06x09 - Lucy Gets Mooney Fired

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Well, we've got to find it. We've
got to keep looking. Keep looking.

How about you? Have
you...? Oh. Oh, my goodness.

Have you...? No, you haven't.

All right. Anything over
here? You haven't got...?

This is outrageous!

Never before in my
entire career of banking

has anything like this
ever happened to me.

It's inconceivable!

It's preposterous!

We are short cents!

But we are going to find it.

And hear this, staff.

We are going to get
our books balanced

before the bank examiners
get here tomorrow

if we have to work all night!

- All night?
- Even longer if need be.

Oh, gee, Mr. Mooney,
we might still be here

when the bank
opens in the morning.

Good! That might be a
way to get you here on time!

All right, now. I'll take care
of this. I'll take care of this.

Gee-whiz, Mr. Mooney. Why
don't you just tell the bank examiners

that we're cents short?

I, Theodore J. Mooney,

admit to a bank examiner
that I made a mistake? Never!

I'd sooner commit hari-kari

with that cheap letter opener
you gave me for Christmas.

- Now, get to work. Get to work.
- Oh!

Gosh.

I don't know why he just doesn't
let the bank examiners find it.

That's what they get paid for.

Lucy, get to work. The sooner we
find it, the sooner we can go home.

Yeah, go home. Go home.

We'll be here all night
looking for cents.

Hey, Vanda.

Doesn't Joan's hair
look frightful tonight?

- Just terrible. I've always...
- Shh. Don't gossip. Count. Count.

Hey, Joan, it won't be long now.

I slipped cents of my
own money in Vanda's till.

- Lucy, that's terrible! There's nobody...
- Shh! Shut up.

- Mooney! MOONEY:
Yes. Yes, sir. Yes, sir?

Well, have you found it yet?

Uh, no, no, no, sir.
But we're working on it.

Working on it. Working on it.

Mooney, I have been very
disappointed in you lately.

Now, there is no excuse
for these constant errors.

I found it. I found it!

The cents, it's
right here in this box.

Nice work, Vanda.

Now we'll all get home
in time for breakfast.

- Well done, Miss Wilson.
- Well, it's lucky for you they found it.

I found it! I found it!

You found what?

He found my ball point pen.
Thank you, I've been looking for it.

No, I don't mean your
pen, Mrs. Carmichael.

I found the missing cents.

You're too late, Henry.
We already found that.

Hold it!

Well, this is very
interesting, Mr. Mooney.

Now, let's all keep working.

Maybe we can find it again.

Mooney, what kind of a bookkeeping
system are you running here?

Uh, I'm sure this slight
mistake can be rectified.

The only mistake that
can be rectified is you.

First you're under, then you're
even, and then you're over.

And now that I
think of it, you're out.

Out?

Through!

Through?

Fired!

Fired?

Oh, Mr. Cheever, you
shouldn't fire Mr. Mooney.

It was all my fault.

I... There was such
a little bit missing

that I took the money out of
my own purse and put it in the till.

There, you see,
sir. That explains it.

Mrs. Carmichael, do you
really expect me to believe

that an accredited
member of this bank

would dare to do
such a ridiculous thing?

Oh, she would, she would!

Honest, I did, Mr. Cheever.

Everybody was so upset, I just
wanted to help in my own little way.

Well, I'll say one
thing for you, Mooney.

You certainly have
a loyal secretary.

She's willing to lose her
job in order to save you.

- Well, sir...
- And you,

you are just the type that would
take advantage of this poor child.

Oh, please, Mr. Cheever,
you've got to believe me.

Oh, yes, you've
got to believe her.

Out.

Oh, please, Mr. Mooney,
don't go. He doesn't mean it.

He doesn't mean it.
I'll straighten it all out.

Oh, Mr. Cheever,
you've got to believe me.

It was all my fault.

How rare these days
to find such loyalty.

So loyal. So loyal.

Please, Mr. Cheever.

It was my fault.

Mr. Mooney?

Good afternoon, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, good afternoon. Heh.

I wasn't sure what kind of a
welcome I was going to get.

I want you to know I'm terribly
sorry for what I did, Mr. Mooney.

Please, Mrs.
Carmichael, let's forget it.

What's done is done.

I learned a long time ago

that when life strikes
one a crushing blow,

one must look
toward the horizon,

think of tomorrow,

and not blame others
for their misfortunes.

Oh, what a wonderful philosophy.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

But it isn't my philosophy!

If it hadn't been for your
dunderheaded tricks,

I wouldn't be in this mess!

- But, Mr. Mooney...
- I wouldn't! I wouldn't!

- Take it easy. Take it easy.
- I wouldn't...

What? What?

- What?
- I was... I'm... I'm...

I'm sorry, Mrs. Carmichael.
Please, pardon that outburst.

I really am trying to behave
in a more mature manner.

After all, you have to
take the bad with the good.

That's right, sir. That's right.

Oh.

Tell me, how did Mrs.
Mooney take the news?

Even in one's darkest hour,
there can be a ray of sunshine.

She packed up and
went home to Mother.

Oh.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,

you don't know what it's
like to wake up in the morning

and face rejection,
unemployment,

with time hanging
heavily on your hands.

Oh, gosh, Mr. Mooney,
you only got fired last night.

To me, it's been
a thousand years.

I'm ruined.

- Oh, no, you're not. You're not ruined.
- Just ruined. Ruined. I am ruined.

That's not so, Mr. Mooney.

Now, you could get an
executive position in lots of things.

Manufacturing,
insurance or real estate.

Theodore J. Mooney in any
business other than banking?

- Never! Banking is in my blood.
- No.

I live, eat, sleep banking.

Oh, how I'll miss the intoxicating
aroma of newly printed money.

The thrill of seeing
a frozen asset thaw.

Yeah, there's nothing more
thrilling than a frozen asset.

Well, now... Now, look,
you cheer up, Mr. Mooney.

- Everything's gonna work out all right.
- Oh, please.

Please, Mrs.
Carmichael, no, no, no.

- Yes, it is.
- No, no.

Just leave me alone
with my scrapbook.

Your scrapbook?

Mumsy started it for me
when I was just a little tot.

- Oh. Oh, this looks very interesting.
- Oh, yeah.

- What's this?
- It...

Oh, that is the first
poem I ever wrote.

- Oh.
- Yes, I was in the third grade.

Even then, I thought
about banking.

Roses are red, violets are blue

We're taking your house
Your loan's overdue

- Oh, I had such a bright future.
- Yes.

Well, even in college they voted
me "the man most likely to foreclose."

- Oh.
- Oh, that was my first little puppy.

Oh, your first little puppy.

Yes. I called her Escrow.

Oh, well, that's
all behind me now.

I have nothing
left but memories.

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney,

you're gonna have
plenty more memories.

I'm gonna make Mr. Cheever
give you your job back.

I'm gonna tell him
how wrong he is.

Please, Mrs. Carmichael,
get off my side!

With your help, I
could lose my pension!

Mr. Mooney, it was my fault.
I'm gonna get your job back.

- Oh, no, no! No, please!
- Yes, I am.

- Don't worry about a thing.
- Don't! No!

Oh, Mrs... Oh, what have I done?

Oh.

Lucy, I wish you'd stop
worrying about Mr. Mooney.

You've done all
you possibly can do.

Oh, well, what burns me up is
old Cheever won't even listen to me.

He's moved into our office.

He's taking over all of Mr. Mooney's
work until he can find a replacement,

and I've got to stop
him before he does that.

Well, you've got to
try to forget about it.

Now, let's see what's on
television. What movies are playing?

Mary Jane, I'm gonna
get Mr. Mooney's job back.

I don't know how,
but I'm gonna do it.

Well, lots of luck.

Oh, hey, Gaslight's
on. I never saw Gaslight.

- That's a good picture.
- Oh, what's it about?

- What?
- What's it about?

Oh. Let's see.

Charles Boyer tries to
convince Ingrid Bergman

that she's seeing
things that aren't there

and isn't seeing
things that are there.

- You mean he plays tricks on her?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He tried to get her to
do the dipsy doodle.

- The dipsy doodle?
- Yeah, you know, flip her wig.

MARY JANE: Oh.

Hey, that's what I'm
gonna do to Mr. Cheever.

Make him flip his wig?

Yeah. I'm gonna
get him to cr*ck up.

And I'll get
Mr. Mooney to help me

and we'll give Cheever
the Gaslight treatment.

Let's watch the picture.
Maybe I'll get some pointers.

Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

- Yeah, don't worry about it. Oh, boy.
- Lucy, you can't.

Well, good morning,
Mrs. Carmichael.

Good morning, Mr. Cheever.

Oh, didn't you sleep well
last night, Mr. Cheever?

Sleep well?

Like a baby. Why?

Oh, I just thought
you looked a little pale,

a little peaked
around the edges.

Me? No, no.

I assure you I feel fine.

Oh, good, good, good.

I brought you a little something
to brighten up your desk.

Well, that's delightful.

- Thank you, Mrs. Carmichael.
- You're very welcome.

Oh, uh, Mr. Cheever, does that
picture look a little crooked to you?

Crooked? No, it
looks quite all right.

Oh, I thought it looked
a little screegy there.

Something wrong, Mr. Cheever?

I thought I just
lit a cigarette.

Oh, I didn't see
you smoking, sir.

Oh.

Mr. Cheever, take a good
look at that picture again.

Don't you think
it tilts to the left?

What? No. No.

Old George looks all right.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, would you
please bring me the Montgomery file?

Yes, sir.

- Here you are, sir.
- Ah, thank you.

This is the Bradshaw file. I
asked you for the Montgomery file.

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir, but
you asked for the Bradshaw file.

I know what I asked
you for, Mrs. Carmichael.

I said the Montgomery file.

Well, sir, uh, you might have
thought you said Montgomery,

but it came out Bradshaw.

- Are you sure?
- Oh, I'm positive, sir. Heh.

Uh, would you sign this
letter please, Mr. Cheever?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, you forgot to sign it, sir.

I just signed it.

Then why isn't your name there?

But I'm positive I signed it.

Sir, you might have thought
you did, but you didn't.

Mrs. Carmichael, I don't
know what's the matter with me.

Oh?

My signature, the
Montgomery file, my cigarette...

It's gone again.

- Gone again?
- Yes.

Uh, but never mind
about it. But, uh...

You said that I looked peaked?

Heh. Well, yes, but it's probably
just the strain of overwork.

After all, in addition
to all your own work,

you've taken on
all of Mr. Mooney's.

Yes. Yeah, well,
that might be it.

But then, on the other hand, of
course, it could be a guilt complex.

Guilt complex?

Yes, sir. For f*ring Mr. Mooney.

Deep down, you're probably
very sorry you did that,

and it's just getting you
all confused and upset.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Yes, sir.

- And on that subject, take a letter.
- Yes, sir.

MAN: Here you are, miss.

Oh, uh, just put
it over there, boy.

Some, uh, supplies I
ordered, Mr. Cheever.

Yes, well, now, this letter will go
to the Executive Placement Bureau.

And, uh, it certainly shouldn't
be hard to fill the shoes

of that incompetent
nincompoop, Mooney.

Gentlemen, pursuant
to our conversation,

- I wish you would kindly...
- Sign this, miss.

There you are, boy.

Kindly send over some
applicants for the position of...

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes, sir?

Did that delivery boy
look like Mooney to you?

No, sir.

Well, he looked
like Mooney to me.

Well, that's a guilt complex
for you. It'll do it every time.

- Well, read back what I just dictated.
- Yes, sir.

"Dear Mother, I am
very upset and worried.

We had this very nice vice president,
and in a fit of anger, I unreasonably..."

Stop!

- I said that?
- Yes, sir.

- But I couldn't have!
- There it is.

"Dear Mother." Dip, curve, loop,
straight line, dip, squiggle, squiggle...

Incredible.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael, I don't
know what's come over me.

[WHISTLING]

Uh, excuse me, sir. I
have to sharpen my pencil.

- There we are. I'm ready now.
- Uh...

- Uh, Mrs. Carmichael,
that man, - Yes.

Did he look like Mooney to you?

- What man?
- That man.

Oh, that man. Uh...

No, no. What would Mr. Mooney
be doing in a full dress suit?

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
I don't feel too well.

Well, sir, I think
you'd feel much better

if you'd just rest your
eyes for about half an hour.

How would you like me to put a
nice cold compress over them?

- Well, that would be very nice.
- Now, you just swing around here.

- Okay.
- Relax.

Lay back. That's it.
A nice cold compress.

Oh. What's that for?

That's to keep out all
the distracting noises.

Oh. Oh, uh, thank you. Yes.

A nice cold compress.

Make a new man of you. In
half an hour, you'll feel wonderful.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Carmichael.

Okay, half hour's
up. Compress off.

What, half an hour already?

Oh, yes, it's been
a good minutes.

Are you feeling better?

Well... Aah!

Oh, but that can't be.

[STUTTERS]

Why, the whole room is changed.

And, Mrs. Carmichael,
you've changed.

I've changed?

You've turned into a rabbit.

A rabbit?

Well, yes. And that
plant, it's turned into a tree.

Mooney!

Mooney has turned into
the father of our country.

Symptoms, Mr. Cheever.
All guilt complex symptoms.

[MOONEY SINGING]

Good morning, Mrs. Colucci.

[MOONEY SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

And how's Mr. Colucci
and all the little bambinos?

[IN ENGLISH] Oh,
just fine. Just fine.

Oh, my pills. I've
gotta get my pills.

[CHEEVER YELLS]

Mrs. Carmichael, if this works, I
promise you a $ -a-week raise.

- A $ raise?
- Absolutely.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Mooney. Thank...

[MOONEY RESUMES SINGING]

Don't make the goo-goo eyes.

I'm a married woman.

Please, no pinch the cheek.

You pinch the cheek,
I punch the nose.

I'm insulted.

I leave.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[YELLS]

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael, it
must be exactly as you say.

It's a guilt complex.
It's the only explanation.

Yes, Mr. Cheever.

Get Mooney on the phone
and tell him to come back here

before I go completely haywire.

Yes, Mr. Cheever.

[CHEEVER BABBLING AND SOBBING]

- Now.
- You called, sir?

How did he get here so fast?

So fast? Well, you asked
me to call him an hour ago.

An hour ago? Oh.

Oh, Mooney, you've
got your job back.

And, Mrs. Carmichael, if
anybody wants me, I've gone away.

- You're going away?
- Yeah. Far, far away.

[YELLS]

MOONEY: Oh!

I... Oh.

Please, Mrs. Carmichael, please.

Forgive my familiarity.

- That's all right.
- You were magnificent.

It was a stroke of genius.

Thank you, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, I shall be forever
indebted to you.

Oh, now, forget it.

I'm more than happy
getting that $ -a-week raise.

What $ raise?

The one you just promised me.

I promised you a $ raise?

Yes, you did.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael, come on.

Now, you may be able to work
that Gaslight stuff with Mr. Cheever,

but don't try to pull it on me.

Mr. Mooney, you know very well you
just promised me a $ -a-week raise

when you came in as Mrs.
Colucci, the cleaning woman.

- Me, a cleaning woman?
- Yes.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael, it
must be your imagination.

- No, it's not my imagination.
- Or maybe you have a guilt complex

- for getting me fired.
- No, I have no guilt complex!

- It must be something.
- I want my $ raise.

You're not going
to get a $ raise.

- I want my $ raise.
- Never. No raise. No raise.

- I want my $ raise.
- No raise. Never! Never!

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]