02x34 - The Catwoman Goeth

[bunniefuu]

When we last left
the Dynamic Duo...

Sandman, that notorious European
criminal recently arrived in Gotham City...

was preparing to
deliver a sleeping Robin...

into Catwoman's clutches.

While Batman was
tied to a mattress...

above which the wicked needle
of a button-stitching device...

was bearing down on him.

For you, of course,
some time has passed.

For the Caped
Crusaders, mere seconds.

The kid's waking up, Sandman.

Yeah, prepare the patient for a brief
stethoscopic examination, Snooze.

- Where's Batman? What have you done to him?
- I? Ha-ha-ha.

It was you who did
it, Caped c*ptive.

At my command, you pressed the switch
which should have disposed of him by now.

How ironic. Batman
button-stitched to death by Robin.

You fiendish quack.

To the medical eye,
such childish claptrap...

means only one thing, young
man, you need some sleep.

Well, we've liquidated Batman...

and Catwoman has her own
little plan for Robin's demise.

A day's dirty work well done.

- Take him out to the Batmobile.
- The Batmobile, Sandman?

It's parked out in front.

After I take him to the Catlair, I
shall dispose of the Batmobile...

then I'm sure J. Pauline Spaghetti
will be phoning frantically...

for another penthouse
call from Dr. Somnambula.

Asleep? Lovely.

Lovely.

- What happened to Batman?
- Tell her.

He's dead.

Are you sure?

I pushed the switch
that k*lled him.

Then you have a new
assistant, Catwoman.

Only as long as
he remains asleep.

Kitty, you know
where to take him.

Follow me, Robin.

I'll join you shortly.

I'm sure you'll find your
next adventure most amazing.

Did your emphasis on "amazing"
have any particular significance?

A play on words, Sandman.

How did things go with
J. Pauline Spaghetti?

It shouldn't be long before her entire
fortune is in my control, Catwoman.

Your control?

Our control.

Now I must find someplace
to abandon the Batmobile...

and then return to J.
Pauline's penthouse.

For such a highly
respected criminal...

there's something insidiously
untrustworthy about Sandman.

Whereas he has only one life, I
wonder if he realizes that a cat has nine.

With Batman and Robin out
of the way, all I have to do...

is to put J. Pauline Spaghetti to sleep again
and purloin that billion-dollar fortune.

Purloin seems to be more of
a Catwoman word, Sandman.

Never fear, in this
Somnambulistic scheme...

I, Sandman, will have the last word,
which will be the word that counts.

What do we have here...

in the depths of the
newly-renovated catacombs?

A maze?

What's this?

Still asleep, Boy Wonder?

I think he's waking up a little.

Creep out softly, Kitty.

Where am I?

On the threshold of my maze.

An enlarged
version of the type...

in which scientific experiments
are carried out on rats and mice.

You will notice that the
entrance is here, the exit here...

directly adjoining.

However, once
you start into it...

it may take you the rest of your
life before you get out of it, if then.

Somewhere within the place, my
traitorous cat servant Catarina...

is hopelessly wandering. Ha, ha.

Unless she's found the center of the
maze. In that case, she'll never return.

- Ready?
- No, I'm not going into that maze.

I'm wide awake now and I...

This Catamizer contains deadly
catasonic acid, Boy Wonder.

Which do you prefer?

Taking a chance on getting out of
the maze in an hour, a week, a year...

or being catalyzed here
in a matter of seconds?

Hmm?

Holy voltage!

Set adrift...

without the Boy Wonder
or the Batmobile...

Batman courageously presses on.

Commissioner Gordon,
I know Robin too well...

to believe he'd ever betray
me and embrace a life of crime.

I'm certain Sandman has
turned him into a sleepwalker.

We must make every effort to
find him. I'll put every man behind it.

No, commissioner, I'll
find him and Sandman.

But in the meantime, J. Pauline
Spaghetti must have maximum protection.

- The billionaire noodle queen?
- I'll explain later.

Meanwhile, station all men you have
available in and around her penthouse suite.

And above all, don't let her
see a certain Dr. Somnambula.

Dr. Somnambula?

I must get to the Batcave
as fast as possible.

Let me send a police car.

A needless waste of
taxpayers' money, commissioner.

Gotham City's transit line
is the world's most rapid.

Dr. Somnambula.

Isn't that the name that phony
Sleeping Beauty mentioned on television?

Yes, Chief O'Hara.

And with Robin kidnapped,
the Batmobile missing...

J. Pauline Spaghetti
somehow in dire danger...

and both Catwoman and
Sandman deeply involved...

I've never said this before, Chief
O'Hara, but for once, it looks as if...

our side has fumbled the ball.

Oh!

You gave me quite a start,
sir. I didn't hear the Batmobile.

I took the subway to Wayne
Station and Batwalked up the road.

You... But what happened?
Where is Master Robin?

Both of them are still in the clutches of
that scheming sleepy hood, Sandman...

who barely missed making
a mattress out of me.

If I may, sir.

Sometimes I can't
help wondering if...

If the hazards of crime-fighting
are really worth the goal.

That, Alfred, has
never entered my mind.

Perhaps the Batmobile Tracking
Graph can be of some help to us now.

Let's just hope that wherever
the Batmobile is, Robin is.

Aha. Good.

The Batmobile is still
transmitting its location signal.

Strange.

It seems to be passing
through a run-down factory area.

It won't be found too soon
in this run-down factory area.

- What about Nap?
- He's right behind us in the pickup truck.

It stopped. I know that
section of the city well.

Derwin Alley. It's surrounded
by run-down factories.

Perhaps a call to
Commissioner Gordon, sir?

No, Alfred, the Batmobile
is my personal responsibility.

And who knows what might
have happened to Robin?

But there's no subway station
in that vicinity, nor a bus line.

I could drive you down in
the Wayne limousine, sir.

I couldn't drive the Batmobile
back as Bruce Wayne, Alfred.

No. No, you couldn't.

Let me take you in
on the Alf-cycle, sir.

I don't think we shall
attract much attention.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Yes. A wise solution.

That's funny, that looks
just like the Batmobile.

All the new cars
look alike this year.

Maybe they all look alike
to a rookie cop, Reggie...

but when you've been on the force
longer, you'll see some difference.

Registered to a guy
named Batman, all right.

With no street address.

And he left the
keys in the ignition.

Two traffic violations right
there. Vehicle code numbers...

It's not like Batman to do that.

Here we are, sir.

- Thank you for the lift, citizen.
- The least I could do, sir.

Good work, officers. I
see you've found my car.

Your car, bub?

Got any identification?

Reggie, this is Batman.
I can vouch for it.

Then you know your registration is incomplete
and you left your keys in the ignition.

The Batmobile was stolen. No doubt the
thief didn't wanna get caught with the keys.

Did you report it as stolen?

- Not exactly. REGGIE:
That's another violation.

- Vehicle code number...
- Reggie, will you get off it?

He's got pull with
Gordon and O'Hara.

Correction. I try to cooperate
with the police of Gotham City.

I say impound the
car and run him in.

If you think that's
your duty, officers.

Let's get to work.

Here's your keys, Batman.

Thank you, officers. I'll
correct the oversights.

Did either of you see Robin
when you found the Batmobile?

- Who's Robin?
- Oh, you've really got a lot to learn, Reggie.

Robin.

Robin? Batman to Robin.

But deep in the labyrinth
of Catwoman's maze...

Robin, lost and confused,
doesn't know Batman is still alive.

And also, finds he's joined
Policewoman Mooney...

in the inescapable center
of Catwoman's torturous trap.

Robin. Boy Wonder, what are
you doing in the center of this maze?

It's a long story. Who
are you? Catarina?

Also, Policewoman
Mooney. Where's Batman?

I'm afraid it's over for
the Caped Crusader.

And for me.

- And for you too.
- No.

- We got in here and there must be a way out.
- None, Robin. None.

Holy rat trap!

Purr-cisely, Boy
Wonder, for both of you.

And then when he gets his hands
on the Spaghetti billions, for Sandman.

A patrol car in
Derwin Alley, Batman?

That must have been
Officers Hogan and Dietrick.

A credit to your
department, commissioner.

One of them pointed out three
traffic violations on my part.

I trust he didn't give
you a ticket, Batman.

The other one talked him out of it.
Rather unusual police procedure...

but under the circumstances...

What are the circumstances?
Have you found Robin?

No, nor Sandman either.

Do you know if he's tried to
see J. Pauline Spaghetti again?

Chief O'Hara is over there right now
with all the men that we can spare.

Hold on a minute, Batman. That may
be him on my private phone right now.

Yes?

What?

But how could Sandman walk into
J. Pauline Spaghetti's penthouse...

and spirit her out
from under your nose?

She said he was her savior
and demanded we let him in.

It's hard keeping saviors
out, commissioner.

And then he looked at me and me
men, said we seemed a little peaked...

and the first thing I knew,
he had this stethoscope...

What...? Hold on a minute,
chief. Commissioner Gordon.

This is Tuthill, commissioner.
Gotham City Security Trust.

Yes, Mr. Tuthill?

I'm sorry to bother you, but if
you happen to hear from Batman...

It just so happens he's holding
on another telephone now. Why?

A certain Dr. Somnambula...

Dr. Somnambula?

Yes, Dr. Somnambula
just told me...

Batman might like to know
Catwoman's address, which he gave me.

Uh, it's "Catacombs Condominium,
Subterranean Suite 6."

What...? What did he
want to see you about?

He came into the bank an hour
or so ago with J. Pauline Spaghetti.

- What for?
- It's rather sweet, really.

It seems the billionaire noodle
queen and her doctor are eloping.

She cashed a counter check for
200 million just to see them through.

Eloping? Where?

They happened to mention
J. Pauline Spaghetti Island.

Sentimental, isn't it? The
site of her first noodle factory.

It's grand larceny,
that's what it is.

Not to mention fraud, swindle...

extortion, and a
vicious and sinister plot.

O'Hara. O'Hara. Get back
over here on the double.

- Still there, Batman?
- Yes, commissioner.

Brace yourself.

How do I know this isn't
some kind of trick, Batman?

It's no trick,
Catwoman. It's the truth.

How else would I have learned
the location of your Catlair?

Sandman eloping with
J. Pauline Spaghetti?

And all those beautiful billions I
suspect you wanted to get your paws on.

But there is one way he might be
stopped if I can count on your help.

You can count on
me for anything.

To get even with that
two-faced continental traitor.

Where's Robin?

Who?

Robin.

Sandman said that he
delivered him here to you...

as a little souvenir
of a quilting bee.

Oh, Robin. Ha, ha.

Ah, tsk, tsk, tsk.

- Where is he, Catwoman?
- Oh, you're so strong and forceful, Batman.

- And determined.
- Mm.

If I can find Robin, we can go
to J. Pauline Spaghetti Island...

Your mouth is handsome
when you're angry...

and your eyes are so flashing...

under that mask.

Where is he, Catwoman?

And if I purr, so to speak?

I'll testify that you cooperated,
the rest is up to the court.

Ah.

- Kitty, take Batman to my maze.
- Maze?

You'll find Robin in the center
of it, if you find the center of it.

Also that cunning cat servant, Catarina,
otherwise known as Policewoman Mooney.

- This way, Batman.
- After you.

Cattie.

Pack at once. We're catching
the first plane to the Canary Islands.

You just missed that
plane, Catwoman.

How did you get in here?

Wherever there's a cat, Catwoman,
there's usually a back alley.

For the last time,
what do we have here?

Batman in and out of Catwoman's
amazing maze in no time...

back in the
Batmobile with Robin.

And away like dynamic flashes...

to the Batboat...

and J. Pauline Spaghetti Island.

You mean this is where it
all began, my dear J. Pauline?

Oh, doctor dear, no.

It started in a little shack on
the other side of the island.

I used to raise my
own wheat outside.

Actually, this is
where it all ended.

Or at least my first
husband ended here.

Your first husband?

Yes, J. Peter Spaghetti.

He fell into a kneading machine.

And my second husband,
J. Phineas Spaghetti...

he dried to death
on a vermicelli tray.

And my third husband,
J. Patrick Spaghetti...

- cut.
- Cut?

You know those revolving knives
that cut noodles into bite-size pieces?

And J. Paul Spaghetti...

he stumbled into
a steam cylinder.

He expanded to
three times his size.

Not a bit pasty.

Who is this for?

Ah, heh. Oh, doctor dear, a
wise woman must look ahead.

Oh, this factory holds so
many memories for me...

that's why I wanted
to be married here.

I'm so glad that you
brought the witnesses along.

I wonder what's happened
to the minister I called.

He probably stumbled
into something.

Shouldn't you lie down and
rest before the ceremony?

Oh, for my fifth wedding day?

Oh, no. I don't mind
staying awake for that.

Sandman.

Look, the living mattress.

You two again?

Intruding as usual.

Yes, Sandman. This
little sleepwalk is over.

Pardon me, dear lady.

Sorry to interrupt your
wedding, Mrs. Spaghetti, but...

Holy sedative. She's asleep.

I don't think sedatives
had anything to do with it...

but she certainly is blissfully,
vertically, deeply asleep.

Noodles.

I wanna hear what happened
to both of you in the mountains.

Really, I do.

But I have been so involved
with a landscape architect...

who came up with a novel idea.

A maze in the front garden.

A maze? COOPER: Yes, d*ck.

Like they have in the gardens
of old European palaces.

Now, ours would be constructed
on the hedge and alley system...

and planted with
hornbeam and holly and yew.

- Lovely.
- Now, just think of the fun we'd have at parties.

With our friends trying to
find their way to the center.

Indeed, madam. Very tricky.

Actually, not so tricky, Alfred.

You see, most mazes are based
pretty much on the same pattern.

Upon entering, you turn to your left. On the
first two occasions where you have a choice...

you keep right, thereafter
you keep to your left.

Is that how you
found...? I mean...

- Uh, is that how it's done?
- Yes, that's how it's done, d*ck.

Of course, the garden mazes
do present problems, Aunt Harriet.

Do they, Bruce?

For some unknown reason,
they attract cats by the thousands.

They're also strangely
sleep-inducing...

undoubtedly due to the hypnotic
effect of the irregular pattern.

Oh.

Well, then, I'll go back
to my original idea.

A plain clover lawn.

In the long run, Aunt Harriet, I
think that would be much more restful.