02x53 - King Tut's Coup

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Batman". Aired: January 12, 1966 – March 14, 1968.*
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Series follows on Batman and Robin as they defend Gotham City from its various criminals.
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02x53 - King Tut's Coup

Post by bunniefuu »

NARRATOR: The start of a new
semester at ivy covered Yale University...

and the portly professor of
Egyptology outlines his plans.

And then, of course,
there'll be the field trip...

to the Gotham City Park.

Oh, it bodes to be a truly
exciting class, young gentlemen.

That is, if you're really
interested in Egyptology...

and not just two football players
hoping this will be a snap course.

Oh, we're real dedicated
students, professor.

Uh, sure.

STUDENT 1: How about you, professor?
- Hmm?

We heard you
flipped a while back...

and assumed the identity
of King Tut. Is that right?

Oh, that campus newspaper.

Yes, it's true.

I suffer from a
unique combination...

of amnesia and
identity transference.

It only happens when I suffer
cranial concussion, however.

Thus, as you can see...

I have protected
myself with this hard hat.

Hail almighty Tut,
prince of darkness.

Hail sovereign of all
that's mean and evil.

- Hail. STUDENT 2: Hail.

The g*ng's all here.

NARRATOR: And late that night at the
Gotham City Museum Egyptology section...

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I asked you first.

So you did, so you did.

I am here to lay
rightful claim...

to yon sarcophagus.

- You're a thief?
- You're right.

And how is the guard's
condition, Chief O'Hara?

Still unconscious.

In times like these, there's only one
man who can help us solve the problem:

Bruce Wayne.

Bruce Wayne? Not Batman?

There's an Egyptian costume ball
at the Gotham City Hotel tonight.

Bruce Wayne is chairman.

Perhaps he knows
something we don't.

You're going to look very
handsome tonight, Bruce.

A magnificent Caesar.

I'm glad we had this
little dress rehearsal.

Ha, ha. I can't wait to see
Lisa dressed as Cleopatra.

Phone for you,
sir. In the study.

It's Commissioner Gordon.

Commissioner Gordon?

What would he
want with you, Bruce?

We'll soon find
out, Aunt Harriet.

Excuse me.

I can't imagine Alfred
making an error like that.

What did you say, d*ck?

Uh, nothing, Aunt Harriet.

Alfred, I'm shocked at
your breach of secrecy.

No need to be, sir. The commissioner's
call was for Bruce Wayne, not Batman.

But a feeling inside me suggested
that you should take it in here.

- Hello, commissioner.
- As chairman of tonight's Egyptian ball...

can you tell me what significance
the robbery of a sarcophagus...

circa 1300 B.C. might have?

Its principal value would
be that of an antique.

Wait a moment, commissioner.

1300 B.C. was the era in
which King Tut trod the land.

That's what I was afraid of.

I'd hoped it was some
sort of a publicity stunt.

My committee would never
engage in such a stunt.

Then it appears our old nemesis
King Tut may have returned to haunt us.

My suggestion would be
to call Batman immediately.

Sound thinking, Bruce.

Bruce Wayne advised
me to call Batman.

Heh. Well, I guess millionaires
aren't so dumb after all.

Otherwise they never would
have become millionaires.

Hmm.

[GORDON CLEARS THROAT]

[BATPHONE BEEPS]

Yes, commissioner.

GORDON [OVER PHONE]: The
worst has come to pass, Batman.

I know. King Tut is back in
Gotham City. We'll be right there.

Absolutely incredible.

You'd think the man
could read my mind.

To the Batpoles.

Why doesn't he stay
where he belongs?

Up at Yale, where he's a
nice, mild-mannered professor?

Don't forget, Robin, when the
professor metamorphosizes...

Changes into King Tut...

he forgets his true identity.

- No clues?
- Nary a one.

Tut once tried to claim
Gotham City as his kingdom.

You don't suppose
he'd try it again?

I doubt it. He was
thwarted in that gambit.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

No.

Oh. How brutal.

Well, we'll get
on it right away.

In the meantime, leave
everything exactly as you found it.

[GORDON SIGHS]

Fouad Sphinx, the talented
Middle Eastern pantomimist...

has just been found in his
swank suite at the Oasis Hotel.

- Alive? GORDON: Barely, Batman.

He's been pummeled about
the head and shoulders...

by someone answering
the description of Tut.

Furthermore, he was tied
up in the classic tradition.

Oh. Sphinx, Oasis, Middle Eastern.
You think it could mean something?

Chances are it could
be a clue. Let's go.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in
Tut's hideout at the Pyramid Club...

a shattered roadhouse in
an underdeveloped suburb...

Hi, Tut baby. What's shaking?

Batman's head, unless I
miss my guess. Heh, heh.

JESTER: Can we get up now?
CHANCELLOR: My back hurts.

You may rise.

- Oh! Be it ever so humble.
- What's with him?

Please, Neila, you may
be goddess of the Nile...

but I am your king.

And soon...

I will claim my queen.

Mm. The lovely Lisa Carson...

daughter of wealthy
socialite Johnny Carson...

will appear at the Egyptian
Ball tonight as Cleopatra.

Her escort will be millionaire
Bruce Wayne as Julius Caesar.

Come, observe.

Heh. Millionaire Bruce Wayne.

Blech!

Tonight he'll lose
his queen to me...

the king!

Oh, pulchritudinous!

Just as I have envisioned
her down through the centuries.

And tonight...

she will be mine alone.

And where does that leave me?

You could always
be a lady in waiting.

- But I thought she was...
- Silence, Tutlings!

I have been reincarnated,
as the whole world knows...

and now so has
the lovely Cleopatra.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, the
Caped Crusaders Bat-climb their way...

to Fouad Sphinx's hotel suite.

Suzy Knickerbocker, what
are you doing in Gotham City?

I go where the
action is, Batman.

The Caribbean, the
Riviera, the Greek Islands.

Wherever there's
glamor, that's where I am.

I'm afraid you'll find it
pretty quiet here, then.

Oh, I don't know, Boy Wonder.

I hear millionaire Bruce Wayne
is really one of the hippies.

All that marvelous money
and fantastic Wayne Manor.

Stately Wayne Manor.

Mr. Wayne is basically a
very serious young man.

Sometimes those
serious ones fool you.

Batman, I think that's a darling
little costume you're wearing.

Where did you get it,
in London or Rome?

No, I believe in
patronizing local craftsmen.

There's a guy who makes great capes
and cowls right here in Gotham City.

Ha, ha. I think you two
belong in my column.

I'll slip you in somewhere between
Acapulco and Princess Grace.

Holy jet set!

Imagine us in Suzy
Knickerbocker's column, Batman.

An unlikely spot for two
mundane crime fighters.

- And speaking of crime fighting...
- I adored seeing both of you.

I wonder who they really are.

Probably a couple of
international playboys.

I mean, who else
would climb walls?

OFFICER: Ah, the
Caped Crusaders.

We left everything just as we found it
per Commissioner Gordon's instruction.

Good work, officer. Ah, that must be
the talented pantomimist in question.

How do you feel, Mr. Sphinx?

How do I look, Batman?

King Tut is a very
muscular fellow.

What did King Tut say?

He said, "You got my message?"

Was there anything else?

Yes. He left you a note.

It's in my pocket here.

It's written in an
ancient tongue, Robin...

circa 1300 B.C.

- King Tut's era.
- Yes, this will require further study.

- To the Batcave.
- Batman.

Yes, Mr. Sphinx?

Think it would be all right
if someone untied me?

I'm getting a little cramped.

Of course. Officer,
untie this poor fellow.

"I, the great King Tut have
returned to Gotham City...

to wreak revenge on Batman
and his accursed companion."

Hey, that's me.

"And next in importance,
to claim my own."

His own what?

That is the question.

Commissioner, we've
just deciphered the scroll.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Uh-huh.

I knew that he'd be after you
and Robin, but to claim his own...

- What does it mean?
- Whatever his plan, commissioner...

with the Ancient Egyptian
Ball being tonight...

I have a feeling our evil friend
may put in an appearance there.

I'll have a cordon of
police in attendance...

and to keep them from being
noticed, they'll be attired as Egyptians.

I want seven of your best men at
the ball tonight in Egyptian raiment.

Gotham City's finest...

dressed up like a
bunch of heathens?

May the saints preserve us.

Don't you ninnies understand...

that I want Batman and Robin
to show up at the ball tonight?

What happens when
you show up at the ball?

You underestimate your
sovereign's think t*nk.

I have this day delivered to a
certain address in Gotham City...

a replica of the royal robes
and mask of the great King Tut.

Mayor Linseed is away on one of
his frequent visits to the Asian front...

but Deputy Mayor Zorty
is acting in his stead.

Tonight he will be I! Heh.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you doing? Get your
hands off me. This is an outrage.

OFFICER: Tell that
to the commissioner.

ZORTY: What in the world
do you think you're doing?

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

For you, my queen.

[FANFARE PLAYING ON HORNS]

Good work, men. You got him.

The city's no longer in peril.

The city may not
be in peril, O'Hara...

but you and your
clumsy clogs are.

Uh-oh.

If it's who I think it
is, and I think it is...

I'll be back pounding the b*at,
and so will you, commissioner.

Unhand him, gentlemen.

[O'HARA GASPS]

It's himself.

Deputy Mayor Zorty.

We all owe you an apology, sir.

We had a report that the
evil King Tut was back in town.

I'm not blaming you, Gordon.
You were doing your duty.

But what about
the real King Tut?

No doubt this subterfuge
was part of his plot.

He may be at the
ball at this moment.

Go back there,
men. On the double.

This time get the right king...

or you, O'Hara, and all the rest of
you will be back pounding a b*at again.

[PLAYING FANFARE]

TUT: Mm.

Would you look at her?

Every inch a queen.

Mm.

[WALTZ PLAYING]

You're right, it's Tut.

We'll play this cautiously,
d*ck. Watch and wait.

COOPER: Do you
boys know that man?

If he's who we
think he is, we do.

And if we do,
we'll deal with him.

- Mr. Wayne?
- Yes.

We're from the police.

We've been ordered to apprehend
the man disguised as King Tut.

- Oh, yes, I know.
- Is something wrong?

Don't worry, Aunt Harriet.

Well spoken, noble mark.

- We've got a plan, if you'll help us.
- Of course.

See those men over there?

They're also police.

The king seems to be
attracted to the queen, Cleopatra.

You can say that again.

If you can get the young
lady to dance with the king...

steer him over to that exit...

we could capture him quietly
without disturbing the others.

I'll try to oblige.

By your leave, Your Highness.

It's an honor to dance
with you, Your Majesty.

I know it is.

Not every young
girl gets a chance...

to wrap her arms
around the king.

Oh!

[TUT HUMMING]

My, what a short dance.

Yes, it isn't like Lisa
to go off with a stranger.

Mr. Wayne, have
you seen King Tut?

Yes, the police
just took him away.

Or did they?

- We're the police.
- Notify the commissioner.

d*ck, come on.

[COOPER GASPS]

Mercy gracious sakes alive.

I placed a tracking device
in Lisa's clothes, Robin.

[BEEPING]

See here?

Watch closely.

It stopped. We've
zeroed in on them, Robin.

Commissioner, you've
heard the news, of course.

We've located the royal palace.

Undoubtedly, King Tut has
taken Miss Carson there.

The Pyramid Club.

A shuttered roadhouse in
an underdeveloped suburb.

I'm sorry. Robin and I had
better attempt this one ourselves.

A girl's life is in danger.

This mission has to be
accomplished quietly.

NARRATOR: But in his hideout
in the shuttered Pyramid Club...

King Tut plans some
noise of his own.

But I'm not Cleopatra.

I'm Lisa Carson.

I live right here
in Gotham City...

on the fashionable lower east
part of the Upper West Side.

Your home is on the Nile.

I've never been to the
Nile, and I'm never going.

Fate and I will take you there.

Look, if this is some kind
of a joke, I've had enough.

Who are you, anyway?

Who am I? Heh, heh.

Tut! Master of Thieves,
King of the Nile...

moon god of Thoth.

And that's just on
Mama's side of the family.

I have a wealthy father, and
he'll pay anything to let me go.

There's not enough
money in all the world...

to rob me of the rapture of having
my queen by my side forever.

You're not going to have
me by your side ever.

I wonder how a little stay...

in the royal dungeon
would affect you.

Strange how that
clammy enclosure...

can have a warming
effect on people.

Jester! Lord Chancellor!

[GROWLS]

Bolted tight.

- Should we try the Batmelter on the lock?
- No, we must find other means.

You stay here and watch the
door. I'll see what I can find above.

Mission accomplished,
Your Highness.

She's locked up, all right.

Though it sure seems
like a waste of money.

Though it's none of
my business, I guess.

Hmm? You're right, royal
jester, it's none of your business...

and that's no guess.

If that girl in the dungeon ain't
kidding, there could be a fortune in this.

Well, what do you know,
the first robin of spring.

Let's take him to the
head birdwatcher...

the king himself.

[ROBIN GRUNTS]

Oh. A bird of prey.

Tie him up!

Stop! Wait a minute.

If the Caped Crumb is here...

the Cowled Creep
can't be far behind.

BATMAN: That's right, Tut.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Now...

what shall we do with
our mortal enemies...

who shan't be
mortal much longer?

Hmm... Hmm... Ah.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

For the moment, we'll
leave Boy Wonder tied up...

to decide his ultimate fate.

But as for Batman...

open the royal sarcophagus.

Put him in it.

Friends, Egyptians, henchmen...

lend me your ears.

I come to bury Batman,
not to praise him.

The evil that men
do lives after them.

The good is oft
interred with their bones.

So let it be with Batman.

It isn't that I love
you any less, Batman.

Simply that I love me more. Hmm?

Bubble, bubble, little bat...

at the bottom of the vat.

Your wings will dry
and soon you'll fly...

to the great big
belfry in the sky.

[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
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