04x11 - Lucy and the Return of Iron Man

[bunniefuu]

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Hi, Lucy.

Hello, Mary Jane.

How are you, dear?

Oh, fine.

Oh, what's cooking?

Spaghetti and meatballs.

You want to stay for dinner?

I'd love to.

Mmm. Ought to be
ready pretty soon.

How'd things go at
your studio today?

Well, it's not my studio,

I'm just the script girl.

Oh, I think this is ready now.

Listen, will you
hold up that strainer

- so I can drain it?
- Yeah.

Oh, boy.

You have to catch this, you
know, right at the right time.

You got to take it
off and everything.

Oh, my, Mary Jane!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Where'd it go?!

Oh, we lost it!

Oh, no!

Lucy!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Why, did you ever see
anything like that in your life?

We've lost it, Lucy.

Why, I bet that thing is hungry.

I better feed it more often.

Oh, what are we gonna do now?

I've got a tuna
fish salad at home.

Well, go get it and I'll pour
the meat sauce over that.

Oh, Lucy, I almost
forgot why I came over.

- Why?
- Listen, you remember

that picture you were in, where
you worked as a stuntman?

When I was Iron Man Carmichael?

Yeah.

- How could I ever forget it?
- Remember?

Boy, that's the roughest
day I ever put in.

At the end of that day, I was
like a one woman disaster area.

Why? What about it?

Well, I've just read a
review on that picture,

and it mentions you.

It mentions me?

The saloon brawl was highlighted

by the stunts of
Iron Man Carmichael.

The guy with the mustache

is a real daredevil, and he
did some great comedy falls.

"Comedy falls."

Those bruises were
nothing to laugh at.

But the money you got made
you smile all the way to the bank.

Well, not all the way.

I had to stop at the
doctor's for X-rays.

X-rays?

Yeah, they X-rayed my legs
and my arms and my head.

Fortunately, they found nothing.

- Listen, go get your tuna fish, will you?
- Yeah.

- I'm starved.
- Oh, by the way,

do you want to go to
the races tomorrow?

- The races?
- Yeah, a friend gave me a ticket.

Oh, I'd love to.

You know, I've never
been to the races.

Although, I don't know.

Since I've been
working at the bank,

Mr. Mooney depends on me so.

I don't know if he could
spare me for the day.

Well, why don't you
call him and find out.

Okay.

Okay, maybe he's home.

- Yeah, I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Come on in; the door's open.

Hello. Is Mr. Mooney there?

No, unfortunately, he's here.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, well, uh, when he gets
home, tell him never mind,

'cause he's here.

Yeah.

Gee, I was just calling
you to ask you something.

My, my, what a coincidence.

That's precisely the
reason I came over here.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Mrs. Carmichael,
would you explain

this bit of bookkeeping you
worked on the other day?

Sure.

Are the figures wrong?

"Wrong" is such a
feeble description.

Mrs. Carmichael, as you know,

we have a $2 million
electronic computer

that can solve any and all
mathematical problems, up to

and including the
number of grains of sand

in the Sahara desert.

Yeah, so they say.

Yes.

Well, we fed your,
uh, bookkeeping

into the computer just to
double-check and verify,

and believe it or
not, Mrs. Carmichael,

the machine went into shock
and blew out every power line

between here and Boulder Dam!

Oh, dear.

Those machines... They
just can't be relied on.

They can't be relied on?!

Well, I'm glad
you agree with me.

Agree with you?! I
couldn't agree with you less!

For the love of
heaven, if you did...

I've never met a wo...

I'd better get out of here
before I blow my fuse.

Oh, you make me...

What were you calling me about?

Oh, it doesn't matter now.

What, what, what, what,
what, what, what, what,

what-what-what, what, what?!

I was just wondering, maybe I...

Could I have tomorrow off?

Yes, Mrs. Carmichael,
you may have tomorrow off.

As a matter of fact,

why don't you take
a couple of days off.

The rest might
be very beneficial.

Well, thank you, Mr. Mooney.

How nice of you to be
thinking of my health.

I was thinking of my health!

Oh, well, thanks, anyway.

Now, I-I'll be able to go
to the racetrack tomorrow.

- The racetrack?
- Yes, yes.

You are going to the races?

Yes. A friend of mine
has a couple of tickets.

Uh, they're free tickets.

I-I've never seen
the horses run.

If you want to
see the horses run,

you stay at home and look
at a Western on television.

Oh, but, Mr. Mooney, I...

Going to the racetrack

is a very bad habit that can
lead you on the road to poverty.

And in your precarious
financial situation,

you don't need any
help to get there!

But, gee, Mr. Mooney...

No "but gee's"!

And no going to the track!

Oh!

He gets so darn mad!

Gee!

Honestly.

Here's the tuna fish.

How'd you make
out with Mr. Mooney?

Well, it was sort of yes and no.

Yes and no?

Yes, I have the day off

and, no, I can't
go to the track.

And you're gonna listen to him?

Well, no and yes.

No and yes?

No, I'm not gonna listen to him

and, yes, I'm
going to the track.

Oh, gee, Mary Jane, this
is such a beautiful track.

And I just love the lake.

Yeah, they put that in so the
losers can drown themselves.

Well, you don't have
anything to worry about.

You're way ahead.

Well, Lucy, you're
my lucky charm.

Oh?

Yeah, you-you
hit my last winner.

How?

What do you mean?

You said "hot
stuff" and I bet on it.

Oh, for heaven's
sake, Mary Jane.

I was talking about the
mustard on my hot dog.

Well, it was a good
hunch bet and it won.

Oh.

I would never bet on a hunch.

Listen, don't you think

you ought to go and
collect your money?

Oh, I always wait till
the crowd thins out.

But if it's a big crowd,
they might run out of money.

Gee, I never thought of that.

Let's go.

You bet.

Here, don't you
want your ticket?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, uh, uh...

I'd like a table, please.

Uh, preferably
near the finish line.

I want to see my winner come in.

Well, I could seat
you at this table.

Oh.

Uh, but you'd have to share it.

I'd prefer to be alone.

Well, I'm awfully sorry,
sir, that's all I have left.

Oh? Well, all right, thank you.

- I-I'll take it.
- Good.

The horses are
coming onto the track

for the fifth race.

Now let's pick the
winner in the next race.

Okay.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael, I see
you've disregarded my advice.

You're here at the track.

Where are you, at Disneyland?

No wonder you didn't
want me to come here.

You were afraid
I'd see you here.

Not at all.

I have never been to a
racetrack before in my life.

Ha!

Well, it's true.

As a matter of fact,

I-I'm just here
for this one race.

You see, last night, I
had an amazing dream.

I dreamed that I
was a racehorse.

You dreamed you
were a racehorse?!

Yes, I was a racehorse,
and I won the fifth race.

Yes.

Well, uh, laughingly,
this morning,

I told my wife Irma about it...

- Irma?
- Yes, Irma is his wife.

They've been
married for 25 years.

Oh, you sure know
how to hurt a guy.

Anyway, I told Irma my
dream, and lo and behold,

she looked up in the newspaper,

and there was a horse
named Banker's Dream

running in the fifth race,
and the odds were 25-to-one.

Now, don't tell me that
you believe in hunches,

for heaven's sake.

No, no, I don't
believe in hunches.

But Irma does.

And so she insisted
that we bet on this race.

So, if you ladies
will excuse me,

I'll go and place my bet.

Uh, I mean, I'll go and
invest, uh, my ten dollars.

How do you like that?

Why don't you bet
on Banker's Dream?

You like hunches.

The newspaper says
it hasn't got a chance.

No wonder the
odds are 25 to one.

Well, I'm gonna figure out
the next winner scientifically.

Well, I'm gonna see
what the experts say.

"Sweet Corn should
win if runs best race.

"Kitty Cat real
sharp, can take this.

"Only Irving up in
class, might steal it all.

Span Globe can be
upset winner here."

Sounds like they could all win

if they just come
out of the barn.

"Baby Blue can win if gets in.

Redhead Mary can
win if fast track..."

That's it!

What's it?

That's the horse to bet on.

And I'm gonna bet with
you this time, a dollar each.

It's a very good
bet... Redhead Mary.

Why? Because my name is
Mary and you're a redhead?

Lucy, are you a real redhead?

What's the difference?

We're only betting two dollars.

You said you never
made hunch bets, Lucy.

This is not a hunch bet.

I figured this
out scientifically.

What's your science?

Redhead Mary is number
nine in the program,

and this is the fifth race,
and nine times five is 45.

Now, the race is six
furlongs, and six plus 45 is 51.

The jockey's weight
is 119 pounds,

and 119 plus 51 is 170.

Now divide 170 by the
horse's age, which is ten,

and that leaves 17.

Then add the amount we're
going to bet, which is two dollars,

and it comes to 19.

Then subtract ten
and the answer is nine.

And Redhead Mary is nine.

But, Lucy, why did you
subtract ten from 19?

Well, how else could I
make it come out nine?

That's good enough for me.

Let's go bet.

Certainly.

- Mrs. Carmichael!
- What?

- Thank heaven you're still here.
- Why?

Here... here's ten dollars.

I want you to buy a ticket
to win on Banker's Dream.

- I've got to get out of here.
- Why? What happened?

I just saw one of the
bank's biggest depositors.

Did he see you?

No, no, no, but I can't
take any chances.

A banker at a racetrack is
as conspicuous as Yul Brynner

standing among the Beatles.

- I've just got to get out.
- Okay.

Now remember, ten dollars to
win on Banker's Dream and hurry.

Yes.

Lucy, the ten dollar
windows are down there.

- Okay.
- And I'll be over here.

All right.

The horses are at the gate.

They're getting in now,

and Our Choice just
unseated her jockey.

He's up now.

He's not hurt, and
he's back in the saddle.

Now Our Choice is
going into the starting gate.

The flag is up...

and they're off and running.

At the start it's Our Choice,
Baby Blue, Banker's Dream,

Only Irving, Van
Gogh, Redhead Mary

and others are trailing.

Rounding the turn, it's
Our Choice by a nose.

Banker's Dream second by a head.

Oh, which one was that?

Only Irving third

and Redhead Mary
is closing ground.

Down the stretch
and heading for home,

it's Banker's Dream
and Redhead Mary

- fighting for the lead.
- Come on, Redhead Mary!

- It's Banker's Dream...
- Come on, Redhead Mary!

Now they head for the
wire. It's Redhead Mary...

- Come on, Redhead Mary!
- And Banker's Dream.

- It's Redhead Mary by a length.
- Come on, Redhead Mary!

The winner is Redhead Mary!

Redhead Mary!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I got carried away.

That's all right, lady.

I'm sure glad you
didn't use a whip.

- Lucy, Lucy! Lucy, Lucy!
- Oh, we won!

We won!

We'll get plenty of money
for this two dollar ticket.

Yeah, well, poor
Mr. Mooney is out ten dollars.

But, happy New Year, Mr. Mooney.

Here, you cash these tickets.

No, we'll cash it together.

- Come on.
- Let's go.

- Oh, hi, Mary Jane.
- Oh, hi.

- How you doing?
- Oh, this is our lucky day.

- We picked a winner.
- Good.

Yeah.

Oh, Lucy, this is Danny
Doyle, a director at our studio.

This is Lucy Carmichael.

- How do you do?
- Ah. Mrs. Carmichael.

Carmichael!

Say, are you by any chance
related to the stuntman

Iron Man Carmichael?

Uh, Iron Man? Uh,
he's my brother.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I've been looking all
over town for that guy.

- Oh.
- I've got a great stunt for him

tomorrow in my
new pirate picture.

- Oh.
- Where is he?

He... oh, he's, uh, uh,
he's in Miami, Florida.

Oh, really? What's he doing?

He's got a job.

He's boxing polar bears.

Polar bears in Florida?

Uh, yeah, I guess they
went there for the winter.

Anyway, he's very busy.

Well, I'm sorry he's tied up.

- I had a great job for him.
- Oh.

If you'll excuse me, I want
to figure out this next race.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.

Lucy, why don't you
be Iron Man again?

You can make some money,
and you need that green stuff.

Yeah, well, to get that green,
you have to get black-and-blue.

Doing stunts is for the birds.

This is the way to make money.

Come on, let's collect.

Your attention, please.

Hold all tickets.

There's been an
inquiry into the last race,

and Redhead Mary
has been disqualified.

Oh, no!

What, what, what
happened?! What happened?!

Redhead Mary didn't win.

Oh, but that's not fair!

They can't do that!

The official winner
of the fifth race

is now Banker's Dream.

Oh, darn.

Oh, well at least
Mr. Mooney won on his ticket.

I just tore up his ticket!

Oh, Lucy, that was worth $250.

- How much?
- $250.

Oh, we got to get it and
put it back together again.

Oh, Mr. Mooney will k*ll me.

He will just k*ll me.

Oh, no.

Here's a piece of it.

About 30 cents worth.

He'll never settle for that.

Oh, no. Oh, Mary Jane.

Oh, how could I do
such a stupid thing.

Oh!

Something wrong,
Mrs. Carmichael?

Oh, yeah, I was
just looking for, uh...

For what?

Uh... uh... for you.

For me?

Yes. Uh, my brother Iron Man

might be able to
do that stunt job.

But you said he was in Florida.

- Yeah, well, he's back.
- Good.

Tell him he's going to make
an easy $200 tomorrow.

Yeah, well, we won't do it
for less than $250, though.

Okay, he'll get $250.

Iron Man is worth it.

You tell him he's got a
7:00 call at the studio.

Right. Thank you.

Well, Iron Man rides
again, I'm afraid.

Well, Mr. Mooney, good morning.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Doyle.

Welcome aboard.

Oh, thank you very much.

Say, uh, this is quite an
elaborate set you have here.

It should be, Mr. Mooney;
it cost enough.

Oh, well, that's
what concerns me.

You see, this is the first time

my bank has ever
invested in a movie.

Do pirate pictures make money?

Mr. Mooney, as a
director of action pictures,

I can promise you we
have never had a failure.

Well, that's a relief.

Now we're going to
rehearse in a few minutes.

Why don't you stick
around and watch?

Well, I'd like to go over
to stage number three.

They're making one of those
beach pictures over there.

Are they making another
one of those pictures?

Yes. This one is called

Who's the Dirty Meanie Who
Stole Grandmother's Bikini?

Mr. Mooney, does your bank
have money in that picture?

No, no, but I wish they did.

They're spending practically
nothing on costumes.

Oh, boy, whoo-whoo!

Well, when you
finish over there,

you come back here and watch us.

Well, if I can drag myself away.

I want all the stuntmen
on the set, please.

The script girl, too, please.

Stay with me.

Good heavens.

It's Mr. Mooney.

What's he doing here?

He'll never recognize you, Lucy.

Oh, excuse me.

Can you tell me the
way to stage three?

It's the stage to the right.

Oh, thank you very
much; thank you.

Say, aren't you Mrs.
Carmichael's friend?

Yes.

Oh.

Well, possibly you could
tell me where she is.

Oh, well, that's a coincidence.

She's looking for you.

She wants to give you the
money you won at the track.

Maybe she's at the bank.

No, no, she isn't at the bank.

She isn't at home either.

No. Of course, if it was
anyone but Mrs. Carmichael,

I might suspect that she'd
absconded with my winnings.

But of course, she's honest,

she's trustworthy,
she's depen...

She's probably in Las
Vegas with my money.

All right.

All stuntmen over here, please.

Script girl, you stay with me.

Now is everybody here?

Iron Man! Where's Iron Man?

Right here.

Well, if it ain't Iron Man.

I guess you feel pretty good

after getting those
great reviews.

Well, well, well.

No one's gonna
get away with that!

No, now, come on!

Cut it out, cut
it out, cut it out.

Now, look, men, I want
to discuss some changes.

Since we have been lucky enough

to get Iron Man here, we're
going to switch parts around.

Rusty, I want you
to play Cutlass Joe

and Iron Man, you
play Scurvy Sam.

You told me that I
could play Scurvy Sam!

Eh, let him have the part.

He's scurvier than I am.

No, no, no, no, I want you.

Now, come on, Rusty,
give Iron Man the patch.

I'll see that you don't get
good reviews on this show.

Come on, cut it out, cut it out.

Save that for the picture.

All right, now, we're
going to start here,

where we fight
over the treasure.

Now, men, remember,
you have been swigging rum

all day, and you're
mean, mean, mean.

Scurvy Sam,
you're the ringleader.

You want all the
jewels and gold.

All I want is 250 bucks.

You'll get it, you'll get it.

All right, now,
everybody get your props.

Well, Mr. Mooney, back so soon?

How'd you like
your bikini picture?

They threw me off the set.

Oh, were you smoking?

No, drooling.

Well, you stick close to me.

We'll show you some real action.

All right, now, everybody
around the treasure chest,

and we're gonna start with
a fight over the treasure.

This is where I get
you... In this scene.

Wise guy, huh?

Action.

All right, cut, cut, cut, cut.

That's fine. That's perfect.

Let's get set for
the next scene.

All stuntmen down here.

Now, that's definitely...

What'd you do that for?

You said all stuntmen down here.

Well, I was wrong.

I want you back up
on the poop deck.

Oh, I'm too pooped
to make the poop.

Aw, come on, Sam, you can do it.

Men, I want you to
put some life into this.

This is where you
get rid of Scurvy Sam.

Yeah, get rid of me, please.

Let me walk the plank.

No, no, you don't
walk the plank.

We sh**t you out of a cannon.

You sh**t me out of a cannon?!

Not me, you don't. I quit.

Who wants to make 250 bucks?

All right, just call
me Cannonball.

All right, men, stuff
her into the cannon.

Stuff him into the cannon.

Boy, you sure got a lot of guts

to let 'em sh**t
you out of a cannon.

Well, why not?

This is the only way to fly.

Tamp him in good.

All right, light the fuse.

Sir, that took courage.

Let me shake your hand.

That was great,
Iron Man; just great.

Now, that's all for today.

Go get your check for 250 bucks.

Just make the check out
to Theodore J. Mooney.

Me? Why?

Banker's Dream, buddy.

And I'm off and running.