05x12 - Lucy and the Monkey

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Yes, yes, Mr. Cheever.

Yes, sir.

Oh, the tickets are selling for
the benefit like hotcakes, sir.

Yes, sir, don't you
worry about a thing, sir.

Oh, I'll get those
reports to you

as soon as I finish them, sir.

Yes, sir. Good-bye, sir.

(humming happily)

Aren't those
reports finished yet?

Oh, which ones, sir?

You gave me so many.

The Gordon report.

Oh, no, sir. They're not ready.

Well, I thought you were taking
them home with you last night.

Well, I did take them
home last night, Mr. Mooney,

but I didn't work on them.

Well, I hope they
enjoyed the visit.

Mr. Mooney, the reason I
didn't work on them last night

is because I was on
the phone for hours

trying to sell the tickets
for the bank benefit.

When I finally got to bed,
I... I-I talked in my sleep.

A likely story.

How do you know you
talked in your sleep?

'Cause when I woke
up this morning,

I found out I had
sold myself ten tickets.

You can't afford ten tickets!

I know. I know.

Well, you sell them to
somebody who can pay for them.

- Yes, sir. I will, sir.
- And meanwhile,

you cannot neglect
your regular duties.

No, I don't mean to, sir...

No, no, I never
neglect anything.

What do I do when
I have extra work?

You give it to me.

- I do not.
- Oh, no.

Now, I want to see all
of the weekly statements,

and Mr. Cheever is waiting
for the Gordon report.

Yes, sir.

Oh! Did you type up those
letters I dictated this morning?

Oh, no, sir; not yet, sir.

What do you do with your time?

- (door slams)
- Honestly.

Hi, Lucy.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, you frightened me.

What are you doing
here, Mary Jane?

We had a lunch date, remember?

Oh, I forgot.

You forgot?

Yeah, well, I'm not
sure I can go to lunch,

I got so much work, honey.

Maybe I can go for minutes.

Lucy, you know, I tried to call
you last night, several times.

Your line was always busy.

Yeah, I was on the
phone until after midnight,

trying to sell tickets
for the bank benefit.

Oh, would you like
to buy some tickets?

I already did.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

Lucy, you're
getting very forgetful.

And with all this
work you've got to do,

you have to sit up half
the night selling tickets?

Well, Mr. Mooney
asked me to, you know.

And it's for a
very worthy cause.

You're pushing
yourself too hard.

You're going to have
a nervous breakdown.

Oh, Mary Jane, a
nervous breakdown.

That's a lot of poppycock.

That's just what my cousin
said when I warned her.

When you warned
what cousin about what?

My cousin Barbara.

I warned her she
was working herself

into a state of
nervous exhaustion.

"Poppycock," she said.

Next thing we knew, she
started having hallucinations.

What kind of hallucinations?

The kind you have when you
have a nervous breakdown.

Mary Jane, I never felt
more calm, cool and collected

in my whole life.

- Now will you s...?
- (buzzer blaring)

- Oh, yes!
- MR. MOONEY: Mrs. Carmichael!

Yes, Mr. Mooney?

Can I have those weekly
statements please?

- Yes, sir.
- (phone ringing)

Mr. Mooney's office.

Oh, just a moment please.

It's for you, Mr. Mooney.

A Mr. Robert Bailey.

Oh, Bob Bailey!

Yes, he's that friend of mine

who's going to entertain
at the bank benefit.

Hello, Bob. (laughs)

Now, look, look, Bob,
I'm glad you called.

I want to invite you
to stay at my place

while you're here, yeah.

Yeah, we can reminisce
about our college days.

♪ Boola boola, boola boo... ♪

Wha... What?

Max? Who's Max?

Oh, you have a
partner in your act now.

Well, there's plenty
of room at the house

for you and your partner.

Yes, my wife's out of town.

She's attending the annual
reunion of her commando troop.

You know the old saying,

"When the cat's away,
the mice will play."

Yeah. Why don't you
meet me here at the office,

then we'll go from here
right to the house, eh?

Right. Fine.

I'll see you soon.

Bye.

Here are those
statements, Mr. Mooney.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, I, uh, still have a
little work to do on them.

You haven't finished them yet?

- Not quite.
- Not quite?

Well, let me put
it this way, sir.

I haven't even started them yet.

Well, you better start on them

before you start
out the front door

- for the last time.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Now I want these finished

so I can take them
home over the weekend!

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Mooney,
I'll have them finished.

I'll work on them overtime...
At no expense to the bank.

And I'll bring them
over to your home.

- Well, you see that you do.
- Yes, I will.

Oh, honestly.

He always tries to make
a monkey out of me.

Lucy, he'd drive anybody crazy.

Come on, honey. I'm starved.

Now, wait a minute. I gotta
think of some things here.

I gotta take these home.

I've got to finish
these this afternoon.

I gotta do the typing.

Okay, maybe I better
take those with me.

Maybe I can do some
while I'm having lunch,

and I think I'll
take the tickets.

Maybe I can sell some tickets.

(phone ringing)

Mr. Mooney's office.

Oh, I'm sorry. He's not in.

Oh, by the way, would
you like to buy some tickets

for the bank benefit?

It's for a very worthy cause.

You would?

Oh, thank you.

I just sold two more tickets.

Who to?

I forgot to ask.

Lucy, I'm very
worried about you.

Let's go have something to eat.

Let's hear a cheer!
Bob Bailey's here!

♪ I'm back again, back again ♪

♪ Here the weather's changin' ♪

♪ Mooney, baby, I'm here! ♪

Mooney, baby!

Mooney, baby?

Ho! Mooney?

Ah, you, Moo...

I guess he's not here, Max.

Come on in.

(Max chatters, hoots)

Will you get a load
of this layout, partner?

Is this something?

Oh, boy, he's
really done all right

since the old school
days, old Mooney.

I tell you what, Max,
you sit here, wait for me.

I'll see if I can
find him, okay?

Make yourself comfortable.

(chattering)

Oh, boy, that was a good lunch.

Yeah, yeah, I sold
some more tickets.

Too bad you didn't eat anything.

Well, I was too busy.

Gee, I'm kind of worried.

I thought I had
of these statements.

I only can find .

Maybe you forgot and left
them on Mr. Mooney's desk.

Mary Jane, for the last
time, I am not forgetful

and I am not about to
have a nervous breakdown

and I'm not about to
have hallucinations.

So, relax, Doctor.

Maybe I did leave
them on his desk.

Come on, Max, you
better stay with me.

That a good boy.

Lucy, are you all right?

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

Lucy, what's the matter?

Mr. Mooney?

Yeah, what's the matter?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

I just need a little
drink of water, I think.

There you are, Mooney, baby.

Bob! Good to see you, boy!

- ♪ Boola, b... ♪
- Boola...

I can never remember
that second word.

- Have I got a surprise for you.
- Yeah?

I want you to meet
my new partner Max.

Wonderful, good.
Love to meet him.

Max, come on and meet
my old friend Mooney.

- (chattering)
- (Mr. Mooney shouts)

M-M-M-M-Max?

That's Max... the
greatest partner I ever had.

Yeah, but-but he's a monkey.

Well, that's why
he's a great partner.

Works for peanuts.

Relax, Mooney, he's gentle
as a lamb and smart as a whip.

Why, he's almost human.

There you are, you see...
You gotta be almost human

to be a vice president
of a bank, don't you?

Look, Bob, I've told
Mr. Cheever all about you.

And he's very
anxious to meet you.

So let's go into
his office, shall we?

Okay. Cool it, Max.

I'll be right back and
take you to lunch.

(hooting loudly)

No, no, we can't go
to the Brown Derby.

You're not wearing a tie.

You all right, honey?

Yeah, yeah, I feel a lot better.

You know, Lucy,
I've been thinking.

I know you don't believe this,

but you really are
working too hard.

Now, just to be
on the safe side,

why don't you call my
cousin's psychiatrist?

A psychiatrist?

Mary Jane, that's ridiculous.

Now, I'm perfectly all right
and I don't need a psychiatrist.

Honestly. Gee!

(screeching)

- Mary Jane...
- Yes?

How do you spell psychiatrist?

With a "P" or an "S"?

Huh?

How do you se...? How do you...?

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, just relax

and tell me your problem
in your own words.

Well, uh, it's, uh, it's
not my problem, Doctor,

it's my friend's problem.

I see. Go on.

Well, my friend is
secretary to a banker,

a Mister... a Mr. Mooney,

and, uh, today...

she, uh, had an hallucination.

How did she know it
was an hallucination?

Well, because every time
my friend looked at her boss,

she saw a monkey
instead of Mr. Mooney.

Would-Would you call
that an hallucination?

Yes. Yes, I would.

I was afraid you would.

Mrs. Carmichael,

tell me about this banker

who looks like a
monkey to your friend.

Mr. Mooney?

Oh, he's enough to
drive anybody crazy.

Not that my friend is
crazy, you understand,

but she has been
very overworked.

I assume she finds her
boss a slight problem?

Slight?!

Spends his whole
day raving and ranting

and trying to make
a monkey out of me.

Her.

Her! Her!

Yeah, I mean her.

Of course.

That's what causes
her hallucinations.

What?

Her subconscious is making
a monkey out of Mr. Mooney,

before Mr. Mooney can
make a monkey out of her.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Her hallucination
is based on fear!

On fear?

And the only way to
fight fear is to face it!

You mean face Mr. Mooney?

No. Face this hallucination
and look right through it.

Once your friend realizes

this man cannot make
a monkey out of her,

he'll stop looking
like a monkey to her.

And the hallucination ends.

- It's as simple as that.
- Oh...

"Face your fear
and it will disappear."

The words of my
favorite psychiatrist.

Freud?

No, me.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, if your
"friend" will follow my advice,

I'm sure that her
hallucinations will disappear.

Oh, Doctor, I'm
so grateful to you.

- Thank you so much.
- Not at all.

I can't tell you how
much I appreciate this.

- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.

Doctor...

Yes?

There's something
I feel I must tell you.

What is it?

Well, I'm afraid this might
come as a bit of a shock to you.

Well?

I'm the one who sees
Mr. Mooney as a monkey.

You're kidding!

I knew you'd be stunned.

I just can't get over it.

You mean, you taught this
animal to mix your martinis?

Oh, sure, he makes
them for me all the time.

Well, that's wonderful.

Not really... he usually
puts in too much vermouth.

(laughs)

There you are.

BOB: No, no, no.

- (Max hoots)
- No, Max...

- No, Max, none for you. No.
- (hooting loudly)

You always say that...
"Just one teensy little drink,"

then you have so much you
make a monkey out of yourself.

Now, put that down
and behave yourself.

- (Max hoots)
- That's it.

Now, sit down next
to Uncle Mooney.

(Max grunting)

Mooney, baby, I
want to thank you

for one of the
greatest days of my life.

This has been so relaxing.
It's been a long time.

Max and I have been
on the road for a year.

Well, I tell you.

It's a joy having you
here, Bob, you know that.

I just... I just can't
get over this animal.

That is the smartest
creature I've ever seen.

BOB: He certainly is, and
he's always trying to learn more.

- Oh...
- He, he just devours books.

Oh, now come on... now,
don't tell me he reads books.

No, he eats 'em.

(laughs)

That's a joke from our act.

Oh...

- (Max hoots)
- Good. Good.

And I don't mind telling you,

our act is getting
pretty well known.

We're billed as Bailey and Max.

- Bailey and Max...
- Shh! Not so loud.

He thinks he's
getting top billing.

- (Max hooting)
- Way to go, sweetheart.

Easy... no tricks.
No tricks, Max.

There you go. There you go.

(Mr. Mooney stammers nervously)

Whoa, hey, uh... yeah...

Come on, now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Look, look... will you tell
your simian Socrates here

to stop swinging on my banister?

I-I'm sorry, Mooney.

He always climbs things
when he gets hungry.

Oh, he's... Does he eat
anything besides books?

(chuckles)

He'll take a banana
now and then.

Bananas? Well, I think
there's some in the kitchen.

That's the place that I'd look.

Come on, I'll show
you where they are.

You cool it... you cool it, Max,

and I'll be right back
with your din-din.

(Max chatters, hoots)

How do I know if
he's got any coconuts?

Mr. Mooney, it's
me, Mrs. Carmichael!

Steady, Lucy, steady.

Face your fear
and it'll disappear.

Hi, Mr. Mooney.

Hi.

Uh, I brought the
statements, Mr. Mooney,

and I... I worked very
hard to get them all finished.

I, uh...

Oh, Mr. Mooney, before
you read the statement,

there's something
I'd like to say.

I... uh... and I...

I-I'd appreciate it if,

if you wouldn't say
anything until I'm finished.

Mr. Mooney, I just wanted
to say that I've worked for you

for quite a while and
you're a wonderful person,

and, uh, even though
I'm only an employee,

I... I-I really feel that I'm just
as much of a human being

as you are, you know?

Ah, wait!

Please, Mr. Mooney,
let me finish.

Um... I, I just
wanted to say that

if I make any more mistakes,

I beg of you, don't
make fun of me;

don't try to make a monkey
out of me all the time,

because if you keep that up,

I'm afraid I'll just have
to look for another job.

You understand, Mr. Mooney?

Understand what?

Oh!

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

Boy, am I glad to see you again.

Mrs. Carmichael, is there
something the matter with you?

Not anymore.

Now you can read the statement.

Oh, thank you.

I have to go upstairs
and get my glasses.

Oh, I'll get them for
you. Where are they?

Well, they're in
the den upstairs.

But I don't see any
reason for your going...

No, now you sit down and relax.

I'll be good to you if
you be good to me.

(nervous laugh) Don't
you worry about a thing.

(Max hooting)

(laughs nervously) Oh... Oh...

Say, that banana
looks good, doesn't it?

(hoots loudly)

Don't... don't worry.

I wouldn't take
yours for the world.

I'll get my own.

- I... just...
- (hooting)

Here they are, I cleaned
them all up for you.

Face your fear. Face your fear.

I... I'm facing my fear
but it won't disappear.

It stays right here.

Mr. Mooney...

may I use your phone?

(quiet hooting)

Dr. Parker, this is
Lucy Carmichael.

I'm so glad you're in.

Listen, I tried to do what you
said about the hallucination,

but I'm with Mr. Mooney right
now and he keeps switching

from a monkey to Mooney
and to a monkey again.

It's just no use, Doctor!

What?

Yes?

And bring Mr. Mooney with me?

Mrs. Carmichael...

- Yes?
- Who are you talking to?

Oh, um... (stammering)

Dr. Parker, a psychiatrist.

- Oh.
- And I think you should go down

and see him right away!

I beg your pardon?

I mean...

I mean he's very wealthy and

he's thinking of opening
an account at your bank.

Oh!

Oh, good, good.

Well, tell him to
come down to the bank

first thing Monday morning.

I'll take care of
him personally.

Oh, but, but he's so
busy, Mr. Mooney,

he can't ever get
away from his office.

Oh, yeah, he's got
so many patients

he's up to three
couches already.

So, please, let's go
and see him right now

before another bank
gets his account, huh?

It's a good idea. All right.

Well, I better go
and put a jacket on.

I want to make an impression
on a new depositor, you know.

- Good. -Yeah.

Wear that new one you
had on the other day.

Yes, well, I have
the whole suit.

I'll, I'll be right down. Yeah.

Dr. Parker, I talked Mr. Mooney

into coming to
your office with me.

Yeah, we'll be right down.

Yeah. Thank you, Doctor.

Bye-bye.

(hoots)

(startled yell)

Oh!

My, that was quick.

That is a nice jacket.

I'm sure that you'll make
a good impression on, uh,

on the doctor.

- Well, I, uh...
- (hoots)

Come on, we'll go, Mr. Mooney.

(Max hoots, chatters)

C'mon, Mr. Mooney, we'll
go down to the doctor's office.

It's just downtown.

(hooting, grunting)

Come on, Mr. Mooney.

Come on.

Come on.

Stand up straight. Come on.

Okay, Max, here's your dessert.

Max? Come on, stop hid...

Max?

(car engine starts)

Ma...!

- Max, get out of that car!
- (car departing)

Max, come back here!

Ma... Ma...!

Mooney!

Getting a jacket here.

Oh, Bob.

Where's Mrs. Carmichael?

Is she a red-headed dame?

Yes, that's my secretary.

Well, I've got news for you,

your secretary just
ran off with my partner.

Good heavens!

I wonder what she sees in him.

I wonder what he sees in her.

Dr. Parker?

Well, Mrs. Carmichael!

- Hello.
- Nice to see you.

- Thank you.
- Where's Mr. Mooney?

Well, he's waiting in
the reception room.

He's reading The
Wall Street Journal.

He enjoys that.

And, uh... I wanted to see
you first and remind you

not to say anything to
him about my thinking that

he looks like a monkey.

You know, nothing
about my hallucination.

I understand, Mrs.
Carmichael, I won't say a word.

Okay. Thank you, Doctor.

Come in, Mr. Mooney.

Doctor, I'd like you
to meet Mr. Mooney,

the vice president of our bank.

- (Max hoots)
- (Dr. Parker yells)

Mrs. Carmichael... is this what
looks like a monkey to you?

Dr. Parker, for heaven's sake!

He can hear you, you know.

But Mrs. Carmichael...

You promised you wouldn't
say anything in front of him.

That's terribly unprofessional.

What about your
Hypocritical Oath?

But Mrs. Carmichael,
this is not an hallucination,

this is a monkey.

Oh, come on, Dr. Parker,
don't try to humor me.

I'm not humoring you!

This is a monkey, not a man!

You understand, Mrs. Carmichael?

A monkey, not a man.

Oh, yes, yes, I
understand, Doctor.

Yes, yes, I understand.

You have no hallucinations!

No, no, I don't have
any hallucinations.

DR. PARKER: You're
all right, understand?

Yes, I know. Yes, of course.

I understand. Of course.

- You can go home now.
- Yes, yes, Doctor.

- And take your monkey with you.
- Yes, I'm on my way, Doctor.

And thank you very much, Doctor.

Not at all.

Let's get out of here
before he gets violent.

Come on, Mr. Mooney.

- Hi, Mr. Mooney.
- Hi.

Mrs. Carmichael, you have done

some ridiculous
things in your day,

but would you
explain why you took

Mr. Bailey's monkey
to a psychiatrist?

Yeah, lady... I'd like to
wait until we're both stars,

and then we can go together.

You mean this is...

you mean this is really a monkey
and you're really Mr. Mooney?

Well, do I look like Rebecca
of Sunnybrook Farm?

You've made me the
happiest girl in the world!

Well, bully for
me, bully for me!

You see, Mr. Mooney, I came
down here because I thought

I was having a nervous
breakdown and because I was

working so hard at
the bank, you know,

and trying to sell your
tickets for the benefit...

Oh, that reminds me...

Mr. Mooney, I haven't sold
any tickets this afternoon.

Doctor, would you like some
tickets for our bank benefit?

- It's for a very worthy cause.
- No, I haven't got time.

- Oh, he hasn't got time.
- No, well, you see...

- (hooting)
- Oh, you want some tickets?

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, you want some more?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, you've got a lot of friends?

Oh! Maybe he'll
take Tarzan and Jane.