04x10 - Two-Faced d*ck

[bunniefuu]

Bye, d*ck! I'll see
you at the office.

Mary, don't leave. I was
bringing you breakfast in bed.

That's very sweet, but
I think I'll just grab

some coffee and a muffin.

Oh, that's ok.
Believe it or not,

I just threw all this together.

I never would've guessed.

Hey, d*ck.

Oh, you two are up
bright and early.

We just got back.

Don took me on an
all-night stakeout.

You must be exhausted.

No. We fell asleep around 11:00.

Yeah.

I'm reasonably sure nothing
went down, though.

I'm a pretty light sleeper.

I just love spending the
night in your arms.

Oh, me, too.

Hey, I gotta go hit the can.

Tommy, am I a Virgo
or a capricorn?

I don't know. What's
your birthday?

Does it matter?

Because this horoscope
right heeerrrre...

Incoming message from
the big giant head!

Hey, d*ck, get in here!

To ensure better
customer service,

this transmission
may be monitored.

What is it? The big giant head

has received your lieutenant's
request for gender reassignment.

Sally sent what? That thing
off, like, 3 years ago.

The big giant head hereby
approves your request.

For your convenience,
your lieutenant's body

will be switched with that
of your high commander.

Lieutenant, you get in here!

Prepare to exchange
forms in 3, 2, 1...

Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!

Oh, no...

Where are my boobs?

I've got them!

You're me! You're me!

d*ck? What?

Aah! Oh, great. What happened?

The big giant head just
switched their bodies.

Wow.

Oh, my God!

I'm gorgeous!

your request to return to
your original earth bodies

will be answered in the order
in which it was received.

Transmission ending
in 3, 2, 1...

Achoo!

What's the word?

He put us on the waiting list.

Damn!

Man, it took him 3 years
to answer the first one.

This is horrible, just horrible!

Why, in heaven's name,

would you put in a request
to switch bodies?

Lieutenant, what
were you thinking?

When we first got here, I
didn't want to be the woman,

but that was a long time ago

before I realized how
much I like men.

Well, I cannot be stuck
in a woman's body.

Dammit! I'm the high commander!

What are we gonna do, d*ck?

Pull yourself together, man!

I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.

We're gonna live
each other's lives

as normally as possible

until the big giant
head gets back to us.

Oh, great!

Ohh!

What am I supposed
to do with your...

You know, goods?

Just pick a side and commit.

Yup. Till you learn
the ins and outs,

you might wanna
consider wearing a cup.

This is so weird.

Oh, stop complaining.

Look at these willowy limbs.

I don't know what
to do with them.

My center of gravity's so low,

and would you look
at these breasts!

Hey, d*ck, can we touch 'em?

Be my guest. They're not mine.

Hey!

So help me God, if you
touch those, you will die.

All right, settle
down, settle down.

All right, everybody shut up

before I throw you out
the freakin' window!

So, what are we doing here?

Surface tension and liquidity.

I have a question for you...

Where'd you get those shoes?

Uh... Pic-and-pay.

Oh, I love that place.
It's so cool!

Has anybody else here been to pic-and-pay?
It's so awesome.

Yeah. I got some wool
pants there, half off.

You did? Yeah, but
they weren't my size,

and they didn't have a lining,
and I'm wearing them right now.

See what I mean?

Ok... So, uh... We got, uh...

Value... And... Selection.

This is what we're
looking for here.

Well, I'm off to cabo San Lucas.

You have fun, Doug,

and don't you worry
about nothin'

but the seńoritas and
the margaritas, ok?

Because Harry's holding
down the fort.

What the hell.

You're in charge of the bar.
Yup.

You got a lot of responsibility.
That's right.

Doug's not too bright, is he?
Not particularly, no.

Man, those guys
look like badasses.

You think?

Yeah. Look at 'em, man.

They are clearly bad asses.

Well, just one way to find out.

Excuse me, are you and your
friends here badasses?

Heh heh heh... We'll
have 3 beers.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, man, they're badasses.

Oh, yes, the honking
drives me mad with desire!

Ah, you've noticed I have breasts.
Good for you.

Don left this in our bathroom.

Hey, Sally, you look nice.

Why, thank you. You've
got me all hot now.

I'd jump right
into bed with you,

but you'll have to get in line
behind 2 construction workers,

a mailman, and a
12-year-old boy.

Sorry.

Sally, he was just paying
you an innocent compliment.

I'm quite aware of how
sexually attractive I am.

I get it. Now let's move on.

Sally, please, calm down.

What is that, some sort
of menstruation cr*ck?

Well, I've got a news flash
for you, don Orville,

and for all the men
of rutherford.

Beneath this pretty
package is a mind!

Do you hear me? A mind!

Oh, hey, Nina.

You went to pic-and-pay?

Yeah.

I couldn't find anything
except these stupid wingtips.

They're not even patent leather.

Men's shoes suck!

Well, that's too bad.

My feet are huge.
I'm disgusting.

Ok.

There you are. Where were you?

Oh, hey, albright.

You were supposed to
meet me for lunch!

I'm having a bad day.
You wanna lay off?!

I was waiting at the
baguette for over an hour.

Yeah? Well, I was teaching
that horrible class,

and I couldn't take it, so
I went to get some shoes,

and I couldn't find
anything I liked,

And then I came back here, and
you started yelling at me!

I'm sorry, d*ck, but I
was waiting an hour.

I can't breathe.

Are you ok?

You don't understand
what I'm going through.

I mean, just look at these!

I'm here to help.

You can't help. Nobody can help.

I feel so trapped.

Whoo, Sally... Lookin' hot, man!

Yeah! Walk that around!

Lay off, buttheads! I'm
having a crappy day.

I can take the ugly shoes,
I can take the stupid job,

but I'll be damned if I'm gonna
walk around with love handles!

Are you wearing lip gloss?

It's not a gloss.
It's a shiny balm.

d*ck is really
neglecting his lips.

Hey! What are you doing
to my body, you moron?

You're gonna get it fat
and stretched out!

Lieutenant, I always
eat this way.

Well, you can't anymore.

You'll never keep a boyfriend.

Aha! Speaking of boyfriends...

I've decided that don
is no gentleman.

I think it's time you moved on.

You better not mess up

my relationship with don.

Oh, please.

Oh, you are such a bonehead!

After I tried so hard not to
blow things with albright.

"Tried"? What does that mean?
What happened?

Nothing.

Tell me, dammit!

Well, I got bummed out

when I couldn't find nice
shoes for your big, fat feet!

And I may have gotten a little...
Weepy.

Thank you so much.

Now she thinks I'm some
hysterical, shoe-loving wussy!

You're worried about getting fat?
Just watch this.

Give me that sandwich,
you horrible man!

Hey, hey, hey! Let's chill!

How can I chill?

He's screwing up
everything with don!

She's screwing up my
relationship with Mary!

Oh, people, people, people!

Look... You guys have
got to get over this!

When we landed on earth,

we had no attachment to these
bodies, but we adapted.

We figured out how
to work with them.

You don't understand, Tommy.

I like being the woman.

Who cares if you only earn
60 cents on the dollar

if you can have skin like that?

Mary doesn't like your skin.

She likes my skin!

Now you listen to me, d*ck...

I'm Sally!

I don't give a damn who you are!

If you don't start
working together,

you're gonna lose don and Mary.

You're right.

Truce.

All right, truce.

That's better.

Not with that
sandwich, you don't!

Where are they?

Right there. Go cuff 'em, don.

Uh... What for?

That guy over there, he
keeps ordering drinks.

And talking.

And that other guy keeps
laughing at something.

Drinking, talking,
laughing in a bar.

No law against that.

Hey, we pay taxes. How
long is this gonna go on

before the police do something?

This is typical.

Why don't you just go eat
another doughnut, don!

I'd like to help you
out, guys, but...

Sally.

Don.

d*ck!

I'm glad you're here, don.

I had to talk to you.

It's about Sally.

That's fine, d*ck,

but could you back
up about 4 inches?

Oh, yeah, sorry. You
wanna sit down?

Yeah, sure.

I'd like to apologize for
Sally the other day.

She just feels terrible
about the way she acted.

Yeah, it was strange.

Sally really wants to
make it up to you, don.

That's why I'd like to
invite you and Sally

out to dinner with me and
my girlfriend albright.

Would you come, don?

Would you?

Sure.

Oh, good. I was worried
you were upset with me.

Hey, you wanna watch it?!
Excuse me.

Yeah, you better
excuse you, bozo!

My boyfriend here's a cop.

d*ck!

I said, my sister's boyfriend.

I think everybody heard that.

Sally, I thought I heard you.

Mary, you look pretty today.

Oh, thanks. So do you.

Very pretty. Thanks.

Look, I tried to call d*ck.
Is he all right?

That's what I came here to
talk to you about, Mary.

Uh, please, sit down.

d*ck is fine. I knew you thought

he was having a
breakdown, but he wasn't.

He just seemed so fragile.

You know what I mean?

He's letting you in, Mary.

That's his way.

Or perhaps it was
performance art.

That's another perfectly
reasonable explanation.

Yeah. Uh, just...

Just tell him that
he can talk to me.

No matter what is bothering
him, he can talk to me

because... I love him.

Oh!

Oh, Mary!

Say it again.

No.

Harry, you been shaking that
thing for over an hour.

Have I?

Why don't you just
pour it already?

'Cause if I pour it,
I gots to serve it.

What are you so worried about?

Those guys? Don't look at 'em!

You can't judge people
by the way they look.

Those guys are just a
bunch of pussycats.

Watch me, boys.

Don't go over there.

Hi, boys. Is this seat taken?

It is now.

Oh... Now, which one of you big
fellas is gonna buy me a beer?

I will. How about a beer
for the pretty lady?

Oh, you're what I like to call...
Burly.

Look at her. She survived.

Those guys are nice
guys after all.

Man, we're idiots.

Oh, I feel terrible. Come on.

Guys, I think we owe
you an apology.

For what?

Well, all this time,

we thought you were
up to no good.

Criminal types.

Looking for trouble.
Casing the joint...

But now we see how
wrong we were,

so how can we make
this up to you?

We need some more pretzels. Ok.

And while you're at it,

why don't you empty out
the cash register?

Now.

Yeah! Yeah!

Did I not tell you?

You didn't need to tell me, man.
I knew!

Wait, wait, wait. Just a second.

We saw this coming.

Miles away, brother!

The cash register.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, albright...

Mary... What're you gonna order?

Well, the steak
tartare looks good.

Think I'll order it well done.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, that's funny. You're funny.

That's really desirable in a woman.
Congratulations.

Well, pardon me. I'll be
in the little boys' room.

Oh, I'll go with you!
This'll be fun!

Are you sure your
brother's all right?

All right? Oh, Mary, he's great.

And so good-looking,
don't you think?

Well, he does seem to
be in better spirits,

but he still seems so distant.

He doesn't look at me
the way he used... To.

And how did he used
to look at you, Mary?

Kinda like you're
looking at me now.

Time to put out the fire.

Keep your eye on the road, d*ck.

So what's bothering Sally?

Is she still in a mood?

She looks pretty hot to me.

She always looks hot,

but you said she was interested
in seeing me tonight.

She seems to be paying
more attention to Mary.

But you still love her...
Right, don?

Of course I do. I'm
crazy about her.

Ah...

Oh, goody.

Sally, we're in trouble.
You've got to kiss Mary.

She knows what? Something's wrong.
You've got to kiss her.

Not gonna happen, d*ck.

Put me down for a hug and
a handshake, that's it.

Hey, we're in this together.

Now, I want your
lips on her lips,

and that's an order, lieutenant!

Have you ever thought that d*ck
might be a little... Confused?

Let's talk about
Sally for a minute.

She is stalking me.

So, how's everybody doing?

Great. Uh, now...

You know, Mary, d*ck
was just saying

how difficult it is for
him to sit next to you

without showering
you with kisses.

No, I wasn't.

Yes, you were. You were
saying how unbearable

it is to sit next to her without
kissing her this very moment.

Really? You said that?

Well, yes, after she told me

that it's taking
all her strength

to keep her lips... Off don.

All right... I
guess that's fair.

That's more tongue
than I'm used to.

Well, d*ck, we pulled it off.

To a job well done, lieutenant.

Ahh. So, how'd you get out
of going home with don?

I told him I had a headache.

Oh, that is so cool.

I told albright I had psoriasis.

If we are doomed to stay in
these bodies for a while,

I suppose it could be worse.

Don is kind of cuddly.

Mm. And Mary's mutual funds

have outperformed the s&p
for the last 4 quarters.

Well, let's have a
toast, shall we?

To newwwwww... incoming message
from the big giant head.

Your request has been approved.

Your lieutenant and high
commander will be restored

to their previous earth
bodies immediately,

and a small fee will appear
on your next statement.

Transmission ending
in 3, 2, 1...

Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!

d*ck?

Sally?

We're back! We're back!

Isn't that great, Tommy?

Oh, isn't that cool, Tommy?

Tommy? I'm not Tommy.

Oh, my God!

Ah, I'm just screwin' with you.

I learned one thing from
those tough guys at the bar.

You know how they say you can't
judge a book by its cover?

It's a big lie.

Mm, true. That's what
the cover's for...

Tells you exactly
what's in the book.

Yeah. From now on,
I look at people,

make snap judgments,
and stick with 'em.

But it's not true.

I just spent 2 days
in Sally's body,

and people made all
sorts of assumptions

based on how I looked.

And it was still me inside.

Yeah. Well, this body took
some getting used to at first,

but now it feels like home.

Well, I'm glad to
be back in my body.

And you know, Sally,
I was mad at first,

but now I really don't
mind the shaved legs.

You know, I did your butt, too.

Oh, don't think I didn't notice.

Captioning made possible
by carsey-Werner

productions and the national
broadcasting company

oh, d*ck, have you
seen my sweater?

Ah, no.

You know, it's the pink one
with the little white bow.

It doesn't ring a bell.

Wait a minute.

Open your coat.

Sally, I don't have
time for this nonsense

I got to get to work.

Ah-ha!

It feels so soft against my skin

and they don't make
angora for men.

And besides I look so much
cuter in it than you do.

Take it off.

I'll give you ten bucks for it.

Twenty.

Deal.