06x11 - Lucy, the Philanthropist

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Oh, I just love Saturday.

Isn't it great, all this
fresh air and sunshine?

It's so refreshing
and invigorating.

Yeah, well, I wish I could share
some of your girlish enthusiasm

- with my feet.
- Oh, forget about your feet.

- Enjoy this lovely little stroll.
- Little stroll?

Stanley didn't hike this
far to find Livingstone.

All right, you sit down, rest your
feet, and I'll go get some refreshments.

- Oh, I'm for that. I am for that.
- Okay.

Ugh. Whew.

Oh.

Ooh.

Uh, sir. Pardon me, sir.

Sir. You... You fell... You're
asleep on my back. Heh.

Sir.

Sir, I'm terribly sorry, but
you fell asleep on my back.

Oh, I'm... I'm,
uh, terribly sorry.

That's all right. I hope
you found me comfortable.

Exceedingly so.

[LUCY CHUCKLES]

It was like sleeping on a cloud.

[YAWNS]

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

To me, every day
is a beautiful day.

Oh?

Each morning, I wake
up and I come here

and bask in the sunlight
on my favorite bench.

Oh. Ha, ha.

Where do you live?

Three benches down.

Well, if this is your favorite
bench, why do you live down there?

Well, if I lived here, I
wouldn't have any place to go.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I see.

Are you unemployed?

- Oh, no, no.
- No?

I'm out of work.

- What's the difference?
- Oh, if you're unemployed,

you get insurance.

Mine ran out a
long, long time ago.

Oh.

Well, what do you do when
you do what you do do?

Well, you name it, I've done it.

Well, however, I have learned

that earning a living
gets in the way of living.

It used to be that I'd
work for a little while,

save a few dollars,
then I'd retire and enjoy it.

Well, now, I must say
I like your philosophy.

- But it's not that easy anymore.
- Oh?

When I seek employment these days,
the call seems to be for younger men.

Yeah, well, I think they carry
that accent on youth too far.

You certainly look like you're
capable of doing a good day's work.

- Thank you.
- You speak very well

and you have a nice personality.

Well, thank you very much.

I'm enjoying talking
to you, Mr., uh...?

Snowden, Charles P.

How do you do, Mr. Snowden?
I'm Lucy Carmichael.

- How do you do?
- Heh.

You know, you
have a wonderful gift.

- What's that?
- You make a person feel like a person.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

- Oh, here comes my friend.
- Hi.

Hi. Mary Jane, I'd like you to
meet Mr. Charles P. Snowden.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Mary Jane Lewis.

Well, if I had known we
were gonna have company,

- I'd have bought three ice creams.
- That's all right. Don't worry about me.

Excuse me.

It's all right if we... If we
go right ahead, is that okay?

Of course, of course.

Oh, Mary Jane, how
could you do such a thing?

- What?
- You got strawberry.

What's the matter
with strawberry?

You know it always makes
me break out in a rash.

Since when?

Uh, Mr. Snowden, do
me a favor. You eat it.

Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.

Well, too bad, because I guess
I'll just have to throw it away.

With my luck, a policeman will
probably come along and arrest me.

In that case...

Just to keep you from
having a prison record.

Oh, thank you.

I don't believe in giving
ice cream a chance to melt.

Thank you.

That certainly hit the spot.

Yeah, and I have an idea that that
spot hasn't been hit very much lately.

The truth now, Mr. Snowden.

When was the last time
you had a decent meal?

Well, uh, let me
just, uh... Uh...

What day is today?

You are coming home with me

and I'm gonna fix you a
good home-cooked meal.

- I accept.
- Good.

But you hardly know me.
You're taking an awful chance.

So are you. You don't
know her cooking.

Oh, Mary Jane. Come
on, Mr. Snowden.

As I said, it's a beautiful day.

A beautiful day.

Mrs. Carmichael, that
dinner was très magnifique.

- Thank you.
- And that pie...

You know, I'd almost forgotten
what homemade pie tastes like.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, keep trying to remember
because I got that at the supermarket.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

- Good afternoon, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Hello.

Something important
came up I want to talk about.

Oh, excuse me, uh,
this is, uh, Mr. Snowden.

This is my boss, Mr. Mooney.

How do you do?

Very happy to meet you.

Uh, Mr. Mooney,
Mr. Snowden's looking for a job.

Perhaps you have
something for him at the bank.

- Oh?
- Well, he does almost anything.

You name it and
he's probably done it.

We just met this morning.

He was sleeping, uh,
on a park bench and...

On a park bench?

Yes, yes. And I...

Well, I don't think we have any room
at the bank for another Barney Baruch.

Uh, nothing personal, you
understand, but business is business.

That's quite all right. I
do understand perfectly.

Good. Uh, speaking of business,

now, I'd like to get right
at this, Mrs. Carmichael.

I have a very important report here
that I want you to type up right away.

But, sir, it is Saturday.
It's my day off.

Good. That will give you
more time to concentrate.

Oh, could you excuse me

- for a few minutes?
- No.

But I have to see the manager
of this building before he leaves.

Maybe he has a job for
Mr. Snowden. I'll be right back.

- Come on, Mr. Snowden.
- Nice meeting you, Mr. Mooney.

Naturally.

Come on, Mr. Snowden.

Oh, heh.

Don't mind if I do.

Lucy. Lucy.

Oh. Hey, Mr. Mooney,
where's Lucy?

Uh, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes
just stepped out

to seek employment
for a park bum.

- Well, did you meet him?
- I had the dubious honor.

Well, he may not
be just a park bum.

- What do you mean?
- Listen to this story

in today's newspaper.

"Godfrey Collingwood,
eccentric millionaire,

whose hobby is giving away
money for acts of kindness,

is reported in this area."

And look, I think this picture
looks very much like Mr. Snowden.

"The noted industrialist
poses as a poor man

in search of employment

and then rewards whoever helps
him with a cash gift of $ , ."

- Twenty thousand dollars?
- Yes.

And doesn't that look
like Mr. Snowden?

Not the slightest resemblance.

Oh, I thought the
profile was identical.

Profiles can be deceptive.

Sideways, I'm often
mistaken for Richard Burton.

Of course, front
face, it's Rock Hudson.

Believe me, Snowden
and this millionaire

- don't look a bit alike. No.
- Yeah. Well, maybe you're right.

Yeah. Oh, I wouldn't mention
this to Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, why not?

Oh, well, why get the
dear girl's hopes up?

Oh, yes, I see what you mean.

Well, okay, you tell
Lucy I'll see her later.

Yeah, but do you
mind if I keep this?

I haven't, uh, read
"Peanuts" today.

Oh. Sure,
Mr. Mooney. I'll see you.

Yes, ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

[MOONEY CHUCKLES]

Park bum indeed.
Oh, you rascal, you.

[SINGING] Twenty
thousand lovely smackers

Buy a lot of crackerjackers

And I feel it landing
in my lap Plop, plop

[HUMMING]

Come on, Mr. Snowden,
better luck next time.

Nothing ventured,
nothing gained.

- That's right. MOONEY: Hmm.

- No job, eh?
- No. No openings.

No opening. Oh, the
saddest words in the world

- to a man of ambition and worth.
- That's right.

But take heart,
Mr. Snowden. Take heart.

I think I can find a
place for you in our bank.

Oh, really, Mr. Mooney?

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

I assure you, your kindness
will be most appreciated.

Good.

- Oh, I have a splendid idea.
- What's that?

I insist that you come home
with me and be my houseguest.

- Your houseguest?
MOONEY: Yes. Yes, the thought

of this poor man spending
another night on a park bench

would trouble my conscience
so much, I wouldn't sleep a wink.

I am overwhelmed.

But are you sure I
wouldn't be imposing?

Mooney Manor
is at your disposal.

Mr. Mooney, in my time I
have met some great gentlemen,

but none to exceed
your kindness.

Oh, I'm so glad you think so.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, this is a
wonderful thing you're doing.

You are really a Good Samaritan.

Tut-tut, tut-tut.
Really, it... Oh.

- Is that your luggage, Mr. Snowden?
- Yes.

Please allow me.

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes, Mr. Snowden?

Perhaps I have sat
on my last park bench.

- I hope so.
- And, to think, I owe it all to you.

Uh, to me.

Yeah. Uh, this way,
Mr. Snowden. Yes.

Goodbye, Mr. Snowden.

MOONEY: All right,
be very careful now.

LUCY: Goodbye.
- Oh, uh, by the way, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Yes, sir?
- It was very thoughtless of me

to ask you to do that
typing on a Saturday.

- Do it tomorrow.
- Oh, gee, thank you, Mr. Mooney.

- It's quite all right.
- Thank you.

Wait a minute.
Tomorrow's Sunday.

Bravo, you know
the days of the week.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

- Hi, Lucy.
- Oh, hi.

Hey, where's Mr. Snowden?

- Mr. Snowden?
- Uh-huh.

- You know, I've been thinking.
- What?

We sometimes misjudge
the people we see every day.

We see only their faults,

then when they do something
nice, we act surprised.

- Who are you talking about?
- Mr. Mooney.

- I asked you about Mr. Snowden.
- I'm getting to that.

You're not gonna believe this,

but Mr. Mooney is giving
Mr. Snowden a job at the bank.

- Isn't that wonderful?
- Isn't that hard to belie...?

And he even insisted on
Mr. Snowden going home with him

- as his houseguest.
- His houseguest?

Didn't want him
out of his sight.

Just wanted to do
everything he could for him.

Aha.

Mm-hm.

Oh-ho.

"Mm-hm, aha, oh-ho." Do you
give English subtitles with that?

Lucy, you've been had.

- What are you talking about?
- Where's that newspaper?

- What newspaper?
- I forgot. I gave it to Mr. Mooney.

Listen, while you were out, I came
down here with the newspaper,

and in it is a picture of
an eccentric millionaire,

- Mr. Godfrey Collingwood.
- Yeah.

Well, it says he
poses as a poor man

and he gives away $ , to
any person who is kind to him.

- So?
- So I said

I thought the picture
looked like Mr. Snowden.

- My Mr. Snowden?
- Yes.

But when I showed
it to Mr. Mooney,

he said he thought there
was no resemblance at all.

Mm-hm.

Oh-ho.

Aha.

Now you know what that means.

Yes, it means I'm gonna
have to rescue Mr. Snowden

from the clutches of that
no-good Good Samaritan.

I'll see you later.

[SNOWDEN AND MOONEY LAUGHING]

That is delightful.

It is true,
Mr. Mooney, it is true.

Clothes do make the man.

I feel like a millionaire.

I'll bet you do.

You have done so much for me.

I just don't know what to say.

Don't say a thing, my friend.

Just enjoy my
sincere hospitality.

This is a magnificent cigar.

Oh, yes. It's imported,
made especially for me.

So are those cashmere socks.

Oh, they're wonderful.

Just like walking
on soap bubbles.

Soap, ha. Why don't you
come over here and sit down,

make yourself
comfortable and relax.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yes. Uh, back, back. Relax, relax.
That's better. That's much better.

- Now, let me see. Uh... Upsy-daisy.
- Ha, ha.

Oh, yes. Good.

Now we're comfy,
aren't we? Ha, ha.

Well, I'll be back in
a jiffy with a libation.

This is too much, Mr. Mooney.

I am not used to such luxury.

Of course you're not.

[HUMMING]

Psst. Psst.

- Psst.
- Mrs. Carmichael.

Shh.

- This is a very pleasant surprise.
- Thank you.

Let me see your profile.

Hmm. If you didn't have such a
cute nose, you'd be a millionaire.

- What do you mean?
- Read this.

"Godfrey Collingwood,
eccentric millionaire, in the city,

$ , for an act of kindness."

Mr. Snowden, you are not that
eccentric millionaire, are you?

Mrs. Carmichael, I wouldn't
know what $ , looked like.

That's what I thought.

But I don't understand.

- What's this all got to do with me?
- Well, now, look, Mr. Mooney saw that

- and he thinks that you...
- Well, now wait a minute.

Mr. Mooney thinks that I...

Yes, and that accounts
for his sincere hospitality.

Oh, oh, for pity's sake.

Well, I can't believe that.

Well, now, look, I know
him better than you do.

And when Mooney smells money,

he turns from Simon Legree
into Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.

Well, now, when he finds out
that I am not who he thinks I am,

well, he's gonna be...
Well, he'll... Yes, he will.

- I'm getting out of here.
- No, you're not.

Now, you stay right here and
pretend like I was never here.

But that would be accepting
all this under false pretenses.

What kind of pretenses
do you think he's using?

- Now, he promised to give you a job.
- And I want a job. Well, I...

And I'm gonna see
that you get that job.

You just stay here, forget
that I was here and live it up.

Live it up.

Live it up.

Live it up.

[MOONEY HUMMING]

[COUGHS]

Here we are. Wine.

A little sherry to help
make us merry. Ha, ha.

Oh, Mr. Snowden,
you're not relaxing.

Really, now, settle
back, settle back.

There. That's it. Uh...

I know. Upsy-daisy.

Good, good. That's right.

Now, then, ahem,
this is my private stock.

I only drink it on special
occasions. When I'm thirsty.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You've got quite a sense
of humor, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, yes, yes, I
have been blessed.

Humor, hospitality, generosity
seem to go hand in hand.

I, uh, ahem, haven't
toasted you yet.

- Oh, so you haven't.
- Yeah.

Let's start over again.

Alrighty, there you are, sir.

To the bluebird of happiness.

May she lay her golden
eggs on all who are deserving.

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Mooney.

Speaking of birds,
here comes a cuckoo.

Oh, I thought you'd be around here.
That's why I came through the patio.

Mrs. Carmichael, how
nice of you to drop by.

I've enjoyed every
moment of your visit.

I'm so sorry you have to leave.

Oh, but I have, uh,
some very important news

for Mr. Snowden.

I spoke to Mr. Griggs, the
owner of the apartment house,

- and he has a marvelous job for you.
- Has he?

- Yes.
- Mrs. Carmichael, remember?

The Good Samaritan
has already stepped in.

I have offered him a job.

Oh, but Mr. Griggs is going
to give him a very good salary.

What makes you think that I
won't give him a good salary?

Well, for one thing, my salary.

Mr. Griggs is willing
to pay him a week.

Oh, that's chicken
feed. I'll give him .

Mr. Griggs is willing
to put it in writing.

Well, so am I.

I'll even embroider
it if you like.

I'll give him a
contract right now.

Is, uh, $ a week all
right with you, Mr. Snowden?

With that kind of money, I
can buy my own park bench.

Here you are, Mr. Snowden.

All signed.

Nice promotion, eh?

From bench to bank. Ha, ha.

Mr. Mooney, I just don't know
how I'm going to repay you.

Oh, you'll think of something.

[SNOWDEN LAUGHS]

[LUCY LAUGHS]

Hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, hi, Mr. Snowden.

Well, how are things going?

Wonderful, wonderful.

After years,

my accounting experience
is coming right back to me.

Isn't that great?

Listen, do you think that Mr. Mooney
might be getting a little suspicious?

- No.
- No?

He's positive I'm
Collingwood, the millionaire.

- Good.
- But he's certainly getting impatient.

- What do you mean?
- His little hints.

- Like what?
- Yesterday, he asked me

if I could think of a nice $ ,
birthday present for his wife.

Oh, no. How subtle can you
get? Oh, I don't be... Excuse me.

[PHONE RINGS]

- So long, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Bye-bye.

Mr. Mooney's office.

Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

Yeah, yeah, I got time to talk.

What? Oh, well,
uh, so far so good.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, I've got to admit
I'm getting a little worried.

MOONEY: Where is that
carrot-top nincompoop?

I'm being paged,
I'm being paged.

You tricked me!

What are you talking about?

I just heard the millionaire,
Godfrey Collingwood,

interviewed on my car radio,

and it was coming
live from New York!

Why are you mad at me?

I can't even get
Pomona on my car radio.

You know what I'm talking about.

I do not know what
you're talking about.

- You do!
- I do not!

You do, do, do! Yes, you do!

I thought that that Snowden
fellow was Collingwood.

And it's all your fault.

My fault? I never said he was.

- You don't try to weasel out of this.
- I'm not.

- I met him in your apartment.
- What's that to do with it?

Don't worry, I'll take
care of you later.

But first, I'm going to throw
that imposter out on his ear.

Now, you can't do that. You
signed his contract yourself.

So what? I'll swear in court

that my word isn't
worth a tinker's dam.

- That imposter is through! Through!
- Mooney.

Aah! Oh, Mr. Cheever,
how are you?

Mooney, I wanna talk to
you about this man, Snowden.

Oh, well, sir,

- I was about to come to you.
- Now, you have pulled some boo-boos

- in your day, but this Snowden...
- Yes, sir.

- Now, I realize that...
- This man, Snowden, has made up

for all your mistakes.

- Well, I regret the entire incident, sir.
- Hold it, boss. I think you're ahead.

What that man has done
in one week is fantastic.

Mooney, he is a genius.

- A genius?
- Yes.

He has come up with a shortcut
in our bookkeeping procedures

that will save this bank
thousands of dollars a month.

Oh, Mooney, where in the world
did you discover this wonderful man?

- In my apartment.
- That had nothing to do with it!

It was I who immediately
recognized this man's talent and worth.

Well, I never thought
the day would come

when I would say it, but

- good show, Mooney.
- Okay.

Ah. Amazing, isn't it?

Yeah. Amazing.

When one is good and kind

and does something for his
fellow man, he's rewarded.

- Yeah.
- Ah, yes.

Virtue is its own reward.

And if one ever strays
from that objective,

he always gets his just dessert.

[YELLS]

What happened?

Mr. Mooney was just
served his dessert.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]