03x24 - Lucy and the Beauty Doctor

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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03x24 - Lucy and the Beauty Doctor

Post by bunniefuu »

Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy!

What? Yeah?

What's the matter?

I thought you were
being electrocuted.

I was dancing!

Oh, you were dancing.

Well, you looked like an
Indian trying to make it rain.

I was listening to the radio.

Oh.

You have some
lipstick on your nose.

Oh, dear.

You've got some
on your ear, too.

Oh! Must have put my
makeup on in a hurry.

Don't you look in the mirror?

In the morning? Are you kidding?

I used to hate to look in
the mirror in the morning,

- but I got over it.
- How?

Well, now that I don't
see so good anymore,

I don't look so bad.

That's funny. I know
what you mean.

And now, ladies,

our morning magazine of the
air turns to the beauty page.

You know, maybe
our worries are over.

Lady Cynthia's going to announce

a new scientific
beauty discovery today.

And now, here is Lady Cynthia

and her beauty tips.

Good morning, ladies.

How would you like to have

your biggest beauty
problem behind you?

That's where mine is now.

Sit down! And be quiet.

This is the new beauty salon

of Dr. Hugo Fleisher, the
famous Viennese beautician.

For only $25,

Dr. Fleisher gives you a
complete beauty treatment

that makes you
look years younger.

He tests your skin with
special vitamins and nutrients

until he finds out exactly
what you are deficient in.

Oh, I know what
we're deficient in.

- What?
- $25.

Oh, Viv!

Gee, I'd love to try that
Dr. Fleisher's treatment.

Well, where are you
going to get the $25?

Well, uh, uh...

Mr. Mooney will be
here this morning.

Mr. Mooney?

Well, he's never refused to
give me money for a doctor.

Doctor?

Dr. Fleisher is a beautician.

Well, but he is a doctor.

Why, Lucille Carmichael.

Well, at least it's the truth.

It's about the least
truth I ever heard.

Oh! -

Mrs. Carmichael?

It's Mr. Mooney. Look,
I'm going to tell him

that I'm going to go to
a doctor for a checkup.

Viv, do I look run-down?

How do I know? I never
saw you at your peak.

Oh, stop!

- Oh.
- Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

I'm sorry I took so long
answering the door,

but I just don't seem
to have any pep lately.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, in that case, I
won't hold things up.

I just dropped by to give you
your weekly allowance check.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Mooney.

And will you please write
me an extra check for $25?

No! Not even with invisible ink!

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, I have
told you time and time again,

I will give you no more money!

But it's not for me, Mr. Mooney.

Just make the check
out to Dr. Hugo Fleisher.

Mrs. Carmichael,
you haven't even spent

the money I just gave you.

Now, you have no idea
the value of... a doctor?

Yes.

Yes, I-I thought I'd
go for a checkup.

Oh, well, for a
thing like that... well,

oh, well, of
course, yes, indeed.

I hope you're not ill.

Oh, no, no, it's
nothing serious.

I've just been feeling a little
run-down lately, that's all.

Well, you know what they
say... Uh, "an ounce of prevention

is worth a pound of cure."

Very sensible, very sensible.

I wish I had become a doctor

now that they're
getting $25 an ounce.

Oh. For heaven's sake.

Yeah, this'll be fine... We
can put the camera in here.

Bennett, bring that camera in.

- Is the microphone plugged in?
- I checked. Excuse me, Doc.

All right, boys, bring
the camera right in here.

We'll hide it in that alcove.

Well, we're all set
up, Dr. Fleisher.

Are you sure this won't be bad

for my business?

Bad?

This will be the greatest
publicity you ever had.

Look, my television
program, The Boiling Point,

- has millions of viewers.
- Millions?

Sure! And this week
on Boiling Point,

we're going to show
just how much abuse

the average woman will
take for the sake of beauty

without losing her
temper, you see?

But if she loses her
temper, I lose a customer.

- No!
- Oh, of course not!

American women are great sports!

- Sure!
- And once we tell them

they're on television,
they go along with the gag.

- -Ah!
- Here comes our first pigeon.

- Go get 'em!
- Right!

Okay, fellas, get that
camera in there, huh?

Now, Doctor, if you'll
just wait in here, please,

- I don't know...
- you can hear everything...

Doctor,

don't worry about a thing!

- The reputation of my clinic...
- Doctor, trust me!

- Right this way.
- Thank you.

Herr Doctor!

Good morning!

Oh, good morning, Doctor.

May I help you?

Well, yes. I-I'm
Mrs. Carmichael,

and I heard on the radio

about your wonderful
beauty discovery,

and that for $25, I could
get a beauty checkup.

Mm-hmm. Do you
have an appointment?

No.

- Do you have $25?
- Yes.

Then you have an appointment.

Thank you.

My assistant,
Hans, will seat you.

- Thank you.
- Please, sit right here.

- Oh, okay.
- Here. Sit down.

Now, "vat" is your problem?

Well, I-I don't really
have a problem.

I just want you to
make me look pretty.

Mm-hmm.

She "vants" us to make...

Hans!

You'll have to forgive Hans.

He's very outspoken.

So you vant me to make
you look pretty, huh?

Yes, sir.

Then I must ask
you how old you are.

Why?

Well, I vant to know how
much time there is left.

What?!

- Ah, yes...
- Please, lady, don't shout!

Now, just sit back and relax.

Please, Mrs. Carmichael,

I'm a very busy man!

Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know
you were going to do that.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael...

Mrs. Carmichael, I do
not pamper my clients.

Now, if you don't want
my beauty consultation,

- then you can just leave.
- Oh, I want it, I want it!

Then zit shtill!

Yes, okay, I will.

Now, ve shall start by first
checking you for classification.

- Yes...
- Classification! Right!

Aha...

Check that.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, this is going to
be a big one here.

Whoa! Yes!

Now, that's not nice.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I
didn't mean to do that.

Yes, after careful study, I have
finally reached a conclusion.

What is it?

Your beauty care comes
under classification D.

Classification D?

Disaster area.

- No!
- Now, just sit back and relax.

You do that once
more, and out you go!

Well, I'm sorry, I just don't...

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, if
you don't want my treatment,

- you can walk out...
- But I want it, I want it!

Then you gotta zit shtill!

Yeah!

Now we try out some of
our famous beauty creams

made out of different
foods and vitamins, hmm?

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

First we will start
with our Italian base.

Yes, sir.

Have you ever noticed
how those Italian vomen

have nice olive
complexions, hmm?

Uh, uh, yes, sir, yes, sir.

And vat is it in their diet that
gives them this complexion?

Olive oil?

- No...
- No?

Tomato paste and
provolone cheese.

Tomato paste and
provolone cheese?

Yes. Hans!

We shall start with the
tomato paste, hmm?

We put a little dab on
the side of the cheeks,

and just a bit there.

Now, Hans...

Hans, vit the cheese!

Cheese!

Already the pores are
nourishing themselves, hah?

Do you feel anything?

No, but I can
smell the provolone.

And now...

now we try our protein.

Hans!

- Wh-what's that?
- Tuna fish.

Tuna fish?

Mmm, the oil does
vonders for the shkin, hmm?

Oh.

That's right.

Wunderbar! Wunderbar!

How's that?

Well, at least I can't smell
the provolone anymore.

And now...

our most famous
combination formula,

guaranteed to give every woman
a peaches-and-cream complexion.

Oh, what is it?

Peaches and cream.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

Mm-hmm. Hans, first the peaches!

Peaches!

There we go.

Open your mouth!

Now, Hans, make vit the cream.

The cream! Right!

Good!

Vun more time, Hans!

- Vun more time?
- Vun more time!

All right!

We told you not to do that!

What's the big idea?!

Stop! Stop, gentlemen, stop!

Now, there's nothing to
get upset about, Dr. Fleisher.

Dr. Fleisher?!

This joke has gone far enough!

- Joke?
- Yeah, sure, it was all a joke.

- You see, we were just...
- It was a joke?

- Yeah, it was a joke!
- What do you mean, it was a joke?

Mrs. Carmichael...

Congratulations!

We found your boiling point!

You found my what?

Your boiling point.

Mrs. Carmichael, you're
on television. Look!

- I'm on what?
- Television.

Oh! Oh, for heaven's sake!

Oh, I must look a sight.

Hello, Viv.

Hello, Jerry, Chris and...

- Oh...
- Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

if you'll just sign
this release...

- I had no idea.
- You'll receive

a five-year supply of flypaper.

- Oh, thank you. Yes.
- Right there.

I had no... I must look awful.

I must say, Mrs. Carmichael,
you've been a wonderful sport.

- Right, Pete?
- Well, thank you, thank you.

Oh, she was better than
the one we had last week.

Yeah.

Excuse me, Mrs. Carmichael,

now I will give you a
real beauty treatment.

Please, um, I'm
sorry about all this.

Oh, that's all right... I rather
enjoyed it, if you must know.

Oh, well, come on.

Ah... we did it again!

Lucy, you look
absolutely beautiful.

Oh, Viv, stop exaggerating.

Even Dr. Fleisher
can't make a silk purse

out of a sow's ear.

He did, too.

Oh, Viv, do you really
mean what you said?

Yes, for the tenth time,
you look absolutely beautiful.

Well, I think it's the
best $25 I ever spent.

You mean it's the best $25

you ever wheedled
out of Mr. Mooney.

And you got a five-year
supply of flypaper!

Yeah, how about that.

- That's something.
- I'll get it.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

Good... good afternoon,
Mrs. Carmichael.

- What a surprise.
- Hello, Mr. Mooney.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Bagley.

Well...

Mrs. Carmichael,
I got to thinking

about your going to
the doctor for a checkup,

and, well, I became rather
concerned, and you're...

Uh, here.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, and candy.

Well, now, there's
no reason for concern.

A lot of people go for checkups.

Oh, I know, I know,
but you're different.

Yes. Well, I-I mean,

I just never could think
of you as being sick.

Oh.

Physically, that is.

Oh, Viv, would you put these
in water so they'll stay fresh?

Yes, and I'll open the
candy so it won't get stale.

Oh, well, that's not...

Oh, won't you sit
down, Mr. Mooney?

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

My goodness.

I didn't realize that you
could be so sentimental.

Why, Mrs. Carmichael, just
because I deal in cold cash

doesn't mean that
I have a cold heart.

Oh, well, of course not.

Well, it's a wonderful
thing to know

that you are the kind of person

who can understand
how somebody else feels.

Yes. Oh, my! I have
to get back to the bank.

- Oh, you have to leave so soon?
- Yes.

Good-bye, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, good-bye, Mr. Mooney.

Good-bye, Mrs. Bagley.

Bye, Mr. Mooney.

Put those down.

Mrs. Carmichael?

Yes?

I do hope you can forgive me
for some of the unkind things

I might have said
to you in the past.

'Cause when I
thought of the possibility

of you being ill, I was
overcome with remorse.

Oh.

I realized I shouldn't
blame a woman like you

just because you don't
know anything about finance

and budgets and economy.

After all, you can't
help being stupid.

Oh.

You know, Viv, Mr. Mooney
does have a good heart.

I wonder how good
his heart will be

if he finds out that
Dr. Fleisher's a beautician.

Suppose he sees
you on television.

Yipe!

He can't see me on television!

What am I going to do, Viv?

Well, you're just going
to have to keep them

from showing the
show, that's all!

I got to go see that
Mr. Patterson right away.

Yeah, you go see him now, Lucy.

Come on, you better hurry, too.

Now, if he gives
you any arguments,

you stick up for
your rights, now.

Tell him that you will sue him!

Oh, I wouldn't want
to do a thing like that.

I want to be real nice, Viv.

You know, you can
catch more flies with honey

than you can with vinegar.

Who needs honey?

We got a five-year
supply of flypaper.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Carmichael,

but your show is scheduled
to go on the air this Thursday.

But, Mr. Patterson, I
have very personal reasons

for not wanting to
be seen on television.

Can't you understand?

I'm sorry, there's
nothing I can do about it.

Ugh!

If there's nothing
you can do about it,

then I am going to get a lawyer.

- Lawyer?!
- Yes.

Oh, wait a minute.

Remember this piece of paper?

What's that?

It's our signed agreement

for your appearance
on our television show.

I signed that?

Mm-hmm, you sure did.

- Well, then, I want it right now.
- Uh-uh-uh.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

you signed this of
your own free will.

- But, Mr. Patterson...
- And I'm afraid

there's nothing we can...

- Patterson, Mr. Patterson...
- Excuse me.

Yes?

Say, we just ran a rough
timing on Wednesday's show.

Yeah, how'd it time out?

Well, we're about
a minute short.

Does that include
the last commercial?

Including everything,
we're still a minute short.

Well, we'll just
have to dream up

some kind of a funny finish
that runs about a minute.

Okay, when do you
want to get together?

Yeah, how about tonight?

My wife's out of town.

Maybe we can go
someplace for dinner, huh?

Name it.

Hey, how about that
French restaurant,

the, uh, Cancan À Gogo?

Yeah, where the waitresses
are dressed like cancan dancers?

Uh, yeah, but I go there
because the food is excellent.

You sly dog.

First day she leaves,
you're going to start...

Uh, Pete, I-I have
someone in the office.

I'll call you back.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
it's not the intention

of our show to embarrass anyone,
but you did sign an agreement.

Mr. Patterson, really,
can't you believe me?

- I cannot be seen on television.
- Mrs. Carmichael,

I don't have time
to argue with you.

I've got to get this
to the film editor.

Oh.

Oh, are you still here,
Mrs. Carmichael?

I-I for... I was
looking for my gloves.

Well, don't forget to
watch the program.

I'd like to hear from
you after the show.

Oh, well, you may hear
from me before the show.

Hey, Pete, remember
that Mrs. Carmichael?

You mean the kooky
redhead in the beauty shop?

Yeah.

I just got some more film on her

stealing back her agreement.

What?!

Yeah!

Why, that's the sneakiest
thing I ever heard of!

- How dare you do a thing like that!
- Now, Mrs...

How dare you do
a thing like that!

Aha! We found it again!

You found what again?

Your boiling point!

Oh! Oh.

Good work, fellas.

Well, you may think
you had the last laugh,

but you cannot put
me on that program

without my written permission,

and I have that.

Mm-hmm, and our legal
department has 12 photostatic copies.

Oh, we got it again!

Oh! Oh!

Go on!

Window washer.

Hey, what happened to Joe?

Uh, Joe?

Yeah, our regular window washer.

Oh, he's-he's not here today.

Hey, I bet I know what happened.

His wife had that baby, right?

Yeah.

Boy or girl?

Oh, it was a boy.

Hey, that's great!

Here.

Huh?

- To Joe's boy.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, go ahead.

They're imported.

50 bucks a box.

I always say there's...

there's nothing like
a good cigar, huh?

Especially a good
cigar like this.

It makes you feel so
relaxed, you know?

Mmm.

So content.

So masculine.

You know, cigar smoking's
about the only thing

that women haven't taken up yet.

But give them enough time,

they'll probably
catch onto that, too.

You a regular cigar smoker?

Oh, yep, yep, yep,
uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess you
guys can afford it, huh?

You make pretty good money.

But you earn it.

I wouldn't hang out that
window for a million dollars.

Bonjour, monsieur, bonjour.

Bonjour.

Who are you?

Ah, my name is Gigi.

I work at the Cancan À Gogo.

Oh?

I, uh... I had dinner
there last night.

Oui, I found this
under your table.

Well, thanks a lot, but,
uh, these aren't mine.

Oh, I thought they belonged
to you, Mr. Patterson.

Hey, how did you know my name?

Oh, from the television.

I recognize you
in the restaurant.

Oh, did you wait on me?

Ah, no, but next time,

maybe you sit at Gigi's table.

N'est-ce pas?

Well, sure.

I'm having dinner
there again tonight.

I'll ask for you.

Oh, merci, merci.

You know, Mr. Patterson,

you're even more handsome,

more handsome in person

than you are on television.

Well, thanks a lot.

Well, would you
like a cup of coffee?

Oh, c'est magnifique.

Uh, how do you like your coffee?

Noir or au lait?

How's that?

I guess my French
isn't very good.

Well, we can't be good
all the time, can we?

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I'm so fascinated
by your, uh...

- coffee.
- Oh.

Oh, you like?

Well, then, maybe you
get Gigi on TV, huh?

- Well...
- I sing.

- Oh?
- Yes.

♪ When love comes in ♪

♪ And takes you for a spin ♪

♪ Oh, la, la, la ♪

♪ C'est magnifique ♪

♪ When every night your
loved one holds you tight ♪

♪ Oh, la, la, la ♪

♪ Oh, c'est magnifique ♪

♪ Oh, la, la, la ♪

♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪

♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪

♪ So when love walks in... ♪

What was that?

Turnabout is fair play!

- You!
- Yes.

And now let's see how
much of a good sport you are.

Mrs. Carmichael,
this is the worst trick,

the most unethical thing

I've ever heard of!

Congratulations.

We just found
your boiling point.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, look,

if-if my wife sees
that picture...

Uh-huh.

- I mean, I just couldn't...
- Uh, exactly.

She won't understand what it...

Yeah, I know. I know.

All right, you win.

- Here's the film we took of you.
- Thank you.

Now give me the
picture you took of me.

- We can't.
- Well, why not?

Because there's no
film in the camera.

No film?!

You mean you didn't
take a picture of me?

Of course not. That
wouldn't be nice.

♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la. ♪
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