02x30 - The Bat's Kow Tow

[bunniefuu]

When last we left
our brave boys...

they were encased by Catwoman
in a giant echo chamber...

where the drip-drip-drop of a
faucet was magnified 10 million times.

If they don't find
some solution...

their magnificent minds
will be reduced to oatmeal...

thereby rendering them
useless for a great many things.

Stay glued to your seat.
The worst is yet to come.

Robin.

Every room has its
sympathetic vibration.

A note that will shatter glass like
the great Caruso did with his voice.

The note for this room should
be F-sharp above high C.

Wow.

- I think I'll be hard of hearing for a while.
- What?

I said, "Wow, I think I'll be
hard of hearing for a while."

You'll have to speak
a little louder, Robin.

I think I'll be hard of
hearing for a while.

Whew.

- Robin.
- No, Belgoody.

Call Chief O'Hara and have
him pick this bounder up.

Right, Batman.

All right, Belgoody,
tell me everything.

Every...? Well, I was born in
Youngstown of poor but honest parents.

Come off it, Belgoody.
You're pulling my boot.

- What's Catwoman's plan?
- Hm-hm.

You're too late, Batman. You're too late.
Because right at this very moment in history...

Catwoman is stealing the voices of
Chad and Jeremy at the Policeman's Ball.

Their voices?

So that's it.

What a fiendish plan.

Chief O'Hara and his
men will be right over.

We must get to Gotham City
Town Hall immediately, Robin.

Let's tie him up quickly.

And at Gotham City Town
Hall on the other side of town...

the joint is really jumping.

And now here they are, the
music world's dynamic duo...

Chad and Jeremy.

Sweet, soft summer nights

Dancing shadows

Are your see-in-the-dark glasses
in order, Meanie, Miney, Moe?

- You bet.
- They sure are.

Ready to go.

You came

For me to follow

And we kissed

On distant shores

Long, quiet hours of play

Sounds of tomorrow

Let's get them.

Love came

You said they couldn't
get away, Catwoman.

And yet they did.
And so will we.

I can't see, Batman.

Neither can I, Robin. But
then again, neither can they.

Oh, yes, we can.

Cats can always see in the
dark, especially with these glasses.

Ha-ha-ha! Come on, kittens.

We've done it!

- Let's go after them, Batman.
- No, Robin. I'm afraid it's too late.

We must stay here
and restore order.

With 5000 screaming teenagers,
someone is liable to get hurt.

Citizens. Citizens.

Hi, kids.

And on the following morning...

two special guests appear on
the Allan Stevens television show.

- Now, you were saying...
- As I was saying, America must have faith...

that the law will recover the
voices of Chad and Jeremy.

I understand millions of the world's teenagers
are in mourning since last night's tragedy.

Yes, that's quite
true, Mr. Stevens.

But on the plus side, millions
of parents are delighted.

Speaking as an average, ordinary,
red-blooded, typical American teenager...

this is one of the worst things
that could have happened.

Fans, you have our assurance
that Catwoman will be captured...

and that the voices of Chad
and Jeremy will be restored...

before another sun
sets on Gotham City.

The sun also
rises, smarty-tights.

Keep the audience covered. If anyone
moves, hit them with a sonic beam blast.

- Crush them, Batman.
- Hold it, Robin.

They appear to be desperate.
They might fire on the audience.

You bet your baby
blue eyes we would.

We'll continue with this tense
scene in just a moment, but first...

And now, right back
to you, Catwoman.

What is it you want, Catwoman?

Eight million pounds for
the return of their voices.

Eight million pounds
of what? Chicken fat?

Sorry I asked.

It comes to a grand total of
22,400,000 American dollars...

and I want it fast.

How do we know you really have
their voices and will return them?

Sweet, soft summer nights

But that's impossible.

Nobody will pay that much
money for those voices.

England will.

Because England swings
like a pendulum do. Or does.

England?

Of all the preposterous plans.

You can't hold up
an entire country.

Wanna bet?

Chad and Jeremy pay so much income tax to
their native land, that if it were to stop...

the whole empire might crumble and
the British pound would be deflated.

And once that happens...

the entire economic structure
of the world would collapse.

- How dastardly.
- All right, you've heard my deal.

You got until tomorrow noon
to come up with the scratch.

If not, I'll turn my voice-eraser
loose on everyone.

Now, just a darn minute here.
You can't come in here and thre...

Come on, kittens.

Let's shake a paw.

The sneeze b*mb ought
to keep you busy for a while.

Ah. Batman and Robin.

Ah, welcome to my humble office.

I am Sir Sterling
Habits. How do you do?

And how do you do? Heh.

And what brings you here at
such an early hour of the morning?

By this time, you're aware of the serious tragedy
affecting your country's most popular export.

Have we stopped making
those small sports cars?

We're referring to
Chad and Jeremy.

Oh, yes, those blighters. Hm.

Can't understand
a word they say.

Why can't the
English learn to speak?

Have you consulted your government
about the ransom demands?

Oh, yes, indeed. Parliament
has been overtime on it.

- And?
- Well...

I'm expecting a telephone call
from them at any moment now.

Hello?

Oh, Harold.

How are you?

Yes. Uh-huh, quite.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

You're quite sure?

Ah, hm.

Well, thank you very
much indeed. Pip-pip.

Well, that was them,
or should I say "they."

Well, it doesn't matter anyhow.

They will not accede to
Catwoman's demands.

Their feelings about Chad and
Jeremy are: millions for their records...

not a cent for their ransom.

- Yes. Well, thank you, Sir Sterling.
- Not at all.

Yes, what is it, Rhett?

Begging your pardon, sir, but a large crowd
have gathered outside the consulate...

having heard the
Dynamic Duo are here.

I fear at this moment, time's too
precious to spend with our admirers.

We must get cracking.

I... I'm afraid they have
all entrances covered, sir.

To the window, Robin.
Cheerio, Sir Sterling.

Don Ho, what are you doing here?

Well, I came back to get some
land we lost back in Hawaii.

And to do a little singing
here in Gotham City, I hope.

Well, I brought my most
important prop along.

It's gotten me as far as your
Batropes have gotten you.

Yeah, I think I'll introduce
Batropes in Hawaii.

Pick coconuts
more easy that way.

I'd like to sit here and chat
with you all day, Don, but...

The surf's coming up and
we gotta catch a big one.

Okay, fellas, I
understand. Aloha.

Aloha.

All of our men are out
there in the field, Batman...

but they're not making
a bit of headway.

Poor Commissioner Gordon
is still without his voice.

I think she's got us licked.

The game is never over
until the last out is made, chief.

Never say die.

We've had some dark
moments in the past, haven't we?

- Yes, I know, but this...
- Fear not.

The criminal always makes
one mistake. I'm sure she did too.

There's no such thing
as the perfect crime.

Well, I, for one, can't think
of a single mistake she made.

She even had the
audacity to phone me...

right here in Commissioner
Gordon's office this morning.

- You remember anything she said, chief?
- Better than that.

I tape-recorded most
of the conversation.

Sound thinking.

- Holy resourcefulness.
- I couldn't have put it better myself, Robin.

It's no wonder you've risen to the
top of your department, Chief O'Hara.

Chiefy, what I want is money.

You got four hours before I start
using my voice-eraser on everyone.

Today Gotham City,
tomorrow the world.

The gall of that woman.

Do you mind if I take this with
me, Commissioner Gordon?

"Not at all. But why?"

I heard a strange
noise in the background.

We might just be able to identify
it on the Bat-sound Analyzer.

Courage. We'll have your voice back
before you can say "Jack Robinson."

Come on, Robin.
There's not much time.

Think it'll work, Batman?

It has to work, Robin.
The world's at stake.

This will determine if that
sound in the background...

is something
unique and traceable.

- Batman, there's something I don't understand.
- Yes?

I realize that losing the power
of speech is an awful thing...

but why do you feel that
the whole world's at stake?

Simple.

- If we couldn't talk, there'd be no telephones.
- Oh.

You see, there are millions of people
who use telephones in business every day.

Now they'd have to meet
their clients face-to-face.

Oh.

That would cause
enormous traffic problems.

Further, all the people who work
for the world's phone companies...

would lose their jobs.

There'd be no such thing as radio,
television and movies would go silent.

- Oh.
- There's a whole host of ramifications.

And Catwoman can do all that?

If we let her.

Now let's see what that
noise in the background is.

"Three hair dryers."

Hair dryers?

If I remember
correctly, Robin...

there are over 2000 beauty
salons in Gotham City.

There's just not
enough time, unless...

Unless what, Batman?

Unless the effects of the
voice-eraser wear off after a while.

If that's true, Robin, we
don't have to worry at all.

- Gosh, Batman, I hope so.
- You go topside, Robin...

and see if Chad and Jeremy have
recovered their voices. I'll push on here.

Aye, aye, sir.

- Any luck, Alfred?
- I'm afraid not, Master d*ck.

Your aunt and I have tried
every remedy we can think of...

but, uh, it appears that Chad and
Jeremy may well have been stilled forever.

It may not be long before we're all in the
same condition. There must be some way out.

What is it, Alfred?

It seems that they want to
go out to get their hair done.

Boy, I thought I'd
heard everything.

Yes. To Mr. Oceanbring's
on Pickford Street.

Mr. Oceanbring's?

The world-famous
men's hairstylist?

It's the latest
rage, Master d*ck.

Almost every rock 'n' roll star goes to
have his hair coiffed by Mr. Oceanbring.

Are there hair dryers
at Mr. Oceanbring's?

Thanks.

Well, what in the world
could he have meant by that?

Well, madam, um...

apparently something about the
hair dryers at Mr. Oceanbring's...

seemed particularly
attractive to... Uh...

Yes.

One day without the power to speak and
the whole world will be at our knees. Ha.

Then they'll pay anything
to get their voices back. Ha.

Being an honorable crook...

I'd let them off the hook
for a measly $22,400,000.

- We should have finished off Batman.
- And Robin.

When we had the chance.

Oh, I couldn't bring
myself to do it, boys.

Even though I don't care very
much for that Boy Wonder...

Batman did save my
life once. I owe him that.

If we do steal everyone's voices, how do
we give them back after we get paid off?

Ah.

With this devilishly
clever little formula.

Easily compounded of sweet basil, garlic,
salt and goat's milk in the right proportion.

Twelve noon.

Time to make the call.

Quentin 3-3700.

Sorry, wrong number, Catwoman.

Batman.

Batman, whyfor art
thou doing this to me?

It's my job, Catwoman.

I am sworn to uphold the law.

But if you'd just come down off
your high horse for a moment...

we could make such
beautiful music together.

You'll play a different tune when we're
through, and all the notes will be sour.

Party pooper. Teenagers
should be seen and not heard.

All right, men, destroy
the Dynamic Duo.

Watch the antiques.

Gentle with Batman, boys.

Stay until Chief O'Hara
arrives and guard them.

Someone let Catwoman out of
the bag. I can't let her get away now.

The sonic beam in this g*n can slice like
a hot Kn*fe through the high-priced spread.

Ah, but I've reached an impasse.

Shall I steal your
voice or end your life?

Whichever you decide, I'm
sure it'll be the wrong choice.

You have a pretty sharp tongue for a man
about to say goodbye to this world, Batman.

Beg. Beg for your
mortal existence.

I'd rather die than beg for
such a small favor as my life.

What are you waiting for?

Can't you see how I
feel about you, Batman?

How I want you by my side.

It won't work, Catwoman.

If you're going to k*ll me, you
might as well get it over with.

I can't k*ll the only
man that I've...

Don't worry, Catwoman.

You wouldn't have k*lled me
even though you sh*t the g*n.

The Anti Bat-sonic device in my Utility
Belt would have deflected the beam.

Ha-ha. Well, it was a
good plot while it lasted.

Yes, Catwoman,
one of your very best.

Thank you.

But still the problem remains.
How do we undo what you did?

- The stolen voices?
- Yes.

Oh, well, you just, uh, have them all
spray their throats with the atomizer.

- Get them back to normal in seconds. Heh.
- Amazing.

Hm. Uh, you see, my voice-eraser
electronically loosened their vocal chords...

and, uh, just have them spray it and it'll,
uh, tighten them right back up again.

- Amazing.
- Mm.

Batman, when I get out of
jail, will you take me on a date?

Well, I have plenty of time to
think about that, Catwoman.

Several years, I'm afraid.

If I were to kiss you, would
you think I was a bad girl?

But, uh... No.

No, of course not, Catwoman.

Kissing is one of the most
natural things in the world.

Uh, some people kiss
almost every day, I'm told.

Well...

Come on, Batman.
The police are here.

Boy Blunder.

Catwoman, may I take
a rain check on that kiss?

Certainly, Batman.

Anytime.

Holy mush.

Went up to my boss today

I said, "Hey, man,
can I have more pay?"

I said, "Will,
you, please, sir?"

He took one look at me and then

He said, "If you ask
me that again I'll k*ll you"

Aren't they great, Alfred?

Well, they certainly
do sway, don't they?

- Very hep, Alfred.
- It's "hip," Aunt Harriet. They changed it.

It's just to do and die, I know

But even so It
seems that the world

Has passed me over

Same sort of thing With
the birds in this town

I pick 'em up They put me down

Still you can't complain much

If I had a fancy car

Mercedes or a Jaguar

I'd thrill her

Well, Bruce Wayne.

Commissioner, nice to
hear your voice again.

Do I have to cry?

Ours not to reason why, I know

It's just to do and die, I know

But even so It
seems that the world

Has passed me over

My, uh, grandchildren insisted that I
come and hear their Chad and Jeremy.

A bit on the groovy
side, aren't they?

Every era has its own
music, commissioner...

its own art, its own
manner of speech.

Of course, the essence
of progress is change.

A point well taken, Mrs. Cooper.

But there's one pair in the public eye which I
pray will never suffer the stigma of antiquity.

Batman and Robin, commissioner?

You took the words right
out of my mouth, Mrs. Cooper.

It's just to do and die, I know

But even so It
seems that the world

Has passed me over