02x38 - The Joker's Hard Times

[bunniefuu]

When we last saw
the Dynamic Duo...

the fiendish Joker had tied them to
an altar in the Gotham City Museum...

beneath a huge meteorite...

which will fall when its supporting
cable is cut by a revolving thermite fuse.

How much time
before they're crushed?

Certainly less than
when we left them.

Holy mashed potatoes.

- When the thermite burns through the cable...
- We still have one slim chance, Robin.

I've managed to
loosen my hand slightly.

If I can just break out my Batarang,
maybe I can divert that thermite.

Agh!

There it is, Robin.

Now, we'll need patience.

I won't be able to make my throw
until the thermite is directly overhead.

- But by then, it'll be almost at the cable.
- Yes, Robin.

I'll have just three
seconds to aim and throw.

What the devil could
have happened to Batman?

Sure and we've been up all
night waiting for him to call.

Commissioner,
I'm getting worried.

You have a point, Chief O'Hara.

- We'll call Batman.
- All right.

For that, you'll need a medium.

I'm sorry to report that the Tenacious Twosome
have been trapped, tied and terminated.

That's a lie.

Well, actually, I
have the wrong tense.

They will be squashed
in a matter of moments.

- You're raving!
- Ah! Caution, commissioner.

No, I'm not raving, I'm raiding.

My next target,
Libra, the Scales.

In here?

No, out there.

That, sir, is a
statue of Justice.

And carved of
priceless Carrara marble.

Cash value, half a million.

Why, have you no scruples,
you jesting jackanapes?

Scruples? Ha-ha-ha!

The cash value of scruples is 0.

No, I prefer Carrara marble.

As for Justice, she shall
be served with a hook.

At the precise moment the Dynamic
Duo become the Mashed Marauders.

- You demon!
- Ah!

Quick-frozen cops.

What a delightful
dish. Ha-ha-ha!

Now to put the
snatch on Justice.

Careful. Oh, careful.

There's half a million
in Carrara marble there.

Now, marble going up,
meteorite going down.

And now...

But there's a chance the thermite
will burn right through our bonds.

We would've been tomato paste.

Instead, Joker's
going to be canned.

Away, away, away. Ha-ha-ha!

- What happened, commissioner?
- Shock paralysis, chief.

Fortunately, it only
lasts a few minutes.

Commissioner Gordon speaking.

Sound the alarm. The Joker is
escaping via the side entrance.

After them! They've
stolen Justice!

Get the police
radio band, Robin.

Joker's probably been busy
while we were tied to that altar.

Calling all cars,
calling all cars.

The Joker has stolen Justice.

Tow truck carrying the lady
believed heading for Juniper Street.

All cars in the vicinity...

proceed at once
to Juniper Street.

Juniper Street it is.

Attention. This
is car number 72.

Have just spotted the tow
truck in vicinity of Mulberry Lane.

Am pursuing.

How did that truck get to
Mulberry Lane in two minutes?

Joker probably has that truck souped-up.
We'd better head for Mulberry Lane.

Attention. This
is car number 41.

Have just seen tow truck at
intersection of Dopple and Briar Streets.

Am pursuing.

Brace for Bat-turn.

Attention. This
is car number 98.

Have spotted tow truck
traveling west on Finley Road.

Am pursuing.

Holy sonic booms, Batman. That truck couldn't
have gotten to Finley Road this fast.

Nor could it be traveling west since
Finley Road runs north and south.

Switch on the police
radio band cut-in.

Attention all squad cars.
Attention all squad cars.

This is Batman speaking.

Disregard all instructions
broadcast on this wavelength.

Batman. You're
supposed to be dead.

Crushed by that meteorite.

Well, I'm not dead,
Joker. Neither is Robin.

We escaped that
cunning trap of yours.

Incredible, impossible.

But a fact, Joker.

And justice will
catch up with you.

Oh, you're wrong there, Batman.

I've stolen Justice.

And dead or alive, you're
too late to stop the next theft...

of my criminal zodiac.

Scorpio.

You're right, Boy Prunehead.

At this moment, the brightest star in my
criminal constellation is about to make off...

with Scorpio, the
scorpion. Ha-ha-ha!

Be stinging you, Batman.

Brightest star? He
must mean Venus.

We mustn't judge
her too harshly, Robin.

Even with the best intentions, it's
hard to change a lifetime of habit.

That gives me an idea.

Let's see that rare
art map, Robin.

Ah. There it is, the
Joker's next target.

Of course, the famous
Durand Golden Scorpion.

It's the same jewelry
store that he robbed before.

Let's just hope we're in time to keep
Venus from making another tragic error.

You.

- Yes, madam?
- Brindle, Special Branch.

- About your recent robbery.
- Oh, yes, tragic, terrible.

May be another.

Understand you have a priceless
antique jeweled scorpion, correct?

Yes, uh, Ms., uh... Officer...

Just call me Brindle.

- Let's see the scorpion.
- Yes, of course.

Uh-huh.

Just as I thought. Fake. I'm
taking this down to headquarters.

And you had better
have a good explanation.

But, Ms. Brindle, did you
say the scorpion is fake?

Oh, no, the scorpion isn't fake.

I am. Ha-ha-ha!

Come back with my scorpion.

Hurry up, please.

- The scorpion, is it still here?
- Dynamic Duo.

Where were you
when I needed you?

We're too late.

It was that girl again.

I'm ruined.

First the Twins,
now the Scorpion.

You'll get them back just as
soon as we catch up with Joker.

If anyone can do it, Dynamic
Duo, you can. Good luck.

- Venus?
- Undoubtedly.

But the main question is,
where will Joker strike next?

- The next sign of the zodiac.
- Which is Sagittarius, the Archer.

There sure aren't any
golden archers in Gotham City.

There may not be a golden archer,
Robin, but there is a golden Bowman.

Basil Bowman, wealthy friend
of millionaire Bruce Wayne.

No doubt the Joker
intends to steal him.

Let's go.

Excuse me. Is
this the residence...

- of the well-known millionaire Basil Bowman?
- It is.

- And is he at home?
- He is.

- And may we see him?
- You do.

Oh, ha, ha! Delighted,
Mr. Bowman. Ha-ha-ha.

- Well, what do you want?
- You.

Wrap him up, boys.

Do you dare, knowing the Dynamic
Duo will be dogging your trail?

Those fleas? Fah! Ha-ha-ha.

Wrap him up, boys. Ha-ha-ha.

- Batman and Robin.
- Batman.

Batman.

- Smash them, smash them!
- Don't you dare!

Thank you, Venus, but I
believe we can handle this.

Oh, you do, Batman?

One move and
Venus is a dead dolly.

I think we can find a more favorable occasion
for a showdown with the Caped Crusaders.

Don't let him get away, Batman.

It doesn't matter
what he does to me.

Oh, Batman won't endanger
a girl, now, will you, Batman?

Tripped up by your
own ethics. Ha-ha-ha!

He who trips
last, trips hardest.

My final prediction for the day:

I'm going to get clean away.

And you, traitress, will pay.

Venus, are you all right?

Batman.

I spoiled everything.

The Joker got away
and it's all my fault.

Don't worry, Venus, we
will catch him eventually.

Could I help?

Please?

Are you being sincere, Venus?

Very sincere.

I'm ashamed of all the
crimes I've committed.

If you'd like to help me,
you could help a great deal.

Oh.

Think of it.

Me, working with
the Dynamic Duo.

If only I'd met you
when I was younger.

A crooked path can often
be straightened, Venus.

Oh, and mine will be straight.

And I'll start by helping you
get back the Lion and the Crab.

- Leo Crustash, the opera singer.
- Yes. Yes.

Is this the place, Venus? - Yes.

You'd better wait outside,
Venus. There may be trouble.

Batman! Ow!

Where's Crustash?

Stop that sound.

My voice, the tension.

- You're all right, Mr. Crustash?
- Crustash is alive and kicking.

- Where have you been, Batman?
- Searching for you.

Where is Joker?

Who knows? Who cares?

After spending a day in there listening
to that Music to Drill Teeth By...

ugh, I gave him the
ransom he demanded.

And he didn't even
cut that thing off!

What ransom?

What ransom?

One hundred thousand
dollars, Batman.

If Joker's already gotten it,
he might be off anywhere...

putting it to no good purpose.

Well, then call the bank and
see if he cashed the check.

A check?

What bank?

Gotham National.

We still may have time, Robin.

- Let's go!
- I think we're too late, Batman.

Joker cashed that ransom
check two hours ago.

Now that you're caught, young woman, I
hope you realize that crime doesn't pay.

I think Venus already
realizes that, Chief O'Hara...

and she isn't exactly caught.

She has volunteered to
help us track down Joker.

And she's taking a big risk too.

Ahold of her... You're right.

'Tis a fine thing
you're doing, lass.

I can give you my
assurance, young lady.

The authorities will take this
into consideration at your trial.

I just wish I knew what Joker
planned for his next crime.

There are only three
signs of the zodiac left.

Capricorn, the Goat, Aquarius, the
Water Bearer, and Pisces, the Fish.

Let's see, Capricorn is...

Wait a minute.

Isn't there a meeting of the International
Society of Zoologists in Gotham City?

Sure. And they're using one of the park
fountains to display their tropical fish.

Precisely, Robin.

Pisces, the Fish.

In particular,
Palaremus Demnese...

of which there are only two living
specimens left in the entire world.

Both being displayed
in that park fountain.

- I think we'd better get right over there.
- Can I come along, Batman?

I won't mind going to prison if I know
I've helped put the Joker there too.

When you put it that way, my
dear, we could hardly refuse.

What a magnificent
geronimus, Dr. Gorly.

Beautiful.

And that is the finest specimen
of valperima I have ever seen.

- But look over there, Dr. Gorly.
- Ugh.

How hideous. What is it?

A goldfish. Ach.

Ah! But look over there.

The prize of the
zoological world.

Palaremus Demnese.

Exquisite, exquisite.

- You must be Dr. Gorly of the society.
- Yes. A pleasure to see you, Batman.

A pity more of our citizens do
not take an interest in science.

I'm afraid we're going to have to move your
fish, especially the Palaremus Demnese.

Ah!

You know about the Palaremus.

Unfortunately, so does a certain
master criminal who's plotting to steal it.

Steal the Palaremus?

That music.

The Joker.

Look out, Batman.

Holy red snapper, Batman.
They're throwing fish at us.

Into my net, you lovely little
Palaremus. Oh, ha-ha-ha!

The fishnapping of
the century. Ha-ha-ha!

Careful you don't get caught
by a red herring, Batman.

Let us away.

To the Batmobile.

Be careful, Batman.

Don't worry, Venus.

Don't let them catch
you from behind.

Good advice, desertress.

Keep your head down, Robin.

And keep your
hands inside the car.

They're heading
for the warehouse.

And so are we.

These b*ll*ts are getting too
thick. We'll have to take a detour.

Our two fish are
about to rise to the bait.

Everybody, get out of sight.

Something's fishy here, Batman.
- Ha!

Beautiful, Boy Beanhead.

I couldn't have made a
better pun myself. Ha-ha-ha.

Look out, Robin.

Well, what species have we here?

Oh! It looks like Dynamicus
Duos, a rare breed of caped fish.

- How about a fish fry?
- Ooh!

I have an even better idea.

Let's feed our fish
to the fish. Ha-ha-ha!

And don't forget, we
have a little bird as well.

Batman, are you all right?

Don't worry, my little pigeon.

You'll be joining
your friends for dinner.

A three-course meal.

Yes. Wasn't I right, Batman?

A most appropriate
place for a showdown.

You monster.

A monster perhaps, but a
highly-successful monster.

With you and Robin out of my way
and my zodiac crimes completed...

I'll have all of Gotham
City under my control.

Oh, and I'm a
tenderhearted monster too.

I couldn't possibly deprive that
poor, hungry clam of its dinner.

That would be cruelty to
animals, yes. Ha-ha-ha.

Very touching.

Oh, Boy Wonder...

what a succulent hors d'oeuvre
you should make. Ha-ha-ha!

Yes, and as for you, my ex-felonious friend,
let this be a lesson to you once and for all...

that honesty does not pay. Yeah.

Oh, what a hideous fate.

Don't lose hope, Venus.

A clam is only a
bivalve mollusk.

Some mollusk.

Push yourself away, Robin.

I can't, Batman.

I'm pinned against the side.

Robin. Robin!

Batman, he'll be eaten alive!

Batman, help!

Help, Batman! Help!