04x03 - Lucy in the Music World

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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04x03 - Lucy in the Music World

Post by bunniefuu »

Starring Lucille Ball.

Well, your application
seems quite satisfactory,

Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, thank you.

But I must warn you
that most secretaries

find the record
business a little hectic.

Oh, not me.

The hectic-er, the better.

Then you think you can function
in our mad, mad, mad, mad world?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You do take shorthand?

How short?

How's that?

Well... you see, I have
my own shorthand.

It's not as short as shorthand,

but it's shorter than longhand.

It's about medium.

Well, that's encouraging.

Yeah, well, I get
shorter as I go along.

You want to take a chance on me?

Yes, I certainly will.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

- When do I start?
- Right now.

Right now?

Oh... oh... well, I didn't
expect to start today.

Well, you just make
yourself comfortable.

Well, thank you.

Take your time.

Now, are you, uh, ready?

Yes, sir.

Gentlemen...

- Mrs., uh, Mrs. Carmichael...
- Yes, sir?

It takes that long to
write "gentlemen"?

Oh, no, I'm also writing
a letter to my aunt.

But-but only when
you pause to think.

It doesn't interfere
with your letter.

I am most pleased,
and wish to thank you

for your cooperation...

Well, after all, that's my job.

I was dictating.

Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

For your cooperation in
making this a banner year

for the Pop Record Company.

- Dear.
- What's the matter?

Oh, I always have trouble
spelling "Schenectady."

Schenectady?!

That's where my uncle is.

Well, who cares
where your uncle is?!

My aunt does!

She's looking for him.

- Uh, Mrs. Carmichael...
- Yes, sir?

Mrs. Carmichael, this is
your first day on the job...

I don't want to
make this your last.

Oh, Mr. Miller,
you couldn't do that.

Why not?

I already told my
aunt how nice you are.

Is it all right if I go on?

Oh, yes, sir.

As you know, I am
currently producing

a new television musical
show called Wingding...

- Wingding?
- Wingding.

Which features our
top recording artists.

Our first show will premiere
tomorrow night at 8:00.

If you have any suggestions,
I'll be happy to hear from you.

8:00 tomorrow night
sounds good to me.

I wasn't just talking to you!

Oh.

I'm sorry, sir.

Anything else?

Uh, just sign that "Yours
truly, Barney Miller."

Oh, yes, sir.

- Oh... uh, Mr. Miller?
- Hmm?

Uh, this closing, "Yours
truly, Barney Miller,"

is that with two L's?

M-I-L-L-E-R.

I meant in "truly."

One "L."

Oh, I've got an extra "L" in it.

So change it.

Yeah, when I type
it, I'll get the "L" out.

Oh, Mr. Miller, is this
where you do the show?

Yes, Mrs. Carmichael.

Golly! I never
thought I'd have a job

where I'd get paid
for watching a show!

Well, this is just
a dress rehearsal.

Well, I think that's
the most exciting part.

You know, I'll bet that the
people who watch television

just haven't any idea
what we go through

to put a show on.

Look! Isn't this thrilling?

All the colored lights

and the scenery and the
wires and the people and...

When you've been
around it all your life,

you don't even
notice those things.

Yeah.

What were you
saying, Mr. Miller?

Nothing.

Oh, there's our emcee!

- Hi, Foster.
- Hi, Mr. Miller.

- Everything under control?
- All set.

We're just going
into dress rehearsal.

Oh, I'd like you to meet my
secretary, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Hi.
- How do you do?

Oh, Mr. Miller, we need a copy

of our theme song for
the music department.

We need to get clearance on it.

Well, my secretary'll
take it down.

- Yes, sir.
- Fine. Okay, places, everybody,

for dress rehearsal.

Bring the curtain down.

Did you bring your
shorthand book?

I got it right here.

Now, when the song starts,

you take the lyrics
down word for word.

- Yes, sir.
- Music!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We're gonna have a wingding ♪

♪ A really swingin' wingding ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Tonight we're gonna have
the wingingest wingding ♪

♪ That's ever been wung ♪

♪ The dingingest wingding
that's ever been dung ♪

♪ Ring-a-dinga, ting-a-linga ♪

♪ Zing-a-ringa,
bing-a-bang-a, wingding! ♪

Good evening, everybody.

Welcome to Wingding.

Tonight Wingding
presents the Six Bare Feet!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ We're gonna have a wingding ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh! ♪

- ♪ A really swingin' wingding ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Oom-papa-dapa-da ♪

♪ Walla-walla ♪

♪ Yappa-yappa-zoozy ♪

♪ Walla-walla, now, wingding! ♪

Now on Wingding,
the Torch Bearers!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We're gonna have a wingding ♪

♪ A really swingin' wingding ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Tonight we're really
gonna cry you a river ♪

♪ Stomp up a storm ♪

♪ Tear out our hair ♪

♪ All this is normal ♪

♪ 'Cause we're
the Torch Bearers ♪

♪ And we're at Wingding! ♪

A group that'll do away
with the Beatles... the DDTs.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We're gonna have a wingding ♪

♪ A wingding ♪

♪ A really swingin' wingding ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Tonight's the night you'll
find us packing a g*n ♪

♪ Like Double-Oh-Seven ♪

♪ Gonna send these other
groups to rock and roll heaven ♪

♪ Wingding ♪

♪ And we'll wing
and we'll ding ♪

♪ We'll swing and we'll sing ♪

♪ And we'll ring-a-ding-ding
and go ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪

♪ Swing, sing, ring, ding,
polly-wolly, bing-bing ♪

♪ Wingding! ♪

Thank you.

Thank you, boys and girls.

That was a wonderful
dress rehearsal.

Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Uh, Mrs. Carmichael,

- Yes, sir?
- Did you get all...

Did you get all that down?

Oh, yes, sir,
yes, sir. I think so.

Fine. Would you mind
reading it back to me?

Oh, yes, sir.

Would you hold
on to that please?

Surely.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

"We're gonna have a wingding,

"a real swingin'
wingding tonight.

"We're gonna have a wingding,

a real swingin'
wingding tonight."

♪ We're gonna have a
ring-a-ding-a-ding time ♪

♪ Ring-ding,
walla-walla-walla ring ♪

Mrs. Carmichael...

♪ And we're gonna have... ♪

Mrs. Carmichael!

What?

All I want to know is,
did you get it all down?

Well, yes, sir,
all but one thing.

- What's that?
- What is the title?

Oh!

Yes?

I'm Mrs. Carmichael.

I live next door.

Oh, was that you pounding?

Well, I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not.

You got a good b*at.

Well, thank you very much,

but what I'd like is
a good night's sleep.

Can't you sleep either?

Well, I can't sleep
with all that drumming.

The...

Aw, gee, I'm-I'm so sorry.

I didn't even think.

Look, I'm making
some hot chocolate.

Could I offer you a cup?

Well, that's very nice of you.

Oh, not at all. Please come in.

You'll kind of have to forgive
the looks of this apartment.

You know how musicians are.

Yeah.

There we go.

Here you are.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Being a musician must be
a very interesting profession.

Well, really, I don't
get that much work.

With me, it's just a sideline.

Oh?

What is your real occupation?

I don't know.

You see, in school, I studied
sociology and psychology,

philosophy, political science.

Well, what kind of a job do
those subjects prepare you for?

They don't prepare
you for anything,

but they give you a
lot of fancy reasons

for why you're out of work.

I understand.

My goodness, that's
an interesting piece.

Oh, thank you. I
made that myself.

You didn't!

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Well, well.

Well, I see you paint.

Oh, that's, uh, just
another one of my hobbies.

Well, you certainly have
a lot of hobbies, Mr. uh...

Tinker. Mel Tinker.

My friends call my Tinky.

Tinky.

Tinky... that's cute.

I don't like it.

Why not?

Because every
time I'm introduced,

somebody always
says, "This is Stinky."

Well, I don't blame you.

Well, I'll just call you Tink.

Great.

- Oh, do you play this?
- Yeah.

Say, would you like to hear a
brand-new song I just wrote?

- You write songs, too?
- Uh-huh.

Well, I'd love to hear
one of your songs.

Uh, make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Now, I call this "Whatever
Happened to the Moon."

That's a nice title.

It goes like this.

♪ Whatever happened
to the moon? ♪

♪ Whatever happened
to the moon? ♪

♪ It used to make hearts b*at ♪

♪ With palpitations ♪

♪ But now it's just a subject ♪

♪ For scientific calculations ♪

♪ The man in the
moon is very shy ♪

♪ Since those
scientists started to pry ♪

♪ So, now, if you
should meet a pretty girl ♪

♪ And chance to date her ♪

♪ And if later you
should start to spoon ♪

♪ Don't bother looking up ♪

♪ 'Cause all you'll
see is just a crater ♪

♪ And that is why
I sing this tune ♪

♪ What, oh, what ♪

♪ Oh, what, oh, what ♪

♪ Oh, whatever happened ♪

♪ To the moon? ♪

Wow.

Oh, really that's...

Tink, that's terrific!

I just think that
song is beautiful!

You're very nice.

Well, now, I'm
not just being nice.

When I say that song
is good, I mean it.

I'm in the music business.

Oh, no kidding.

You a singer?

Oh, thank you. No, no.

I... I'm a private secretary

for Barney Miller, president
of the Pop Record Company.

- Barney Miller?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, he's the biggest.
- That's right.

How long you been
in the music business?

All day.

And just think, on
my very first day,

I discovered a hit song.

- What?!
- Yes, sir.

You've got a big
hit on your hands.

I'm gonna take
you right down there

to see Mr. Miller,
tomorrow morning.

You see, when I bring
your song to Mr. Miller,

he's gonna find out that
he not only hired a secretary,

but a talent scout, as well.

I can't believe this.

Oh, now, now, now, now,
don't you worry about a thing.

You go right on with
whatever you were doing.

Don't let me disturb you.

I'll see you first
thing in the morning.

Oh, this is exciting!

♪ What, oh, what ♪

♪ Oh, what, oh, what ♪

♪ Oh, whatever happened ♪

♪ To the moon? ♪

How about that, Mr. Miller?

Didn't I find you a great song?

No.

No?!

Mrs. Carmichael, I hired you
because I needed a secretary,

not a talent scout.

Now, look here,

the melody was okay,

but what the song says is
all wrong for today's market.

Well, what's wrong with it?

That "moon and spoon" jazz.

The kids today go
for real tearjerkers.

You gotta make 'em
miserable to make 'em happy.

Oh. Well, maybe if Mr. Tinker
came up with a new lyric?

Mrs. Carmichael, I
have a plane to catch.

Would you excuse me, please?

Uh, Mr. Miller, I-I
want to thank you

for listening to my song.

Good luck, kid.

Mrs. Carmichael?

Yes, sir.

Remember...

if anything important
should come up,

I'll be in San Francisco.

Yes, sir.

I'll be with a sponsor...
Mr. Thornton.

Yes, sir.

We'll be watching the
Wingding show from his house.

Yes, sir. I know, sir.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael,
I-I want you to know

I appreciate your help,
even if we did strike out.

Well, Tink, we may
have struck out,

but this ball game isn't over.

Huh?

Well, you know,
Mr. Miller is right

about the kids wanting to
be miserable these days.

Let's look at some of our
best-selling records here.

Here's our biggest hit.

It's a teenage girl singing
about her boyfriend

who gets run over
by a police car.

What's it called?

"He Wears a Hubcap for a Halo."

Hmm.

Here's our most popular
country-style ballad.

It's called, "I Got
Tears in my Ears

"from Lying on my Back in my Bed

While I Cry Over You."

How about that?

Oh, boy.

And get a load of this one.

It's a song about a girl whose
boyfriend goes skin-diving

and gets tangled
up with an octopus.

What's that one called?

"I Lost You to the
Arms of Another."

That ought to give us some idea

of what kind of
lyrics those kids want.

Hm, hm-hm-hm.

Beach.

- What?
- Beach.

- Beach?
- Yeah, the beach.

It's very big with
kids these days.

- Yeah?
- You know,

skin-diving and
water-skiing and surfing.

- Surfing!
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Surfing.

Tink, I got an idea.

How's that for a title?

Hey, that ought to really
tear their hearts out.

You like it?

Well, you've got a wild knack

for knowing what
those kids are gonna dig.

Ah, well, that comes
from experience.

You see, uh, I may not look it,

but I was a teenager
for seven whole years.

Pardon me.

Hello.

Pop Record Company, yes.

No, Mr. Miller cannot
be reached right now.

He's on his way to Sacramento.

San Francisco.

Oh! Uh, he-he's
going to San Francisco.

Yes, he's going
to see Mr. Stanton.

No, Mr. Thornton.

Uh, he's visiting
Mr. Thornton up there.

Yes, this is his secretary.

Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir, I'm very
familiar with the talent list.

Oh, I'm sure I can
handle it for you, sir.

Don't you worry. Good-bye.

Anything wrong?

Well, that was the director
of the Wingding show.

They need a replacement
for an act that can't make it.

What happened?

One of the Six Bare Feet
dropped a saxophone on his toe.

Got to find this talent list.

That's show biz.

Let's see now.

Where's everybody working?

Heartaches are working in Vegas.

Mm-hmm.

Weeping Willows are in Miami.

The Four Sob
Sisters are in Fresno.

Cry Babies are
working in Oakland.

Gee, haven't you got
any acts here in town?

Tink...

I got just the act for 'em...

The Tear Ducts.

The...

Tear Ducts?

Who is the Tear Ducts?

We is.

Come on, let's finish this.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We're gonna have a wingding ♪

♪ A really swingin'
wingding tonight ♪

♪ Tonight we're really gonna ♪

♪ Cry you river,
stomp up a storm ♪

♪ Tear out our hair ♪

♪ All this is normal ♪

♪ 'Cause we're
the Torch Bearers ♪

♪ And we're on Wingding! ♪

Now a group that'll do away
with the Beatles... the DDTs.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We're gonna have a wingding ♪

♪ A really swingin'
wingding tonight ♪

♪ Tonight's the night you'll
find us packing a g*n ♪

♪ Like Double-Oh-Seven ♪

♪ Gonna send these other
groups to rock and roll heaven ♪

♪ Wingding ♪

♪ We'll wing and we'll ding ♪

♪ And we'll swing
and we'll sing ♪

♪ And we'll ring-a-ding-ding
and go ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪

♪ Swing, sing, ring, ting,
polly-wolly, bing-bing ♪

♪ Wingding! ♪

Now, folks, Wingding presents,
with their own new ballad,

the Tear Ducts!

♪ My trousseau ♪

♪ Just lies on the shelf ♪

♪ Since his surfboard
came back by itself ♪

♪ My tears drown my
heart with emotion ♪

♪ Emotion ♪

♪ Since my dropout
dropped into the ocean ♪

♪ He said that I bugged him ♪

♪ When I'd say things to him ♪

♪ Like, "Don't learn to surf" ♪

♪ "Till you learn how to swim" ♪

♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ Was the day ♪

♪ We were to wed ♪

♪ I went to the church ♪

♪ He went surfing instead ♪

♪ Now trousseau ♪

♪ Just lies on the shelf ♪

♪ On the shelf ♪

♪ Since his surfboard ♪

♪ Came back ♪

♪ By itself ♪

♪ My trousseau just
lies on the shelf ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪

♪ Since his surfboard
came back by itself ♪

♪ My tears drown my
heart with emotion ♪

♪ Whoa, ho! ♪

♪ Since my dropout
dropped into the ocean ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ He said that I bugged him
when I'd say things to him ♪

♪ Like, "Don't learn to surf
till you learn how to swim" ♪

♪ Yesterday was the
day we were to wed ♪

♪ I went to the church ♪

♪ He went surfing instead... ♪

The beach patrol told me...

how they spotted a fin...

and went to the rescue,
but just couldn't win.

Now, lying in state, is
the shark that he's in.

So lonely.

♪ So my trousseau ♪

♪ Just lies on the shelf ♪

MEL: ♪ The shelf ♪

♪ Since his surfboard ♪

♪ Came back ♪

♪ By itself. ♪

Hold it, folks!

Barney Miller, the president
of the Pop Record Company,

just phoned from San Francisco.

He's getting a
record out right away

on that great new ballad we
just heard from the Tear Ducts!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We're gonna have a wingding ♪

♪ A really swingin'
wingding tonight ♪

♪ Tonight we're gonna have
the wingingest wingding ♪

♪ That's ever been wung ♪

♪ The dingingest wingding
that's ever been dung ♪

♪ Ring-a-dinga,
ting-a-linga, zing-a-ringa ♪

♪ Bing-a-bang-a, wingding! ♪
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