06x22 - Lucy and the Lost Star

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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06x22 - Lucy and the Lost Star

Post by bunniefuu »

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

[ENGINE GRINDING]

Oh, it's no use, I can't
get it started again.

This is a fine way to
spend my vacation.

Well, I'm sorry, Vivian.

[ENGINE GRINDING]

This thing sounds just
like a wounded bull.

Well, no sense sitting here. I'm
going to get out and see what I can do.

[GRUNTS]

Pshaw, hah.

- What are you looking for?
- Well, how do I know?

This is what
everybody else does.

Better get your head out
of that thing. It looks hungry.

Oh, boy, we could sure
use a man in this situation.

We could use a
man in any situation.

Maybe a car will come along and
give us a lift or at least send a mechanic.

That car doesn't need a
mechanic, it needs Medicare.

Where did you get that
fugitive from a junk pile?

Now, Viv, it's
all I could afford.

It'll get us where we wanna go.

Oh, it will? Then what are we doing
out here in the middle of nowhere?

I was trying to save a little
time by taking a shortcut.

- I want to see the ocean.
- I know! I know. Just be patient.

Patient? I'm only out
here on a ten-day vacation.

- Oh, I just thought of something.
- What?

I saw a house a couple of
miles back down the road.

- So?
- Let's go back and call the auto club.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna hike
back two miles down this road.

Why not?

Because I've got skinny shoes
and wide feet, that's why not.

Viv, stop squawking
and start walking.

Come on.

[SIGHS]

- Oh, good heavens.
- What's the matter?

Suppose, while we're gone, somebody
comes along and steals my car.

You've gotta be kidding!

- Well!
- Oh, come on.

How can I convince you that
you should do this picture?

I'm your agent. I
wouldn't steer you wrong.

Listen to me, dear.
It's a dynamite part.

The studio is dying
for you to do it.

The salary is
absolutely fantastic.

Now, please, will you
okay the deal, Joan?

Lew, darling, how many
times must I tell you?

I have all the money I need and
I don't want to do another picture.

But you owe it to your public.

The studio gets thousands of letters
asking for Joan Crawford movies.

That's very gratifying,
but I don't want to work.

- You don't want to work?
- No, I don't.

What do you call this?

- What, this?
- Yes.

A labor of love.

I'm having the entire
house redecorated

and I wanna make sure
everything is spotless.

Then why don't you
have your maid do it?

Because I wanna make
sure everything is really clean.

Joan, I guess there's just no way I
can persuade you to do that picture.

But if you change your mind,
you know where you can reach me.

Don't call me,
darling. I'll call you.

- Bye, Joan.
- Bye, Lew.

- Yeah?
- Excuse the intrusion.

Her car broke down. We'd like to use
your phone to call the automobile club.

Oh, please, it's right
there. Help yourselves.

Thank you very much.

Oh, boy, I'm tired. We
must have hiked ten miles.

Oh, Viv, don't exaggerate.
It was only two miles.

It was ten miles. I've
got ten blisters to prove it.

[VIVIAN GRUNTS]

You girls must be exhausted.
I'll get you some lemonade.

Oh, please, we don't
want to be any trouble.

JOAN: Oh, it's no trouble.

Please just make
yourselves comfortable.

LUCY: Thank you.

Make ourselves comfortable?

Well, she meant well.

- Lucy?
- What?

Did she look kind
of familiar to you?

Come to think of it, yeah.

Here's something you can sit on and
rest while I make the lemonade. Okay?

- And I won't be long.
- Thank you.

[GASPS]

[IN UNISON] Joan Crawford!

Shh! Shh! Shh!

- Oh, Lucy, she's my all-time favorite.
- I adore her.

- What's she doing here?
- What do you mean?

This is terrible.

A big star like her reduced
to working as a maid.

Oh, I don't think she's a maid.

Then how come she's dressed like
that and she's cleaning this place?

I think this is her
house and she's broke.

She probably sold all of
her furniture just to buy food.

Oh, no!

Oh, Lucy, when the big
ones fall, they really fall.

We've gotta do
something for her.

You're right. How much
money have you got on you?

Let me see now,
what I've got left.

- I've got $ .
- I've got .

- We'll give her the $ .
- Oh, Lucy.

We can't give charity to a
great big star like Joan Crawford.

Oh, well, we'll tell her it's
to pay for the phone call.

What are you gonna tell her? You
had to call the auto club in Casablanca?

Yeah, you're right. But we
gotta do something to help her.

Maybe you could get Mr. Mooney
to lend her some money.

Mr. Mooney wouldn't lend
a dime to Richard Burton

even if he left Elizabeth
Taylor as collateral.

Oh, now, Lucy, maybe he would.

- It wouldn't hurt to ask him.
- No... Shh!

- Here you are, girls. LUCY:
Oh, that's very nice of you.

By the way, I do hope you'll
excuse the appearance of my house.

Oh, your house is beautiful.

Oh, yes, it's so
nice and spacious.

Thank you, but it does look
better with a little furniture in it.

But yesterday, they
came and took it all away.

Oh, by the way, I decided
to have some with you,

because I haven't... I haven't
had anything to eat all day.

- Well, we understand.
- Oh, sure, we do.

Let's drink a toast
to happier days.

I'll drink to that.

Me too. Cheers!

Oh!

LUCY: Oh, I'm so sorry!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come in. Come in.

Hi there.

Good heavens, it's
the Smothers Mothers.

Well, what ill wind
blows you my way?

Mr. Mooney, I'm sorry to bother you
on a Sunday, but I want to borrow $ .

Oh, you've been sitting
out in the sun too long.

- You've got to lend me $ .
- Why?

Well, you see, we found a famous
movie star living in an empty house.

No furniture, nothing to eat.

She's starving, and I want the
money to buy her some food.

A likely story.

Well, it's the truth.

Now, you'll never believe this,
but the star is Joan Crawford.

Joan Crawford?

- Yes.
- Mildred Pierce.

How terrible. Why,
she's my all-time favorite!

Why, Joan Crawford has given
me hours of delightful entertainment.

- I just adore that
woman! LUCY: Yeah.

Girls, I will personally
lay out the money.

- You will!
- Yes.

Then we'll split it three ways.

Let's go to the market right
now and buy her some food, huh?

Mr. Mooney, Miss Crawford
doesn't know that we know who she is.

We've gotta figure out a way to give
her the food without embarrassing her.

MOONEY: Wait, you're
forgetting one thing.

- What?
- Giving her food isn't enough.

We have to find her a job
so she can support herself.

- That's right.
- I hadn't thought of that.

And it has to be an acting job.

- That's right.
- Now, what'll we do?

Well, now, let me
see. Acting job. Act...

I have a friend who has
a little theater downtown.

I'll write a play for her.

Oh, she's in trouble enough now.

No, I'll tell you what we do.

We'll go shopping, then
on our way to her house,

we'll put our heads
together and make a plan.

After all, two heads
are better than one.

Yeah, and we've got three heads.

Well, yes, if we can
count yours, but...

Lew, darling, I feel very flattered
that they doubled their offer,

but even if they gave me three
times the money, I'd still say no.

I don't need it. I
don't want to work.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh-oh, I'll have to hang up
now. Somebody's at the door.

Come in!

Yeah. All right, all right. If you
want to call me later, go ahead.

We're back again.

We would like for you
to meet Mr. Mooney.

He's the president of the
Good Samaritan Society.

How do you do, Mr. Mooney?

How do you do?
These are for you.

- All for you. Yep.
- For me? Why?

Every week the Good Samaritan
Society gives a prize to a Good Samaritan.

And this week, you won it for
giving us those refreshments

and letting us make
that phone call.

Well, this is
very nice, but I...

Good heavens!

What's the matter?

You're Joan Crawford!

Yes, sir, I am.

Oh, it's Joan Crawford! And
we didn't even recognize her.

Thank you. I do
appreciate winning all this.

And I'm sure you can find
somebody else who really needs it.

Tut-tut, Miss Crawford. You
are the exceptional person.

- We never change
our selection. LUCY: No.

In that case, I
accept with thanks.

Your organization sounds
like a very wonderful one.

Now, if there is anything
I can ever do for you or it,

don't hesitate to
call on me, please.

We'll just call on you now because
our organization is putting on a show.

LUCY: Oh, and you can
star in it. VIVIAN: Yes!

Oh, I don't know about that.

LUCY: It's for
charity, Miss Crawford.

You'll be helping a
lot of needy people.

- All right.
- Oh, ha.

If it's for charity, I'll
be glad to appear.

- Oh, wonderful. Wonderful.
- Good, good.

We'll make all the
arrangements and let you know.

You don't have to
worry about a thing.

I'd like to be a good hostess and
offer you some cake and coffee,

but, you see, my
maid is off today.

Oh, now, then, we understand.

However, I still have
some lemonade left.

I'll be right back.

Oh, she's so nice.

- Oh, that is a dear sweet soul.
- Yes.

- She still has "a little lemonade left."
- Yeah. Well, she...

I'm so happy she agreed to appear
on the show. That's half the battle.

When we put it on, I'll make sure
the audience is full of movie producers.

Oh, and when they see how
beautiful she is, she's sure to get a job.

- Yeah. Shh! Shh!
- I think so.

Here you are.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

I'm sorry this is
all I can offer you.

- Mr. Mooney, this is for you.
- Oh, how nice of you. Thank you.

- And this is for you, my dear.
- Oh, thank you so much.

And this is for you.

She gave her a paper cup because
when we were here earlier, she had...

I'll tell you all
about it later.

Well, now let's all drink a
toast to the success of the show.

Cheers.

Oh.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]

[BAND PLAYING SLOW MUSIC]

- Say, Rusty?
- Yeah, Cuddles?

I hear that Scarface has
hired another dime-a-dance girl.

Right. Scarface is always hiring
dames and I'm always getting rid of them.

Yeah, but I hear this
one's a good-looking doll.

So?

So ain't you afraid she'll
take Scarface away from you?

No, she ain't got a chance.
Scarface likes my type.

Cultured.

Yeah, you sure got class, Rusty.

Like what you just
done with your gum.

Yeah, class is something
you're born with.

Either you got it, or you
ain't. You can't inquire it.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

MAN: Come on in.

Hey, what is that?

Well, it ain't the Flying Nun.

Maybe that's the new girl, huh?

If it is, you're in trouble.
She's really got class.

Oh, stop.

Excuse me, but do
you all work here?

- Yeah, I'm Rusty.
- I'm Cuddles.

I'm Cynthia.

Cynthia?

I'm the new girl.

Oh, yeah? Well, sit down,
kid, we'll teach you the ropes.

Thank you, ma'am.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I just can't tell you
how happy I am to meet you all.

I just love being here.

Well, now, look,
Honeysuckle Rose.

You're inside now, so why
don't you get rid of that umbrella.

Oh. Oh, I'm sure
enough sorry, ma'am.

- I'll take care of it for you.
- Thank you, ma'am.

Oh.

So this is what a little
old speakeasy looks like.

Well, ain't you never been in
a "little old" speakeasy before?

Heavenly days, no!

Well, then how come
you took this job?

- Well, I have to work.
- Ah.

I'm the sole support of
my mommy and my daddy

and my grandmommy
and my granddaddy

and my four nieces, my
nephew and my five sisters.

I'm also putting my brother
through medical school.

Well, honey, all you're gonna
earn here is ten cents a dance.

How do you expect to
feed all them relatives?

Oh, I'm taking all the
doggie bags home.

Well, boll my weevil.

The drinks are on the
house. What'll you have, girls?

- Gin.
- Gin.

Milk.

ALL: Milk?!

Well, I never drink hard liquor.

Oh, look, kid. Gin
isn't hard liquor.

Gin's just short for ginger ale.

I didn't know that!

Well, it's so.

- I'll have gin!
- You'll have gin. Yeah.

[VIVIAN HUMS]

[GRUNTS]

I, uh...

Sugar, are you sure you
never had hard liquor before?

Oh, no, ma'am. All
I ever drink is milk.

Well, you better keep
an eye on your milkman.

Listen, you ain't kidding
me with that innocent act.

I'm warning you, you
keep away from Scarface.

He's my guy and I'm
gonna hang onto him.

We've been through
tough times together, see.

It may not show,
but I've suffered.

It shows.

What kind of cr*ck is that?

[g*nf*re]

Scarface is coming.

How do you all know?

I recognize his knock.

Okay, chief!

- Hi, Cuddles.
- Hi.

SCARFACE: Hi, Rusty.
- Hi.

Hello, baby.

Hello, Mr. Scareface.

That's Scarface, baby! Scarface.

Gee, Scarface, you're
sure in a good mood tonight.

- Would you like to dance?
- I'd love to.

Okay, honey.

Not with you!

Her. Music!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]

[g*nsh*t]

You sit this one out.

- Shall we?
- I'd be delighted.

[BAND RESUMES PLAYING]

Hold on! Hold it!

[MUSIC STOPS]

I'd like to talk to you.

Yes, ma'am.

[g*nshots]

I think you missed.

Oh, yeah? Wait'll she
takes her next drink of milk.

She'll leak like a sieve.

Music!

[BAND RESUMES PLAYING]

- Miss Crawford!
- Miss Crawford!

JOAN: I'm coming!

I'm coming.

Oh, Miss Crawford,
have we got news for you!

Your worries are over.

Oh, please don't tell me I won
another Good Samaritan Award.

Oh, no. No.

No, no, better than that. Offers
for jobs have been pouring in!

- Jobs? LUCY: Yes!

Joan, producers have been calling
me all morning with picture offers for you

because of some benefit
you played last night.

Oh, the producers saw her
in the show that we put on.

But I don't want any.

Now, Miss Crawford, please don't
let your pride stand in your way.

Joanie, you owe it to your public
to make another motion picture,

even if you don't
need the money.

That's right,
even if you don't...

You don't need the money?!

No.

Of course not. She's been
turning down movie offers for years.

- Oh, and I thought you were poor.
- And I tried to get you a job.

And I blew bucks
for a care package.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
as usual, this is your fault!

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney, I
thought she was broke.

The way she was dressed and there
wasn't a stick of furniture around here.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell
you I was redecorating the house.

Oh.

And, Mr. Mooney, your
basket of food was not wasted.

I donated it to a
very worthy charity.

Oh, good, then it's deductible.

I know, I'm deducting it.

Joan, if you don't
want to go back to work,

perhaps you can help
somebody else to get a job.

Certainly. How?

I have a picture offer for another actor
who appeared in the show with you.

- Now, I'd like the name...
- It's me! It's me!

I'm afraid not. The producer said
he was interested in the fat one.

Oh, that's me! That's me!

I don't think so. He said, "A
fat one with a moustache."

Oh, well, when you've
got it, you've got it.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]
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