06x16 - Lucy and the Pool Hustler

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
just a few questions

for the bank's
insurance records.

LUCY: Yes, sir.
- Exactly how did you break your leg?

Well, I was, um...

I was riding this
horse in Griffith Park,

and a very handsome
man rode up beside me,

smiled at me,

and told me I was very
beautiful and asked me for a date.

- And that's when it happened.
- What happened?

My horse gave a snort,
bolted and I fell out of bed.

- Fell out of bed?
- Yeah. It was only a dream, darn it.

I'm afraid the bank won't pay any
sick benefits for an accident like that.

Oh? Well, gee,

I don't know how I'm going to
be able to pay my bills, then.

Now, now, now. Don't worry
about your medical expenses.

- Well I...
- I will personally lend you

- all the money you need.
- Oh, thank you, Mr. Mooney.

Gee, I'm lucky to
have you for a friend.

I know.

I certainly wish Mary Jane
hadn't gone on her vacation.

Then she could stay
with me and nurse me.

- Will you stop worrying?
- Well, I don't have...

- I have already arranged for a nurse.
- Oh, I didn't know that.

Yes, I have. She'll
be here this afternoon,

and she will stay with you
just as long as you need her.

- Oh, thank you.
- I must get back to work.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I want
to thank you for everything.

Oh, you're quite welcome.

- I appreciate it.
- Yes, yes. All right.

And I'll be back at work just as
soon as the doctor says it's okay.

But I'm afraid it'll
be at least a month,

so you'll just have to try
and get along without me.

Oh, I'll try. I'll try.

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Oh!

Hello, Mr. Mooney.
No, no one's come yet.

Yes sir, I'll let you know.
I'll let you know when she...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that must be the
nurse now. Good-bye!

Come in!

Hi, Lucy!

Viv! Oh, Viv!

What in heaven's name
are you doing here?

Meet the Florence
Nightingale of this generation.

You mean you? You're
going to nurse me?

That's right. Mr. Mooney sent
me a bus ticket and here I am.

- Oh, Viv! Wonderful of you!
- Oh, that's all right.

Oh, I just want to thank you
from the bottom of my heart.

- You are welcome.
- Heh.

Only a real true blue friend
would give up her time and come

- all the way...
- Honey, please, believe me,

if you're gonna get sloppy
about it, I'm gonna go back home.

Oh, I'm so happy, I can't
believe it. It's such a surprise.

You coming all the way across
the country just to nurse me.

Now, honey, that's
what friends are for.

Didn't you take care of
me when I got poison ivy?

Why, you cooked for
me. You shopped for me.

You even scratched for me.

Well, that was different.

Gee, just for me, you've
come , miles on a bus.

- You even had to leave your husband.
- Oh, don't worry about that, honey.

What did he say when you told
him you were leaving him for a while?

Nothing. Just sat
there and smiled.

Oh.

Heh, how long you have
to keep that thing on?

- Well, doctor says about a month.
- Oh, that's not too bad.

Tell me.

Is your doctor good looking?

Uh, yes, yes. I'd say my
doctor is very good looking.

[GIGGLES]

- Young?
- Fairly young.

- Single?
- Yeah. Single.

Ooh, aren't you the lucky one?

Not so lucky. My
doctor's name is Dorothy.

- Dorothy! A lady doctor?
- Yeah.

Oh, great. Heavens, that takes
all the fun out of breaking your leg.

How'd you happen
to break it, anyway?

- I fell out of bed.
- You fell out of bed?

[LAUGHING]

- That's funny.
- I don't see anything funny about it.

Oh, no, honey, I don't
mean funny, but...

- Well, it is funny.
- Why?

Well, breaking your
leg by falling out of bed...

After all the crazy things you've
done without getting a scratch.

What do you mean, after
all the crazy things I've done?

Come on, honey, you've done some
pretty unbelievable things in your life.

Well now, they may have
been unbelievable to you,

but I always had a sensible
reason for everything I did.

- Sensible?
- Yes.

Oh.

Name one time when I didn't
have a good sensible reason

- for doing what I did.
- All right.

I suppose it was sensible

when you crawled down into
that sewer to get back a penny.

That happened to
be a very rare penny.

It was worth $ . .

And you were the
one that dropped it.

And you crawled down in
that sewer with me, remember?

I'll get your feet. I'll get
your feet and I'll reel you out.

- Okay? All right? LUCY: Yeah.

- Can you see anything?
- No, it's too dark.

- What?
- It's dark in here.

Oh, don't worry,
honey. I'm out here.

I can't see anything.
Give me the flashlight.

- The flashlight?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Lucy? Lucy! Lucy,
where did you go?

Lucy?

- I'm over here.
- I can hear you, but I can't see you.

I got the penny.

Viv! I got the penny, Viv. Viv?

Viv! Viv? Oh, Viv? Viv!

Lucy. Lucy?

Lucy? Where are you, Lucy?

Lucy, are you... Lucy,
I can't find you. Lucy?

Lucy?

Will you two dames stop
playing tag in my sewer?

One more time and I'll
have you both arrested!

[GRUNTS]

Okay. Okay, I
admit that was silly.

But that's no reason for you to say I
was always doing ridiculous things.

Oh, no, no.

Most of the things you
did were quite sensible.

That's right.

Like the way you got into
that upper bunk that time.

Now, that wasn't my fault.

You wouldn't sleep up there
because you were afraid of heights.

[GRUNTS]

What are you eating?

Potato chips. You want some?

- How did you get up there?
- Good old American know-how.

- Well...
- What's the matter now?

Oh, now that you woke me
up, my claustrophobia's back.

- Oh, dear.
- Huh? What'll I do?

Look, come on up here with me,

and I'll sleep on the
outside so you don't fall out.

- Okay?
- Ow.

Come on.

Help me.

Get up there.

Come on, Viv, I'm tired.

Turn around. Up that way.

Aah!

[SIGHS]

Oh, girl, you really talked me
into some unbelievable spots.

Don't go putting
all the blame on me.

No, I guess some
of the blame is mine.

That's right.

- For letting you talk me into things.
- Like what?

Like the time we joined the
volunteer fire department.

Hey, we took our responsibility
pretty seriously, didn't we?

Oh, I'll say we did.

Remember how we kept
practicing and practicing

getting into our uniforms fast?

Yeah, yeah. Everything was in a
hurry. We were great at rehearsal.

Oh, boy. When the
real fire alarm sounded...

- Ohh.
- Whoo!

Oh, Lucy.

[HORN HONKING]

Help me! Help me!

It's a real fire.

My zipper is stuck.

Oh, let it be stuck.
Nobody will see it at the fire.

[HORN HONKS THEN VIVIAN YELLS]

Oh, I got a run in my stocking.

What difference does that
make? Nobody will see it in a fire.

What if my pants burn off?

Oh, Lucy, that's a
real... That's a real fire.

I told you we should
have rehearsed more!

I got... All right.

- This is mine.
- Oh, Vivian.

- Look at the back! It says Bagley.
- All right! All right!

[HORN HONKS]

VIVIAN: Oh! We're
coming! We're coming!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

- Where's the fire?
- Everybody, get to your places!

Everybody to your places!

WOMAN : No, that's my
place! WOMAN : Everybody...

WOMAN : the other side!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

LUCY: There...

Right over there! You
know they point to me!

Now, get over there!

All right, climb up there!

All right, here we go!

What's the matter now?

I think we'd go faster
if we had a driver.

Oh, that's me!

WOMAN: Lucy, come on!

- I'll do the bell. Ready?
- Okay. Here we go.

- Ready.
- Here we go.

You know, now that I think back,

I wasn't safe with you
in the house or out of it.

- What do you mean by that?
- I mean like the time you talked me

into helping you put
up a new TV antenna.

- On the roof. Ha, ha.
- On the roof.

Oh, boy. That wasn't the
smartest thing we ever did.

Oh, how true, how true.

LUCY: Get up here and
help me balance this thing.

- I got it.
- We've gotta put it on the chimney.

Okay.

Come on, Viv. Don't be
frightened. Everything's all right.

The chimney's
over there. Back up.

Back up?

Oh, Lucy, I'm scared
to walk forward.

I couldn't back up.
Are you kidding?

- Oh, come on, Viv.
- You back up.

Switch places with me.

- Switch places...?
- Come on, switch...

I'm not gonna back up.

If you want this aerial up, you're
going to get back there yourself.

All right now, come on!

Wait a minute,

I'm still backing up.

- Turn around.
- Yeah, I'll have to turn around.

Now, hang on to me, Lucy.

I'm hanging on to you. I'm hanging on.
Don't be a scaredy-cat. Now come on.

- Hey, I did that pretty good, didn't I?
- Yeah, you were beautiful.

- Aren't you afraid to back up, Lucy?
- No, I'm not a bit afraid.

Just turned at a corner.
Lucy, look around.

Maybe we could find the
place in the roof where it leaks.

Maybe we could.

- While we're up here, we'll take a look.
- Yeah.

I found it! I found it!

Just what I always wanted,
a sky light in my bedroom.

- Do I start now again?
- Yeah.

- Lucy?
- Yeah?

There's something
I don't understand.

- What?
- Why did you undo this like this?

Couldn't you have brought
it up all in one piece?

Did you ever try to
put up a TV antenna?

- No, I didn't.
- Well, then, come on

and don't ask... Aah!

- Back up. Back up.
- Back up?

Are you with me?

Chimney's nice and even.

Take it easy. Give me
something to hang on to.

We'll just put this
over here in this pipe.

You're worse than
carrying that thing.

There. That wasn't
so bad, was it?

No, as a matter of fact,
that was a lot of fun.

I want you to promise
me something.

If this ever blows down again,

don't you let anybody
help you put it up, but me.

Oh, shut up!

Well, I only did
that to save money.

You know, Lucy, you should
have saved all the money

- you wasted trying to save money.
- Yeah, well...

Remember the time you were
too cheap to hire a plumber?

And we put in the
shower ourselves?

- Oh, I'll never forget it.
- Boy, that was wet.

My skin is still shriveled. It
never got back into shape.

VIVIAN: Oh, boy.

- Unh!
- Hey!

- Lucy, Lucy.
- Oh, you know what?

- No, I just now thought of something.
- What?

- Did you pay this month's water bill?
- Sure I did.

That was a dumb thing to do!

How'd I know this
was going to happen?

Oh, well...

Aah! Aah!

I didn't know the water was on.

- Know what we're gonna have to do?
- What?

We're gonna have
to kick this door in,

break the glass.

- Oh, that's a good idea.
- Okay. Go ahead, kick it.

Oh, no, you don't.
That's too dangerous.

Not that I'm afraid of cutting myself,
but the blood might draw sharks.

- Hey, girl.
- What?

Did you say that that plumber
was held on by screws?

- Yeah.
- We're gonna have to unscrew it.

- We're gonna have to unscrew it?
- Yeah.

We can't. We haven't
got a screw driver.

- I have.
- You have?

- Yeah.
- Well, now you tell me.

Oh, boy.

You know, you'd think that the
people who designed this thing

would prepare for
an emergency exit.

I doubt if an emergency
like this crops up very often.

Are you gonna go down
there and get it out?

- Yes.
- You'll get all shriveled if you don't.

- Shriveled?
- Yeah.

I don't know about you,
but I'm not preshrunk.

- Get the top off. Get the top off.
- Okay.

- Are you going?
- Yeah.

Okay, here you go.

Hang onto me, hang onto
me. Wanna hang onto me?

That's it, go!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, Lucy, you're
great. You're great.

Oh, boy, where is Lloyd
Bridges when you need him?

You know, Lucy, now that we're
talking over old times, girl to girl,

I've always been amazed at
the way you like to give orders.

What do you mean by that?

Now, let's face it, girl, there's
a little Captain Bligh in you.

Oh, Viv.

I remember the time
you bought that boat.

Oh, boy, do I remember
the time you bought that boat.

Ooh, ah.

- Sprung a leak. What'll we do?
- There's no need for alarm, Viv.

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Oh, this is a fine mess.
What are we going to do now?

We'd better prepare to
abandon ship. Man the lifeboats!

- Man the life... There isn't any lifeboat!
- Oh, well, put on your life jacket!

- This is the only one. This is it.
- Where's mine?

- This is the only one there is.
- Well, let me use it.

- No, I...
- Come on, Viv!

- No, I won't...
- Viv, let me have...

- What am I supposed to do?
- You're the captain.

You're supposed to
go down with the ship.

Lucy, your nurse
thinks it's time for lunch.

- But I'm not hungry.
- But I am.

Oh, still the same old Viv.

Well, you'll find stuff for
sandwiches in the refrigerator.

- The bread's in the bread box.
- I'll find it.

- Well, now, Viv, listen...
- Don't worry, I'll find everything.

[CRASH]

- What happened? VIVIAN:
I told you I'd find everything.

- I found a hole in the linoleum.
- Oh, Viv...

[VIVIAN GROANING]

I'm sorry, Lucy, I
came to be your nurse,

and now I'm going
to be a burden to you.

Oh, stop, you're no burden.

I feel just like the female version
of The Man Who Came to Dinner.

I told you to stop
worrying about it.

Viv, I'll tell you something,

if I had my choice of anyone in the
world to be in the bed next to mine,

you're the one I'd want
most to break her leg.

You know, I know you
meant that as a compliment,

but somehow, it didn't
come out that way.

No, it didn't, did it?

I was trying to say the nicest thing
possible to the nicest gal I know.

Oh, Lucy, I know what you mean.

- I feel exactly the same about you.
- I'm glad you do.

And even though we live on
opposite sides of the country,

I'll always feel
very close to you.

I feel the same way exactly.

I guess it's because we've
been through so much together.

- Through good times and bad.
- Through thick and thin.

- Through fire and water.
- Through McKinley and Roosevelt.

Oh, stop.

Well, I didn't want to
get maudlin about it.

Anyway, as I was saying
before I broke my leg,

I think it's time for lunch.

Yeah, I'm hungry now too.
Oh, nurse! Where's our lunch?

Hurry it up please, nurse.

Oh, what you got, what
you got, what you got?

- May I have my salad, sandwich...
LUCY: Ooh, that looks good.

I want my sandwich
before my salad, please.

Oh, thank you.

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]