04x22 - Lucy and Bob Crane

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

(loud clattering)

Mrs. Carmichael?

Mrs. Carmichael!

Mrs. Carmichael,
shut that thing off!

- M...
- (clattering stops)

Yes, Mr. Mooney?

Mrs. Carmichael, how did you
get to the bank ahead of me?

Were you locked in overnight?

No, no. I came in early
because I wanted to show you

that you did not make a mistake
giving me my new assignment.

I know every button
on this computer.

Good.

(loud clattering)

(shouting)

Shut it off! Shut it off!

Shut it off!

Shut...

Well, now, h-how
do you explain that?

Easy.

You're running it!

Oh, now, I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, "sorry."

Can't you ever
do anything right?

Well, I guess I just don't
fit into the Machine Age.

Mrs. Carmichael,
you would've wrecked

the Stone, Bronze and Iron Age.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Well, obviously you will
not fit in this department.

Well, where do
you want me to go?

Oh, don't tempt me.

If only we had a branch
on the Sahara Desert.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

I know, I know. I'll put
you in new accounts.

New accounts?

Yes, all you do
is fill out blanks.

And with your mind,
that should be easy!

Oh...

Will this be my desk?

Well, it says "new
accounts," doesn't it?

Yes, sir. Well, thank
you, Mr. Mooney,

for giving me another chance.

Don't thank me!

I must be out of my mind!

Oh, Mr. Mooney, now
don't-don't carry on.

Allow me.

- Oh, thank you very much.
- Yes.

How very clumsy of me.

(laughs) That's all right.

Oh, excuse me.

Huh?

But you know,
you look exactly like

Bob Crane on Hogan's Heroes.

Well, you know why?

Why?

- That happens to be my name.
- Hogan?

No, no, no, Crane.

Crane.

You are Bob Crane.

Mm-hmm.

And you're live and in color.

Oh... it's just like
on your TV show.

I'm glad you watch the program.

Oh, all the time.

You know something,
you're my favorite soldier

since Captain Kangaroo.

Well, a fan's a fan.

(chuckles)

I, uh, wonder if
you could tell me

who I see about
opening a new account.

Me.

- You?
- Yes.

If-If you'll just step
over to my desk.

All right.

Captain Kangaroo.

(chuckles)

So you, uh, you want to put
money into our bank, huh?

Well, I think I'd better, if I
don't want my checks to bounce.

(laughs)

Oh, that's funny.

I must say, Mr. Crane,
in spite of all those years

that you spent in
that prison camp,

you still have a
great sense of humor.

Well, I try.

Now, now you're a new account.

- Hmm.
- Let's see, now.

Your name is Bob Crane.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, would you like to use Robert

for the new account?

Oh, I don't know.

Robert is so formal.

Uh, I-I... just call me Bob.

- Just plain Bob.
- Oh, yes.

Well, I, um, I feel
the same way.

I-I don't like to have
anyone call me Lucille.

I like to be called Lucy.

What's your middle name?

Bob.

Bob Bob Crane?

(laughs)

I mean, just call me Bob.

- Oh.
- That's what everybody does.

(chuckles)

Ah... (clears throat)

Uh, would you call me Bob, Lucy?

(chuckles): Why, yes.

If-If you think it's all right.

Well, that's what everybody
back in my hometown calls me.

Oh? Where are you from?

A little town in Connecticut.

(chuckles): Oh.

How do you like, um, Hollywood?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'll always be a
small-town boy at heart.

Oh, you'll change,
you'll change.

I just bet your little black
book will be filled with

the names of all the Hollywood
glamorous movie actresses.

No, no, no.

I have news for you.

I don't even have
a little black book.

Oh?

And I don't go for
Hollywood actresses.

Oh, you don't?

No, they're too
pushy and aggressive.

I go for the-the feminine type.

The, uh, the, uh,
easy, unassuming,

the simple type girl.

Oh.

The, uh, kind I'm
looking at right now.

Oh, where?

You.

Me?

Oh, yeah... I can tell
just by looking at you,

you're not the aggressive type.

Oh, well, well, thank you.

What's your phone number?

My phone number?

Oh, not for me,
not that I want it.

I need it for the application.

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

Crestview .

.

You know, I think it's just
terrible the way some girls

call men up all
the time for dates.

Mm-hmm.

When it's the man who
should do the calling.

Oh, you're so right.

You know, just this week,
three girls asked me for a date.

You see?

And yet, tonight I'm
having dinner alone.

Say, I, uh, I wonder if...

No, I-I... I guess I shouldn't.

Shouldn't what?

Well, I was gonna ask...

I-I bet... I better not.

Better not what?

Ask you to have
dinner with me tonight.

No, you better not.

Not until I know you better.

Oh.

Uh, address, please.

Uh, Elm in Beverly Hills.

Mm-hmm.

- Rent?
- No.

- Own?
- Yes.

- Mortgage?
- No.

Thank you.

Now that I know you better,
maybe we could have dinner.

Wonderful.

Just sign here.

(both chuckle)

Uh, thank you.

I'll, uh, pick you up
around : , Lucy?

Uh, yes.

Glenhall Apartments, Mr. Crane.

I mean... Bob.

- (chuckles)
- Oh, fine, fine.

Oh, uh, I was wondering,
uh, could I cash a check?

Oh, certainly.

(sighs)

Do you have any identification?

I'm Bob Crane, remember?

- Oh, yeah. Oh...
- (both laugh)

Oh, I...

Right this way.

Yes.

Um, I'd like to cash
this check, please.

Just a moment.

There'll be no cashing of
checks; you're overdrawn

- already.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney,

it's not for me,
it's for Mr. Crane.

He's just opened a new account.

B-Bob Crane of Hogan's Heroes?

Yes.

Oh, well, welcome to our family

of friendly
depositors, Mr. Crane.

Mr. Mooney is
our vice president.

- Oh.
- Yes.

Have you given Mr. Crane
one of our calendars?

Oh, no, I forgot.

- Oh, yes, Bob.
- Here's one of our calendars.

And a piggy bank?

Yes, sir.

And a pen wiper?

Oh, of course.

And a pencil sharpener?

Yes, sir.

And a little speedy
electric shoe polisher?

There we are.

- And a...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now, now, hold it. I-I...
I'll, I'll wait until my next trip.

I'll bring a-a shopping bag.

(chuckles): Oh.

Here's your money, Mr. Crane.

Oh, thank you.

Um, I'll see you tonight?

I'll be ready, Bob.

Oh, uh, good.

Uh, Mr. Mooney,
very nice meeting you.

My pleasure.

Uh...

(whistling a tune)

(chuckles)

Am I hearing things?

You have a date with
Bob Crane tonight?

For dinner.

Well, why is he taking you,
when he could have his choice

of all the glamorous
actresses in Hollywood?

They don't impress him.

He happens to like
the shy, demure type.

Then why take you?

Mr. Mooney, you
don't know the real me.

Underneath this cold,
efficient, business-like exterior,

I happen to be very
shy and demure.

Shy and demure?

You weren't shy and
demure when you took that job

as a stuntman... Iron
Man Carmichael...

And let them sh**t
you out of a cannon.

Well, I have retired from
the stuntman business.

If a man like Bob Crane
thinks that I'm shy and demure,

then I'm gonna be
just as shy and demure

as Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm?

You are more like the
"Unthinkable" Molly Brown.

- Oh...
- (closes drawer)

(screaming)

I cannot tell you how
pleased I am that our bank

has invested money
in your new picture.

(German accent): Ah, it
will be a zing-zing-zinger!

And it would be even zingier if I
could get some good stuntman

for the big fight
scene in the end.

Oh.

Are-Are stuntmen hard to find?

Good ones are.

Oh.

Have you ever heard
of a stuntman named

Iron Man Carmichael?

Heard of him?!

Has Huntley ever
heard of Brinkley?!

We have been looking
for him for weeks now.

We want him in the picture.

Ah, tell me, you are acquainted
with Iron Man Carmichael?

Oh, yes. She works in our bank.

She?

Uh, her sis... her brother.

His, uh, brother.

He's... it's a man.

And the sister can get the
brother to work in the picture?

They are close?

Well, they're so close, you
might call them one person.

(chuckles)

I must have Iron
Man in my picture.

Uh, he's such a
fearless stuntman.

Well, now, when
would you need him?

First thing tomorrow morning.

He'll be there.

Ah, wunderbar.

(speaks German)

You are a friend for life.

(chuckles)

Even longer.

I will now leave.

Oh.

Mr. Mooney,

to show my appreciation, I
will give you a part in my picture.

Me in the movies?

Well, you-you look
like a German officer.

Oh.

I will make you a general.

A general?

General Von Plump.

Von Plump.

Well, I will now pay
the bill and leave.

Oh, please, please, please.
This is the bank's treat.

Oh, danke schön.

Nothing.

Also, danke schön
for the calendar.

And the pen wiper,
and the piggy bank

and the pencil sharpener,

and the speedy
electric shoe polisher.

(chuckles)

Nothing, really.

Well...

Auf Wiedersehen,
General Von Plump.

Von... uh, oh, yes.

(clears throat)

Sir?

Uh, no autographs, please.

What autograph?

This is the bill.

Oh, oh. Well, I'll take
care of that in a minute.

Uh, uh, where's the telephone?

Right around to your left, sir.

Thank you very
much. I'll take that.

(door closes)

Good evening, Mr. Crane.

Good evening, Sid.

I saved two nice
lobsters for you.

Oh, fine.

This way to your table...

Good, good.

I hope you like this spot, Lucy.

It's so simple and unassuming.

- Oh, I just love it.
- Mm-hmm.

(sniffs) Mm. I
love that perfume.

What's it called?

It's called, uh,
Breath of Daisy Dew.

I like it because it's so...
simple and unassuming.

Mm-hmm. But unforgettable.

- Oh...
- Hmm!

Thank you.

Oh, you look so pretty tonight.

- Thank you.
- And... and old-fashioned.

I, uh, I hope you like lobster.

Oh, I do. I do.

Lobsters are so
simple and unassuming.

Well, I've never heard them
described quite that way,

but I... (laughs)

I guess that's why
they blush and turn red

when you put them in the pot.

Oh...

Oh, I know it's not ladylike
to laugh out loud in public,

but oh, that was so humorous.

Lucy, um, you make
a wonderful audience.

Oh.

Yes. That-That's what a
lady should be: an audience.

A good listener.

I mean, most Hollywood
girls yakkity-yak too much.

You know, they-they try to
dominate the conversation.

Don't you think so?

I mean, a man can't
get a word in edgewise.

It's just, just terrible.
Would you care for a drink?

Uh, Lucy, do you mind if
I pay you a compliment?

You have the most beautiful,

big blue eyes I've ever seen.

Oh... Bob... do you mind if I
break into this conversation?

Please do.

I don't think that my eyes are
so big and blue and beautiful.

Oh, but they are.

And I've never seen
such long lashes.

Oh, they're not so long.

I don't think so.

Got something in your eye?

Hello, Mr. Mooney.

- How do you do?
- Oh, Mr. Mooney.

I see you like this
restaurant, too.

Oh, yes, yes. I just
had a delightful meal

with the director
of your new picture.

Oh.

Are you going to be
in a new picture, Bob?

Yes, starting tomorrow.

It's a World w*r I epic.

I'm playing the lead,
I'm an American aviator.

Oh, how wonderful.

Isn't it, though?

And the director was
asking about Iron Man.

Who?

Iron Man Carmichael.

Your brother?

Iron Man Carmichael
is your brother?

Uh, I don't care to discuss him.
We have nothing in common.

He's completely out of my life.

I just saw him in
Bad Day at Laredo.

He's one of the roughest,

toughest stuntmen
in the business.

Yeah, well, we have
nothing in common.

- WAITER: Uh, pardon me.
- He's the black sheep of the family.

Yes.

Pardon me, Mr. Crane.
You're wanted on the telephone.

Oh, excuse me, Lucy, Mr. Mooney.

Yes, indeed. Indeed, yes.

What's the idea,
bringing up Iron Man now?

The director wants
him in the picture,

and I promised to get him.

Well, I am not going to
be Iron Man anymore.

Now, look, I can get you
plenty of money; all you have...

Money has nothing to do with it.

Now, Bob Crane thinks
that I'm a perfect lady.

If he ever finds out that
I'm a rough, tough stuntman,

he'll never want
to see me again.

Now, can't you understand that?

I understand perfectly.

Well, I'm glad.

And I'm glad you told me.

Because if you
don't do what I ask,

I'll tell Bob Crane just exactly
who Iron Man Carmichael is.

That's blackmail!

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Now, you be at
that studio tomorrow.

And remember, I
can check on you.

I'm doing a part
in the picture, too.

- You are?
- Yes.

So you be there.

You can't do this to me.

I just did.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

I'd give you such a
kick if I weren't a lady.

But since I'm Iron Man...

(groans)

Ja, ja, wunderbar.

Yes, great, great.

Now, uh, get me the men
who play the Germans

and, uh, General Von Plump.

All German soldiers
and General Von Plump...

On the set.

(Mr. Mooney grunting)

Uh, Mr. Mooney.

Uh, yes, yes, sir.

Ja, we are going to
do the drill scene first.

Oh, yes.

Uh, do you know your
German commands?

Well, I'm... I had a
little trouble with them,

- but I studied...
- Well, uh, we will rehearse it.

- Oh.
- And I'll be back there.

Good, good.

All right, men, attention!

- Attention.
- No, no, no, no.

Achtung!

Oh, that's one I had... oh,
I was trying... yeah, Ach...

Achtung!

(shouting in German)

Ein, swei, drei, vier.
Ein, swei, drei, vier.

Ä Vorwarts, Marsch!

Ein, swei, drei, vier.
Ein, swei, drei, vier.

Ein, swei, drei,
vier. Ein, swei...

ä Vorwarts, Marsch!

Ein, swei, drei, vier.
Ein, swei, drei, vier...

(frantic shouting)

Come back... (shouting
in German) Come back!

(Mr. Mooney grunts)

(shouting in German)

ä Vorwarts, Marsch!

Ein, swei, drei, vier.
Ein, swei, drei, vier.

Ein, swei, drei, vier.

Ä Vorwarts, Marsch!

One, two, ein, swei...

Ein, swei, drei, vier.
Ein, swei, drei, vier.

Ein, swei, ein, swei, ein, swei.

Ow!

You did that on purpose.

Jawohl.

Remember, I'm
your superior officer.

Now, Mr. Mooney, how
did it go, everything?

Oh, uh, uh, uh, fine.

Eh, get me the American aviator.

Mr. Crane! On the set, please.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

MR. MOONEY: How are you?

- Ah, Bob!
- Ah!

You look wonderful, wonderful.

Wolfgang.

Yes, we have the very best
stuntman in the business here.

You don't have to worry.

Ah, Wolfgang,
you are a pussycat.

Just so long as the
star doesn't get hurt.

We also have Iron
Man Carmichael.

Ah...

Where is Iron Man Carmichael?

Iron Man Carmichael!

(gruff voice): Here.

What are you doing
in a German uniform?

That's what they gave me.

Oh, no, no, dummkopf, I
want you to be an American.

Me, too. I read the
script. They won the w*r.

Well, mach shnell,
shnell, shnell.

Get into the American uniform.

- All right. (mutters)
- Mach shnell.

Uh, wait a minute, Iron
Man, I want to talk to you.

I'm, uh, I'm a friend
of your sister's.

Well, then, you're
no friend of mine.

Iron Man!

Mach shnell, mach
shnell! Ein, swei, drei, vier.

Ein, swei, drei, vier.
Ein, swei, drei, vier.

All right, quiet on the set.

Quiet on the set.

Now, Bob, remember:

you are America's
most wonderful aviator.

You've been captured by the
Germans, and you want to escape.

All right?

All right, let's go. Action.

So, you think you will
escape, schweinhund?

(chuckles)

No... No wonder the Americans
are going to lose the w*r.

You are such sloppy soldiers.

Look at you.

Look! That scarf is
dribbling all down your front.

And the shirttail is
out, you're hanging.

What's the matter
with...? And those boots!

They are dirty.

(expl*si*n)

Ah. Aha!

They have sh*t
down another plane!

This time I hope
it isn't one of ours.

(airplane engine humming)

(expl*si*n)

Hey, thanks, buddy,
for dropping in.

Yeah, are you okay?

Yeah. Quick, untie me.

Well, come on, untie me.

- Yeah, I'm comin' over there.
- All right.

The Germans'll
be back any minute.

- Yeah, okay.
- Come on, untie me.

I can't quite get
over there, buddy.

Well, will you get
out of that thing?

They'll be back any minute.

There, I'm getting it.

- All right, let's go.
- Yeah.

All right.

Boy, am I glad you...

Wait, come on,
let's get out this way.

Well, what do you know?

I know nothing.

I see nothing.

Schultz, you're
in the wrong w*r.

Out.

Oh!

Achtung!

(frantic shouting)

Grab them, grab them!

Ah, good, good, good, good.

Hold on to them.

Hold on. Sir! Help me
pull up on the string.

Up with the string.

(frantic yelling)

All right, hang on to them.

Up! Up, up, up!

(Mr. Mooney
panting and grunting)

Hey, men, now we
play a little game.

Oh, yes.

Now... ist das
nicht ein flying man?

Ja, das ist ein flying man.

Ist das nicht ein spinning man?

Ja, das ist ein spinning man.

Ist das nicht ein stupid man?

Ja, das ist ein stupid man.

Ist das nicht a lot of fun?

- Ja, das ist a lot of fun.
- Good.

All right, get him
off. Get him off.

- Very good.
- (laughing)

Good, good, good.

(cackling)

(men clamoring)

(indistinct shouting)

WOLFGANG: Stop,
stop, stop. Wunderbar!

Wunderbar.

Congratulations.
Very good. Wunderbar.

- Mr. Mooney!
- Thank you, Wolfgang. -Oh, great.

- Ja, ja, ja!
- Oh, you were great, Bob, great.

- Ah, so were you, Mr. Mooney.
- Oh, thank you.

So were you, Mrs. Carmichael.

Mrs. Carmichael?! Lucy?!

You're Iron Man Carmichael?

Yeah, Bob.

Underneath this rough
and tough exterior,

I'm still a little, shy,
Breath of... of Daisy Dew.