05x04 - Lucy and Paul Winchell

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

(intercom buzzes)

Yeah, Marge?

Lucy, a Mr. Winchell
is on his way in.

A Mr. Winchell? Okay. Thank you.

(knocking on door)

Come in.

Good morning, I'm Paul Winchell.

Good morning.

I'm so happy to meet you.

Thank you.

It's so nice of you to drop
in. I'm Lucy Carmichael.

Oh, how do you do...

I was told outside that
someone here could help me.

Oh, well, it would be a thrill

helping a famous person
like you, Mr. Winchell.

I always read your column.

(chuckles)

No, that's, uh, that's,
uh, that's Walter Winchell.

I'm Paul Winchell.

Oh, of course.

But I knew you were famous.

- You're a ventriloquist.
- Yes, that's right. -Ah.

I don't know how I
could get so confused

when you're really one
of my favorite entertainers.

Thank you.

I just think you're so
wonderful and so funny.

I just get hysterical watching
you and Charlie McCarthy.

No, that's, uh,
that's Edgar Bergen.

Oh, of course.

You work with Charlie Mahoney.

No, Jerry Mahoney.

Jerry, Jerry, that's it.

Oh, you know another
thing I love about you?

I think you better quit
while you're ahead.

Oh, maybe you're right.

Uh, won't you sit down?

What can I do for
you, Mr. Winchell?

Oh, well, thank you.

Uh, well, uh, I'm
thinking about opening up

a savings account here,
and, uh, they told me

that a Mr. Mooney
could help explain

the bank's interest rates to me.

Oh, well, yes, he could,

but he doesn't happen
to be here right now.

Oh.

I'd be glad to explain

our interest rates to you.

Oh, fine. Thank you.

Uh, now then, uh...
on savings accounts

our bank pays five
percent annually.

- Five percent.
- Yes. However...

if the money remains on
deposit for over six months,

we compound the interest
on a quarterly basis,

and this brings the interest

to five-and-three-eighths
percent.

- Oh, I see. Well...
- Unless,

unless the deposit is made
after the tenth of the month.

Now, in this case,

the interest is five-and-
one-sixteenth percent.

Oh, well, then,
in other words...

That is if you deposit more
than a thousand dollars

under our bonus plan,
and it remains in the bank

for one year, yet
less than months...

see, then the interest
is compounded daily.

Daily?

Yes, and it amounts to five-
and-three-quarters percent.

- Oh, well, then...
- Unless...

Oh, when is your birthday?

Uh, uh, December st.

- You're a Sagittarian.
- Yes, that's right.

Well, you're a Sagittarian

and you are eligible
for our birthday club.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Now, our birthday accounts
allow deposits of $ ,

and the interest is
compounded every half hour...

and amounts to
five-and-eighty-nine

one-hundredths percent.

Five-and-eighty-nine
one-hundredths percent?

Yes, sir. Providing that
you return the set of dishes

that we give you when
you open your account.

Unless you prefer the electric
frying pan or the hair dryer.

Or you can have an a*t*matic
toaster, which is guaranteed

for five years or
, slices of bread,

whichever comes first.

Would you like me
to go over that again?

- No, once is enough.
- Oh.

Well, I certainly appreciate
you explaining everything to me.

Well, you're lucky that I was
the one who took care of you,

because I'm one of the
few people in the bank

that knows about
the interest rates.

Oh, I could believe that.

Well, I think I will
open my account here,

and thank you very
much for your help.

Well, thank you.

And, and Mr. Winchell, if
there's ever anything else

I can help you with, don't
hesitate to call on me.

Oh, well, thank you.

And if I can ever help
you, you just call on me.

Well, thank you very much.

- (chuckles) That's nice.
- Thank you.

I hope to see you again soon.

- Good-bye.
- Bye-bye.

(phone rings)

Mr. Mooney's office...

Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

What?

Oh, well, thank you, dear,
but I can't make it Friday night.

No, the bank is having

its annual Employees
Dinner and Show, remember?

Yeah, Mr. Mooney's out
right now trying to line up

all kinds of celebrities
to entertain at the dinner.

Yeah, it's gonna
be a blast. (laughs)

Yeah, well, thanks for
calling anyway, dear.

Bye-bye.

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.
How'd you make out?

I didn't.

You mean you didn't get
anyone to entertain at the dinner?

No one.

Oh, I thought it was
such a good idea,

you calling on the
celebrities in person.

Well, they all turned me down.

They had good reasons,
but they turned me down.

What good reasons?

Well, Bob Hope is doing a show

for the Girl Scouts
in Pismo Beach.

Jack Benny is on a
tour of Fort Knox...

and Dean Martin
just had an operation.

An operation?!

Yes, he had a brass rail removed

that was pressing on
the bottom of his foot.

Oh.

Well, I just don't know
who I'm going to get.

Oh, gee, aren't there any other
movie actors you could call?

Yes, yes, but they're all too
busy running for public office.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, now, Mrs. Carmichael,

don't you know someone
who can help us out?

Think, think a little. Think.

Well, now, let's see, let's see.

We've, we've
already gone through

- our list of clients.
- Yes.

Oh, dear.

Oh, of course, why
didn't I think of him before?

Who? Who?

You know how a thing
can be right under your nose

- and you don't see it?
- Don't see what?

You know, a name can be right on

the tip of your tongue
and you forget it.

What name?

You know how sometimes you can't

- see the forest for the trees?
- What, what trees?

- What...?
- How sometimes you just...

Oh, will you stop babbling
and tell me who it is?!

One of the world's greatest
ventriloquists... Paul Winchell.

Oh, he's wonderful!

- Yes, he is.
- But how can I get him?

I haven't even met him.

Well, I have. He was in
the bank a little while ago,

and I helped him
open an account,

and he told me that he
appreciated it very much,

and if he could
ever do me a favor

that I should call on him.

So I'll go right over and
call on him tonight after work.

Mrs. Carmichael,
if you can get him,

I will see to it that
you get a $ raise.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, $ ?!

Per year.

Per year?!

That isn't even a dollar a week.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hi, Gary.

A golf game?

Uh, no, I can't. I'm
rehearsing right now.

- Paul... -Shh.

Well, it's business, you know.

How about next week?

Great!

Okay, thanks. Good-bye.

Well, you certainly
do need the rehearsal.

I saw your lips moving.

Oh, you funny little snail.

I tell you, Snitchy,

lately you're
absolutely incorrigible.

How dare you say
that I'm incorragi...

that I'm inca... in...

How come you can
say it and I can't?

(chuckles)

Because you're
not as bright as I am.

Now you just sit right
down here for a moment.

Hello, darling.

Well, hello, Tessie.

Listen I, uh, I'd
like to talk with you.

Well, it's about time.

You've been ignoring me all day.

Well, I'm terribly sorry.

Well, what do you want to say?

Well, I hear that you
and your boyfriend

went to a drive-in
movie last night.

Oh, yes, we did.

We had such a wonderful time.

Oh, it was so exciting,
those terrific love scenes.

Uh-huh. Really?

Yes. Tonight we're gonna
go back and see the movie.

(Paul laughs)

Oh, my boyfriend
is so romantical.

- No. -Yes.

- No.
- I tell him "yes," he tells me "no."

You like the boys, I gather.

No, I like the ones I gather.

Oh, Tess... (laughs)

(doorbell rings)

Come in.

PAUL: Oh, hello.

Oh, Mr. Winchell, I'm sorry.

If I'd known your
girlfriend was here, I...

I'm not his girlfriend.

Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Winchell.

I'm not Mrs. Winchell.

I'm not married.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're sorry?!

Well, I-I didn't
mean to intrude.

- I'll come back later.
- No, no, wait a minute.

You're not intruding.

- This is just one of my...
- Watch it, buster.

Oh, Mr. Winchell,

you fooled me completely.

Oh, thank you, Lucy.

You remembered my name.

Oh, well, it's hard
to forget a girl

with such beautiful
natural red hair.

Natural? Hah!

Tessie, that's not very nice.

- Lucy, will you sit down?
- Thank you.

Natural? It probably comes
out of a peroxide bottle.

Well, it certainly is
nice to see you, Lucy.

Well, thank you.

I just thought I'd drop by

and bring you one of the
bank's calendars and, uh...

Oh, well, thank you.

And maybe ask you a
teensy-weensy little favor.

A favor?

Yes, you see, the
bank is having a dinner

at the Beverly Ritz
Hotel Friday night,

and we need someone
wonderful like you to entertain.

Oh, well, thank you
for thinking of me.

What do they intend paying?

Paying?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, it's, it's
sort of a benefit.

A benefit for a bank?

Yeah, well, to be honest,
it's kind of a benefit for me.

Yeah, my boss promised
to give me a raise

if I got you to
come and entertain.

Oh. How much of a raise?

A dollar.

A whole dollar.

Boy, he must be one of
the last of the big spenders.

Yeah. At the bank, we call
him "Diamond Jim Mooney."

(chuckles) Well, okay,
I'll entertain at the dinner,

but I won't do it for
Mooney... I'll do it for you.

Oh, thank you.

You're so wonderful!

You don't know what
this means to me,

getting a wonderful
ventriloquist like you

to entertain.

You know, I've always been
fascinated by ventriloquism.

- Have you really?
- Yes, I have.

Well, you know it can be a
very very interesting hobby,

- especially for a woman.
- Why?

She can always be sure
of having the last word.

Oh, I never thought of that.

Well, Lucy, we ventriloquists
do have an advantage.

We can talk to our little wooden
friends and say anything we want

about anybody and, uh, it's a
great way to let off some steam.

Oh, boy, I could use one

of your little wooden
friends around the office.

Eee, have I got a boss!

I'd like to tell him
a thing or two.

Are they very expensive?

Where can I buy one?

Oh, you don't have to buy one.

I'll lend you one of mine.

Would you?

Why, of course.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Go ahead, take your pick.
Which one would you like?

- Take my pick?
- Any one you want.

Oh, for heaven's...
Oh, look at them..

Oh, he's cute.

Oh, thanks a lot, honey.

Eh... what are you saying,
"Thanks a lot, honey"?

She's talking to me.

Hoo-ooh!

Uh, come here, you
gorgeous hunk of stuff.

Uh, your hand... I kiss
your hand, madame.

Mmm...

Oh, cut it out, Casanova.

I'm the head guy.

Yeah, what a head.

I've seen a better
head on a glass of beer.

Oh, I guess you
think you're kinda cute

with that cockamamie kisser.

Uh! Oh, look's who's talkin'.

Is that your face or are
you ad-libbing till Halloween?

Oh, so you want to
get tough, do you?

All righty.

There.

(grunts)

Ooh!

Ho-ho.

(chuckles)

Oh, would you like to
have an egg shampoo?

Here you are, kiddo.

(grunts)

Why, you, you...

Okay, here's one for you, kid.

Oh, you want to start in, eh?

Here's my calling card.

- Now, wait a minute!
- Yeah, here's one for you.

Now, wait a minute,
fellas... Wait a minute.

Will you wait? Will
you both wait a...?

Will you wait one
moment, please?

Don't you see I have company?

Yeah. And what company!

Yeah, you can see if
she's got a friend for you.

Oh, will you please be quiet?

(Lucy laughs)

(Knucklehead chuckles bashfully)

Yeah, yeah...

Huh? Huh? Oh...

Mm-hmm...

(giggling)

Come here, let me tell you...

(muttering)

(no voice)

(Knucklehead muttering)

(goofy laugh)

Hey, listen, Winch, you
better do something quick.

I think she just entered
The Twilight Zone.

WINCHELL: Lucy?

(laughing)

PAUL: Lucy... Lucy!
(snapping fingers)

Yeah.

What?

Welcome back.

Oh, Paul.

(chuckles)

Oh, Paul.

You were doing that.

I could have sworn
they were alive.

Well, I don't blame you, Lucy.

Sometimes even I forget

that they're nothing but a
couple of brainless dummies.

Who are you calling brainless?

- That's enough!
- Wait! Wait! Wait!

- That's enough! Oh!
- Wait!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Uh, gentlemen, in answer
to your letter of the th,

uh, we are willing
to extend the loan

- provided all conditions pertinent...
- (phone ringing)

Mooney speaking.

Mr. Cheever, sir.

Yes, I was the one
who got Mr. Winchell

to entertain at our dinner, sir.

Well, thank you, sir.

Well, if you're happy,
sir, I'm happy, too, sir.

(chuckles) Oh, you... a bonus?

Well, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Of course, sir.

I can come up to your
office right away, sir.

Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.

Yes, sir.

Well, I'll be back in
a few minutes, sir.

I mean Mrs. Carmichael.

(sighs angrily)

Did you hear that?

(in goofy voice): How
do you like old fatso

taking all the credit?

Oh, now, that's not nice.

It's not nice, but it's true.

He's a fat rat fink.

Oh, Mr. Mooney isn't fat.

He's just a little flabby.

Just a little flabby?

He looks like he
cornered the flab market.

(phone ringing)

Mr. Mooney's office.

WOMAN: I have a person-to-person
call for Lucy Carmichael.

Lucy Carmichael speaking.

Go ahead, Las Vegas.

WINCHELL: Hello, Lucy?

- Yes.
- This is Paul Winchell.

Mr. Winchell, what are
you doing in Las Vegas?

Don't tell me you can't
appear at our dinner.

Old fatso will fire
me. He'll k*ll me.

Now, calm down,
Lucy. I'll be at the dinner.

But the dinner is tonight.

Well, I'll be back tonight.

- That's why I'm calling you.
- Oh.

You see, my plane doesn't
arrive in Los Angeles until : ,

so you're going to
have to do me a favor.

- : ?
- Yeah.

Oh, oh, all right, anything...
Anything at all. What?

- Okay, now, you go to my apartment.
- Yeah.

Get the keys from the
manager, pick up the dummies

and bring them over to the
dinner, and I'll meet you there.

Oh. Go to your apartment,

get the keys from
the manager, pick up...

Okay, don't worry.
I'll have them there.

Anything else?

No, that's all. I'll
see you tonight.

- All right. Paul?
- Yes.

I-I'll meet you at
the back entrance

of the Beverly Ritz Hotel.

Very good.

- Okay. : .
- Right.

- Bye.
- Good-bye.

(humming)

(muttering)

Oh, for heaven's sake.

What's the matter?

I forgot to turn off
this tape recorder

when I left the office.

Oh.

(muttering)

Now, let's see. Where was I?

(Mr. Mooney muttering,
flipping through papers)

Oh, yes, that's
the one. (muttering)

What are you doing?

- Uh, well, I'm going to change your tape.
- Why?

Well, y-you-you-you don't
want to use an old tape.

- Why not?
- Uh, well, you know the proverb.

What proverb?

It's a famous saying.

Uh... if a tape you use and use,
someday you will blow a fuse.

Mrs. Carmichael, I think
you have blown your fuse.

Get your grubby hands off that.

Get away! Get away! Go, go, go.

- Yes, sir.
- Let me see now. Let's see.

LUCY (over tape):
How do you like old fatso

taking all the credit?

Oh, now, that's not nice.

It's not nice, but it's true.

He's a fat rat fink.

Oh, Mr. Mooney isn't fat.

He's just a little flabby.

A little flabby?

He looks like he
cornered the flab market.

(electrical buzzing)

So I cornered the
flab market, did I?

Who was that?!

Well, uh... oh, please,
please, Mr. Mooney,

now, don't make me
become a stool pigeon.

You'll either be a stool
pigeon or a dead duck!

Who was it? Who was it?
Who was it? Who was it?

Well, now, wait a minute.

I-I-I don't want to
mention any names.

I'll just say that... that the-the
person who insulted you

was just a brainless,
wooden-headed dummy.

All right, Mrs. Carmichael.

Fortunately for you,
you defended me.

Oh, you know me...
Little Loyal Lucy.

- Uh, uh, Mr. Winchell?
- Yes?

Oh, on behalf of the bankers,

I want to thank you,
sir, for coming here.

I am Theodore J. Mooney.

Oh, Diamond Jim.

I beg your pardon.

Uh, never mind. Uh,
where's Mrs. Carmichael?

Well, I-I-I don't know.

Uh, but it's
getting rather late.

Can we start the show?

Uh, well, not until Mrs.
Carmichael shows up.

Oh, why not?

Well, she's bringing
over my little friends.

Your little friends?

My dummies.

Oh. Oh.

- I see.
- WINCHELL: Ah.

- Hi.
- Hello. Hi, Lucy.

- Have fun in Vegas?
- Oh, yeah.

- Great.
- I'm sorry I'm a little late, but there...

there was an awful
lot of heavy traffic.

- Hello, Mr. Mooney.
- Hello.

- Lucy? Where's the dummies?
- Yeah.

- What?
- Where are the dummies?

Oh, they're right...

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Well... well, didn't
you pick them up?

Uh, yeah, yeah,
I picked them up.

I-I brought them
over here in a cab.

Well... well, then,
where are they?

Well, I... they look so human,

when I got out of the cab,

I thought they were
going to follow me.

- Follow you?
- Yeah.

Lucy, I can't do a show
without the dummies.

- Maybe the cab is still there.
- But, Lucy...

Boy, what a spot to put me into.

How could she
do a thing like that?

It's your own fault.

You shouldn't have trusted
your dummies with my dummy.

- The cab is gone.
- (Winchell groans)

- So are you.
- What?

Mrs. Carmichael, Mr. Cheever

and the other members
of the bank board

are sitting out there,
waiting for a show to begin,

and unless a show begins,

you are finished,
dismissed, through,

kaput, canned, fired and sacked!

- Mr. Mooney?
- What?!

Does that mean I don't
get my dollar raise?

(angry muttering)

- What-what are we going to do?
- Well, I don't know; I can't

- go on without the dummies.
- Oh, now, wait a minute,

Mr. Winchell,
please don't leave.

Well, what'll I do, Lucy?

Well-well-well, maybe you
could do a few magic tricks.

No, I can't do any magic tricks.

- Well, can you sing?
- No, I can't sing.

Oh... could you juggle?

I can't do anything
without the dummies.

- Please! Please!
- Lucy, what'll I do?

Maybe you could dance
a little or something.

I can't even dance, Lucy!

- Dance a little... couple of steps.
- No!

(drumroll)

ANNOUNCER: And
now, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Paul Winchell.

Thank you.

Take a bow, Tessie.

Take another bow... A
nice, big bow, Tessie.

Take a bow. (chuckles)
Very, very good.

(audience applauding)

Now, Tessie, I want to
tell you that all of the people

in this large and
wonderful audience

are very pleased to meet you.

WINCHELL (as Tessie):
Oh, likewise, I'm sure.

Uh, uh, Tessie?

Uh, what?

(sniffing): Uh, is
that perfume I smell?

LUCY and WINCHELL:
It is, and you do.

- Don't talk.
- Oh.

Uh, well, it's a
wonderful perfume.

Oh, it costs $ an
ounce, and it's called...

"Perhaps."

Perhaps?

Uh, for $ , it
should be "Positively."

(laughing)

Oh, that's a good one.

Well I... (laughs) I'm
sure that it will make

a fine impression
on your boyfriend.

We're... we're not seeing
each other anymore.

No.

I tell him yes; he tells me no.

Well, what happened between
you and your boyfriend?

Oh, he's so insulting.

Last night, he told me to fix
the wrinkles in my stockings.

Well, what's wrong with that?

I wasn't wearing stockings.

(chuckles) Well, uh... uh, no.

Again he says no, and I say yes.

Well, I'm sorry that you
broke up with your boyfriend.

Oh, it's just as well.

We didn't get along lately.

Oh, why not?

Well, he had water on his knee,

and every time I sat on
his lap, I floated away.

(grunts)

Do you have water
on your knee, too?

Um, look, Tessie, uh,

let's not discuss
our personal affairs.

We're here to entertain this
wonderful group of people.

You know, they're all
in the banking business.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I can sing a medley
of banker songs.

You mean, you know
special songs for bankers?

Sure.

"Your Dime is My Dime."

Oh, perhaps we better
not sing that type of song.

So what'll we do?

Well, I don't know.

Uh, what does
this audience want?

(piano plays brief introduction)

♪ What does the audience want? ♪

♪ Should we be jokey ♪

♪ Or would it be hokey? ♪

♪ Should you act girlish
or Milton Berle-ish? ♪

(laughs)

♪ What does the audience want? ♪

Tell us!

♪ What do these
bankers all want? ♪

♪ Should we be loony
like Mr. Mooney? ♪

♪ She's got a hanker
to kid that banker ♪

♪ Oh, tell me, what
do these bankers... ♪

- I know.
- What?

♪ I could drink some
tea simultaneously ♪

♪ While my partner sings ♪

Sing.

♪ Yankee Doodle went to
town just to ride a pony ♪

♪ Stuck a... ♪

(coughing)

♪ What do these
bankers all want? ♪

♪ Shall we talk money
or just be funny? ♪

♪ I tell you ♪

♪ We're here to please
you with things that we do ♪

♪ We'll never tease
you, get off of this shoe ♪

♪ What does this
lovely audience ♪

♪ What does this
lovely audience ♪

♪ What does this
lovely audience want? ♪