02x43 - Penguin Sets a Trend

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Batman". Aired: January 12, 1966 – March 14, 1968.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Series follows on Batman and Robin as they defend Gotham City from its various criminals.
Post Reply

02x43 - Penguin Sets a Trend

Post by bunniefuu »

When last we saw
the Dynamic Duo...

they were in the Penguin's catapult
about to be launched over Gotham City...

and land like a pair of
squashed tomatoes...

with Penguin's cameras set
to record their horrible death.

We'll be back in 60 seconds
with the smashing climax.

Holy cliffhangers, Batman. Aren't
you even gonna try to get loose?

- What's the cube root of pi?
- The cube root of pi? At a time like this?

Never mind, I just
remembered it.

What are you doing? We're about to be
launched all the way across Gotham City.

Exactly, Robin. I'm
computing our trajectory.

According to my computations, we
should land about 30 yards south...

of the intersection of
Mulberry and 7th Streets.

And they'll need a blotter
to soak up our remains.

As you'll recall, Robin...

I spent last week testing the
remote control unit of the Batmobile.

You have that gadget strapped to your wrist?
- Fortunately, yes.

And we're about to
give it the acid test.

I've started it.

Now to program it to proceed
to Mulberry and 7th Streets.

Thirty yards south.

Hurry, Batman. In a few
seconds, we'll be in midair.

That's it, Robin.

Now, let's hope the
Batmobile will get there...

before we do.

Holy suborbit, Batman.
It's raining down there.

All that time we spent on the remote-control
activator really reaped dividends, Robin.

I'll say. Remind me to give the Batmobile an
extra quart of oil next time we change it.

And now we have to get our
hands on a certain oily bird.

We should see Commissioner
Gordon and Chief O'Hara at once.

The nerve of that vulture.

We'll catapult him right
behind bars where he belongs.

We'll put him there eventually,
Chief O'Hara, but not just yet.

Not yet?

When he tried to smash the two
of you like a pair of ripe tomatoes?

Unfortunately, he still has the
museum's priceless chain-mail armor...

made in the 15th century by
the great Benvenuto Violini...

out of a special alloy
he also invented.

Batman is right, Chief O'Hara.

If we put Penguin behind bars
now, we'll never see that armor again.

- And it could be hidden in a thousand places.
- How are we going to find it?

I'm not so sure that
stealing the armor...

is Penguin's overall
plan, commissioner.

It could be just a side caper.

I think the first step might
be for Robin and me...

to resume our acting careers.

You mean back to
"lights, camera, action"?

Exactly, Robin.

That way we can get a clue as to
where Penguin's stashed the armor.

Sure and he'll be
suspicious, Batman.

I hope he is, Chief O'Hara.

Suspicion often
provides surprises.

And so my Caped Canaries, you have survived
your little flight through space...

and now you would like to
rejoin my film company, huh?

Quack! What do you
take me for, a fool?

We're willing to forgive and forget,
Penguin, and help you finish the film.

You don't fool me,
Dynamic Double-Talker.

There's some hideously
honest motive behind all this.

You're trying to trick
me, huh? Quack!

Out of my office,
quick. Out. Out.

I'm sorry you feel
that way, Penguin.

If you're not out of my office in
10 seconds, I'll call my bouncers.

Then you'll really know
how I feel. Out. Move, move.

And keep moving, you
Cupcake Crusaders.

You Dynamic Dingbats.

Move!

And stay out.

This is terrible, Robin.

I don't know what I'll do now.

- You'll get over it, Batman.
- No, I won't...

old chum. I've been
bitten by the bug.

- Show biz?
- Yes.

Yes, it's in my blood now.

I wanna get back in
front of those cameras.

I wanna see my name in lights.

"Batman."

Headlines in the
movie trade papers.

Big premieres. Academy Awards.

I'm afraid I've got
it bad, Robin baby.

The smell of the greasepaint,
the roar of the crowd.

I'd do anything to get back
in front of those cameras.

Quack. Oh, the Batman has
show business in his blood, huh?

A beautiful chance to bake
those two pigeons in a Penguin pie.

Now, watch things, Mac.

I've changed my mind, Batman.

I've decided you can
act in my film after all.

- You'll never know how much I appreciate this.
- It's nothing.

I was once a struggling
young actor myself.

Now, he's the second part of
the script. Look it over, carefully.

- Penguin?
- Uh-huh?

- I'll never forget this.
- I'll say you won't.

Meanwhile, in an isolated
section of Gotham Central Park...

Marsha and her aunt Hilda
are looking for elderly toads...

for Aunt Hilda's evil potion.

Aunt Hilda, what's
wrong with that one?

He's too young, dearie. My
potion requires a very old toad.

How can you tell
their age, anyway?

There are ways,
dearie. There are ways.

Well, how long are we
going to have to wait?

Last time I waited two weeks.

Oh, that's just dandy.

Have you ever
considered knitting, dearie?

Wonderful pastime.

Perhaps you should try and
knit us a few old toads, darling.

Great acting job, Batman. You
could run for senator. Or governor.

Thank you, Robin.

Who knows, perhaps I do have a
little touch of show business in my blood.

Holy history. Penguin's gone
from Rome to the Middle Ages.

The second part of his script
is set in medieval England.

It doesn't surprise me, Robin.

The criminal mind is
characteristically erratic and unstable.

And gullible. He fell for that
act of yours hook, line and sinker.

Needless to say, old chum, I don't
like having to resort to such mendacity.

But considering the
circumstances, I think it was justified.

And considering we
still don't know his plan.

Precisely.

Heh, heh, that's right, Batman. You
stick with me, I'll make a star out of you.

Don't worry, Penguin.

I'll stick with you, all right.

These suits of armor aren't part
of the museum collection, are they?

No, Robin, this is
quite ordinary armor.

- Are we all set?
- Ready when you give the word, Pengy.

Consider it given.

I sure don't like being in
this thing. I can hardly move.

Nor can I, Robin.

But we must make Penguin
think we're cooperating.

At least until we get some hint as to
where he's hidden the museum armor.

And this kind of risk is part
of our job as crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
we're all ready. Come here.

It's a magnet, Batman.

Try to wrench
yourself free, Robin.

Don't bother, Batman.

That magnet has a 2-ton pull. It'll
take a locomotive to wrench you free.

You underhanded weasel.

Heh. Thanks for the
compliment, Boy Bigmouth.

All right, men, hoist away.

Well, Batman, you said
you wanted to stick with me...

and I arranged
to have you stuck.

I've also arranged to
have you demolished later.

But right now I have a little appointment
with General MacGruder at the Hexagon.

It seems the good general also
has a yen to be a movie actor.

How would you like to see that
priceless armor? Would you like that, huh?

All right, front and forward.

There you are. My
own armored division.

Von Pengy's Blitzkrieg.

Just wait till I get through with those
armchair generals at the Hexagon.

All right, men. Forward march.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three,
quack. One, two, three, quack, quack.

Holy catastrophes, Batman.

I'd sooner see the Russians
in the Hexagon than Penguin.

We must stop him, Robin.

The Generals at the Hexagon are capable
men, but they're trained in open warfare...

not the devious kind
that Penguin practices.

See if you can find
some kind of loose joint...

or fitting.

We must get out of these things.

The Army is always happy to cooperate with
the motion-picture industry, Mr. Penguin.

Always happy.

And the Penguin is always happy to
cooperate with the Army, General MacGruder.

It's a pleasure, sir.

You, uh, did say that there might be
a little part in the picture for me, huh?

A little part, sir?

For a man of your acting
ability, there is a colossal part.

It is two lines longer
than Hamlet, sir.

Hamlet?

Well...

Then you do think I have
some acting ability, huh?

Oh, I think all
generals do, sir.

I think it's part of their
equipment, like, uh...

Like gills on a fish.

- Agreed?
- True.

Of course, if I may say so, sir, I think
you have far more than the average.

Ability, sir. Not
gills. Ha-ha-ha.

I'm glad to hear you
say that, Mr. Penguin.

You see, I'm due to
retire next year, and I...

Next year?

Just a moment. Would you turn
your head to one side, please?

- Huh?
- Just turn your head, just a little, to one...

Oh, oh. Mm.

Ah, there. That is magnificent,
that profile. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I'm sure, sir, as an Army man...

you understand the
importance of winning battles.

Well, in Hollywood, sir, a
profile like yours is half the battle.

So when you retire, do
not sign with anybody else.

Because Penguin Productions is prepared to
offer you an exclusive five-year contract.

- Agreed?
- You have my word on it, Mr. Penguin.

Very good, sir. And now, if you don't
mind, I'd like to get on with my film.

I have a very tight
sh**ting schedule, sir.

Major Beasley.

Yes, sir.

MacGRUDER: Mr. Penguin is
sh**ting a very important film.

I want you to give him
your utmost cooperation.

Of course, sir.

Now, if you gentlemen have no objection,
I'd like to sh**t the first scene in Room X.

Room X. Oh, but,
sir, Room X is right...

- That chin.
- What?

Did you see that chin, general?

That is magnificent. Ah? Ah?

It works from either side.

Well, now, tell me, what...?

- When do you retire, major?
- In about five years, sir. Why?

I want you to promise me not
to sign with any other producer.

Because Penguin Productions is willing to
offer you an exclusive five-year contract.

Oh, my goodness. Well...

I thought you said you were going
to sign me to a five-year contract.

Did I say that, general?

- Yes. PENGUIN: I
must be out of my mind.

We want you for
a 10-year contract.

Now, about Room X.

I, uh, ahem...

think that might be arranged.

- Huh, major?
- Hmm?

- Oh, yes, sir. Of course, sir. I agree, sir.
- I knew it.

I knew the Army would
never let me down.

Well, from the way you two gentlemen talked, I
thought this room would be full of top secrets.

But it looks like a perfectly
ordinary room to me.

Oh, it's quite ordinary, sir. But
Room X connects with Room Y.

And Room Y connects with Room Z.

And inside Room Z...

- Uh, I think that's enough, major.
- Yes, sir. Sorry about that.

I'd better get this
scene started.

Is it all right if I call my finks...?
I mean, my crew in now?

- Why, certainly. Certainly, Mr. Penguin.
- All right, crew, come on in.

- Why, I don't understand this, Mr. Penguin.
- Sorry, general, that's show business.

All right, men, Room Z is the
one we want. Through that door.

- MacGRUDER: Stop! Stop!
- Quack, quack, quack.

They're heading for Room Z.

Beasley, call the cavalry.

Sir, we haven't had
any cavalry since 1910.

- Oh. Well, call the Army.
- Yes...

Sir, we are the Army.

Well, get some men up
here. Don't just stand there.

Yes, sir. Men. Men. Men!

Room Z at last.

Watch the door, boys.

Now find the little item we
want and we'll get out of here.

Here they are, boys.

Remember the Alamo, MacGruder.

Remember Custer...
No, no, let's forget Custer.

Remember Grant and Lee...

and Teddy Roosevelt
charging up San Juan Hill.

That's it. Remember
Teddy Roosevelt.

Beasley, where are those men?

Right here, sir.
Come on, men. Hurry.

All right, men. This is it.

Fix bayonets.

Now, we're going to
charge up that hill...

Uh, through that door
and capture the enemy.

All right, men? Charge.

Fire if you must, men,
but protect your leader.

Their chain armor seems
to be impervious to our lead.

After them, men. Charge!

Gosh, Batman, there
are no chinks in this armor.

No.

But I happened to find
a loose fastening, Robin.

- You mean you can get out of your suit?
- No, Robin.

But remember, this magnet
is powered by electricity.

Pfft. What good does that do us?

It depends on how
good my aim is...

and whether someone left
that empty lamp plugged in.

That's an impossible
sh*t, Batman.

That's a negative
attitude, Robin.

Holy bull's-eye, Batman.

Beautiful, Batman. You shorted out the fuse
box and cut off the power to the magnet.

No time to congratulate
ourselves, Robin.

We must get down to the Hexagon.

In these things?

We can't waste precious
minutes getting out of them.

sh**t for their tires.

They got away, sir.

We have no choice, Beasley.

- Call the Air Force.
- Yes, sir.

Sir.

Sir, I think we may have
something better than the Air Force.

The Dynamic Duo. Thank heavens.

What are you doing in
those suits of armor, Batman?

- It's a long story, major.
- Never mind.

The Penguin penetrated Room Z and
made off with... With who knows what.

Whatever it is, we'll do
our best to get it back.

They may not be
the Air Force, major...

but they're the closest
thing to it in Gotham City.

Yes, they are, sir.

Should we use the
Batzooka, Batman?

I don't think we'll
need it, Robin.

As usual, Penguin has
overlooked a vital fact.

That truck he's driving is too
light to support all that armor.

One more high-speed turn,
and I'm sure his tires will go.

Lucky we have heavy-duties
on the Batmobile.

You were right, Batman.

That last turn flattened
one of Penguin's tires.

Through the alley, you finks.

Take this back to the hideout.

I'll hold off the
Clanking Crusaders.

Now you're in the trash heap
where you belong, Dynamic Dodos.

What's that mess?

Oh, just a...

pile of old junk.

Wait a minute.

What'll you charge me
to haul that stuff away?

- Five bucks.
- What do you do with it?

Mash it up in a hydraulic
press and sell it for scrap.

Ha-ha-ha. The Scrapped
Crusaders. That's magnificent.

- What do you mean by that?
- Never mind. Here, here.

Here's 5 bucks. I want
you to haul that away.

Wait a minute. Here's another 5.

Mash it down hard,
huh? Ha-ha-ha.
Post Reply