04x09 - Happy New d*ck!

[bunniefuu]

Uh, yes, hello. It seems
that a generous donation

Has been made in my name
to your organization,

And I was wondering,

How does your
return policy work?

Yes, I'm serious.

I want you to march some of
those dimes right back my way.

Hello?

Hello?!

Merry christmas, dr. Solomon.

I baked you some cookies.

Oh!

Thank you, nina.

And I got this for you.

You're making the
world a better place.

And don't try to
get your money back,

Because they won't give you
the time of day over there.

Well, it's official!

The first annual albright

New year's fondue party is on!

That's great.

Wow! Ph.d.s and melted cheese!

The cops are going to
have their hands full.

I've got to tell you, d*ck,

I'm really excited
about this party.

Oh, yes. There's nothing like
the stink of a good fondue.

But I don't see what the whole
hullabaloo is about new year's.

What do you mean?

Well, it's so arbitrary.

The earth makes one
orbit around the sun

Right back to this random point.

I mean, the man who
came up with this calendar

Thought the earth was flat.

Do you really want
to be on his team?

You know, a year goes by,

You think what do I
have to show for it,

But, sure, I made dean, I'm
making a lot more money,

I have tremendous power
over all of my friends...

Oh, yeah, I had a great year.

Oh, you guys having a
new year's bash here?

That's right, little buddy.

Need any help that night?

What, you don't have
plans for new year's?

Oh, yeah!

No.

Oh, hey, we need a
party coordinator.

Can you count
down from one to 10?

You mean 10 to one?

Wow! You're going to be good.

Oh, my god!

Larry!

Mrs. Deguzman!

I haven't seen you guys since
we graduated from night school!

Look at you, man. You made it.

I bet if we ever
have a class reunion,

You'll be psyched.

Yeah, mr. Big sh*t bartender.

You two having a
hard time finding work?

Oh, there are jobs out there,

But you either need experience
or a college education

Or an explanation for where
you've been for the last 7 years.

Wait a second. I got an idea.

Say, doug!

You know how you've
been talking about

Hiring on an extra
couple of people?

No.

Well, your search is over!

I found you the people.

Can you vouch for them?

Well, I'm not the best
judge of character,

But yes, yes, I can.

Both: ♪ fah who fore-aze ♪

♪ Da who dor-aze ♪

♪ Welcome, christmas ♪

♪ Come this way ♪

Oh, come on!

How can they let the
grinch carve the roast beast

After what he did?

I think they feel bad for him
because of his enlarged heart.

Totally unrealistic.

Hey, you guys! You guys,
look what don got me!

Wow! Wow!

You're such a sweetie!

This is the best
christmas day ever!

I know what the ladies like.

I thought you were going
to get her the earrings.

Earrings?

Tommy: whoops.

There were earrings?

Well, they match the necklace,

But I thought maybe next year.

Wow. Necklace and earrings...

That's all you need.

All you need.

Maybe the store's open.

They guy's jewish!

So, d*ck, you want me
to reserve you a table

For the new year's bash?

Uh, no. Mary's having
a fondue party.

What's the big whoop
about new year's anyway?

I don't know.

Mary says it's a good way to
mark her year's accomplishments.

Ah. Well, I had a
pretty great year.

I lost my virginity

And I completely mastered
the art of manipulating don.

Oh, and I got some
great sweaters.

Nice going. I graduated
from night school.

I rescued harry
from that freak show.

I still haven't
thanked you for that.

And i, uh...

Well, there's so
many. Where do I begin?

There's, uh...

What?

Well, for one thing,

I saved that child from drowning
in her above-ground swimming pool.

You didn't save any kid.

We saw that on the news.

Oh. Then I guess I didn't pitch
that no-hitter in cleveland.

No, sir. Not that I recall.

Well, fine.

I can't be concerned
with trivialities.

My achievements are grander,

And if, as such, they
are harder to define,

Then they are all that
much grander for it!

There. Now this says fun!

Yep. Says so right there.

I mean, the whole vibe
of the sign says fun.

Yeah, right there.

Oh, no.

Larry! Deguzman!

Could you guys come
over here for a second?

You guys, why are these
drinks just sitting here?

I thought those were
for mrs. Deguzman's table.

No way!

I'm the hostess!

I'm warning you, man.

She's a bitch on wheels.

Just, uh, deliver
the drinks, ok?

♪ Da dee dah duh ♪

Sally!

Merry christmas, part 2.

For me?

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Oh, my god! They're perfect!

They'll look so great at the
starlight room on new year's eve.

The starlight room.

Ha ha ha ha!

The starlight room?

Sally, that party is for
rutherford's movers and shakers.

Do you know how impossible
those tickets are to get?

All I know

Is how powerful my boyfriend

Don orville is.

That may be, but it's
such short notice.

I'm sure you could pull
a little stringy-wingy.

I'll do my best.

I'm going to go put these on.

She plays me like
a big, dumb cello.

What are you looking at?

All right, so I'm working here.

So quit riding me!

Let's not insult
the customers, ok?

I probably should've
told you, man.

I've got problems with rage.

Wow! This man just
gave $1 billion to the u.n.!

Can you believe that?

In february, I took the
whole family to sizzler.

And for no big
reason, just to do it.

Can you imagine
spending 8 months

Building an orphanage in bosnia?

Big deal.

w*r-torn countries are just full
of opportunities for show-offs.

We better be off.

It's time for the
cider festival.

Oh, no. You go without me.

I've got some important
things to achieve.

But we were going to go.

I'm sorry, mary,

But do bring me back some cider,

And don't let it get cold,
'cause then it's just juice.

You pay!

You pay now!

I will not!

Oh, I'm sorry. Is there
a problem here, chet?

Hey, friend, you
trying to stiff the lady?

That ain't right.

I'm not stiffing her.

I waited for over
a half an hour.

She never brought
me my hot wings.

But I put them right over
there on the bar for you!

Oh, those?

I ate those.

Very greasy.

I did you a favor.

Employee meeting,
employee meeting.

Guys, come on. I went
out on a limb for you.

Don't make me look bad.

Oh, man. The lecture begins.

Tommy: ok, all right,
so what I'm thinking is

We clear out these tables here,

And we have room
for a conga line!

Oh, my god!

Could I be the person
that yells out conga?

You know, to get stuff going?

Yeah, ok.

Sally?

Nothing up my sleeve.

Presto!

2 Tickets to the starlight room!

Oh, don, that's so cool!

Let's scalp 'em!

What?

Well, I just don't
want to go anymore.

Tommy's planning a really fun

New year's eve
party here. See? "Fun."

Sally, do you know how hard
it was to get those tickets?

Let's just say I wasn't
shy with the nightstick.

Don, listen, it doesn't
matter where we are

As long as it's
where I want to be.

Right, poopkin?

No.

Oh, you big, silly man.

No.

It's not going
to work this time,

Poopkin.

Hey, I'm crying here!

That has never not worked.

It's not too late.

I may have squandered 362
days, but the year is not lost!

I can make a difference!

You, I beg you.

Step forward.

And you, sir. Please, do
not be afraid. Come forward!

Let all men, white and
black, black and white,

Put aside their differences

And join hands and walk together
down the streets of rutherford!

Let there be peace and
harmony in the valley.

For i, d*ck solomon,
have made a difference!

d*ck? What?

Jake and henry are
bowling partners.

They're, like, best friends.

Fine.

If they're not willing

To serve as examples
for our children,

Then let it be on
their heads. I tried.

I am such a loser.

Vincent, welcome!

I didn't know whether
you had a chance

To stop by the cider festival.

I did.

Well, you can never
have too much cider.

d*ck, what's wrong?

I thought you were going
to help me cube the havarti.

I guess you can file that

With all the other broken dreams

And unfulfilled plans of 1998.

What are you talking about?

This year has been a disaster.

I've accomplished nothing.
Mary, do you hear me? Nothing!

That's a shame.

Why don't you talk
football with strudwick?

Judith!

Just back from the ciderfest.

We've got plenty
of cider, everyone.

Drink up!

Vincent, have you ever
really thought about

Where your time goes?

I can't say that I
have, d*ck, but...

Well, I have.

The last year, I've
spent 4 months sleeping,

2 1/2 Weeks sitting in traffic,

2 Days flossing, 34 hours
watching the discovery channel.

While I have seen every type of
animal eat every other type of animal,

It hardly makes
for a stellar 1998.

I have to go stand
over there now.

Nina.

Uh, what are you
doing here, sally?

Oh, nothing.

Just wondering if you, uh,
you know, wanted to hang out.

It's new year's eve.

Aren't you going out with don?

No. I'm mad at him.

Why?

Because I was crying.

What? Oh, my god.

Yeah. I was only doing it to
get what I wanted from him.

Uh, sally, do you always
cry to get what you want?

No.

Usually all I do, you know,
is push my boobs out at him.

Or sometimes I go like this.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I only go to
the crying place

If I'm really backed
into a corner.

And you don't understand
why he's mad about that?

No. You think he's crazy?

What's his problem?

It sounds like you're
just pushing his buttons.

Right. That's exactly
what I'm doing.

But you shouldn't be.

Why?

Why? Because if
you just keep crying

And pouting to get your own way,

He's going to take a walk.

Oh, my god!

I don't want don to take a walk.

Thanks, nina.

You sure know a lot for a
woman who never has a boyfriend.

I have a boyfriend.

Then why are you sitting
home alone on new year's eve?

I'm not. I'm going to a party.

Sure, you are, nina.

d*ck, stop throwing
bread in the pot.

You're wasting it.

Like bread in the fondue pot,

So are the days of our lives.

It's new year's eve.
You're bringing us down.

d*ck, cheer up or you'll be
whistling through your cheek.

But, mary...

No "but, marys." This
is a party, not a wake,

So act like it.

Oh, all right.

Everybody,

A toast!

A toast!

As the old year
draws to a close,

One can't help but reflect
on what hasn't been done

And what can never be reclaimed.

Say what you will
about this year,

It is lost, it is gone,

And as I look around me,

I can honestly say

That there is no group
that I would rather be with

To face the grim
specter of death

Racing at blinding speed
so inexorably towards us.

Aw, jeez!

Who wants to go bar-hopping?

Great idea!

Let's go.

d*ck. Yes?

Lock up when you leave.

Got any 2s?

Damn.

What's going on in here?

It's out of control out there.

Everybody expects you to
wait on them hand and foot.

You got any 7s?

Oh, I see.

Well, there's a good
reason for that.

It's really very simple.

It's your freakin' job!

20 Minutes to go between
now and zero hour.

Nobody goes dry, you understand?

Is that champagne? I
can't be around the stuff.

It takes me to a bad place.

Aah!

Now, you listen to me.

You and you

Are going to do exactly
what that man tells you to do.

Go!

Go!

Move! Move!

Sally.

Don. I was afraid I wouldn't
see you here tonight!

I was afraid I wouldn't
see you, either!

Don, I have been such a jerk!

No, sally, look,

I'm sorry I had to
read you the riot act,

But you crossed over the line.

No, I know! I know!

Say no more.

Listen, don, I have realized
that I am really, really hot.

What?

I am really, really hot!

And that gives me the power
to render men defenseless,

But with that power comes
a certain responsibility,

And I know that now.

That's good, sally, because a
man's got to have his dignity.

Of course he does!

Well, then we agree to agree.

Wait, wait, wait.

So what should I do the next
time I want you to do something

You don't want to do?

How about we don't do it?

Interesting.

Whoo hoo! Ring in the new!

Happy new year!

Oh. Oh. Oh.

d*ck, you just going to
sit out here in the cold?

Yes.

Good. We'll be inside.

Just what do you hope to
accomplish sitting out here?

I'm hoping that
I'll freeze solid

And become a monument

To all those who live
lives of quiet desperation.

The tomb of the unknown loser.

What do you want me to do,

Give up my new year's and sit here
and tell you how special you are?

All right. It's 11:58.
Everything's set.

This is going to be great!

Larry, we're at
t-minus 2 minutes.

Ok? All right!

♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind... ♪

No! Stop singing! It's not time!

Sounds nice.

It sure does.

Judith is a little flat.

Yeah.

Well, that's it.

It's new year's.

It is?

It's 1999.

It's... It's literally
a new year.

That's where the name came from.

Mary, this is wonderful!

I feel like a vast
weight has been lifted.

I see this endless horizon
rich with possibility!

I see 15 gallons
of spoiled cider

And a pot of congealed fondue.

Oh, god, mary. I'm so sorry.

I've ruined your
party, your night.

I've ruined everything.

Can you ever forgive me?

I've got a lot of burnt cheese
to scrape when I get home.

I'll scrape your cheese, mary.

I'll do anything.

Please?

As of midnight, I
became a new man.

Can't we just shut the door
on last year and look ahead?

I thought you said

New year's was just a random
spot in the earth's orbit.

That was last year's
d*ck. He is so over.

Please?

Yes!

Stop it! Stop celebrating!

It's not time!

Happy new year, harry!

Happy new year!

Happy new year!

You're fired!

Ohh, this is fantastic.

Just me and the woman I love

Dancing alone in
the cold, still air

Of a crystalline winter's night.

I've been a fool, and
you've forgiven me.

It's a perfect new year.

What's that?

It's the bells at
the old church.

Oh, my god, d*ck
it's new year's now!

So the whole time we've been
out here together celebrating...

It was 1998.

So I've salvaged 1998!

Mary, that means...

Oh, d*ck, shh!

This is a beautiful moment.

Don't spoil it.

But it's such...

Shh!

I'm ready to...

Shh!

Happy new year, mary.

Happy new year, d*ck.

I've ruined the whole
point of the party.

Aww.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey! In 15 seconds

It's new year's in utah!

You get another chance!

Yeah!

Come on, tommy!

All right!

Countdown 99 is
on the launchpad!

10!

All: 9...

8...

I just get so excited.