05x20 - Lucy the Fight Manager

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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05x20 - Lucy the Fight Manager

Post by bunniefuu »

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Yes, dear.

No, I've already told you
I can't get home tonight.

Business is
business, lambie-pie.

No, I can't possibly
postpone that appointment.

I got 'em.

Here are your tickets
for the ball game tonight.

Tickets?

Who said anything
about a ball game?

Why, that's the
most insulting thing

that anyone has ever called me.

Oh, is that Mrs. Mooney?
Tell her I said hello.

All right.

All right, if you can't
believe your own husband,

I have no alternative but
to hang up on you, Irma.

Irma?

Irma? Irma?!

(muttering)

Oh, you, you...!

Me? What'd I do?

You have just turned my home
into a split-level penitentiary.

Mr. Mooney, your
wife will forgive you.

After all, this isn't the first
time she caught you lying.

If you want my advice...

Mrs. Carmichael,
my life with Irma

is none of your
wretched business.

It's my wretched business.

I'll handle Irma.

I was just going to say it
would be easier to apologize

if you say it with flowers.

What I have to say to Irma
can't be said with flowers.

A flower pot, maybe,

but not flowers.

Remember last time.

If it's not flowers today,
it'll be a fur coat tomorrow.

You know, we haven't
had any fresh flowers

in our living room
for a long time.

Any special kind
you'd like for her?

Yes. Poison ivy.

- (knocking)
- Come in.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Eddie.

Come on in.

Oh, Mrs. Mooney's flowers.

Yes. Do you like them?

Oh, they're beautiful.

Eddie, you really are an artist.

You know something?

These are pretty
enough to be artificial.

Oh, thank you.

I guess you love
flowers as much as I do.

Yeah, yeah, that's
because I used to live

over a funeral parlor.

I got started by growing
plants on my windowsill.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but there was always
some kid on the block I had to fight.

And there was always
some guy calling me a sissy.

Yeah, well, I'll
bet those bullies

would be good and jealous

if they could see the
beautiful work you do now.

Aw, now, I'm just a
glorified delivery boy.

Well, you won't be after you
buy the shop from your boss.

Oh, that's all off.

I can't get the $ ,
for the down payment.

Oh, Eddie, oh, I'm
sorry to hear that.

Well, I'll just have
to tell Mr. Finley

to sell the place
to somebody else.

He can't sell it
to anybody else.

Tell him how much
it means to you.

Mr. Finley wants cash.

Where's a pug like me
gonna raise , bucks?

Mr. Mooney.

What do you want?

Oh.

- Oh, Mr. Mooney.
- Eddie Rickles.

- Put up your dukes.
- Oh, oh, oh!

You don't have to defend
me, Mr. Mooney. He's a friend.

Mrs. Carmichael, I am well
aware of who Eddie Rickles is.

I saw you knock
out Joey Mitchell

at Madison Square
Garden in .

You remember that fifth round?

Oh, boy, he thought
he had you trapped,

but you back-pedaled,
then you feinted

with your left and you surprised
him with that uppercut, pow.

You never had a more loyal
fan than Theodore J. Mooney.

Thank you, Mr. Mooney.

"Ted" to you.

Why, Eddie, I didn't know
you were a famous prize fighter.

Ah, that was a long time ago.

Ah, you were my
kind of boxer, Eddie.

And you're his
kind of banker, Ted.

"Ted" to him, "Mr.
Mooney" to you.

Oh, yes, sir.

Let's tell him the
good news, Eddie.

Uh, Eddie's going into
business for himself.

Well, congratulations,
buddy boy.

Uh, where's the
saloon going to be?

What said anything
about a saloon?

Mrs. Carmichael,
anyone familiar with sports

knows that baseball
players open bowling alleys

and boxers open saloons.

Yeah, well, not Eddie.

Oh?

I'm a florist.

Ah, you're wise.

And he's going to
buy his own shop.

And you're smart.

And you're going to give
him the $ , to do it.

And you're nuts.

But Mr. Mooney...

Mrs. Carmichael, the bank can't
lend money to just any stranger

who wanders in off the streets.

Stranger?!

You-You just said he's
your old buddy, remember?

And all he needs is $ , .

Don't be a cheapskate.

Mrs. Carmichael, I'm acting
in the best interest of the bank.

So, don't call me a cheapskate.

Well, you said you were
Eddie's most loyal fan.

Why don't you loan
him the money?

Now you can call
me a cheapskate.

Oh, don't feel bad, Eddie.

Mr. Mooney will only
loan money to people

who don't need the loan.

That's all right.

I guess I was too crazy to even
think I could own my own shop.

Oh, now, Eddie, don't give up.

Nothing is impossible.

, bucks...
that's impossible.

- (sighs)
- Boy...

Just think of it... Ah,
when I used to fight

I used to get that
much for one bout.

You got $ , for one fight?

Wow!

Eddie, do you really
want that florist shop?

Sure, I do.

Then you're going
to fight again.

Oh, no, I... I can't
fight anymore.

- No...
- Why not?

Why, the way Mr. Mooney
raved about you,

you must be terrific.

Oh, I-I used to be,
but I'm past my prime

and I haven't been
in training for years.

So, you'll start training again.

All you need is one fight
and you'll have your $ , .

Are you kidding?

To get $ , in one fight,

you gotta fight somebody
with a big name.

Like Sandy Koufax?

Sandy Koufax isn't a boxer.

No?

I heard Mr. Mooney say
that nobody can hit him.

Well, all right,
who is a big name?

Well, there's a kid
that packs 'em in

by the name of Sonny Shaw.

Well then, Sonny
Shaw better watch out.

For what?

- For us.
- For us?

We are going to
fight Sonny Shaw.

That's a good boy. That's it.

Keep it up, that's it.

Keep your head to
the left. That's good.

Fine, yeah, great, great.

Yeah, that's it.

(stammers)

Excuse me, Nick.

Hey, kid, uh, why don't
you cool off a while, huh?

Since when do they let dames
around here during training?

Nick, that ain't no dame.
That's Sonny's tomato.

- Oh, that's different.
- Yeah.

Come here.

I just bet five big
ones on Sonny.

TRAINER: Don't worry, Nick,
your , clams is in the bank.

To hear you talk, you'd think
the kid was the Manassa Mauler.

Well, he ain't exactly
Jack Dempsey,

but the kid got what it takes.

He's got fast hands, good
wind and a lot of class.

You better be right, Louie.

Nick.

Hey, Louie,

what's the redheaded
dame doing here?

(working-class
accent): I ain't no dame.

I'm, uh... I'm Eddie
Rickles' tomato.

I come to talk to Sonny Shaw.

Well, I'm Sonny
Shaw's manager, lady.

What do you want
to talk to him about?

Uh, well, uh, Eddie Rickles
is gonna make a comeback

and it's got to be
against Sonny Shaw.

That's what I'm
here to talk about.

You mean you would
put Eddie Rickles

in the same ring
with Sonny Shaw?

Of course, we'd want a
guarantee of three big ones.

What?!

That comes to ,
oysters... clams.

Yeah, yeah, I know
what it comes to.

Now look, lady, I couldn't
do a thing like that to Eddie.

Why, he's all washed up.

Eddie is not washed up.

He's still got... got quick
hands and light fingers,

and real class,
and a lotta wind.

Oh, yeah?

Well, just leave me
show you something.

Hey, Sonny,

come here a minute, will ya?

Now, I want you should show
the lady what great shape you're in.

Okay, lady, punch
Sonny in the stomach.

Are you kidding?

I don't go around
punching men in public.

Go ahead, he can take it.

Okay.

Ow.

(groans)

Huh? What did I tell you, huh?

Now, if you was to punch
Eddie like that, he'd fall apart.

Yeah, well, I'm not
going to be the one

who's punching Eddie, Sonny is.

I'm sorry, lady.

Now, maybe if Eddie
trains a few months,

I might come take a look at him.

Well, they'll sell the
flower shop by then.

What?

I mean, uh, tr-tr-training.

If it's, uh... if training is
all you're worried about,

Eddie's been training all along.

I ain't noticed him
around the gym.

Oh, well, uh, you
see, he's been,

uh, at a private training camp.

Oh, you should see him.

He's strong enough to
b*at the Manassa Mauler.

The Manassa Mauler?

That's Dempsey. Jack Dempsey.

I know who that is, yeah.

Huh...

Maybe I ought to come with
you and take a look at Eddie.

Oh, no, no, no. I'll bring
him down here to see you.

When?

Uh, uh, about three weeks.

Say, uh, what training
camp's he at, Lefty Lattimer's?

No, uh, k*ller Carmichael's.

...

...

...

Is it time to quit yet?

No, you can't quit. You've
got to do your road work.

(groans)

...

Lucy, this is my
first day in training.

Give me a break, please.

It takes laps around
that couch to make a mile.

Now get going.

(groans)

...

The couch gets longer
each time around.

...

(gasping)

...

. That's a mile.

(bell rings)

What was that?

Time for your knee bends.

Knee bends? No, I can't.

- Come on, come on, Eddie.
- I can't, Lucy.

- Please, I can't.
- Eddie, please.

- We have to do knee bends now.
- I can't with knee bends.

Now, come on, Eddie, every
day we have to do our knee bends

and tighten up these
muscles, remember?

- Oh, muscles are tight.
- Okay, hands on your hips.

- Hands on your hi...
- Down you go.

One...

very slowly,
straighten your back.

- (mutters) -Straighten your
back. Hold your head up, Eddie.

Two, three. Down all the way.

- You're making a guy crazy.
- Straighten your back, Eddie.

Now, come on, you
know how to train.

Come on. Four...

and up and five...

(moans)

Eddie, Eddie, listen to me.

Now listen, you have got to
work up to knee bends a day.

No, I can't, there's no way.

- (bell dinging)
- (sighs)

- What was that?
- That's the dishwasher.

That's our signal
for your weigh-in.

Get on the scale.

Oh...

Here, hold these.

Books?

Yeah, the scales are off,
but it comes out exactly right

if you hold The Decline
and Fall of the Roman Empire


and Aunt Fanny's Cookbook.

Let's see.

pounds?

Oh, Eddie, that will never do.

No good. No good.

I, I gotta get rid
of this spare tire.

Spare tire?

That's not rubber,
that's blubber.

(buzzer sounds)

(stammers)
Somebody's at the door.

No, no, no, it's the timer
on the washing machine.

That means you gotta jump
rope, and my laundry is done.

Oh, no!

- Gotta jump. Eddie!
- No skipping rope.

Oh, no. Forget it.

- Eddie, come on. Where's your pep?
- I...

I got no more
pep. It's all poop.

- Oh, Eddie.
- I can't jump.

Come on. Sure you can!

You just make a
game of it. Now watch!

I can't.

"A" my name is Lucy,
and I come from Albatoosie

where I sell onions!

I never learned any...

Just jump to the words.

No, sir, I never learned
those jumping poems.

That's it. I can't.

Come on, Eddie,
I'll jump with you.

I can't. Oh, please, Lucy.

Now you're gonna
have to get with it, Eddie,

or you'll never make it.

- Please, Lucy.
- Now, now, get in... get in position.

- I'm in position.
- I'll jump with you.

- I can't.
- Yes, you can, Eddie. Yes, you can.

- Are you ready?
- I hope so.

January, February, April, May.

Do your jump rope every day.

Listen to what your parents say.

And you'll be a great
big boy someday. Janu...

- (phone rings) -The bell,
the bell, where's the bell?

All right, never mind the
bell. It's the telephone.

You keep jumping.

(Eddie mutters)

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Mooney.

Uh, no, sir, no, sir, I can't
come to work tomorrow either.

Well, I'm too sick.

I have the jumps. I
mean the mumps.

Mr. Mooney, I'm not
allowed to leave my bed.

I can't see anybody,
and I can't go anywhere.

Yes, sir. Good-bye, sir.

- Lucy...
- Eddie, what are you doing?

- Look at this!
- What?

This plant has a
bad case of root rot.

Oh, never mind the root
rot. You're in training, Eddie.

But Lucy, if you don't
root out the root rot,

the whole plant
will turn rotten.

We'll root out
the root rot later!

Good heavens, Eddie, if you
want to ever have your florist shop,

you're gonna have
to forget about flowers.

(groans)

Now, right now all you
gotta think about is fighting,

fighting, fighting,
fighting! You understand?

Now listen, I believe in you,
Eddie. You're my kind of boy.

And this fight with Shaw
can mean a lot to you:

your picture in the paper,

your name on
thousands of posters!

Why, maybe one day they'll
even name a-a stadium after you!

I don't want that stuff anymore.

Well, you want your
florist shop, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, okay, then. Put these on.

Now you have to
keep punching this bag

until the dishwasher
finishes its drying cycle.

- I'll try not to let you down.
- All right.

You know, I can teach
you everything I know,

but the rest is up to you.

Now get in there
and start punching.

(grunting)

All right, a little harder.

Harder! Harder!

Well, Eddie, things
are looking up.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

Don't apologize. It's been
years since I've fallen for a man.

Oh, yeah, Mary Jane,
you should see Eddie.

And you should see
that left jab of his now.

Yeah, and he's
down to pounds.

That's his fighting weight.

(laughs) He's really
been getting the feel of it

these last few days.
Hey, I gotta hang up now.

Eddie's due any
minute, and besides,

I don't want the phone to be
busy if Mr. Mooney should call.

Yeah, he thinks I'm too sick
to get out of bed and answer it.

Bye.

(buzzer sounds)

Come on in, champ!

Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Carmichael, would
you tell me why you have

a volleyball hanging
in your living room?

Oh, well, um, I-I saw an article
in a magazine about pop art,

and it was called, uh, uh...

"Creative Decorating
Hints With Volleyballs."

Do you like it?

No. I thought you were
supposed to be deathly ill.

How are your mumps?

Oh, they're swell. I
mean, the swelling's gone.

Uh, I found out it
wasn't the mumps.

What was it?

It turned out to be root rot.

The whole room
looks like it had root rot.

Oh, well, I wasn't
expecting company.

Well, this isn't a social call.

Oh.

Now, do you remember
that fellow from the florist?

Uh, what fellow?

Uh, eh... Rickles, Rickles.

Pickles? Pickles?

Not Pickles, Rickles. Rickles!

Not Pickles,
Rickles. No, I don't...

Oh? Well, I have been trying
to reach him everywhere,

and he has disappeared.

- I don't remember him at all.
- (door buzzer sounds)

Mrs. Carmichael,
the-the front door.

Oh, I already bought my
Girl Scout cookies, little girl!

Go away!

How did you know
that was a Girl Scout?

Oh, I can tell by the way
they ring the doorbell.

Oh. Huh...

(door buzzer sounds)

Now about this Rickles, I was...

(buzzer sounds)

Go on. I'm listening.

(buzzer sounds)

Uh, well, I want you to
call every florist in town.

- You find, you find out...
- (buzzer sounds repeatedly)

All right, I'll buy the cookies!

Come in, little girl!

Oh!

Hi, Lucy!

Good boy. Good
morning. I'm right on time.

Hello, Mr. Mooney.
Boy, do I feel great!

I'm ready to work.

Didn't know where
Rickles was, eh?

What's he doing here?!

I'm letting Eddie work
out here, Mr. Mooney.

He's going to fight again.

Fight? Why should he do
a ridiculous thing like that?

Because he wants to buy
a florist shop, that's why.

And a certain cheapskate
wouldn't lend him the money.

Well, he doesn't have to
borrow any money now.

What do you mean?

Eddie, my boy, I have
good news for you.

I have just gotten
you a five-year contract

to be the head designer
for the flower show.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!
Eddie, did you hear that?

Sonny won't last
three rounds with me.

I'll destroy him!
That's what I'll do.

Pow! I'll tear him apart. Pow!

Eddie, Eddie, listen to me.

What Mr. Mooney is offering
you will make you famous,

the most famous
florist in California.

Are you kidding?

With these fists I'm gonna
be famous all over the world.

The cheering crowds,
my picture in the paper.

They'll idolize me,
the adoring mob.

And I owe it all
to you, manager.

Eddie, please listen
to reason, will you?

What about your flower shop?

That's for peasants.

You never heard of a sports
arena named after a florist.

Eddie, what's happened to you?

Something big.

You gave it to me, Lucy.

You gave me something
that every fighter needs:

the k*ller instinct!

She gave that to me years ago.

Pow!

Oh, boy, I turned a
florist into a monster.

Well, you better get
him to take that job!

Oh, what difference
does it make to you?

I'll tell you what
difference it makes to me.

My wife was so impressed
with the flowers you ordered,

she made me promise to
hire him for the flower show!

What's your wife got to
do with the flower show?

She's running it! That's
what she's got to do with it!

All right, all right.

You'd better get
him to take that job,

or Irma will destroy me!

I'll give you a tip, Teddy Boy,
don't bet your money on Shaw.

I'm gonna demolish him!

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll!

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll!
Sounds like Irma!

You'd better get him
to change his mind!

(loud muttering)

Oh!

Today I'm gonna do three
miles around the couch,

and then I'm gonna do an
extra minutes on the bag!

Pow-pow!

Boy, I'm a k*ller. Pow! Pow!

What I need is a
sparring partner.

From now on, it's gonna be

nothing but fighting,
fighting, fighting!

Eddie, will you listen
to me? Listen to reason!

Lick the world! That's
what I'm gonna do.

I can see it all now:

dames, foreign cars,
custom-made shirts,

front tables at nightclubs.

(humming a tune)

Pow-pow! Zoom, zoom! Pow!

Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!
Zoom, zoom, pow!

Pow-pow-pow!

(huffing)

Pow, pow! Zoom, zoom! Pow, pow!

Pow, pow! Zoom, zoom!

Boom! Boom! Pow-pow-pow!

(panting)

Boy, look at me, hard as a rock!

I was nuts to retire.

I got a lot of living to
do! That's what I got!

So, you've got a lot
of livin' to do, huh?

Well, put up your dukes!

- Put up my dukes?
- Yeah!

Are you kidding?

I can't use you as
a sparring partner.

What's the matter, you chicken?

You afraid I'll give you a fat
lip to go with your fat head?!

Hey, what is it with you?

I just want to show you
that you're washed up, Eddie.

You're a has-been.

You're even worse than
that, you're a never-was.

Now, just a second.

Yeah, just a second.

Get on there. Put up your dukes.

Look who wants to
fight Sonny Shaw!

You're even
afraid to fight a girl.

- Now cut that out!
- Yeah?

Ooh, you frighten me,
Eddie, you frighten me!

Oh, you're so tough, Eddie!

Eddie Rickles, World
Champion of the Chicken Division,

that's what you are.

Come on, put up your dukes!

Okay.

Ah, get your crummy hands
off me, you punchy palooka.

- Punchy palooka?
- Yeah!

I'll show you.

Go ahead, give me your best
punch right here on the button.

Is that where you want it?

That's it! And be careful
you don't hurt your hand.

Yeah, right on the button.

- Go ahead.
- Okay, Eddie.

(thud)

Oh, Eddie, Eddie, I
didn't mean to do it.

I didn't want to do it. I... I
hope I didn't hurt you, Eddie.

I just wanted you
to listen to reason.

Eddie? Oh, Eddie.

Eddie?

Eddie, Eddie, you're gonna
have to take some more aspirin.

Open your mouth.

You're gonna feel
better now, Eddie.

You're gonna feel
just fine, honey.

I'm gonna quit boxing
for good this time.

Imagine, I got a glass jaw.

Yeah, you're lucky
you found out in time.

(door buzzer sounds)

I got a glass jaw.

I can't believe it, a glass jaw.

Oh, it's a good thing you
got him to change his mind.

Eddie, my boy, let me be
the first to congratulate you.

You will never
regret taking this job.

Oh, don't thank
me. It-It was Lucy.

She's the one that made
me change my mind.

Oh?

Oh, well, all I did was
make him listen to reason.

Reason?! You!?

You never use reason
around the office.

Why don't you try a
little reason on me?

Gee, did I tell you?

You have to show up at
: tomorrow morning.

- Do you think he's gonna...?
- (thud)

Mr. Mooney! Mr. Mooney! Oh!

Mr. Mooney! Mr. Mooney!

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I'm sorry!

Oh!
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