04x06 - Lucy and the Countess Have a Horse Guest

[bunniefuu]

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

4:00 in the morning!

For heaven's sake. Yeah?

Oh...

Wrong door.

Yeah?

Oh! Oh!

Rosie Harrigan!

Oh! Good to see you!

Oh, boy!

I'm so glad to see you!

Oh, I can't tell you!

I'm so glad to see you!

Oh, what a surprise!

Surprise?!

Didn't you get my letter?

No.

Well... oh, did I wake you up?

Well, I-I...

I always try to take a little
nap about 4:00 in the morning.

4:00 in the morning?

I completely forgot
the change of time.

- It's all right.
- Darling, I just flew in

from Paris, where it's
1:00 in the afternoon...

Time for love,
lunch and laughter.

Oh, well, over here, it's time
for covers, curlers and, uh...

catnaps.

Oh, I feel terrible
waking you up.

And you didn't even
know I was coming.

Well, that doesn't
matter at all.

I'm always glad to see
you, Countess Framboise.

Well, just forget
that countess stuff.

Oh?

I'm the same old Rosie
Harrigan you went to school with.

How long you gonna
be in California, Rosie?

Well, I'm not sure yet, dear.

Well, no matter how long it
is, you're gonna stay right here.

Oh, no, Lucy, I
couldn't do that,

especially if you're not
prepared or anything.

I'll put on a pot of coffee
and I'll be prepared.

Oh, no, dear, I
couldn't do that.

- Really I couldn't.
- No, now, don't argue with me,

or I'll tell all of
your royal friends

that you used to wear
braces on your teeth.

Oh... you wouldn't.

Yes, I would.

Well, I really didn't
expect to stay,

but if you insist...

I insist.

- Where's your luggage?
- Oh, um...

Bring it in, boys!

Put it right there; thank you.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Oh, boy, same old Rosie.

- Yes.
- I remember the last time

you flew over, the plane was
so loaded with your luggage

that nobody could see the movie.

That's not true.

And you had one suitcase

just full of keys for
the other suitcases.

Oh, that's not true, either.

Will that be all, ma'am?

Yes, please. Un
moment, s'il vous plaît.

Eh... do you have any money?

I'm flat broke.

Sure.

Venez, s'il vous plaît. Venez.

Here you are. Help yourself.

Oh, thank you, dar...

Oh, what charming change.

Yes, well, now, here we are.

C'est pour vous,
et c'est pour vous.

Et merci bien. Au revoir.

Thank you very much.

Au revoir. Good night.

- Now...
- Thank you, darling.

That's all right. Come
on over here and tell me

about all the places you've
been since I saw you last.

Oh, just the usual
thing, you know.

The French Riviera,

Madrid, Rome, Paris,

London, Brooklyn...

Brooklyn?!

Yeah, to see my muh-thuh.

- Oh, your mother's in Brooklyn!
- Yeah, yeah.

So, what about you?

Tell me all about the famous
stars you've met in Hollywood.

Well, so far, I've met
Lassie's hairdresser...

and the man who used
to dry off Lloyd Bridges...

and Liberace's dentist.

They're all very
interesting people.

Yes, they sound
very interesting.

Well, we'll have fun together

just as soon as I
finish my business.

Oh, are you over
here on business?

Oh, didn't I tell you, darling?

My darling departed husband

has left me something
besides a title.

He left me Oil Well.

How wonderful!
You're an oil tycoon!

Well, you'll be in
with the Rockefellers

and the Vanderbilts.

No, dear, I'll be in with the
Longdens and the Arcaros.

Oh, are they in oil?

No, they're in saddles.

Oil Well is a racehorse.

- Oh, a racehorse!
- Yes!

Well, horses are nicer,
anyway; you can't pet an oil well.

But I hope he'll be as
profitable as an oil well.

They say he's won a few races.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Do I get to see him?
- Oh, yes.

Oh, I have a marvelous
picture of him.

Wait a minute here. Oh...

- What?
- Here's your letter.

- My letter?
- Yeah, the letter I forgot.

Oh, well, it's a good
thing you forgot.

You also forgot the stamp.

No, I didn't forget... I
told you I was broke.

Oh, same old Rosie!

You don't even have a stamp
to put on it, for heaven's sake!

I wonder where everybody is.

Oh, look, look...
Isn't he beautiful!

Oh, how dear!

Oh, I can't wait
to see Oil Well!

- Oh, hello there.
- Hello, darling.

Hello, you...

Oh, pardon me.

Excuse me, are you
the owner of this place?

Owners don't carry brooms!

- I'm a trainer.
- Oh, oh, in that case,

would you kindly
announce to the owner

that the Countess Henri Gaston

Armand Jean-Louis Philippe
Framboise de Cul-de-Sac

has arrived.

Okay.

Hey, boss!

There's a dame here to see ya.

You know, he reminds me
of someone I used to know.

Really?

Oh, yes, monsieur.

I'm Mr. Morton.

- How do you do?
- You wanted to see me?

Yes, I'm the Countess Framboise.

And may I present my
friend, Mrs. Carmichael.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Well, Countess,
I'm glad you arrived.

Your bill is long overdue.

My bill?

That's right... For Oil
Well's board and feed.

$937.14.

But I'll pay you

from the winnings from
Oil Well's next race.

Next race?!

Lady, we have to use a truck

to get your horse
out to the pasture.

Well, didn't Oil
Well used to race?

Oh, that was a long time ago.

The last time that
nag won a race,

they paid off in
Confederate money.

Oh, here's Oil Well.

Oh, Countess, look at him!

Oh, there he is!

Oh, isn't he beautiful!

- Oh, my very own horse!
- Oh...

The last of my
husband's gifts to me.

He even has his
beautiful brown eyes.

Look, lady, if you want
the horse, pay the bill,

or I'll have to take him
out and get my money back

by selling him
to a glue factory.

I'll be in my office.

- A gl...
- A glue factory?!

Oh, Rosie, we
can't let him do that.

- Well, what...
- He's so beautiful!

Yes, but what else
can I do? I'm flat broke.

Rosie, I've got some money.

Oh, no, Lucy, I
couldn't let you do that.

Oh, yes, you can, now.

We gotta get him out of here.

We'll take him someplace else.

Yes, but we'd just run up
another bill at another stable.

Well, unless we didn't
take him to a stable at all.

Well, where else
can you keep a horse?

My apartment.

Your apartment?!

Shh! The lease says
I can't have dogs;

doesn't say anything
about horses.

Well, how's Oil
Well doing out here?

Oh, he's fine.

Only we can't keep a
horse in a patio forever.

Well, now, Rosie,
he needs the fresh air,

and it's all enclosed.

Nobody'll see him out here.

I know, dear, but we
have to do something.

You're paying for his
food and everything.

Mr. Mooney'll k*ll you.

Now, don't worry, Oil
Well's gonna win a race soon,

and I'll be getting
my money back

before Mr. Mooney
knows what happened.

But I am a little worried
about something.

- What?
- Well, you notice

he doesn't frisk around
like a horse does.

You know, he might be sick.

Well, you can't expect him
to gallop around on this patio!

Well, he may not frisk
around like a horse,

but he certainly eats like one.

Now, you make sure
you chew everything

30 times before swallowing.

- Oh, I'll see who that is.
- Yes.

Mrs. Carmichael, I
want to talk to you!

Oh, yeah, well, I'd
love to talk to you.

Let's talk outside.

Mrs. Carmichael,
we will talk right here,

- if you don't mind.
- Uh, uh...

Of horse. I mean,
of course, of course!

We can talk in
here. It's... it's...

All right, now, I will
get right to the point.

Mrs. Carmichael, your checking
account has become so bizarre,

so filled with ridiculous items,

it's almost useless
to keep track of it.

Around the bank,
your account is known

as "Mooney's Millstone."

Well, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

In the past, I have
seen some weird things

listed in your account,

but two checks came in today

that set a new high for
incredibility, even for you!

One of them is for
$937.14 for an oil well?!

And the other is
for $86 for oats!

Well, I-I can
explain, Mr. Mooney.

I doubt it!

But try.

I love science fiction.

Well, uh, you see, I, uh...

I-I used the oats to, uh, bake
a batch of oatmeal cookies.

$86 for oatmeal cookies?!

- Yeah, well, I'm on a diet.
- You're on a diet?!

This is preposterous!

- Well, I-I...
- Absolutely preposterous!

I cannot understand how you can

go around making out
checks: Oil Well! Oats!

- Uh, Mr. Mooney?
- What?!

Countess!

Countess Framboise!

Je suis enchantée
de vous voir encore.

- Oh...
- Oh, quelle surprise.

I beg your pardon?

- Oh, a surprise. Surprise.
- Oh, yes.

And for me, a very
pleasant "su-preez."

Uh, surprise.

Well, I didn't even know
you were in America.

I would have sent you flowers.

Oh, my dear, it is so
good to see you again.

Oh... and, Countess,

you are like a breath
of newly minted money.

Oh, now...

Why didn't you tell
me she was coming!

- Well...
- Or do you only specialize

in disaster news?

Well, she just...
she just popped in.

The countess doesn't pop in!

She floats in.

4:00 in the morning, it's a pop.

Countess, you look
absolutely radiant!

Oh, my dear, and you're
looking younger than ever.

It's hard for me to believe
that you're in your early '30s.

There, there... Oh, my goodness!

I...

What was that?

What was what?

That!

Uh... oh, that!

Yes.

Oh, well, it's, uh...

it's the neighbor's.

He keeps, uh, coming
in here for scraps.

- Yes.
- Scat, scat.

Go on home. Go
back over the fence.

Scat, scat.

Mrs. Carmichael,

nothing you do should
shock me anymore,

but keeping a horse
in an apartment?

Of all the harebrained,
moronic, imbecilic...

It's my horse, Mr. Mooney.

Intriguing things to do.

Now, what perfectly
good reason do you have

for keeping it here, Countess?

Well, it's rather complicated.

Yes. The countess didn't want

anything that reminded
her of her late husband

to wind up in a bottle of glue.

Yes.

Mrs. Carmichael, I am
confused enough as it is

without you
explaining things to me.

You were saying, dear Countess?

Yes, well, it-it...

You see, this is a
famous racehorse

that my darling departed
husband left to me.

It ran up a trifling
little bill at the stable,

and unfortunately, I am,
at the moment, a trifle short,

because I have recently
invested in a tin mine in the Alps.

- Yes.
- So, you see, I, I am

rather short of
money at the moment.

Yes, and the stable man said

that if she didn't pay the bill

that he'd send Oil
Well to the glue factory.

Yes.

That's Oil Well.

- Yes. Well, you...
- Oil...

That's your "oil well."

Yes. And gee, Mr. Mooney,

I couldn't let Oil Well
go to the glue factory.

And I-I'll get my money back.

Oil Well will be racing soon

and we'll more than
make up for a few oats

- on his first race.
- That's right.

That horse, race?!

Why, this horse is in
no condition to race.

- What do you mean?
- Well, he looks ill.

- His eyes...
- What's the matter with him?

His eyes are dull and
listless, poor little thing.

And he's overweight, too.

Now, you see? You see?

Mr. Mooney is right.

I knew there was something
wrong with this horse, Lucy.

Well, now, wait a minute.

My bank deals with
several veterinarians.

Perhaps I can be of service.

Oh, no, I couldn't
impose on you.

Impose, dear Countess?

It's a pleasure.

- I'll send one over right away.
- Oh, how nice.

Oh, and Countess, I
have a confession to make.

You'll never believe this,
but I'm not in my early 30s.

I'm in my late 30s.

Oh, dear, I wonder what's the
matter with that darling horse.

I don't know.

We'll find out when
the doctor gets here.

Yes.

- There he is.
- Yes.

Yes, sir?

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I'm the veterinarian.

- Yes.
- Yes, sir.

Is, uh... is this
where the patient is?

Yes, out on the patio.

Well...

I've been a horse
doctor for 22 years.

This is the first time I
ever made a house call.

Right this way.

All righty.

Oh! Uh, you two wait here.

I always like to be
alone with my patients.

Oh?

How we gonna
pay the doctor bill?

I don't know, but if Oil Well
is as old as they say he is,

he'll be the first horse
to come under Medicare.

You back already?

Well, that horse's problem
doesn't take long to diagnose.

Oh, what's wrong with him?

"Him" is pregnant.

Pregnant?!

Him is having a baby?!

Yes, him is,
because him is a her.

Well how's Oil Well feeling?

Well, she's awfully restless.

Yeah, these older mothers
need lots of attention.

As soon as I finish here,

I'll go out and rub
her tummy for her.

Yes, well, I already did,

and the baby kicked
my wristwatch off.

What in heaven's
name is this mess?

Mess?!

This is Oil Well's lunch.

Lunch?

Yes. I'm fixing her
some special food.

Lately, she hasn't been very
happy with just oats and hay.

Good heavens,
are those dill pickles

floating around in there?

Yes, and I think I
better add another one.

Ugh!

And I almost forgot
the strawberries.

Ugh!

That's really silly, Lucy.

It is not.

When I was going to
have a baby, I wanted

all sorts of weird
things to eat.

You know, that's right.

When my sister was expecting,

she always wanted chocolate
ice cream with mustard.

Yeah!

And I always wanted chocolate
ice cream with sardines.

Ugh.

As a matter of fact, I think
I'll put some sardines in here.

Oh, you gotta be...

You gotta be kidding.

No! Now, this will
be very good for her.

You know, the cod liver oil
and everything that's in here?

Oh! I can't look.

Well, it may look funny to you,

but to Oil Well, it'll
look like "filly" mignon.

Get it?

Very funny, dearie.

I don't know, Lucy.

Maybe we should
take Oil Well someplace

where they know about horses.

Do they have maternity
hospitals for horses?

I don't know, and if they
did, we couldn't afford it.

Besides, she wants to stay
right here with her loved ones: us.

- Oh.
- I know how to take care of her.

I've had a baby.

I've been a mother, you know.

I have already
started her layette.

Her layette?

Yeah, look.

Oh, darling! How sweet!

How darling. How sweet.

And diapers.

Well, at least do it right.

What do you mean, "do it right"?

What are you doing?!

Rosie, what are you doing?

Never mind. Here...

you have to have
room for the tail.

Oh, I forgot all about the tail.

Yes. The tail.

That's a good girl.
That's a good girl.

Lucy, look.

I finished her feed bag.

Aw!

Isn't it darling?

It's just beautiful.

Did she take all
her calcium tablets?

Yep. All 50 of 'em.

Good. And she
drank all her water?

Yep. Five gallons of it today.

How fine. There's a good girl.

Eh, come on, now,
around one more time,

and then you can rest.

There we are.

There you are.

Now you can stop.

Yes.

And I think that you
should sit down in that chair

and rest a little while,

and get the weight off
your feet... I really do.

Come on. See the nice
chair I bought for you?

See it? Won't you
sit down and rest?

Oh, get that, will you, honey?

Yes?

Oh, yes. Just a moment, please.

It's for you, honey.

Oh, well, hold on
to Oil Well, will you?

I will.

Come on, baby.
You stay right here.

Come here,
sweetheart. Stay here.

Hello?

Whoa, whoa.

Oh, yes. This is
Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Goldaper.

Yeah, I know I live in
the apartment above you.

Oh, uh, uh, what
clomping on the floor?

Oh, that clomping on the floor.

Well, uh, you see, I'm, uh...

I'm-I'm taking tap
dancing lessons, yeah.

I want to be a hoofer.

Well, you don't have
to get nasty about it.

All right, all right,
Mrs. Goldaper.

We'll have to make Oil
Well walk a little quieter.

Well, it's going
to be awfully hard

to make an expectant
mother walk on her tippy toes.

Yeah. Gee.

She sure looks perky
today, doesn't she?

Yeah. I love the blanket.

- Yeah, so do I.
- Uh-huh.

Rosie, can a horse that's
had a baby run in a race?

Sure! A horse once ran
in the Kentucky Derby

while she was expecting.

Really? What happened?

Well, she had her baby while
coming down the backstretch.

She won the race and
the baby came in second.

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

Yeah, I'm kidding.

Oh, making up stories.

Oh, who could that be?

Maybe that crank downstairs
complained to the landlord.

- Oh, dear.
- Hide the horse.

Hide the horse?! Where?

- Out here.
- Oh, yes.

Come along, baby.
Come on. Come on, baby.

Here we go.

That's a baby. Go on.

Oh, Mr. Mooney,
thank goodness it's you.

Wait till you see what I have.

I had to go all
over town to find it.

What? What is it? What is it?

- It's a present.
- For Oil Well.

No, no, no. Her,
I'll send flowers.

This is for the baby.

- Oh.
- Yes.

Look at that.

Now, Mr. Mooney,

how do you expect a
baby horse to rattle that?

Well, I think it's a
very sweet gesture.

Oh, thank you, Countess.

I better go see what
Oil Well wants of me.

Yes.

Countess, I have
some good news for you.

Oh, good.

I have been looking
into Oil Well's breeding,

and she comes of a
very good blood strain.

Oh.

I'm convinced
that any foal of hers

would be a
worthwhile investment,

and so, I am going
to buy her baby.

- Oh...
- Great! For how much?

Isn't it amazing how
she appears like magic

when money is mentioned?

So how much would you pay?

$1,000.

A thousand?!

Oh, that'll pay the
bill at the stable.

Yeah.

- She needs me again.
- Yes, yes.

- Poor Oil Well.
- What's the matter?

Well, I'm ready to give that

to the baby.

Yes.

Ah, yeah, yeah,
it's a... it's a... uh...

uh, it's-it's her time!

- What?
- What?

She... her... It's her time!

- Her time!
- Well, pack a bag.

- Now is the time!
- Pack her bag.

I'll go get a cab.

A cab? She's
having it right here.

- Having it here?
- Yes! Yes! Yes!

Right here she's having it.

- Oh!
- Boil some water!

- Get the blanket!
- Blanket!

Get some blankets
and some pillows!

Get pillow! Pillow
and blanket! All right!

- And boil some water.
- Uh, not in there!

- What?
- In the bedroom, for heaven's sakes.

Oh, bedroom, bedroom, right.

- Yeah, and get a heating pad.
- Boil some water...

- Why don't you boil some water?
- Boil some...

Well, no. I'll call the vet.

All right, I'll boil the water.

Come on, darling. You
boil the water. Here.

Oh, good heavens.

I thought something was
different about her today.

I did, too. She
behaved so fussy...

I just had a feeling.

You know, you
might get the doctor

if you take that off the hook.

Okay.

Here are the blankets!

Here-Here are the
blankets and-and the pillows.

Okay.

I better go out and buy
Dr. Spock's baby book.

You stay right here, Mr. Mooney!

- What?
- It's your baby now.

- Oh?
- Doctor, come right over.

It's Oil Well's time.

I'm going to be a daddy!

Relax, Mr. Mooney, would you?

I-I can't relax.

This is my first horse.

Oh...

Why do they always
make me boil water?

Oh, I don't know,
but they always do.

Yeah. What-What are you doing?

I'm knitting.

With steel wool?

Well, I just thought I'd knit
the baby a pair of horseshoes.

See?

- Aren't they sweet?
- Aw. What a sweet idea.

- I think so, too.
- That's nice.

- What...?
- Baby should be here any minute.

- Oh, good.
- Oh, dear.

Keep your eyes open
for a gigantic stork.

- I will.
- Oh.

- Boil some water.
- Uh-huh.

- And hurry.
- What? Boil... some water.

- Rosie?
- Yes?

What? What?

- Bring the baby oil.
- Oh, yes, the baby oil.

Here. Here I come.

- The baby oil.
- Ba... the baby oil.

Yeah. Boil some water.

Uh, b-boil some water. Yeah.

Oh... Oh, I hope it's a boy.

I've always wanted a boy.

♪ Climb upon my
knee, Sonny Boy ♪

♪ Though you're only
three, Sonny Boy ♪

♪ You're only... ♪

Oh, I don't care what it is,

just so long as it's
healthy and has four legs.

There.

It's a little girl.

And, uh... and we're
calling her Rosie.

And this is another little girl,
and we're calling her Lucy.

Lucy.

I had twins!