04x21 - Lucy Dates Dean Martin

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

♪♪

- Mr. Mooney.
- What?

Look what Warner
Brothers Studios

sent over for your charity.

What on earth is that?

It's the undershirt that
Marlon Brando wore

in Streetcar Named Desire.

Now, who in the world
would pay $ , for that?

Why, a lot of women would.

Oh, you don't know
what a thrill it is

for a movie fan to have a shirt

that's touched
Marlon Brando's chest.

Or-Or a pipe that-that-that
has touched Cary Grant's lips.

Mrs. Carmichael!

We have a lot to do.

- Get your book.
- Yes, sir.

(Mr. Mooney sighs)

Now, then, take a letter.

To John Wayne.

John Wayne.

(sighs): Dah...

Oh, sit down.

Yeah, I think I'd better.

All right.

- Now, are you ready?
- Yes, sir.

All right. Dear John...

Dearest John...

Not "dearest."

- "Dear."
- Oh, all right.

Dear John, I want to thank you

for the donation of your saddle

for the Motion
Picture Charity Ball,

sponsored by our bank.

- Mr. Mooney?
- Hmm?

Instead of a letter,
wouldn't it be all right

if I just went over and
thanked him in person?

No, it would not.

Now, please be
quiet, Mrs. Carmichael.

I'm trying to think.

- Uh...
- (phone rings)

(groans)

Hello?

Oh, I'll have to call
you back on that.

I'm very busy at the moment.

Yeah, yeah. Good-bye.

Where-Where was I?

- Where was I?
- You were like this.

I meant in the letter.

Oh, well, the-the
last thing you said...

I-I know, I know.

I know, I know.

At the charity
ball, we are selling

many motion picture
mementos, such as your saddle,

for $ , apiece.

Yeah, not quite so fast,

- Mr. Mooney.
- I...

Oh, all right.

I... feel... this...

sale... will... bring...

a... generous response

from our very
prosperous patrons.

Sign it "Yours truly,"
et cetera, et cetera.

- Yes.
- Now, when they come

for this stuff, send it
right over to the ballroom.

Yes.

I'll be there, supervising
things for tonight.

Yes. I know, sir.

I hope to heaven that
you can get it right.

- Oh...
- Yes, I will. Don't worry.

(Mr. Mooney groans)

"Dearest John..."

- Hey, Lucy!
- Yeah?

Look what Paramount Pictures
contributed to the charity ball.

That-That is the jacket
that Audrey Hepburn wore

in Danger in Paris.

Oh, you've got some memory.

Oh, isn't it beautiful?

Wouldn't you just love to
own something like that?

Oh, I sure would.

But what would I do with it?

I never go anyplace to
wear anything like this.

That's what you think.

Have I got a surprise for you.

What?

You're going to
that ball tonight.

What?

No kidding. Honest.

Oh, come on, now, Mary Jane.

I'm too old for fairy tales.

Remember when you had lunch
with me at the commissary yesterday?

Yeah.

Well, after you
left, a friend of mine,

Eddie Feldman... He
works for Dean Martin...

He wanted to know who
the cute redhead was.

- He did?
- Yeah.

And Dean Martin bought
two tickets for the ball,

and he gave them to
Eddie, and I fixed it up

for Eddie to take you.

Well, I'd love
to go to the ball,

but I don't even know Eddie.

Oh, he's a wonderful person.

He's the kind of fella you can
spend the whole evening with

and not have to
be a judo expert.

Well, I'm sure
he's a nice fellow,

but gee, not even knowing him.

Oh, Lucy, he's a dream.

What does he look like?

He's only Dean Martin's double.

You mean, he looks
like Dean Martin?

Exactly. If Eddie
didn't wear glasses,

you wouldn't be
able to tell them apart.

Well...

Thanks a lot, Mary Jane,
but you just tell Eddie Feldman

that Lucy Carmichael said
she wouldn't dream of going out

with anybody that
she hasn't even met.

But Lucy...

And then you tell him
that you talked her into it.

Oh, good.

(door opens and closes)

Well, hi, Harry.

Oh, hi, Eddie.

(phone rings)

Dean Martin's dressing room.

No, he's not here.

Yeah, I'll take care of it.

Right.

Well, where is Dean?

Well, he's still over in makeup.

Still in makeup?

You notice, Harry,
with each picture,

it seems to take longer
and longer to make him up?

Hey, Harry, okay if I borrow

one of Dino's jackets
for tonight, huh?

- Sure.
- A dinner jacket?

Help yourself, Eddie.

Okay.

Where you going?

Oh, I got a date with
a cute little redhead.

I saw her in the
commissary yesterday.

We're going to go
to that charity ball.

Oh, I hear that's going
to be quite a party.

Well, it should be. Those
tickets Dino gave me

cost a hundred bucks apiece!

Wow. That ought
to impress your girl.

It certainly should.

Well, what's she look like?

Well, she's attractive.

She's, uh, she's no Liz Taylor.

She's no Gina Lollabrigida.

She ain't even
a Brigitte Bardot.

And she's not gonna wait if
I'm late, so thanks for the jacket.

(chuckles): Okay.

- Have a good time.
- Bye, now.

(phone rings)

- (door opens)
- Dean Martin's dressing room.

(door closes)

Yeah, Charlie.

You're going to sh**t
the chase scene tonight?

Well, will you need Dino?

Just his double.

Uh-oh.

Poor Eddie.

Well, he's got a
big date tonight.

Those are the breaks.

- (door opens)
- Right, I'll tell him.

(door closes)

Hey, hi, Harry.

Well, you all through, Dino?

Yeah. Any messages?

- Well, no, not for you.
- Oh...

But the production
office just called Eddie.

He's gotta work tonight.

- Why?
- Too bad, aw.

- Well, he's got a big date.
- He has?

His first date with a new
girl to go to the charity ball.

And?

That's show business,
what do you want?

Well, I feel sorry for the guy.

- Yeah.
- It's his first date

with this girl, and if
he doesn't show up,

she's going to think
he's an awful heel.

Yeah.

Hey...

Let him go on his date.

I'll be my own double tonight.

I can fall off a horse.

I've had lots of
practice falling down.

Forget it, Dino.

You know the studio won't
let you take a chance like that.

I guess you're right.
Where is Eddie?

Well, he's in his dressing room.

Good. I'm going
over and telling him

that if he can fall
off a horse for me,

the least I can do is
keep a date for him.

Right?

I don't care what anybody
says, Dino. You're a nice guy.

What, nice guy?
Eddie's my best friend.

And I'm going to do
what any guy would do:

Go out with my
best friend's girl!

Ciao!

(doorbell rings)

Hi.

I'm Eddie Feldman.

Well, hi, I'm Lucy.

- Here.
- For me?

Unless you want me to wear it.

Ha!

Touché.

Oh, thank you, Eddie.
They're beautiful.

It's all right.

You know something?

I don't think you
look like Dean at all.

I don't?

Well, you look like him,
but, you know, not as old.

I guess that's
because he dissipates.

I understand he
drinks pretty good.

Oh, well, Dean's drinking,
that's all exaggerated.

He takes a few belts now and
then, just to keep up his image

- as a swinger, you know.
- Oh.

It's just a gimmick. Actually,
he doesn't care for the stuff.

He doesn't?

No, but I'd like a little sauce,
if you've got some around...

I don't usually, but inasmuch
as I was having company,

I... I did mix a
couple of martinis.

Oh, wonderful.

There we are.

Thank you.

It's my first one today.

- Me, too.
- With my left hand.

Well, I hope you like martinis.

Oh, I do. I sure do.

Oh, that's not bad.

You know, I didn't
have any vermouth,

so I put in just a
dash of lemon juice.

That's great, that's great.

And I'll tell you something
else, I didn't have any gin,

so I used some
white cooking wine.

Cooking wine?

Yeah, Sauterne.

Sauterne. What'd
you use for olives?

Oh, these are real olives.

Oh, that makes a
good drink... The olive.

Would you like another one?

I don't think so.

One of these is
about all I can handle.

I couldn't handle another
one of these, either.

You know, I like men who don't
care too much about drinking.

So do I.

It leaves more for the poor
devils who really need it.

You know, when you talk,
you sure sound like him.

Well, that's all part of my job.

Part of your job?

I didn't know to
double for someone

that you had to
sound like them, too.

Well, sometimes they use
me to dub in lines for Dean...

Oh, like when he gets
hoarse from playing golf.

Hoarse from playing golf?

Yeah, well, he
screams when he loses.

Oh...

He's a great competitor.

Oh.

Uh, Mary Jane tells me
that you once had a...

very successful career
of your own, Eddie.

Yeah, well that
was a long time ago.

Uh-huh. Well, she said you
were on the Broadway stage

and... and were quite a success,

and then you came out here
for your own acting career.

Yeah, but when I got out here,

they said I looked too
much like Dean Martin.

Yeah, well, I
think that's terrible.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe I'm better off. I...

It's been ten years
of steady work,

and I'm working
for a real nice guy.

Well, you're very nice
to say that he's nice.

Why?

Well, after the way
he's ruined your career,

I should think that
you'd resent him.

Well, he's a hard
guy not to like.

Well, why shouldn't he be
nice? Look how lucky he's been.

Lucky?!

- Yeah.
- Lucky?

Yeah, you know,
when I first saw Dean

he was working with Jerry.

Jerry who?

Jerry Lewis.

Oh, I remember him.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

And then when they split up,

uh, frankly, I was
worried about Dean.

(chuckles)

I didn't think he
was going to make it.

Oh, neither did I.

Yes, I was very
worried about him.

So was I.

My whole family was
worried about him.

Oh, are your family
Dean Martin fans, too?

Well, not as much
as they used to be.

But they do like to see
him, you know, do good.

Yeah, well, I can
understand that, of course.

I, uh...

- Oh, dear.
- Hmm?

I hope all my chattering

isn't going to make
us late for the ball.

Oh, no, we have plenty of time.

We don't want to be
the first ones there.

Are you kidding?

At $ a ticket, I don't
want to miss a minute.

Would you, uh,
be so kind, Eddie?

Why, certainly.

Thank you.

Oh, Eddie, this is so beautiful.

- Thank you so much.
- You're very welcome.

Well, I guess we're ready.

Okay.

LUCY (a cappella):
♪ Dee-dee-dee-dee ♪

♪ Da-la-dee-dee-dee, dee-dee ♪

♪ Dee-dee-dee-dee... ♪

Oh, don't you just
love dancing, Eddie?

Yeah, especially like this.

First time I've ever had a
whole dance floor by myself.

Well, I didn't realize
that we'd be so early.

Oh, we've only
been here an hour.

Oh, you're such a good dancer...

- Oh, look!
- What, what?

The orchestra's coming in.

Oh, they finally
found the place?

Uh, come here.

Pardon me, sir.

Would you play a request?

Surely. What is it?

Uh, well, uh, it goes...

♪ Da-dee-dee-dee-dee,
dee-dee, da-dee-dee-dee. ♪

What's the title?

Well, I forget, but it goes...

♪ Da-da, dee-dee-dee,
da-dee, dee-dee-dee-dee... ♪

Do you know what she's singing?

I never heard it before.

Oh, I remember. If...

"I'd like to get you on
a slow boat to China."

- That's it?
- Yeah.

Dean Martin
sings it all the time.

Oh, that's what he's
been singing, huh?

Say, aren't you Dean Martin?

No, I just double
for him in pictures.

Amazing resemblance.

You have the same rosy eyes.

(light music playing)

That's it.

That's it, that's the one.

Yeah.

You know, Eddie, every time
I hear this song from now on,

I'm going to think of you.

Well, I'm going to just
think of you always, too.

Ah...

- Oh, Eddie.
- What?

- Did you see this? Come here.
- What, what, what?

Come here. I want to
show you something.

- You see this jacket?
- Uh-huh.

Audrey Hepburn wore
this in one of her pictures.

You know what I envy most
about the movie actresses?

It's the clothes
they get to wear.

Isn't this beautiful?

Yeah. Last time I
saw anything that fancy

was on Liberace.

(Lucy laughing)

Why, there's my
secretary, Mrs. Carmichael.

MAN: Oh, yes, and
look who she's with.

Uh, uh, M-Mrs. Carmichael?

M-Mrs. Carmichael?

Oh, hello, Mr. Mooney.

Hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

Uh, uh, you all know my
secretary, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Yes, of course, of course.
- How do you do?

And of course, you
know who this is.

Oh, we're very honored to
have you here, Mr. Martin.

- Won't you have a cigar?
- Thanks.

Oh, I've always been
a fan of yours, Dean.

I just loved your
last picture, Dean.

Uh, yeah, I wonder if you'd give
me an autograph for my mother.

Well, no. H-Hold it.

You-You folks are
making a little mistake.

A mistake?

Yes. Mr. Mooney, Mr. Mooney,
this is Eddie Feldman.

He, uh, he's a
double in pictures.

He just looks like Dean Martin.

Oh.

♪♪

I'm sorry, Eddie.

Oh, forget it.

Would you care for a drink?

I'll try and force one down.

♪♪

Oh, look, punch!

Oh, goody.

Oh, look, fresh pineapple
and cherries and papaya

and strawberries.

Aren't they beautiful?

Oh, I should have
brought my camera.

Here you are.

Oh, no thanks. I'm driving.

Oh, the air feels
so good out here.

It's so brisk.

I got a little warm
in there dancing.

Yeah, well, that's a
great way to catch cold.

I-I'll get you a wrap.

Oh, thank you, Eddie.

Well, here's your wrap.

Thank you, Eddie.

Oh... Well, Eddie this is...

This is yours.

Well... Eddie, I c...
can't let you do this...

No, now look, Dean likes
to patronize this charity ball.

He gave me the money and
told me to make the purchase.

But... well, it's so expensive.

It's deductible.

But if-if Dean had
you buy the coat,

well, then you should
give the coat to Dean.

He looks lousy in beads.

Besides, he'd only
leave it at some bar.

Well, now maybe he doesn't care,

but you must have
someone special

that you want to give it to.

She's got it.

Oh, Eddie.

Oh, Eddie, thank you.

- It's all right.
- Oh...

I've never had anything as
nice as this in my whole life.

Oh, Eddie, it fits me.

Oh, it's so beautiful.

Oh, could we go inside so
that everyone could see me in it?

Let's go.

(murmurs)

(lively jazz playing)

Lucy!

(mouthing)

Please come in, Eddie.

Thank you.

Oh, I-I just want to thank you

for a perfectly
marvelous evening.

Well, it was my pleasure.

Just throw that old thing
over on the chair there.

And I'll go out and
make us a little snack.

Oh, wait, I think
I better cut out,

'cause I got to get a
good night's sleep tonight.

Well, now if you'll just stick
around for a few minutes,

I'll fix you something
that will help you sleep.

What's that?

A cup of hot chocolate.

Oh, I'd like that.

And while you're waiting,

you can listen to some
of my, uh, favorite albums.

Oh, well, uh, who-who you got?

Oh, Frank Sinatra, Jack Jones,

Andy Williams.

Well, I'm not too
much of a record fan.

Oh, well, why don't you
just turn on the radio, then?

All right.

(slow piano
instrumental playing)

♪ Everybody falls
in love somehow ♪

♪ Something in your
kiss just told me ♪

♪ That sometime is now ♪

♪ Well, if I had
you in my power ♪

♪ I'd arrange for every
girl to have your charm ♪

♪ Then every
minute, every hour ♪

♪ Every boy would find
what I found in your arms ♪

♪ Well, everybody loves
somebody sometime ♪

♪ Mm, mm ♪

♪ There's no telling where... ♪

Oh, boy, this makes me so mad.

What?

You even sing
better than he does.

Now you... you're
just prejudiced.

Oh, leave it to Hollywood

to make a star out of the
one with the least talent.

Well, now let's not get bitter.

Maybe Dean doesn't
have a lot of talent,

maybe he has been lucky, but
it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Well, I guess he does
have his good points.

- Mm-hmm.
- MAN (on radio): And now, folks,

we interrupt our music to
bring you a news bulletin.

Tonight, a real-life
drama took place

in the making of
a motion picture.

A horse ran away with
Dean Martin's leading lady.

And she was rescued
by the heroic action

of Dean Martin's
double, Eddie Feldman.

Well, no wonder you
sing better than he does.

Now look, honey, Eddie
Feldman is a wonderful guy,

and he found out he
had to work tonight.

And if he broke this
engagement with you,

you'd think he was some
kind of a Hollywood phony,

so I offered to take
his place, that's all.

Why didn't you tell me
you were Dean Martin

right off the bat?

I'd have gone out
with you anyway.

Well, thank you.

Well, it's been a
very lovely evening.

I had a very nice time.

But under the circumstances,
I certainly can't accept this.

And why not?

For one thing, you're married.

You should give it to your wife.

Sorry, Lucy, but
you're stuck with it.

Why?

Well, if I took that
home to my wife,

she'd think I did something.

Ciao!