02x18 - Dizzoner the Penguin

[bunniefuu]

So far we have seen, outside the
Annual Gotham City Charity Luncheon...

a different kind of charity.

And a different kind of hero.

The Penguin.

Penguin, a civic-minded citizen?

Holy turnabouts,
something's fishy.

Mayor Lindseed, what was it?

Penguin for mayor?
He couldn't possibly win.

Oh, yes, he could.

Disaster for Gotham City.

Only one hope.

Batman for mayor.

The Penguin
campaign in high gear.

Penguin posters everywhere.

Batman discussed the issues
to sympathetic supporters...

while Penguin issued
champagne and other goodies.

The Caped Candidate
talked to the voters.

But these voters wanted
him out of the race.

Robin, a political liability.

Holy soap suds.

An acid bath that could
eat them clean to the bone.

And a deadly set of scales.

The waddling politico
arrives to quack.

Hang on for just
one searing minute.

In a few more seconds we're
gonna be in the soup, Batman.

It's all my fault, Robin.

I should have recognized those
g*ons as soon as I saw them.

Well, here goes.

Batman!

Batman!

- Batman, are you all right?
- Yes, thanks to Alfred.

Lucky he insisted on making these
new costumes out of acid-proof material.

Holy coffin nails, Batman,
you sure had me scared.

Just a second while I
dissolve these thongs.

Now to get you down from
there, then we'll get out of here.

Like them, Pengy?

Never mind the buttons, Lulu.

Batman is no longer with us.

As of now it's a one-man race.

- Then you should win it easily.
- Hwah, hwah, hwah.

That's very true.
Thank you. Thank you.

What?

Hwah?

Acid-proof costumes?

Faugh. Faugh them.

Well, he's not smear-proof.

And when I get through
with him on our TV debate...

even his own mother
won't vote for him.

This is ridiculous, Batman.

Debating the Penguin on television when
he tried to k*ll you not two hours ago.

Unfortunately we have no proof.

If I mention that, the Fair
Campaign Practices Committee...

would accuse me of
using smear tactics.

I certainly wouldn't want that.

You have to hold still, sir...

otherwise I shall be smearing
the makeup on your cowl.

Sorry, Alfred.

There. You should look quite
good under the lights now, sir.

How do you do,
ladies and gentlemen?

Station KGOM is
very happy and proud...

to bring you a debate between the candidates
who are running for mayor of Gotham City.

I believe the Penguin
will lead off the debate.

Friends and fellow citizens...

I wanna give you
my solemn word...

that there will be no
mud-slinging in this campaign...

unless, of course,
my opponent slings it.

But I intend to
stick to the issues.

Now, what are the issues?

There is only one: Batman.

Who is he?

Who is this acrobatic clown who
somersaults around Gotham City...

in that ridiculous costume?

I suggest that behind that
mask, Batman is in reality...

a dangerous criminal.

Why else does he wear a mask?

Why else does he
conceal his past?

Would you think about
that a moment, my friends?

Whenever you've seen
Batman, who is he with?

Criminals.

That's who.

You look in the old newspapers.

Every picture of Batman...

shows him with thugs and with
thieves and hobnobbing with crooks.

Whereas my pictures show
me always surrounded by whom?

By the police.

I am associate of the law.

Listen to those lies.

Oh, that Penguin, he's as
crooked as a warped shillelagh.

Now, which man do you
want to run Gotham City?

A man like myself, who is
always in the company of the law...

or a man like Batman...

who rubs elbows with the
worst elements of this city...

and who is undoubtedly a
desperate criminal himself?

Think about it without
rancor, and remember this:

No mud-slinging
in this campaign.

Yeah, Penguin, attaboy!

Thank you very much.

You bet.

And now we should have a few
words from the other candidate.

My fellow citizens...

let me begin by pointing
out some inconsistencies...

in both the logic and the substance
of Mr. Penguin's preceding remarks.

CHORUS: Vote
Penguin, yes, sirree

He's the vote for you and me
Clean up Gotham, one, two, three

What's going on?

This is your doing, you
waddling pat politician.

Tut-tut, Wonder Midget.

Can I help it if I have
enthusiastic fans?

Besides, now the voters
won't be bored to death...

by Batman's babble.
Hwah, hwah, hwah.

We interrupt this broadcast
for a special news flash.

The Gotham City Convention Hall,
containing $2 million worth of displays...

for the forthcoming
Jewelers Convention...

is being robbed by a g*ng of criminals
who have barricaded themselves inside...

Don't just stand there, get
down to Convention Hall.

Right, commissioner.

We better get right
down there, Robin.

Why, you two incompetents
will botch this job.

Citizen Penguin to the rescue.

This is Walter Klondike in the lobby
of Gotham City's Convention Hall...

where one of the greatest robberies
of all time is taking place right now.

The two candidates for mayor have just gone
inside to help subdue the cutthroat g*ng...

that has kept Gotham
City's police force at bay.

Oh, Chief O'Hara.

Well, chief, how does
it look to you now?

Grim, that's how it looks.

I only hope that Batman and
Robin get out of there alive.

- Mm. How about the Penguin?
- Him? Why, that...!

Thank you very
much, Chief O'Hara.

We now switch you to Chet
Chumley inside Convention Hall.

Come in, Chet.

Thank you, Walter.

This is Chet Chumley
inside Convention Hall.

From our post here high above the floor,
we can see the battle spread before us.

And Batman, Robin, and the Penguin
are struggling furiously with the thugs...

who are attempting to make off
with over a million dollars in jewels.

Well, not so fakey, you fink.

Not so real.

Well, that's all for Robin.

Just leaves the two candidates.

Uh, we switch now to David Dooley down
on the Convention floor. Come in, David.

Thank you, Chet. This is David
Dooley on the Convention floor.

I'll to maneuver over to Batman to see
if I can get him to say a few words to us.

Is there anything at all you'd like to
say to the television audience, Batman?

Of course, Batman,
a little bit later.

Thank you.

This is David Dooley
on the Convention floor.

I switch you back
now to Chet Chumley.

Take it away, Chet.

Thank you, David.

This is Chet Chumley high
above the Convention floor.

The battle is raging hot and
heavy below us. Wait a minute.

Batman got one.

Now it looks like the
Penguin is about to get one.

He did.

Score one more for the Penguin.

Well, it looks like the Penguin
is rolling up quite a lead.

But it's still a tight contest.

I think that, uh, David has maneuvered
over toward the Penguin now...

so we switch to the Convention floor
and David Dooley. Come in, David.

Thank you, Chet.

This is David Dooley
on the Convention floor.

I'm going to see now if we can get a
few words from the other candidate.

Is there anything you'd
like to say to our audience?

Though I'm very busy right
now, David, as you can see...

bringing law and order
back to Gotham City...

I always have a few
words to say to the voters...

even when my
own life is in danger.

Where's the camera?

Ladies and gentlemen,
friends of Gotham City...

you've seen both of
the candidates in action.

And you can decide yourself which of us
is better able to run this glorious city.

You seem to be putting more
thugs out of business than Batman.

- How do you explain that?
- Proves that I'm right.

Batman is in cahoots
with the criminal elements.

- He's got one foot in the underground.
- Thank you for your opinion, Penguin.

- Mr. Penguin.
- I'll teach you to defile our fair city.

Penguin.

- The Penguin.
- The Penguin.

What a man. What a man.

The Penguin has certainly
gained some political mileage today.

Batman, are you all right?

There were just too
many for me, Robin.

But somehow the Penguin was
knocking them down left and right.

That whole thing was a setup,
Batman. That waddling weasel planned it.

Perhaps, but I'm
afraid we can't prove it.

I guess nobody likes a loser.

Well, that's the story
from Convention Hall.

- Good night, David.
- Good night, Chet.

It's a black day
for Gotham City.

- I just talked to Gallus, Rooper and Trendek.
- How bad was it?

The latest polls show 65 percent
Penguin, 35 percent Batman.

That's gratitude for you.

After all that Batman
has done for our citizens.

I think you underestimate the
good citizens of Gotham City, chief.

But look at the poll, Batman.

Elections are not won
by polls, commissioner.

They're won by votes,
at least in this country.

Sixty-five percent is
a big margin, Batman.

I know it looks grim, Robin...

but I wouldn't throw in the
towel until the votes are counted.

Uh, the first returns
should be coming in now.

This is Walter Klondike.

The first returns on the mayor's
election have just come in.

As usual, the northeastern
precincts are reporting earliest.

And the tally from the northeast
gives the Penguin 12,5 74...

and Batman 9682.

- Hello?
- Hello, commissioner.

This is the next mayor
of Gotham City speaking.

What? Who is this?

No, I just wanted to tell you
not to worry about your job.

See, I'm appointing the Riddler
new commissioner of police...

and he's promised to
give you back your old job.

Why, you pompous...

Oh, that's pounding the
b*at on the waterfront.

Why, you...

- Listen, you malignant...
- Oh, tut-tut. No harsh words, please.

Commissioner, I'll put you
in charge of cleaning sewers.

- How dare you?
- And you tell that Irish stooge of yours...

that his next job will be shining
the shoes of the new police chief:

The Joker.

Terrible thing is, in a few short
hours, that mangy bird may be my boss.

Here's a new development,
ladies and gentlemen.

Although the eastern precincts
went heavily for the Penguin...

the middle and western precincts
show a very strong Batman trend.

Western precincts?

Batman is probably
getting the Indian vote.

Penguin's lead has narrowed to a
few thousand, and continues to shrink.

This election may still have
some few surprises in it.

You three blow-hards
told me I couldn't lose.

- What's happening?
- The X factor.

Random sampling error.

Well, you better pray
that my lead holds...

or you'll be taking random samplings
of river water from the bottom.

- It's too good to be true.
- Shh. The returns.

Here are the latest reports.

The Batman trend is continuing.

The western precincts
have gone solidly for Batman.

The Caped Candidate is now to
within 1000 votes of the Penguin.

You were the only one who really
had faith in the voters, Batman.

- I'm ashamed of myself.
- We're all ashamed, Batman.

We were ready to desert the
ship, you never lost your courage.

You brought us safely through.

I never would've believed
that the polls could be wrong.

There have been other candidates
who have trusted too much to the polls.

And they found out that
it's the votes that count.

Smart politicians trust
the voters, not the polls.

After all, if you can't trust the
voters, whom can you trust?

Gotta win this election
by hook or by crook.

At least you have
choices, Pengy.

If you don't have a board of
electors, you can't count the votes.

And if you can't count the votes,
you can't announce the winner.

That’s real sharp thinking.

So hang the polls
and hang the pollsters.

I told you not to count those
hobos down at the freight yards.

What about the two sword swallowers
and the lady wrestler you turned in?

Nobody will ever
listen to us again.

Don't worry, we can always
get a job rating TV Shows.

- Ha, ha. We're going to win.
- Saints be praised.

You certainly taught me a few
things about politics, Batman.

Hello? Oh, just a minute.

- For you.
- Hello?

The law says that the
votes must be counted...

only by a duly appointed
Board of Elections, Batman.

And it so happens that I have the
Board of Elections right here with me.

All three of them.

And unless the city council
meets within one half an hour...

and proclaims me
mayor of Gotham City...

they will be counting
the votes in a morgue.

You forget about the
Bat-trace of Batman.

I'm not gonna be on the phone
long enough to let you trace the call.

Goodbye.

The Penguin has kidnapped the
Board of Elections, Mayor Lindseed.

Holy potluck.

No, Robin, not at all.

Even the Penguin
hasn't unlimited funds.

I suspect the campaign has
severely depleted his resources...

and he's holding his hostages in the
headquarters of that venerable organization...

the Grand Order of
Occidental Nighthawks.

Let's go.

The half hour's up, and
nothing from Batman.

I think my little grandstand
play has turned the tide.

Turn the TV on again, Lulu.

While we watch ex-mayor
Hayseed or whatever his name is...

proclaim me mayor.

Oh, I am gonna
wring the city dry.

I'm gonna pick the bones of Gotham
City and throw the carcass to the finks.

Aren't you being a little
premature, Penguin?

How'd you find this place?

You goofed, that's how.

And no good mayor ever goofs.

Particularly when he
hasn't even been elected yet.

But I have the Board of Elections here.
They can't have counted any more votes.

They didn't need to.

This is some sort of
a trick, that's what it is.

Some sort of a low, scurvy,
underhanded, political sort of a trick.

I'll have you reported to the Fair
Campaign Practices Committee.

No, Pengy.

You said we associated
with criminals.

So here we are.

att*ck.

I thought you bought the machine to
turn out your campaign literature, Pengy.

Look what it's turning out now.

I see it. And
it's not literature.

I'm getting out of here
before they package me.

- You'd better too.
- No.

Batman wouldn't dare touch me.

Think what it would
do to his public image.

Remember, remember, I'm a
candidate for the mayor of Gotham City.

You lay hands on me, and
I'll have the voters after you.

Keep your distance.
Keep your distance, I say.

Keep your distance.

I think it's time for us
to wrap up the election.

I take it you mean
wrap up the candidate.

Oh, exactly.

Aah! Blast it, I'm a
political candidate!

Hwah, hwah, hwah.

In case you're
interested, Penguin...

Batman won the election
by an overwhelming margin.

The votes were already counted
when you kidnapped the Board.

Faugh, it's a fraud, I say.

I demand a recount.

Don't worry, you'll have
another chance soon.

The Convicts Committee for
Clean Prison Government...

is having an election next week.

You should arrive just in
time to run for chairman.

And if you need any
endorsements, uh, just let us know.

Hwah, hwah, hwah.

I demand my constitutional
rights. Hwah, hwah.

Now that I've resigned in
favor of Mayor Lindseed...

Gotham City will be back in
good hands for another four years.

And if nothing else, Robin
got a good lesson in civics.

Oh, I had enough
experience to last me forever.

You can never have too much
experience in politics, Robin...

as many politicians
have discovered.

Yes?

Why, yes, he's right here.

- Batman, for you.
- Thank you.

Batman.

Thank you very much.

I'm flattered that your committee
should be interested in me...

as a presidential
candidate for 1968...

but I'm afraid my Gotham
City duties take precedence.

Yes, I will definitely let you
know if I change my mind.

Well.

Bulging ballot boxes,
Batman, that was some offer.

And you ain't even
a general, Batman.

Anyway, it was
nice of them to call.

Yes?

Hold on, just a moment.

Batman, another call.

Yes, Batman.

I'm flattered, gentlemen...

but I thought your party
had a candidate for 1968.

Next week Mr. Freeze returns.