04x05 - What's Love Got to Do, Got to Do with d*ck?

[bunniefuu]

Oh, sign here.

What? No, no.

I requested a vault
and a pommel horse.

I'll k*ll myself on this.

Dean albright requested it.

She did?

She did?!

Mary!

Mary! You're coming back to me!

Uh, d*ck, I'm kind of busy.

Of course. Busy resigning
from your post as dean!

Oh, mary, now we'll
have time again.

Time for us. Let's go!

d*ck, I'm not resigning.

But the desk in my office...

Our office.

Oh, that. It's for dr. Ravelli,

Our new professor of
comparative literature.

She's from harvard.

Harvard. How nice.

I'm sure I memoed you about it.

So it's come to that, has it?

I'm now nothing more
to you than a tiny "cc"

At the bottom of a memo.

Just another name
on the distribution list,

Dictated but not read.

d*ck, you know that's not true.

Do i?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've been terribly busy.

How about we spend
some time together?

Tonight. Just the 2 of us.

Really?

Absolutely. I'll bring the wine.

Say, uh, 6:00?

You've got the
roundtable on tenure.

7:00 Steering committee.

8:00?

Well, you're open, but I
could make something up.

8:00.

8:00. I'll see you at my place.

Oh, and, uh, lucy...

What are you doing at 8:00?

Nothing.

That's right.

Tommy, could you get me a bottle
of bourbon from the back room?

Yeah, you got it.

Hey, hey, hey, harry.

I don't mind your underage nephew
helping out around the bar here,

But I'm not paying him.

Oh, no, that's ok.
I work for beer.

All right.

So, eric, uh, how long have
you been working with don?

Just a couple of weeks.

I'm... I'm waiting to
get into the k-9 unit.

Oh, what's the holdup?

Well, our... Our dog ran away.

But we're putting up fliers.

So, eric, when do I get
to meet your girlfriend?

Uh... I don't have
one right now.

You don't have a girlfriend?

No.

Why? Is there something
weird about you?

No.

Sally, come on. Eric just hasn't
met the right girl, that's all.

Well, we're gonna have
to do something about that.

Don: uh...

Why?

I don't know.

I mean, we're so happy together.

I just want to see all our
single friends to be just like us.

Oh... Ah, I don't think you
want to do that, sally.

Yeah, I definitely do.

Is there any way I can stop you?

I don't think so.

Oh...

Look, I'm really not looking...

You know, this isn't about you.

Hey, harry, check
this thing out.

Ohh! A hand truck. Good for you.

Look what's on the hand truck.

What the hell is that?

Oh, that's an old bar
game. The "love tester."

It's been busted for years.

Well, can I fix it?

Knock yourself out.

Well, what does it do?

Well, it tells you how
good a lover you are.

Oh, how? You make love to it?

No, you... You just
put your hand on it.

Then after a couple of
dates, you make love to it.

No, you just put a nickel in it.

Wow. A nickel
for all that lovin'.

She's 3 hours late!

Now, d*ck, just calm down.

It's reprehensible!

She's a very busy woman.

It's so insulting!

d*ck, calm down.

I can't!

Now, don't do this to yourself.

You're worth more than this.

Mary: ♪ hello ♪

How dare you!

Oh, d*ck, I'm so sorry.

The tenure committee bumped
into the steering committee,

And then the wheels came off.

Oh. Well, thanks to you, I
had to eat both our dinners,

And I'm uncomfortably full!

You know, it's just as well.

That new professor,
dr. Ravelli, just got into town,

And I told her I'd take
her out for drinks.

Oh, ravelli!

It's bad enough she's
taking over half my office.

Now this! She's
ruining everything.

I want her to go away!

Oh, come on, d*ck.
She's very nice.

You're going to like her.

No, I won't!

I want things to be like
they used to be, mary.

Make love to me,

Right here on this table,

Like we always
used to want to do.

Oh, d*ck, I'd love to,
but I've got to run.

How about tomorrow...

Ok.

No, I've got an 8:00.

Thursday's no good.

I'll pencil you in for
a week from monday.

Oh, good.

A week from monday, 8:30.

Good.

Quarter of 9:00.

Good. 9-Ish.

Bye. Good.

Bye-bye.

A week from monday!

Well, at least she's
making an effort.

Oh. I see you're getting
ready for the arrival

Of professor mcbitch!

Her name is ravelli.

Oh, and my caustic joke
on her name is "mcbitch."

Hmm... That's clever.

"Hello, I'm professor mcbitch.

I come from harvard."

How snooty!

She's probably told
all her harvard cronies

How she's crowding out
that solomon bumpkin.

Bumpkin...

How dare she call me that!

And this is your office.

Oh, uh, jennifer ravelli,
meet d*ck solomon.

Oh, helloo.

Oh, what a delightfully eclectic

Sense of décor you have.

Ah, the mockery begins.

Oh, I love it! How whimsical!

Ok, the potato man...

We don't touch that.

Ah, jennifer, have you met
your assistant nina campbell?

Uh, d*ck, maybe you could take
jennifer on a tour of the campus later on.

Oh, fine. But
we'll have to walk.

My rusty old tater
truck's in the shop,

And I plum forgot my mule.

Ha ha ha. Play nice.

So you teach
literature, dr. Ravelli?

The classics... Chaucer,
mollére, cervantes...

So you read books for a living.

And they pay me. Imagine!

Soooo-eeeee.

Pig, pig, pig, pig.

Nina! Aah!

Sally!

Funny running
into you here, huh?

Uh-huh.

Hey! It just occurred to me.

I have the perfect guy for you.

His name is eric. He's
great. You gotta meet him.

Really? Well, what's he like?

He's like... A guy.

You gotta meet him.

Well, how old is he?

I don't know.

Old enough, if that's
what you're worried about.

Well, is he black?

Uh, does it matter?

No, but it would
be nice, though.

Then he's black!

Are you sure?

Uh...

Yep, he's black.
Isn't that great?

Great.

Oh, great.

Well, harry,

Thanks to my selfless efforts,

Right about now, nina and
eric are probably doin' it.

It's only 7:00.

They're probably
still in the restaurant.

Ooh. Hope they got a booth.

All right. Ok, I
think I fixed it.

Let's try it out.

Machine: ♪ nyah nyah ♪

"Cold fish"?

I thought I had it working.

Here, let me try it.

"Hot stuff."

Looks like it's working to me.

Out of my way.

♪ Nyah nyah ♪

This doesn't make any sense.

Hmm. Well, don't
worry about it, tommy.

It probably just means that
I'm a lot sexier than you are.

Ladies.

Good morning, dr. Solomon.

Good morning.

I think perchance we picked a
wrong foot off which to start.

So allow me this olive
branch, if you will,

In the form of a cappuccino.

Oh, thank you.

I don't know about you,

But I like my "cappies"
as I like my entendres...

Double.

And I like my "cappies" as
I like my french farces...

Scalding yet frothy.

What are those?

Oh, just a few books
from my collection.

Some illuminated manuscripts I
picked up in wales last summer

And a first edition
of pride and prejudice.

Oh, impressive.

Ah, that's leather.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's over 100 years old.

I'm sorry.

That's gilt! Sorry.

That, too!

And... Hand-stenciled!

Don quixote.

Yes, it's very rare.

"Sin su general y el castillo

Sin su castellano..."

Very good.

But you don't get the full impact
unless you hear it in its true dialect.

Castillian.

Castillian?

Well, if I may...

"Sin su general y el castillo

"Sin su castellano.

Así como suele decirse..."

I thee.

Nina!

Aah! Sally!

You sure are around
here a lot, aren't you?

I work here. What
are you doing here?

Great, yeah. I hear
that... By the way, uh...

How was your date with eric?

Oh, it was fun.

Did I not tell you
he's a great guy?

Yes, you did.

Yes, I did!

All right, when are you
going to see him again?

Oh, I don't think I'm
going to, but thanks.

He really is nice.

What?

No, no. You-you're
talking crazy.

We just didn't spark.

I'm sorry, sally.

Not acceptable.

And once again.

"La mujer casada

Y moza sin su marido."

No, make the tongue heavier.

Casada.

Cathada.

Sin su marido.

Thin thu marido.

Roll the "r."

It starts in the
back of the throat

An slowly off the
tongue and off the lips.

Marrrrrido.

Yes. I have a class.
We'll pick this up later.

Oh, yes, please. You're
a very inspiring teacher.

With very shiny hair.

I'll see you later.

Oh, have a nice class.

Bye-bye. Good luck.

Have a nice class.

So did you manage
to go 5 minutes

Without biting
dr. Ravelli's head off?

Oh, yes. In fact,
she's perfectly nice.

Delightful woman. I love her.

I love her?!

What's the matter with me?

What have I done wrong?

You haven't done anything wrong.

No, I have!

Earth's not supposed
to work this way.

I know how it works.
You love one person.

For me, that's mary.

That's the one hard, solid fact
I've always been able to count on.

And now there's this jennifer.

What's going on?

Aw, this planet's screwy!

Oh, I mean, nina and eric
are made for each other,

But I can't get them to see it.

Well, you guys, maybe
it's time to give up.

I don't know the meaning
of the words "give up."

Well, "give" is a
verb meaning...

I know the meaning of the words!

I just don't know
what's what anymore!

How can love work this way?

It's totally random.

It's just electricity.
You can't control it.

It doesn't mean anything.

You really think that's true?

Of course it's true. That's
just the way the machine works.

"Cold fish." Aah!

Well, d*ck, maybe it's
the office, you know.

Maybe you're destined
to fall in love with

Whoever you share
the office with.

That's ridiculous.

If loved worked that way,

There'd be office
romances all over the place.

Businessmen having affairs
with their secretaries. Please!

I can't let this happen.

No matter how
tempting jennifer is,

I must be strong!

I loosened it for you.

d*ck?

d*ck!

d*ck!

Hello. Yes.

No, I can't talk right now.

I'll have to call you back.

d*ck, you scamp!

What game is this, then?

I-i-i'm sorry, jennifer.

I can't really talk just now.

I have a lot of
work, as you can see.

No, no. I see, yes.

Back to the salt mines.

Ha ha. That's right.

Why won't you look at me?

Oh, I'm not not looking at you.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not, and besides, I have
excellent peripheral vision.

You never really
know what I'm looking at.

All right.

What's that I smell?

Oh, is that me? I
wore perfume today.

Antonia's flowers... A
scent of the hamptons.

Is it too strong?

No, no. It's quite nice.

In fact, it's...

Delicately, delightfully,

Teasingly...

Stinking! It's giving me a
headache. Please go away.

I'm sorry, d*ck. I'm sorry.

What's so funny?

Oh, it's mollére.

Oh, i... I never read him.

Oh, you must. Listen.

"Girl, you talk to
much, and, I'm afraid,

You're far too saucy
for a lady's maid."

Amusing, no?

No!

Well, then, why
are you laughing?

Oh, I don't know.

You make me...

Oh, I don't know...

Excuse me! Mary!

Mary!

You're got to move
jennifer out of my office.

d*ck, I don't have
time for this.

Well, you've got to make time.

Ok. What's she doing
that's so horrible?

Well...

Ok, well...

Well, she wears this perfume.

I... I try to work
but i... There it is,

Wafting all the
way over to my desk.

Wafting... Uh-huh.

Well, she... She...
She has this laugh.

It's infectious. Like a disease!

Yeah?

Ok, uh, this might
not sound like much,

But she touches her hair a lot.

And... And... And...

Oh, never mind.

d*ck, you wanted her out
before you even met her.

If you just got to know her

A little better...

No, mary, please, help me,

Before our whole world comes
crashing down around our heads.

d*ck, you're an adult.

If you have a problem with her,

Deal with it yourself.

But, mary, I can't...

Oh. Hello?

Oh, thank you for calling back.

Yes. It's about
the 3:00 meeting.

I can't possibly
make it until 3:45.

Is that a problem?

Oh...

Well, could you possibly
coordinate with them

And find out if they
can make it at 3:45?

Ok. Favorite foods.

Nina?

Can you believe this?

Did she tell you
there was a party?

She told me open sushi bar.

Listen, guys, I had no idea
that she was gonna do this.

I can't say that I'm surprised,

But I had no idea.

Ok, come on, guys.
Let's focus here!

Ok, turnons, turnoffs.

Sally, I have to warn you,

I'm about to scratch
your eyeballs out!

Sally, can we
powwow for a moment?

Aah!

Can you believe this?

Unreal.

I mean, jeez, I already
told her our date sucked.

Isn't that enough?

Excuse me. Sucked?

Sucked? Did I say sucked?

Yeah, it sucked.

Sally! They're not
into each other.

Just let it be.

No, don, I know what I'm doing.

I just want them to
be as happy as we are.

But we... We weren't
forced together, sally.

We came together naturally.

I mean, you were this...
This... Huge boulder,

And I was this
tiny drop of water.

And it took time,
but I kept dripping...

Drip, drip, drip...

Until I wore you down.

Yeah, you did.

And now look at us.

You're still a boulder,

But I've worn a nice
little crease in you.

Oh, you're right, don.

If eric and nina
are gonna find love,

They're just gonna have
to do it on their own.

♪ Nyah nyah ♪

Hey... Why so
blue, little buddy?

I'm a cold fish.

I'm destined to
live my life alone,

Unable to ignite the faintest
flicker of lust in any woman.

Oh, yeah, I know how you feel.

How can you know how I feel?

You're hot stuff!

The world's your
freakin' oyster, man!

Tommy!

Aah! Oh!

Jennifer.

d*ck, you scared me
well-nigh to death.

I've been waiting for you.

For me?

We have to nip this
thing in the bud.

It pains me to say this,
but we can't be an item.

We can't be an item?

No, we can't.

And it's not because
you're not beautiful,

Because... You know you are.

And I can't pretend that your
intellect doesn't intrigue me,

Because I'd like to
drill holes in your head

And suck all your
thoughts out with a straw.

I'd love nothing more than to
sweep you off your feet right now

And take you away
to some distant island

Where we could romp
naked in the crystal waters

And pay way too much for
mediocre food, but what can we do?

It's basically a monopoly,

And the service is pretty good.

But I can't! I can't!

And that's going
to have to be final!

I had no idea. Oh, d*ck!

I've never thought
of you that way.

You haven't?

No.

Oh, good.

Until... You said that.

I would never have dared
dream that I could ignite a passion

In such a distinguished
mind as yours.

Distinguished?

Oh, yes!

I didn't mean for
this to happen.

I didn't mean for any of
this to... To... To happen.

"Hope is a lover's staff.

Walk hence with that and manage
it against despairing thoughts."

That's beautiful.

That's shakespeare.

He's good.

Oh, come on, tommy.

Who cares what the machine says?

You've got a lot going for you.

You're cute.

Great.

Oh, come on, tommy.

There's someone out
there for everyone.

You're a cold fish, so what?

Find yourself a
nice frigid girl.

Really?

Yeah! Go on...

Rock on, fish boy!