04x26 - Lucy, the Superwoman

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Oh, you rearranged
the furniture.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

I never really liked
it the way it was.

I've always wanted my
desk over there, Mr. Mooney.

We are not
rearranging furniture.

- Oh.
- I simply made room

for a new computer they're
delivering this morning.

You mean we're getting one
of those educated thingamajigs?

Well, this thingamajig,
as you call it,

happens to be a
fantastic electronic device.

It can solve problems and
answer questions within seconds.

Oh, it sounds wonderful.

And I got all kinds of
questions I want to ask it:

like, should a girl
go out with a man

the first time he asks her?

- Or should she...
- Uh, we... Uh, we...

Uh, we are getting a
computer, not "Dear Abby."

Oh. Okay.

(knocking on door)

That must be the computer.

It knocks on doors?

Boy!

Mr. Mooney?

No, I'm Mrs. Carmichael.

Mr. Mooney's the
one with the mustache.

I'm Mr. Vigran;
I'm here to install

and demonstrate
the computer for you.

Oh, fine. Bring it right in.

I'm very anxious
to see how it works.

- LUCY: Bring it right in.
- Bring it in, boys.

- MR. MOONEY: Oh, my...
- Take it easy, now.

Well, that is kind
of large, isn't it?

VIGRAN: Easy does it.

Watch the door.
Watch the door, please.

- Don't scratch the...
- Easy now, fellas.

- Watch it.
- Gee!

MR. MOONEY: Isn't that...

Oh, look at all those dials.

VIGRAN: Easy.

Now, uh, where do you want her?

"Her"?

Yeah, you know,
like a boat or a car.

They're always female.

Oh, gee, it's going to be nice

having another girl
working in the office.

Uh, Mr. Mooney, you better
be sure where you want her,

because she weighs a ton.

Once you place her,

that's where she's
gonna have to stay.

Yes, well, I thought
right over here

would be a good place.

Uh, Mr. Mooney, since I'm going

to be the one using her,
I think it would be nice

if I could have her
over here by my desk.

No, no, no, no. I-I
thought this was the spot.

That's why I cleared all the...

But Mr. Mooney, really.
It really would be...

I know, I know, I know.

Let's ask the computer
where it should be.

Mrs. Carmichael, don't be silly.

The computer doesn't
answer questions like that.

- Oh.
- Oh, on the contrary,

that's a very good
problem for the computer.

- Plug it in, will you, Sid?
- Okay.

I'll just program that
question onto this card here.

What do you mean?
You punch holes for it?

We just punch the holes in,

and there is your
question, right there.

Now we'll put it in the slot...

(clacking)

(bell clanging)

And there's your
answer, right there.

- What does it say?
- What?

Right in that slot.

"Put me next to the
secretary's desk."

Ah! That's what I said.

We girls gotta stick together.

I'll make room for
her right over here.

Please, please, that's
too heavy for you.

I'll have my boys
do that. Fellas?

Oh. Okay, thank you.
I'll get this out of here.

- Okay.
- Thank you very much.

MR. MOONEY: I
don't know that it's...

Just move it way down
to that corner there.

- Okay. -We got it.
- Easy, boys.

Now, now, I don't think
there's room on that...

No, of course there
is, Mr. Mooney.

Right on that wall
would be the best place.

Right by that wall.

- Mr. Mooney, believe me.
- You think so?

I don't... I don't know...

- Well, I suppose you know.
- All right, fellas, now...

- Be careful.
- They're used to doing this work.

- Yes, I hope they are.
- They won't do any damage.

- Watch it.
- All right, there.

That's good. That's
fine, right there.

All right, now, uh, give
it a heist over there,

and I'll-I'll get
these dollies out.

Oop... oop...

There's one of them.

Now, heist it on this end...

while we get this down...

We'll get it.

There.

Okay.

(screaming)

(all shouting)

(all shouting)

Okay, boys, go down to
the truck and get the pulleys!

- (clamoring)
- Hurry back!

Don't just stand
there, do something!

Do something! Get...

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

(moaning): Oh, no...

(gasping, groaning)

Are you all right, Mr. Mooney?

Do you know what you did?

You lifted that all by yourself.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

If I didn't see it, I
wouldn't believe it.

I'm Dr. Simon. Is there
anything I can do to help?

Oh, Dr. Simon, that-that
thing fell on Mr. Mooney's foot.

And it weighs a ton.

Oh, I see. Just a
minute. Let me take...

(Mr. Mooney screaming)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Ah! What are you doing?
- I have to take your shoe off.

(screaming)

Easy does it.

LUCY: Mr. Mooney!

Doctor, are there
any broken bones?

Oh, no, no. There don't seem
to be any broken bones at all.

- MR. MOONEY (whimpering): No...
- Thank goodness.

How'd you get it free?

Well, Mrs., Mrs. Carmichael
picked the computer up.

- Yeah, she picked it up.
- Yeah, I picked it up.

I don't know how she did it.

No, I don't know
how I did it, but...

You really picked that up?

- Yeah.
- It's impossible.

Absolutely incredible,
but she did it.

It's incredible, but I did it.

How could she
have done it, Doctor?

Yeah, how could I have done it?

Yeah. How could she?

It's a known fact
that, in times of crisis,

the adrenal gland
becomes overstimulated

and gives a person
superhuman strength,

and that's undoubtedly
what's happened.

Superhuman strength.

I remember reading something
about that in the newspaper.

Uh, but, uh, now
that the crisis is over,

Mrs. Carmichael couldn't
possibly move it again.

No.

(onlookers murmuring)

She did it again!

I did it again.

And it wasn't even
a crisis this time.

No. No crisis this time.

I don't understand it. Unless...

Unless what?

Unless your adrenal
gland got stuck.

Got stuck?!

I never heard of it happening,

but medically, there's no reason

why the gland
couldn't get stuck.

Does it show?

Look,

you may be a case
for the medical journals.

Really?

I'll have a consultation
with some specialists.

About me?

Yes, I'll get in
touch with you later.

- Oh.
- What about my foot?!

You'll be all right.

I'm-I'm sorry about the
accident, Mr. Mooney.

All right, clear out, fellas.

Mr. Mooney, are you all right?

Well, yes.

Thanks to your
phenomenal feat of strength.

I... I... you know,
I'll-I'll never be able

to thank you enough
for what you did.

Oh, forget it. It was nothing.

Just don't mention it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mrs. Carmichael, don't
you think you ought

to take the rest of the day off?

You're too strong to work.

Oh, no, I feel fine.

I want to stay here with you.

Now, here, let me help you up.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

M-Mrs. Carmichael, I
just wanted to get up.

I didn't want to go into orbit.

Uh...

are you sure you don't want
to take the rest of the day off?

No, really,
Mr. Mooney, I feel fine.

I-I promise, I'll
be more careful.

- (Mr. Mooney shuddering)
- Here. Here's your shoe.

Th-Thank you very much.

Now, you just sit
down right over there.

Oh, yes.

(Mr. Mooney groaning)

(bell dings)

I-I-I'm just not used
to my new strength yet.

Well, I'll do something else.

I got an awful lot of things
that I have to do, so...

M-M-Mrs. Carmichael.

Yes?

Why don't you forget all
about typing and stapling

and just do a little filing.

Oh, yes, sir. That's
a very good idea.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Gently, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Gently.
- Yes, sir.

Maybe you're right, Mr. Mooney.

I better take the
rest of the day off.

Lucy!

Yeah, hi, Mary Jane.

Lucy, did you do that?

Yeah, yeah.

Then what they said about
you on television is true.

You mean there's something
about me on television?

Yeah, they called you Superman,
only with prettier muscles.

- They did?
- Yeah.

You know, they say that I'm a
case for the medical journals.

- Really?
- Yeah, and some doctors

are holding a consultation
about me right now.

Oh, well, you don't
look any different.

- No?
- No. I mean, what can you do?

What do you mean?

Well, for instance...

Well, can you lift that desk?

Uh...

One hand or two?

One.

That's just amazing.

Thank you. You want
to have lunch with me?

Oh, I'd love it.

I'm having a roast beef
sandwich... is that okay?

Good.

(loud creaking)

What was that?

Oh, I'm afraid to look.

Oh, it's been like this all day.

Everything I touch collapses.

Oh, dear.

Boy, it sure doesn't
look like tomato juice.

(Mary Jane laughing)

Lucy.

What in the world is that?

Just what I always wanted.

Creamed aspara-corn-
pea-pineapp-pear.

Oh, dear.

I'll get the roast beef.

You want me to
get something out?

I'm having a terrible
time with doors today.

Would you get the
bread and the mustard?

Oh, Lucy!

Oh, dear.

What do you want to
drink with your sandwich...

Cranberry juice,
orange juice, milk...?

Oh, I'll have some orange juice.

Okay, think I'll
have cranberry juice.

There you are... six ounces of
juice from a three-ounce orange.

With one hand you did that.

Yep. I'll get you some ice.

Oh, Lucy!

Nothing is safe around me.

There you are.

Wow, you can make
pebbles out of rocks, Lucy.

(laughs)

(fly buzzing)

Uh-oh, that fly is back.

He doesn't live here, but
he takes all of his meals here.

(buzzing continues)

Go away, will you?

Three times this week
he's had lunch with me.

(buzzing stops)

Well, that's always
blocked my view, anyway.

To the strongest
woman in the world.

I'll drink to that.

You know, Lucy,
it's just unbelievable

the things you can do.

Yeah, well, I
can't understand it.

I-I don't know why.

I feel just the same, but I
just do these things, that's all.

Oh, Lucy...

Can you believe that?

I guess I was a lot
stronger than that meat is.

(stammering) Mrs. Carmichael?

Oh, I'm in here.

Oh. (clears throat)

Well, I see your adrenal
gland is still stuck.

Hi, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, hi, Miss Lewis. How are you?

Uh, Mary Jane heard
about me on television

and, and she came
over to tell me,

and we were just
fixing some lunch.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

What were you
fixing... Hand grenades?

You'll never believe
how it happened.

Oh, yes, I'd believe it.

I'll believe anything
after seeing you lift

that computer
up, just like that.

Say, by the way,
the doctor called me

and asked me to take you over
to the laboratory for some tests.

- Right now?
- Yes, right away.

Oh, you go ahead, Lucy.
I'll clean up this mess.

- You go on.
- Oh, thanks a lot, Mary Jane.

Oh, watch your step.

Gee, uh, maybe they
found out something, huh?

Well, I don't know.

Okay.

Uh, Mrs. Carmichael?

No, I'm Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Carmichael is the
one without the mustache.

Mrs. Carmichael,

I'm George Denton, a
reporter on the Daily Gazette.

- Oh, how do you do?
- And this is Eddie, my photographer.

- How do you do?
- And this is Terrible Tony.

Oh, yes, Terrible
Tony the wrestler.

I recognize you from television.

Hi.

- Hi, lady.
- Hi.

Now, we'd like to get
some pictures for the paper.

You know, some action sh*ts.

That's why we brought
Terrible Tony with us.

Can we get a sh*t of you
trying a wrestling hold on Tony?

- Sure, why not?
- Mrs. Carmichael,

may I remind you that
you work for the bank?

Any pictures must
be very dignified.

No wrestling pictures, please.

Mr. Mooney's right.

The dignity of the
bank must be upheld.

Well, can we just get one of
her shaking hands with Tony?

Well, I think that
would be all right; yes.

Okay, Eddie.

Now, uh, shake hands and
give us a great big smile.

- Okay.
- Come on.

(loud crunching)

(Tony screaming)

What's the matter with him?!

Let go of him, you big bully!

Everything okay?

Will you stop horsing
around and cooperate?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

We just have a few
more tests to make.

Will you check her
reflexes, please, Doctor?

Would you, uh, cross
your leg, please?

Yes, sir.

I'd like to ask you
some questions

about childhood diseases.

Well, the only thing
I know about them

is that children get them.

How about accidents?

I don't like accidents.

What I mean is: did
you ever have any?

Oh, nothing serious, just
the usual dented fenders.

- Mr. Mooney.
- (Mr. Mooney grunts)

You know Mrs. Carmichael
better than we do,

so you have a
basis for comparison.

Now, tell me, are
her answers normal?

For her, yes.

DR. SIMON: How's
her blood pressure?

Well... I can't get a reading.

It keeps going up
and down like a yo-yo.

Thar... she blows!

She broke my machine.

I-I'll have to get a reading
later when she's more relaxed.

Gee, I'm terribly sorry
that I broke your...

Ah... ah... ah...

(sneezing): Ah-choo!

(wind whooshing, rumbling)

Now I know why they name
hurricanes after women.

Well, I'll try to warn you
if I have to sneeze again.

SECRETARY: No, no, no,
no, no, you can't come in.

They're testing Mrs. Carmichael.

They don't want to be disturbed.

But I've been waiting
for over two hours.

Mrs. Carmichael, I'm
from Full of Pep Vitamins.

We'll give you $ ,
to endorse our product.

$ , ?

We'll give you $ , to
endorse Wham-O breakfast cereal.

Oh, well, I don't
know what to say.

Well, I do, I do.

Why don't you
come and talk to me?

I'm her financial advisor.

You come right over
here; I think we can...

Yes, he advises me
about everything like that.

Mrs. Carmichael, I, I
can't offer you any money.

I'm with the United States
Women's Olympic Team.

Boy, you must have fun.

What I mean is that
I'm-I'm one of the coaches.

LUCY: Oh!

And we, we saw the demonstration

of your marvelous
strength on television,

and I think you can be

the number one
women's sh*t-putter

on the American team.

Me, a sh*t-putter?

- I, well, I don't...
- Yes.

I don't know anything about it.

- Oh, well, it's...
- I wouldn't know what to do.

It's very simple.

(grunting): You just
take this iron ball

and, and throw it
as far as you can.

Be careful, it's very heavy.

Okay.

Just throw it as far as I can?

(crashing into distance)

It went right through the window
and through that brick wall.

- (laughs)
- Yeah.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,

I'll make you captain
of the sh*t put team.

Captain?!

Yes, ma'am, I-I'll make you

captain of the weight lifting
team, captain of the javelin...

I'll make you the whole team.

Oh, well, whe...
when do we start?

- Right away.
- That's all right,

but we haven't finished
our examinations yet.

We haven't tested her legs.

- Well, now, now, wait a minute.
- Tested my legs?

COACH: I've got a great idea.

Now, to test Mrs.
Carmichael's legs,

why not have her do a
standing broad jump?

Very good idea.

All right, will you
move that table back,

and get everything
out of the way?

Mrs. Carmichael, would you,

would you step
over here, please?

That's right, right there,

and I'll show you how to
do the standing broad jump.

Uh-huh.

Now, you put your legs together.

Uh-huh.

Bend your knees.

Put my legs together.

Bend your knees.

And bend my knees.

Put your arms back and go.

Put my feet together,
bend my knees,

put my arms back, and go.

Th-That's feet!

I'd have jumped further,

but I didn't want to
go through the wall.

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

Mrs. Carmichael,

you're so wonderful, you
could be the whole track team.

I'll enter you in every event.

Oh, good!

You know, she'd be
wonderful on the hurdles.

- Yes!
- The hurdles?!

Would you like
to try the hurdles?

- Yeah.
- Thelma, would you line up here?

Three of you, please, I'd like
you to make a hurdle right here.

Mrs. Carmichael, you
just step back there.

Okay.

And you jump right
over the top of them.

- Just jump over them?
- That's right.

Whenever you're ready.

Okay, all right, fellas.

Down, boys.

And here I go!

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
that was wonderful.

But, you see, there's
just one thing wrong.

What?

You don't walk over
the top of the hurdles,

you go over them
without touching anything.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Would you like to try again?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I-I-I'll do it again.

Uh, down, boys, down.

You're amazing, Mrs. Carmichael.

Can you swim?

Can I swim?

Watch this.

Down, boys, down.

And here I go.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael, you're
a cinch for the swimming team.

Yeah, and I can win all
of your swimming events

and not even get my hair wet.

(Coach chuckles)

Now, look, if you think that
was something, watch this.

Down, boys.

And here I go.

(laughter, exuberant shouting)

Wasn't that great?

(happy chatter)

- Mrs. Carmichael, you are fantastic.
- LUCY: Oh!

You know I'm gonna make
you captain of the men's team?

- (laughter)
- Captain of the men's team!

- Isn't she great?
- Oh, boy!

- Captain of the men's team!
- I tell you...

(screaming)

Stand back! Stand back!

I'll move it! I'll move it!

Well, move it!
Take your bow later!

(groaning)

(gasping, whimpering)

I can't move it.

She can't move it.

A crisis brought her strength
and a crisis took it away.

You know, this
is very interesting.

- Come into my office.
- Yes.

What about my foot?!

Some of you come over
here and lift the thing off my...

(angry stammering)

Well, Mrs. Carmichael,
nice to have met you.

What do you mean by that?

Good-bye.

You mean I'm not gonna
be captain of the team?

No, ma'am.

What about water boy?

No, ma'am.

Sorry, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, look, I-I-I'll endorse
your products for nothing.

Too bad, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, darn it.

(Mr. Mooney screams)