05x10 - Lucy and John Wayne

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

It's : .

Where have you been?

Oh, everywhere.

This certainly has
been a busy morning.

Don't give me that.

Now is the moment
you came to work!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Where are you going?!

Mrs. Carmichael!

If you are ready, I would like
you to take some dictation.

- Yes, sir, I'm ready.
- I have to get a note out

with these contracts that
have to get out this morning.

Yes, sir.

Now, then, this note
goes to Mr. John Wayne.

John Wayne... daah...

(chuckling): Oh...

- Uh, M-Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yes, yes?

Mr. Wayne is a client and when
I dictate correspondence to him,

I wish you would refrain
from going "Daah..."

Well, I can't help it.

He-He's my all-time favorite.

Nevertheless, I wish
you wouldn't fall apart

every time I mention his name.

I just wish he was here
to pick up the pieces.

I am not interested in whom
you would like to be picked up by.

- Mr. Mooney.
- Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

let's get busy, please.

Will you sit down?! You can't
take dictation standing up,

- for heaven's sake.
- Yes, sir, yes, sir.

All right, now,
then, are you ready?

- Yes, sir.
- All right.

Dear Mr. Wayne...

"Dear Mr. Wayne..."

Enclosed herewith is the
movie script you sent us

along with the final contracts

regarding our financing
of your current production...

The one about The w*r Wagon.

The w*r Wagon?

- Yes.
- What's a w*r wagon?

Well, it's a large armored
wagon, and in this picture

it's transporting gold across
dangerous hostile territory.

Oh... are there Indians in it?

- Yes.
- Who else is in the picture with him?

I-I don't know, let's get on
with the dictation, please.

- I haven't finished the note.
- He always gets the girl,

- doesn't he? That's good.
- Uh, yes.

The girl's usually Maureen
O'Hara, you notice?

(stammering)

I'd like to be in it.

- Just, just take that.
- Yes, I have it.

Uh, now let me see, where wa...?

Oh, yes. We are very pleased
to participate in a venture

that has already made
your company so prosperous.

Hmm.

Prosperous?

Yes, prosperous.

Couldn't we just say "rich"?

Mrs. Carmichael, if you don't
know how to spell "prosperous,"

you can look it up
in the dictionary.

Well, you have to
know how to spell it

before you can look it up.

Besides, I think
Mr. Wayne would say "rich."

I don't think he'd
say "prosperous."

Oh?

Well, now, maybe
Mr. Wayne would say "rich."

All right, put down "rich"

and sign it "yours
truly," etcetera, etcetera.

Yes, sir.

- Mr. Mooney.
- Hmm?

I-In-Instead of signing
the letter "yours truly,"

I think Mr. Wayne
would like it better

if you said something like

"Until our trails cross again,

"may your grazing
be the greenest

"and your water
hole never run dry.

"I remain yours
till the feathers

of the red man turn gray."

And sign it "your bronco-bustin'
buckaroo Tex Mooney."

And how would I send
it... Pony Express?

Well, I just thought...

Never mind, Mrs. Carmichael,
just sign it "yours truly"

and sign Theodore J. Mooney.

- All right.
- Oh, here.

These are the contracts
that go with the note.

I want you to take them
to the studio immediately.

Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir,

I'll see that Mr. Wayne
gets them personally.

Oh, no, you don't.

Just take them to the entrance

and leave them
with the receptionist.

But, Mr. Mooney, it
wouldn't be any trouble at all.

Uh, my girlfriend Mary
Jane works at that studio,

and I could have
lunch with her and...

No, Mrs. Carmichael, just
leave them with the receptionist

and don't bother Mr. Wayne!

All right.

- Hi, Mary Jane.
- Hi.

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, Mary Jane, I just
saw some Indians.

- (both laughing)
- Yeah.

Oh, gee, look at all
these wonderful costumes.

Oh, it must be fun
working in a studio

with all kinds of glamorous
stars around all the time.

Yeah, it is fun.

- Hi, Bill.
- Hi, Ed.

- Hi, Mary Jane.
- Oh, hi, Ed.

Ed, I'd like you to
meet a friend of mine...

Lucy Carmichael.

- Hi, Lucy. -How do you do?
- This is Ed Nelson.

- Doesn't that hurt?
- Not me.

But it sure bothers my
wife when we're dancing.

(Lucy and Mary Jane laughing)

LUCY: That's funny.

Oh, that's funny.

Hi, Mary Jane.

- Oh, hi.
- (Lucy gasps)

Oh, that was Burt
Lancaster, wasn't it?

Oh, no, Lucy, that's
Mr. Simon... He's a director.

Oh, sure looked
like Burt Lancaster.

- Hi, Mary Jane.
- Hi.

Oh, I recognized him.

That's Richard Chamberlain.

No, Lucy, that's
the studio doctor.

Oh, really?

(indistinct chatter)

Who was that... the janitor?

That was Milton Berle.

Milton Berle?!

Oh, for heaven's sake,

wait till I tell the girls I
nearly saw Milton Berle.

Was it really Milton Berle?

Yes, it was, but listen, honey.

- Oh.
- Listen, Lucy, we have to order.

You're going to be late getting
back to work, now, come on.

Oh, I don't care if I am
late getting back to work.

I'm still so mad at
Mr. Mooney for insisting

that I leave those contracts
with the receptionist.

You'd think a man
would understand

how much a woman would like
to meet John Wayne personally.

Yes, you certainly would.

Do you know John Wayne?

Not personally.

Well, then I think
I'll introduce you.

Do you know him?

No, but I will when I
give him these contracts.

Lucy, I thought you gave
those to the receptionist.

Not on your life.

Did you think I was going
to give up a chance like this?

I'm going to give these
to Mr. Wayne personally.

Now, do you think he'll
be in here for lunch?

Well, he usually is,

but sometimes he has
lunch in his dressing room.

- Oh, really? -Hi, Mary Jane.
- Oh, hi, Joyce.

- Hey, Joyce.
- Yeah?

Do you know where Mr. Wayne is?

No, I don't. Anything I can do?

Well, my friend's
looking for him.

- Oh?
- Yes, I work in a bank

and I have some very important
contracts for, uh, Mr. Wayne.

- Oh, yes, we've been expecting those.
- Uh-huh.

Thank you so much.

Who was that?

- The receptionist.
- The receptionist?

- Oh, no.
- Lucy.

Hi, honey.

Hello.

I thought you didn't know him.

I don't.

Well, he said hello to you.

He says hello to everybody.

He called you honey.

He doesn't know my name.

Gee, that's even better
than a name. (chuckles)

Oh, if he ever called
me honey, wow.

- He's very friendly.
- Is he?

- Oh, he's so nice.
- Mary Jane.

- Yeah.
- You're wanted on the phone.

Oh, okay, I'll be back.

Here's your usual, Mr. Wayne.

Thank you.

Oh, bring me some ketchup.

Right.

- There you are, sir.
- Thank you.

Anything else I
can get for you, sir?

No, I'm fine.

Howdy.

Hi.

I'm Lucy Carmichael.

Oh, well, uh, uh,

I'm John Wayne.

(laughs nervously)

Oh, oh, I know you are.

(laughing nervously)

Oh, it's nice meeting
you, Mr. Wayne.

I, uh, I work at the bank

and I brought some contracts
over here for you today.

- Well, thank you.
- I-I thought

about bringing them
to you in person,

but I realize that
you're a very busy man,

and I didn't want to bother you.

Oh, I'm never that busy.

Yeah, well, whether
you're busy or not,

I-I just thought there's no
reason for people to bother you

and that's why I
left the contracts

outside with the receptionist...
So I wouldn't bother you.

Well, that's very considerate.

It must be very bothersome,

people bothering
you all the time,

like when they ask you for
your autograph and everything.

Well, I never
considered that a bother.

Oh. Can I have your autograph?

Well, of course.

Thank you.

Uh, did you bring
a piece of paper?

No.

Oh.

Oh, I-I didn't want to
bother you, but I... oh,

could you, could you maybe
put it on the back of this?

Well, this is a page
out of my script.

Oh, I would love to have
a page out of your script.

- Well, it's...
- I would love that.

(clears throat)

Would you care for something?

Oh...

Well, would you like something?

Well, I, uh, just a cup
of coffee if it's no bother.

All right.

Uh, now, then, just say "To
my dear friend Lucy Carmichael."

To my dear friend Lucy...

Carmichael, C-A-R-M-I-C-H-A-E-L.

I always spell it for people

because sometimes
they spell it "E-A-L,"

- and we have the Scotch
clan spelling "A-E-L."

-Oh.

My maiden name used
to be McGillicuddy...

That's how Scotch I am.

- (chuckling): Oh.
- Uh,

let's see, "who I enjoyed
having lunch with in person."

I mean, you in person, not me.

Oh.

"Who I enjoyed having lunch with

in person together today alone."

"Together dash
today dash alone."

- Together today alone.
- Today alone.

Yes, now if you'll just put the
date down there in the corner.

- The date?
- Yeah, when I get back to the bank,

I'm going to have it notarized.

(laughs)

Notarized?

Yeah, well, they'll never
believe this back home.

(chuckles) Thank you so much.

Oh, I'll cherish this.

Thank you.

(clears throat)

You know, Mr. Wayne,

I watch all of your old
pictures on television.

- Do you?
- And even though I know you started out

quite a long time ago, you still
look so handsome and so young.

(chuckling): Well, thank you.

I'd like to have that notarized.

(chuckles) Well, it's true.

Most actors don't look
anything like they do

in their old pictures
on television.

- You know what I think ages them?
- What?

Staying up all night watching
their old movies on television.

(laughing)

Oh, you're funny.

You know, I think I've seen
every picture you ever made.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm, some of them eight or ten times.

Well, thank you,
that's very nice.

Oh, you know, you were such
a sensational army general

in a picture called Cast a
Giant Shadow, an army general.

And what a dashing naval
officer you were in In Harm's Way.

Remember that?

- Yes.
- Yeah, did you enjoy making that?

Very much.

Did John Ford direct it?

No, he didn't direct it.

He directs most of your
pictures, doesn't he?

- Yes, he does.
- Yes, and most

of the time you have Maureen
O'Hara in your pictures,

- don't you?
- That's right, yes.

She has beautiful red hair.

Yes.

You know something?

You were the greatest marine

of all time in the
Sands of Iwo Jima.

- Just the greatest!
- Well, thank you.

Gee, you've been in every
branch of the service... no wonder

- we won the w*r. (laughs)
- Well, thank you very...

I never thought of it that way.

(laughs) Yeah, you've
been in the service so long,

I think Bob Hope should play
a Christmas show just for you.

- (quiet groan)
- (Lucy laughing)

(John chuckling)

You're having a
little trouble with that.

Here, let me help.

I'm terribly sorry!

Here, let me help you.

- No, don't help, please.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael, I think

that I'd better get back
to the dressing room

and study my lines.

Oh, I'm terribly
sorry, Mr. Wayne.

Oh, uh, here, you haven't
even touched your sandwich.

- Well, I'll take it with me.
- Oh, okay.

Oh, and, Mr. Wayne, here.

You might want
that where it belongs.

Thank you. Thank you.

♪♪

- Now, Lucy, they don't
usually allow visitors -Yeah?

On the set, honey, but I'll
talk to the assistant director.

Oh, Bryan?

- Oh, hello, Mary Jane.
- Hi. Listen, Bryan,

this is my friend,
Lucy Carmichael.

- How do you do?
- And she wants

to see John Wayne sh**t.

Well, we don't usually
allow visitors on the set.

Well, I told her that.

Uh, I'm a personal
friend of Mr. Wayne's.

As a matter of fact, I
just had lunch with him.

Oh, well, in that case, I
guess it will be all right.

- Oh, good.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- And I'll see you later.
- Okay. Bye.

Have fun.

- Bye-bye.
- Okay, places, everyone.

Getting ready to roll, huh?

- John, you ready?
- JOHN: I was born ready!

- Hey, lady?
- Huh?

Uh, lady, would you
mind stepping over a bit?

What do you mean?

You're right in
front of my camera.

Oh. Oh, is that the ca...

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Excuse me.

All right, now. All
right, let's get ready.

Roll it!

BRYAN: w*r Wagon,
company scene , take one!

(loud clack)

Action!

(accordion playing jaunty tune)

(people whooping)

(accordion stops playing)

Taw, we'd better
get out of here.

This place is loaded
with Pierce's men.

The way I look at it, this place
is loaded with two of our men.

But, Taw, there's ten
of Pierce's men here

and there's only two of us.

Couldn't we pick a time
when the odds are more even?

Okay, let's wait around

until six or more
Pierce's men come in.

Ha-ha! You tell
'em! That's right!

Cut!

Who's that?

Someone the bank sent
over not to bother me.

Is she a friend of yours?

Seems that way.

I want absolute
quiet on the set!

- Quiet! -Absolute quiet!
- Yes, sir.

Aah...!

Oh, my, that is a hot light!

(clattering,
discordant notes play)

(groaning): Oh-ho,
oh-ho-ho-ho...

Oh, my. You have a lot

of those hot lights
around here like that?

Yes, yes, lady.

Yes, you see, we have
them all over the set.

If you look right around,
we have them all...

I see.

You have to be careful
where you stand, madam.

- Yes, I will. Thank you.
- Now, look, and I must

ask you, please, don't
react that way off camera.

- Ooh, I got something to tell you.
- We have to have...

That's the way they're
gonna react to Mr. Wayne

all over the country, in every
theater that-that he plays in.

- Yes, I hope so, but...
- You better just get used to it.

When they hear a line like that,
they say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

- So...
- Yes, but that's in the theater, ma'am.

- Here on the set, we can't have that.
- Oh, well.

You see, all these actors
have to be able to concentrate

- when Mr. Wayne comes in.
- Oh, well, let 'em get used to it,

because if they're
in a Wayne picture,

they're in the best, and that's
the way the theaters react.

Yes, you're right, you're
right, and that's what we want,

- but you'll help us a great
deal if you'll just -Okay, okay.

- Take it easy, right?
- Fine, fine. I'll take it easy.

- Just don't get too upset. Aah!
- But I react the way I feel.

Watch out for those hot lights.

John, Burt Lancaster's
sh**ting on the next stage.

Couldn't you send
her over there?

Why? Burt's never
done anything to me.

Well, all right, if you
want to let her stay around.

All right, places everybody!

We'll pick it up from
Mr. Wayne's last line.

Roll 'em!

- Scene , take one!
- (loud clack)

DIRECTOR: Action!

Okay, let's wait around

until six more of
Pierce's men show up.

Howdy, Pierce.

Howdy, Taw.

It's been a long time.

Yeah...

been a long time.

You mouth off like that again,

and you'll be a dead man.

Cut! Cut, cut.

I didn't do anything.
I didn't move.

John, I think you
skipped some dialogue.

Oh, wait a minute,
let's take a look. Ugh...

- What's that, blood?
- No, ketchup!

Well, no wonder I missed
it... There's a page missing.

- DIRECTOR: Oh, a page missing?
- Oh, oh, maybe that's my fault.

Perhaps this is the page that
you gave me out of your script.

- Is that the one?
- That's the one.

Well, let's see, now,
you're supposed to say,

"Hear you and your
boys been lookin' for..."

You said that, didn't
you? And he says,

"That's right, Taw,"
and you say, "Well,

now you can stop
lookin' and start talkin'."

And he says, "Reckon
I ain't fixin' to be...

to be seen talkin'
to no jailbird."

And then you say, "You
mouth off like that again,

- you'll be a dead man."
- Oh, I got it.

- I'll remember it now.
- Listen, Mr. Wayne,

I, uh, I think it would
be better if you said,

"You mouth off like that again

and you'll be
pushin' up daisies."

- "Pushin' up daisies."
- Yeah.

Now, please, miss, we've got...

Wait a minute, Joe.

I like "pushin' up
daisies" better.

All right, "pushin' up daisies."

Much better. That's much better.

- You want to rehearse it once?
- Yeah, let's rehearse it.

No, let's roll it; I
know the dialogue.

Okay, roll it.
Go ahead, roll it.

He knows it. Go on, roll it.

Hey, John, you sure you
don't want to clear the set?

I'd hate to blow this scene.

Well, I'd rather blow a
scene than lose a fan.

LUCY: Ha-ha!

That's why he's been
up there on top so long!

Thank you, ma'am.

That's right. That's
what I mean about him.

That's the kind of
a man he is. Yeah.

I mean, all of his fans
know that about Mr. Wayne.

Yes, all right, now,
places, everyone!

- We know that about him.
- Oh, y-yes, yes.

Everybody knows
that about Mr. Wayne.

Yes, mm-hmm, mm.
All right, places, roll 'em!

Scene , take one!

(loud clack)

- Take three. Take three.
- Action! Action!

Hear you and the boys have
been lookin' for me, Pierce.

That's right, Taw.

Well, now you can stop
lookin' and start talkin'.

Well, I reckon I
ain't fixin' to be seen

talkin' to no jailbird.

(quietly): You mouth
off like that again

- and you'll be pushin' up daisies.
- What?

Hey, miss, what are you doing?!

He forgot his line.

DIRECTOR: Aw, cut! Cut!

He forgot his line.

I don't blame
you for forgetting.

It's new, it's brand-new.

I just gave it to
you. Then you say,

"You mouth off like that
again, you'll be a dead man."

That's what it was.
You're supposed to say,

"you'll be pushin' up daisies."

I was just taking a
long pause for effect.

Oh, I thought
he forgot his line!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Okay, roll 'em. Go ahead.

DIRECTOR: All right, roll 'em!

BRYAN: Scene , take one!

Take four.

Action!

You mouth off like that again

and you'll be
pushin' up daisies.

If you're lookin'
for trouble, Taw...

I got plenty of boys
that can give it to ya.

Well, I'll let you
make the first move,

but you better remember,
it may be your last.

Aw, now, Taw, me and the boys

didn't mean nothin' personal.

- Take him, boys!
- (grunting)

LUCY: Look out! Look out!

DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! Cut!

What are you trying to do, lady?

I saw her give him a Kn*fe!
I saw her give him a Kn*fe!

He took a Kn*fe to Mr. Wayne!

Well, I know that!
We're just trying to...

Look at her standing there
with that silly smirk on her face!

Lady, we're trying
to sh**t a picture!

Well, you go ahead
and sh**t a picture,

but you make sure
that he doesn't get hurt!

Good heavens, I've
never seen such brutality!

- They were rough!
- Lady,

nobody here is going to hurt me.

These are all my friends.

Why, actually, this fellow and I
started together years ago.

Yeah. Way over .

Never mind.

I told you how good
of friends we are.

- Now, just try and control yourself.
- Hey, makeup.

They certainly didn't
look very friendly to me.

You know, I've seen,
as I told you, Mr. Wayne,

I've seen practically every
picture you ever made.

Here, let me take that.

And I tell you, I
noticed in every picture

that they sort of
g*ng up on you.

You're always outnumbered.

You always have
a tough time of it,

and I don't think it's right.

I just don't think it's fair.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

We all thank you,
lady, but we're trying

to sh**t a fight scene,
not a beauty contest.

Well, then, you just
be very careful of him.

Remember, he's a star.

Yeah, fellas, be
real careful of me.

Remember, I'm a star.

All right, star, let's
get back to work.

Now, look, John, this time

I want you to take one
of these blood capsules,

put it in your mouth, bite
down on it during the fight

- so we get a good sh*t of the blood, huh?
- Okay.

I just had no idea that
they were so rough.

He could really get hurt.

I've seen Mr. Wayne
get hurt plenty of times.

- You have?
- Sure. Sometimes those stuntmen

are so anxious to
make things look good,

- that they get carried away.
- I'll say they do, and I think

this is one of the times
they got carried away...

All right, folks, a
very important scene,

I want it to go well,
so quiet on the set!

- BRYAN: Quiet!
- LUCY: Quiet!

Let's have it quiet.

All right, we'll
overlap the action

where Chuck gets the
Kn*fe from Helen, right?

You ready? Make it good, g*ng.

Roll 'em!

Scene , take one!

DIRECTOR: Action!

LUCY: Oh! Oh!

He's bleeding!

They really hurt him!
They really hurt him!

They really hurt him!

CHUCK: Aah...!

He's bleeding!

It'll be all right, I'm sure...

Aah!

Mr. Wayne...

Mr. Wayne?

DIRECTOR: All right,

all right, lady, that's all!

Now you're gonna have to leave!

Why should I leave?

I'm Mr. Wayne's best fan.

I didn't mean to hurt him.

I didn't mean to
do him any harm.

Say something, Mr. Wayne.

Good-bye, honey!

Oh... he called me honey!

He called me honey!