05x09 - Lucy Gets Caught Up in the Draft

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

Go to the beach?
Are you kidding?

(chuckles) Well, it
sounds wonderful,

but I have to work.

Yes, on a Saturday, yes.

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

That's not fair, comparing
Mr. Mooney to Simon Legree.

No, no, I'm not
defending Mr. Mooney,

I'm defending Simon Legree.

No, I can't sneak away,

because Mr. Mooney's
working right here with me.

Yeah, he just went out
to get me a sandwich.

Take him to the beach
with us? Are you kidding?

All he thinks about is work,
work, work, not having any fun.

Of course, it might be very
nice taking him to the beach

and burying him in
the sand head first!

(chuckles) Oh.

I think I hear the old
sl*ve driver coming.

Bye.

You needn't listen at
the door, Mr. Mooney.

Come on in. I'm working.

I was not listening at the door.

Then how come you
heard what I said?

Here's your sandwich.

Thank you.

That will be cents.

Uh, well, maybe I can put
it on my expense account.

Thank you, Mr. Mooney.

Uh, uh, don't-don't
start eating it yet.

There's minutes
before lunchtime.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- Well, now,

I have another letter I
want you to take down.

- It's very important.
- But I haven't even finished these yet.

Well, just forget that,
forget that for the moment.

Now, this is to Jones,
Jones & Becker.

Dear sirs,

In regard to that contract

you referred to
in your letter of...

- Oh...
- What's-what's the matter?

Writer's cramp.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Well, now, if you'd like
to rest, Mrs. Carmichael,

we can take a two-minute break.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I really don't see why we
have to work on a Saturday.

We have to work on Saturday

because of all the
time you wasted

- on Friday.
- What do you mean, wasted?

A secretary's entitled to
a lunch hour, isn't she?

From : a.m. to : p.m.?

Oh, all right. So I
took a long lunch hour.

It was only because I missed
the morning coffee break.

That was because
you got to work so late

the coffee break was over.

Oh, that's not true, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, yes, it is.
You're always late.

No, just because you say it,
doesn't mean that that's true.

Mrs. Carmichael, I don't
want to get angry with you,

because I do appreciate
the fact that you agreed

to let me come over here and
work in your apartment today.

Oh, that's all right. I
just still can't understand

why they don't give
you a key to the bank.

They won't even give
me a key to the washroom.

(doorbell rings)

- Who's that?
- I don't know.

Excuse me.

Oh, Good morning, Joe.

Good morning. Five
cents due on this one.

Oh, okay, okay.

Must be a letter
from my son, Jimmy.

How can you tell?

Well, he writes to me
all the time from school,

but he won't spend any of
his allowance on stamps.

There you are.

- Thanks a lot, Joe.
- Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Yeah, it's from my
son, Jimmy, all right.

MR. MOONEY: Mm-hmm.

(laughs): Yeah.

"Dear Mom,

"Our school has a new rule

"where we have to write at
least one letter home every week.

"This is it.

"Yours truly, your
son, Jimmy Carmichael.

"P.S. If you don't
get this letter,

let me know so I can
write another one."

Ha! Isn't that
adorable, Mr. Mooney?

It's adorable, but
it's not worth a nickel.

Oh...

(Mr. Mooney sighs)

Well, shall we get
back to work now, huh?

Yes, sir, as soon as I
read this other letter.

- My goodness, this looks official.
- Oh?

It's from the United
States Government.

Oh.

Oh, no!

This is unbelievable!

They want you to
pay more income tax?

No, worse than that.

Nothing can be worse than
paying more income tax.

Yes, it can. I've been drafted.

You've been what?!

Drafted.

Oh, that's ridi...
Let me see that.

There must be a mistake.

Oh, well, of course!

Now, this isn't addressed
to Lucy Carmichael,

it's addressed to
Lou C. Carmichael.

Oh, thank goodness!

- Had me worried for a second.
- Yeah.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

- What are you doing?!
- I'm throwing it away.

You can't throw away

a letter from the United
States Government!

Well, for heaven's sake,
it's an obvious mistake.

Well, I realize that, but
you can't just ignore it.

Now, we'll have to go
down to the induction center

and get this straightened
out right away!

Oh, no!

This is ridiculous...
Drafting a woman.

Well, I agree with
you, it's silly, it's silly,

but we can't ignore this.

Now, we have got to go
down and straighten it out.

When they find out
that you're a woman,

- I'm sure it'll all be settled.
- Well, I hope so.

Do you think I'm gonna have
to go through a lot of red tape?

Well, I know something
about m*llitary matters.

I'll go along with you.

Oh, well, thank you
very much, Mr. Mooney.

Now, you come along,

now, right away, hurry up.

Gosh, imagine a thing like that.

- Yeah.
- Imagine putting me in the army.

Don't worry, you'll
never pass the physical.

(knocking)

Come in!

MR. MOONEY: Oh.

- Yes?
- Yes, sir,

I am here about
this induction notice.

You got drafted?

Uh, sir, uh, you
don't understand.

Please, miss, let your
father talk for himself.

I am not her father!

Now, about this
induction notice...

Mister, drafting you is the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard.

If you think that's ridiculous,
wait till you hear this.

What?

I'm the one that's
being drafted.

Let me see that notice.

(sighs) Now, see? It's
addressed to Lou C. Carmichael.

But I'm not Lou C. Carmichael,
I'm Lucy Carmichael.

- Yeah, she's...
- I'm a girl.

Yeah, when you came in
I noticed you were rounder

than most of the guys.

Uh, let me... let me
check my records.

Baddon, Barton,
Browns, Burns, Caplan...

There we are... Carmichael.
Lou C. Carmichael.

Now, then, Lieutenant, I
suggest that you get in touch

with your superior
officers immediately...

Now, just a second, buddy,

don't come in here and
start giving me orders.

That's the trouble
with you civilians...

You think you know everything.

I want you to understand, sir,

that I was an officer
during the last w*r.

Really? On which side?

Wait a minute, sir,
look, this is my boss,

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney,

and he just came down here
to help me straighten this out.

Well, you could've
straightened it out yourself.

It's obviously a mistake.

Oh, well, good, then.

We can go. Thank you very much.

MR. MOONEY: For heaven's sake...

Halt!

About-face!

Now...

there's no doubt
that this is a mistake.

Well, then why can't I leave?

Because my orders call
for a Lou C. Carmichael

to be inducted.

Unless those orders are
changed by someone higher up,

Lou C. Carmichael
is gonna be inducted.

I'm not Lou C, I'm Lucy!

You said yourself
it was a mistake.

I know, but I haven't got
the authority to change it.

This is the army.

We go by rules and regulations,

and unless my orders are
changed, you are in the army.

This is all a terrible mistake!

Oh, what's so terrible about it?

Why not look at the bright side?

What bright side?

Well, you're bound to be
the most popular soldier

in your barracks.

Okay, son, you
passed the physical.

Finish dressing and
report to room .

Yes, sir.

(clears throat)

Next!

Name?

Uh, look, sir, this
thing is a whole, uh...

- Name?!
- I'm trying to tell you,

- this thing is a mistake...
- Name!

Carmichael.

Strip to your
shorts, Carmichael.

I will not!

What some guys won't
do to stay out of the army.

I am not a guy, I'm a girl.

My name is Lucy!

L-U-C-Y.

I got an induction notice

that was supposed to be
for a man named Lou C.

Lou period, C period.

This whole thing
is a silly mistake.

Well, of course it's a mistake.

Oh. Well, good. Then can I go?

Well, I'm afraid I can't let
you go now, because I...

Because you haven't
got the authority.

- That's right.
- And because there are

rules and regulations.

- That's right.
- And you have to follow orders,

and because you have to
take it to someone higher up,

and that may take weeks?

Yeah, well, what am I
supposed to do until then, Doctor?

Till then, you're in the army.

I am not in the army.

I don't want to be in the army.

- All right, now...
- That's not fair!

I don't want to be in the army!

Calm down, calm down.

The army never hurt anybody.

It'll do you a lot of good.

It'll make a man out of you!

What I mean is, we'll
rectify this mistake

just as soon as possible.

I'll get your
complete file here,

we'll wire all the facts to
the Pentagon in Washington,

and that'll straighten
it out in no time.

Let's see, Carmichael...

Carmichael, Carmi...
Ah, here we... here we are.

Carmichael. Lou C. Ca...

Wait a minute.

You are definitely not
supposed to be in the army.

Of course not.

You're in the marines.

I feel naked.

(chuckles) I think they
used a lawn mower on me.

(wailing)

What are you bawling about, Mac?

My hair.

They cut off my hair.

So what? They cut mine, too,

and mine was longer than yours.

(shouting): All right, you guys,

put your hats on and fall in!

Count off!

- One! -Two! -Three! -Four!

- Five! -Six! -Seven!

- (softly): Eight.
- Nine!

Okay, okay,

who's the wise guy
with the phony voice?

It's me, and I'm
not a guy, I'm a girl.

- A girl?
- I told you the Marine Corps

is better than the army.

Okay, knock it off!

What're you doing here?

Well, I'm here
because of a mistake.

It better be a mistake.
What happened?!

Well, I was working with my boss

when, you know, Saturday
morning in my apartment, and...

That's because I
missed my coffee break,

and, well, we had to work.

Anyway, I got this draft notice,

and it was for a
Lou C. Carmichael,

and my name is Lucy
Carmichael, and I'm a girl,

and Lou C. Carmichael is a man.

I guess.

Unless maybe Lou
is short for Louise.

In that case, boy, there's
really been a mistake made,

- because...
- Forget it!

Fall in!

But I-I don't belong here, sir.

Please let me go home.

Look, I can't even
let me go home!

But it's all a big mistake.

I can see that, but I
got to follow regulations!

- (sighs) -Take your case
up with the lieutenant!

He'll take it up
with the captain!

He'll take it up with the major,

he'll take it up
with the general,

and he'll take it up
with the Pentagon!

Yeah, and what happens then?

I don't know, I never
get past the lieutenant.

But, Sergeant, listen...

But until we

hear from the Pentagon,
you're gonna be treated

like every other
guy in this outfit!

A regulation is a regulation!

I got orders to make
marines out of you boots,

and that's what I'm gonna do!

Fall in!

We're gonna start with
the Manual of Arms.

Uh...

- Carmichael!
- (sniffles)

- Why didn't you get a r*fle?
- Because I think it's silly

for me to go through
all this physical training.

(Sergeant grunting
in frustration)

Here!

Oh, now you did
it, now you did it.

- Did what!
- You ruined my manicure.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm putting on my gloves.

I paid two dollars
for that manicure.

Plus a fifty-cent tip.

Yellow gloves
are not regulation!

Well, neither am I regulation.

Okay, okay!

Just get back in line!

There's no need to yell.

Just follow orders
and I won't yell!

Now, men, your r*fle
is your best friend!

You take care of it, it
will take care of you!

And remember, a dirty
r*fle is a no-good r*fle!

So the first thing to
do is to make sure

your r*fle is safe and clean!

So... check your r*fle!

Carmichael...
pick up that r*fle.

I don't want to.

I said, pick up that r*fle!

I will pick up that r*fle
when I get good and ready.

Are you ready?!

Yeah, I'm ready.

Sergeant Pierce, front
and center, please!

Now, listen, the sergeant's
going to go through

the basic moves of
the Manual of Arms

while I call off the orders!

And he's only gonna do it once,

so you better be
sure you watch close,

'cause I expect you
guys to do it perfect.

All right, Sergeant...

present... arms!

Order... arms!

Right shoulder... arms!

Left shoulder... arms!

Order... arms!

Parade... rest!

Now, any questions?

Yes, could I see him
do it one more time?

That was it, Carmichael!
Thank you, Sergeant.

Well, I certainly
didn't get very much

out of that snappy
little drill, did you?

Were you able to get that
that fast, for heaven's sake?

Ten-shun!

Present... arms!

Order... arms!

Right shoulder... arms!

(soldiers grunting)

Hold this.

You keep away from me!

Carmichael, with
you in the service,

we'll run out of Purple
Hearts in a week!

Fall in!

I'm terribly sorry.

All right, now, uh, uh...

let's see, what-what's
the last thing we did?

I hit him in the head, and
then I hit him in the stomach.

I don't mean that!

Where were we in
the Manual of Arms?

- Oh, I don't know.
- Right shoulder arms, sir.

That's right. All right,
right shoulder... arms!

Left shoulder... arms!

Order... arms!

Oh!

Sergeant, you're supposed
to be teaching these men

the Manual of Arms,
not square dancing!

SERGEANT: Hut, two, three, four,

hut, two, three, four,

hut, hut, hut...

Detail... halt!

Hut, two!

Right... face!

Carmichael, you're
supposed to be at attention!

I am at attention...
My field pack's at ease.

Ground your packs!

Come on, come on.

On your feet, Carmichael.

It was only a -mile hike.

(mocking): "It was
only a -mile hike."

Come on, come on.

Now, men, this is
the obstacle course.

Yeah, I can see that.

And, Sergeant,
I'm gonna tell you,

this is ridiculous, making me
go through this obstacle course.

I am not gonna be...

Until we hear from the Pentagon,

you're just another marine,

and you're gonna do everything
that every other marine does.

Now, listen...

Well, I'm not gonna
wear this helmet.

It's too noisy.

Noisy?

Yeah, it bangs
against my earrings.

The helmet stays on!

The earrings come off!

The earrings come off!

Okay, if you don't care

how anybody looks
in this chicken outfit!

Pick up that helmet!

Pick it up!

Now, men, first thing
we're going to do

on the obstacle
course is the tire routine.

You line up here
in a single file

and go through the tires.

Come on, now, on the double!

- LUCY: On the double.
- All right, let's go, let's go!

- On the double, on the double...
- Look alive, Carmichael!

Come on, let's go!

- On the double, on the double...
- That's it, come on!

Snap it up, snap it up, snap
it up, snap it up! Come on!

Hit the holes, Carmichael!

LUCY: Oh, oh, oh...

Don't drag it!

Get rid of it!

All right...

Carmichael, if we could
use you as a secret w*apon,

we could rule the world!

All right, men, now the ladder.

Everybody jump up, grab a
rung, and go over, hand over hand!

Come on, snap it up!

Get alive, get alive,
come on, come on!

Come on, look alive!

Help!

Help! Help!

Well, don't look at me!

Turn around!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!

Turn around, all of you!

Turn around!

You men line up over
by the landing net!

Carmichael... when
you pull yourself together,

would you be so kind

as to join us over
at the landing net?

(mocking): Yes, I'll be
so kind as to join you.

Now, men,

we have one thing left
in the obstacle course,

and that is the landing net.

Half of you go around that way,

and half of you
go around this way.

Come on, look alive, look alive!

Up you go, over you
go and down the front.

Oh, are you kidding?!

Carmichael, here you go! Go!

Come on!

LUCY (mocking): Up you go,
over you go and down the front.

Up you go and over you
go and down the front.

Big deal!

SERGEANT: Come
on, hurry it up, hurry it up!

(Sergeant groans)

Now, grab the rope.

Grab the rope up
above. That's it.

Now pull your legs
out. Pull your legs out!

Sergeant!

Marines... do not
fight piggyback.

MR. MOONEY: Mrs. Carmichael?
Mrs. Carmichael, where are you?

- LUCY: I'm up here.
- Good heavens!

What are you doing up
there? Come down at once.

Well...

Put her down, sir!

- The idea! Come on!
- Yeah, put me down.

There you... That's right.

Mrs. Carmichael, I have
wonderful news for you.

What?

Here's your discharge
from the Marine Corps.

- (relieved sigh) -Yes, and
it's effective immediately.

Starting first thing
tomorrow morning

you come back to work for me.

SERGEANT: Mr. Mooney.

- I want you to have this.
- What's that?

My medal for bravery.

You deserve it more than I do.

LUCY: Oh...

Hey, this is great,

but it doesn't mention
my being a woman.

I know... They
didn't care about that.

I got you out because
of your dependents...

Your two children.

Oh...

- Oh, boy, I've made m*llitary history.
- Oh?

Yeah, I think I'm
the first marine

ever to get out of the service
because he was a mother.

Well, good-bye, Sarge!

Well, I can't say I'm
sorry to see you go,

but at least there's
one consolation!

What's that?

After trying to train you,

I can't possibly ever get

a bigger knucklehead
in my outfit!

Sergeant?

They sent me over here as
Carmichael's replacement.

What'd you say?

They sent me over here as
Carmichael's replacement.

Good luck, buddy.