05x16 - Lucy the Babysitter

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Oh!

Those boots were
made for walking.

Oh.

Well, I'm having trouble
with this typewriter.

Well, you shouldn't have.

It's a brand-new
electric typewriter.

A child could run it.

Well, I'll bet Tom
Edison himself

couldn't work this one.

Couldn't I have my
old typewriter back?

No. You simply have got to learn

how to run that
electric typewriter.

Well, couldn't I
break in slowly,

like, maybe on a gas typewriter?

This is no time to be
facetious, Mrs. Carmichael.

Well...

Now, did you put
the paper in properly?

Of course.

Did you hit the keys properly?

Yes, I did.

Did you plug it in properly?

Oh, plug it in.

Oh, you must think
I'm a perfect idiot.

Nobody's perfect.

But you'll do until the
real thing comes along.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

this is an electric typewriter.

Yes, sir.

This is the plug for
the electric typewriter.

- Yes, sir.
- And this is the outlet

that supplies the electricity
for the electric typewriter.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I don't...

Now, please, don't interrupt.

Now, the typewriter will
not work without electricity.

We must plug it in, so...

Mr. Mooney, I...

Please don't interrupt.

So we plug this
into that thusly.

(electricity crackles)

That's what I tried to tell you.

That outlet has a short circuit.

Now, if you don't
mind, Mr. Mooney.

We plug this into that thusly.

Gee, Mr. Mooney, this
machine is wonderful.

You know, it practically
types by itself.

I'll bet someday they
invent a typewriter

that does type by itself... And
then you wouldn't need me.

May I live to see the day.

Well, I don't think that was a
very nice thing for you to say.

- Oh, you don't?
- No, I don't.

You know something?

You're always
finding fault with me.

If I'm so incompetent,

how come you picked me
from the secretarial pool?

Picked you?! You
were the only one left.

You know, you're
lucky you got me.

Good help is very
hard to find these days.

I know. I'm still looking.

It would be a lot easier for me
to go out and get another job

than for you to find
another secretary.

You get another job?

Ha!

I could get another
job if I wanted to.

Well, it would be
very interesting

to see just what kind of a job
you think you're qualified for.

Well, I'm qualified for a
lot more than you ever

give me credit for, and
I'd like a chance to prove it,

- I'll tell you that.
- All right, good, good.

Why don't we start by looking

in the "help wanted"
section of the newspaper, eh?

That's a very good idea.

Oh, here we are.

"Help wanted, female."

Uh, "Excellent position open

"for unusually
talented young lady.

"College graduate with a
master's degree in psychology

"and a thorough
background in calculus,

"trigonometry and
mathematical analysis.

"Must speak six languages

and be expert at operating
a digital computer."

What's their phone number?

You're going to
apply for the job?

No, I'm going to call them and
tell them not to count on me.

I should think not.

Oh, here's another job
that you're not qualified for.

- "Wanted..."
- Mr. Mooney, if you don't mind,

I'd prefer to select
my own new job.

Well, I was just trying to help.

Thank you, but
I'd like to find it.

Oh, here's one.

It's an ad for an
employment agency

that specializes
in unusual jobs.

"The Unique Employment Agency.

We get odd positions
for odd people."

Oh, that's you, all right.

Never mind.

I'm going right
down and see them.

They'll never find a job

for anyone as
incompetent as you are.

I am not incompetent!

I know what I'm doing every
minute, and don't you forget it!

Oh, never mind
that. Never mind...

Ju... uh, I'll take care of it.

Go. Go. Go.

- All right.
- Oh...

Knows what she's
doing every minute.

Ha! I...

Aah! It's hot! Hot!

Hot, hot! It burns!

Before we talk about
your employment problems,

um, I have some
background information

- I'd like to ask you.
- Yes, ma'am.

Um, name?

Lucille Carmichael.

Address?

The Glenhall Apartments,
North Gower Street.

Age?

Uh, well, would you mind
putting down "over ?"

Over .

Way over.

Education?

Uh, yes, I'm a high
school graduate,

and I had two years
of business college.

Almost.

Perhaps we should
give you an aptitude test

to find out the type of work

- for which you're qualified.
- All right.

Now, this will be a
word association test.

I'll mention a word,
and then you say

whatever word
pops into your head.

Mm-hmm.

- Summer.
- Winter.

- Hot.
- Cold.

- Legs.
- Walk.

- Hair.
- Dyed.

Ooh. (chuckles)

I-I just use a little henna.

- Lift.
- Up.

- Carry.
- Grant.

Cary Grant?

Yeah.

What type of job

would an answer like
that qualify you for?

I don't know, but it's
nice work if you can get it.

Well, I've had all
kinds of answers

from applicants, but Cary Grant?

Yeah, well, I wouldn't mind
working for him in any capacity,

and you know, these days,
he could use a babysitter.

Say, would you like
to do some babysitting?

Oh, I sure would.

Does Cary Grant
need a babysitter?

No, no, no, no. This is a
wonderful babysitting job.

I don't know why I
didn't think of it before.

- Oh, now, there are
three children, -Uh-huh.

And it pays five dollars
per hour per child,

with a guarantee of three hours.

Ooh, wow! That's $ !

I'll take it.

Well, you can
have it if you qualify.

Oh. Well, I-I raised
two children of my own.

They're away at school now.

Oh, well, then you know
all about the care of babies.

Oh, I certainly do.

I always followed a simple
poem that my mother taught me.

Uh, "If you want a happy baby,

"Here's the thing to
try, Keep one end fed,

And the other end dry."

Oh, that's very good
child psychology.

Oh, you'll do just
fine for this job.

- Thank you.
- Now, uh,

- the family name is
Winslow, - Mm-hmm.

And it's at
Valley Meadow Road.

You be there at : tonight.

Yes, ma'am, I will.

- And thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

(door opens and closes)

Hello, Mrs. Winslow.

This is Miss Allman.

Oh, I have good news for you.

There'll be a babysitter
there tonight at : .

No, I didn't tell her
about the children.

I was afraid if I did, she
wouldn't take the job.

Darling, what time is the
babysitter going to get here?

I told you before... : .

I hope this one
stays long enough

- for us to get out of the house.
- Yes, dear.

Darling, why don't we ever hire

an animal trainer
instead of a babysitter?

An animal trainer?

Yes, dear.

After all, they are chimpanzees,

and chimpanzees are animals.

They're just as
human as you are.

- (doorbell rings)
- Yes, dear.

Oh, that must be the
babysitter. I'll get it.

I'll get it.

You round up the children.

Yes, dear.

- Won't you come in?
- LUCY: Thank you.

Oh, my, what a lovely room!

Well, it's a little
messy just now.

The children have been
playing in here all day.

I understand. My, they
certainly have a lot of nice toys.

Oh, and that wonderful tree.

Children love to climb trees.

Especially ours.

They could climb
before they could walk.

(chuckles)

They sound like
very unusual children.

Yes, they are.

(chuckles) What are their names?

Their names are Danny,
Charlie and Bobby.

Oh, how wonderful... three boys.

No, no, no, no... Bobbie
is short for Roberta.

- Oh.
- Roberta is the baby.

Now, she'll require a little
extra attention, of course.

- Naturally.
- Now, she has to be in bed by : .

- She sleeps here in the crib.
- Mm-hmm.

- That's her nightgown.
- Mm-hmm.

The milk and the
cereal over here.

The boys sleep back
here in these bunk beds.

- These bunk beds are wonderful.
- And... yes...

And these are their pajamas.

Uh, aren't the
sleeves a-a little long?

No, not for them.

Now, the baby likes to be
rocked and sung to at bedtime.

Do you know any lullabies?

Uh, yes. Uh, does she like

"Rock-a-bye, baby,
in the treetop"?

Oh, she loves the
part about the treetop.

In fact, she likes
all kinds of music.

She likes rock and roll,
Dixieland, boogie woogie.

- (laughs)
- Well...

for a baby, she sounds
like a real swinger.

- They're all swingers.
- Oh.

That's why we have the tree.

(laughing hard)

Gee, I can hardly wait
to meet the little darlings.

MRS. WINSLOW: Oh,
here they come now.

(hoots, screeches)

Aren't they cute?

Oh...

Why, yes, they're
cute, all right, but...

aren't they a little
unusual looking?

Yes. They're monkeys.

You said that; I didn't.

Uh, so that's why
this babysitting job

pays so well, huh?

Yes. You're not gonna
back out, are you?

Uh...

No. I-I can use the money.

Good. Well, let's
get going, Jonathan.

- Come on.
- Yes, dear.

Here, Mrs. Carmichael.

Give the babies
to Mrs. Carmichael.

Now, be good boys. Come along.

We'll be back right after
the movie. Come on.

(door closes)

Hello, Bobbie.

Hello.

Hey, you, Charlie.

Danny. Come here, Danny.

- (Danny chattering)
- Hello, there... fella.

Hello, there.

Hey... Hey, there, fellas.

♪ Ring around the rosy ♪

♪ Pocket full of posey ♪

♪ All fall down ♪

♪ All fall down. ♪
(laughing)

All right, all right, now,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute,
now, boys. Stop it.

Danny, sit up
there in the chair.

Sit up there in the chair.

Listen, now, you
hold the baby for me.

Come on. I'll ride the
horsie with you, Charlie.

Get on the horsie.

Hold the baby, now, Danny.

Danny, hold the
baby. Do you hear me?

Hold on to the baby.

Wait a minute, now.

Let's get on...

All right, come on,
Charlie, come on.

All right, Charlie,
you b*at me this time.

Okay, okay.

Get up on the bunks,
Charlie, and play.

Danny, come on, get
up on the bunks here.

I'll take the baby.

Get up on the bunks and play.

Come here, Charlie.

Come on, get up here.

Way up on top, Charlie.

Way up on top.

Now get up there and play.

I just gotta get
the baby to bed.

Come here, Bobbie.

Come on, sweetheart.

Oh, Danny, Danny, come on.

Danny, come on,
get over in the bunks.

Please.

Let me get the baby to bed.

Oh, good heavens.

Now stay there and play
by yourselves, you hear?

Oh! Ooh, boy, those
brothers of yours.

Oh, good heavens. Hang on.

Oh!

Off we go and into our nightie.

Come on, darling.

Come on, sweetheart.

Oh, that's a good baby.

That's a baby.

Put your arm in there.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

I don't know about you.

I'm ready to go to bed.

Oh...

You haven't even
had your din-din yet.

You ready for your bottle?

Oh, turn around, honey.

That's it. I got
to fasten it here.

Put your head up.

That's a good baby.

Her's a good baby.

Her getting tired, isn't her?

Those brothers are so crazy.

Come on, sweetheart.

(groans)

Now, how about her bottle, huh?

How about our bottle?

Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now don't... Just take it easy

Just take it easy.

We're gonna sit down.

We're gonna rock...

and we're gonna have our bottle.

Okay.

(sighs)

Ooh!

(bell ringing)

Are you, are you supposed
to ride a bicycle in the house?

Are you sure
about that, Charlie?

Danny, are you sure?

(screeching)

Now, come here, come here.

Charlie, come he...

Charlie! Charlie, stop it!

Oh, boys, honestly!

- (Charlie, Danny screeching)
- Charlie, come here.

Oh, boys, please stick
that in your mouth, please?

Now, boys, you
mustn't fight like this.

(both chimps screech & hoot)

Danny, sit up here in the chair.

Danny! Charlie, leave him alone.

Oh, honestly! You keep that.

Charlie! Charlie!

Danny, get up here in the chair.

Let... Let go of Charlie.

Oh, boy.

Danny, will you get up there?

Charlie, shame on you.

Charlie.

Listen, you...

just get up there.

No, not with your hat.

Get over there at the table.

Get up there at the table.

Get over there in your chair.

You sit right down there.

(sighs heavily)

Danny, come over here.

Get up there in your chair.

And you sit down.

Put your hat on your head.

Stay where you are.

You hear me? I'm
gonna get your food.

(Charlie and Danny chattering)

Boys, please, stop it, please.

Here, here, here...

Look, food, food, food, food.

Oh, good heavens.

(sighs)

I don't know if
it's worth the $ .

All right.

(sighs)

Boy, you're something.

You're really
something, you three.

(sighs)

All right, finish,
finish, finish,

turn around, turn
around, sit up in the chair.

(sighs)

Leave your hat
on; you look better.

(sighs)

Listen, I forgot
I gotta burp you.

Bobbie, Bobbie,
you've got to be burped.

Bobbie, you can't
drink the whole thing.

Bobbie...

Oh... boy.

Bobbie, now, look,
it's either you or me.

Bobbie.

If you don't mind,
it's for the kid.

Eat yours alone.

(groans)

Here, open your mouth.

She's never gonna
let go of the bottle.

I might as well give it to you.

Chew for a while.

Bobbie, you gotta be burped,
kid; you gotta be burped.

Every baby has to be burped.

(grunts)

Now, wha... tut-tut-tut-tut.

Just a minute.

Now, up you go.

(sighing)

(Bobbie burps loudly)

That's a good girl,
that was a beauty.

Yeah, yeah, that was a beauty.

Listen, turn on the television.

Turn it on, see
what we got on there.

Leave it on, come on.

Wait, leave some, leave some.

Oh, Danny.

He ate it all up.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

MAN (on TV): Do you love me?

Do you love me?

WOMAN (on TV): I love you, dear,

but I can't leave my husband.

MAN: Why not?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Charlie,
turn it off, turn it off, Charlie.

You're too young
for Peyton Place.

(sighs)

Look, you've gotta go to sleep.

You know, it's way
past your bedtimes, too.

I haven't even got
the baby to sleep yet.

All right, now listen, behave
yourselves, behave yourselves.

I'm going over here
and sing to the baby.

Oh, Bobbie, you
gotta go to sleep.

You just gotta go
to sleep, sweetheart.

You just gotta go...
Boys, please, please.

Charlie, come here.
Charlie, come here.

Charlie, Charlie,
Charlie, come here.

I don't want you
riding that now.

Come here.

Now, you stay
right here, sit down.

Now just stay
there for a second.

You hear me?

- (Charlie hoots)
- Just stay there.

♪ Rock-a-bye,
baby, on the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock ♪

♪ When the bough breaks ♪

- (blowing raspberries)
- ♪ The cradle will fall... ♪

Is that a commentary
on my singing?

What do you mean by that?

- (blowing raspberries) -Look,
a Barbra Streisand I'm not.

♪ When the bough
breaks, the cradle will fall ♪

♪ And down will come
baby, cradle and... ♪

All right, all right, you don't
want me to sing, I'll play.

I'll play... All
right, you got it,

I got your message,
kid, come on.

Oh, boy.

Whee.

(playing lullaby on organ)

(shrieking)

Oh, come on now.

(continues playing)

(clicking tongue)

(squeaking lips)

- (stops playing)
- All right, Charlie,

you think you can do
any better, you play.

Bobbie, I wish
you'd go to sleep.

(skillfully playing jaunty tune)

Well, Charlie,
that was wonderful.

(grunting)

Oh, not gin again.

Oh, for...

Listen, all right, we've had it.

Now, come on, you two boys.

Oh, fellas, now stop it.

Goodness, I never
saw such goings-on.

Will you stop the
monkey business?

Oh, watch it, Lucy,
you're cracking up.

Will you two stop it?

Hey, Danny, will you
go outside, please?

Danny, Charlie.

(Danny and Charlie
screech, growl and hoot)

Charlie, get out
there... Wash up.

Go on out there and wash up.

Oh, fellas... come here!

Boys, will you get
outside and wash up?

Charlie... now, stop it.

(Danny and Charlie
screeching angrily)

Bobbie, get back in that bed.

(screeching continues)

Get in the bed.

Oh, honestly, will you
get out there and wash up?

Come here, Danny.

Will you sit down?

Danny, come here.

Come here.

What's the matter with you?

Get outside.

Now wash up.

(sighs)

Now, you're going
to bed, young lady.

You're going to get right
down there in that bed right now.

Do you hear me?

It's way past your bedtime.

Now lie down.

What are you doing?

What...?

Oh, oh.

Is her saying her prayers?

Aw...

(chattering)

Oh, what a darling little baby.

She said her prayers.

Yes, her said her prayers.

Now we go to sleep.

(toy g*ns popping)

(Lucy speaking indistinctly)

I just got the baby down.

What, are you trying to play
cowboys and Indians, fellas?

That's just...

Oh, boys...

Boys, please.

Come on now, please.

Danny, Charlie.

Get down out of that tree.

Get down out of
that tree, Charlie.

Charlie, for heaven's sake.

You've got to go to
bed, do you understand?

Danny, come here.

Charlie, get down
out of that tree.

Do you hear me?

You have to go to bed.

I... Charlie, come here.

Charlie, come here.

Come on, Charlie.

(Charlie chattering excitedly)

Oh, honestly.

No, Danny, you
don't sleep in this bed.

You don't...

Charlie, will you
get out of the tree?

Charlie.

Danny, come on now, come on now,

you don't sleep in this bed.

(Danny hooting)

Honestly, let go of the baby.

(screeching)

Charlie, will you get
down out of that tree?

You've got to go to bed.

Now, come on.

Come on now.

Charlie, Charlie, please
get down out of the tree.

Boys.

I promised your mother
that I'd have you in bed.

Do you understand?

You've got to go to bed.

(door opens)

What are you doing there?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I tried to get them to bed.

Oh, oh, don't apologize.

You're better than any
babysitter we've had.

You're still here.

Yes, you're still here.

As a matter of fact, I
want my sister to meet you.

She's having a lot of trouble
getting a sitter for her baby.

Oh. I-Is her baby a monkey, too?

Of course not.

You can see for yourself.

Hey, sis, come on in.

Bring the baby with you.

(Charlie screeching)

(elephant trumpeting)

Martha! How are ya?

(Martha trumpets)