05x07 - Lucy Gets a Roommate

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Good morning. I see
you finally got here.

Oh, well, I had to stop
and pick up the mail.

Let me have it please.

Oh, no, this is all for me, sir.

All for you?

Yes. I put an ad in the paper.

- An ad?
- Yes.

You know, I have done something

that's going to make
you very happy.

You're looking for another job.

Oh, no, Mr. Mooney. No.

I'm advertising for a roommate.

Why would that make me happy?

Well, you're always criticizing
me for spending so much money.

And if I have a roommate, I'll
cut my expenses right in half.

Just think, half of the
utilities, half of the rent,

half of the groceries.

And half of the
morning has gone by

and you haven't
done any work yet.

I-I have to read these
letters very carefully.

You know, it's a big
decision picking a roommate.

It's very difficult for two
people to live together.

Those are the very words I
said to my wife this morning.

Well, out of all these,

- I should be able to find a roommate.
- Yeah.

Wait... wait a minute.
You hardly glanced at that.

Why did you throw
it away so quickly?

Because I don't want a
roommate named Irving.

Oh, this one looks
very promising.

Listen to this. "My
dear Mrs. Carmichael,

"I am very interested
in sharing an apartment

"with such a person as
you describe in your ad.

"I, too, am young, intelligent,

"refined and pleasant.

"I am a college graduate

"and presently
employed as a librarian.

Yours truly, Carol Bradford."

Oh, she sounds just perfect...

if she's five foot,
six and a half.

What difference does
it make how tall she is?

Well, so we can wear
each other's clothes.

I just can't wait to
interview my new roommate.

If you don't get to work,

I will be interviewing
a new office mate.

Yes, sir, yes, sir...

♪♪

(jingling)

- Hi, Lucy.
- Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

- Is she here yet?
- No, not yet.

What's that?

Oh, those are elephant
bells from India.

- Aren't they beautiful?
- Oh!

Let's see now. Oh, yes.
I'm going to put this here.

That's a good height for that.

For heaven's sake, you'd
think you were expecting royalty

instead of a roommate.

Well, I can tell by her letter

she's very refined
and dignified,

and that's just the kind
of girl I'm looking for.

You know, she's
a college graduate,

and I want to make a
very favorable impression.

Hey, that's new.

Yeah, yeah. You like it?

Uh, yeah. What is it?

- It's an abstract.
- Oh.

Gee, I paid almost a whole
week's salary for that thing,

but I think it will impress her.

- (doorbell rings)
- Oh, that must be her.

I mean, "It must be she."

I'm going to have to
watch my grammar.

I'll see you later.

Okay, thanks for coming over.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I'm Carol Bradford.
I answered your ad.

Yes, yes. And
I'm-I'm Lucy Carm...

(clears throat, deep
voice): I'm Lucy Carmichael,

and I was expecting you.

Can I help you with your things?

Thank you.

May I take that?

Oh, no, no, no, thank you.

I'll-I'll just put it
right over here.

Oh, okay.

Won't you come in?

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I should have warned
you about that step.

No, I'm all right. I'm just
glad it happened here

- instead of at the library.
- Oh.

They're very strict about noise.

Yes. Oh, look, you
broke your glasses.

Oh, no, I always
wear them like that.

Without lenses?

I have on contact lenses. See?

Oh, well, then why
do you wear the...?

So people won't think I'm vain.

Oh, well...

Oh, I don't think you
could ever be vain.

You're-you're much too
refined and dignified for that.

- Oh. That's my library training.
- Oh?

- Believe me, it isn't always easy.
- No?

Especially when you get some
of those people in the library

who are looking for a book
and they can't remember the title

or the author's name, and
you go through shelf after shelf

after book after book,

and you want to say
to them, "Drop dead!"

But you don't dare
because it's a library.

Well, it must be very difficult
to control yourself at times.

- Yes. Well, I'm very dedicated.
- Oh.

One time I was way
up high on a ladder

- putting a book back
on a shelf, -Yeah...

and somebody came
along and took the ladder

right out from under me
and left me hanging there.

- And do you know something?
- What?

I waited until
that library closed

before I would yell, "Help!"

My. Well, you
certainly are dedicated.

Well, I like to be
considerate of other people.

Oh, well, that's-that's good.

That's just the kind of girl
that I was hoping to have

for a roommate, I can tell you.

Well, that's the
kind of girl you got.

I'm so glad.

Why don't we...

(both chuckle)

You know, even though
we just met, I have a feeling

that, uh, just
by "little" things,

that we're going to
be very compatible.

Well, you know, the
"little things" are important.

Yeah, you said it.

Some things can
really drive me batty.

Oh, I know what you mean.

You know, one
of the little things

that drives me
crazy at the library

is when we get one of
those loud finger-wetters.

Loud finger-wetters?

Yeah, you know the kind I mean.

(lips smack)

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, I knew... I knew
a girl like that in school,

and we never knew

whether she was gonna
read the book or eat it.

(loud, shrill laughter)

Oh, I'm so glad you
have a sense of humor.

I don't dare laugh
down at the library.

I can understand that.

You know, I think
I'll just clear this off

a little bit and make
us some coffee.

- Oh.
- Excuse me.

(sneezes loudly)

Bless you. Bless you.

- Thank you.
- I think I better close the window.

Maybe you're catching cold.

Oh, no, no. It's all
right. It's just an allergy.

Oh, what are you allergic to?

We found out it's
something in the air.

What?

Oxygen.

- (sneezes loudly)
- Oh.

Oh. Here.

I do think I better
close the window.

Oh, no, no, leave it
open. Harvey likes it open.

Who's Harvey?

My goldfish.

Oh, you have a goldfish?

Oh, I hope he's welcome here.

Oh, of course he is. Of course.

Well, actually, the
manager doesn't allow pets,

but as long as he's housebroken.

(shrill laughter)

Oh, you have a
wonderful sense of humor!

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I'll get the coffee.

All right and I'll get Harvey.

He doesn't like to
be left out of things.

No, you bring him in.

(bells clanging)

What happened?!

- (clanging)
- I'm so sorry.

I forgot about that step again.

I'm so embarrassed.

Well, don't be embarrassed.
I do it all the time.

I'm gonna have
to put in a ski lift.

(shrill laughter)

Oh, Harvey's going to love you.

(baby talk): Here's
the little baby.

Oh, so, that's Harvey, huh?

Yeah, well, you
better let me carry him.

- I wouldn't want anything...
- Oh!

Oh. Oh, I hope
Harvey's all right.

Oh, he's fine. He
likes to play rough.

Oh, good.

Oh, well, make him
feel right at home.

I'll get the coffee.

All right. I'll just put
him on this table.

(sighs) This place is so nice.

- I know I'm going to love it here.
- I'm glad.

Oh, is it all right if I
hang something up?

You bet it is. This is
your home too, you know.

Thank you.

Now let's see.

Aha!

Yech!

We'll just put
this right up here.

Oh, that looks so much better.

- Don't you think so?
- Well...

- Now what else do you think we should do?
- What?

I know. We can put this nice
chair right over here like that,

and then we can take this
table with the flowers on it,

and we can put
that right over here

and make that a nice
cozy little corner like that.

- Don't you think that looks better?
- Well...

I think the room could be
angled a little for more advantage.

Now let me see.
We'll take the couch

and we can move
that back here like that.

Doesn't that look better?

Yeah. And now
we'll take this chair,

and we can put
that right back up...

Oh, excuse me...
Right here like that.

And let's see. One more thing.

Oh, yeah, we'll take Harvey
and we'll put him right over here.

Why?

He likes to watch television.

He's crazy about Flipper.

Now you stay right
there, sweetheart,

while Mommy has her coffee.

That table should be centered.

- Hi, Lucy.
- Hi.

Well, I came over to
meet your new roomie.

Where is she?

She's in taking a shower.

Oh, Lucy, you've
rearranged your furniture.

Yeah, my new roomie
rearranged my furniture.

I love it.

You do?

Oh, look at that!

Yeah, how about that?

That's some more
of her handiwork.

I like that better
than the abstract.

You do, huh?

You know, she must
be really a homebody.

You don't find many
girls like that anymore.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But I think she's gonna
be m*rder to live with.

Oh? Why?

Well, for one thing, she's
got a laugh like a hyena.

And she, when she sneezes,
she sounds like a sonic blast.

Lucy, don't you think
you're exaggerating a little?

No.

(loud sneeze, both gasp)

- You see what I mean? Yes?
- Lucy?!

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know...
- No, that's all right.

Come here. I'd like you to
meet my girlfriend, Mary Jane.

This is Carol Bradford.
Mary Jane Lewis.

- Hello, Carol.
- How do you do?

I found this ribbon
on your dresser

and I wondered what it was for.

Oh, I've had that
thing for years.

I won fourth place in a contest.

What kind of contest?

A beauty contest.

(shrill laughter)

She's hysterical.

(continues laughing)

I don't think I'm going to
be able to take much of this.

(yodeling wail)

Carol, are you all right?

I was vocalizing.

Vocalizing?

That's the way I vocalize.

(loud yodeling wail)

- Oh.
- I sing in a choir.

Oh, she sings in a choir.

We... we meet every
Saturday afternoon.

Oh, well, that must
be very nice for you.

It is. I-I don't have
much of a social life.

Well, I'm... I'm kind
of shy around people,

but somehow, when I'm
singing, I feel more at ease.

Oh.

Well, besides singing, what
else do you do for amusement?

Oh, I read a lot.

Oh, well, don't you
ever go out after work?

Oh, sure. Sometimes
the girls and I

go out after the library closes.

Oh. Where do you go?

We know this
after-hours library.

What... uh, what's that?

Well, it's a research
library near the university.

It's open till : .

Well, I guess that
must give you a chance

to meet some of the boys
from the university, huh?

No, I haven't met any boys.

You haven't?

Why, I'll bet there
are lots of boys

that would like to go
out with you, Carol.

- Yes.
- (hiccups) Oh.

- Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- That's... that's all right.

When I get nervous,
I get the hiccups.

(hiccups loudly)

What are you nervous about?

I think it's the topic
of our conversation.

(hiccups)

Going out with boys
makes you nervous?

No... not going out with them.

(hiccups)

(hiccups)

We're just going to
have to do something

to get that poor
girl out of her shell.

I suppose so, but what?

Well, let me think a minute.

- Hey.
- What?

We could have a party and
introduce her to some boys.

What boys?

Well, how about those
musicians that live across the hall?

They're very nice.

And they're just kooky enough
to get Carol out of her shell.

Maybe she belongs in a shell.

Why?

'Cause I think she's
some kind of a nut.

(yodeling wail)

(thud)

Mary Jane, I think I'll put
these two tables together

so we can put the
stuff on there, huh?

- Oh, yeah, that's good.
- And I'm going to push

this divan back farther so
we have more room to dance.

Oh, that's much better.

Oh, gosh, I wish those
fellas would get here.

I'd like to have the party
started before Carol gets home.

Don't worry, they'll come.

- They promised, Lucy.
- (doorbell ringing)

BOTH: There they are.

(ringing continues)

- Hi. -Hi!
- Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Mary. Hi.

Oh!

Gee, you brought
your instruments.

How wonderful.

Well, this is a party, isn't it?

Oh, well, I'm so
glad you got here.

I was afraid you
wouldn't show up.

Neither rain nor sleet nor snow

could keep us from our
appointed freeloading.

What freeloading? Here's a
pizza and a bottle of Chianti.

- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, thank you.

LUCY: That's very nice of you.

Now, where's that swinging
chick Mary Jane told us about?

Swinging chick?

Yeah, the doll that poses
for all those bikini ads.

Oh, Mary Jane.

Well, you wanted them
to show up, didn't you?

Oh, really.

Look, fellas, Carol's not
exactly a swinging chick.

She's very nice and... but
she's rather shy and inhibited,

and I just thought, if I
had a few people over,

it might bring her
out of her shell.

Oh. Mel can handle that.

He's very good at
getting girls out of things.

Once, he got a girl
out of Cincinnati.

- Oh!
- I did not!

They're just putting me on

because I happen to
be kind of shy myself.

Oh, well, I'm sure you and
Carol will get along just fine.

Look, what say we get
the party started, huh?

- How about playing something?
- Good. -Okay.

(bells clanging)

(laughs): Oh...

I know you and Carol
will get along fine.

Listen, fellas,
just play anything.

I want the party really
swinging when Carol comes in.

Come on, get over here, Al,

- and play a rhythm.
- Anything at all.

- (playing upbeat tune)
- Anything with a b*at.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- How's that, Lucy?

- Oh! -Hey!
- (bells jingling rhythmically)

Oh, yeah!

(scatting)

(men whooping)

Hold it! Carol!

- Fellas, Carol is here.
- (music stops)

Come on, Carol,
we're having a party.

N-no, thank you. I'm not
much of a party crasher.

Oh, now, you're not
crashing. Come on, honey.

No, Lucy, I have this
book I have to finish.

Oh, come on, now.

You're the guest
of honor, Carol.

- Come on.
- (bells clanging)

(thumping)

Now, honey, uh, I want
you to meet the fellas.

Fellas, this is Carol.

Hi, Carol. We live
across the hall.

(all talking at once)

LUCY: Yeah, a-and
we... we thought we'd have

a little get-together tonight,
and-and these fellas...

They brought pizza and wine.

Yeah, help yourself, everybody.

- Oh, wonderful.
- Oh, salute.

Salute. Salute.

Aren't you going to
have some, Carol?

No, thank you. I don't drink.

Oh, well, this is just wine.

It goes with the pizza
that the fellas brought.

Uh, in Italy, they drink
this just like water.

I'm a firm believer in
drinking a lot of water.

Uh, Carol, this is Mel.

Hi, Carol.

I'm Mel.

Uh, Carol works in a library.

Oh, that's very interesting.

Yeah, well, tell her
what you do, Mel.

I don't work in a library.

That's very interesting.

Uh, look, why don't
you two go over there

and-and talk a
little while, and...

and we'll get the stuff
ready for the party, and...

and, uh, you-you just
enjoy yourself now.

Um... um... did you know

that there are six million,
thousand books

in the New York Public Library?

No.

Did you know that,
contrary to popular belief,

the first public library
was not founded

in Boston, Massachusetts, but in
Peterborough, New Hampshire?

No.

Did you know...

that more than
, library books

are stolen annually?

I didn't know that.

Well, that's
classified information

and shouldn't be given out.

I'm going to my room.

Oh, no, Carol, don't
go to your room, darling.

Stay here. Come on, now,
honey, and enjoy yourself.

- I can't.
- Now... now, listen.

Stop. Just try to relax.

- I can't help it.
- Don't be so self-conscious.

- I so nervous when I get
around men, -Oh, honey.

And you know what
happens when I get nervous.

Oh...

I get the... (hiccups)

See?!

Carol, for heaven's
sake, just try to relax.

- (hiccups)
- Listen. Listen, honey.

You said, sometimes when
you sing, you feel more at ease.

- That's true.
- Yeah, well, then, come on.

- (hiccups)
- Why don't you sing a song?

- (high-pitched): Me sing...
- Yes.

- I can't sing.
- Yes, come on.

- No, I can't sing.
- Of course you can. Yes, you can.

Just pretend that you're
singing with your choir.

- With the choir?
- Yeah, come on, try it, honey.

- Come on. Come on. Fellas.
- (moans)

Uh, Carol, uh, said that
she'd like to sing a song.

No, I can't.

And... and she wants
you to accompany her.

- Come on, Carol.
- Sure. Sure.

Well, what do you
want to sing, honey?

They wouldn't know
anything I know.

Oh, don't you worry about that.

You just start the
melody, and we'll jump in.

Anything. Go
ahead, we'll play it.

Go ahead, honey, go ahead.

(Lucy chuckles)

Could I have a little
more of that Italian water?

♪ Oh, please gather
round me, brethren ♪

♪ And listen to this hymn ♪

♪ 'Bout how evil ♪

- ♪ Ooh... ♪
- ♪ Battles virtue ♪

♪ And the fight
to sink or swim ♪

(clears throat)

♪ There's a lost
sheep that I know of ♪

- ♪ Ooh... ♪ -♪ Caught
in Satan's web of sin ♪

♪ And I sing for
the forgiveness ♪

♪ Of the evil plight she's in ♪

- (musicians stop) -♪ They
call her hard-hearted Hannah ♪

- (musicians resume)
- ♪ The vamp of Savannah ♪

♪ The meanest gal in town ♪

♪ Leather is tough ♪

♪ But Hannah's
heart is tougher ♪

♪ She's a gal who loves ♪

- ♪ To see men suffer ♪
- MUSICIANS: Aah!

♪ To tease 'em
and to thrill 'em ♪

♪ To t*rture and to k*ll 'em ♪

♪ Is her delight, they say ♪

♪ I saw her at the seashore ♪

♪ With a great big pan ♪

♪ There was Hannah
pouring water ♪

♪ On a drowning man ♪

♪ She's hard-hearted Hannah ♪

♪ The vamp of Savannah ♪

♪ G. A... ♪

♪ The vamp ♪

♪ Of Savannah ♪

♪ G.A... ♪

(excited chatter)

(excited chatter continues)

Oh, wonderful!

Carol, you're just wonderful!

Like I said, music
does something to me.

- Yeah.
- Lucy, we got her out of her shell.

Yeah, way out!

♪♪