05x15 - Viv Visits Lucy

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Is this Gate Seven?

Yes, ma'am.

Uh, is this where
Flight comes in

from the east about : ?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my girlfriend's
on that plane...

Uh, Vivian Bagley.

I mean, her name used
to be Vivian Bagley,

but now it's Vivian Bunson.

She got married again.

WOMAN (over P.A.):
Flight number

is now coming in for a landing.

Oh.

Oh, there it is!

There it is!

Oh, isn't this exciting?

(gasps)

Oh, look, someone's
hanging out of the plane!

It looks like Viv!

Why, that's the landing gear.

Flight number will be
unloading at Gate Seven.

Oh!

Oh, miss, miss,
where are you going?

Oh, I just wanted
to be back there.

I thought it would be
very nice if I was right there

at the bottom of the steps
when Viv came out of the plane.

Oh, I'm sorry, miss, but
you can't go out there.

Oh, well, I-I won't
be in the way.

There's plenty of room.

Well, it's not a
question of room.

We've never had anyone
run over by a plane.

We'd like to keep it that way.

Oh.

Well, if those are the rules.

But I just can't
wait to see Viv.

Oh, I've got so much
to talk with her about.

You know, we haven't seen
each other for over a year.

There's Viv! There's Viv!

- Viv!
- Lucy!

- Lucy!
- Viv!

Oh, Lucy!

Oh, honey!

Oh, I'm so glad to see you!

Oh, I'm so glad!

I just thought the plane
would never get here.

I-I wished I was
flying it myself.

I didn't think I'd
ever get here!

(laughs)

Oh, I'm just so...

I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, and I'm so glad to see you.

(both sobbing)

Oh, I don't know
how I stayed away.

Okay, let's go.

Have you had breakfast?

Oh, no, I just had lunch.

Oh, I forgot the
difference in time.

Oh, I love it.

Now that I'm in California,
I'm three hours younger.

Oh, and you look it!

And you just look
absolutely wonderful.

Thank you.

And you're working
for Mr. Mooney.

How about that?

How is he?

Same as ever.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear it.

I thought California
would agree with him.

(chuckles)

Oh, I'm dying to hear
about your husband.

Oh, and am I dying
to tell you about him.

What does he look like?

Well... well, he's handsome.

- Yeah.
- He's tall, and he's got dark hair,

and he has blue eyes.

- You're kidding.
- No.

Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, that's marvelous.
- He's so strong,

and he has lots of character.

Just hates those marriages
where the wife tries to run things.

Doesn't want the woman
running things at all.

Oh, he's the boss, huh?

No, I am, but he hates it.

Oh!

Same old Viv.

- That's what you are.
- (sighs)

Here, let me carry this for you.

Gee... Oh, boy, that's heavy.

What do you got in here?

I bought you a present.

What?

A big bag of oranges.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Good afternoon.

I'm glad you finally got here.

Gee, have I got a
big surprise for you.

Oh, pl-please.

No, no, no games.

- Not on a day as busy...
- Now, wait till you find out

who came to see us.

- But...
- Surprise!

Hello, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, my.

Well...

Mr. Mooney, I asked Viv to come
here because I didn't want her

sitting alone in my apartment
all day waiting for me.

So I didn't think you'd mind

if she waited until
I finished work.

Well, not at all. Not at...

Of course, you must excuse us.

We have a lot of
important work today.

Oh, don't mind me.
Just go right ahead.

- Thank you.
- You sit right over here, darling.

- Okay.
- And put your bags right over here.

- Take off your coat.
- All righty.

Here's a magazine that I
just know you're going to love.

There's some
wild things in there.

All righty.

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes, sir?

Will you bring your
ledger over here, please?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Now, will you refer to page .

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Yes, now, ...

Oh, Lucy, look at this gown!

(gasps)

- Look at that dress.
- That's the one.

That's the one, Viv.

- Ooh.
- Is that too much?

Of course, you have
to have the figure for it.

Oh, say, did you notice
I've lost a lot of weight?

I'm down to a size ,
and that's without my girdle.

Yeah, I sure did notice.

I noticed that on the way
home from the airport.

- Oh, you did?
- Yeah.

We never had that much
room in the cab before.

Since I got married, I just
stopped eating between meals.

- You did?
- Yep.

I just eat my six meals
a day now and that's it.

Six meals?

Uh-huh.

I have to keep up my strength.

If I don't, I get so
weak I can't eat.

And if I can't eat, I
don't have the energy

for those singing lessons.

Oh, you're giving
singing lessons?

Not giving, taking.

Oh, how wonderful.

How are you doing?

Oh, wait'll you hear me.

Not here.

All right, Mr. Mooney.

But I want you to hear
me before I leave town.

Oh, I want to hear
you, Viv. I want to.

My husband refers to me
as his happy little canary.

Aw, that's cute.

Cute?!

-pound canary?

(both talking quietly)

Oh, Viv, would you
like a cup of coffee?

Oh, I'd love to
have a cup of coffee.

You don't mind, do
you, Mr. Mooney?

VIVIAN: Oh, it'll be
just like old times,

having a cup of coffee with you.

Oh, and I got so
much to ask you.

Oh, and I've got
so much to tell you.

- Have you?
- Mm-hmm.

Before I left home, I
went to the beauty parlor

and I picked up
all the local gossip.

Oh, wonderful.

Anybody wants me,
I'll be out in my car.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, aren't you going
to stay and have coffee with us?

(muttering and
spluttering angrily)

(door slams)

You're right, he
hasn't changed a bit.

He sure hasn't.

And I'm so glad he's gone.

Now we can gossip
all we want to.

Tell me about everybody.

Well, now, let's see.

When I was in the beauty
parlor, I heard something about

Helen and Joe Walton's son.

You mean little Herbie Walton?

Yeah. You remember him?

Certainly. I was at his
high school graduation.

Well, he came out
here to go to college.

- Yeah?
- And I heard...

Yeah, what?

What-What did you hear?

I heard that all he does

is hang around
that Sunset Strip.

Yeah.

Well, they said he's, uh...

Oh, he just got so
he looks very unusual.

Like what?

Well, he's got hair

down to his shoulders,

and he's got a guitar
hanging around his neck,

and he wears a watch
in his ear for an earring.

Well, never mind that; tell
me why he looks unusual.

I just told you.

He's got hair down to here,

and he wears a watch
in his ear like an earring.

Well, on the Sunset Strip,
everybody looks like that.

Well, maybe you folks
out here in California

are used to things
like that, but, oh, boy,

if his mother ever hears what
happened to him... (gasps)

Do you mean Helen doesn't know?

No, she doesn't go
to my beauty parlor.

Oh, good heavens.

Well, maybe we better
get up on that Sunset Strip

and straighten out little Herbie
before his folks hear about him.

Oh, now, Lucy, there's
nothing we can do.

What do you mean,
there's nothing we can do?

We can try to talk to him.

Oh, his generation lives

in a kooky little
world all their own.

They don't want to talk to us.

Well, maybe he would talk to us

if he sees us up there
on the Sunset Strip

and he thinks that we're
their... We're his own kind.

Now, Lucy, we're outsiders.

He wouldn't talk to us.

Besides, I didn't come here
to butt into anybody's business.

I came here to see the sights.

Well, then you got
nothing to worry about.

You're gonna see
the Sunset Strip,

and believe me,
girl, that's a sight.

(talking quietly)

(talking quietly)

(clicking tongue)

(groans): Oh.

I didn't realize
they'd be this far out.

Boy!

Did you see that kook
with his beard in curlers?

Yeah.

How about that character

with the bare feet
and the braided toes?

Gee!

I think I look
just as ridiculous.

I don't see why I let
you talk me into this.

Because we want to find
Herbie Walton, don't we?

- Well, since...
- Maybe one of those weirdos

knows where we
could find Herbie.

But remember, they
don't trust outsiders.

Let's act like
we're one of them.

Come on.

Just pay no attention.

MAN: Hi.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What's your name?

Hy.

Hi, what's your name?

Hy.

Oh, hi, Hy.

I'm Vi.

I'm Luce.

Loose?

That's short for Lucy!

First time you two
chicks making the scene?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

You belong to some cycle outfit?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Which one, the
Cobras or the Sharks?

The Bloomer Girls.

The Bloomer Girls?!

I never heard of them.

It's an undercover outfit.

Well, what are
you doing up here?

We're looking for a guy
named Herbie Walton.

Yeah.

Herbie Walton, huh?

(grunts)

What's this cat look like?

Well, he's got long
hair and a guitar,

and he wears a watch
in his ear like an earring.

Oh, yeah.

You mean Itchy.

- Itchy?! -Itchy?!

Yeah. Itchy usually makes
the scene around this time,

so stick around... beautiful.

Thank you.

He was talking to me.

(talking quietly)

Say, Harry.

Yeah?

Take a look at those new
rules and see if I'm allowed

to tell her to get her
foot off my motorcycle.

It says here it's okay, if
you take your hat off first.

Excuse me, miss...

would you please get
your foot off my motorcycle?

Aw, cool it, fuzz! Cool it!

Don't jabber her!
Don't jabber her!

Yeah, don't jabber
me! Don't jabber me!

Get your foot off my motorcycle!

Cool it, man! Cool it!

All right, all right, cool
it or I'll call the fuzz!

- Harry!
- I mean I'll call the police!

Now, now cool it!

Don't blow your stack, pussycat!

Don't blow your stack!

Oh, Lucy, I'm going
to get out of here.

I want to go home.

No, now, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

We want to find Herbie
Walton, don't we?

Well, I don't know...

Look, look, there's
a lot of kooks

going into that club
across the street.

Let's start in there.

In the Hairy Ape?

Yeah, that should
be a good place

to find a guy named Itchy.

Oh, now, Lucy...

Don't jabber me.
Don't jabber me.

Don't blow your stack, pussycat.

Don't blow your stack.

(rock music playing)

(fingers snapping)

Hey, is it all right if
we sit and watch?

Sit and watch?

What are you, some
kind of squares?

What do you mean, "squares"?

Nobody comes to the
Hairy Ape to sit and watch.

Either you swing with
the "in" group or you're out.

All right, man,
cool it, cool it.

We swing. We swing pretty good.

Cool it.

Yeah, don't blow
your stack, pussycat.

- Yeah.
- Don't blow your stack.

So this is the "in" group, huh?

If anybody back home
saw me in this can of worms,

they'd kick me out
of the garden club.

Just remember, we gotta
act "in" or we'll be thrown out.

What'll it be?

What'll you have?

Uh, can we have a menu?

We don't have menus.

If you don't see it on the
tablecloth, we ain't got it.

Uh, we'll just have some coffee.

Okay.

Two muddy splashes!

(rock b*at begins playing)

They're trying to
tell us something.

Oh, they want to dance with us.

I'll handle this.

- Hey, you chicks do "The Arrow"?
- (rock b*at stops)

"The Arrow"?

- Yeah.
- (rock music playing)

(grunts)

(music stops)

- No.
- No, we don't do "The Arrow."

How about "The Rooster"?

"The Rooster"?

(crows)

(music playing)

(crows)

(music stops)

- No.
- No.

- No, no, we just made this scene.
- No.

We don't know any
California dances.

What kind of dancing do you do?

Well, uh, I can do
"The Lighthouse."

- "The Lighthouse"?
- Uh-huh.

(music playing)

(Lucy chuckles, music stops)

Hey, that's good.

What do you do?

Uh, uh, I-I-I can
do "The Chipmunk."

- "The Chipmunk"?
- Yeah.

(music playing)

(music stops)

Say, that was really cool.

Let's cut it.

(music playing)

(Vivian crows)

(Vivian crows loudly)

(crowing weakly)

(crowing weakly)

(snapping fingers)

They just walk away.

All right, all right, we got a
little impromptu entertainment.

Got a new cat that
wants to try his wings

here at the Hairy
Ape... Itchy Walton.

He'll accompany
himself on his own git box.

(audience snapping fingers)

Isn't that awful?

Look at that hair.

And his father a barber.

No wonder he's itchy.

Oh, is that awful.

I'm going to sing
my own composition,

"Lament to a Small Town."

I come from a small
town with grass roots,

Blue serge suits,
and turkey sh**t.

It's Squaresville, man,

Like new mown hay

Or Groundhog's Day

Or Friday night at the PTA.

(audience snapping fingers)

Yeah, the dialogue's
dull as dull can be.

They say things like
"Long time, no see"

Or "Howdy, neighbor"
or "Golly gee,"

Yeah, or a village fool
when he blows his cool

Will come on with a "By Jiminy!"

Well, I split these
scenes before my teens.

Had to take my leave
on Christmas Eve

'Cause I sealed Santa
up in the "chiminy."

MAN: Yeah.

I could hear him shout
that he wanted out

As I grabbed his
sleigh for my getaway.

On Hipster, on Swinger,
on Playboy, on Bunny.

Let's get to the city
and go for the money.

Merry Christmas.

Isn't that the worst
thing you ever heard?

Yeah, and it'll probably
sell a million copies.

Oh, Itchy, that was
groovy, man, groovy.

Yeah, we dig you, cat.

We'd like to buy you a splash.

Yeah, sit down, have
a splash with us, Itchy.

Yeah, groovy, groovy.

You, uh, you really come
from a small town, Itch?

Ugh, you better believe it.

A place called Danfield.

Real Dullsville.

And when did you make
up your mind to leave there?

Well, a while ago.

Then I came out
here with all these cats

and I dug all this
swinging action.

Well, don't you
miss your parents

or ever think about them?

Well, you know, they're okay,

but that Mom and Dad
scene is really a drag.

Yeah, that's a drag.

Not that they should be stamped
out or anything, you know,

but that Maggie and Jiggs
action is pretty hard to take.

Maggie and Jiggs?

Herbie Walton,

you ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

talking about your
parents like that.

Herbie Walton?

- Yes.
- How do you know me?

I'm Mrs. Bunson.

Mrs. Bunson from Danfield?

Yes, and this is
Mrs. Carmichael.

Maybe you remember her.

She used to live there.

In Dullsville.

Well, yeah, sure, but what
are you two doing here,

- like this?
- Yeah...

We're trying to find you, Itchy,
and bring you to your senses.

Well, now, Mrs. Carmichael,
I was just putting you on.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I thought you
were like all the rest

of these characters,
and I didn't want anybody

to get wise to me.

Get wise to you?

Wise to you about what?

The hair and all this jazz.

You don't really think I turned
out to be one of these kooks?

Well, then what are
you doing here like that?

I'm just getting some
material that I need for a thesis.

A thesis?

Yes, for my psychology class.

- Oh... oh.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

Believe me, I can't
wait to take this wig off.

- Oh, it's a wig.
- It's a...

Oh, well, are we
glad to hear that.

Listen, will you do me a favor?

Sure, what?

What time is it?

- : .
- Oh, my gosh, I've got

- to be cutting out.
- What?

I mean, getting
back to the dorm.

- Well, it was...
- Oh, the dormitory.

Nice to see you.

Oh, I'm so glad we
found you, Herbie.

Good luck with your thesis.

- Oh, thank you, thank you.
- LUCY: Yeah.

Oh, uh, when I write Mom
and Dad, I'll tell 'em I saw you.

- Oh.
- But I won't tell 'em how you looked.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

Well, now, aren't
you glad we came?

Everything turned out just fine.

Yeah, for once, one of your
crazy schemes didn't backfire.

- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Yeah.

DOORMAN: Now we'll continue
with our impromptu entertainers.

Hey, Red.

Do either of you chicks chirp?

Uh, yeah, my friend does.

What friend does what?

You... they want you to
chirp. Sing... sing a song.

- Oh, I couldn't sing here, Lucy.
- Sure you can.

I don't want to sing here, Lucy.

Y-You said that you
wanted me to hear you sing.

- Now, come on.
- Well, I was thinking

the Hollywood Bowl
or something like that.

No.

(both talking at once as
audience snaps fingers)

No, I-I couldn't sing, I got to
have somebody accompany me.

Well, I'm just dying to get
my hands on this git box.

Now, what are you going to sing?

My best song.

Well, what's that?

♪ I dream of Jeanie ♪

♪ With the light brown hair... ♪

(whistle blowing)

This is a raid!

(clamoring)

Come on, move out, there we go.

Hey, wait!

You two here, come
on, you two, this way.

The wagon's waiting outside.

Well, what's the rap?

The curfew law.

The curfew?

Now, you kids know the rules.

Everybody under
has to be in by : .

Under ?!

Oh, now, listen,
Officer, I got no...

Uh, Vivian, Vivian, let's not
argue with the nice officer.

(Lucy speaking quietly)

I hope Mumsie and Daddy
aren't too upset by this.

Me, too.