02x54 - Batman's Waterloo

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: As you may
recall, we last left Batman sealed...

in an Egyptian sarcophagus
five feet under water.

For you, several hours have passed.
For our heroes, not one second.

We just may be witnessing the
final chapter in Batman's brave life.

Don't move an inch.

The most incredible occurrences
have yet to occur incredibly.

[LAUGHS]

The die is cast, Tutlings.

Never again will Batman poke
his bony beak into my business...

or anybody else's
business for that matter.

Ah! Don't work yourself
into a flap, spunky.

He's drowned, not even brat-to-bat
resuscitation can help him now.

Now I must get back
to the throne room...

and see if my adored Cleopatra
has changed her mind in the dungeon.

I still don't see what
that dame has that I don't.

Well, whatever it is, she's
had it centuries longer than you.

You've seen the
last of that vatted calf.

[LAUGHS]

[TRANSMITTER BEEPING]

Morse Batcode?

Good heavens.

You're in big trouble, King Tut.

Kidnapping, m*rder, grand
theft and malicious mischief.

You're a party-pooper, Cleo.

[GROANS]

Now you see we've
had our first spat.

All right, fellows,
gather up yon bird boy...

and bring the Tut Truck
round to the front entrance.

We go now to the
royal oil boiling room.

A perfect place to make
our nuptial arrangements.

Ugh. Aren't going to be
any nuptial arrangements.

I wanna go home.

Oh, and so you shall, my little
lily of the valley of the kings.

In gloriously triumphant
splendor to the Nile.

My father hears about this, he's gonna
run you out of town on an Egyptian rail.

KING TUT: Your father, dear Cleopatra,
lies immobile and in the grave...

in Rama, great
city of the Sahara.

When we get to the
royal oil boiling room...

be sure to prepare some real boiling royal
boiling oil to boil the boy wonder in royally.

Oh, sir.

Oh, come on.

Face it, Cleo.

Fate has pushed us together
and no man can split us asunder.

For the last time, I am not Cleopatra
and you certainly are not King Tut.

Bite your tongue.

She speaks heresy,
omnipotent one.

Lord Chancellor, you
don't understand women.

Beneath it all, she's
aflame with love for me.

Yuck.

Reach your heart out.

Please, I beg of you.

Next to Bruce Wayne, my father is
probably the wealthiest man in Gotham City.

He'll pay you anything
if you'll just let me go.

She speaks with
straight tongue, sire.

John E. Carson
has tons of the stuff.

We could make a good deal.

The market is strong for
young heiresses right now.

Silence, Tutlings.

There will be no deal
consummated until after our marriage.

- I'll do anything if you'll call my father.
- Mmm.

[BATMAN GROANS]

Oh, thank heavens.

You're alive, sir.

Just barely, Alfred.

I came as soon as I received
your Morse Batcode message.

It was really most propitious that I happened
to be dusting the Batcave when you sent it.

I counted on your
love for your work.

I don't understand how you
managed to survive with no air...

and for such a great
length of time, sir.

I put myself in a trance
not unlike the Indian fakirs.

It required extreme
concentration.

I was able to slow my heart and
respiratory systems to a crawl.

But you were without
air for nearly an hour, sir.

Yes, I know of one fakir who
was buried for three years.

Indeed, sir.

Yes, it must have been a remarkable
demonstration of self-control.

Where's Robin?

King Tut removed him from
the premises, where I don't know.

Oh, yes. We must find
him. To the Batcave.

So won't you please call
my father, little baby, hm?

I promise you he'll
make you a very rich man.

Possessing you is all I want.

A boy couldn't ask
for anything more.

LISA: Will you call him, please?

Pretty please? Would you?

All right. But I insist
that he stay away...

until after the wedding.

Oh, I promise. I promise.

- Agreed?
- Oh, yes. Agreed.

Put her there.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Hello?

Hello, Dad. This is
your future son-in-law.

What?

I'm sure you'll be happy to
welcome me into your family.

I come from good stock.

My father was a king,
grandfather before him, so am I.

Leaving out your
larcenous lineage...

what have you done with
and or to my daughter?

I'm safe, Daddy.

And she'll remain
safe for the paltry sum...

of $8,300,487 and 12
cents, queen's ransom.

Why such an uneven amount?

I need it to pay off the
mortgage on the pyramids.

The interest rate over 3400
years is positively usurious.

Very well.

As long as she's in no danger,
no sum of money is too great.

But what about arrangements?

It will take me a while
to get that much cash.

- We'll have to deal through an intermediary.
- I have an idea.

My company sponsors the daily Jolly
Jackson Phone Jockey radio show.

When I've collected that
much money, I'll call in...

and I'll say, "The sleet in
Crete is never very neat."

- I think you've got it.
- Keep listening to the program.

Operator, get me
Commissioner Gordon.

So Tut plans to
boil Robin in oil, eh?

I did hear him mention
something to that effect, sir...

through the skylight.

Also, as I now recall, something
about his royal oil boiling room.

Mm-hm. We'll soon see
about his monstrous scheme.

And next, where he
plans to perpetrate it.

Drawing upon my vast
storehouse of chemical knowledge...

I'm herein concocting an alchemist fluid
which will neutralize the boiling oil.

What exactly does it do, sir?

I'm not quite sure, Alfred. It's the
first time I've ever tried this experiment.

But I think in the end, it
should produce foam rubber.

- Foam rubber, sir?
- Yes, Alfred.

From a tiny capsule like that?

The size of the package, Alfred, is in no way
any indication of the value of its contents.

Of course, sir. Heh. Very apt.

[BEEPING]

Yes, commissioner.

Um, first, Batman, will you
be talking to Bruce Wayne?

I occasionally run into
him, commissioner. Why?

I'm worried about
my daughter Barbara.

How is she involved in all this?

Well, as Bruce Wayne knows, she's away
at college, she'll be graduating shortly...

and I'd hate to think that some of the
dire happenings which have happened to...

that fine professor of Egyptology could also
happen to my beloved daughter at her school.

I rather doubt that your daughter Barbara
is going to get conked on the head...

and turned into a long-dead
Egyptian ruler, commissioner.

Heh, heh. I know it
sounds a little farfetched...

but she's an only child and
of course, my pride and joy.

I just need a
little reassurance.

If I see Bruce Wayne,
I'll ask him to call you.

He knows more about the present
American collegiate scene than I do.

I'd be most grateful, Batman.

You said that was first,
commissioner, what's second?

Second? Oh, yes.
Of course. Forgive me.

I must not let my personal concerns
conflict with my public problems.

Are you familiar with Jolly
Jackson, the Phone Jockey?

Isn't he the man who takes calls from
people and then insults them on the air?

Exactly. And here's
our predicament...

Our number is klondike-5-8-2-5-7.
The program is "Open Mouth."

[PHONE BUZZES]

- Hello.
- Mr. Jackson, this is Batman.

Sorry about that. I had to
cut you off the air. No names.

But it's important that
my message be heard.

You know, you're the eighth person
that called today claiming to be Batman.

It used to be Napoleon.
Now it's Batman.

But I'm really Batman and I
have a message for King Tut.

King Tut? Listen, I'm no
Egyptian phone jockey, bub.

Maybe not, but this is a
matter of life and death.

Well, you all say
the same thing.

All right, listen, if you're really Batman
then you're a very brainy guy, right?

Go on.

Tell me who said, "Biography
should be written by an acute enemy"?

Arthur James Balfour,
born 1848, d*ed 1930.

He was quoted by S.K. Ratcliffe in
the London Observer, January 30, 1927.

Friends, we have a very
special guest on the line.

A great and good friend
of yours truly. Batman.

He has a message for you.
Fire away, caped crusader.

This message is
for King Tut only.

I request all other citizens of Gotham
City to comply with my wishes...

and shut their radios off
for the next 30 seconds.

[BATMAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

[EXHALES]

Curse you, Batman.

May you fall down a flight of stairs and
break every tooth in your head except one...

and in that, may you have a toothache for the
rest of your life which won't be very long.

Okay, you can turn your
radios up again. Good.

For those of you who didn't hear what
Batman had to say, it was very interesting.

And for those of you who didn't
turn your radios off: Naughty, naughty.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Hello, Jolly Jackson on
the line. Can I help you?

Yeah. This is King Tut speaking.

Well, here we go again.

- Tell that repulsive rodent to...
- Hold on a second, Tutsy.

Sorry to do this, friends...

but would you mind turning your
radios off again for a few seconds more.

Go ahead, sweetheart.

Tell that blue beanbag
to bring the money...

to the royal oil boiling room in
the abandoned boiler works...

in the old Boylston section
of the city tonight. Alone.

And you can also tell him to...

[KING TUT SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

- Oh, oh. Such language.
- Any result, sir?

Yes, Alfred, just as you
recalled and I suspected...

Tut's holding the girl in
the abandoned boiler works.

Holy steam valve.

Sorry, sir, it just slipped out.

It must be because Master Robin's
uppermost in my thoughts at the moment.

And in mine, Alfred.
You mind the store.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
in the royal oil boiling room...

adjacent to the
vacant vat factory...

Ah!

I knew I should have used
vegetable oil, it's not hot enough yet.

[YELPS]

Only a few more
minutes until countdown.

I think there's enough room in
the vat for Batman, don't you?

About Batman, sire...

I thought we'd rid ourselves of
him once already this evening.

True. But the caped
conniver seems...

to have a penchant for
escaping from tight places.

He'll not escape this one.

Before this night is out...

I shall revel in the sight of a
big, crisp, polyunsaturated bat.

And that goes for his
sickening sidekick too.

CARSON: The
banks were all closed.

The most I could muster was
slightly more than 6 million.

That's not enough. That fiend
demanded $8,300,487 and 12 cents...

and not a penny less.

What can I do?

For once, I just don't know.

Do you think he'd accept
a check for the difference?

It's worth a try.

Batman, please promise you'll
do everything in your power...

to bring her home safely.

She's the only daughter I
have and I love her very dearly.

You have my word, Mr. Carson.

This ransom will break
me, but I don't care.

Strange. I was under the impression
that you were a multi-multimillionaire.

Everybody thinks so.

But all I have in the
world is now in your hands.

I had hoped to arrange a match
between Lisa and Bruce Wayne.

The combination of our fortunes
would put me back on top...

- and give me room to manipulate.
- A marriage of convenience, eh?

It goes on all the time
among the upper classes.

Normally, I wouldn't think of
Bruce Wayne as a husband for Lisa.

Well, he's a nice enough fellow, but he's just
not marriage material for a girl like Lisa.

Actually, you're more her style.

Me?

I'm afraid not, Mr. Carson. My heart
is already pledged to crime-fighting.

No. No time to tarry.

Lest we forget,
lives are at stake.

- Robin.
- Yes.

Is there any hope?

For you maybe, but I
think my goose is cooked.

[SOFTLY] Listen, kid.
You want out of here, right?

Of course I do.

My father will send
the ransom money...

but I'm not so sure
King Tut will release me.

Knowing what kind of fink he is, I'm
positive he'll grab you and the loot.

You're going to help us?

Frankly, Robin, I don't
give a darn about you...

but I want her out of here.

King Tut may be fat, lazy and
extremely rude, but he's all I have.

And with her here I
don't even have that.

[KING TUT CACKLING]

Seize them.

Oh.

[SPEAKS IN LATIN]

My queen is disloyal, the
handmaiden is a traitor...

and everybody is
being mean to me.

[SOBBING, THEN SCREAMS]

Very well, you have
insulted your king.

So as soon as Batman and
Robin have been fricasseed...

you'll both join
them in yonder pot.

You'll answer to
Batman for this.

"You'll answer to Batman
for this." You big tattletale.

Boiling in oil.

One of my dear father's
favorite spectator sports.

Only you won't be
a spectator, Batboy.

According to my master plan, the cowled
cornball should be arriving momentarily.

- With the money.
- We'll clobber him.

No, no v*olence. I
can't stand v*olence.

But I like t*rture.

It's good, clean fun.

He'll be joining his caped
crony in a double birdbath.

[SNICKERS]

Didn't you find that funny?

The king has made a
yuk. Laugh now. Ha, ha, ha!

[TUTLINGS LAUGH]

sl*ve girls, ho.

And ten, nine...

[GONG BONGING]

eight...

seven, six, five...

four, three, two...

one, zero.

[LOUD CRASH]

Ugh!

Into the oil.

Call the commissioner. Tell him Chief
O'Hara and his men can come right over.

Batman, how can
I ever thank you?

Having you back with your father and
Bruce Wayne is thanks enough for me.

But what's gonna happen to me?

Don't worry, Neila. Everything
is going to be all right.

[KING TUT MUMBLING]

Bat.

The new curriculum
includes a trip...

to the archaeological
museum and...

[GASPS]

Oh.

- Did I do it again?
- You certainly did.

- I hurt anybody?
- Only yourself, professor.

- Only yourself.
- I know.

Oh, I hope the board of
regents will understand...

that a criminal alter ego is
not an easy thing to overcome.

As a crazed
criminal, professor...

your alter ego would have been dealt
with justly, but firmly, for surely...

no man is above the law
and no man is below it.

It's been a lovely
evening, Bruce.

Yes, I've had a
wonderful time too...

it's just too bad our date had
to be spread over two nights.

But King Tut had
other plans for you.

How is the poor, deluded man?

I understand he's
doing quite well.

He's undergoing therapy
to cure his ailment.

When he's not functioning as
King Tut, he's really quite normal.

All of us have alter
egos we submerge.

True, so true.

Would you like to come in
for a glass of milk and cookies?

I'm afraid it's rather late.

Why, it's 10:30.

Oh. All right.

Will you call me again?

I wonder if that would be wise,
Lisa, you're a very beautiful woman...

and you'd make some
lucky man a marvelous wife.

Unfortunately, I'm not that man.

You see, the Wayne
foundation is my wife.

You're just wasting
your time with me.

I don't think it's
wasting time, Bruce.

It's been very nice
knowing you, Lisa.

Don't I get a goodbye kiss?

A kiss?

Mm-hm.

Well, if you insist.

I do.

Milk and cookies, did you say?

I made the cookies myself.

Man cannot live by
crime-fighting alone.