05x08 - Lucy and Carol in Palm Springs

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

(Tarzan call)

Boy, it's a good thing I
know you're vocalizing,

or I'd think you were
calling for your mate.

I've got to sing tonight and I
want my voice to be in shape.

I know. I know.

Hey, Lucy, have
I got everything?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Good.

- Hey, Lucy...
- What?

I can't get this shut.

Oh, here let me help you.

You just don't know how.

That's using your head.

Oh, Lucy, I just
can't believe it.

- What?
- Me!

Last week, a librarian,
this week, in show business,

going to Palm Springs. Me!

Well, if you find it
so hard to believe,

I've got it right here in black
and white. Listen to this:

"The popular Vagabonds
group has added Carol Bradford

"as their featured vocalist

for their appearance at the
Palm Springs Golf Classic."

How about that.

(hiccups)

(hiccups)

Oh, what's the matter?

You know when I get nervous,
I get the (hiccups) hiccups.

I know.

Oh, I wish you
were going with me.

Oh, now, Carol, I'd
love to, but I can't.

Oh, but if you were going with
me, I wouldn't be so nervous.

Oh, it's such a beautiful place,

- and you'd meet such a lot of people.
- I know.

- Oh, it'd be such fun.
- I know, honey.

Lucy, you know some of
the most eligible bachelors

in the world play in
that golf tournament.

Oh?

And that's exactly why
you shouldn't pass this up.

It's like that
famous old saying...

"Opportunity knocks but once."

No. "It's later than you think."

Carol, I can't afford
a trip to Palm Springs.

Hey, Lucy,

all the members of the act
get their room and board free.

So?

Well, we'll just say
that you're one of us,

and they won't
know the difference.

- Oh, I couldn't do that.
- Oh, Lucy...

(hiccups) Oh,
please come with me.

Oh, now, honey, I can't.

- Oh...
- Besides, Mr. Mooney is bringing

some work over here for
me to do over the weekend.

He'll be here any minute.

Hey, Lucy, why don't
you pretend you're sick

and then let him get
somebody else to do the work.

- Pretend I'm sick?
- Yeah.

What would I say
was wrong with me?

Uh, how about a sore
throat or... or a broken arm?

- Broken arm?
- Yeah.

- (doorbell rings)
- Well...

Oh!

Oh, well.

(weakly): Come in.

Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

(weakly): Good
morning, Mr. Mooney.

Forgive me for not
going to the door,

but I... I-I was just unable
to climb those stairs.

Well, what-what's wrong?

I don't know, it just
hit me all of a sudden.

I just feel blah.

MR. MOONEY: Oh, that's too bad.

However, I firmly believe
that if people get busy working,

they get their
minds off themselves

and they feel much better.

But this poor girl has
been very sick all day.

Oh?

Oh, oh, Mr. Mooney,

this is my roommate,
Carol Bradford.

Well, how do you do?

So you're that nice, sweet,

considerate boss Lucy's
always talking about.

Oh, she must be sick.

She really is, Mr. Mooney.

She's not able to work.

I used to be a nurse, and I know

- what's the matter with her.
- What?

Uh...

she has a-a... tsetse virus.

MR. MOONEY: A tsetse virus?

Yes, and it's very contagious.

Why, you shouldn't even be here.

Well-well, if it's
so contagious,

what are you doing here?

Eh, oh, uh, well, uh...

it's only contagious
to people over .

Oh. Well, then
I'm safe. (chuckles)

But perhaps I should leave.

I might pass it on
to Mrs. Mooney.

Oh, this is very upsetting.

This work is so important.

- Maybe if I sent my doctor over to...
- (Lucy groaning)

Your doc... Oh, no,
no, no, Mr. Mooney.

All she needs is complete
rest over the weekend.

She'll snap out of this.

I don't think it's fatal.

Oh, I hope not.

I hope... Uh, good-bye.

(groaning gibberish)

Uh, oh, uh,

just in case it is fatal,
would you try to find out

where she keeps my
stamps and petty cash?

Yahoo!

BOTH: Palm Springs,
here we come!

♪♪

Hey. (laughs)

Isn't this the life?

Oh, yeah, just great.

Oh, and I think the
rooms are beautiful.

- Aren't they too much?
- Oh, I love the colors.

Yeah.

Why are you
putting that up there?

It's closer to the sun.

That's a good idea.

(Tarzan call)

It's clearing up. (chuckles)

That's good.

- Carol?
- Hmm?

Am I tan yet?

Your foot looks tan.

Oh, that's the dye
from my shoes.

Oh, well, they
ought to bottle it.

It works better than
the suntan lotion.

(Carol and Lucy sigh)

- You know what I love about getting a tan?
- What?

It makes people's teeth
look so nice and white.

Yeah. Once I get started,

I smile right up
through Labor Day.

(Lucy chuckles)

What are you doing?

Well, I want to get
some sun on my neck

so I won't have a white blotch.

Oh, yeah. I always have trouble

getting the inside
of my arms tan.

It's pretty tough
to get an even tan.

Sure is.

- Pardon me...
- (Lucy and Carol scream)

I'm Mr. Haskell,
the hotel manager.

Oh, how do you do? (laughs)

I was just checking
your accommodations.

When I engaged this group,
I was under the impression

there was only one
woman in the act.

Oh, well, n-no, there
must be some mistake.

Miss Carmichael here

is a very important member
of the group. (chuckles)

Oh? I see.

Well, I'll look forward
to seeing you perform.

Good afternoon, ladies.

CAROL AND LUCY: Good afternoon.

Oh, Carol, I was afraid
something like this

was gonna happen.

When he finds out I
don't work in the act,

he'll throw me
right out of here.

Now, don't you
worry; we'll figure out

- some way to use you in the act.
- What can I do?

Well, there must be
something you can do.

Well, I-I can play
"Glow Little Glow Worm"

on an E-flat alto sax.

I learned it in
the eighth grade.

No. Somehow I don't
think this is gonna be

a "Glow Little Glow
Worm" audience.

Oh, I better start packing.

Oh, no, Lucy,
please stay with me.

We'll figure out
something. (hiccups)

- But what?
- You got to stay, Lucy.

I'm gonna be so nervous.

I want to stay. I want...

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

We're bringing you all the color

preceding tomorrow's annual
Palm Springs Golf Classic.

And here to open
the festivities,

a great musical
group, The Vagabonds,

featuring Carol Bradford
and Lucy Carmichael.

(applause, cheering)

♪ Along the beach at Waikiki ♪

♪ A fair wahine
is waiting for me ♪

- ♪ With her dark eyes ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And lovable charms ♪

♪ A very sweet
Hawaiian hospitality ♪

♪ A huki laki lau ♪

♪ Huki laki lau ♪

♪ A huki laki lau ♪

♪ Huki luki lau ♪

♪ A huki laki lau ♪

♪ Huki luki lau ♪

♪ A huki laki lau ♪

♪ Huki luki lau ♪

Honolulu.

Beautiful Honolulu.

(high-pitched twang)

♪ A huki laki lau ♪

- ♪ Huki luki lau ♪
- Honolulu.

- (singing continues)
- Located in the singular island

of Oahu.

Oahu spelled backwards is...

uh-hah!

♪ We're going ♪

♪ To a hukilau ♪

♪ A huki, huki,
huki, huki, hukilau ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Loves a hukilau ♪

♪ Where a laulau and
a kaukau is a big luau ♪

♪ We throw our nets ♪

♪ Right into the sea ♪

♪ And all the little fishies ♪

♪ Come swimming to me ♪

♪ Oh, we're going ♪

♪ To a hukilau ♪

♪ A huki, huki, huki, huki... ♪

- ♪ Ha-na-na, na, na ♪
- ♪ Ha-na-na, na, na... ♪

(men chanting over
Polynesian drumbeat)

(continue rapid chanting)

♪ Ooh-day ooh-yay
av-lay ee-may ♪

♪♪

(men chanting rapidly)

♪♪

♪ Uh! ♪

(chanting rapidly)

♪ Uh! Ah... ♪

(deep bellowing)

♪ Ah... ♪

(deep bellow)

(high-pitched twanging)

(holding last twang)

(deep bellowing)

(holding last note)

(applause, whistling)

(indistinct shouts)

Hey, Lucy, you did great.

I think I fooled the
manager, anyway.

Didn't I tell you there'd be a lot
of handsome men around here?

And didn't I listen?

Oh, and look, they're
putting the men's names up

like bargains in a supermarket.

(Lucy laughs)

LUCY: Ooh...

May I help you?

Uh, no, I was just browsing.

(chuckles, clears throat)

Lucy, look!

Colin Grant's playing
in the tournament.

Colin Grant, the
millionaire sportsman?

Yeah!

- Oh!
- Oh, what a man.

Not only rich, but so
handsome, so adventurous.

Yeah, yeah, but you know
what I like about him the most?

- What?
- He's so single.

Yeah, I don't know how long
that's gonna keep up, though,

with the way the women keep
throwing themselves at him.

Yeah, I don't know
how women can do that.

I could never run after a man.

You know, I think that is
probably the most foolish thing

any woman has ever done.

- Carol, it's...
- I know.

Lu...

COLIN: I wonder if I
could have my starting time.

My name is Grant, Colin Grant.

Oh, yes, sir. :
tomorrow morning.

Well, look who's
here! Colin Grant.

- Pardon me, sir.
- Hi. How are you?

I wonder if we could
have a few words

for the radio
audience... Would you?

Well, I'm not much of a talker,
but I'd be happy to oblige you,

- sure.
- Well, thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, we
have now at our microphone

Mr. Colin Grant,
celebrated big game hunter,

deep-sea fisherman,
and a fine golfer.

- COLIN: Well, thank you.
- Thank you.

It's nice to have you here, sir.

It's a pleasure to be here.

Mr. Grant, I dislike making the
ladies in our audience unhappy,

but I hear you are a
confirmed bachelor.

(chuckles) No, I
wouldn't say that.

As a matter of fact,
I've reached an age

where I'm seriously
considering getting married.

Do you have anyone
special in mind?

No. No, as a matter of
fact, I think probably I'll have

a little trouble
finding the right girl.

INTERVIEWER: Oh?

What do you mean
by "the right girl"?

Well, I mean a girl

that's interested
in things that I like...

You know, golfing,
hunting, fishing.

Well, I hope you do find
the right girl, Mr. Grant,

and I hope tomorrow you
find our golf course here

to your liking, too.

Well, I'm sure I will.
Nice talking to you.

Nice talking to you.
Thank you very much.

All right, good-bye.

Oh... isn't he divine?

You know, I think
my browsing is over.

(laughs)

Gee, I wonder how I
can get to meet him?

- Lucy, I know.
- What do you mean?

I'll go over and ask
him for his autograph

and then I'll bring you over.

You'll ask him for his autograph
and then, then bring me over?

Yeah.

Okay.

- Carol.
- Huh?

You won't forget
to bring me over?

Hi.

Mr. Grant?

Yes.

Could I have your autograph?

Why, sure.

(both laugh)

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Actually, i-it's not for
me, i-it's for my girlfriend.

Oh?

Yeah, she's just crazy
about big game hunting and,

and safaris and the jungle.

(Tarzan call)

I'll tell him you
were asking for him.

Oh, thank you.

My girlfriend's going to
be so thrilled with this.

Is that so?

Why didn't she ask for
my autograph herself?

Oh, well, to tell you the truth,

she's very
standoffish about men.

She can't stand women who
are always chasing after men.

Oh, that's refreshing.

Where is this standoffish
friend of yours?

Right over there.

Oh... little lady didn't
want to meet me, huh?

Afraid not.

Well, you can't win 'em all.

But I'll see if I can
get her over here.

Lucy, he wants to meet you.

He does?

Lucy, Lucy, play it
cool, act very standoffish.

- Standoffish?
- Yeah, like you don't care.

Come on.

Miss Carmichael, may
I present Mr. Grant?

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Uh, Lucy was quite
interested in that safari film

you showed on
TV the other night.

Oh, is that so? Have you ever
done any big game hunting?

Oh, I'll say she has.

Uh, last winter she needed
a new rug for her ski lodge,

and do you know what she did?

What?

Well, she took
a little ol' r*fle

and went out
hunting for a grizzly.

A grizzly bear?

Yes, back in Wyoming.

Oh, yes, that'-that's-that's
where I have my skiing lodge.

This grizzly was so big

that all the hunters
called him Old Goliath.

(chuckles) Old Goliath,
yeah, that... oh, yeah, that...

There she was,

following his tracks,

when suddenly something in
the bushes moved ahead of her,

and there she was, face-to-face
with this big old grizzly,

and all she had was
her trusty little r*fle.

That must have been frightening.

Was it a . - or a . - ?

Well, I'd say it
was about - .

She means the bear was
just as scared as she was.

(chuckling): Oh, yeah.

You finally bagged him, huh?

Uh, yes, yes.

Today Old Goliath is
known as Old Wall-to-Wall.

(both laughing)

Doesn't she have a
terrific sense of humor?

Yeah, as a matter of
fact, she's quite a gal.

(chuckles) Thank you.

Say,

I hadn't planned on
going to this dinner-dance

they're having here tonight,
but I was just wondering,

perhaps you'd like to
be my dinner date tonight.

Oh, uh, I, uh,

I really have been
swamped with invitations,

but I'd be glad to put
your name on the list.

Well, I don't want to intrude...

On the top of the list.

Oh.

Well, fine, I'll
see you tonight.

Uh, y-yes, uh, about what time?

Well, how about...?

Uh, want to make it
as early as poss...?

How about eight-ish?

Oh, how about half-past-ish?

Well, that's okay with me.

If you'll excuse me, girls,

I want to get out
on the practice tee.

Oh, yes.

- See you later.
- Okay. -Bye.

(both sigh)

Oh, isn't he something?

Oh, what a beautiful
day I'm having.

What a beautiful night
you're going to have.

(whistles)

Imagine me dating Colin Grant.

(Carol sighs)

Carol, look.

Oh, no, are you sure
that's your Mr. Mooney?

Well... I know it's
my Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Carmichael, I
thought you were sick!

You should have seen me
when your name went up.

What are you doing here?

- Well...
- M-Mr. Mooney, it's all my fault.

I forced her to come down
here to bake out her virus.

Yeah, you want
a nice, healthy girl

showing up for work
Monday morning, don't you?

Yes, so I'll call the
employment agency

and have them send me one.

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney,

you wouldn't fire a girl

just because she
got well, would you?

Well, now that you're well, go
back to town and get to work.

But I can't, I can't
leave, Mr. Mooney.

Why not?!

Be-Because t-tonight's one
of the most important nights

in my whole life.

Colin Grant, the
famous sportsman,

has asked me to go to
the dinner-dance with him.

- Colin Grant?
- Yes.

You have a date
with Colin Grant?

- Haven't I?
- Yes.

Why, he's my partner
in the tournament.

- I know, I know.
- Yeah.

A man like that doesn't like
to be stood up, Mr. Mooney.

No... if she stood him
up, why, it might throw him

right off his game tomorrow.

That's right.

Oh, I wouldn't
want that to happen.

Well, well, well,
if I stood him up,

he... he wouldn't
be himself at all.

You know, he-he'd be nothing
but a-a big brokenhearted slob.

Yeah, a-and it's hard for a
big brokenhearted slob to putt

when he has tears in his eyes.

Yeah, yeah, well,
you keep that date,

and for once in
your life, be on time.

LUCY: Yes, sir.

And you see to it that he enjoys

- himself this evening.
- Yes, yes, sir.

- (frustrated grunt)
- Yes, sir.

(music playing,
indistinct chatter)

(song ends, crowd
cheers and applauds)

- How do I look?
- You look lovely.

- Thank you.
- Lucy,

- there you are.
- Oh, hello.

Well, you two have fun.

- I'll see you later.
- Oh, no, wait a minute, Carol.

Girls, I hope you don't mind if
we make it a foursome tonight.

- Oh.
- Foursome, huh?

Yes, I've asked a friend
of mine to join us for dinner

- if you don't mind.
- Oh, fine. -Yeah.

Hey, partner.

Oh, yes, Mr. Grant.

Let's not be formal
about that Mr. Grant, Ted.

I want you to meet
Lucy and Carol.

We've already met.

- Oh?
- Yes, we're old friends, aren't we, Teddy?

- Oh?
- (chuckling): Yeah.

Well, isn't that nice?

Ted, why don't you
take Carol and sit?

- Oh, okay.
- This is our table right here.

You look lovely, Lucy.

Thank you.

Yes, huh?

Yes.

ANNOUNCER: Showtime, folks.

Oh, showtime... that means us.

I'm afraid we'll have to be
excused for a few moments.

I didn't know you
were an entertainer.

Neither did I.

Oh, well, Lucy
does this as a hobby.

Uh, yes, yes, I
donate all my salary

to the Society for
Underprivileged Secretaries.

ANNOUNCER: And
now we proudly present...

The Vagabonds featuring Carol
Bradford and Lucy Carmichael.

(applause)

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Up that lazy river ♪

♪ By the old mill run ♪

- ♪ That lazy, lazy river ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ In the noonday sun ♪

♪ It lingers in the shade ♪

♪ Of a kind old tree ♪

♪ Throw away your troubles ♪

♪ Dream a dream with me ♪

(Mel screams)

♪ Up that lazy river ♪

- ♪ Where the robin's song ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Meets a bright new morning ♪

♪ We can loaf along ♪

- ♪ Blue skies up above ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Everyone's in love ♪

♪ Oh...! ♪

♪ How happy we can be ♪

♪ Up a lazy river with me... ♪

There are rivers and rivers

But there's one thing about
every river... they're all wet.

Remember, the biggest
river that ever floated a ship

Started out in life
as just a little drip.

A river helps you wash your
clothes and also your dishes.

A river is home to people,
especially little fishes.

The Mississippi River
flows from north to south

And at the end, it stops and
says, "Well, shut my mouth."

Now, this lazy river does
nothing from dusk to dawn.

Why, it's so lazy

The fishes would
rather yawn than spawn.

(applause)

(scatting)

♪ Up that lazy river
where the old mill runs ♪

♪ That lazy, lazy river
in the noonday sun ♪

♪ Lingers in the shade
of a kind old tree ♪

♪ Throw away your troubles,
dream a dream with me ♪

♪ Up the lazy river
where the robin's song ♪

♪ Awakes a bright new
morning, we can loaf along ♪

♪ Blue skies up above,
everyone's in love ♪

♪ Up a lazy river, how
happy you can be ♪

♪ Up a lazy river with me ♪

♪ Muddy, muddy river,
stay away from my door ♪

♪ We don't want you
hangin' 'round here anymore ♪

♪ Lingers in the shade
of a kind old tree ♪

♪ Throw away your troubles,
dream a dream with me ♪

♪ Hey, up a lazy river
where the robin's song ♪

♪ Awakes a bright new
morning, we can loaf along ♪

♪ Blue skies up above ♪

♪ Everyone's in love ♪

♪ Up a lazy river ♪

♪ Ooh, that river ♪

♪ Up a lazy river ♪

♪ With me. ♪

(song ends)