06x04 - Lucy and the Starmaker

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

[SIGHS]

Never on time,
always late, always.

But what can we do about it?

Late, late, late. Oh, yes...

What's your excuse this time?

All right, Mrs. Carmichael,
you might as well answer,

I know you're there.

You must have eyes
in the back of your head.

Maybe I do, and wouldn't
we make a peach of a pair

if you had a head
in back of your eyes?

Oh!

- Really, Mr. Mooney.
- Mrs. Carmichael,

how are you at imitations?

- Imitations?
- Mm?

Oh, why, pretty good, I guess.

Fine, then imitate a
secretary and look busy!

- And snap to it.
- Yes, sir.

Mr. Cheever said he'd
be in in a few moments

on a matter of great importance.

Oh, I hope I haven't
done anything wrong.

- Cheever just gets so upset...
- Mr. Mooney?

- What, what?
- Are you afraid of Mr. Cheever?

- Me afraid of Mr. Cheever?
- Yeah.

Well, of course not. How
could you ask such a thing?

- Well, I thought...
- I kowtow to nobody.

- No, sir, you...
- Nobody!

- Mooney.
- Oh, Mr. Cheever, sir.

Oh, glad to see you. How
are you, sir? How do you feel?

Oh, you're looking fine...
Ey... Um... Ahem. Uh...

Won't you sir down, sit?

- Won't you sit down, sir?
- No.

No, sir. I mean, yes, sir, yes.

Mooney, I have a young
nephew, Thomas Cheever,

- he starts work at the bank today.
- Oh, splendid, sir.

Shall we say that a small acorn
has fallen from the mighty oak?

CHEEVER: That's
good phrasing, Mooney.

But unfortunately, in this
case, the acorn is a real nut.

- Oh?
- He doesn't want to become a banker.

He doesn't want to
become a banker?

He wants to go
into show business.

Oh, the shame of it.

Oh, my condolences, sir.

- Oh, it's a sad state of affairs.
- Oh.

Well, gee, Mr. Cheever,
you can't blame a young fella

for wanting to get into
something that's a little more fun.

- More fun than banking?
- More fun than banking?

I... I... I... I just meant something
like auditing or accounting.

Well, those are both worthy,

but hardly the
excitement of banking.

Oh, true, true.

Now, Mooney, I'm turning this
irresponsible lad over to you,

you have sole
responsibility for him.

Mr. Cheever, sir, I shall
mold him in my own image.

Well, I had hoped that we
could set our sights a little higher.

- However, I'll bring him in now.
- Oh, yes, sir.

- Oh, and, Mrs.
Carmichael, - Yes, sir.

I would appreciate any help
on your part to guide this boy.

Yes, sir, I assure you I will give
him the benefit of all my experience

and knowledge of
the banking profession.

Come here, Thomas.

Now, Thomas, my
boy, this is Mr. Mooney.

- How you do, sir?
- Welcome aboard, my boy.

And this is Mr. Mooney's
secretary, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Very nice meeting you.
- Hi, Tom.

Now, as you know,
from this moment on,

you will take your
orders from Mr. Mooney.

I'd rather take my orders
from Mrs. Carmichael.

[LAUGHS]

- Watch it, boy.
- Yeah, watch it, boy.

There is no place
in banking for levity.

Sorry, Uncle Windy.

Now, Thomas, remember one thing.

At the bank, I am
known as Mr. Cheever.

Yes, Uncle Windy.
Oh, I mean, yes, sir.

Windy is a diminutive of
my middle name, Winfield.

Oh, I thought it was
because you're always so...

A very distinguished
name, Winfield.

Mooney, I want you to start
the indoctrination immediately.

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Now, young man, what phase of
the banking business interests you?

Well, I've always got a
kick out of cashing checks.

[LAUGHING]

Enough of that.

Now, Thomas, you are
just an employee here.

You are to receive no
special consideration,

no favoritism whatsoever.

- Do you understand that?
- Yes, sir.

- Mooney, do you understand?
- Yes...

- In this bank, he is not my nephew.
- Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir.

- Now take over.
- Yes, sir. I'll...

Yes, sir.

Well, now, young Cheever,
you and I will have a little talk.

- Yes, sir.
- Well, take your seat.

Y... Oh! Oh. Here, here we are.

Oh.

Now, despite the fact that
your uncle owns the bank,

you will be shown no
special consideration.

- Is that clear?
- Oh, yes, sir.

And another thing, do
not... Are you comfy?

- Fine, thanks.
- Oh. Good.

Now, don't expect
any personal privileges.

You will be treated just
like any other employee.

TOM: That's the only
way I'd want it, sir.

And that's the
way it's going to be.

Just another member of the
crew getting no special attention.

Ahem. Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
you heard what I just said,

I trust that you will cooperate.

Oh, absolutely, no
special attention.

Right.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I think
his light is going out.

Oh, forgive me.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

Hi, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, hi, Tommy. Come on in.

[TURNS MUSIC OFF]

Pull up a chair.

Or should I get
Mr. Mooney to do it for you?

No, that's all right. I majored
in chair-sitting in kindergarten.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, Tommy, how do
you like being a banker?

Oh, I don't know, I don't know.

I think it's real bad casting for
anyone with acting ambitions.

Yeah.

You know, Tommy,
Hollywood is filled with people

who think they're
actors, even me.

- You?
- Yeah.

When I first came out here,
I wanted to be an actress.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

It took me a long time to
realize that I just did not have it.

Well, everybody can't be
another Annette Funicello.

Well, that's true.

[SIGHS]

You know, you have one thing
going for you in the banking business

that you don't in show business.

- What's that?
- An uncle who owns the joint.

Can't argue with that.

Hey, you want a bottle of pop?

- I have some lemon and strawberry.
- I'll have lemon.

Let's see, that's under C.

- C for "lemon"?
- Yeah, cold lemon.

Oh.

[MUSIC RESUMES]

Oh, that's one of
my favorite numbers.

No kidding, that's one
of my favorite songs too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Especially that arrangement.
- Ah.

[SINGING] There's a
kind of walk you walk

When the world's undone you

There's a kind of walk you walk

When you're walking proud

There's a kind of walk you walk

When the neighbors shun you

There's a kind of walk you walk

Sets you above the crowd

There's a kind of walk you walk

When somebody loves you

That's very much
Like walking on a cloud

A good fortune
found you, chappie

And your heart's
a happy valentine

When you're walking happy

Don't the blooming
world seem fine?

So you had best
believe it, chappie

You'll find that
life is finger snappy

The day you learn
that walking happy

Gives the world a shine

So just keep walking

Go and keep on walking

Just keep walking

Happy with your hand in mine

Oh. Tommy, that was darling.

Gee, Tommy, what a
voice. You are sensational.

You didn't tell
me you could sing.

Well, I never thought my voice
was any more than average.

Well, now, if that
is an average voice,

Elizabeth Taylor is
an average housewife.

Boy, you have got
talent. I can't believe...

[DOOR OPENS]

Mr. Mooney, we have got
to get Tommy out of here.

- What?
- He should not be wasted in a bank.

He should be in show business.

Mrs. Carmichael, wash
your mouth out with soap.

Now, my boy,
forget show business,

your uncle has your
best interests at heart.

I appreciate that, sir,

but if Mrs. Carmichael thinks...

Oh, well, there goes
your argument right there.

Mrs. Carmichael does not think.

Mr. Mooney, I'm willing to
forgive all the nasty things

you say about me if you
will just listen to Tommy sing.

Now, please.

Please!

All right, no one has ever accused
me of having a closed mind.

Very well, go ahead, sing.

[TOM CLEARS THROAT]

[SINGS] There's
a kind of walk...

That's enough,
you'll never make it.

Well, some audition.

Dizzy Gillespie would have had a
better chance with Lawrence Welk.

Mrs. Carmichael, if you so
much as mention show business

in front of this young man again,
I will have you dunked in gold,

sent to Fort Knox, sliced
into ingots of bullion,

and then I shall take great
joy in personally f*ring you

ingot by ingot.

"Ingot by ingot." Who does
he think he is, Goldfinger?

Mrs. Carmichael, look, I
really appreciate your interest,

but I don't want you
getting into trouble.

Oh, who needs this job?

I'm getting my Social
Security in another...

Forty years.

Anyway, I think you're so
good, I'm willing to take the risk.

Oh, thanks, but I
don't think that it's...

Tommy, you know what?

We gotta get you an audition.

- An audition?
- Yeah.

And why not go right to
the top? Nelson Penrose.

Nelson Penrose?

- The movie producer?
- Yeah.

- You know him?
- Well, practically.

A friend of mine is secretary
to one of his secretaries.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

The closest I ever came was
meeting the gatekeeper's brother-in-law.

Yeah, well, Mary Jane,
my friend, knows him,

and she'd be very
glad to do me a favor.

How will I ever be
able to thank you?

Oh, that's all right, don't you
even think about that. Ha-ha.

Of course, when you
get to be a big star,

if you ever need a leading lady.

Bit player?

An extra?

Okay, I'll be president of
your Fort Knox Fan Club.

[LUCY LAUGHS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Oh.

- What a good dinner.
- Thank you.

The lobster was delicious,
where'd you get them?

I had them flown in from Maine.

Well, that must
have cost a fortune.

A whole week's salary.
They refused to fly family plan.

Well, let's get to the dishes.

Oh, no, you don't,
you're my guest.

- I'll do the dishes later.
- Well.

Well, after all, you put in
a hard day at the studio,

I want you to just sit
and relax, and we'll talk.

- Lucy.
- Hmm?

I get the feeling you're
about to ask me for a favor.

A favor?

Now, when did I ever
ask you for a favor?

Well, let's see,

Tuesday, you
borrowed five dollars,

Wednesday, I went
shopping for you,

Thursday, I picked
up your laundry,

Friday, you borrowed my car,

and that's my dress
you're wearing.

You've had it for
over two weeks.

What about the green dress
I loaned you last month?

That was my green dress
and you were returning it.

Boy, you got a memory
like an elephant,

and an appetite to match.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, what's the favor?

[CHUCKLES]

Mr. Cheever's nephew
down at the bank

has the greatest voice you have
ever heard, he is just sensational.

He sings up a storm, he's a
natural, personality and everything.

And you've just got to arrange an
audition for him with Mr. Penrose.

An audition for Mr. Pen...?

Lucy, you didn't have to
go to all this trouble for that,

all you had to
do is just ask me.

- You'll do it?
- No.

- No?
- No.

Well, fine friend you are.

Honey, I would be thrown
right out of the office

if I even mentioned
"audition" to Mr. Penrose.

He never auditions anybody.

What do you mean he
never auditions anyone?

I've seen his pictures, he's
always bringing out new talent.

Well, true, but you
can't bring people to him,

he likes to go out and
discover talent himself.

Oh, he's his own
talent scout, huh?

Yeah, you wouldn't believe
where he finds some of his stars.

- Where?
- Car washes, laundries,

bowling alleys. One was a
hostess on a live-bait boat.

A live-bait boat?

In fact, last month when
Mr. Penrose got hit by a truck,

instead of suing the
driver, he signed him up.

Hey, Tommy's got a car, where
does Penrose do his walking?

[CHUCKLES]

No.

- Wait a minute.
- What?

Do you know where Mr. Penrose
is gonna find his next star?

- Where?
- In our bank.

- Your bank?
- Yes.

Now, let's see. How am I gonna
get Mr. Penrose over to the bank?

He's a client, but he
doesn't come in very often.

Uh... I know, I know,
I'll call him and tell him

somebody forged
his name on a check.

And then he'll have to come
in to verify the signature.

Yeah, and then what?

Well, I'll have Tommy
ready to audition for him.

I'll get some of the people
at the bank to help me.

- Yeah?
- And then

Penrose will discover Tommy,
Tommy will be signed for pictures,

and I will be President
of the Fort Knox Fan Club.

- What?
- Never mind, it'll work.

Lucy, you've got the most
conniving mind west of the Mississippi,

and I'm proud to be your friend.

Well, thank you. Would
you like to prove that?

- Sure, what do you want me to do?
- The dishes.

Who do you think you are,
company? Come on now.

Tommy, I don't know
what's keeping Mr. Penrose.

He should have been here by now.

Oh, I hope he shows up.

So do I, before
Mr. Mooney gets back

from that wild-goose
chase I sent him on.

Go on, you get
back to the window.

Good morning, Mr. Penrose,
we've been expecting you.

What's all this nonsense
about a forged check?

Well, we think it's forged, sir,

and we just need you to
personally verify the signature.

Young lady, I'm a very busy man.

My studio comes to a
complete standstill without me.

- Yes, sir.
- May I have the check?

Well, that handsome young man
right over there at Window has it.

- Young man?
- Oh, Mr. Penrose.

- Can I see that check.
- Oh, yes, the check, sir.

That is not my signature.

That's exactly
what we thought, sir.

Because...

[PLAYS MUSIC]

[SINGING] We looked it
over Now we're in clover

Because we didn't cash the check

The P was too wobbly
The E was too small

The N was too loopy

The R, it was tall

So please don't be nervous
We give great service

We won't let it happen again

We'll find this forger And
believe me, by Georger

We'll get him in the end
He won't have a friend

And he won't need
a pen in the pen

Do you always serenade
the bank's customers like this?

Do I always serenade the
bank's customers like this?

Oh, no, sir, no, sir.

Only the bank's most
important customers.

Young man, you have a fine voice,
and a very nice manner about you.

Have you ever thought of
going into show business?

Me, in show business?

Oh, Mr. Penrose, whatever
would make you think

that a brilliant young banker would
ever want to become a movie star?

He'd never consider it.

He'd start at $ a week.

He'd consider it.

Son, do you know
any other numbers?

Does he know any other numbers?

Oh, Mr. Penrose, you just sit
down and relax and listen to this boy.

[PLAYS MUSIC]

[SINGING] Doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo Doo doo doo doo

ALL [SINGING]: Doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo Doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo Doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo

- Yeah, you're gonna know
- Yeah, you're gonna know

- When the feeling
hits you - Hits you

- Well, you're gonna know
- Yeah, you're gonna know

- When it starts to
get you - Get you

Clap your hands From
the morning till night

The people make you
holler Everything's all right

- Then say, "Oh,
whoa, whoa" - Oh, oh

- When the feeling
hits you - Feeling hits

- Yeah, you're gonna dance - Oh

- And you're gonna
shout it - Shout it

- Yeah, you're
gonna dance - Yeah

- Ain't no doubt
about it, now - About it

Clap your hands From
the morning till night

The people make you
holler Everything's all right

- They say, "Oh,
whoa, whoa" - Oh, oh

- When the feeling
hits you - It hits you

Whoa, feeling in your soul

Just a little bit more

- You're gonna know -
Yeah, you're gonna know

- When the feeling
hits you - Hits you

- Yeah, you're gonna know
- Yeah, you're gonna know

- When it starts to
get you - Get you

Clap your hands From
the morning till night

The people make you
holler Everything's all right

They say, "Oh, whoa, whoa"

- When the feeling
hits you - Feeling hits

- Well, everybody
say, "Whoa" - Whoa

- Whoa - Whoa

- Oh, oh - Oh, oh

TOM: Uh uh uh uh uh uh

Whoa, feeling in your soul

The feeling's got
you And it won't let go

Yeah Whoa

Just a little bit more
Just a little bit more

Just a little bit more Just
a little, just a little bit more

- Well, you're gonna know
- Well, you're gonna know

- When the feeling
hits you - Hits you

- Yeah, you're gonna know
it now - You're gonna know

- When it starts to
get you - Get you

Clap your hands From
the morning till night

The people make you
holler Everything's all right

They say, "Oh, whoa, whoa"

Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

- You got that feeling
- Got that feeling

- Well, you got that
feeling - Got that feeling

When you clap your hands
You're gonna get that feeling

From morning

Till night

Yeah, yeah

Whoa, yeah

What's going on here?

What's going on here?

Who dares mock the boss?

Who...? Oh, the boss.

Tommy's going
into show business.

- Show business?
- Yes.

Mooney, you're fired.

Mrs. Carmichael, you're fired.

Tommy, you're fired.

Tommy, you're fired.

Now you can accept
Mr. Penrose's offer of $ a week.

A thousand dollars a week?

A thousand dollars a week?

A thousand dollars a week.

And if anybody gets
fired because of this,

I'll never borrow another
penny from this bank.

Sing, Tommy boy.

You heard your Uncle Windy,

sing, Tommy boy!

[PLAYS MUSIC]

[SINGING] Clap your hands
From the morning till night

The people make you
holler Everything's all right

They say, "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa"

Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

- You got that feeling
- Got that feeling

- When you got that
feeling - Got that feeling

When you clap your hands

Gonna get that
feeling From morning

Till night

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]