04x10 - Lucy and the Undercover Agent

[bunniefuu]

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Mr. Mooney, I want to thank
you for a perfectly lovely evening.

Well, I thought a world traveler
like yourself, dear Countess,

might enjoy the
sophisticated atmosphere

of a little international
supper club.

Oh, well, it's charming.

It certainly is, and I
think there are people

- from all over the world in here.
- Yes.

And Mr. Mooney, I want to
thank you very much for inviting me

to go to the movies with
you and the countess.

I invited the
countess; I took you.

Oh... really!

Well, I enjoyed that
movie very much.

Listen, did you notice that
the countess figured out

who the enemy agent was
even before James Bond did?

Yes. Yes. That was very
clever deduction, Countess.

Now, tell me, how did you know
that Keeler was the enemy agent?

Well, for instance, the
pipe-shaped cigarette holder

that holds the
cigarette upright...

I've seen them used
by many diplomats

from behind the Iron Curtain.

Well, how observant.

I tell you, she
notices everything.

- Oh, Lucy.
- You do.

And do you remember
when Keeler asked his dentist

to replace his silver
crown with a gold one?

Yes.

Well, that's because,
in Keeler's country,

most of the dental
work is done with silver,

and he was afraid
that the silver crown

would give him away.

Why, Countess,
you are fantastic.

I told you.

You know, once, when
we went to a movie,

she figured out who
did it before we went in

by just looking at the
still pictures in the lobby.

Oh...

- You remember.
- You know, Countess,

with your powers of
deduction and your knowledge

of the international scene,
you could be very valuable

to our government in
the intelligence service.

Oh, Mr. Mooney,
what an exciting idea.

You really think I
could do anything

as dangerous as espionage work?

Oh, indubitably.

Well, if it's the kind of
work that lets you sleep

late in the morning,
you'd be great at it.

Boy, what a... what an
"undercover" agent she'd make.

Okay.

- You would!
- Now, come on.

Good evening, sir.

Ah. Good evening, Zoorkin.

You're right on time. Good.

Tonight, we intercepted
some more coded messages

that will have to be deciphered.

Very good. I will go to
work on it right away.

Hello?

It's for you.

Hello.

I'll be there immediately.

- Headquarters.
- Oh.

Hello?

Napoleon who?

You got the wrong number.

What...?

- What's the matter, Mrs. Carmichael?
- What's the matter?

Countess, just try to act
like nothing's happened.

- What?
- Don't even look.

But look.

A spy. A spy.

- A spy?
- Yes.

Yes, he's got a cigarette holder

just like the enemy
agent in the picture.

He's wearing a trench coat.

Doesn't that mean something?

It means it's going to rain.

Oh, stop.

He does look suspicious.

You see? And, Countess,
there was another man with him

who looked suspicious,
too. He just went out.

- No.
- Yes.

Now, you two ladies are still

under the influence of
that James Bond movie.

I am not.

I think he's a spy, and
I'm going to find out.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to see if he
has any silver dental work.

Oh, clever, clever.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

you cannot go up
to a perfect stranger,

look in his mouth and ask
him if he has silver fillings.

All right, I'll make out
like he's not a stranger.

What?

Mrs. Carmichael. Mrs.
Carmichael, will you...?

Well, if it isn't Danny.

Danny Danzinger,
you old son of a g*n.

Please, what is
the meaning of this?

Oh. I'm so sorry.

I... I thought you
were Danny Danzinger.

Danny who-zinger?

Uh, Danzinger.

Well, I can't get over
the resemblance.

Are you sure you're
not Danny Danzinger?

No, I am not.

And even if I were,
is there any reason

for you to pound me on the back?

Yeah, well, what do you
care how hard I hit Danzinger,

if you're not Danzinger?

Uh, who are you?

- My name is Zoorkin.
- Zoorkin?

- Yes.
- Oh.

And I am trying to work,
so would you please...

Phsew, pshew... go away.

Oh. Well, of course,
I wouldn't want

to bother Zoorkin
while he's workin'.

Well, uh, at least
let me apologize.

Very well.

- I accept your apology.
- Thank you.

And I'd like very
much to explain.

You see, I would
never have intruded,

but I really thought you
were somebody else.

I know. You thought I was
Danny somebody or other.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you're
not Danny somebody or other

'cause you're a lot
more interesting.

Uh, I just love
the way you talk.

Would you say something
in your native language?

Oh. What does that mean?

Get lost.

Well, uh, sir, uh, before I go,
uh, could I ask you one thing?

Yes.

Have you ever been to Norway?

Yes.

Yeah, well, there's a
very large city there,

and I never know
how to pronounce it.

Is it "Ohslo" or "Oslo"?

"Oohslo."

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mrs. Carmichael, really!

Did he have any silver fillings?

Couldn't even get
him to open his mouth.

Oh, that's the
trouble with spies.

Oh, spies.

But he did talk with
a foreign accent.

- He did?
- Yes.

Just like the enemy
agent in the movie.

- Oh...
- And he has the cigarette holder.

He's wearing a trench coat.

He's working on some
funny-looking papers

- over there.
- Aha.

I know a way to make
him open his mouth.

How?

Get him to laugh.

It's been a lovely
evening, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, my pleasure, dear Countess.

Oh, I seem to have
lost one of my gloves. I...

Oh, there it is.

Do you mind fetching
it for me, please?

Why, of course,
Countess. Of course.

Ah! There we are.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh...

The-The washroom is that way.

The wash... Oh, I'm sorry.

He's got enough silver
back there to start a mint.

Good.

Now, listen. What should we...

Now that we know he's a
spy, should we call the police?

No, no. I have a better plan.

What?

Yes, uh, just a minute.

- Waiter. Waiter?
- Yes, ma'am.

Uh, what is that man drinking?

Uh, straight vodka.

Yes. Well, will you please bring
him a vodka with my compliments?

And serve me four
glasses of water at his table.

- Water?
- Yes.

In the same size
glass as the vodka.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, fine.

What are you going to do, Rosie?

Uh, well, I'm going to
try to win his confidence.

Oh, dear. I still think we
ought to call the police.

No, no. I'm after bigger game.

What do you mean?

Yes, well, that man that
he met earlier, you know?

Yeah?

I think he's the leader.

We use him to get
to the higher-up man.

Well, how are you
going to do that?

I don't think I will
have any trouble

convincing our friend we are
working for a common cause.

Voilà.

Why, Countess, if I didn't
know you were Rosie Harrigan,

I'd think you were Mata Hari.

Shh.

All right, what now?

What does that mean?

Get lost.

Lost?

Yes, he mustn't see you.

The lady asked me
to bring you a drink.

What lady?

Uh, this lady.

Ah.

And to what do I owe this honor?

An apology for my
friend annoying you

I would like to make.

You accept?

I accept. Please.

Danke schön.

Prost!

Ah. Very smooth, eh?

Like water.

Nothing like a little
vodka to quiet the nerves.

And the nerves
can stand quieting...

in our business.

Our business?

What business are you in?

I hope you don't think I
am some kind of S-P-Y.

S-P... A spy?

Ah.

You broke our code.

Young lady, are you trying
to tell me that you are a spy?

Shh!

Why do you divulge
such information to me?

You realize I could report
you to the authorities?

But you won't, comrade.

And you know why you won't?

Why?

Because you are one of us.

Me, one of you?

It is not difficult to
spot our special agents.

The cigarette holder,
the secret documents,

the silver dental work.

Ah, you are too clever.

Well, there is no use for
me to pretend any longer.

Comrade.

Now, the man you
have earlier met,

he is your leader, right?

Yes, you are
right. I work for him.

"Him." Who, him?

Him is my leader.

Surely you have
heard of my leader,

the man who is known as... Him?

But of course.

That is why to this
country I was sent:

to contact Him.

I see... I think.

Tell me, uh, whom
do you work for?

I work for Her.

Her? Who, Her?

Her is the lady you
saw at my table.

Oh, her.

Her is Her?

You mean to say
that kooky redhead?

Oh, I cannot believe
she is one of us.

Ah... Her fooled you, even, ah?

That is what makes
her so... waluable.

Waluable?

And tell me, this...
this Her is the head of

- one of our espionage rings?
- Her is!

We have got to lose.

Now, tell me, uh...

You say you want to meet... Him.

- Jawohl.
- Very well.

Here is a map of a deserted
spot near the Army base.

Tomorrow you will bring
Her to this spot at 3:00.

And I will see to it
that you meet Him.

Da.

Tomorrow: the world!

Come on, now, Zoorkin.

Two women spies?
That sounds ridiculous.

Ah, perhaps.

But fortunately, they think
that we are enemy spies.

That we are spies?

Yes. I have made a rendezvous

to meet them this
afternoon at the Army base.

I thought perhaps you would

station a guard
there to arrest them.

No, no, no. Without actual
proof that they are spies,

an arrest like that
would never stick.

Ja, that's true.

Yes. Now, we will have
to set a trap for them.

Set them up to take a picture

of some of those obsolete
old missiles on the Army base.

Oh, that is a good idea.

Let's see if we have
a picture of them

in our dossier
on foreign agents.

What do these two
women look like, anyway?

Well, the one was
a... a beautiful blonde.

Oh, rather medium-sized
height, a fair complexion,

a gorgeous smile.

And her eyes... her
eyes were big and soft,

like a cocker spaniel.

What did the other
woman look like?

A cocker spaniel.

Comrade!

Ah! Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Allow me to present my leader.

Her.

I am honored!

Don't ever bend over around me,
buster; you may get a judo chop.

So... where is Him?

You have promised we
were going to meet Him.

First, Him has an
assignment for you.

- An assignment?
- Yes.

Jawohl.

And when you
complete the assignment,

then I will take you to Him.

- Jawohl.
- Come.

Tonight, a big Broadway
star is giving a show

at a theater in the camp.

There will only be
one guard at this gate.

Your mission is to get
past this sentry, get inside,

and photograph the new missiles.

Here is a camera.

A camera? That looks
like a marshmallow.

Ah, it looks like a marshmallow,
but it is really a camera.

And when you squeeze it...

it takes the picture.

You must remember
one thing if you are caught.

- What's that?
- Eat the evidence.

Comrade!

No, no, no, this way... Oh...

There. There, Countess.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Mooney.

I just can't find
words to express

how much I appreciate
your being here.

Well, you certainly
found the right ones

when you talked
me into doing this.

I don't like this spy stuff.

Now, we should have turned
Zoorkin over to the police.

Well, then the trail would
have ended with Zoorkin.

We're going to get
to the man higher up.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Wish me luck.

- Be, be, be careful, Countess.
- Yes, I will.

And remember our signal.

If anything goes
wrong, I'll scream.

So will I.

Pardon me, young man.

I'm looking for Miss Channing.

Channing? Oh, you
mean Carol Channing?

Yes, I'm her maid.

She said she was going
out for a breath of fresh air.

Are you sure you didn't see her?

Oh, if I ever saw
her, I wouldn't forget it.

Oh.

Well, she must be
around somewhere.

She's round. Everywhere.

Yes. Uh, Miss Channing?

Miss Channing?

Uh, here I am, Suzette.

Oh! What a lovely soldier.

Gee! Carol Channing!

What's your name, soldier?

Sol. Sol Schwartz.

Oh, I've always loved that name.

If I had a son, that's
what I'd call him.

- Sol?
- No, Schwartz.

Well, come on, Suzette,
honey, we'd better get

- into the theater.
- Yes, we had better.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry,
Miss Channing.

This here's a security area.

- Security area?
- Yes, ma'am.

I'm not allowed to let
anybody pass through this gate.

Oh, but Sol, doll, I
have to do my show.

Oh, I'm awful sorry, ma'am.

Well now, don't you
want to see my show?

Aren't you coming
in to see the show?

Oh, I'd love to, but I'm not
allowed to leave my post.

Oh, now that's not fair.

- That's not fair at all.
- No, it isn't.

Well, now, you know
what little old Carol's

going to do for little old Sol?

Little old Carol's going to
do her show right out here

for little old Sol.

- You will?
- You bet I am.

♪ Hello, Solly ♪

♪ Well, hello, Solly ♪

♪ It's so nice to have you
back where you belong ♪

♪ You're looking swell, Solly ♪

♪ I can tell, Solly ♪

♪ You're still growing,
you're still crowing ♪

♪ You're still going strong ♪

♪ Wah-wah-wah-wah, Solly ♪

♪ Well, good-bye, Solly ♪

♪ Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah ♪

♪ Wah-wah-wah, wah-wah-wah... ♪

Bye, Sol.

Oh, Lucy, we got the pictures.

- Yeah, give me the camera.
- Yeah.

Now Zoorkin has got
to take us to his leader.

Well, where will
we find Zoorkin?

- Well, he said that he would be...
- Good evening!

Who is this?

He is one... of us.

- See?
- He is one of us?

And who is... Oh! Comrade!

What a clever disguise.

You have promised to
take Her to meet Him.

Ah, yes, but first, you
will put on these blindfolds.

- Blindfolds?
- Blindfolds?

Yes, of course.

I am the only one who knows
the location of Him's headquarters.

- Quickly.
- What, you don't expect me

to drive an
automobile blindfolded?

Even in California!

Of course not, silly.

- I am driving.
- Oh.

- Quickly with the blindfolds, now.
- Quickly...

Here...

Come in.

This way.

Where... where,
where are we going?

Follow me. This way.

Ooh! I beg your pardon. You!
Watch where you're going.

Good evening, Zoorkin.

Are these the secret agents
you telephoned me about?

Yes, my leader.

Comrades, you may
remove the blindfolds.

Oh...

And now, I would
like to present... Him.

Agent Zoorkin informs me

that you have some film of
American missiles to deliver.

- Jawohl.
- Yes, sir.

Right in this camera.

Now, if this is
the film we need,

you have done our
cause a great service.

America will soon find
out which is superior.

- Jawohl.
- You can say that again.

Give me the camera.

Eat the evidence!

Don't anyone make a move!

There's enough
perfume in this bottle

to blow us all to kingdom come!

- Perfume?
- Perfume?

I mean, there's enough
nitroglycerin in this bottle

to blow us all to kingdom come!

Here, keep 'em
covered. I'll get help.

Operator? Operator?

Operator? This is an emergency.

Get me United States
Intelligence, right away.

Intelligence Headquarters,
Colonel Dietrich speaking.

Colonel, my name
is Lucille Carmichael,

and I need some
intelligence right away.

Yes.

Yes, the phone number
here is Klondike-5-2-700.

Trace the address,
and send help at once.

Will you please tell me
what this is all about?

Yes. My friends and I
have captured the leader

of an enemy spy ring.

And this enemy spy leader,

can you give me a
description of him?

Well, he's rather tall.

Kind of nice-looking,
and about...

uh, oh... 40 years
old, and he's...

He...

He's a big sneak!

He's...

We know who he is!

- He isn't Him.
- No, Him isn't.

Oh, Colonel. Colonel, now,
now, we can explain everything.

And you are going to.

Captain, step in here at once.

Oh, Colonel, Colonel,

we-we were only trying
to help our country.

Yes, Colonel?

Sol! You're a captain?

Yes, ma'am.

Captain, are these the suspects?

Yes, sir.

Oh, but we didn't mean
any harm, Sol... sir!

Nevertheless, this
cloak-and-dagger game

you're playing could have
had very serious consequences.

Oh, Colonel, I assure you
Miss Carmichael is innocent.

Does she look like the kind of a
person who would hurt anybody?

You should see what
she did to Carol Channing.

I thought she was very good.

So did I.

I don't know whether
you were good or bad,

but I hope this will teach
you to never meddle

with the United States
government again!

All I can say to you
is good-bye, Dolly!

Yeah, yeah, well...

Wah-wah-wah, Colonel ♪

♪ Listen to the old
girl now, Colonel ♪

♪ Dolly will never bother you ♪

♪ Dolly will never bother you ♪

♪ Dolly will never
bother you again... ♪

Good-bye, Colonel.