05x14 - Lucy's Substitute Secretary

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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05x14 - Lucy's Substitute Secretary

Post by bunniefuu »

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Now, Mrs. Winkler,
I'm not the type of man

to high-pressure anyone
into making a hasty decision,

but I'm sure you'd be more
than satisfied if you give our bank

a chance to handle your
late husband's estate.

Well, I appreciate your
interest, Mr. Mooney,

but I think I'd like a little
longer to think it over.

Of course.

And now I must be
getting back to Pasadena.

And remember, Mrs.
Winkler, our bank offers more

than just business
relationships.

With us, you would
be treated as a friend

and a member of the family.

Well, I must say, Mr. Mooney,

I like the way you make a person
feel so sheltered and protected.

Well, that's our
policy, you see.

- Mr. Mooney.
- Yes?

(screaming)

Mrs. Winkler!

Oh, Mrs. Winkler, are you,
are you, are you all right?

Yes, yes, I'm all right.

I apologize for my secretary.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Please forgive me.

Oh, my heart is still pounding,

the way you sailed
across that desk.

My dear, forget it.

I rather enjoy a little
action once in a while.

I'm so tired of
having Boy Scouts

always trying to take
me across the street.

Good day, Mr. Mooney.

Good day, Mrs. Winkler.

It's so nice of you to
take it that way, really.

Thank you so much.

Mrs. Carmichael!

Do you realize Mrs. Winkler

is a very important
potential client?

Well, yes, Mr. Mooney.
I said it was an accident.

I, I just turned like this...

What are you doing
with all that junk anyway?

Did you come here to work
or to try out for the Olympics?

Sir, the girls here at the
office loaned me all this stuff

to take to Lake
Arrowhead tomorrow.

Oh, yes, I almost forgot...
Tomorrow is my vacation.

You mean, my vacation.

When you're not
here, it's my vacation.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

(imitates wind whistling)

(imitating ball being struck)

Who's winning?

Oh! (laughs nervously)

I was just getting
a little practice.

The personnel
office sent me over

to see Mr. Mooney's secretary.

Oh, well, that's me.
I'm Lucy Carmichael.

Hi, I'm Audrey Fields.

I'm going to be replacing
you on your vacation.

Oh, oh, oh, fine. Fine.

Well, Mr. Mooney
just stepped out,

and I'll be glad to introduce
you to him when he comes back.

Won't you just sit down.

Well, maybe while we're waiting

you'd show me around and
show me what my duties are.

Oh, well, it's just the
usual secretarial work.

You know, answering the phone,

typing letters and filing
and things like that.

And if I can do it, anybody can.

Now tell me about Mr. Mooney.

Just what kind of a
boss is your employer?

Well, let me put it this way,

he's more boss than employer.

He yells a lot.

- Uh-oh. One of those, huh?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm sure
that a man like that

can be handled with
tact and diplomacy.

Oh, well, that's just the
way I handle Mr. Mooney.

I have found that the
best tact and diplomacy is

just yell right back at him.

(yelling): Mrs. Carmichael!

(yelling): What do you want?!

Well, I'll tell you
what I want...

You're supposed to
put addresses on letters

before you take
them to the mail room.

Yes, sir.

I'd be glad to help.

Uh, who's this?

Oh, that's Miss Audrey Fields.

She's going to replace
me during my vacation.

Oh. How do you do?

How do you do, Mr. Mooney?

Please sit down, sit down.

Thank you.

Well, tell me, Miss Fields,

have you had much
experience in this sort of work?

Oh, yes, sir.

My last position was
a private secretary

to the president of the
North Atlantic Trust Company.

Oh, private secretary
to the president?

- Well...
- Yes.

You must have been with the
company for quite some time.

No, not really.

Actually, when I started,

the situation was
rather similar to this one.

I replaced a girl who
went on her vacation

and Mr. Grant was so pleased
with my work that he kept me on.

Oh?

AUDREY: Yes.

And by the time she got back,

I had assumed so many
of her responsibilities

that they made her my secretary.

(laughing)

My, isn't that interesting.

Yes, very.

Well, now it will be a
pleasure having someone

with your experience
around here to help us.

You know, Mr. Mooney, you
remind me somewhat of Mr. Grant.

Oh, I do?

Uh-huh. Of course,
he's a bit older.

How old is he?

At least .

Oh!

(coughs)

You know, Mr. Mooney,
now that I see how young

and attractive you really
are, I'm really sort of surprised

that this office is furnished
so, um, conservatively.

MR. MOONEY: Conservatively?

Oh, yes, Mr. Mooney, now
for instance, these drapes,

they're really
terribly ordinary.

Today, people are
going in for fun patterns

and lamps, um, with a message.

Lamps with a message?

Mm-hmm.

And, now, let me see... the
rug looks like it's in good shape.

Maybe shampooing it
would bring it back to life.

It is a little dead, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

And I think that we
should move my desk

just a little closer to yours.

And then we'd still have
plenty of room here in the middle

for a nice informal arrangement;
something cozy and warm, huh?

How about a love seat
with an incense burner?

Hardly.

Well, uh, I like
your suggestions

very much, Miss Fields...
Very much, indeed.

Mrs. Carmichael?

Yes, sir.

Before you go to lunch,
will you get in touch

- with an interior decorator?
- Yes, sir.

Make sure we get someone
very avant garde and moderne.

Oui, madame.

And get someone up here

to shampoo this rug
and bring it back to life.

Yes, sir.

There's nothing
worse than a dead rug.

Oh, and if anyone
calls, I'll be out to lunch.

Yes, sir.

- Now, there's one more thing.
- Yes, sir.

Are interested in
lunch, Miss Fields?

With you, yes.

Oh, thank you.

Oh!

Oh, dear.

Now, come on,
Lucy, stop worrying.

Wait'll you see
these kooky outfits

I borrowed for
you from the studio.

All very high fashion.

And look, honey, this is the wig

Audrey Hepburn wore
in the picture we saw.

You know, some night you
can be a brunette, just for kicks.

Well, Mary Jane, I
appreciate all the trouble

that you went
to, but I just think

I should call Lake Arrowhead
and cancel my reservation.

Oh, Lucy, all year long you've
looked forward to this trip...

Now don't blow it just
because some girl's

taking your place at the office.

That's just it...
Taking my place.

She's the type that
could con Mr. Mooney

into making my
vacation permanent.

Mr. Mooney wouldn't
allow a thing like that.

Ha!

I know you two
have your differences,

but Mr. Mooney is loyal.

If he wasn't, he'd have hired a
good secretary a long time ago.

Well, you're a big help.

Well...

Anyway, she's more
than just a secretary.

She's one of
those tricky chicks.

You know what she is?

- What?
- She's a one-woman Peyton Place.

Boy, you make her sound
like a real femme fatale.

- Yeah.
- What does she look like?

Oh, nothing special.

She's about the same age
as me, when I was younger.

She's attractive,
but not beautiful.

Her figure's okay, but
not wow, you know.

Well, so, what are
you worried about?

She's just a girl.

I know.

But she's so good at it.

But honey, Mr. Mooney's
not gonna be taken in

by someone like that.

He's a respectable married man.

He's also at the dangerous age.

He's past the dangerous age.

That's worse.

Men go from
dangerous to desperate.

Lucy, I tell you...

You're just letting your
imagination run wild.

Now, why don't you go
up to Lake Arrowhead

and stop worrying
about your job?

Look, I'm not just
worrying about my job.

I don't want to see
Mr. Mooney led astray

by some designing woman.

Is there anything
you can do about it?

Well, I can stay around where
I can keep an eye on them,

and see they don't get too cozy.

But, Lucy, you're supposed
to be on a vacation.

You can't be seen
hanging around the bank.

Well, now, they don't
have to know it's me

that's hanging around the bank.

Lucy, no, not another
one of your kooky capers!

Well, all I know is
I've just got to protect

poor Mr. Mooney from
that... that menace.

- Well?
- Lucy!

Uh, new paragraph.

Confidentially,

I think my approach to
landing the Winkler account

is far superior to Mr. Cheever's

old-fashioned fuddy-duddy way.

Oh, by the way, where did
these flowers come from?

Oh, I brought them.

I thought they'd
make your office

just a little more cheerful.

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah!

Our office.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, they smell lovely.

I was hoping their fragrance
would help overcome

the aroma of Mrs. Carmichael's
perfume that seems to linger on.

Oh, oh, is that her perfume?

(sniffs) I thought
that was insecticide.

(phone ringing)

Good morning.
Mr. Mooney's office.

Oh, the interior
decorator is here.

Good. Good, good.

Send the decorator in please.

I just know you're
going to love all the ideas

I have for your office.

Ah, ah, ah! Our office.

Remember.

Ciao!

I am Margo of Margo's
Mad Mad Mad Mod Interiors.

She has a mad, mad, mad
exterior, too, if you ask me.

Won't you come in?

Thank you.

I'm Mr. Mooney's secretary.

Oh, you must be that
lovely Mrs. Carmichael

I spoke to on the phone.

No, Mrs. Carmichael
is on vacation.

I'm taking her place.

Oh, oh.

Mr. Mooney, Mrs. Carmichael
sure thinks the world of you.

Yeah, she says you were so
kind and considerate and so loyal.

And, oh, by the way,
how's Mrs. Mooney?

Oh, uh, well, uh... fine.

I'm glad to hear that.

Would you mind if we
got on with the decorating?

Why not?

Now... over here, I
thought we should have

some very bold,
masculine drapes...

A pattern that would reflect
Mr. Mooney's personality.

Maybe something
in an animal motif.

How about something
with a stripe down its back?

Yes, stripes.

Stripes are very in this season.

Yes, they're way in. Yes.

And over there...

Where?

There.

We thought that we should
have a very important painting.

Like what?

Something that art lovers
can communicate with.

Oh. Well, if it's
communication you want,

how about a Salvador Dalí?

Then, when anyone
comes through the door,

they can say, "Hello, Dalí."

(chuckling)

That's communication.

Yes, well, we'll
think about that.

Now, over here, I would suggest

that we put a
nice, cozy little bar.

A bar?

Oh, yes, Mr. Mooney.

Nowadays, more deals are
made over a bar than over a desk.

Uh, true, true.

I'd like the bar to be made
out of something unusual.

Like what?

Well, now, what do you
have in distressed wood?

Well, we have some walnut
that looks a little worried.

Or maybe you'd prefer
a melancholy mahogany.

Or, if you want something
really distressed,

we have some pecky cypress
that's on the verge of su1c1de.

I know what I'd like.

What?

Maple.

Oh, maple. Good.

With a beautiful blonde
finish to go with your hair.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

And maybe a black
base to go with the roots.

(Mr. Mooney clears throat)

Well, um, if you
ladies have settled

your decorating problems,
we have to get back to work.

Oh, well, don't
let me interrupt.

You two just go ahead
like I wasn't even here.

I'll just take a few
measurements.

Oh, fine. Fine.

Now... well, now, let's get
on with our correspondence.

Uh, would you read
me the last paragraph

of that memo I dictated?

- Yes, sir.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, confidentially,
Mr. Cavanaugh,

I think my approach to
landing the Winkler account

is superior to Mr. Cheever's
old-fashioned, fuddy-duddy way.

Fine, fine, fine.

Now, that memo goes
to Mr. Cavanaugh,

and be sure that this
one goes to Mr. Cheever.

And don't get them mixed up,

because if you do, I
am in terrible trouble.

Oh, I'll be very
careful, Mr. Mooney.

Perhaps Mrs. Carmichael
could make that mistake,

but I never could.

MR. MOONEY: Oh.

Uh, one more
thing. (clears throat)

Are you interested
in lunch, Miss Fields?

- With you?
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- (chuckling)

(Mr. Mooney humming happily)

Thank you.

"Perhaps Mrs. Carmichael
could make that mistake,

but I never could."

(laughing)

Uh, gentlemen, the
stock that you mention

will be acceptable as collateral

for the loan that
you are requesting.

However, if the loan will not...

Buenos días.

My name is Jose Hernandez.

Apparently you're here
to shampoo the rug.

Apparently I come
to shampoo the rug.

Wouldn't Mrs. Carmichael
send someone over here

to shampoo the rug when
we have important work to do?

Now, she is a real birdbrain.

Couldn't you make arrangements
to come back later this evening?

Uh, no, I cannot work at night.

At night, I have to siesta.

Don't you take your
siesta in the afternoon?

No, Esta my girl.

Tonight, I have to "see Esta."

Oh, really, shampooing
the rug while we are working.

What a bother!

Oh, you no bother me, señor.

I wasn't referring to you.

- We're the ones who are...
- Oh, gracias, gracias, señor.

(Mr. Mooney groans)

(Audrey screams)

Pick up your feet, señora.

All the way for Juan Jose.

Couldn't you go someplace else?

Uh, sí, Tijuana,
but I don't wanna.

Oh!

Mooney, I want to talk to you
about this memo I received!

Oh, uh, y-yes, Mr. Cheever.

Yes, sir. What about it, sir?

Well, in it, you criticized my
handling of the Winkler account,

and you also refer to
me as an old fuddy-duddy.

Oh! Well, sir,
uh... my secretary

must have made a mistake
in transcribing her notes.

I have never thought of you
as a fuddy... or even a duddy.

What I think I said was that
you are a... a Ready-Freddy.

Oh, well. Well,
listen, Ready-Freddy,

you had better get ready
to find yourself another job

with another fuddy-duddy if we
don't land that Winkler account.

- Uh, yes, sir.
- And remember...

This is a bank, not a laundry.

Yes, sir, Mr. Cheever. Yes!

Can you explain
how this happened?

Uh, no, no, I don't
know how it happen.

I just came to shampoo the rug.

I wasn't talking to
you! I was talking to...

Well, Miss Fields?

No, I'm sorry. I
don't understand.

This is worse than anything
Mrs. Carmichael ever did!

- (Audrey gasps)
- (Lucy humming)

Oh, will you stop
that silly dancing!

Oh, I no dancing.

I'm just rubbing
the suds in the rug.

Rubbing the suds in the rug?
Rub them in some other rug!

Now, go on... out of here!

- I've had enough of this!
- (Audrey screams)

- Out, out, out, out.
- Oh, oh, oh, señor.

- You...
- Señor, you're bending my enchilada.

(Audrey screams,
Mr. Mooney stammers)

Out! Out!

I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Winkler still
doesn't answer.

Oh, well, keep
trying. Keep trying.

If she takes her
account to a rival bank,

I'll be looking for another job.

Oh, I don't believe...

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Good morning, Mrs. Winkler.

Oh, how nice to see you.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Oh, my.

We've been trying to get
you on the phone all morning.

Oh, have you really?

Well, I was visiting some
friends at Lake Arrowhead.

Oh, and while I was
there, I ran into that

adorable secretary of
yours, Mrs. Carmichael.

What a dear, dear girl.

Oh, well, that's very
generous of you to say that,

after the way she sprawled
you across this desk.

Oh, think nothing of it.

She's just a
spirited young thing.

I was the same way
when I was younger.

My, my.

This office seems so
dead and empty without her.

Oh, my, you are fond of her.

Well, she's my kind of people.

I like doing business
with my kind of people.

- Doing business? Um...
- Yes.

Well, now, I can arrange
to have the papers

all drawn up for your
signature tomorrow.

Oh! Will Mrs. Carmichael
be back tomorrow?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

Oh, well, why don't you
have Mrs. Carmichael call me

when she gets back
from her vacation,

and we'll settle things then.

Uh, whatever you
say, Mrs. Winkler.

Whatever you say, of course.

Oh, my.

She certainly is eccentric.

Well, she'd have to be

to be so fond of
Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, and she's
also very forgetful.

Here's her handkerchief.

Now, I wonder why she insists
on Mrs. Carmichael being here

before she'll do
business with us?

Now, she went to Arrowhead...

Arrowhead, and she...

I am beginning to smell a rat.

And I am beginning to
smell the rat's perfume.

Now, look at
these initials... L.C.

Lucille Carmichael!

Now, what in the world
could she be up to?

Why, she's here to spy on us.

Well, why would she
want to do a thing like that?

She's jealous of me.

Jealous?

Well, as a woman, she's
aware of the great admiration

that I have for you, Mr. Mooney.

Now, what was it you said
they used to call you in college?

Speedy.

Speedy.

(laughing)

(Mr. Mooney sighs)

Ah, so you came back, did
you, to get the handkerchief

before we discovered
your initials?

Handkerchief? What
are you talking about?

Oh, don't give me that!

Come on! I've had
enough of your game.

Out! Out!

Get out and stay out!

Mr. Mooney.

Oh, you don't know
what you just did.

Mrs. Carmichael!

Do you realize what
you have made me do?

- Yes. Yes. I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.
- Sorry?!

I not only threw out
an important client,

I have thrown my
entire career out!

Aah!

Mooney!

Oh, Mr. Cheever. Yes, sir.

Mrs. Winkler was
just in my office.

- Oh!
- I don't know what you said to her,

but congratulations.

- Congratulations?
- Yes!

She wants you to handle
her account personally.

She says you're the
independent no-nonsense type.

She likes your spirit.

Says you remind her
of her late husband.

Splendid, my boy.

Splendid!

Mr. Mooney.

- Oh.
- See, I'm lucky for you.

Well, it's lucky for you

that things turned
out the way they did.

- Yes, sir.
- (Audrey groans)

Where are you
going, Miss Fields?

To Arrowhead.

I've had enough of
this kooky joint, Speedy.

If, uh... if you're stuck for
a secretary, Mr. Mooney,

I... I can take my
vacation some other time.

That is, if you still
want me to work for you.

Well, there's one thing I
have to get settled first.

What's that, sir?

Are you interested in
lunch, Mrs. Carmichael?

With you? Yes.
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