03x21 - The Physics of Being d*ck

Episode transcripts for the TV show "3rd Rock From the Sun". Aired: January 9, 1996 – May 22, 2001.*
Watch/Buy Amazon

Four extraterrestrials who are on an expedition to Earth, the third planet from the Sun, which they consider to be a very insignificant planet.
Post Reply

03x21 - The Physics of Being d*ck

Post by bunniefuu »

She thinks she is all that,
but she is not all that.

Oh, no, girlfriend, do not
go there. Do not go there!

Oh, damn! She went there.

Well, I better get
back to the station.

Time to go on duty?

No. I'm on duty. It's
time to punch out.

Well, I'll see you thursday,
tommy, at career day.

Career day?

What career day? I've
heard nothing of this.

It's nothing, d*ck. It's
just a bunch of bores

Blabbing on about what they do.

You wouldn't be interested.

Wait. d*ck not interested
in talking about himself?

I know! That's insane.

Oh, don't be silly, tommy.

Once your classmates
hear me speak,

You'll be the toast
of the school.

Are you kidding, d*ck?

You're a physics professor.

I mean, that's
almost as dorky as...

I got nothing.

I'm stumped.

This is outrageous!

I'm wise. I'm revered.

And I work damn hard! Who do
you think puts food on the table?

I put it there.

I'm going with
america's farmers.

There's food on the table?

Oh, now, stop it.

If you people
think it's so easy,

Why don't you get a job
and work for a change?

I'm glad that was a
question and not an order.

d*ck: it's an order!

Well, I'm glad it's an order
and not a direct order.

d*ck: it's a direct order!

I'm glad it's a direct order...

d*ck: go get the want ads!

Hey, guys.

Is d*ck here?

No.

I wanted to talk to him.

Why?

Well, I'm looking for work.

There were some sweet gigs on
the pendelton research board,

But I don't know which
one to do, like here.

I can get 50 bucks if I let
them rub solvents in my eyes.

Oh, sally, that...
That's not good.

Really? Well, I could sign
up for the hornet sting study,

But I didn't bring a swimsuit.

Dr. Albright is looking
for a research assistant.

Really?!

Uh...

Yes, but it's just grunt work.

I mean, it doesn't pay
hornet study money.

Oh, that's ok. What
do I have to do?

Uh, well, I'm giving a talk
next week at the faculty club.

Some bolivian
professors will be there,

And I'm going to be discussing
the culture of the aymara indians.

And I'm your date?

No, you're my fact checker.

You just go to the library and make
sure all my information is accurate.

Hmm, I would've gone
with the hornets.

Good morning, mary.

Good morning.

Sally, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm doing some
anthropology stuff for albright.

You're what?

See ya, boss.

Well, that's just great!

You never show any
interest in physics!

Well, d*ck, there's
good reason for that.

It's physics.

Like anthropology is so hot?

I mean, sure,
there's naked people,

But... Once you get past that,

It's really just...

What?

I don't know. I can't get
past the naked people.

You know how they say
if you really want a job,

It'll just fall
right in your lap?

Uh, no.

And how desperation is
the surest road to success.

I never heard that.

Why do they say
those things? Why?

I'm not sure they do.

I fell for the lies.

Pounded the pavement,
and now here I am.

There are no jobs
for guys like me.

You know, I've been looking for
a new bartender for a while now.

Do you mind, buddy? We're
talking about my problems now.

I'm saying I need
somebody to start today.

Uh, yeah. Well, I guess
you're out of luck.

Why, what do you got going on?

I'm looking for a job, brainiac!

Morning, class, I'm...

Sorry I'm...

So late.

A funny thing happened today.

I learned that
there is a, uh, a...

Small group of people

That doesn't find physics
absolutely exhilarating.

Isn't that hilarious?

Exactly.

So I was wondering,

What drove you to take it?

Well, uh, it's required.

And we want to graduate.

So that's all that brings you
back to my class, a requirement?

Not one of you yearns
for a career in physics?

Not one soul longs to
make physics his lifework?

Not one among you
aspires to place physics...

Dr. Solomon.

Leon, please, tell
me you have to pee.

Guess what.

What?

I found a mistake
in your speech.

Oh... Ok. Let's hear it.

Ok. This is so great. Ok.

Here on page 2,

You say there aren't any aymaran
communities on the high plains,

But dirkson's survey
says there are.

No, there aren't.

Yeah, but dirkson
says there are.

All right. Maybe
there's one or 2,

But my point still stands.

No. Ok, but dirkson says...

Forget dirkson!

Just go back there
and concentrate on...

On place names and
spellings and things like that.

Ok?

Man, who d*ed and
made her dirkson?

Look, sally, if you're
gonna work for dr. Albright,

There are a couple of things
you need to understand.

One: she doesn't like to be
corrected when she's wrong.

And 2: she's often wrong.

Wait, wait. So, I
shouldn't tell her

Her breath smells like a
sock full of horseradish?

I didn't.

But, hey, that's my boss.

I just can't please him.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Exactly. I just can't win.

Well, what are you gonna do?

You said it.

You know, I got a
family to think about.

What are you gonna do?

Hey, you know you're right.

Tomorrow, I'm going down there,

And I'm gonna tell him
what he can do with his job.

Harry, thanks for listening.

Hey, what am I gonna do?

Harry, I need a drink.

You and everyone else.

I got the whole town of
rutherford drinking again.

Harry!

All right!

What is wrong with this world?

You dole out moonshine to
a roomful of boozehounds

And everybody loves you,

While I shape young minds with
the elegant laws of physics,

And what do I get? Nothing.

Here's the deal, d*ck.

Around here, a guy can't
even give peach schnapps away.

But you put it in a pineapple
glass, add a little umbrella,

Call it a sh**t, I can't
make 'em fast enough.

Harry, that's brilliant!

You're saying I gotta give
physics a little razzle-dazzle,

Right?

Ok.

Of course! This is the nineties.

Kids want what's cool. They
want the latest, the here and now.

They want the fonz!

Ayyy!

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to career day!

All right! You do that!

What an idiot.

Harry, did some
joker put my number up

On the men's room wall?

Ooh, I don't think so.

Well, be a doll and
put it up there, will ya...

Before that big guy with
the beard takes a leak?

Hi. Am I interrupting?

No. Come in.

What's wrong? Find
another mistake?

No. Nothing.

Really?

Really. I went through
it with a fine-tooth comb.

This baby is gold.

Great.

What about the
population of circuata?

I was just guessing on it.

That was a guess?

You nailed it!

Well, I've always been
pretty good with trends

In that part of the hemisphere.

Listen, I gotta tell you,

After reading dirkson,
your stuff was refreshing.

But substantial, like, uh,
gatorade, but with meat in it.

Sally, let me buy you lunch.

We can go to the oak room.

The oak room?

You deserve a treat.

Well, I spent the
day with your speech.

I think I've had my treat.

Dear god!

They have chocolate cheesecake.

Of course, I should probably
just apply it directly to my thighs.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

That's oh so funny!

Oh, yeah. All right.

Step right up, kids, and
meet the girls of physics.

Here's one...

Are you really a
licensed bikini inspector?

Uh, kind of. I'm a physics
professor, you understand?

Now, friends, let me tell you
about a little thing called physics.

You know what makes
a car go fast? Physics.

And you know what makes a
curve ball curve? Why, physics!

And you know what's
got me standing here

Instead of floating out the
window like a puff of smoke?

Inertia, with a capital "i".

That rhymes with pi,
and that starts with "p",

And that stands for physics.

Your father is an insult
to this entire school.

I don't see your dad here.

Uh, my dad is performing
open-heart surgery right now.

Oh, couldn't cut it
as a brain surgeon?

Now, let me tell you about
something that's really hot.

Inasmuch as "e" equals
cosine "m" plus "i" sine "m",

We get arbitrary values of
the separation constant "p".

Now, watch this.

I'm sorry I'm late, kids,

But I was involved in one of the
world's scariest police chases.

How'd it end?

The guy got away.

Oh!

But I rolled my car.

Cool! Cool!

Oh, man, I want to be a cop.

It's not all glamour, kids,
but it's mostly glamour.

Oh, and, uh, g*ns.

Cool! Cool!

And what makes that
policeman's g*n so cool? Physics!

Kinetic energy
generates the velocity

With which the b*llet
exits the barrel,

While the ballistic coefficient
and sectional density

Determine the
damage to its targets.

g*ns don't k*ll people.
Physics kills people!

Ooh... Ohh!

Tony!

d*ck, I told you, you shouldn't
have come to career day.

Oh, when we first came to this
planet, I could've gotten any job.

Cowboy, rock star,
international superspy.

Why did I choose physics?

d*ck, you know what they say.

When life gives you lemons,

Just shut up and
eat the damn lemons.

Well, I've had it.

I renounce physics and
all its uses and applications,

Including conservation
of momentum.

Woo hoo hoo.

I'm out. I'm out.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Yo, doobie.

Give me a margarita, harry.

What about your job?

I'm on the job right
now, baby. Rocks, no salt.

Are you telling me that mary's
presentation is already perfect?

Well, she thinks it is, and I'm
getting paid not to argue. Ka-ching!

[Ding]

You got lucky, damn you.

I'll tell you the secret.
You just pucker up,

Vapor-lock onto your
boss's butt, and hold on.

No independent thought required.

In fact, it just
gets in your way.

Free thinkers die in
the dirt like dogs, sally.

Here's your booze.

Sally.

Doobie, my
hollow-legged lady friend.

One-eyed jimmy's gonna go
out back and fight a midget.

You wanna watch?

Yeah. Let's go.

Citizens.

Don!

Ah, what'll it be, officer?

Oh, I'm just in the neighborhood
checking things out.

You got it. One
free cheeseburger.

Don't be stingy with the onions.

Harry, I'd like a
free cheeseburger.

You got it. That'll be 6 bucks.

Oh! That's it! I want a new job!

A job that comes with respect,
stature, and free cheeseburgers.

I want your job.

d*ck, you don't know the
first thing about being a cop.

It's a gritty job, where a good day
is one where you come home alive.

Isn't that pretty much
a good day for anyone?

[Police radio call]

I gotta go back to the station.

They're bringing in a suspect.

Hey, don, I want to go.

I want to hold a g*n
and flash a badge.

I don't know, d*ck. It's
illegal, it's dangerous,

And it violates the sacred oath
I took when I joined the force.

So don't tell anyone.

Let's go!

All right, d*ck. We're
gonna go in there.

We're gonna do a little
thing we like to call

"Good cop, bad cop."

You're good cop.

I'm down with that.

I'm glad. All right, here we go.

Hi, jonesy, I'm d*ck.
I like your shirt.

So, you say that you
didn't rob any gas station.

Right, jonesy? Yeah.

Right. Now, i...

I believe you, but...

The thing is...

You're scum!

I find chunks of you in my puke!

So don't you jerk me around!

d*ck!

We'll be right back.

You're supposed to be good cop.

I am!

You're raising the bar too high.
You know how bad I have to be now?

Real bad!

I couldn't help myself.

Why don't you be good cop?

That way, I can
go as big as I want.

Ok, I'll be good cop.

Oh, well, you'll have to,
uh, excuse my partner.

He's got a real mean streak,

But... I want to help you out.

See, I know that
you're a nice...

Oh!

We'll be right back.

What's the matter with you?

I'm always good cop.

This was my one
chance to be bad cop.

But I'm a bad good cop.

You're not even a cop!

Well, can't we both be bad cop?

But the whole concept is...

Oh, whatever.

Now, I want answers!

And I really want answers!

Thank you for inviting
me to your conference.

How do I look?

You look fine.

I love bolivian men.

They're like hondurans,
without all the attitude.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Ohh, dr. Albright,

What a great suit!

Well, thank you, sally.

Sally, you smell
like jagermeister.

Somebody spilled it
on me in the library.

Well, once again, I was
completely unnecessary.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd swear you were a moron.

Aymaran.

Aymaran.

Come on. We're your friends.

You did it, right?

No.

Come on.

You can tell us.

No. I didn't do it.

Well, so much for
good cop, good cop.

There's no such thing!

I told you, there's only
one permutation that works.

Ok. I have this idea.

Sad cop, somewhat
effeminate cop.

Get out!

Go home, d*ck.

You are not cop material.

I have to be!

It's not you. It's just not you.

You're right.

Apparently, I was
put on this earth

To bore a bunch of unreceptive
dimwits to the end of my days.

It's my lot in life.

Well, I think we both learned something
today. Let's have lunch sometime.

Look...

Why don't you just let me go?

Because I know
you did it, jonesy!

You jumped the fence,
and you stole the money.

But you got no proof.

Besides, I couldn't
jump that fence.

It's physically impossible.

Physically impossible?

That's where you're wrong.

You may not have much
respect for the law, jonesy,

But there's one law
that you can't break:

Coulomb's third law
of universal gravitation.

What?

It states that the
force between 2 objects

Is proportional to the algebraic
products of their respective charges,

As well as proportional
to the inverse square

Of the distance between them!

But of course, you knew
that, didn't you, jonesy?

Not... Not all of it.

You're object "x,"

And the fence is object "y."

Now, where "v" is the
velocity of the 2 objects,

And "r" is the
distance between them,

And "e" is a unit vector directed
from the first object to the second,

We see that the fence
proved little challenge.

Well... I guess.

You guess! I bet you guess.

And so we see
that "x" equals zero

As "y" approaches infinity!

That's how you avoided
the security camera.

That's how you managed
to get back over the fence.

That's how they found you exactly
1.3 miles from the crime scene,

Proving that you and only you

Could have perpetrated
this heinous crime!

There's the proof!

Ok! Ok! Ok! You got me!

I did it! I did it!

My god! What kind
of a cop are you?

I'm not a cop!

I'm a physics professor!

Of course, my dad
didn't say anything.

He never did.

And how did that
make you feel, chet?

Angry.

Worthless.

Oh. But you know that's not
true, now don't you, chet?

Yeah... Yeah, I do.

All right!

[Sighs] well...

[Ding]

Happy hour's over, chet.

But I think we made
some real progress.

I feel better.

Yeah. And just remember...

Don't stop drinking.

Thanks, harry.

All right, buddy.

Line 'em up, harry.

5 Martinis.

No, harry.

Dr. Albright, we should
take you home now.

No, nina. I have brain cells
that will remember this evening,

And I want them destroyed!

Hey, dr. Albright,
how did your talk go?

How did my talk go?

Let's see.

First of all,

The bolivians were highly amused

When I confused the
name of their president

With the word for kayak.

But they stopped
laughing when...

In their native tongue,
I welcomed them to my...

Womany place and told them...

I told them there was
room for everyone!

Tell her how you told them
that their country was a...

Shining example of goat death.

I hope this isn't in
any way my fault.

It's all your fault!

You were supposed
to check these things!

You're absolutely right. I
let you down completely.

Yes, you did! What
were you thinking?

I have no excuse.
It's just... It's just...

Really intimidating
when you work for...

For what?

Say it.

A bitch?!

No.

A genius!

Well, that's nice, but...

I'm a professional,

And I expect other people
to be professional with me.

Of course you do.

God, what have I done?

I've let down the
brightest woman alive!

Oh, god!

[Sobbing]

Oh, sally...

Don't b*at yourself up.

Let me buy you a drink.

Margarita... Rocks. No salt.

Harry!

[Ding]

And so, using
coulomb's third law,

I was able to
prove that he did it.

What does that
have to do with it?

Nothing.

All I proved was that he's
rotating around the sun.

But he didn't know that.

That's the wonderful
thing about physics.

Nobody understands it.

So you can use your knowledge
to bully people into submission.

Well, that's the plan.

As long as america's educational
system remains woefully inadequate,

I rule.

Yes, you really do.

What you do is amazing.

Thank you, sally.

Sometimes I wish you were dead

So they could
put you on a stamp.

Sally, you're not
kissing my butt, are you?

A man of your stature?
I wouldn't dare.

Well, good. Here's 20 bucks.

Thanks.

So, d*ck...

Now that you're feeling
better about your career again,

Do I have to keep
working at the bar?

Oh-no, harry.

Oh, good. There's just
too much pressure.

All those people
and their problems.

No. There's too much pressure in
the soda g*n. You could put an eye out.

Why do you think they
call him one-eyed jimmy?

Wait, he lost his eye from soda?

Yeah. Root beer.

No wonder he's angry.

I would be.

So how was the fight?
Post Reply