02x42 - Penguin Is a Girl's Best Friend

[bunniefuu]

An apparently peaceful
day in Gotham City.

But what is this?

An armored-car holdup
in broad daylight?

Bash those guards.

Heist that cash.

Use your g*ns. I wanna
hear some noise. Quack.

We're going to be late for that
lecture to the Crime Prevention League.

Sounds like we may pick up
new material for the lecture.

There's nothing like a little
on-the-job research, old chum.

Lift that loot and tote
that cash. Get the loot.

Hurry up. You're supposed to be
crooks, not a bunch of old women.

What are you
buttinskies doing here?

Just a little scholarly
research, Penguin.

Stop. Stop this
outrageous intrusion.

Cease, I say. Cease and desist.

Stop, you bumbling buffoons.

This is legal, I
tell you. It's legal.

Have you heard anything
about legalized thievery, Robin?

Can't say that I have, Batman.

I'll wipe those silly smirks
off your faces in court.

I'll sue you for as*ault and
battery and aggravated interference.

Tsk. You're witnessing the final
disintegration of a criminal brain, Robin.

Years of outlawry have
taken their inevitable toll.

But he's right about our
being in court, Batman.

We'll be the prosecution's star witnesses
when they try you for armed robbery.

Mother machree.
What's happening?

Nothing now, chief. Lucky
we happened to be passing by.

Oh, no, Batman, 'twasn't
luck. 'Twas a tragedy.

Do your duty, O'Hara.
Slap the handcuffs on them.

They've att*cked
these innocent citizens.

Innocent citizens?

What's going on here, chief?

I'm afraid he's right,
Batman. Look around.

Holy CinemaScope.
Penguin making pictures?

That robbery was just a mock-up.

But this permit isn't a
mock-up, Boy Blunderhead.

It's signed and sealed by the Gotham
City Motion Picture Commission.

And I'm gonna sue the city for $10 million
for failure to provide proper protection.

Do you hear that,
Batman? Ten million dollars.

I hear you, Penguin.

And you two are going to
jail for aggravated as*ault...

and malicious property damage.

Do you hear that, Batman?

Jail.

- Looks like he's got us this time, Robin.
- Like rats in a trap.

But I'm willing to make a deal.

But, Batman, this is a contract for you
and Robin to act in Penguin's picture.

And you've signed it.

Aw, it was blackmail, commissioner.
That bird trapped them into it.

- Not exactly, chief.
- What do you mean, Batman?

I wanted to sign
that contract, Robin.

You knew that robbery
was a fake from the start?

Yes, I saw the movie
equipment as we drove up.

I didn't have time to explain...

but I wanted Penguin to
think that he'd trapped us.

Why, Batman?

When someone like Penguin
sets up a movie company...

you can be sure it's not only
film he's after, commissioner.

- Sure and that's the truth.
- So you signed that contract...

- so we could keep an eye on Penguin.
- Precisely, Robin.

It's the only way we can stay close
to him without arousing his suspicion.

What do you think the
Penguin's planning, Batman?

That's what we'll try to
find out, commissioner.

He's gone to a lot of expense
to establish this film company...

so we can be sure
it's something big.

Where is Marsha,
Queen of Diamonds?

She is two hours
late, Miss Patterson.

We're trying to locate
her, Mr. Penguin.

Well, try harder. Time is
money in the movie business.

- Yes, Mr. Penguin.
- Quack.

Prop Department?

No, Mr. Penguin. This
is the Set Department.

Eh. Prop Department?

Sorry, Mr. Penguin.
This is Publicity.

Prop Department?

Prop Department?

Prop Department?
MAN 3: Yes, Mr. Penguin.

Forgot what I wanted you for.

Oh, yes. Have you ordered
that milk for scene 12 tomorrow?

Yes, sir. The t*nk
trucks are arriving now.

Twenty-four thousand gallons.

Heh. Good, good, good.

PATTERSON: Mr. Penguin?

Yes, Miss Patterson.

Marsha, Queen of
Diamonds, is here.

Send her in, send her in.

Oh, I see that you're at
your glittering best, my dear.

Thank you, darling.

Now, how do you suggest I get across
this football field you call an office?

Ah, well, just hop into my
Pengy-mobile and ride over.

Ah.

Oh, my, my.

Why, you're even more ravishing
than usual, Martha my darling.

Skip the compliments, darling.

You wouldn't have asked me
here if you didn't want something.

Yes, I do want something.

I want to make
you a millionairess.

How boring. I'm
already a millionairess.

Heh, it's true. Then how would
you like to be a billionairess?

- That's interesting.
- And all you have to do...

is to become my partner in
this motion-picture company.

Oh, come, now, Pengy. You don't really think
there's a billion dollars in filmmaking.

Faugh, this motion-picture
company is just a front.

- A front?
- That's right.

A front? For what? For what?

For the biggest caper ever
to be pulled in Gotham City.

But I need capital, because
this is a very expensive front.

- How much capital?
- Mm, as much as we can get.

About a dozen of those diamonds
that you're wearing as a start.

And for a dozen of my diamonds, I
will be the star of your film, of course.

Well, I was thinking of somebody
with more... With more "waah."

If you're thinking of my diamonds, darling,
you were thinking of me for the star.

The star of my
film is Batman. Heh!

- Batman? Batman?
- Yes.

- How did you get him?
- Oh, well, my usual bit of cunning chicanery.

Along with the Boy Wonder.

How's that for a cool one?

- Very clever.
- Mm?

- Pengy, darling.
- Yeah?

Does Batman have a love scene
with the leading lady in your film?

Why, of course. Who ever heard
of a film without a love scene?

Then I shall be
your leading lady.

Or no diamonds.

I might even be able to get my aunt Hilda
to whip up a love potion for my lipstick.

Your aunt Hilda? Heh!

Is that old witch still
practicing her black magic?

The blackest, darling.

And with her help, I'll finally
get Batman in my power.

Well, that's an additional
bit of chicanery. All right.

- Is it a deal?
- It's a deal.

Ah, good. I wouldn't
mind winning an Oscar.

Heh, an Oscar? Heh!

You don't want one of those.

My dear, if you
play along with me...

you are liable to win the most coveted
award in the entire motion-picture business.

You are liable to win...

a Penguin.

Penguin's script looks
innocent enough, Robin.

An historical spectacle set
in the days of ancient Rome.

But holy miscasts, Batman.

We play a pair of barbarian bandits sentenced
to fight as gladiators in the Coliseum.

Casting us as bandits would appeal
to Penguin's warped sense of humor.

He's sure gonna want us
jumping through hoops, Batman.

And I'm afraid we'll
have to jump, Robin.

At least until we find
out what he's up to.

But we don't have to
make things easy for him.

Take a look at
scene 12, on Page 33.

Gosh, Batman. What a scene.

I think someone connected with the
Gotham City Film Decency League...

should take a look at this
script. What do you think, Robin?

What do you think, Robin?

Oh. I think Penguin's gonna
be in very hot water, Batman.

That's what I think.

This must be it, Robin.

- Holy movie moguls, Batman.
- Penguin's certainly playing his part to the hilt.

Well, if it isn't my
two ham actors.

The only ham here
is wearing a top hat.

Tut-tut, Boy Bungler, we
can't all be great artists.

There it is.

An exact duplicate of the famous
Tyrrhenian baths in ancient Rome.

This is for scene 12, I take it.

- You like that scene, eh, Batman?
- I think it's in very poor taste, Penguin.

Faugh, it's a fantastically
magnificent scene.

- I wrote it myself.
- Obviously.

What's the reason for
the blindfolds, Batman?

The reason is arriving
now, Boy Bromide.

Hello, darling.

Oh, this'll be the most startling
spectacle ever to hit the screen. Ha, ha.

Wardrobe, where is Miss
Marsha's, heh, costume? Heh, heh.

Ah, there it is. Very good.

Ah! Perfect, perfect.
Thank you, thank you.

Are you ready to make history
with this milk bath, my dear?

Ready whenever you are, C.B.

The love potion in
my lipstick is ready too.

Oh. Batman and Robin,
how nice to see you.

You too, Mrs. Cooper.

Could you point out someone
called Mr. Penguin to me?

I am Mr. Penguin, madam.

And I am Mrs. Harriet Cooper of the
Gotham City League of Film Decency.

Film Decency?

What are you doing here, Mrs. C?

We have read your
script, Mr. Penguin.

And we cannot approve the scene
which you apparently are about to sh**t.

This is outrageous.

As the leading entrepreneur
of Gotham City...

I will not submit to having one
page of my masterpiece enfeebled.

And we will not submit
to such bullying tones.

Kindly remove your Victorian
mind from my set, Mrs. C.

Only when you remove this
morbid scene from your film.

Think of the children.

I am thinking of the
children, madam.

Look at this. Look at this here.

Twenty-three thousand quarts
of h*m* milk here.

Fortified with vitamin C.

I tell you, this whole scene is
bursting with minerals and vitamins.

This scene is bursting
with other things as well.

Oh, you know, I suspect this is
your doing, masked meddlers.

You're always poking your
proboscis into other people's business.

Decency is everybody's
business, Penguin.

All right. All right,
we will cut the scene.

And instead, we
will do scene 43.

Get ready, Marsha.

And you, Batman, take
your place for scene 43.

Scene 43, that's the one
where you and Marsha...

Yes, I know, Robin.

But I'll have to do it.

I trust you're going to enjoy
this scene, Batman, darling.

I made a bargain with Penguin,
and I never break my word.

Bargain?

Why, half the men in the world would fight
to be kissed by Marsha, Queen of Diamonds.

They certainly wouldn't
have to fight me.

What an appalling lack
of enthusiasm, darling.

But don't worry, I have enough
enthusiasm for both of us.

Lights.

Camera.

Action.

Cut it. That's not good enough.

Batman, I want you to
put some "grah" into it.

We'll do it again
and again and again.

Once is enough,
you feathered fraud.

Tut-tut, Boy Bluenose.

Penguin is a perfectionist. I'll do
it a hundred times if it's necessary.

And it will be necessary.

All right, action.

Oh, Bruce, your lips
are terribly chapped.

It's a mild case of
windburn, Aunt Harriet.

You see, this afternoon, d*ck
and I took an open bus tour...

through the Wayne
Animal Sanctuary.

Well, I'm going to get you
some salve for those lips.

Just in case a pretty
girl wants to kiss you.

Boy, I'll bet you'll never wanna kiss
another girl as long as you live, Bruce.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that,
d*ck. You're jumping to a rash conclusion.

Aw, you looked like you were
putting up quite a struggle, all right.

I think there was some
kind of potion in her lipstick.

- Potion?
- Yes. I think a love-inducing elixir of some sort.

No wonder your lips are chapped.

It took a great amount of
concentration to combat its effectiveness.

Good. Speaking of
the immediate future...

why do you think Penguin is
sh**ting tomorrow's scene...

at the Gotham City
Museum of Antiquities?

He claims he wants to use the
museum as a background for his films.

But I suspect he has
something bigger in mind.

Shouldn't we do something? That museum
is full of priceless and irreplaceable art.

I have done something
about it, d*ck.

I went to the museum and planted
Bat-homing devices on every object of art.

Ah, Alfred. Have you been keeping
an eye on the Bat-radar scopes?

Yes, sir. And so far the signals
from the Bat-homing devices indicate...

that all the objects of art
are still in the museum.

Hmm.

I suspect some of the objects will
be moved before the night is over.

And we'll know exactly
where Penguin's taken them.

So far, our overall plan is
working like a charm, Bruce.

So far, d*ck. So far.

Didn't you think I was magnificent
in that love scene, darling?

Well, you were certainly better
than the potion in that lipstick.

That left Batman
colder than an iceberg.

Yes, Aunt Hilda obviously
forgot to put enough oomph into it.

- Anyway, your plan is working so far.
- What do you mean, so far?

A Penguin plan is
money in the bank.

Money in the bank is no good to us, darling.
Our problem is getting it out of the bank.

Don't worry, it'll be out of the
bank and in our hands soon enough.

You see, stage one
is already in progress.

Right now my men should be
at the Museum of Antiquities.

And stage two is
likewise under control.

Now for stage three. I will need
another love potion from your aunt Hilda.

And one that'll really,
really work this time.

I'll see what I can do, darling.

In the meantime, you'll have
to tell me what stage three is.

- Tell me.
- No, I never trust a woman with a secret.

And if you're nothing else,
Marsha, you're certainly a woman.

A woman with diamonds, darling.

Or would you rather
return my collateral to me?

No, no. That's
extortion, Marsha.

You should know,
darling. You should know.

- Hello, Aunt Hilda.
- Hello, dearie.

What is that?

Mortimer, say hello to Marsha.

Aunt Hilda, have you been
robbing graveyards again?

Oh, no, dearie.

I left off that 20 years ago...

when I was chemistry
professor at Vassar. Until I quit.

Don't you mean
until you were fired?

A term I find most
unappealing, dearie.

Speaking of things
unappealing...

where did you get that?

I left one of the potions
in the caldron overnight...

and next morning,
there was Mortimer.

He's really quite friendly.

How are you doing with your
other potions these days, Aunt Hilda?

Other potions?

That one you put in my
lipstick was a complete failure.

Well, that was because I ran
out of chameleon tongues, dearie.

- But if you want something really strong...
- I do, I do.

I was just about to
whip up one of my bests.

The old toad potion.

My very strongest.

Oh, dear.

I'm afraid I'm out
of old toads too.

Can't you substitute
some new toads?

It would never work, dearie.

We've just got to get
some more old toads.

It doesn't look as if Penguin
took anything, Batman.

No it doesn't, Robin.

All our homing devices
seem to be in place.

But I'm still suspicious, Robin.

Suspicious of what,
Caped Codger?

Don't tell me you're suspicious of the Penguin
tampering with these priceless works of art.

The thought did cross my mind.

What, a great filmmaker like myself stooping
to a petty theft? Why, that's ridiculous.

What's ridiculous is thinking
you're a great filmmaker.

I write the lines around
here, Boy Blowhard.

You stick to the script.

Speaking of which, your
big scene is coming up.

I must see to it that
everything is, heh, prepared.

- Batman, thank heaven you're here.
- What's wrong, Mr. Tamber?

The museum's priceless collection of
15th-century chain-mail armor, it's gone.

That's impossible.
Our Bat-homing...

There is one factor I
could've overlooked, Robin.

The metal alloy in that armor
could've set up a magnetic field...

which blocked our
homing transmission.

You have to get
them back, Batman.

That unique alloy was invented by
the great master Benvenuto Violini.

Violini.

Yes, he made the
chain-mail armor out of it.

We'll try our best, Mr. Tamber. But I
think you should move out of this room.

There could be
some trouble here.

I think Batman has
discovered the missing armor.

We'd better start
this scene early.

All right, Batman,
a light rehearsal.

Action.

I have a strange feeling Penguin is going
to make this a very realistic scene, Robin.

If he wants realism,
we'll give him realism.

Detail, halt. Prepare
to fight. One, two.

That's it. Skewer the
scrofulous scullion.

Spear him like a
cucumber. Quack, quack!

That's not in the script,
Batman. I'm directing this scene.

Maybe we'll get you
in the scene, Penguin.

Those costumed cutups
are slicing my finks to ribbon.

Uh... Quack.

Shield your eyes, Robin.

Ah. Now we'll give those two-bit
actors a piece of real action.

This catapult will hurl you through
the sky and across Gotham City.

I'm sure you'll make a big splash
at the other end of your journey.

And your last moments on Earth
will be recorded for posterity...

by those two cameras that
I've strapped to your legs.

And I'll show the film
at a special premiere...

for the Benefit of the Amalgamated
Crooks of Gotham City.

The In-Flight Motion Pictures Benefit
of Penguin Productions Unlimited.

Good flight, masked missiles. We'll
watch from a better vantage point.

Farewell.