04x12 - Lucy Saves Milton Berle

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
Post Reply

04x12 - Lucy Saves Milton Berle

Post by bunniefuu »

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Speaking as
Milton Berle's agent,

I'll see that he does it.

Oh, he'll do it.

He's coming over to discuss it.

Right. Good-bye.

Yes?

Mr. Berle is here.

Uh, one moment.

Send him in.

I'm in. I'm in.
I'm in, pal. I'm in!

I'm in.

How are you, Jerry?

Beautiful. I love your office.

Beautifully decorated.

Wonderful wall-to-wall Berle.

That's beautiful and...

Oh, another picture of
my favorite comedian.

- Milton!
- Yeah, what is it? What is it?

- Milton, sit down.
- What is it, Jerry?

Milton, I called you
in to talk about the part

- you're playing in the next movie.
- Yeah?

Have you read the script yet?

Oh, I read the script, Jerry.

It's a great role for me.

An alcoholic,
down-and-out, poor hobo.

Milton, this is a
sensitive, serious role.

Oh, stop worrying.
Are you kidding?

Didn't I just finish
Joe Levine's picture?

Before you start,
the producer feels

you should do a little research.

Research? What do
you mean, research?

If you're going to play the
part of an alcoholic derelict,

- Yeah?
- You've got to live like one.

What do you mean by that?

Well, when Paul Newman
played the part of a prizefighter,

he actually lived
as a prizefighter

for several weeks
before he played the part.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

Marlon Brando lived as a
cowboy before he played the part.

I wonder what part
Sinatra's rehearsing for.

I just asked. That's all.

- You know what I mean.
- No.

Dig into the
character of this guy.

Go down into the slums.

Mingle with the men
who only look forward

to their bottle of
booze every day.

Very simple. I'll spend the
weekend with Dean Martin.

That should be
very good research.

Milton, by research I
mean you should go down

and live like a
derelict on skid row.

- Live on skid row?
- Yes.

- Are you kidding?
- No, no. I'm not kidding.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I'm taking you to the
South Side Soup Kitchen.

What?

I said I'm taking you to the
South Side Soup Kitchen.

- South Side Soup Kitchen?
- Mm.

There you are.

There you are, sir.

Just a minute.

There you are.

Nice piece of meat.

Oh, Lucy, I just love
doing this volunteer work.

So do I.

Oh, we're out of plates.

Oh, dishwasher,
more plates, right away!

That's it.

What's it?

I have done my last dish.

Oh, come on, now, Mr. Mooney.

You can't quit.

I am turning in my apron.

Three guys working out there
in the kitchen just whistled at me.

So what?

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, I am not

going to be washing
dishes all day and all night.

We're not going
to be here tonight.

No, but my wife makes
me do them at home, too.

So I'm going to get my
coat and go to the bank.

Oh.

Well, we lost the dishwasher.

Well, you know, maybe
we should have let him

put the lettuce on the salads.

He's only happy when
he's handling green stuff.

You know, Lucy, these men
seem to be enjoying the food.

Yeah, I'm glad they're
eating their dinner

instead of drinking it.

You know, I heard
that last New Year's Day

they served chicken
in wine sauce.

They had over 200 chickens,
and it was gone in ten minutes.

They ran out of all that
chicken in ten minutes?

No, they ran out of wine sauce.

Well, I think they like
what we're serving today.

I think they like
the way it looks.

It's attractive.

For instance, look... the salad.

Oh, you like my salad?

I think it's beautiful.

It's not just a hunk of
lettuce thrown on the plate.

It shows that you
took time and patience,

and I think the
men appreciate that.

Well, I always was an
artist with cottage cheese.

Oh, yes, sir.

There you are, sir.

How do you like that?

Did you see what
he did to my salad?

Well, you're lucky.

The last guy put ketchup on it.

Come on, let's get
at the pots and pans.

We lost our fat dishwasher.

Ah, no.

Well, this is it, Milton.

This is it. I was here once.

Jack Benny took
me here for dinner.

I'll never forget.

He picked up the check
and left me with the tip.

Boy, what a place...

- Milton, Milton.
- Yeah?

You're not a comic.

- You're a derelict, an alcoholic.
- Yeah. Yeah.

And you're here
to study the drunks.

I'm going to study
them, and don't worry.

I-I got a lot of practice.

You know what I just did?

I even filled this
whiskey bottle with tea

to make it authentic.

See, I'm not a wino.

I'm a tea-o.

Oh, Milton, even when
you're a tramp, you're hilarious.

- Good luck, Milton.
- Yeah.

Now, look. Look, uh, hey, Jerry,

I'll back in the office
in about two hours.

Wait a minute. What do
you mean, a couple of hours?

Well, it'll take me that
long to study the men.

I'll be back there
in a couple of hours.

Oh, Milton, it'll take much
longer than a couple of hours.

Oh, you mean it'll
take a couple of days?

- No.
- Good.

It'll take a couple of weeks.

Two weeks.

Good-bye.

Oh, if I live here,
I may die here.

- Got everything?
- Yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

We've accomplished
all we can for one day.

Well, I don't know
about that, Mary Jane.

I just wish we could have
done more for these poor men.

What else could we do?

We served over 100
meals. That's a lot.

Well, I mean, I'd like to do
something permanent for them.

You know, something worthwhile.

Like what?

Oh, I'd like to take
one of these poor souls

and make a man out of him again.

I'd like to rehabilitate
one of them.

Now, that would be
an accomplishment.

That would be a miracle.

Well, I'd just like to take
the most hopeless one.

You know, someone
who's really a challenge.

Like that poor soul over there.

Look at him.

He's not sitting
with the others.

He's not talking to anybody.

Just drinking his life away.

Now, that's a challenge
if I ever saw one.

- Pardon me, sir.
- Yeah?

I noticed you're not eating.

I'm not... I'm not hungry.

Oh.

Just a little hot soup, maybe?

No, look, lady, will you
please just leave me alone?

I just... I just
want to sit here.

I... I don't want any help.

Mary Jane, this is my man.

I am going to
rehabilitate that man.

Don't you think
it's a little too late?

No. No.

Come on, you poor soul.

We're taking you out of here.

I don't want to go.

I want to stay here.

I don't want to
live. I want to die!

Oh, Mary Jane, he's perfect.

He wants to die and everything.

- Oh, come on. Help me with him.
- Oh, no.

- No, I want to stay here.
- Come on, now.

- You're coming with me.
- No, you women stay away.

- Come on, sir.
- No, you don't understand.

- I won't go! No!
- You don't understand.

I-I won't go. No,
I have to stay.

I have to stay here!
I have to stay...

No, please, let go of my...!

No, I want to stay!
No, I want to stay!

I don't want to! No!

No, please, no!

Let me alone! Let me alone!

I don't want to!

You're going to stay
here and let us help you.

Mary Jane, go find
him a place to stay.

I... I don't want
a place to stay.

- No!
- I don't want a place to stay.

- Don't lock the door! Don't...
- You're staying right here.

Don't lock the door, please.

You're staying right here.

Oh, no.

I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.

You're not getting out of here.

You're staying right here.

I don't want you sleeping
on any park bench tonight.

You're going to
feel a lot better

sleeping in a nice, soft bed.

- Soft beds are very bad for me 'cause...
- Why?

- I have a bad back. You see?
- You have a bad back?

Yeah. I walk funny.

See this? I walk funny.

Oh, well, that's terrible.

- That's why I have a bad back.
- Yeah, all right.

Well, don't you worry.
Things are going to be

a lot different now
that I've found you.

Yeah, I wish you'd lose me.

- Good-bye.
- Now, look.

- Don't be hostile.
- I'm not hostile.

I-I'm only trying to
help you, Mr., uh, uh...

I don't even know your name.

Ber... uh...

Berman.

- Berman?
- Yeah.

Mr. Berman.

- Mr. Berman.
- Yeah.

Just like the comedian,
Shelley Berman.

And you know something?

I'll bet you could
be just as successful

as he is if you tried.

What's your first
name, Mr. Berman?

Uh, um...

Herman.

Herman Berman?

Well, you see, lady,
my father was a poet,

and he named my
sister Sherman Berman.

- I have to go. I got to go.
- No, you can't leave.

- I got to go, lady! I have to go!
- You're gonna stay here.

You need help, and I'm
going to give it to you.

- Oh, no, please, lady.
- I'm going to give you a fresh start.

- Don't you understand?
- Do me a favor.

- Open the door and give me a new start.
- No!

Now, you're going to get
yourself all cleaned up.

- I'm not...
- Yes, you are.

Don't take my coat
off. No, lady, please.

Yes, you are. You're going to
get shaved and all cleaned up.

- Please.
- And I'm going to wash your shirt for you.

- Wait a minute. What are you...
- I'm going to give you

- a nice, wonderful shirt.
- No, please.

You're going to be a new man.

There's a draft
around here, lady.

- You're going to be a new man now.
- I don't want to be.

- Just... yes, now, listen.
- I want to be what I am.

I want to be a
derelict and a bum.

You're going to feel a lot
better when you get shaved

and washed and cleaned...

You know, I'd swear I've
seen you some other place.

If it wasn't for that scar.

Where did you get that scar?

- What... oh, this? This scar?
- Yeah.

Oh.

- I did it myself.
- How?

I was so depressed, I
wanted to cut my wrist,

- and I had bad aim.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- I got to get out of here.

No, you don't.

- Now, you do need help.
- Oy.

Now, you stay right here while
I get some towels and things.

Get you all freshened up,

and I'll give you
a nice, clean shirt.

Now, you just sit
back and relax.

- Yeah.
- Now, let me take the bottle.

- No!
- Ooh. All right.

Don't you take my bottle!

All right. Okay.

- This is my bottle!
- All right. Okay.

You be a good boy,
now, till I get back.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll get you some towels.

Yeah, get me some towel...

I forgot the sugar.

Come on, now. I want you...

Oh, Mr. Berman, you've
been drinking again.

How can you tell?

Oh, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Yeah, my bottle is empty.

- Well...
- I got no more liquor!

Well, look, you give me this,
and I'll make you some tea.

No! Don't make any more tea.

Oh, all right. Okay, okay.

- Don't make any more t...
- All right.

What's the matter?

- Don't let it get me.
- What?

Don't let it get me...
That-that big hairy spider

up there on the chandelier.

There's a big hairy spider?

Yeah, right up there
on the chandelier.

On the chandelier?

Yeah, right up there!

Well, I don't see
any hairy spider.

We don't even have a chandelier.

Go away, shh, boo, go away.

Now it's all gone.

- Is he gone?
- Yeah, it's all gone.

- Yes, good.
- It's all gone now.

What about that giant bee?

- Where?!
- Right over there!

You see a giant bee?

There's a giant bee over there!

All right, I'll get something!

Ah, the bee!

Get away, bee!

Oh.

The giant bee's coming at me.

- Where's the bee?
- He's attacking me.

- Where?
- There he is!

Here he is on my cheek!

There he is. I'll get him.

Yeah, right there.

Did you k*ll the bee?

Dead bee right there.

- What about that purple giraffe?
- Where?

Behind you.

- Yeah. Okay.
- k*ll it, k*ll it.

No, you hit him in the knee.

A little higher. k*ll it.

- Get up on the chair.
- Oh, all right, I'll k*ll him.

- There! That's better.
- I got him right between the eyes.

Yeah... No. You can't
k*ll a giraffe like that.

- Oh, yes, I can.
- Not with this.

This is giraffe spray.

- Is it giraffe spray?
- Yeah.

See, he's falling, he's falling.

He's...

- He's dying.
- The giraffe is dying.

Yeah, he's dead.

Look what you
did to the giraffe!

Look what you did to him!

He's dead!

- I know he's dead.
- He's dead!

Oh, my giraffe.

I feel terrible.

Well, why?

He was a mean old
giraffe to scare you.

I messed up your room
with a terrible dead giraffe.

Oh, that's all right.

I'll sweep it under the rug.

- Yeah.
- Now, come on.

- No!
- What's the matter?

Don't step on the giraffe.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Pick him up.

Yeah, well, I... I
want you to lie down.

- No, no, I'm never gonna lie down.
- Come on.

I can't rest till we get
this giraffe out of here.

Oh, boy.

You may be drunk,
but you sure are neat.

If there's one
thing I can't stand,

is to have a dead
giraffe in a living room.

Oh, okay, all right. If
it'll make you happy,

we'll get it out of here.

All right, pick it up.

- Oh!
- What's the matter?!

You picked up the bee.

Now pick up the giraffe.

- Okay.
- All right.

I'll take this side.

- All right. All right.
- I'll take this side,

and we'll put him over here.

All right. What end have I got?

I don't know.

I-I guess you got the other end.

I got the head.

Yeah, figures I
got the heavy end.

- Yeah.
- All right, what do we do with him now?

Got to open the
door, let him out.

- I got to open the door?
- Open the door.

- Open the door.
- I got to put him down first.

- Put him down first.
- Yeah.

- Open the door. Open the door.
- Okay.

- Yeah, well...
- Get the key.

Yeah, I'll open it.

I can't stand a
dead giraffe in here.

It's all right,
we'll get him out.

- Now pick him up.
- Okay.

- Back up.
- I am.

Got to get, I got
to get his neck out.

How long is his neck?

About so long.

How long?

Oh... so long!

Mr. Berman!

Here, hold the giraffe!

Hold the giraffe?

No! No!

Stop running away.

Don't bring me back!

- For heaven's sake.
- Don't bring me...!

You are staying right here.

Now, you st...
stop running away.

This doesn't make any
sense. We're trying to help you.

But you're not helping
me, you're hurting me!

And if you don't stop, I-I
swear I'll k*ll you a million times.

I...

Did you hear what he said?

"I'll k*ll you a million times."

I, uh, I-I did not.

I did not say that.

No wonder he looks familiar.

And that funny walk.

Do you know who he is?

Sure that's who it is!

He's Jackie Gleason!

Ah, no.

No, Lucy, it's Milton Berle.

Milton Berle?

Oh!

Oh, I knew his
show went off the air,

but I never thought
he'd come to this.

I used to watch his show,
and I thought he'd come to this.

Listen, I am not Milton Berle.

Well, you look just like him.

Well, that's...
it's-it's the mistake,

because I-I'm his, uh,

I'm his twin
brother, Arthur Berle.

I didn't know he
had a twin brother.

Yeah, well, nobody does.

Nobody does.

My brother Milton,
he keeps me hidden

because he-he knows
that I'm funnier than he is.

He stole all my jokes and
stole everything from me.

He didn't.

Yes, he did.

And you know all those things,

like "I swear I'll k*ll
you a million times"?

- Yeah.
- He stole that from me.

Oh, no.

Yeah, and the funny
walk and all that stuff.

- That was yours?
- Yeah, that was all mine.

And he's making a
fortune on that stuff!

- That's right.
- Oh, that's terrible.

- That is terrible!
- Yeah.

Why, I think Milton...

Why, Milton Berle even
steals from his own brother!

I think he should be exposed.

No.

- Why not?
- It would only get me into trouble.

You see, I-I swore to
everybody, if I ever told anybody

that I was his brother,
you know what he'd do?

He'd k*ll me a million...

Oh.

Well, that's just terrible.

That is just terrible.

Yeah, it is.

Is there anything that we
can do to help you, Arthur?

Yes, there is something.

What? Anything.

Please let me go.

Just please let me go and
let me keep my secret, huh?

Well, if that's what you want.

- It's not what I want...
- Oh?

It's what I must do.

Oh.

It's a far better thing I do...

than I have ever done before.

I must go.

I must go off into oblivion

so my brother Milton
can remain a star.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

But I must go.

I must go.

You got to get that
giraffe out of here.

Gee, that's sad.

That is a very sad story.

I meant his acting.

Oh.

Well, I just think it's
horrible that Milton Berle

can live in luxury and
let his poor brother starve.

Oh, honestly!

Mary Jane, I'm taking an oath.

Somewhere, someday, somehow,
I'm gonna fix that Milton Berle.

Ah, well, Mr. Mooney, I
must say that you are certainly

one of the most progressive
executives at the bank.

Well, thank you, Mr. Potter.

But since we are
financing the picture,

I thought we might as
well get in on the publicity.

As a matter of fact,
this may turn out to be

a better idea than
that free soup kitchen.

Th-That got us
a lot of goodwill.

Yes, and dishpan hands, too.

Well, I'll get some
refreshments,

and you just wait
over there a minute.

Fine, thank you.

Would you like
to buy my flowers?

Flowers? Flowers?

Would you like
to buy my flowers?

No, thank you.

Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Carmich...!

Shh.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing in that
cheesy Mary Poppins outfit?

I read that Milton Berle
was gonna be here

for a press party today.

Oh, oh.

And you want to give him
that dress to wear in his act.

I happen to be here for
a very humane reason.

A very humane reason?

Yes.

Two weeks ago, I took an
oath, because poor Mr. Berle...

Arthur, not Milton... saw
purple giraffes and hairy spiders,

and-and because his
brother... Milton, not Arthur...

Stole his very funny walk

and his "I'll k*ll
you a million times."

He stole all that.

And this is my chance to get
even with Milton... not Arthur...

For making him see giant
bees and bats in his hair,

live his whole life out of
a bottle and everything.

M-Mrs.-Mrs. Carmichael,

I haven't been so confused

since our bank started
compounding interest daily.

Just-Just answer one question.

Whatever you're going to do,
are you going to do it to me?

No.

Oh! Well, that's
worth a flower any day.

Thank you. No?

Oh.

Hello, folks! How are you?

Welcome to my press party,
and I'm very glad to see you.

Hello, George. Hello, Eleanor.

Hello, Sid. How are you?

How are you? I hope you
have a good story for us.

Always have a good
story for the press.

Sit down.

Uncle Miltie!

That's me.

Here, c-can I have
your autograph, please?

He wants my autograph.

I saw you do your act
20 years ago in Cincinnati.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And two weeks ago in Las
Vegas, I saw you do the same act.

Shall we sit down, Eleanor?

Everybody gather around.

Have quite a few
things... Well, Eleanor?

- Oh, now, Milton.
- I'm very... Yes, darling?

The one thing I want to
tell my readers is that...

- Yeah?
- Despite your brashness,

you really have a heart of gold.

Well, Eleanor, I've tried
not to lose my humbleness.

- Buy my flowers, lady?
- You know what I mean?

Buy my flow...

Milton Berle!

They all know me.

They all know me
from king to commoner.

And she's a little
commoner than most.

Oh, he looks just
like his twin brother.

What?

I didn't know you
had a twin brother.

Yeah, well, they don't
look much alike anymore,

you see, 'cause
this one's so well-fed

and his brother's starving.

Now, wait a minute,
young lady. Wait a minute!

Oh! Are you finished with that?

That's just an olive pit.

Oh, that's all right.

I'll grind it up
for your brother.

He can make soup
for his whole family.

His brother is that poor?

Yeah, yeah. His brother
and I have stood in

lots of breadlines
together down on skid row.

I take the crust and I
let him have the soft part,

'cause he doesn't
have any teeth at all.

Please, just...

Don't write that down.

Don't write that down, please.

Do you want the names of
his nine kids for your story?

His twin brother has nine kids?

Yeah, the smallest
one is named Tiny Tim.

Now, wait a minute!

Sorry, Eleanor. I didn't...

Food, food!

- I want this for your brother.
- No, no, get away!

I want all this food
for your brother.

No, get away from
there! Get away!

Here, here! Stop kicking
that poor little lady.

See, your brother doesn't
get any greens at all,

so I have to take it all.

Unless his bread gets moldy,
he doesn't get anything like this.

Now, give me that and...!

Just a minute!

Stop kicking
that little old lady.

Now, this is all a mistake!

- It's a mistake, is it?
- Yeah.

Well, you can have
your old autograph back!

And you can't be my
Uncle Miltie anymore, either!

Come up here!

Come up here, young lady!

Now, are you satisfied?

Are you satisfied?

Yeah, yeah, that'll teach you

to be mean to your brother,

and steal his jokes and
make him see purple giraffes.

I was...

Purple giraffes?

Yeah.

Now I know who you are.

You're the kook
from the soup kitchen.

- How did you know that?
- How did I know?

'Cause I was the one that
you dragged to your apartment.

I was the one who
saw the purple giraffe!

Are you Arthur Berle?

No, I am not Arthur Berle.

- There is no Arthur Berle.
- Well, who are you?

I am Milton Berle!

That was me down
there on skid row.

You were on skid row?

That's right, I was on skid row.

Now you've
embarrassed me terribly

in front of all my press
and the friends here.

Now, will you straighten
the whole thing out?

Straighten it out,
once and for all!

I'd be very happy to
straighten the whole thing out.

You're darn right.

I'd be very happy to.

Milton Berle does not
have a twin brother.

That's right, I don't
have a twin brother.

But Milton Berle is the
cheapest man in the whole world!

What?!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

a rich man like you
eating in free soup kitchens

just so you save a few pennies!

Oh, no, it's...

Yeah! If you want free food,

- I'll give it to you.
- I...

Wait a minute!

Listen, everybody,
this is embarrassing!

Yeah, I was down
there on skid row,

but I was doing real
research for the role

that I'm portraying
in my next picture.

I play the part of an alcoholic.

And you... Look at
the mess you got me in.

- Ah, I'm sorry!
- Look at the mess you made.

- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
- If you weren't a girl,

- I'd hit you right in the mouth.
- I didn't mean to.

You know what I'm trying
to tell you! I was talking!

- I didn't mean...!
- I tried to...!
Post Reply