04x21 - d*ck v. Strudwick

Episode transcripts for the TV show "3rd Rock From the Sun". Aired: January 9, 1996 – May 22, 2001.*
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Four extraterrestrials who are on an expedition to Earth, the third planet from the Sun, which they consider to be a very insignificant planet.
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04x21 - d*ck v. Strudwick

Post by bunniefuu »

Dr. Solomon, Have You Bought
Strudwick's New Book Yet?

I Was Gonna Order
It Off The Internet

Until I Realized There's No
Such Thing As Amazon.Crap.

Look At Him, Standing Up There
Like All Of This Was For Him.

All This Is For Him.

Fine. But He Doesn't
Have To Bask.

Look At Him
Basking. That Basker!

You're Just Jealous Because He
Got A Book Published And You Didn't.

Jealous? Ha Ha! Of
His Little Comic Book?

That's A Hoot And A Half.

Well, Those 4 Nobel Laureates
Over There Kissing His Butt

Seem To Disagree.

So, Where Are The Nobel Guys?

Oh, They're Over
There With Strudwick.

But They're Not So Great.

One Of Them Had To Share
His Prize With A Swede.

Why Don't You Go Talk To Them?

Oh, Gosh, I'm So Nervous. Do I
Have Any Broccoli In My Teeth?

Not A Lot. Come On. Ok.

Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Hey, d*ck.

Quite An Impressive Turnout
For Me, Wouldn't You Say?

Not Bad. It's No
Gay Pride Parade.

Right. So, What'd
You Think Of The Book?

As Bathroom Fare? A Triumph.

Well, I'm Going To Go
Get My Picture Taken

For The National Journal
Of Physics. Don't Be In It.

Oh, I Won't.

I've Got To Get In That Picture!

Hey! Are You Whittling?

Actually, I Found This
Piece Of Wood Outside,

And I Figured I'd Make
Us All Some Twig Men.

Well, How Nice Of You!

Just Had A Lot Of Extra Energy

Since Don And I Called It
Off. Can't Understand Why.

So, Call Me Later?

Ok.

Ok. Bye.

Well... Pretty Good
Afternoon For Me.

A Little, Uh... A Little
Homework, A Little Music.

A Little Makin' Out. Oh,
Wait! Did I Say "A Little"?

I Meant A Lot! Tommy!

Aaah! Ow!

It Was Incredible, Man.
We Were Just Sitting There

Next To Each Other,
And All Of A Sudden,

We Looked At Each Other,
And Somethin' Came Over Us.

And Then You Kissed
Her... Didn't You?

No, No, No. Not Yet, Right?

We... We, Uh, We Inched Closer
And Closer Together. Right?

And... And... And My Lips
Were There, And... Ohh!

Her Lips Were
There... That Sounds...

Real Nice, Tommy.

And Then You Kissed
Her, Didn't You?

Well, No. Then I Blacked Out.

But When I Woke Up,
Man, We Were Kissin'!

And We Just Kissed And Kissed...

Aah!

Sorry.

I Think I Need A New Twig!

Hello. Yes. This Is
Vincent Strudwick.

You Just Published My Book
Physics For A New Millennium.

I Want All Copies Recalled.

Why? Well, Besides The Fact
That I Plagiarized The Whole Thing

From Renowned
Genius d*ck Solomon,

I Also Feel That
The Jacket Photo

Fails To Highlight My Pouty,
Feminine Mouth. Get On It!

Of Course This Is The Real
Strudwick! Hello? Hello?

What's This?

It's Strudwick's New Book.

Oh, I Thought I
Smelled A Stink In Here.

Well, Get Used To The Stink.

It's The New Textbook
You'll Be Teaching From.

What?!

They Say It's Brilliant!
Who Says That?!

Everyone.

Well, Call Up "Everyone"
And Tell Them To Go To Hell.

I'll Get Right On That.

Look At This. I Could Write
A Better Book Overnight.

You Think You're The Smartest
Man On The Planet, Don't You?

For The Thousandth Time, Yes!

Nina, Cancel My Classes.
I've Got Some Writing To Do.

Get Out Of My Way!

And That Was Dr. Solomon.

And This Is My Office.

Oh, Gentlemen, It Has
Been A Tremendous Honor

To Be Able To Give You The Tour.

Thank You For Coming.

Oh! You Know What?

You Haven't Seen Our Cafeteria!

I'd Love To Join You,
But I Have A Class.

Do They Have Soup?

Yes, I Believe They Have Soup.

Is It A Cream Soup?

Uh, That I Don't Know.

I Hope They Have Waffles.

Oh, But Not The Round Ones.

Certainly Not. No, No.
Not The Round Ones, No.

So, Go. Go.

It's Ok. It's Ok.

Go.

Have Soup.

Tommy, My Man! Lookin' Good!

Yeah. I'm Gonna Go Meet
Alissa's Parents Tonight.

I'm A Little Nervous.

You Know What I Find, Tommy?

Parents... Love The Greeks.

So What You Want To
Do Is Come Off As Greek.

But Not Too Greek, See,
'Cause That's Just Creepy.

I Suggest Medium Greek.

That's Money.

I'm Just Gonna Be Myself.

Ah.

Bold Choice.

Relative Intensities
Comparison...

Spectrum Gravitational Field,

Deviation Of The
Relative Infinity

Of The Construct...

Hey, d*ck! The Movie
Starts In 20 Minutes.

Don, I... I Can't Come.
I'm In The Middle

Of Writing A Groundbreaking Book

That'll Bring The Physics
World To Its Knees.

Oh. What's It Called?

Payback's A Bitch, Strudwick.

But, d*ck, I... I Already Got
The Tickets, Like You Told Me.

Here. Listen To This, Don. "To
Construct The Analog Curvature,

"Deplace A Vector X A
Second Time To The First P.

"The Coinciding Volume Of
The Light Complex Is The Same

Whether Measured In
Terms Of The Variable K Or L."

What Do You Think?

Watch Out, Steven King.

Oh, He Better.

Hey, Don. How's It Goin'?

Oh, Not Good. Your Brother
Just Stuck Me With A Movie Ticket.

Oh, Yeah? What Movie You Seein'?

I Don't Remember The
Name Of It, But It's The One

Where Jackie Chan Kills
2 Guys With A Baguette.

I Hear That One's
Awesome! Yeah. Ha Ha.

I Would Ask You, You Know,
But Since We Broke Up...

Oh. Of Course. Sure.

But I... I Do Have, You
Know, An Extra Ticket.

Maybe We Could Go As, Uh...

Friends.

Ok. Yeah.

Friends. Hey, I'll Even
Buy The Ticket Off Ya.

No, Don't Worry About That,

Unless You Happen
To Have 6.50 Handy.

Oh... I Only Got A 20 On Me.

I Got Change.

[Giggles]

Where You Goin'?

I Have To Put A Fork At
The Other End Of The Table.

I'll Miss You.

Shut Up.

Woman: Hi. Go In And
Check On The Kids.

Ok. There's My Parents.

Don't Be Nervous.
They're Gonna Love You.

Ok. [Clears Throat]

Dad, This Is Tommy.

This Is My Father.

Hello, Tommy. Nice To Meet You.

Yeah. Nice To Meet You, Too.

You Know, Uh...

You're Nothing At
All Like I Pictured.

Hi.

I'm Alissa's Mom.

Now I Get It.

Man! You Wrote A Whole Book?

Only The Most Brilliant
Book On Physics Ever Written.

The Formulas In There

Are 400 Years Ahead Of This Planet's
Most Advanced Modern Thinking.

Whoa, d*ck! You're
Gonna Be Famous!

Why, Yes, I Am,
Thank You Very Much.

Cold Fusion, Perpetual Motion?

Humans Are Gonna Be
Blown Away By All That.

This'll Wipe The Smugliness Off
Strudwick's Furry, Ratlike Little Face.

Every Expert In The
Country's Gonna Be Dyin'

To Know How You
Figured All This Out.

You Think? Oh, And The Fame!

I Can't Wait To See Barbara
Walters Make You Cry.

Barbara Walters?

Yep. Grillin' You
About Your Childhood

On National Television.

But I... I Never
Had A Childhood.

Oh, You Don't Have To Tell Me.

A Boy Grows Up Awful Fast
On The Mean Streets Of, Uh...

Where Are You From Again?

Outer Space!

What Was I Thinking?!

If I Publish All The
Secrets Of The Universe,

We Might Just As Well
Walk Into The Pentagon

And Yell Out, "We're Aliens!"

Oh, Yeah. That Would
Be Quite A Predicament.

You Idiot!

Well... [Sighs]

This Is My Place.

Wow. Smells, Um...

Rustic.

Thanks. You Know,
This Was Really Great.

Isn't It Cool That We Can
Just Go To A Movie As Friends?

It Is Cool. It's Great.

Really Great.

So, You Want A Cup
Of Coffee Or Anything?

Nah. I Should Probably Go.

Ok.

That Was A
Wonderful Meal, Dotty.

Yeah, Delicious.

Well, I'm Glad You Liked It.

Here, Mom, Let Me
Give You A Hand.

[Clears Throat]

So, Uh...

I Really Like Alissa A Lot.

She's A Lovely Girl. Yeah.

You And Me, We're
Lucky Guys, Huh?

We Got Ourselves A
Couple Of Hotties, Huh?

Excuse Me?

Listen, Man. Ahem.
Between You And Me,

Has Alissa Mentioned
Anything About My Kissing?

What?

The Thing Is, We're Makin' Out,

Like, A Lot. Right?

But She's A Little More
Experienced Than I Am,

Which Is Why Any Feedback She
Gave You'd Be Really Appreciated.

I... I Think Maybe We
Should Change The Subject.

Oh, Ok.

So. What Does Your Father Do?

Uh, He's A Professor.
At Pendelton.

Um, d*ck Solomon?

Oh...

Oh, Boy.

That Was Somethin', Huh?

I Wasn't Expectin' That!

Oh, Me, Neither.

Well, I Guess We
Had One Left In Us.

That Was A Big Mistake.

Oh, Big. Oh, Big.

[Chuckling]

Well, Uh... I, Uh...

I'd Better Be Goin'.

Ok!

I'll See You Around.

You Know What? We'll Do
Somethin', Right? Oh, That'd Be Nice.

God, I Want You. Take Me!

108 For 210...

108 For 211...

109 For 212...

Dr. Solomon,
Channel 58 Just Called

And Asked If You
Would Like To Appear

On Some Show Called Men & Ideas?

Men & Ideas?! Yes, Indeed, I Do!

Mary, Look At This. What?

I Guess The Word Is
Finally Getting Out.

I'm Gonna Be A
Guest On Men & Ideas.

Actually, You're
Just A Panelist. What?

The Show's All About Strudwick.

No!

Ohhh...

[Sobbing]

You're Taking It Better Than I
Thought You Would. [Honking]

I'll Be Right There!

[Chuckles]

It's The Laureates.

I'm Taking Them To
Banana Republic.

Bernard Has Never Worn Jeans.

But, Mary...

[Honk Honk]

Oh. I'm Coming!

Jeez!

d*ck! What's Going
On?! What Do You Mean?

What Is Your Son Doing With My
Daughter? What Are You Talking About?

Well, Apparently, They've
Been Dating For 3 Months.

That's Impossible. Tommy's Been Dating
Some Girl Named Alissa For 3 Months.

Alissa Strudwick,
You Idiot! My Daughter!

What?! That Hot Little Blond
Number's Your Daughter?!

How Dare You Describe
Her In That Way?!

No Strudwick Is
Gonna Date My Son!

Your Son Is An Ill-Mannered,
Obnoxious Boor!

You Take That Back! All Right.

He's Rude! He's Smug!

He Kissed My Daughter
Right In Front Of Me!

Wait A Minute. Vincent. What?

This Is Really
Bothering You, Isn't It?

Damn Right It Is.

I Suggest That You Teach
Your Son Some Manners.

What's So Damn Funny?
Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, No. No, No!

On, No! No, No!

What Is It, d*ck? It's Nothing.

I Can't Talk About It.

Oh, No!

What?!

It's Nothing You'd
Be Interested In.

It's Just About The
Two Of You, That's All.

It's About Us? What Is It?

It's About What Your
Father Said About You.

But, Please, Don't Ask. I
Promised Him I Wouldn't Say.

What?! What?!

All Right, Here
It Is. Now, Listen.

Your Father Thinks The
Two Of You Should Break Up.

What? Why?

Something About
Him Not Trusting You,

You Being Too Immature,

You Following In The Footsteps

Of That Aunt Of Yours
That Everybody Hates.

Aunt Ellie?

Mmm.

Everybody Loves Aunt Ellie.

Oh, Well... There Must Be
Somebody In Your Family

That Everybody
Hates. Cousin Jeff?

That's The One. Cousin Jeff.

I'm Nothing Like Cousin
Jeff. His Words, Not Mine.

Why Would He Say That?

My Dad Can Be Such
A Jerk Sometimes.

Oh, Don't Tell Me. I Think The Two
Of You Are Fabulous Together.

I Guess I've Always
Been Able To See You

For The Intelligent, Independent
Young Woman That You Are.

Thank You! Wait A Minute.

But If Your Father
Can't See That,

Then I Think You Have No Choice
But Just To Go Straight Home

And Be Furious With Him.

Oh, I'm On My Way! Oh!

d*ck... Are You Sure...

I've Already Said Too Much!

Well, This Is Much Better, Huh?

Absolutely. We Should Never
Have Gone To Your Apartment.

There's, Uh... A Bed In There.

Yeah.

What Were We Thinking?

I Mean, This... This
Makes More Sense.

This... Is The Perfect Place

For 2 Friends To
Share A Cup Of Coffee.

You Know, I Knew
We Could Do It, Don.

Totally Casual. No Problem.

Hi, Guys!

Harry! What... What's Up?

How're You Doin'? Where...
What's Up? Where You Goin'?

Well, I Was Just
Goin' Over To The Park

To Push Over Some
Of Those Tai Chi Guys.

Ohhh...

And What Are You Doin'?

We're Just Havin' Some Coffee.
Havin' Coffee. Want Some Coffee?

I'd Love Some Coffee! Oh, Great!

There's Nothin'
Better Than 3 Friends

Sittin' Around, Havin' Some Joe!

I'll Get The Cup, And
You Pour. Ok, Great.

So, Harry, What'd You Do Today?

Oh, Well, My Day
Started Sort Of Early.

You Know That Thing

Where, Um, If You Say "Rabbit,"

You'll Have Good Luck All Day?

I Was Gonna Do That
First Thing In The Mornin'.

And Then There Was Lunch.

Morning, Vincent.
How's It Goin'?

Did You Talk To
Your Boy Last Night?

Yes. We Talked, We
Laughed, We Shared.

Then There Were
The, Uh, Hugs, As Usual.

How'd It Go With Alissa?

She Came Home, Slammed The Door In
My Face, And Locked Herself In Her Room.

Ooh. Ouch.

Did She, By Any Chance,

Say That, Uh, She Hates You?

How'd You Know That?

Call It Fatherly Intuition.

She Said... She
Said... Oh, Never Mind.

Go On, Vincent. You Can Tell Me.

She Said Why Couldn't I
Be More Like... Like You?

Well, I Can Understand That.

Some Of Us Devote
Our Time To Our Families,

Others Opt Instead To Write Books.
I'm Sure You Made The Right Choice.

Not For Your Daughter,
Of Course, But For You.

This Is Awful!

No, Don't Worry!

As The Decades... Slip By,

These Wounds Will Scab Over

And Harden Into Bitter Scars.

And You'll Get
Together Then, Vince.

I Know You'll Have A
Good Time Then. Ohhh...

Ok, Everybody, Here We Go.

Johann, Why Don't You Sit
Right Here? Here You Go.

Ok. Sit Down. Sit Down.

Bernard... Give Me The Gum.

Give Me The Gum. Spit It Out!

So, Don, Do You Think
We'll Be Ok Here?

Come On, Sally, There
Must Be 50 People Here.

That's True.

We're Not Gonna Do It
In Front Of 50 People.

You Sit Over There.

I'll Sit Over Here.

And We're On In 3... 2...

Hello, And Welcome
To Men & Ideas.

I'm Hamilton Bell.

And To My Right Is
Dr. Vincent Strudwick,

Author Of Physics
For A New Millennium

And The Brightest Star Of The
Pendelton University Faculty.

Huh!

We Are Also Honored To
Have A Distinguished Panel

Of Nobel Laureates...
Dr. Bernard

Yamshuth...

Dr. Carl Mainen...

Dr. Ronald Schenk...

And Dr. Johann Borgeson.

And Finally, "Physics Professor

"And Raconteur...

And Master Of Close-Up
Magic d*ck Solomon."

[Applause]

Tell Me, Dr. Strudwick.

Did You Have Any Idea When
You Set Out To Write Your Book

That It Would Get
This Kind Of Reception?

Honestly? Yes.

Well, It... It Is, A, Uh,

Tremendous Work, But It Has Come
At Quite A Cost, Hasn't It, Vincent?

What? I Think You
Know What I Mean.

Well, I'm Sure We All Have
Questions For You, Dr. Strudwick,

So Why Don't We Begin...

Yes, I Have One.

Ok, Then. Dr Solomon.

Yes. I Was Discussing The Book
Last Night With My Son Tommy.

Hi, Tommy. Love You.

And, Uh, It Made Me Wonder.

You Seem To Have A Reasonable
Grasp Of Spectral Analysis,

And Yet You Have No Idea

Where Your Teenage Daughter
Was Last Night At Midnight... My House,

Where Kids Are
Allowed To Flourish.

Why Don't You Shut
Your Mouth, Solomon?!

Why Don't You Make
Me? Let's Go! Come On!

Ok. Ok. I'm Cool. I'm Cool.

Please, Oh, Please,
Gentlemen. Let's Be Civil.

Don't Look At Me, Ham. I'm Just
Trying To Be A Good Father.

I Am A Good Father. Oh, Yeah?

Then Why Did You Insist
That Your Daughter

Never See My Son Ever Again?!

What Are You Talking
About? I Never Said That.

What?

I Only Said That He
Should Mind His Manners!

Liar! I Might've
Been Paraphrasing...

I'll k*ll You!

Tommy! Tommy! It's Ok!

Come On. Hey. Hey. Hey.

I'm All Right.

This Is A Show About A Science
Book. It Should Be Boring.

You're An Idiot!

It's On, Bitch!

Let's Go! Come On!

Please, Everyone!
Let's Just Stay Calm!

Calm Down!

Peace! Peace!

Peace! Well!

This Guy Thinks He's All That,

But He's Not All That!

Oh, Yeah. This Is
Where It Gets Good.

Mary: I Am Sick Of You [Bleep]!

My God. Look At
That Face I'm Making.

Now Look At This.
Now, That's A Punch.

d*ck, That Was The Makeup Woman.

Well...

She Had It Coming.

Hey! Are You And Don
Back Together Again?

No. Why Would You Think That?

Well, He's Got His
Tongue In Your Ear.

Harry... Don And I Have
Some Issues To Resolve,

But We're Gonna Get Together
Tonight And Talk 'Em Out.

Uh-Huh. Wear
Somethin' Nice. Shut Up!

I Just Don't Understand It.

All I Did Was Assuage
My Professional Jealousy

By Attacking Strudwick
On A Deeply Personal Level,

Using His Daughter And
My Son As Unwitting Pawns.

Yet Somehow I Come Off
Looking Like The Bad Guy.

What Are You Talking About?
You Jeopardized My Relationship

For Your Own Petty Goals.

Tommy, Sometimes You Have
To Take One For The Team.

Oh, You Think You're
All That! I Am All That!

Oh, You Want Some Of This?

Does Your Dad Hate Me?

No. He's Just Overprotective.

Does Your Dad Hate Me?

No. He Loves You. He
Thinks You're Great.

And So Do I.

Get Your Lips Off
That Strudwick.

That's... Really,
That's Just His Way.

That's How He Is. He
Really Likes You. Honestly.

Are You Sure?

Yes! Absolutely. He's
Just... You Know. He's, Uh...

d*ck: He's What?!

He's A Big Fat Jackass!
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