06x02 - Lucy Gets Trapped

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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06x02 - Lucy Gets Trapped

Post by bunniefuu »

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

[WHISTLING]

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

You can relax,
Lucy, it's only me.

Oh, Mary Jane, I thought
it was Mr. Mooney.

I wanted him to
think I was working.

Yeah, well, you'll
never fool him that way.

- Why not?
- Haven't got paper in the typewriter.

Hey, did you see
this afternoon's paper?

- No, why?
- Stacy's Department Store

- is having a big sale.
- Really?

Ooh, wow.

- They're really having a sale.
- Everything's more than half off.

Yeah, half off. That bikini
on that model looks it.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that is a beauty. I'd
love to have that bikini.

Oh, Lucy, would you wear a
bikini like that on a public beach?

No, but I'd hang it on my clothes
line. That ought to get me some action.

[LAUGHING]

Gee, everything's on sale,
appliances, clothes, furniture.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

The sale is for one
day only, tomorrow.

- Well, so?
- So I have to work tomorrow.

Well, so do I, but I'm gonna
tell my boss I've got a toothache.

Why don't you tell Mr. Mooney
you have to go to the dentist?

No. I tried that a few times

and Mr. Mooney always insists
on going to the dentist with me.

- You're kidding.
- Yeah?

Yup, so far I've had three
perfectly good teeth pulled.

If I do it any more, I won't
have a tooth in my head.

Well, why don't you tell
him you've got the mumps.

Oh, no.

I've told him I'm sick too often.
He'd just never believe me.

He'd believe you

- if he saw you getting sick.
- What do you mean?

While you're working
this afternoon, act sick.

You know, moan,
groan, cry a little.

Well, that won't work. I do that every
week when he gives me my salary.

But, Lucy, if he sees you
getting sick right here in this office,

he'll insist that you go home.

Well, not Mr. Mooney.
He's not easy to fool.

He's a man, isn't he?

- Yeah.
- Well, then he's easy to fool.

If you play it smart. You
see, you don't say you're sick.

You just act sick.

And then when he suggests
you go home, you refuse.

- Refuse?
- Then when you refuse to go home,

- he'll insist you go home.
- He'll insist?

Believe me, when
Mr. Mooney sees you suffering,

he's got to sympathize with
you. After all, he's human.

Let's not make any
snap judgments.

- Well, it's worth a try.
- All right, I'll give it a try.

I really would love to go shopping.
You know, I need a new refrigerator.

What's the matter
with the one you got?

Well, you know it has the
capacity of cubic feet, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I got one foot of food

and feet of frost.

- Everything frosts up.
- Everything?

Yeah. Tonight for dinner,

- I'm having a spaghetti Popsicle.
- Oh!

- Would you like to join me?
- See you later.

- Okay.
- Bright and early now.

- If I can fool, Mr. Mooney.
- Don't worry. It'll work. Do what I said.

All right.

The next letter is
to Wilson and Russ.

- Yes, sir, Wilson and Russ.
- Yes.

Gentlemen, regarding
your inquiry of the th,

- I think the loan can be...
- Ach!

Did you say something,
Mrs. Carmichael?

- No, sir.
- Oh.

I think the loan can be
arranged on the following terms.

Agh!

- Mrs. Carmichael, are you all right?
- Uh, oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Ah. Where was I?
Oh, following terms.

Uh, the principal will be
paid over a period of years.

- Unh!
- I...

Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, yes, yes, I
feel fi... Fi... Fine.

Oh, well, perhaps you'd
like to rest for a while.

Oh, no, no, sir.
There's work to be done.

Oh, all right then, let's
get on with it. Where was I?

Oh, yes, payments will be made
semi-annually on the first of January

[GASPING]

and on the first of
July each year on...

Mrs. Carmichael,
are you in pain?

[GROANING]

- Is it constant pain?
- No, only when I breathe.

Well, maybe you'd
like to go home.

Oh, no, no, I'd rather stay.
Let's just keep on working.

I feel much better when I'm
working. It takes my mind off the pain.

Now, are you quite sure
you want to continue working?

Oh, yes, sir. I'll be all right.

Oh. All right, where was I?

Fifteen... Oh, yes. Should
a payment be missed,

there will be a
forfeiture penalty of...

Aah! My hand! My hand!

- I can't hold the pencil.
- What's the matter with it?

- What's the matter with it?
- It's having a spasm.

- Mrs. Carmichael, you are ill.
- Oh?

Let me feel your
forehead. No fever, no.

Let me see your tongue.

It looks all right.

Let me look at those eyes. Ohh.

I hope whatever it
is isn't contagious.

[GROANS]

Well, let's continue
with the dictation.

I'll write with my left hand.

Mrs. Carmichael, please go home.

No, I wanna stay, I wanna stay.

I wanna work, I wanna
work, I wanna work.

Mrs. Carmichael, I think
you ought to go home.

No, I wanna stay, I wanna stay.

Mrs. Carmichael, I
insist that you go home!

Oh, well, if you insist.

Thank you very much, Mr. Mooney.

- You're very thoughtful.
- Don't mention it.

And if you don't feel well
tomorrow, don't come back to work.

Oh, I won't, I won't.

Goodbye.

Gather, everyone.
Gather, gather, gather.

Now, remember,
this is our biggest sale

and this is the zero hour.

I hope you're all prepared
for what's coming.

Remember those are
customers out there

and they outnumber us
by more than to one,

and I can assure you,
they will show us no mercy.

[BELL RINGING]

Good luck, everybody. To
your posts, to your posts.

They're here, they're here.

[MOUTHS] Oh, help.

Lucy?

Lucy.

Lucy, gosh.

Oh, I haven't been mauled
and crushed like that

since my first blind
date in high school.

Good heavens. Come on over here.

Look, The Jiffy a*t*matic Stove.

"Set the timer and it
turns itself on and off."

How do you like that, you don't even
have to be home to burn your dinner.

Boy, cooking is so easy now.

They've got instant cream,
instant coffee, instant milk,

instant this, instant that.

Yeah, everything but
instant money to pay for it.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, hey.

I see the juicers
I want over here.

- What?
- The orange juicer.

[LAUGHING]

- What's so funny?
- Lucy.

Come here, look. Look
at the name on the slogan.

"Little Squeeze Orange Juicer.
Men, make your wife happy.

Give her a Little
Squeeze in the kitchen."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That's cute. You get your Little
Squeeze, I'm gonna look around.

Okay.

Oh, miss? Miss? Miss?

Ahem. Why did
you break that dish?

Well, I'm sorry, but it said,
"Try our unbreakable dishes."

So I just picked them
up and I just tapped...

You did it again.

Well, for heaven's sake,
why does it say "unbreakable"

- when they're breakable.
- Those are unbreakable.

These are imported china.

- And breakable?
- You should know.

- These are the unbreakable?
- Guaranteed.

Madam, there are different
departments in this store,

- why did you have to come to this one?
- Well, I...

Never mind. Now, now just
what kind of dishes do you want?

Oh, I don't want any dishes.

You don't want dishes.

No, I came in here
to buy a refrigerator.

- The refrigerators are over there.
- Oh, well, thank you.

- Don't touch that!
- Why not?

Because you are
liable to break it.

If you're interested in this
model, I will demonstrate it for you.

- Thank you.
- Now, this is the freezer unit

- with the a*t*matic ice maker.
- Mm-hm.

[MUMBLING]

And down below, the,
uh, vegetable crisper.

Latest design. So is
the meat freshener.

Shelves slide in and out easily.

[MUMBLING]

It has a five-year guarantee

and it comes at the amazingly
low sale price of only . .

Two ninety-nine, ninety-nine?

Yes. Is madam interested
in making a purchase?

Well, madam is, but
madam's budget isn't.

I'll have to think it over.

Can I have your card in
case I decide on anything?

- Very well.
- Thank you.

- Hi.
- Oh, did you get your squeezer?

- Yeah.
- Did you find a refrigerator you like?

Yeah, I found one I
like, but it's . .

Oh, that's a lot of money,
but isn't that beautiful?

Yeah. And it's got all
the newest gadgets.

- Look.
- Yeah.

Look.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

Oh, I'm, uh... I'm
terribly sorry, mister...

Give me back my card.

I don't want you to
even know my name.

I've got to know your name.

In case I decide to buy a refrigerator,
I won't know whom to ask for.

Good, good, good.

Please, madam, just
don't buy a refrigerator.

- Well, I...
- Eat warm food.

- Go to another department.
- I don't...

Please, go, go, go.

[CRYING]

Heavens, he's so emotional.

No wonder they're having
a sale. Everything's broken.

[ALARM WAILING]

- You're the one.
- I didn't do anything.

MARY JANE: I was with
her, she didn't do anything.

- Yes, you did.
- What did I do?

You just became our
customer of the year.

- I did?
- You're a...

- You're a very lucky lady.
- Oh, really?

You're the millionth
customer to enter this department

and you've just received a
great many valuable gifts.

What did I get, what did I get?

- Well, you got a set of golf clubs.
- Golf clubs?

A set of luggage, a
washing machine, a dryer,

a dishwasher, a
colored television set.

Oh, good heavens,
a color television set.

And this beautiful refrigerator,
completely stocked with food.

A refrigerator. That's
what I came in here to buy.

MARY JANE: She came in to buy.
- That's the one thing that I wanted...

- You're a very lucky lady.
- Oh, I certainly am.

Nothing like this
ever happened to me.

- Oh, and you're lucky too, Mary Jane.
- I am?

I'm gonna give the
colored TV set to you.

- You're gonna give it to me?
- Yes.

- But we'll keep it in my apartment.
- What?

Yes, and you can come down
and watch it any time you want.

And you can eat from my
completely stocked refrigerator.

Would you give me
your name and address?

Yes, Lucille Carmichael. Oh,
where do I live? Where do I live?

Gower Street,
Glenhall Apartments.

Yes, North Gower
Street, Hollywood.

- And you're a housewife?
- Uh, I am? Oh, yes, I am, yes.

I, um... I do take
care of my apartment.

But I work during the
day at the Westland Bank.

- A very fine bank.
- Oh, the best bank in town.

You may quote me. Heh.

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes.

- Our photographer is here.
- Your photographer?

Would you mind having your
picture taken while I congratulate you?

Oh, I didn't expect to
have my picture taken.

MARY JANE: Oh, Lucy.
- Well, I... Oh! Oh.

My hair must be a mess.

Good heavens, that bulb was so
bright, all I can see is a big blue blob.

- Thank you and congratulations again.
- Well, thank you.

Your prizes will be
delivered in a few days.

Oh, really? Oh,
thank you very much.

And remember to buy
tomorrow's newspaper.

Your picture will be in it
and a story all about you.

Oh, really? Oh,
I want to tell you,

it's the most exciting thing that's
ever happened to me. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Oh, Lucy, your picture's
gonna be in the paper.

Gee, I'll be famous.
Everybody will see my picture

and Mr. Mooney will be
so proud. And when I...

- Oh, no.
- Mr. Mooney.

If Mr. Mooney sees my
picture, he'll know I wasn't sick.

Oh, maybe you'll get lucky
and he won't read the paper.

No chance. He reads it every
morning the minute he gets in the office.

You've got to stop him
from reading that paper.

I know what I'll do.
I'll hide his glasses.

- Good idea.
- No, it isn't. He doesn't wear glasses.

I know. I'll get to the office before
he does and get rid of the paper.

Would you want me to
call you and wake you up?

Don't worry about it.
I'll be awake all night.

- If he sees that paper, he'll k*ll me.
- Lucy, the most he can do is fire you.

I know Mr. Mooney. He'll
k*ll me and then fire me.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Forgive me, George,
it isn't exactly a lie.

George.

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Mr. Mooney's office.
Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

Yes, I just hid it.
No, he's not here yet.

Well, thanks.
Yeah, I just saw it.

Yeah, yeah, I thought it was
a nice picture. What wrinkle?

That wasn't a wrinkle,
your paper was creased.

I better hang up. I
hear him coming.

- Well.
- Oh, good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

You know, you didn't have
to come to work if you're ill.

Oh, I'm not sick anymore.

Well, there must be something
the matter with you, you're early.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

I just figured as long
as I was off yesterday,

I should come in early today
and catch up on all my work.

Well, that's very commendable,
very commendable.

Uh, what was the
matter with you?

I don't know, but
I'm all right now.

Good, good.

- Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yes, Mr. Mooney?

Where's my newspaper?

Where's your newspaper?

- It isn't here.
- It isn't here?

- Where is it?
- Where is it?

Was your mother
frightened by a parrot?

Now, stop repeating everything I
say and help me find my newspaper.

Well, why don't you forget about your
newspaper and let's just get to work?

No, I just don't feel right unless
I read my morning newspaper.

I want to know what's
going on in the world.

Well, I'll tell you. The temperature's
up, the stock market is down,

and Little Orphan
Annie's lost again.

Mrs. Carmichael, will
you stop being facetious

and go out and buy
me a newspaper.

Oh, yes, sir.

They were all out of newspapers.

- What?
- Mr. Mooney,

you know, you read
too much anyway.

- What?
- Yeah, you're always reading.

You know, the bank reports,
the stock market charts,

and the fine print in
the mortgage papers.

You're just straining your
eyes. They're all blood-sh*t.

My eyes are not blood-sh*t.

How can you tell? You're
seeing them from the inside.

Mrs. Carmichael,
I'm in no mood...

I'm doing this for your
own good, Mr. Mooney.

Really, you do,
you work too hard.

Rest your eyes for a
change. It'll do you good.

Well, maybe you're right. You know,
I have been getting headaches lately.

I know, I know.

You've been getting headaches
ever since I came to work for you.

How true.

Oh, I didn't, I didn't mean it
that way. I don't think that...

Mrs. Carmichael, I
appreciate your concern.

All right, I'll skip the
newspaper this morning.

- Good.
- Now can we get to work?

- Yes, sir.
- Good.

- Lucy.
- Oh, hello, Laurie.

This picture of you
is just wonderful.

- Goodbye, Laurie.
- And the prizes you won.

- Yeah. Goodbye, Laurie.
- Just a moment.

- What picture of you?
- Oh, it's nothing.

Laurie was just going,
weren't you, Laurie?

She's going but the paper stays.

"Westland Bank employee
wins fabulous prizes."

Yeah, that's not my picture.

Really, Mr. Mooney, see, I
got red hair, her hair is black.

So you were sick yesterday?

Answer me! Were you sick?

No, but I am now.

- And you played me for a sucker.
- No, I...

And that act you put
on, pretending to be sick.

Oh, my hand. I
can't hold a pencil.

Please, Mr. Mooney, I wanna stay. I
wanna work, I wanna work, I wanna...

And like a fool, I let
you get away with it.

- I'm sorry, Mr...
- Sorry isn't enough.

To begin with, you will
not be paid for yesterday.

And the only reason I don't fire
you is because I'm such a sweet guy.

- You're a sweet guy?
- Yes, yes. Now you get to work.

And I don't want to hear another
word about your sneaky endeavors.

- Yes, sir.
- Mooney!

Ooh! Uh...

Congratulations, old boy,
you did it again. Ha-ha-ha.

Uh... Oh.

Thank you, Mr. Cheever,
sir. What did I do?

Oh, playing it sly, huh? A
little modest, huh? Ha-ha-ha.

"Westland Bank employee
wins fabulous prizes."

Oh, I tell you this story about
your secretary in the newspapers

is the most wonderful
publicity, and we appreciate it.

That's good public relations.

And it only happened because
you were thoughtful enough

to allow Mrs. Carmichael
to take off to go shopping.

That's because he's
such a sweet guy.

He certainly is.

Aw, shucks.

But he is not the only
one that can be sweet.

Now, In order to
show our appreciation,

the bank is going to give you
one full week salary as a bonus.

- A full week salary?
- That's right.

And I'm sure you will want
to show your appreciation

by giving Mrs. Carmichael a
week salary out of that bonus.

Uh...

- Of course, sir. CHEEVER: Yes.

Mooney, I am proud of you.

Keep up the good work. Ha-ha-ha!

Gee, a whole week salary for
me. Thank you, Mr. Mooney.

A half week salary.

Mr. Cheever just said that you
should give me a whole week salary.

I don't care what he said.

And one more word out of
you and you won't get a red cent.

And you're supposed
to be such a sweet guy.

I am a sweet guy!

And don't you forget it!

No, I won't.

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]
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