05x19 - Lucy Meets the Law

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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05x19 - Lucy Meets the Law

Post by bunniefuu »

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Oh, boy, that's the
biggest sale I ever went to.

Oh, what a mob.

Yeah, I never saw such shoving
and pushing in my whole life.

Shove, shove, shove,
push, push, push,

and some of the women
still wouldn't let me through.

(laughs)

What's so funny?

Whoever said women
were the "weaker sex"

never went shopping with us.

(chuckles) That's for sure.

Gee, I wish that bus would come.

I'm so tired.

Yeah, you know, they had

some marvelous
bargains there today, Lucy.

They sure did... that's why
I wanted to go to that store.

You know, I have
to be very careful

of every penny that I spend.

Well, how come, then, you
bought three steam irons?

Well, when they're
marked down like that,

you have to take advantage
of it, for heaven's sake.

At that price,
they were a steal.

Lucy, what are you going
to do with three steam irons?

Well, you never know when two
of 'em are going to break down.

Oh, that's the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard of.

Well, you know, you should talk.

Last week you bought a
-pound sack of dog food.

Oh, well, that was half-price.

You don't even have a dog.

I might get one someday.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Want a bite?

- MARY JANE: Oh, no, honey, I'm on a diet.
- You are?

Yeah, I've been on a
diet for a couple of weeks.

- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.

For heaven's sake.

- Now, Lucy...
- What?

You did it again.

I did what again?

You threw paper on the sidewalk.

Oh, that.

Listen, you do
that all the time.

The other day you threw
peanut shells all over the street.

You know, you could
get arrested for that.

- I could get arrested?!
- Yes!

Of course, you
know it's very serious.

That's against the "Keep
America Beautiful" campaign.

You might have
committed a federal offense.

A federal offense?!

I just hope nobody saw you.

Oh, for heaven's
sake, I'd better get it.

- (quietly): Lucy!
- What?

Policemen.

- Policemen?
- Yeah.

Do you think they
saw what I did?

I don't know.

- Mary Jane, promise me something.
- What?

If anything happens,
save yourself.

Pretend you don't know me.

Lucy, I can't do that!

Promise me.

Oh, I promise.

Uh, excuse me, lady,

uh, does that, uh,
bag belong to you?

I beg your pardon, sir.

Are-Are you addressing me?

Yes, madam, I
was addressing you.

Does that bag belong to you?

Well, yes, as a
matter of fact, it does.

Oh, okay, sister,
it's all over. Let's go.

I beg your pardon. Go where?

You can cut that innocent act.
Do you have any identification?

Well, I have a little birthmark,

but I'm certainly not
gonna show it to a stranger.

I just don't go around
showing it to strangers.

Let me see your
driver's license.

I don't have a driver's license.

I don't even have a car.

What's your name?

Lucille Carmichael.

Lucille Carmichael. Ha!

Phony name if I ever heard one.

It is not a phony name!

Lucille Carmichael is
my real name, isn't it?

Tell him what my name is!

Lady, I never saw
you before in my life.

But, uh...

Are you coming along quietly
or do we have to get tough?

Well, if you feel
that way about it.

Imagine making a federal
offense over a little thing like this.

- I'll take care of that.
- Oh, thank you.

Holy smoke, sister, what
have you got in here?

Well, three steam irons and...

My, my you have had a busy day.

Like to...

Like to do things in
a big way, don't ya?

Well, not really, but
they were such a steal.

Come on, lady, let's go.

- All right. -Come on!

- All right! -Keep going!

And, Lieutenant, we're sure
that this Carmichael dame is

the redheaded shoplifter that's
been pulling all these big jobs.

We caught her with
the stuff right on her.

Those pearls were
in her shopping bag.

Okay, bring her in.

Bring her in, Miller.

Hi!

Hi.

Your name is Carmichael?

Lucille Carmichael, yes.

Lucille is spelled with two L's,

three if you
count the first one.

- Officers Peters and Miller.
- Uh-huh.

My name is Lieutenant Finch.

Well, I'm very
happy to meet you all.

And you have no idea how
happy we are to meet you.

Oh, thank you.

Won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you.

Now, just to get
off on the right foot,

it is my duty to inform you

that anything you say
will be held against you.

Oh, yes, sir.

And that you have a right to
legal counsel, if you so desire.

Oh, no, I don't think
that's necessary.

It isn't that big a thing.

Oh?

Well, suppose we
all just settle back

and you tell us
what you did today.

(chuckling): Oh, well,

now, that's not gonna
be very entertaining.

We'll find it fascinating.

Oh, well, okay,
where shall I start?

Why don't we start with
the beginning... this morning.

This morning... well, let's
see now, I got up early,

about a quarter
of : , I think.

Maybe it was ten of.

Yeah, about of : , I think.

And I read the paper...

I always read the
paper every morning...

And I saw this ad for
this marvelous sale.

And I just love sales.

So I called Mary Jane...

Uh-uh, uh... who's Mary Jane?

Uh... she's my cat.

Do you often phone your cat?

Oh, yes, always, always,
when she's away from home.

I always call her and I say,
"What's new, pussycat?"

Well, let's, let's forget
the feline phone calls.

Tell us about this
sale you went to.

Oh, well, as I
say, I love sales.

And, well, I'm the sort of
person who just cannot resist

picking up a few things.

We can imagine.

So, just like that, you
decided to go shopping.

Oh, yes, I do it all the time.

Especially when I don't
feel like going to the bank.

Bank?

Yeah, that bank job
gets so monotonous.

We'll talk about
the bank job later.

- Oh.
- PETERS: Yeah.

Right now, we'd like to
hear about your shopping.

All right, but why?

Lady, when you've been
shopping, word gets around.

Oh, I didn't know that!

Well, you better
believe it, sister.

- Well...
- So you went shopping,

and you picked up a few things.

Well, more than a
few, more than a few.

There were, let's see
now, three steam irons,

a little bottle of cologne,
a pair of curtains,

two pair of curtains, and, uh,

ooh, I found a
new eyelash curler

and, uh, a floor lamp.

Floor lamp?!

Where was that?
It wasn't in the bag.

Well, of course not.

You just can't walk out
carrying a floor lamp.

It's being delivered.

By the store?

Certainly.

Boy, what nerve!

You shop pretty good. (laughs)

Well, thank you.

It isn't easy.

With a crowd around like that,
you have to be fast... pshew!

Well, that takes care
of the preliminaries.

Now to the main event.

I beg your pardon?

The reason you're here.

Oh, that.

Oh, well, as a matter of fact,

I'd, I'd like a chance
to explain that.

Would you really?

Yes, you see, uh, I'm...

I'm really not that
kind of person.

I... (laughs) I just
wasn't thinking.

You mean you had
a mental aberration?

Uh, uh, I could
have had that, yeah.

(mouthing)

Now, Carmichael, let's level.

You've been doing stuff like
this all over town, haven't you?

Well, I don't know about that.

I... I-I don't remember, I...

You don't remember?

You're just not
talking, are you?

Well, who remembers
things like that?

Do you remember
every time you drop

a gum wrapper on the sidewalk?

I don't chew gum!

Do you?

Look, let me
refresh your memory.

About six weeks ago, you were
on Western Avenue, weren't you?

Western Avenue?

That's right... fur shop.

There was a sable
cape in the window.

Remember a sable cape?

Well, uh, Western
Avenue, West...

Sometimes I go
down Melrose and I...

Oh, Western, oh, now I remember.

Oh, yeah... peanuts,
that's what it was... peanuts.

- Peanuts?
- Yeah.

I finished it off
and just... pshtt!

Didn't even think about it.

I admit it, I admit it, but
it was just a little bag.

A little bag?!

Lady, in our book,
that's a big bag.

That cost somebody $ , .

Well, I don't understand that.

Oh, not much you don't.

I gotta admit, Carmichael,
you are really something.

She's the coolest cookie
I ever saw, Lieutenant.

Yeah, she's a real criminal
type... no conscience, no nerves.

You better get
yourself a good lawyer.

You're going to need one.

Well, gee whiz,
the way you talk,

you'd think I committed
a robbery or something.

A robbery? You?

Heaven forbid.

Well, I don't see why I
can't just pay a little fine

- and go home.
- A little fine?

You'll be lucky if you get
off with less than ten years.

Ten years?!

It was only a chocolate covered
coconut caramel cream wrapper.

I think maybe we ought
to call in the psychiatrist.

So do I... he's nuts.

Now, I can explain, if
you'll just give me a chance.

You can explain it to the judge.

- Get her out of here!
- PETERS: Come on, sister!

I never heard of
such a thing in my life.

Ten years, for heaven's sake.

Get in there.

Hey, Hogan.

What do you want, Tinker Bell?!

You got company.

Why do you always dump
all the garbage in on me?!

What do you want?

Well, uh, please, may-maybe
I could have a private room?

A private room, dearie?

Well, next time, why
don't you call in advance

for a reservation?

We'll give you a
nice room with a view.

But I don't think I'm
very welcome here.

Aw... you're as welcome
as the flowers in May.

But she sounds so tough.

She is tough.

And you better be tough,
too, or she'll crush you

like a marshmallow.

Now get in there.

That's my pillow.

What are you in for, kid?

Don't call me "kid."

Okay, what's your handle?

LUCY: "Steel
Knuckles" Carmichael.

My friends call me Knuck.

Okay, Knuck, whatcha in for?

Just getting rid of some paper.

Oh, passing
counterfeit moola, huh?

What?

(laughs)

Hey, you're in the
big leagues, kid.

I said don't call me kid.

Oh, I'm sorry, Muck.

It's not Muck, it's Knuck!

Okay, Knuck.

Gee, don't get so excited.

All right.

Boy...

what a crummy joint this is.

Oh, I don't know.

This pad ain't bad.

I been in a lot worse.

Yeah.

What's your handle?

Hard Head Hogan.

Hard Head?

How did you ever
get a name like that?

I'm a bouncer in a beer hall.

I butt 'em with my head.

I get 'em right
about here... butt!

Out they go like a light.

Yeah, I can see why.

It's a natural talent.

Had it since I was a kid.

I guess you was
just born lucky, huh?

Ah, it's got its drawbacks.

I got a tough time
keeping my hair curled.

But then, everybody's
got problems.

Yeah, well, that's one
way of looking at it.

What are you in for?

as*ault and battery.

Oh?

Yeah, it was all a
misunderstanding.

Sure. Sure it was.

I was framed.

Sure you was.

I've been having a little
trouble with my eyes lately.

Oh?

I butted a guy the other
night, and instead of him going

out the door, I put him
right through the wall.

No kidding?

Yeah, it was messy.

But a perfectly
innocent mistake.

Sure. Sure it was.

You know something, Hard Head?

What?

Uh... I'd like a nice
hot cup of coffee.

I'll just ring for room service.

What's all the racket in here?

Tinker Bell, my roommate
would like a nice hot cup of coffee.

But of course...

And would madam like
sugar and cream in her coffee?

Well, a little
cream, but no sugar.

I'll take saccharine,
because I've been on a diet,

and I wouldn't want
to put on a little...

Aw, shut up!

Boy, the nerve of her.

I'll tell you one thing, if she
does bring me my coffee,

I ain't gonna give her no tip.

(cackling)

Hey, you know,
you're all right, Cluck.

Not Cluck, Knuck!

Okay, Knuck.

But I like your style.

I'm glad you like my style.

I think you and me are
gonna go great together.

Yeah?

Now, listen...

I'm gonna let you
in on something.

What?

Stay here.

I figured out a way
to b*at this rap.

They don't call me
Hard Head for nothing.

I got it all mapped out.

I'm bustin' outta here.

Doing a bird.

You mean...

You mean you're
gonna try to escape?

Now ya got it, kid.

Yeah, I got it. And
don't call me kid.

Oh, I'm sorry, Knuck.

No, it's not Knuck, it's Cluck!

No, Knuck, that's right.

Well, Knuck... Okay.

Now, here's the way
we're gonna do it.

- We? What do you mean "we"?
- You and me.

What do you think
I've been talking about?

We're partners.

Now, here's the plan.

As soon as Tinkle
Bell comes in here,

I'm going to butt her
in the breadbasket,

and bounce her
right off that wall.

And then you
and me will bird it...

right outta here!

How do you like that?

Well, um, Hard Head,
if you don't mind,

I'd like to think about
it a little bit, you know.

What's to think?

- Well, I...
- We're partners, remember?

- Yeah, but...
- Honey,

you don't argue with Hard Head.

Well, I... Ah!

Right over here.

Lieutenant Finch,
I can't tell you...

I mean, I just can't
tell you what it means

to have these pearls
returned to my jewelry store.

You've done a magnificent job.

Well, save the compliments.

Can you recall what happened?

Well, I was showing
these pearls to a client,

and I left them on the counter,

when this redheaded
creature walked in.

I thought she was just browsing,

but when I turned my
back for just a moment,

she swooped up the
pearls and was gone!

I mean, pfft!

That sounds
like her, all right...

The slickest shoplifter in town.

We've been after her for months.

Now, would you know
her if you saw her again?

Oh, I most certainly would.

The incident is indelibly
impressed on my mind.

I shall remember
that face for years!

That red hair.

Good! Good! Matron, bring
in the girls for the lineup.

Okay, come on,
girls, step lively.

Come on. Pick 'em up.

Get over here.

FINCH: Face the front.

All right, Mr. Trindle,
all we need

is a positive identification.

Just pick her out.

Well?

Uh... I'm not sure.

Never in a thousand years, huh?

Well, I didn't anticipate
so many redheads.

What did you figure on,
a bunch of Yul Brynners?

All right, Mr. Trindle...
which one?

Well, Lieutenant,
it's very difficult.

These girls are all
so innocent-looking.

Innocent?

Most of these babes
would make Ma Barker

look like a Campfire Girl.

Well, I can't help that.

The woman I saw was
much tougher-looking.

All right, girls, look
tough for Mr. Trindle.

Real tough.

Yes! That's the one!

I'd never forget in
a thousand years.

That's the one! That's her!

FINCH: Step forward, queenie.

The rest of you debutantes,
back to your penthouses.

MATRON: All right,
come on. Let's go.

Come on!

You're nominated, queenie.

Well, what am I nominated for?

"Miss Light
Fingers of the Year."

Oh, that! I can explain that.

Are you the head of the "Keep
America Beautiful" Campaign?

Because I can
explain everything.

You can explain it in my
office. Get her in there.

Now, just a minute,
just a minute!

I know my rights... My
Constitutional rights.

I-I-I'm entitled to
make one phone call.

Oh, you're gonna call
your lawyer, I suppose.

No, my manicurist. I want
to cancel my appointment.

Oh, come on!

Well, I didn't know I was
gonna be here so long!

PETERS: Well...

we've got a strong
case against you now.

You were positively identified.

Picked out of a lineup
by a reliable witness.

You could make it a
lot easier on yourself

by signing a confession.

A confession, for a
little thing like that?

That's the silliest
thing I ever heard of.

- Boss?
- Yeah?

There are some people
out here to see the prisoner.

Who are they?

I don't know.

- MR. MOONEY: Uh, I don't know...
- Mr. Mooney!

Mrs. Carmichael!

What in the world...?

Lucy! Lucy, are you all right?

What's it to you?

I never saw you before
in my life, Mary Jane.

Mary Jane?!

So this is the pussycat
you made the phone call to.

All right, Mooney, what's
your connection with her?

Mrs. Carmichael
happens to work for me.

PETERS: Hey, Lieutenant,
this looks like a regular g*ng.

He must be the big boss.

Boss? g*ng!?

What's he talking about?

What... Would you please
explain what's going on here?

Yes, sir. Well,
it all started with

a chocolate covered coconut
caramel cream wrapper.

There she goes again.

She's being booked
for grand larceny.

- Grand larceny?
- Grand larceny?

Grand larceny?

That's right, Little Sir Echo!

Mr. Mooney, you know Lucy
never stole anything in her life.

Well, that's true.

She is not dishonest.

Oh, she's incompetent,
scatter-brained, bungling,

inefficient, disorganized,
incoherent and stupid!

But she is not dishonest!

Thank you, Mr. Mooney.

Thank you for
sticking up for me.

Look, Mooney, there's
no question about it.

- We caught her with the goods.
- What goods?

Well, to begin with,
she was walking around

with three steam
irons in her bag.

FINCH: Now does that
sound normal to you?

For her, yes.

Of course, I've never
been able to explain it.

Oh, well, listen, I
can explain that.

You just stand there,
pussycat, and purr quietly.

But I didn't steal anything.

Can't I get anyone
to believe that?

No, but you'll have
a long time to try.

She'll be out of
circulation for ten years.

Ten years?

(crying)

Well, now, Mrs. Carmichael,
don't you worry about a thing.

We will get you the
best lawyers in town.

In your case, we will have
no difficulty proving insanity.

(crying loudly)

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,

oh, now, there, there,
there, there, don't cry.

It's all right for you
to say not to cry

'cause you don't have
anything to cry about.

But suppose it was your wife

that was being sent
away for ten years.

This is no time
for wishful thinking.

Now, sir, I want you to know
I'm an important man in this city...

- Boss!
- What do you want?

Hold everything... You
got the wrong dame.

FINCH: What do you mean,
I've got the wrong dame?

This is the redhead
who stole the pearls.

She just signed a confession.

Okay, Miller, book her.

Well, Miss Carmichael,

it seems that there's been
a slight misunderstanding.

Well, there certainly has been.

- Can I go now?
- Oh, yes! Yes!

- Thank you.
- Well, I don't know what...

- Go on, get in there.
- Hard Head, what happened?

Well, when I butted Tinker
Bell in the breadbasket,

she bounced me off the wall.

Aw...

Well, you can't
win 'em all, honey.

Well, anyway, you got
your private room back.

I just got sprung.

Oh, gee, I'm gonna
miss you, Cluck.

Not Cluck, Knuck.

Knuck! Knuck!

Can't you say Knuck?

- Knuck. Knuck.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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