not for a headache tablet.

May I suggest you
lock your car, sir.

Local police are asking all Gotham City-ites
to cooperate in their current campaign.

You might place this
sticker on your bumper.

All right, folks, come on.

Just keep filling up the
jar, it's for a worthy cause.

Come on, come on.

This is disgraceful.

Why should I give you my money?

Because we give you
trading stamps, dearie.

Come on, hand it over.

Looks like almost
three grand, Ma.

Well, well, you're good for
something even if you are a girl.

Aren't you glad Ma made
you study arithmetic?

I always say there's no
substitute for a good education.

Speaking of
arithmetic, Ma, look.

One and one makes two.

Her aim is not too good
if the target is moving.

Let's keep it moving.

Look out, Batman.

Holy greeting
cards. He's out cold.

You saved us, Batman.

Yes, but where is Ma Parker?

She got away while you were
catching that one. Thank you, Batman.

Thank you, Robin.

At least we're taking
her boys out of action.

Yes, but remember what
Commissioner Gordon said.

Ma Parker's girl is more
dangerous than her three boys.

Her legs sort of reminded
me of Catwoman's.

You're growing up, Robin.

Remember, in crime-fighting,
always keep your sights raised.

I don't like
admitting this, Robin.

But even the crime computer can't
tell us where Ma Parker's hideout is.

In this mechanized age, it's a wonder that more
machines don't get just as tired as people.

I mean, they have a
goof or two coming.

She has to be someplace,
and someplace in Gotham City...

where she can more or
less melt into the background.

Holy camouflage!

Exactly!

Now, where would an old lady go?

These days, just about anywhere. Look
at Aunt Harriet, the way she gets around.

But Ma Parker's different.

I suspect she'd be, at this point, making
a conventional and an orthodox move.

An old people's home is
conventional and orthodox.

But it's only for old people.

You're not only
growing up, Robin.

But you've just proved that the human brain
is the best thinking machine ever devised.

Gosh, maybe those Greek
lessons are helping after all.

And what could be more orthodox
than the Gotham City Old Folks Home...

on the outskirts of the city?

I know it's a needle
in a haystack.

It's a leap in the dark.

- Well, we leaped before, Batman.
- Let's go.

Here's a picture of Ma
Parker. Have you seen her?

Why, she looks
just like Mrs. Smith.

Then we found her.

But it couldn't be.
Mrs. Smith's an invalid.

- I'm sure she's not the one you want.
- Would you point her out?

Why, yes. She should be
coming down the corridor right now.

It sure is nice and
quiet, here. Isn't it, Ma?

So relaxed and pretty.

I don't think it's so
relaxed and pretty. Look.

- Look.
- It's Batman and Robin. I surrender.

Not yet. What a nincompoop.

- I knew I should never trust a girl.
- But, Ma...

How many times I have to tell
you, we can't make it look too easy.

Holy Wernher von Braun!
Look at that wheelchair go!

How is she gonna
get through the wall?

She didn't.

All right, all right.
Batman, I give up.

I knew it was a mistake
ever to come to Gotham City.

You're old enough to
know that crime doesn't pay.

Oh, you're a very
bright boy, sonny.

And also a very good boy.

You sure all this running
around is good for you?

And you think you get plenty
of rest and nourishment, huh?

Let's go, Ma Parker.

I can't help thinking
that something's wrong.

Sometime later at
Gotham State Penitentiary...

Congratulations,
Batman and Robin.

Once again, you put vicious
criminals where they belong.

The real work is only beginning,
commissioner. The work of rehabilitation.

- Isn't that right, Warden Crichton?
- I'm glad you see it that way, Batman.

You see, Ma Parker,
boys, you too, miss.

Our job at Gotham State
Penitentiary isn't to punish you.

It's to help you become
useful citizens again.

To make you understand
that crime really doesn't pay.

Oh.

Not in Gotham City anyway.
Thanks to the Dynamic Duo.

Why, half this prison is filled
with crooks they've caught.

That's right. The most notorious, the
most clever criminals are right here.

But even if they
were to escape...

we know that Batman and
Robin would bring them right back.

- We'd better be going, warden.
- Thank you again, Batman, Robin.

You've made me
proud of my profession.

Warden.

All right, guards,
take them to their cells.

Didn't you hear me? I said, take Ma Parker
and her children back to the cell block.

What's the matter with you?

What's going on around here?

I'll tell you what's going
on around here, warden.

We're taking over
your prison. Ha-ha-ha!

What?

I've been planning
this for months.

One by one, I've been substituting
members of my g*ng for your guards.

And now, the prison
belongs to us. Ha, ha.

Why, this is incredible.

I don't believe you.

Guards, help. Guards.

It's no use, warden. Ha, ha.

Ahh. So you wanted Batman
and Robin to capture you?

Sure thing.

Why, warden, we're gonna use
Gotham State Pen for our own purposes.

You said you got some of the
smartest crooks in the country right here.

And now, we got you here too.

You can't prevail.

Not with Batman
and Robin around.

What are you planning?

Why, warden, it's
already planned.

One of your trustees is taking
care of Batman right now.

Ha, ha. I was just looking at your
great Batmobile engine, Batman.

It does the job.

Warden says his car won't
do more than 70 on the road.

I bet you could do a hundred.

That's right, warden.

When the speedometer hits
60, the Batmobile blows up.