03x26 - Lucy the Disc Jockey

[bunniefuu]

- Oh!
- Come on now, Viv.

All I want you to do is
listen to the radio with me.

Oh, but I wanted to sleep late.

This is important, Viv.

Listening to the radio?!

I want you to help
me win a contest

Oh, Lucy, I'm sleepy.

Oh, Viv, please, please.

Sit down now. I'll
give you some coffee.

Okay, bring it up to my bed.

Viv! Will you please sit down?

Now this will only
take a little while.

You know, you
wouldn't be so tired

if you didn't stay up
all night looking at TV.

I don't know why you watch
that late, late show anyway.

You've already got a used car.

You know how I love those
James Cagney movies.

This is the best
one he ever did.

This is the one where
he pushed that grapefruit

into his girlfriend's face.

Boy, they don't make love
scenes like that anymore.

Uh-oh. It-It's, uh...

It's time to get
ready for the contest.

Hurry up. Get ready.

Howdy, howdy, all
you happy housewives.

This is Gordy Felson,
and it's contest time.

Oh, it's contest time.

Shh! Viv, now be
quiet. Concentrate.

Close your eyes, so you
can really hear the sound.

I'm now going to play
the mystery sound.

It's a noise you
lovely lady listeners

can find right there
in your kitchen.

To the first person who calls in

and correctly
identifies the sound,

station WLDJ will
award a cash prize of $25

and the honor of being
Disc Jockey for a Day

right here in our
sensation of a station...

So glue those ears
to the radio, girls.

Here... Here... Here it
comes... The mystery sound.

Identify it and win. Ready?

Ready.

There it was.

Now just give me
a call and that's all.

And now back to the
swing sounds of Jan Garber.

All right, all
right, what was it?

I don't know.

Uh, well, let's
figure it out now.

It was sort of a whir.

We must have one of those
around here some place.

Yeah. Which draw do
you keep the whirs in?

Oh, now, Viv, I'm serious.

I can use that $25,
and I... and I want to...

I want to work at the
radio station for a day.

It might lead to bigger
things, you know.

Well, is that any reason to
tear apart our whole kitchen?

Wouldn't it just be easier

to borrow the money
from Mr. Mooney?

Mr. Mooney?!

No, I guess you better
tear apart the kitchen.

Maybe it's a blender.

No, I don't think
that's it. I don't think so.

- No?
- No.

Maybe it's the washing machine.

Now you listen.

Okay.

What's that sound like, Viv?

Sounds like you're
milking a cow out there.

What could it be?

Maybe it's a...

Maybe it's-it's a
Kn*fe sharpener.

Kn*fe in an electric
Kn*fe sharpener.

No, that isn't it.

Egg beater.

Look, now, listen...
listen, Viv... egg beater.

Lucy!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's got my hair.

Unbeat it.

I'm sorry.

Oh!

Sorry, Viv.

I...

I'm sorry.

I don't think that's it, either.

Maybe it was something
simple, like water running.

Oh, if it was that simple,
everybody would guess it.

Well, you know, they could
have taken some small noise

and amplified it
on the microphone.

The egg timer.

The egg timer...?

Yeah! The sound of sand
falling in the egg timer.

Now listen, Viv.

Do you hear anything?

Yep... Lawrence of
Arabia calling for help.

That is the silliest
thing I ever heard of.

Oh!

What kind of a sound
would that be anyway?

This is just... It's
all silly, Lucy...

I know. The garbage disposal.

Uh, buh, buh, buh, bup now.

Did you have the plumber fix it?

No, I didn't have
the plumber fix it.

I fixed it myself.

Oh.

I'll try these eggshells.

What did that sound like?

Eggshells.

Well, I'll try some
other kind of garbage.

Oh, dear, the pail is empty.

How do you like that?

Garbage all over the place,

and when you want
some, you can't find any.

Viv, go next door
and borrow some.

You want me to go next door

and ask to borrow
a cup of garbage?

Why not? We'll give it back.

Well, I'm just not gonna do it.

They've never
borrowed any from us.

Maybe it's the garbage
disposal with nothing in it.

Let's see how that sounds.

Oh...

What can I put in now?

I'm terribly sorry, Viv.

Gee, Viv, I'm sorry.

I-I fixed it. I-I...

I'm just terribly sorry.

Are you still at that?

Well, I thought maybe

if I just kept on banging
and scraping at things,

I could, you know, sort
of stumble on the sound.

- Come on, help me.
- Ah... Oh, sure.

Now, this is... this is like,

you know, like
you stir a potato.

Does that sound like it?

Nope, not a thing like it.

Well, you wouldn't
do that anyway.

That's not an
ordinary kitchen sound.

When did you ever do
anything in the kitchen like that?

Well, it's found in the
kitchen, for heaven sake.

Hey! Hey! How about that?

Oh, that's too loud, isn't it?

Go softly. Go softly at it.

How's this? Let's do this.

No, not a good rub...

You know, if you
did this long enough...

Well!

- Hi, Mr. Mooney.
- Hi.

I just stopped by to give you
your weekly allowance check,

but I didn't expect to interrupt
a Spike Jones rehearsal.

Well, if you would allow me

a bigger allowance, I wouldn't
have to try and win money.

Win?

Yes. The Mystery
Sound Contest on WLDJ.

If you guess the
sound, you win $25,

and you might get to be
a disc jockey for a day.

I haven't heard anything so
ridiculous since "Mrs. Hush."

Here's the money.

One nice thing about getting a
check from you, Mr. Mooney...

I can cash it on any bus.

Well, I'm not going
to stand around

and have my fiduciary
efforts ridiculed.

- Oh...
- Good day, ladies.

Aw, come on, Mr. Mooney.

Would you like to help us?

Me, participate in that
housewives hootenanny?

No, thank you.

- No. Good-bye.
- Good-bye, Mr. Mooney.

Come on, let's get
back to the contest.

Oh, Lucy, haven't we
wasted enough time?

Well, you know something,

it's probably an offbeat sound.

I got one more hunch.

You know the weird
sound that an ice tray makes

when you pull it out
of the refrigerator?

No, I don't think that's it.

Well, now, how do you know?

Oh...

Oh, boy.

Come on, help me. It's stuck.

Oh, boy, it's frozen solid.

I told you to
defrost that thing.

Getting that tray out
of there'll be worse

than trying to pull teeth.

Well, now, I just bet that
that's the mystery noise.

You know that scrunching sound
it makes when you pull it out?

Well, if you think so, and
you're so sure about it,

call him up and tell him.

Oh, no, no, no. You're
only allowed one guess.

I got to be absolutely positive.

Well, you'll never get
that thing out of there.

Oh, yes, I will.

Well, you've really
flipped your wig.

I have not.

This is just perfect.

I'm just gonna slam this door,

and the ice tray
will come flying out.

Just like pulling teeth.

Don't you think we ought

to give it a sh*t
of Novocain first?

No.

Now you stay in here and
listen to the sound it makes.

Okay.

I think we're gonna
find the mystery sound.

All right, now here I
go... One, two, three.

That wasn't it!

Come on. Help me
clean this mess up.

And pull that plug out

before something else
horrible happens around here.

Oh, Viv, I'm sorry. I...

Oh! This mystery...

I didn't mean to do it.

Oh, dear heavens.

Oh, my... Oh, we'll
never get this cleaned up.

Did you hear what I heard?

- Plug that in again.
- Plug it in.

Do it again. Do it again.

- All right, you ready?
- Yup...

- You ready to listen?
- Yup.

Viv, that's it! The
mystery sound!

Yup, that's it. That's it.

- That's it.
- You got it.

- That's it.
- That's it.

It's... It's the unplugging
of a refrigerator.

Oh, Operator, I'm sorry.

Give me station
WLDJ. Quickly, please.

Well, congratulations

on correctly identifying
our mystery sound

as a refrigerator going off.

Well, thank you.

The way I wrecked
my refrigerator,

it may never go on again.

Well, a Gordon Felson
contest is never an easy contest.

No.

Now why don't you
just have a seat?

Thank you.

The other winner
will be here shortly.

Other winner?!

Yes. The-The-The other listener
called up on another phone

at the same time you did,
so I had to consider it a tie.

Just my luck... a one-man
station with two phones.

Funny! Funny! Funny!

Well, am I supposed to
split the money or something?

Oh, no, no, no.

A Gordon Felson
contest never ends in a tie.

- We're going to have a playoff.
- What's a playoff?

Well, I'll explain that to you
when the other winner gets here.

Oh.

Oh, hello, Mr. Mooney.

Hello.

You know the other winner?

Other winner?!

You?!

You said this contest was silly.

I said it was silly for you.

I didn't say anything about me.

Well, I'm not going
to have a playoff

with this banking
Benedict Arnold.

It's not fair. I
gave him the idea.

Well, now, please,
please, please.

We-We don't have
time to-to argue.

- But Mr. Felson...
- No, no. Now, listen.

They don't call me
Fair Felson for nothing.

I mean, Mr. Mooney did
have the correct answer,

so we must have a playoff.

How'd you ever guess
the mystery sound?

I was defrosting
the refrigerator.

Doesn't your wife
usually do that?

Yes, but she was
out chopping wood.

Well, now, in order to be fair,

we'll have announcing
contest to, uh, to break the tie.

An announcing contest?

Uh, my voice against hers?

Well, that's like Walter
Cronkite versus Donald Duck.

Oh, just a minute, Mr. Mooney,

I talk pretty good.

Mrs. Carmichael,

you do not "talk good."

You just talk constantly.

Oh!

If-If you two happy
winners are ready,

I'll hear you both now.

Well, now, I do the
Gettysburg Address,

Hamlet's soliloquy, Edgar
Allan Poe's "The Raven"...

Uh, well I can do "Twinkle,
Twinkle Little Star,"

uh, "Little Bo Peep"
and "Tubby the Tuba."

None of that'll be necessary...
You just have to say

- what's on the card here.
- Oh, I see.

"Big, black, rubber
baby buggy bumpers"?

That's right.

It's a standard
disc jockey test.

And the one who says it the
fastest and the clearest wins.

Just say what's on
the piece of paper

three times fast and clear.

Big, black, rubber baby
baby bikers... baggers.

Big, black, ragga-bagga,
booga-biggy-bee.

Big, black,
baggy-biggy-biggy-boogas...

He didn't do it!
He didn't do it!

All you could understand
was when he cleared his throat!

Well, uh, here, you
try, Mrs. Carmichael.

Uh, "Big, black, rubber
baby buggy bumpers."

"Big, black, rubber
baby buggy bumpers."

"Big, black, rubber
baby buggy bumpers."

- I won! I won! I won!
- Perfect! Perfect!

I won! I won!

I did it perfectly!

No, no, no, look,
look, two out of three.

- Two out of three, huh?
- Oh, that's not fair!

No, I'm afraid Mrs.
Carmichael won.

- Yes, I won!
- Yes, she won.

I see. Well, I suppose

I'd better be getting
back to the bank.

I have a lot of work to do.

Like reviewing the mortgage
on this radio station, hm?

Oh! Wait! No, wait!
No, come here.

Maybe-maybe we can give
Mr. Mooney another chance.

That's not fair!

Here, here, try the
same thing with this one.

"Red leather, yellow
leather," three times fast.

That's easy.

Red leather, yella-lella.

Red lella, lalee...

Red letha, yella letha...

"Red leather, yellow leather."

"Red leather, yellow leather!"
"Red leather, yellow leather!"

- I did it!
- Perfect!

I won again! I won again!

Well, now, do you think you
know where everything is?

Well, I certainly know that
that's the right turntable,

that is the master switch,
that is the amplifier,

this is the, uh...

selectivity switch,
whatever that is.

And, of course, I know
that's the microphone.

- Right.
- This is the volume control,

these are all the
baseball cues...

Yeah, that's right.
The sound effects here,

they'll help you dramatize
the baseball game.

Yep. And I know
that's the left turntable.

Right. And that's
the audio control

- of the left turntable.
- Yep, right.

And this is the tape
machine for the commercials.

The commercial for
Spangle Soda Pop!

Right, Spangle...
They're our big sponsor,

and they pay all the bills here.

I know it, I know, I know.

Just flip this
switch right here.

- Okay.
- That's it.

Well, it all looks pretty easy.

Looks to me like this
place practically runs itself.

Right. We're hooked
into the network now,

but you'll be going
on in a few minutes.

- Uh-huh.
- So here's a rundown of the show.

- You just follow this schedule.
- Oh. Thank you.

What's that?

That's the, uh, that's the
news teletype, remember?

Oh, yes, yes, the teletype
for the news bulletins.

That's it.

Well, I guess I can take off.

This being a one-man
station and me being that man,

well, this is the first day
off I've had in nine years.

Good luck.

- Have a nice day.
- All right.

- I'll see you later.
- Okay, and don't you worry

about a thing... I got
everything under control.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Bye.

Well...

The right turntable
and the master switch.

The amplifier and
selectivity switch.

And the...

Haven't got a note on that one.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh, not all my little papers!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh!

Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

Well, now I know what
turns on the electric fan,

but I don't know anything else!

What's that?

I'm on the air!

I'm on the air! Uh...

R-R-Rubber, baby buggy
bumper-rumper-bumper!

Baby rubber bug...

Hello out there.
Hello out there.

This is, uh, this is,
uh, uh... uh, Lucy!

Lucy the disc jockey,
saying hello out there.

Hello... Hello to all of
you people in radio land...

way out there.

Uh, uh, I'm going to... I'm
going to be here all day,

uh, with all of
your favorite tunes,

from rock to Rachmaninoff.

But, uh, first a word
from our sponsor...

Spangle Soda Pop.

Oh, uh... commercial
on the tape.

Spangle Soda Pop

has the sweet taste of...

taste of nature let's your
whole... mouth... sparkle.

Yes, sir, Spangle Soda Pop.

You-You really
should... drink that stuff.

And now for some music.

Well... you know what?

I-I bet you I'm gonna break
a few records here today!

Uh, uh, uh...

Uh...

Uh, uh...

Oh, uh, here's that
wonderful song...

Uh...

Oh, no wonder, it's
a Dean Martin album.

Now I know how
Dean Martin feels.

Oh!

Uh, we-we interrupt this program

to bring you a traffic
advisory bulletin.

All the alternate routes
are heavily congested.

Please use the freeways!

Well, that's what it says.

Uh, and now, uh, uh...

and now, folks, we bring
you a... a spot announcement.

Spot announcement?

Well, now, thank you, Spot.

And now for a little music.

Uh, where's the phone?

Oh.

Hello?

Oh, hello. Station WLDJ,
Lucy the disc jockey speaking.

Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir,
we play request numbers.

Yes, well, let me
write it down, sir.

All right, now.

Yes, you'd like me to play
a request number for Hilda.

Oh, Hilda and Babs.

Uh-huh.

And Jan?

Oh. Hilda, Babs and Jan.

And Ella. Uh-huh.

And Molly, Dottie
and Roselle and Mimi.

Mimi?

Yeah, like Eisenhower.

Yeah.

And Mildred and
Doris and Nora...

Yeah, yeah, a-and Emma...

Uh-huh. Mary Ann and Evelyn

and Sadie and... Emma.

That the same Emma
you just mentioned?

Oh, oh, this one's a redhead.

I see. And Sue Ellen.

Yeah, yeah, that's
one name, I know.

Yeah, and Gertrude and Estelle

and Joan and Connie and Sylvia.

Aha.

Well! And what number
would you like me to play, sir?

"You're the One for Me"?

I'll be very happy to
play your request, sir.

You've gotta be kidding!

"You're the One for Me"?

"You're the One for Me"?

Uh, I-I can't find
"You're the One for Me,"

but here's a good one.

Yes, sir, you're gonna love it!

Yes, it's Bing Crosby
Sings Stephen Foster.

There we are.

Rum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪

♪ Stephen Foster... ♪

Uh...

What was that?

Oh! The baseball game!

Oh, yes sirree, folks,
a baseball game!

We're in the ninth
inning of the ball game.

Now, both pitchers have
no-hit games going for 'em.

And the score is
nothing to nothing,

so you haven't missed
anything yet, really.

Uh, and Maury
Thompson is at bat!

Now, here comes the pitch...

and...

it's a hit!

Ooh, a hit. A hit.

It's a hit.

Well, now, I told
you it was a hit!

And listen to that crowd roar!

Crowd roar.

Yes, sir, listen to
that crowd roaring!

Now Thompson has rounded
first and is running for second!

Running for second... Running.

Yeah, boy, he's
really runnin', folks!

Uh, a-and it's gonna
be a close play,

and-and Thompson
slides into second base.

Slide. Slide.

Well, uh, now, it
sounds like, uh,

he slid into second base but
he left his pants at first base.

Uh, the umpires
call Thompson out,

and Thompson is furious!

He is arguing with the umpire!

Arguing with the umpire.

He's having a
little horse radish.

I mean, a-a rhubarb.

Arguing... Arguing.

It's, uh... they're having
a terrible argument!

Where's the switch?

Oh!

Help!

We're having a little
technical difficulty!

And now...

I have another request number.

♪ I'm dreaming of a
white... Christmas... ♪