04x17 - Lucy Bags a Bargain

[bunniefuu]

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

All right, everyone.
Everybody on their toes.

Remember, this is the big sale.

Stand by.

One minute to zero hour.

How do you feel, Wilcox?

I'm scared, sir.

You make this sound like D-Day.

Do they ever get dangerous?

Only if you stand in one place.

Come on, boy. Good luck.

Thank you, sir.

- Now!
- Oh!

Can you tell me where
the dinette sets are?

No! No! No! No! No!

Uh, here, hold this.

How dare you?!

Come back here!

Why didn't you stop her?

Stop who? Look, I
just came in here...

Oh, sure.

You probably work together.

I'm going to report
you to the manager.

Mr. Collins. Mr. Collins,
come here, Mr. Collins.

What on earth?

Oh, pardon me, madam...

Take your hands
off of that! That's...

All right, all right!

Ah, I saw that.

- You saw what?
- That'll teach you.

What? Look, I just came
in here to get a dinette set.

I can't even find
out where they are.

Why didn't you ask someone?

I just tried to.

The dinette sets
are in section "E."

Thank you.

Attention, please.

Handbags, counter
seven, half price.

Look, can you tell me
where section "E" is?

No. I was just walking
along the street

when I got swept
in here by the mob.

Oh... what gets
into these people?

It's these once-a-year sales.

They go bargain crazy.

Well, it's just ridiculous

to get so excited
over a little discount.

I agree.

Attention, please.

Counter five, 60% off
on all those wonderful...

On what?! On what?!

On what?! On what?!

What's the discount on?

On what?! What's
the discount on?

- I got it!
- What is it, what is it?

- Sweaters, $6.95.
- Oh, wonderful!

Oh, wonderful, $6.95.

I got one! I got one!

- I got one.
- I saw you. Nice catch.

Oh, thank you.

I didn't think I'd ever get one.

Neither did I. Thank you.

Wait a minute. I thought
you were a saleslady.

Me, wait on these
people? Are you kidding?

But I-I-I... but
that's my sweater.

Now, that's not fair.

Good luck, sister.

At a bargain sale, it's
every man for himself.

If you can't stand
the heat, go buy retail.

Attention, please, attention!

All kitchenware
is now half price.

♪♪

♪♪

$66.

Oh, miss.

Have you found something?

Yes, yes, this
one, I'll take it.

Oh, dear. That one.

Oh, I should have warned you.

What about?
What's wrong with it?

Well, nothing's wrong with it,

but a very important
customer named Mrs. Walker

wanted me to hold it while
she checked with her decorator.

And she's coming
back any minute.

Oh, but I don't see
any hold tag on it.

Did she... Did she
leave a deposit?

No, she didn't.

Well, then it's mine.

No hold, it's sold.

Oh, dear, well, I don't
know. I'll have to... Oh!

- Miss Murray.
- Mrs. Walker, uh...

Good news, Miss Murray.

My decorator says I
can have the dinette set.

Mrs. Walker, I'm afraid
we have a conflict.

Over what?

Over me.

You!

Get off my table.

It's not your
table, it's my table.

Your table?!

Miss Murray, did I

or did I not tell you to
put a hold on that table?

Well, yes you did, Mrs. Walker,
but you didn't leave a deposit.

Quiet!

I not only happen to be

a close friend of the
owner of this store,

but I'm also a very
large stockholder.

You can say that again.

Oh! Oh!

Mr. Collins! Mr. Collins!

- I got it.
- Mr. Collins!

I got it! I got the dinette set!

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

It's about time someone told
off that bargain basement bully.

Now, is this a cash or a charge?

I'll write a check.

But go easy on the
tax, or I'll never make it.

Now let's see, all together
that comes to... 99 and tax.

$102.96.

What? One hundred and...?

How does it do that?

Well, you see right here.

For the dining room set
it's-it's $99 plus the ta...

Oh, no, no, no. It's $66.

Unless...

I looked at it upside down.

It's $99.

Oh, dear. My
beautiful dinette set.

After all this, I'm going
to lose it on a technicality.

Oh, dear, I am in trouble.

You're in trouble?

Oh, yes.

When Mrs. Walker starts
throwing her weight around,

and then they find out I
didn't sell you the set after all...

Oh, brother.

You mean you
might lose your job?

Oh, now, look, I'll get
the money somehow.

If I give you $50 down,

c-can you hold the set for a
week until I give you the rest?

Well, yes.

Oh, good. Then I'll
write you a check for $50.

Oh, thank you.

My name is Lucille Carmichael.

Lucille Carmichael.

Oh, thank you, Miss Carmichael.

And I do hope you can get
the rest of the money for the set.

So do I.

Right now it owns
more of me than I do of it.

Hello, Mr. Mooney.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael,
what an exhilarating surprise.

How nice of you to
stop by on your day off.

Well, thank you,
thank you very much.

May I take this opportunity
to compliment you

on the taste and unaffected
elegance of your attire?

Why, Mr. Mooney,
how very sweet of you.

You never noticed
my clothes before.

Oh, I always notice
what you're wearing

when you come in to
con me out of money.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, how
can you be so aggravating?

I take nasty pills.

Now, this time I need the money
for a very unusual emergency.

Mrs. Carmichael, you have
told me so many wild stories

about unusual emergencies

that I find it difficult to
believe anything you say.

Well, now this is the truth.

Stacey's Department Store
is having a big, big sale.

And-and-and I bought a
dinette set that cost $66,

but it turned out to be $99
because I was upside down.

That I believe.

Well, I wrote them a
check for half, and...

and they're holding
the set for a week,

and I've got to get the
rest of the money, and I...

or I'll lose the
set a-and the $50.

All right, Mrs. Carmichael,

I'm fully prepared to give
you an answer to your needs.

You mean you'll
give me the money?

No, just an answer.

Get a job and work for it.

A job?!

Yes, yes.

How can I get a job

when I work part-time for
you right here at the bank?

Well, get another part-time job.

Moonlight.

If Stacey's
Department Store is...

is having a big sale, well,
they'll need extra help.

Oh, I don't know if I
can get a job there.

For heaven's sake,
with the sale going on,

everything's so mixed up
and confused, it's a madhouse.

Well, you should certainly
find a place for yourself.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

Now look, either you get a job,

or you lose the dinette
set and deposit by default.

Now, it's up to you.
I'm a very busy man.

Good-bye.

Don't you ever take nice pills?

Come on, Mrs. Carmichael.

Maybe you'll work out
better in this department.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Collins.

I don't know why I failed
in the shoe department.

I'll tell you why.

Because when a woman
wants a size five shoe,

you don't try to prove
she wears a size nine.

Remember, the
customer is always right.

All right. Well,
I-I didn't really

like the shoe department.

I was much happier in
the perfume department.

I'm sure you were.

You spent most of your time
there ignoring the customers

and sniffing the bottles.

You were put in the
perfume department to sell,

not to smell.

Now then, I hope
you do better in here.

Yes, sir, I'll try.

Just remember, the
customer is always right.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, uh, may I... may I
show you something, madam?

Yes. I'd like a cocktail hat.

I'm going to a cocktail
party this evening.

Oh, yes, I have the perfect
cocktail hat for you right here.

I would never wear
that to a cocktail party.

Oh, that's what I said.

It's a very bad hat
for a cocktail party.

- How about that one next to it?
- Right here?

No, no, the black
one. The pillbox.

- Oh, the pillbox.
- Yes.

Oh, a very, very smart
selection, madam.

Shall we try it on?

If you please.

- Yes, ma'am...
- Please, miss, be careful.

Uh, are you sure
that'll stay on?

Well, uh, we'll
make sure it does.

We'll just put a pin in there.

And it's also a
very decorative pin.

Hmm.

Now, oh, madam,
that is so beautiful.

This hat is really you.

You couldn't have
made a better selection.

Well... I don't know.

I think I'll look around a bit.

Please! You'll muss it.

Oh, yes, we mustn't muss it.

I think I'll try this one.

Oh, would you put
it on for me, please?

Uh...

Oh, madam, you wouldn't
want to take this off.

Oh, oh, you just couldn't
take it off, it's so perfect for you.

Why, in my whole career, I...

I have never seen a hat
do so much for a person.

- But I...
- In fact, I bet

the designer made
this especially for you.

Or Elizabeth Taylor.

Now, really.

- Really?
- Yes.

Well, I do look a bit like Liz.

Yes, you do. Yes, you do, madam.

- Only prettier.
- Oh...

Now, will this be
cash or charge?

Well, I... I, um, uh, charge.

All right.

There we are.

Oh... uh, be sure to
put it in a good box.

Oh! Madam, you
wouldn't want to take it off.

If you do that, how
would anyone know

that you look so much
like Elizabeth Taylor?

All right. I'll wear it home.

Oh, wonderful. Wonderful.

I only hope you don't
run into Richard Burton.

It would confuse
the poor man so.

Oh, you just look divine.

- Oh!
- Just divine.

- Oh, well thank you.
- You're ravishing.

- Thank you very much.
- You're ravi...

Thank you.

Can you come this way, please?

And sit at this
table right over here.

Oh, miss, would you help
me with this customer, please?

Yes, of course.

- Uh, bring over those hatpins.
- Yes, ma'am.

Right, here you are.

Now, we put the bow
there... oh, that's lovely.

Isn't that lovely?

Oh, it's just divine.

You again! I thought
you were a customer.

I am. I mean, I was.

I mean, I-I work here now.

Oh, the help we have nowadays.

You've been haunting me all day.

What are you doing in
this department, anyway?

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Walker,
I just go where they tell me to.

Oh, if I could depend on that,
I'd really tell you where to go.

- Mr. Collins!
- Oh, no!

- Mr. Collins! Hello!
- Not Mr. Collins again.

Oh, dear.

Mrs. Carmichael,
may I inform you

that the sporting
goods department

is your very last
chance to make good!

Now, look, Mr. Collins,

I don't know anything
about sporting goods.

Can't I try some
other department?

In the teenage department,

when two boys came
in asking for records,

you tried to sell them ribbons.

Well, their hair was so
long, I thought they were girls.

Now come with me; we'll see
that you get suitably attired.

For what?

Well, the personnel
in this department

always dress in sports outfits,

to give the place a
proper atmosphere.

- Oh.
- You see?

These young ladies here...

They're demonstrating
tennis and ski equipment.

Oh, they look beautiful.

Well, what'll I wear?

Oh, we'll try to find
something that fits your...

personality.

All right, Mrs. Carmichael,
I haven't got all day.

Well, why couldn't I
wear something cute,

like that tennis outfit?
Why did I have to wear this?

You never know when
someone might want a hostess

for a live-bait bar.

- Honestly...
- Oh, may I help you, sir?

Uh, why, yes, uh... my little
boy has been hounding me

for some things
for his birthday,

and well, I just wanted to
make sure he can handle them

before I buy.

Well, that's a very
smart decision.

What does your boy want?

Well, first of
all, a pogo stick.

- A pogo stick?
- Yes.

Carmichael?

What?

Demonstrate a pogo
stick for the gentleman.

Demonstrate a-a-a-a pogo stick?

Pogo stick.

A po... uh, uh,
uh, one of these.

Yes.

Uh, dem... uh...

Yes, sir.

There!

You see? Your, your little
boy will become an expert

in no time at all. What
else does he want?

A pair of stilts.

Oh... are they very hard to use?

Uh, no, no, no, the
stilts are very simple.

I-I can even do
the watusi on stilts.

Just demonstrate the stilts.

Leave the dancing
to Fred Astaire.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Where are the stilts, sir?

- Stilts! Stilts.
- Stilts. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Stilts, uh, stilts
are very nice for a boy.

They're, they're
marvelous for him.

Real nice. Very,
very nice, there.

Just stay up.

You know, they're, they're
wonderful things to-to have

when you live in Los Angeles,
because on a clear day

you can see Catalina.

Gee, oh, you know something?

I can even ride on a
skateboard on stilts.

No, Mrs. Carmichael!

Oh...

I was just going to show him
how to use the stilts the hard way.

Well, never mind, never
mind. Give me those stilts.

All right. Oh, sir?

Uh, how about a basketball?

My, every boy should...

have a basketball.

- He's got a basketball.
- Oh.

Haven't you got anything
new and interesting?

Well, yes, we do have
a wonderful new item

that just came
to the store today.

- Carmichael?
- Yes?

- Come with me.
- Yes, sir.

Would your boy like a drum?

I wouldn't want to
spoil the boy, no.

No, with all those
things I think he'll have

- a very happy birthday.
- Oh, yes.

Would you like me
to deliver them today?

Oh, no, his birthday's
not for six months!

I just came in today
for a Ping-Pong ball.

A Ping-Pong ball?

That's what the gentleman said.

A Ping-Pong ball.

Would you like it gift-wrapped,

or do you want to
bounce it home?

Deliver it.

Carmichael, you've
just lost a customer.

I just lost eight pounds.
The nerve of that guy.

Can't you remember?

The customer is

- always right!
- Always right.

Mr. Collins, you're wanted

in your office immediately.

Customer is always
right. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, may I help you, sir?

Oh, yes, miss. I'm leaving on
an extended vacation Thursday,

and I'll need this
list of equipment.

Oh, all right. All of that?

Yes. My first
vacation in ten years,

and my wife and I are
going to make the most of it.

Oh, good, good. Well, you
just tell me what you want,

and I'm at your service.

Well, first of
all, I'd like to see

what you have in
fishing equipment.

Fishing equipment.
Yes. Fishing equipment.

Yes, yes, we have
nice fishing equipment.

Oh, well, this
looks like a nice rod.

Uh-huh, that's a beauty.

Does it, uh, cast well?

Uh... uh...

Oh, it casts, uh, like crazy.

Would you, uh, mind
demonstrating it for me?

Uh, demonstrating it.

- Yeah, uh, demonst...
- Yeah, I-I...

I'd like to see how
it is for distance.

Oh, for distance. Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir, I-I figure you
can get quite a distance

on a little pole like this.

I'll get good
distance here, now.

Ooh! That's a splendid cast.

Ah! Yeah. Ooh...

By George, I think
I caught something.

Hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

I know you're having a
sale, but do you have to

drag customers off the street?

I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.

Why, Theodore, I
thought that was you!

Vernon! Well...

You two know each other?

Certainly. He handles
all my financial affairs.

Why, you've just hooked
the biggest banker in the city.

Oh, you should've seen
the one that got away.

Get your hands off that!

Ooh.

Uh, did you come in
to see me, Mr. Mooney?

No. You'll never believe this,

but I came in here
to do some shopping.

Ah. Well, would you, would
you care to browse around

till I finish with
this gentleman?

Oh, well, yes. I'll-I'll
see you, Vernon.

Right.

There's something in this
other department I need.

All right, now what
else was it, sir?

Well, now, let's see.

Skin-diving equipment,
swim fins, wetsuits, masks,

spear g*ns, snorkels,
and everything.

The whole, uh, swim-diving...
Everything for, for that, huh?

Well, uh, uh... I'll
be right back, sir.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yes, sir.

- Vernon?
- Oh! Yes, miss.

Are you getting everything?

Oh, yes. Yes, dear, and
the service is excellent.

Well, thank heaven for that.

I have been through the most
terrifying experiences today.

Well, I see you've
got everything.

Yes, I think so, I think...

Aah!

Oh!

Not you again!

Get her away from me!

Get who away from you?

Well, I don't know
what her name is,

but I think it's Typhoid Mary.

- Oh.
- Mr. Collins!

- Mr. Collins!
- Oh, please, Mrs. Walker,

don't call
Mr. Collins, not again.

What's going on here?

Mr. Collins, I will not
have her waiting on me.

I will not remain in the same
place with this, uh, creature.

Oh, you're being
very moody, pussycat!

Mrs. Carmichael,
I'll attend to you later.

Mrs. Walker, Mrs. Walker...

What can I do for
you, Mr. Mooney?

Well, now, I... Oh!
I need a handball.

One handball?

One handball, yes. Yes.

All right. I'll find a
handball for you.

- Yes, I've a... I don't, uh...
- Where are the handballs?

- Oh...
- Did you see them around here anyplace?

Yes, yes, here they are,
here... Right up there.

Oh.

They're there.
Yes. There they are.

Oh, we'll have to get a ladder.

There must be a step
somewhere around here.

- Oh, wait, I know what I'll do.
- Okay...

Mrs. Carmichael! What?!
No, not on, not on...

That's all right. Back up!

Back up! Back up!

Oh, careful. Careful,
careful. Uh, uh...

- I'll get them. Don't worry.
- Oh! Eh, eh... uh...

Oh, oh, oh... I don't...

Uh... can I be
of...? Eh... eh...

Yeah, now...

Don't just stand
there! Do something!

Do something?!

Oh!

Mrs. Carmichael, why don't
you quit before you get fired?

What do you mean, get fired?

I couldn't help that.
That was an accident.

Oh, accident.

You... Oh!

Now you'll get fired!

Oh, well. That's the
way the ball bounces.