03x24 - The Joker's Flying Saucer

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Batman". Aired: January 12, 1966 – March 14, 1968.*
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Series follows on Batman and Robin as they defend Gotham City from its various criminals.
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03x24 - The Joker's Flying Saucer

Post by bunniefuu »

NARRATOR: Night
over Gotham City.

But what else is
over Gotham City?

Not flying saucers.

I'm sorry, sir, but we
know nothing about it at all.

I'm sorry, but we have
absolutely no information, madam.

Yes? I'm sorry, but...

An imminent invasion
from outer space? Ha, ha.

Well, I rather doubt it, miss.

Bonnie, please, hold the rest of the calls.
I can't talk to all of Gotham City tonight.

BONNIE [OVER INTERCOM]:
Yes, commissioner.

But there's a Mrs. Green
out here to see you.

Regarding a man from Mars
she just met in Gotham Park.

All right, Bonnie. Wait a
minute, then send her in.

Now, let me get this straight.

You say by week's end,
the invasion will be complete.

And Gotham City will be overcome,
not only by little men from Mars...

but by virulent living
organisms from outer space?

You can't expect me...

- to take you seriously, Professor Greenleaf.
- I think you should, Ms. Gordon.

And I think your father
should advise all authorities...

to submit to and
comply with the invaders.

Otherwise...

- What is it?
- Look.

There.

[SCREAMS]

Flying saucers are a myth.

A figment of the whole
world's imagination.

But the world's imagination...

and particularly Gotham
City's, is getting out of hand.

What we need is
some experienced help.

But what's this?

NARRATOR: In an abandoned
launching pad factory...

our old nemesis, the Joker,
up to a sinister sky-born caper.

Joker, you are so marvy!

Oh, I was more than marvy
while I was in prison, Emerald.

I was positively inspired...

completing these plans for my flying
saucer, with the help of my cellmate...

a mad scientist who had a
passing penchant for picking pockets.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Plans look great, but what will you
use to build your flying saucer out of?

Oh, don't worry about that,
Shamrock. It'll be made.

And shortly, it'll be speeding
across the skies of Gotham City.

Oh, but not without warning.

Ooh, the rumors I've planted.

Yes, the whispers are flying.

What scuttlebutt is afloat
on my private grapevine.

And, uh, hmm, just what
did this man from Mars...

say to you in Gotham
Park, Mrs. Green?

I don't know. I don't speak Martian,
or Marsish, or whatever you call it.

That's understandable since there
is no life on Mars as we know it.

There can be no
intelligible Marsish language.

Did he thr*aten
you in any manner?

Not exactly thr*aten me,
but he certainly frightened me.

It's not often I run into a...

It's not often I run
into a man 3 feet tall.

- No.
- Three feet tall?

- Holy interplanetary yardstick.
- But he did speak to you?

And then he left in his
flying saucer, Mrs. Green?

- He was out of sight in a split second.
- Mother Machree.

Well, I'm sorry to be so
lacking in details, gentlemen...

but I thought the incident
should be reported.

Of course, Mrs. Green.

It's the duty of every good
citizen of Gotham City...

to report meeting a man
from Mars in a public park.

Gotham City Penal Code
Section 32, Subsection 14.

Yes, thank you for coming.

You're welcome. Goodbye, sonny.

Well, Batman?

She seemed
composed, intelligent...

not given to falsehoods
or hallucinations.

- And vaguely familiar, commissioner.
- Oh?

Perhaps the Batcomputer
can help our lagging memories.

Let's go, Robin.

Daddy? Daddy.

- What's the matter, Ms. Gordon?
- I barely got out of the library alive.

There was this little green man from Mars,
and he was just scampering all over the place.

NARRATOR: But the library isn't the only
place the little green man is scrambling.

And back in the abandoned
launching pad factory...

And scared Commissioner Gordon's
daughter half to death in the library?

While your sister, Mrs. Green, was
equally effective at police headquarters?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, thank you, Professor
Greenleaf, for a job well done.

You'll both certainly earn
your greenbacks tonight.

All of Gotham City has the flying saucer
jitters. And when they see my flying saucer...

How are they gonna see it
if you don't start making it?

Oh, it can be assembled in a matter of hours,
Shamrock. As soon as we get the beryllium.

What is that, poopsie?

One of the lightest metals
in the world, Emerald.

Yes, and the Wayne Foundation is currently
doing research on a huge supply of it.

So we heist this beryllium,
build your saucer and off we go?

No, Chartreuse.

Here we come.
From another planet.

[LAUGHS]

Terrorizing the inhabitants
of Gotham City...

and forcing them and the rest of
the world's population to their knees...

with the demands I shall issue
from my awe-inspiring spaceship.

[EMERALD CHUCKLES]

What are those demands
going to be, poopsie?

Well, what would any green-haired
Martian demand, Emerald?

Complete capitulation, complete
cooperation, complete control.

You and Chartreuse hightail it
down to the Metals Research Wing...

of the Wayne Foundation,
pick up that precious metal.

- Oh, and Emerald.
- Yes, poopsie?

You go along as a decoy.

Create a diversionary tactic...

just in case millionaire Bruce Wayne or
any member of his staff might be there.

[EMERALD CHUCKLES]

- Groovy... poopsie.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I'll wait here.

If anyone should recognize
me at the Wayne Foundation...

the Dynamic
Demagogues might be...

[VERDIGRIS LAUGHING]

Where have you been, Verdigris?

Just spreading little bits of
panic here and there, Joker.

And I saw the Batmobile parked
in front of police headquarters...

so I planted a little green time b*mb under
the dashboard, just like you told me to.

And set it for
midnight, I suppose?

We Martians like to dispose of our
Earthly enemies at the witching hour.

Set for midnight
on the nose, Joker.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Mrs. Green.

- Greenhorn.
- Greenhouse.

- Green thumb. Little green men.
- From Mars.

Of course, I remember now.

Mrs. Green used to be the
front woman for that bunko artist...

who, at one time, was
blackmailing greengrocers.

It's a small
world, isn't it, sir?

It's a small universe, Alfred.

As I suspected, uh, from
the beginning, Robin...

this present Martian
invasion is all a hoax.

Including, somehow, the little
green intruder in the library.

Now what, Batman?

Well, let's see what this new...

Current Criminal Activity
Bat-Disclosure Unit has to disclose.

[BELL DINGS]

"Joker at large.
Manufacturing a flying saucer."

Gosh, Batman. This
machine's almost human.

But not quite human
enough, Robin.

Just what would Joker be
using to make his flying saucer?

Probably one of
the lighter metals.

- Titanium, beryllium...
- Titanium.

Titanium.

The supply of titanium is
very limited in this vicinity.

But isn't there an abundant
supply, sir, of beryllium...

in the Metals Research Wing
of the Wayne Foundation?

- Indeed there is.
- And Joker's just clever enough to know that.

And may be planning
to appropriate it. Alfred.

- Yes, sir?
- There's 15 minutes until midnight.

- I know, sir.
- Pay a quick and casual call...

on the Wayne Foundation
and check on security there.

Robin and I will follow.

But I do not want
our presence known...

until and if the
Joker plays his hand.

At once, sir. You know I find such
an assignment quite a challenge.

I'll advise Commissioner Gordon.

If our suspicions
are right, old chum...

the Joker's terrorizing of Gotham
City will be stopped at once.

Yes, Batman?

The Joker?

The Wayne Foundation?

And you'll handle it yourself?

Well, keep me informed, Batman.

I'll send you any
help you need. Right.

What was that all
about, commissioner?

Well, Batman has
reason to believe...

the Joker is behind this so-called
imminent Martian invasion.

He also suspects the next
development will take place...

in the Metals Research
Wing of the Wayne Foundation.

NARRATOR: So on a night
filled with incredible happenings...

Barbara Gordon makes her own
incredible change into Batgirl...

as the witching hour
arrives in the Batcave.

Alfred should be on his way
by now. To the Batmobile.

[LAUGHING]

What a coup. Ooh,
what an incredible coup.

Well, a mad scientist to help
us assemble my flying saucer.

- If I may correct you, sir...
- You may not correct me.

I know a mad scientist
when I see a mad scientist.

- But I...
- Else why were you...

at the Metals Research Wing
of the Wayne Foundation...

when my men caught
you? Along with Batgirl.

Caught coming in a window.

Maybe we should
find her a window...

in the sky.

- You mean, put her in orbit, Joker?
- Exactly, Shamrock.

Just as we're gonna put
my flying saucer in orbit.

Yes, with the help of this huge supply
of beryllium you heisted. Ha-ha-ha!

And all done with no sign
of Batman or Robin at all.

Hee-hee. Of course, there's no
sign of Batman and Robin, Joker.

Where have you been
this time, Verdigris?

Spreading more panic, Joker.

Police headquarters
is in turmoil.

And the Batmobile is gone
from where it was last parked.

And so are the Caped
Cadavers. Gone forever, Joker.

Thanks to that green
time b*mb I planted.

Oh, joy of joys.
Ecstasy of ecstasies.

[LAUGHING]

Do you suppose there's a
working launching pad left...

in this abandoned
launching pad factory?

Yes, there's one in the launching
pad equipment locker. And some fuse.

Oh, good. While the
countdown begins for Batgirl...

our mad c*ptive scientist
will unpack the beryllium...

and then help me
assemble my flying saucer.

NARRATOR: While back
in the battered Batcave...

[BATMAN GRUNTING]

ROBIN: Batman.

Batman.

Batman, where are you?

Batman? Where are you?

Up here, old chum.

Boy, I'd say we had
ourselves a little blast.

I'd say we had ourselves one
of Joker's lethal time bombs.

No doubt planted by
one of his men from Mars.

[ROBIN COUGHS]

Holy rock garden.

Look, the clock didn't
break. It's almost 8:30.

- We've been out cold over eight hours.
- And apparently so has Alfred been out.

At the Wayne Foundation.

Where Joker and his little green
menaces were going to steal the beryllium.

Do you suppose Alfred has
tried to get in contact with us?

Every receiving device
around here has been broken.

And by all rights, so
should we have been.

Sure, Batman.

If it hadn't been for our Anti-Thermal
Bat T-shirts we've been wearing lately.

- And look, the expl*si*n even knocked...
- Knocked all the phones off the hooks.

Yeah.

Hello?

Oh, there's no
more current, Robin.

Quickly, old chum. We must rig up
an Auxiliary Circuit Bat-regenerator.

Who knows what's
happened to the outside world?

[SIGHS]

Who knows what's happened
to the Caped Crusaders?

I can't seem to locate them
anywhere, Mayor Lindseed.

Do you expect me to report
that to Governor Stonefellow?

To the president? Londinium?
To the United Nations?

This is an emergency,
commissioner.

Flying saucers and men from Mars
don't inv*de our country every day.

Well, at least they've
stopped invading for a minute.

The sky is as clear as a die.

Die? A very poor choice
of words, Chief O'Hara.

That's what we may all be
doing if the Martians return. Dying.

If we can't find
Batman and Robin.

Not to mention Batgirl.

NARRATOR: But
to mention Batgirl...

[JOKER LAUGHING]

This is a unique experience.

I've thrilled many
a woman, Batgirl...

but I never sent one
completely in orbit before.

You shall have company shortly, though,
now that my flying saucer is completed.

Yes. We will take off
immediately after you do.

And we'll wave to you occasionally
as we pass you circling the Earth.

[LAUGHING]

Of course, you will
keep going forever...

while we will circle the
Earth a few more times...

to give everyone a
good look at my saucer...

as they await my ultimate
ultimatum in fear and trembling...

before I return
ruler of the universe.

[JOKER LAUGHS]

This may be my last
attempt to reach you...

[OVER RADIO]...though I've
been trying desperately for hours.

It works. It's Alfred.

ALFRED: The Joker's
about to put Batgirl into orbit...

from the abandoned launching
pad factory on Flying Circus Hill.

Are you talking to
that handkerchief?

No, just dabbing my eyes.

Stronger men than I have
wept at moments like this.

Aw.

[CHUCKLES]

And then he's about to
launch his own flying saucer.

- Holy known unknown flying objects.
- What?

Holy known unknown
flying objects.

Robin, alert the Batcopter
port to ready the Batcopter.

While I tell Commissioner Gordon that
communications have been reestablished.

Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six, five...

four, three, two, one.

Blastoff.

[VERDIGRIS CHUCKLES]

[FUSE SPUTTERING]

JOKER: Ah! The
fuse has gone out.

[CHUCKLES]

That's right, Joker. It's out.

The a*t*matic fuse extinguisher
in my Batgirl utility belt...

will forever keep you
from putting me into orbit.

Oh, untie her. We'll take her
with us in the flying saucer.

And the mad scientist too.

While I push the button that opens
the roof of this launching pad factory.

[LAUGHING]

I don't understand your
language too well, sir...

but I assume you're trying to tell me
the flying saucer is over Petronoviskoff.

Oh. Oh, was over
Petronoviskoff three seconds ago.

Well, thank you,
sir, for calling.

[CHUCKLES]

That was the first
minister of the presidium.

Barbara.

- What?
- What?

I said, Barbara. My daughter.

I wonder what's happened
to her in all this excitement.

NARRATOR: And well might
Commissioner Gordon wonder...

what's happened to his daughter.

[JOKER LAUGHING]

Oh. Look, right over there.

Just a few billion
miles. Saturn.

[LAUGHS]

How did you get mixed up
in a thing like this, Alfred?

My job as millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler
sometimes calls for extracurricular duties.

But, uh, this is going too far.

Activate the Supersonic Decelerating
Contra-Rotating Turbines, Verdigris.

We're getting a little
too close to the sun.

NARRATOR: While back on Earth...

Well, now we've seen
New Auckland. Heh.

Invert the compression
radial ratio.

Energize the tandem ailerons, Verdigris, while
I turn up this Interplanetary Microphone.

[CHUCKLING]

In 46 and three-eighth seconds,
we'll be over Gotham City...

where I will ultimate
my ultimatum.

Mi, mi!

[JOKER CLEARS THROAT]

Yes. Ha, ha.

Whoo! It sure beats walking.

- Any sightings?
- None, but if Alfred's on that flying saucer...

maybe we can reach him on our
Intercosmic Two-Way Thermophone.

[COM DEVICE BEEPING]

I hear you, sir.

Head straight for
Flying Circus Hill.

BATMAN: Flying Circus Hill?

We're just entering the
substratosphere over Gotham City.

I managed to put some homing beryl into the
beryllium this flying saucer is made of.

- It should to head straight back...
- Are you talking to your handkerchief again?

Hmm? Ah, heh.

Just clearing my head.

Altitude, you know.

Oh. Heh.

ROBIN: Good old Alfred.

BATMAN: Yes, I'll head for Flying
Circus Hill. You alert Commissioner Gordon.

Ha-ha-ha! It's time for
my ultimate ultimatum.

Hear this. Now hear this.

[OVER SPEAKERS] All citizens
of Gotham City and the world...

this is the Joker speaking
to you from outer space.

From inner outer space.

[LAUGHING]

Yes, advising you to...

[ALARM BEEPING]

What's the matter, Verdigris?
We've passed the city.

We're headed right
back to Flying Circus Hill...

and the abandoned
launching pad factory.

Oh. Depress the
Aerothermo Turret Resojets.

Accelerate the Isothermal
Oxyacetylene Vaporometers.

- Huh?
- Step on the gas!

This, uh, thingamajig
is stuck here.

But we're headed right
back where we started.

[ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING]

Ooh! Ooh!

Well, at least it was a
soft landing, poopsie.

Yes, but on the wrong planet.

I wanted to rule the world from
Mars. I liked the looks of that place.

Yes, I think you'd be more
comfortable there at the moment, Joker.

[GRUNTING]

[THUDDING]

All right, boys, round them up.

- It looks like you've flown your last saucer.
- But I came close, Batman. I came close.

Close doesn't count.

You'll come much closer
to washing tin saucers...

up at Warden Crichton's
cosmic calaboose, Joker. Let's go.

[JOKER GRUMBLES]

GORDON: Barbara,
where have you been?

Looking all over for you, Daddy.

Bonnie said I might
find you in here.

I took an unexpected little trip, and,
uh, I didn't have time to let you know.

Well, at least the Joker's Martian
invasion has been grounded.

For five to 10 years,
I would imagine.

[BATPHONE BEEPING]

Yes, commissioner?

Spiffany's Jewelry Store?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

What do these
window-shoppers look like?

NARRATOR: What
do they look like?

Who could possibly describe
Dr. Cassandra and her husband Cabala...

eyeing the priceless
Mope Diamond hungrily...

and then disappearing?

No wonder all of
Gotham City is startled...

as you are bound to
be in our next episode.
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