03x09 - How to Hatch a Dinosaur

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Morning
in Gotham City.

But a day that dawns brightly is no
guarantee against darkening disaster.

[COSSACKS SHOUTING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

EGGHEAD: Olga.

[HORSES GALLOPING AND COSSACKS
SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[BURRO NEIGHS]

Olga. Olga, wait for
me. Giddyap. Giddyap.

Olga!

It's the Cossacks again, sonny.

Yes, ma'am. But this time,
they turned down Market Street.

The only thing in that direction is
the Gotham City Radium Center.

Radium Center?

That sounds even more dangerous
than trying to cross this street.

- Cossacks.
- Da, Cossacks, my little technicianski.

Where is hot stuff being kept?

"Hot stuff"? I don't
know what you mean.

Ossip, sharpen little
technicianski's memory with sword.

Please, don't. I
don't understand.

What are you doing, Olga?
Light of my life, my little future wife.

Forget rhymeski.
She's hiding hot stuff.

I don't know what
she's talking about.

"Hot stuff" is Cossack
translation for radium, my dear.

Well, why didn't she say so?

Well, I am saying so. Now, hand
it over. We want 2 pounds of it.

- It's in the vault.
- Well, then open it...

or I will let Ossip here egg-speriment
with his technique on you.

Yes, sir.

- It's in there.
- Get it.

Is cool. Is not hot.

- Is trick.
- Oh, no. No, no, Olga. No.

This is merely the lead case.

The hot stuff is inside. And
it's plenty hot, I assure you.

Here, I'll take that.

Unh!

Thank you.

OLGA: Carry on.
Carry on, my Cossacks.

[PHONE RINGS]

Commissioner Gordon.

What?

Two pounds of radium?

And you're sure it
was the Cossacks?

All right. Thank you.

Not them Cossacks
again, commissioner.

I'm afraid so, Chief O'Hara.

They've just stolen 2 pounds of radium
from the Gotham City Radium Center.

Radium? What for?

That's a question I intend to put
to the Caped Crusaders. Right now.

[COMPUTER RATTLING]

The Batcomputer's none
too frisky today, Batman.

Yes, it's possible a supply of radium
somewhere in the city has been moved.

And as radio-sensitive as our machine is,
it just possibly could be affected by that.

And it's lucky that you
and Batgirl found us, Alfred.

Otherwise, Robin and Commissioner
Gordon might not be too frisky, either.

Holy understatements, Batman. We
would've been in the soup for good.

[PHONE BEEPING]

Yes, commissioner.

Olga and Egghead have just
stolen 2 pounds of radium, Batman.

From the Gotham
City Radium Center?

Yes. Not 10 minutes ago.

The radium there is type
number six, isotype 14...

worth about $500 an
ounce, commissioner.

The entire theft amounts
to only $16,000...

far below the usual scale
of an Olga-Egghead caper.

That's what worries me.

I'm afraid this is only the first
step in a much larger crime.

We'll come right down.

Let's go, Robin.

What possible purpose could
Olga and Egghead have...

for 2 pounds of radium, Batman?

- I don't know, commissioner.
- What about the water supply, Batman?

Right. Oh, that's a favorite trick of
Gotham City's arch-criminals, Boy Wonder.

No, it would take at least
200 pounds of radium...

to affect the city's water
system, Chief O'Hara.

Perhaps they plan to construct
some sort of a diabolical w*apon.

No, the quantity they've
stolen is hardly enough...

to construct a w*apon of any
size, Commissioner Gordon.

Holy anagrams,
what's the answer?

I feel it won't be long until they
themselves provide us with a clue, Robin.

Oh, I hope you're right, Batman.

Oh, I can just feel them
radioactive gammas and betas...

crawling up on
me right now. Ugh.

NARRATOR: And in the Gotham City Library,
Barbara Gordon has a weighty problem.

BARBARA: Unh!

Talk about heavy reading, Barbara.
This thing must weigh 10 pounds.

It's a rare book on
paleontology, Petula.

Professor Dactyl wanted
me to bring it to his office...

at Gotham City Museum
of Natural History.

You certainly know the ins
and outs of this library, Barbara.

I didn't even know
we had this book.

Well, paleontology used
to be a hobby of mine.

I'll take this to the professor
and come right back.

- I shouldn't be gone more than half an hour.
- All right.

Oh, hello, Miss Gordon. I
see you've brought my book.

- Thank you, my dear.
- Don't mention it, professor.

That's a very
interesting fossil egg.

Yes, a very
interesting specimen.

One of the very few intact
fossil eggs of that era.

- Aren't you afraid someone will steal it?
- Steal it?

Well, who would want
to steal it, my dear?

Well, there's a certain arch-criminal
who has a well-known penchant...

for stealing anything even
remotely connected with eggs.

But it has no commercial value.

An interesting scientific
curio, but hardly worth anything.

Except to the paleontologist.

Perhaps you'd like to see
one of our newest acquisitions.

The fossilized thigh bone of a
female giant saber-toothed tiger...

from Outer Sverdlovia.

Which is just outside
Outer Mongolia.

- I can't wait.
- Come along.

[OLGA GRUNTS]

Was hot behind fossil.

Yes, was also
enlightening, Olga. Heh, heh.

Enlightening? What means
"enlightening," Eggski?

Instructive,
informative, my dear.

That young lady with the
professor thought that I might steal...

the only egg-sisting Neosaurus
egg in the Western world. Heh, heh.

Forty-million years old.

Is probably stale, Eggski,
after 40 million years.

Why bother to take it?

You just leave the
thinking to me, Olga.

And me?

You just look
beautiful, my dear.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Naughty Eggski.

Sometimes you are such gallant.

So now let's dispense with the flattery
and commence with the job, shall we?

But why on earth would anyone want
to steal a Neosaurus egg, Barbara?

I don't know, Daddy, but it's gone. And
I'm sure Egghead's the one who took it.

I agree with you there, but why?

Has he stolen
anything else today?

Well, as a matter
of fact, yes, he has.

He stole 2 pounds of radium from
the Gotham City Radium Center...

not more than an hour ago.

By the way, Barbara, this
information is off the record, of course.

I understand, Daddy.

Thank you for
reporting this, darling.

And assure Professor Dactyl
that we will make every effort...

to get his egg back for him.

Bye.

Why on earth would anyone want to
steal a Neosaurus egg, commissioner?

That seems to be the question
of the day, Chief O'Hara.

- Do you have an answer, Batman?
- Unfortunately, no.

But I'm sure this theft is connected
with his earlier theft of the radium.

But how, Batman?

I think a little session with the
Batcomputer will give us a clue.

We'll be in touch,
commissioner. Let's go, Robin.

Think they can cr*ck
it, commissioner?

If they can't, who can?

Sure and that's the truth.

[COMPUTER RATTLING]

I'm afraid we're not going to get
much help from the Batcomputer, Robin.

It can't go back to
prehistoric times.

This is a problem for good
old-fashioned brain power.

We'll have to think it out.

NARRATOR: While Batman and Robin
puzzle over the problem in the Batcave...

another mind works on the same
problem at the Gotham City Library.

Robin, do you remember
a Professor Willis Grimes?

That radiologist who stayed at
Wayne Manor about six months ago?

Yes. He was here
for a convention.

And at the same time, he was
working on a new technique of irradiation.

I remember something about it,
but it was pretty technical stuff.

I didn't understand much of it.

Yes, it was
complex, but I think...

I think it may be the
clue we're looking for.

- Can you get in touch with him?
- Unfortunately, no.

Professor Grimes is out
of the country right now.

But he did publish an article...

in the Southeastern Regional
Journal of Applied Radiology.

- Yes, sir?
- Alfred, can you locate the most recent issue...

of the Southeastern
Journal of Applied Radiology?

There should be an article in
it by a Professor Willis Grimes.

Just a second, sir.
I'll see if I can find it.

That's it. Professor Grimes.

Petula, does the
library subscribe...

to the Southeastern Regional
Journal of Applied Radiology?

We don't get it anymore.

We had to cancel it last year
when the city council cut our budget.

That's right, I forgot.

I've got to get hold of a copy of it.
Who in Gotham City would have it?

The only person in Gotham City
who subscribes to more periodicals...

than the public library is
millionaire Bruce Wayne.

Excuse me, Barbara. I have someone
waiting for this copy of Robert Frost.

I've located it, sir.

What is the title of
Professor Grimes' article?

[PHONE RINGING]

Just one second, sir. Could you
hold on? The other line is ringing.

Bruce Wayne residence.

Alfred, this is Barbara Gordon.

Does Bruce Wayne receive the Southeastern
Regional Journal of Applied Radiology?

Why, yes. Yes, he
does, Miss Gordon.

Oh, thank goodness.

There's an article in the latest issue
of it written by a Professor Grimes.

Can you give me
the title of that article?

I believe I can.

Alfred, this is just
between you and me.

Of course, Miss Gordon.

I have it here, sir.

I have it here, miss.

The title of the article is:

"Revitalizing Fossil Forms By The Use of
High-Energy Radioactive Energy Sources."

- Thank you, Alfred.
- Thank you, Alfred.

You're welcome, sir, miss.

[SIGHS]

You think Egghead plans to
revitalize that fossil egg and hatch it?

Exactly, Robin.

But that's impossible.

[GIGGLES]

[MACHINE BEEPING]

You are going to hatch
40-million-year-old egg?

It's impossible, Eggski.

That's what they told Fulton,
Edison, and Casanova, Olga.

All we have to do is pour enough radiation into
that egg, and I'm sure we can get it to hatch.

Of course, Grimes' theory hasn't been tested
yet, but I'm sure it'll work. Heh, heh.

And we will have
real live Neosaurus.

Yes, our very own. We'll
control Gotham City...

and that ought to be enough
dowry even for you, Olga.

And then finally,
we can get married.

[OLGA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

You hatch egg, I
will hatch wedding.

Egg-scelent, Olga. Egg-scelent.

And think what those Dynamic Dimwits will
do when they are faced with my Neosaurus.

Did you know that the
Neosaurus has 2562 teeth?

Not counting wisdom teeth.

What is such a
creature eating, Eggski?

Well, I'm planning a
three-course meal for it, yes.

Batman, Robin, and Batgirl.

And for dessert, Commissioner
Gordon and Chief O'Hara.

- Marvelous.
- Ha, ha, ha.

This Bat-geiger counter will
not only pick up radiation, Robin...

but will tell us from
which direction it's coming.

Now that we've adjusted it to react only
to the radium source stolen by Egghead...

we should be able to track down
his headquarters in nothing flat.

- Why didn't we think of this before, Batman?
- Hm.

Hindsight is often better
than foresight, old chum.

Let's go.

[CRACKLING]

You are hearing
anything, Eggski?

Nothing yet. We'll
give it another dose.

I'm gonna keep
zapping it until it hatches.

[CRACKLING]

- I'm getting a reading.
- What direction?

- Northeast. Very close.
- Right.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Batgirl, how did you
learn about the thefts?

I have my own sources, Batman.

So I see. And you decided on the
same method of detection as we did.

My counter indicates the source
of radiation is in that warehouse.

So does ours.

Well, I guess hindsight is
often better than foresight.

I suggest we pay them
a visit, unannounced.

I've always liked
crashing parties.

[BLEEPING]

[EGGHEAD LAUGHS]

You are swimming
up blind alley, Eggski.

- This is all waste of time.
- What do you know about it, Olga?

I'll tell you, I heard something
stirring inside of this shell.

- No kidding?
- Yes, a few more bursts and we'll hatch it. Ha, ha.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

ROBIN: Hatch this, Egghead.

- Little red mal'chik
and Batgirl. ROBIN: No.

Bring her here.

All right, that's
enough, Boy Wonder.

That was a slimy
trick, you rotten egg.

Of course, Batgirl. I have
a patent on slimy tricks.

Wait a minute, Eggski.

Where is malen'kiy Batushka?

Batman? He was probably
too afraid of me to show up.

Only these foolhardy youngsters
are impolitic enough to do that.

Does not sound
like Batushka I know.

That's because you don't
know him as well as I do, Olga.

At heart, he is a coward
in the egg-streme.

Batman has more courage in his little finger
than you have in your whole cowardly body, you...

Quiet, Wonder Midget, or I'll
have you cut off permanently.

Now you all are
about to witness...

one of my greatest triumphs.

Here.

You will observe a
wonder of modern science.

One more burst of radiation...

and that egg will yield a
40-million-year-old Neosaurus.

A hungry Neosaurus,
my little friends.

[EGGHEAD LAUGHS]

[EGGHEAD GRUNTS]

I hear it. I hear it.

The Neosaurus is going to hatch.

Oh...

OLGA: Oh!

[ROARS]

Calm down now, little
Neosaurus. Calm down.

I'm your daddy. I hatched you.

You wouldn't wanna hurt
your daddy now, would you?

[ROARING]

I'm your daddy. Olga
and I are your friends.

Aren't we, Olga?

[OLGA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

EGGHEAD: Yes.

Eat those two. They're
young and tender.

- Da, of course.
- Yum, yum.

[ROARING]

[EGGHEAD & OLGA SCREAMING]

EGGHEAD: Lock the doors,
Chief O'Hara. Lock us in.

[OLGA SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Begorra, I never thought I'd see the
likes of him begging to be locked up.

Take it away.

[ROARING]

If we att*ck it from different sides,
Batgirl, we may be able to subdue it.

Though personally, I think it would rather
eat peanut-butter sandwiches than Gothamites.

Peanut-butter sandwiches?

BATMAN: That's right, Batgirl.

You know your Neosauruses well,
Robin. Peanut-butter sandwiches, it is.

What an ingenious trick, Batman.

Not so ingenious, Batgirl.

It's impossible to hatch an
egg 40 million years old...

but Egghead didn't believe that.
So I used his disbelief against him.

But why, Batman?

Too many Bessarovian
Cossacks around here, Robin.

If I'd joined you in the fight, some
of them might have been injured.

So I arranged for Chief O'Hara to have this
building surrounded. I used my costume to...

[ROARING]

frighten them into
surrendering en masse.

Boy, I'll say.

What about that burst of radiation
that hit the egg when you were inside it?

I was able to protect
myself from the radiation...

by coating the inside of my
costume with a thin lead shielding.

And now that Olga and Egghead
are safely behind iron bars, Robin...

they should have plenty of
time to study their paleontology.

[ROBIN CHUCKLES]

She's gone again.

For once, Batman,
let's follow her.

Well, Robin, with my head sticking
out of this Neosaurus costume...

I might not appear like an
ordinary run-of-the-mill crime-fighter.

You know who was inside
that Neosaurus egg? Batman.

- He sure turns up in some
weird places. BRUCE: Heh, heh.

But how did you know this?

You can't keep a thing
like that a secret, Bruce.

The whole town's talking about
the Caped Crusaders' latest coup.

But how could Batman have
gotten in a Neosaurus egg?

Apparently, he hatched his
own little plot, Chief O'Hara.

[O'HARA & GORDON LAUGHING]

Daddy.

[PHONE RINGING]

Pardon me. Do have
some of my birthday cake.

Hello?

Skip Parker.

I'm out at Gotham
Point, Barbara.

It looks like the surf's really
gonna be up in the morning.

Is there any chance
of joining me?

Oh, I'd love to. And I don't have
to be at work at the library till noon.

Good. We can catch some
really wild combers out here.

Great. Bye.

NARRATOR: But what else is up
at Gotham Point besides the surf?

What else is wild
besides the combers?

Not that heartless
hodad, the Joker.

- Trouble, Joker?
- Oh, none, Riptide.

With the aid of this little
two-way hot-dog transmitter...

I shall shortly be king of the
surf at Gotham Point. Ha, ha, ha.

NARRATOR: Will he? Will this green-haired
gremlin take over the world of surfing...

or will he wind up in the soup?

There's only one way to find
out. Watch the next episode.